zsuzsi

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About zsuzsi

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 01/23/1981

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Hungary, Europe
  • Loss Type
    lost my Mum on 20/07/15, Dad on 05/08/2004

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  • Country
    Hungary

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  1. Hello dears again, Thanks a lot for your warm welcome - Lisa, Mission, May, Cindy Jane. And thank you very much everyone for your condolences. I feel bad about not coming here for many months... but with Anna it is so hard to find time.. and even when I have time and want to sit down to surf on the net she immediately wants to sit on my lap and fiddle with the lap-top.. very annoying. Anna is sleeping right now so I am trying to write a bit. Btw thank you for asking, she is fine, she is very well.. walks and runs around, a very busy 15 months old toddler. I will search for a recent photo and will attach it. As for me, my last 4 months were about grandma. I went to visit and was here as many times as I could. It was very hard to accept tha fact that there was no solution for her problem and we could do nothing but basically wait for her death. Otherwise it is much easier to accept her passing as she was old and I know she suffered a lot in her last months. She wanted to die. After her unsuccesful operation when she got back home she tried to kill herself by taking 10-15 pcs of antidepressant pills (she got them when my Mother died but did not take them). Of course she could not kill herself.. the tablets made her only dizzy for few days. Poor mama. Anna and me spent a lot of time with mama until she was fine (end of september). Anna completely adored her. I will miss her a lot. I think it has not sunk in yet completely. I am still at home and I do not want to return to my old job and actually I would not wish to do anything similar than before. I got a place at a prestigious universityand in September I started "English Lingusitics" studies but when grandma's cancer recurred I stopped the Uni. I might start it again in September but it would take 5 long years to complete. So so long. It was a sort of plan for my maternity leave - when my Mom was still alive we thought I would study to be a teacher while on maternity leave with 2-3 kids. Of course in our plan my Mom had an important role with helping the kids. I still have to figure it out what I want to do in my life and how I can manage it. Had my Mom died before I got pregnant I think would not have wanted a child. Or at least not from my present boyfriend. Since Mom died I realised that our relationship is not what it should be. Untill my Mom lived I did not care about the issues of our relationships. Now these shortcomings are shouting if you know what I mean. I will post this part and come back in a bit. Lisa pls update us.
  2. Dears, I am back again. I know I have dissappeared.. So many things have happened. Even though I was absent I always thought of you guys fondly. On Friday we buried grandma... I don't remember if I mentioned before, but she had colon cancer in 2012 which was then operated succesfully. She did not need chemo or radiation but lived with a stoma after the operation. In the summer her cancer recurred. It was discovered late and she got an appointment for operation only in November which was far too late. Her tumor had grown and was technically inoperable by the time she got on the operating table. On 25th of Dec she was taken to hospital again. She spent her last 10 days there which I deeply regret. But I thought we could bring her home after few days. She got a "death-patch" as soon as she was admitted to the hospital. Without asking anything from her or from me they put this terrible and deadly fentanyl patch on her. I only figured out what it was after 2 days.. I immediately asked the doctor to take it off but it was too late. Grandma never really got back her consciousness. Even when she was awake she had hallucinations most of the time. The conditions in the hospital were horrible. I think dogs are treated better in the US or OZ than humans here in hungarian hospitals. Grandma will be greatly missed. But I miss my Mom even more now. I cannot cope with losing her. It hurts the same. Life sucks. Anyway its lunchtime here. I gotta go now. I have so much to tell you though. I promise I will not disappear this time. Lisa, I was shocked to read your news, I worry for you. My fingers crossed that what you have is nothing harmful. xo. Suzie
  3. so this is Anna and me recently. (we applied for a giveaway/promotion/contest to win a stroller thats why we are posing with this magazine)
  4. Hello all, its been ages. I have always wanted to write... but always postponed it. This is the part of my depression - postponing things. How is everyone?? I have to catch up with you guys.. Lisa, Silver, Trish, Mission, Eve, May... and all the new members. You might remember I had serious back pain ( I could hardly move) started after Christmas and it lasted for like two months. I think that was the point when I lost my drive to write..I felt so low... Anna Ilona has been growing and developing rapidly. She is soon 8,5 months old and like a week ago she stood up. I ll post a pic of her later on. I missed you guys. I should be coming here and read your posts because that used to help me a bit.. July 20 will mark one year of losing my Mom - who was my world. Things have not become easier. I miss her more and more. Sometimes I still wish I could just exit this world. I still do not want to live without her. My heart was ripped out when she died. I grieve in silence because noones care. Well, there is one friend, an old friend from secondary school, she lives far, but we keep touch almost every day on facebook. She is the only one who cares, whow does not get bored of my sadness, who supports. I am so grateful to have her in my life. We lost contact several times in the past but we have always reconnected. She is a firm believer in Jesus but she has always been an empath. I still go to psychologist and she thinks my grief should be over soon, Very silly. I will grieve until my last breath. My relationship - well I think its not right one, its not like as it should be, but i ll write about this an other time. So I feel completely alone and lonely most of the times. I have a friend who had been working in the UK for several years and now she came home for good recently. She has both her parents. She is from the same town as me. We are good friends. But her home coming was a trigger for me. I see her posts on facebook. She is so happy, so careless, enjoying life, enjoying summer, spending all the time with her Mom.. (actually her Mom was with her in the UK too, but moved back a year earlier than my friend): I envy her. I know its bad.. but I do. She is at home since two week - we met once for like a half an hour... when I was visiting my grandma with Anna. Since she is at home she has not asked how I am doing, I am coping... but she is telling me how great she is feeling... She was supposed to visit me and Anna yesterday but she had to cancel it for some reason. I planned to talk with her, I planned to tell he how **** I feel...and that I would need more support from her.. Well...next week I am going home for 5 days to give our house a throughrout cleaning and do some gardening because my brother lives like a pig, like a homeless. This friend of me (Judith) has promised to help me with these chores...I will have a chance to talk with her then. Ok, I ll have to stop now but ll be back. hugs to all. Suzie
  5. Hi dizzydancingway, I lost my Mum last year when I was 34. I feel way too young for this loss. I am totally lost without her, she was my best friend, the only person I could trust, I could rely on, I could always turn to. I loved her more than anything in this world. I feel lonely and alone without her. I have a 5 month old girl who my Mom did not have a chance to see, to cuddle, to kiss, to love... My father also passed awyay back in 2004. They were both young when they died. I would have never imagined that I d become an orphan at age 34. Life sucks, life is cruel, life is UNJUST. Sorry I could not say to you anything positive but im struggling myself too. Rgds, susie
  6. ..and it is so bad being ill without our Moms-noone really cares if we live or die..isn't it?! Being in the hospital after giving birth was a nightmare..seeing other Mothers visiting their daughters and grandchildren was killing me. I wish I could visit you Lisa.
  7. Oh Lisa! Gosh, I was shocked to read what has happened to you. That is the result of your sadness. I wonder when it is going to hit me with something too. Our grief is killing us..sooner or later. I know what you want but I do hope you ll get better!! I d definitely miss you... Keep us posted. Thinking of you! xo susie I'll get back to you my griefmates in the very near future. Hugs.
  8. http://www.indianapolismonthly.com/longform/dear-kate-living-with-grief/ Dears, Im from the "loss of a parent" team. I've come across the above article today, it was a good read. I thought I d share it with you. My 81 year old Grandma lost her daughter too last year July. Her daughter was my precious Mother, my best friend, my joy in life. I was 7months pregnant with her first grandchild when she passed away suddenly and unexpectedly due to doctors' negligence.... My life shuttered into million pieces. Meanwhile last September I become a mother of a baby girl but it is an inexplicably hard task to do without my sweet Mom... I follow your thread too. Reading your stories, your supportive words for each other is somehow helps me too in my daily struggle. Best regards and hugs. Susie
  9. Eve, Excellent metaphore of our loss, tragedy and grief.. Will help me next time in explaining how I feel if someone dares to ask.. Susie
  10. https://youtu.be/UoUEQYjYgf4 Watch this, too funny.
  11. By the way, I loved the video you posted Silver. These persians are super cute. I had a persian as well, when I was 18, i got it from Mom as a present for graduating from college.. Mom...........
  12. Dear Silver, thank you for your advice and kind words, I really appreciated it, you wrote so nicely, I know you are right regarding little Anna.. I should feel blessed bc I have her and I do feel, but there are occassions when I d like to just disappear. Yes, through me there is a piece of my Mom in Anna and this makes me happy And I should treasure her as my Mom treasured me, although I believe I can never be as good as my Mom was to me. There are countless things I still should have learnt from Mom to be able to pass it on Anna. anyway, I cannot write more now as Im in bad pain.... I have herniated discs (cervical snd lumbal) and thanks to a bad and quick move now I can hardly walk, I have lumbago now, it hurst a lot.. We went to ER, a friend persuaded me to go, though I know nothing really helps but lying and resting. The doctor told me I cant take meds bc I breastfeed...I knew that thanks. the other thing that helps is to rub my back with stinging nettle - best pain killer for back ache and its also good for the inflammation. Im very nervous now..i had this terrible backache before like 3-4 times in the past 10 years but i did not have a baby to look after... pray for me to recover quickly Hugs to you all. susie
  13. Silver you are hillarious, thanks for the good laugh :D I needed it very much now. Now let me read your words again and let me laugh again..
  14. Eve, yes I wanted to make you laugh guys with that photo..haha..its so obvious that the girl is after the money waiting for her 'handsome' hubby to die. Lets hope the old beaver gets an other 20 years in life. Silver, the cat was the only cute thing among three of them for sure. MSN, unfortunately my Mom had already a tombstone. It was made when my Father died in 2004 and she got her name written and the year of her birth on it... how bizzare but very common in my country, I know old couples who still live but have their tombstone and gravrsite already made in the cemetery. Eve, your last paragraph in your last post.. wouw I feel totally the same. Im tired of defending my grief so Im saying good bye to some of my relationship too. Life seems a punishment without my Mom. I would not mind if it was over tomorrow. But I have to stay, I should not bring shame for my strong Mom with ending my life. I have a funny feeling that God will punish me with very long life without my Mom. Thanks God. There is the family of my boyfriend next door..sister, cousin, aunts, children, bil, at my mil. I left them now. They are having fun, talking about their next ski holidays, diets, ultra marathons, recepes, food.. Bored of them. My Mom never could go on holiday coz she worked extremly hard even when the kindergarten was closed during holidays. My Father made her work like a slave. Thats why she developed those horrible varicose veins on her legs which led to trombosis, blood clot and pulmonary embolism eventually. Thats why she had to die. I felt so alone among my bf's family members. Noone shares my pain, my grief. Noone cares if i live or die. They did not know my dear, golden hearted, clever, kind, funny, patient, loving, caring Mother - she was my world. honestly if we did not have Anna Ilona i would have left my bf. hope you guys are OK. Love you all too.
  15. Guys, you make me smile and laugh. Thanks. Silver, I love when you curse the doctors, I curse with you. And when you talk about your dad, makes me laugh too, althougb I know its nowhere near to funny for you. Merry Chirtsmas to all here, lets survive these days somehow. hugs. Suzie There is this sugar daddy + gold digger girl couple in my country who popped into my mind, the guy looks like a beaver. He moved to the US decades ago and became a film producer. He is now a government commissioner responsible for the film industry in Hungary. Look at them..they are disgusting.