• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited


About MissionBlue

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 05/01/1959

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    San Francisco
  • Interests
    Movies, Music, Gardening, History, Computers, Photography, Art, Books, YouTube, Genealogy
  • Loss Type
    Death of Father
  • Angel Date


  • Occupation
    former caregiver
  • Zip
  • Country
  • About Me
    I especially like silent films and Romantic classical music.

Recent Profile Visitors

1,305 profile views
  1. Dear Lisa K, Thank you so much for the update. I've been thinking of you, too, and praying for your recovery. I'm sorry that you have to do battle with this terrible disease, but I pray that you will stay strong and come out of this stronger than ever. Ernesto and I are still in the process of moving, but slowly, since I hurt my knee about a month ago and Ernesto is still dealing with his pterygium in his eye and the diabetic ulcer on his foot. He had to receive an injection of a drug in his eye that is also used for chemotherapy and it was hard to take, so I know the road you are travelling is very rough. Maybe you could try channeling your hatred for the chemo into killing those bastard cancer cells. When Ernesto moved in with me, he brought a lot of junk, and then there's my own junk, and I also have things left from my late relatives, including both my parents, my half brother, my great uncle and my grandmother. It's hard to part with some of these things, but I have to do it, because I already have two storage units and they're costing me $800 per month for the rent. If this goes on much longer, I won't have enough money left over for the renovations. I've already sold some stuff on eBay. I plan to sell things in garage sales when I buy my new home. My current home is so old it doesn't have a garage. Please take good care of yourself and I hope you are getting some kind of support from the hospital or a support group. How is your brother taking it? God bless you, my friend. Sending you love and hugs.......
  2. Welcome, alycejins: I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom and the impending loss of your dear aunt. My cousin's partner's mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and she didn't tell her daughter until she was on her death bed. Some parents don't want to see their children suffer with them through their illness, so they keep it a secret for as long as they can. My cousin's partner was devastated when she found out and it hurt her more to lose her mother so soon and unexpectedly without being able to emotionally prepare herself. Her mother meant no harm, of course; she was just being protective of her daughter. I think some people are naturally more stoic. I hope you will find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have. Take care and feel free to share whatever you are feeling here. We all understand and care. With love and hugs to you and to everyone here.....
  3. Hello Everyone: A lot of us are struggling with guilt feelings since the death of our beloved parents. This is a normal part of the grief process and it doesn't necessarily mean we deserve to feel guilty. I found the following article which was comforting to me, especially the comments section, because it shows how other people struggle with the same feelings of guilt and regret: http://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Some of the experiences discussed are truly poignant, which goes to show that things could always be worse if not just as bad as what we had to go through. Of course, I wish that none of us had to suffer through these painful emotions, but it is easier knowing that others understand and have felt the same way. Love and hugs to all......
  4. Dear Zita, I'm very sorry for your loss. It may be a bit too early to consider that you have complicated grief. I'm not a psychologist, but to my understanding, that is usually diagnosed after at least six months of grief that doesn't get better. Cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be a good treatment for complicated grief. I also suffered from bad insomnia, anxiety and loss of appetite during the first months of my grief. I lost nearly three stone in weight. I didn't want to eat foods that my late father enjoyed, because he couldn't enjoy meals with me. I also was only sleeping 3-4 hours at night. I was hooked on sleeping pills, but gradually weaned myself off of them when they stopped working, because I didn't want to have to keep increasing the dosages. I had never lived alone before, and it was very hard for me to be alone day after day without anyone to talk to. I would call relatives and email friends. I'd take anyone who would go with me out to dinner, even strangers, but it wasn't the same as being able to talk with someone in person at home. I didn't start to feel better until after eight months of solitude, because I let my gardener move in with me. Even as terrible and uncomfortable as your symptoms are, as Reader said, they are all a normal part of grief. It is best to allow yourself to experience your feelings with others or by yourself. Cry, even scream at the ocean, if you must. If it gets to be too much, then try to distract yourself with something pleasurable, such as eating out with friends and relatives. I had to tempt myself with the tastiest food available, and I made sure it had no associations with my late father, such as Peruvian food, which he had never tried. Of course, I still wished with all my heart that he could enjoy it with me, but in doing so I forged new memories to distract me from the old ones. You still need to make time for your grief or it will take longer to process. Guilt is one of the hardest emotions related to grief. You need to forgive yourself for whatever problems existed between you and your mother. If you spoke regularly on the phone with her, then your relationship wasn't as bad as other mothers and daughters who don't even talk to each other. You can love someone deeply and still argue with them and hurt their feelings, because all relationships are imperfect. When I had anxiety, I went to the ER and the nurse practitioner told me that the anxiety I was feeling was a normal part of grief. I begged her to give me some sleeping pills, but she would only give me five Ambien -- which I had been taking for almost a year before my dad died. Then after he died, a doctor gave me benzos. The nurse at the ER said that I didn't have the appearance of someone who is depressed. People who are deeply depressed don't even have the energy to dress or bathe properly. While that was reassuring, it still has been a long road through my grief. I tried four therapists, three grief support groups, several churches, bars, even online dating. In my particular case, what helped me most was having someone live with me, so I would have someone to talk to, share meals with me, and watch tv with me, as my father had done virtually all of my life. Each case is different. Perhaps if you found someone to be your confidante on the phone, it might help to ease your loss. It sounds like, in spite of your estrangement, your mom gave you emotional support that you weren't receiving from other sources. Even after two years, I still miss my father every day and I still cry, because no one can take his place, but I feel better than I did the first year. I can sleep better. Now I fall asleep too easily. Just yesterday I fell asleep in my chair and didn't even hear the phone ring. This is not like me at all, but it is way better than insomnia. I wish you and everyone here the best as we struggle through grief.
  5. I definitely feel more positive than i did in the first months after my dad's death. There was one night early on when I was so lonely and anxious that I called a suicide hotline just to speak to another human being. I wasn't suicidal and said that up front. The lady on the line talked to me for a few minutes. Then when she put me on hold, I felt guilty for using a resource for people with worse problems, so I cut it short. I had never lived alone before. I wasn't afraid of being alone from a safety standpoint, but it was being completely alone with the memories of watching my father die for 36 hours straight in "Comfort Care" which was hard on me. The agonal respirations were hard to watch, knowing there was nothing I could do to save my beloved father. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was alone most of that time with him because I am his only daughter with no husband or children. As I looked out the hospital window at day turning into night, I felt detached -- like the world was foreign to me and like I wasn't connected to it anymore. The only person left in the world who ever really loved me was dying. I have a half brother and cousins who care about me, but they hardly see me, so it's not like they are going to lose sleep over me if I die. They're too busy having fun. If there were an easy, painless and sureproof way to commit suicide, who knows, I might have considered it, but I was raised Catholic and there's a big taboo about suicide in the Catholic religion. In the old days, suicides weren't even allowed to be buried in hallowed ground. Thankfully, the church stopped that nonsense and suicides are now accorded all the dignity and blessings of a normal funeral. It just seems so disrespectful to kill oneself, not only to one's parents but to God himself. Still, if a person is suffering from mental illness or from overwhelming pain, they really aren't to blame if they take their own life. I think God would understand better than anyone. It's easy to say we want to die when what we really want is our old life back. But it's not possible, just as it isn't possible to be young again. That bird has flown. So enjoy your youth while you can. The only good thing about losing a loved one is an inheritance, if you're lucky enough to get one. Then you can afford to do fun things, or buy a new home, but then your favorite companion is gone, so it's like a cruel joke. I remember watching a movie about Down's Syndrome with Tyne Daly, and I liked her speech at the end. She said that raising a child with Down's Syndrome is like wanting to visit Italy but then having the plane diverted to Holland. Holland isn't Italy, and never will be, but it has some nice things, too, such as tulips and windmills. Life without our parents isn't going to be the same as it was, but it will still have its charms if we give it a chance.
  6. Dear ELiz: I don't think you are being overly sensitive. I hope your husband was just joking and that he will get you a nice Mother's Day present. You deserve it and it is time to bring the focus of the holiday onto you and not just your late mom. It's good you dropped the hint, but it's my understanding that not all men are good at giving presents or remembering anniversaries or offering sweet tokens of love which romantic women adore. Some men think working hard and just being with you shows their devotion. If he does forget to buy you a gift, then I would suggest your doing something special for yourself that day. Treat yourself to some nice jewelry, flowers or candy (or all three!) -- maybe he'll learn by example. “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope Even some really nice men, like my dad, never learned to give gifts, because of growing up poor or whatever reason. My dad bought me toys when I was a small child, but once I was older, he didn't buy me gifts or cards on my birthday or at Christmas, because he knew that I knew that he loved me. We'd give each other things all year long. However, he would buy me birthday cakes which we enjoyed together. If my half brother took me out to dinner for my birthday, my dad would often pay. Since we had joint checking and credit accounts, my dad would let me buy myself whatever I wanted. Dear Girl Biohazard, I'm very sorry about the tragic loss of your father at such a young age. I suffered from anxiety after the death of my father, even though I am much older than you and he died of natural causes at 86. It is never easy to lose a beloved parent, but far more traumatic when the death is sudden and unexpected. I wish you the best and I sincerely hope that you find solace on this forum.
  7. Dear anxious, I'm surprised that you fear your parents' death but you don't fear your own. I assume you're not numb yet, if you still enjoy having your parents with you and your dog. You said everything you do, you do for your parents, so does that mean you no longer have any fun in life? Hopefully, by the time your parents pass on your health will be better and you'll find a reason for living. To me, life is short enough already. Time flies even when you're not having fun, but I hear you about old age. I have read that if you wish for death, your body will eventually accommodate you, which is why I try to stay positive. I fear serious illness and pain more than death. There is so much I haven't done yet -- I haven't even been to Disneyland. I knocked bowling off my bucket list last year. I'd love to go back to Las Vegas. I only went there once in the year 2000 and had a great time. I won enough money to pay for my expenses and my companions' expenses as well. I'd like to see the poppy fields in Lancaster CA before I die. There will always be some sadness that my dad can't enjoy these things with me, but I have to convince myself that if he really wanted to do any of these things, then he would have done them. Some people like to stay home. I think as long as I'm able to surf the Internet, read a good book, listen to music and enjoy a good movie, then life is still worth living, even if I'm not as happy as when my father was alive. Once I'm relocated I plan to do volunteer work to try to help other people. Maybe I'll get involved with politics. If World War III comes along, there should be plenty of things to do. Maybe the future will be a non-issue. Take care and I hope your psychologist visit goes well.
  8. Dear fresno11: I don't know if you still look at this thread, but I just wanted to say that I also can relate to practically everything you said about the loneliness of life without your beloved family. My mother wasn't very involved in my life, and passed away two months before my father. My dad died about two and a half years ago. My favorite uncles and grandparents died quite a few years prior. I grew up mostly with older relatives who were the salt of the earth, nicest people you'd ever want to meet. I think they are a dying breed. Losing my dad has made my life feel empty, because he was my best friend. We had so much in common and we lived in the same house for 55 years. The first year after his death, it was still too painful to enjoy much of anything, but I am gradually getting better. I just need to find someone who is fun to be with who I can trust. I have a former boyfriend turned roommate who helped me through my grief better than anyone, just by being here with me, but he has a lot of problems and doesn't know how to enjoy life anymore. He doesn't like to see me cry, because it depresses him. I have tried therapists and grief support groups, but I know what you mean when you said, "Dialogue about the memories just doesn't mean the same thing to some random person or friend. " I still have cousins who remember the good old days, but they live far away and have their own families and friends to do fun things with. I'm the type of person who doesn't need troops of friends, just one close friend and companion for doing fun things would be enough, but such a person isn't easy to find. I'm 23 years older than you, so I am sorry that you have to go through this at a young age. Still, even at my age, I am hopeful for the future. Once I sell my home, I want to start a new life, meet new people, do things I have never done before. My father's death opened my eyes to the brevity of life, so if I don't start trying to enjoy life more now, while I still can, I may run out of time. It won't be the same without my beloved family, but then it's too late for them. I wish we had done more fun things together and then maybe I wouldn't have so many regrets, but they came from a different age where they didn't expect much out of life. That was part of their charm. They were happy with what little they had, because they had survived very hard times. It's sad that we've been spoiled by living with nice, good-natured people all our lives. I've tried churches, bars, and treating neighbors to nice restaurants, but some of my neighbors are downright evil. There have to be nice people still out there somewhere. They can't all just be on the Internet many miles away. I have to keep searching. There are some wonderful people right here on this forum who I wish lived closer. Once I'm relocated, I might try taking a class or join a bird watching group. I guess my only advice is don't give up the search. You never know who you are going to meet. I have corresponded with some very interesting people online, including writers, opera singers, a symphony conductor, even a retired magician/artist who had tea with the Queen of England. I just can't seem to meet anyone who shares my interests locally, but I do need to get out more. Love and hugs to you and everyone here.....
  9. Dear Cindy Jane: It's always good to hear from you! I'm glad to hear that your knee is improving. I can sympathize more than ever with what you are going through, because I recently injured my left knee. I was going up a step and suddenly heard a pop in my knee and felt terrible pain. It couldn't come at a worse time, when I am trying to clear things out of my house so I can sell it. Life is full of challenges. Wishing you a full recovery. You are in my prayers. Happy Easter to you and to everyone! Love and hugs, MissionBlue
  10. Dear anxious: I never did find a therapist who used cognitive behavioral therapy on me. Then when I let my gardener move in with me, I didn't feel like I needed therapy anymore, because I had someone to talk to on a daily basis. He has anger issues and is also a recovering alcoholic, so he would share with me some of the insights he learned from anger management classes and AA. He also lost his beloved father and grandfather, so he can relate to loss. My roommate is sort of a badass so I feel safe when he's around. We started as a normal dating relationship. He had known my father from when he worked for us before. He had liked my dad very much. The first thing he did for me was take me to the cemetery to visit my father's grave and that instantly endeared him to me. I don't drive, which is probably the root of all my problems. However, I eventually discovered that he's not romantic enough for me, so now we are just roommates. We still care about each other, but we both want to be the boss in the relationship and that hasn't worked out. I had many pets growing up, but none since my pet parakeet died about ten years ago. Luckily, my rooommate's son has a very nice dog, a cross between a pit bull and an Indian Pariah dog. She comes to visit and I think she loves me more than anyone on this earth. She's so happy when she sees me in the morning. She's very intelligent and loves the attention I give her. I'm lucky, because I don't have to take care of her, but I buy her toys and just bought her a new Serta dog bed for when she sleeps over. It's not easy for only children, like us, to lose our parents, but like reader said, once the worst possible fear comes to realization, there's not much more left to fear. I still fear my own death, because there are still a lot of things I haven't had the chance to do yet. I also don't trust the medical system that much, but I am more afraid of suicide, because it's too easy to do it wrong and end up a vegetable. On the radio I heard the story of a woman who was depressed and threw herself off the roof of a building. On the way down she immediately regretted it. She spent a long time in the hospital, dependent on others for her well-being, but it changed her outlook on life. Now she appreciates her autonomy a lot better. Sending love and hugs to you and everyone here....
  11. Dear Zeppelins: I am so sorry for your loss. I just had to reply, because I can relate so well to some of the things you are feeling. I am forty years older than you, but I still love the 80's music, too, thanks mostly to MTV. I also am an only child of a single parent, the only child of my divorced father. Even though I have half brothers from my mother, I was not raised with them. I also feel like I am my father's twin. In fact, I wish I had been born his sister rather than his daughter so we could have had more time together. He raised me to like all the things he liked, so we were practically like clones. His interests were not the typical interests of a girl growing up in the seventies, so I felt different from my peers. For example, I didn't know a single classmate who liked silent films, classical music or Russian films by Sergei Eisenstein (not even my one Russian classmate). If they did, they kept it a big secret! With the Internet, it is easier to find fans of these things than before, but still not easy to make friends with any locally. I know that feeling that there is now no one in the world who loves me better than anyone else. It hurts to lose my biggest fan, and I was my dad's. It's terrible not to be able to share my interests with my dad the way we used to. One of the reasons I never had children is because i was so content to spend my spare time with my dad, watching films, listening to music, singing and playing the piano together, and just talking about anything under the sun. I also didn't want him to be lonely. I also would want my children to like what I like, and maybe that wouldn't be doing them any favors, but at my age having children is no longer an issue, so I don't have to worry about it. If I had met a nice man and fallen in love, I probably would have married and had children, but as a fulltime caregiver for various family members, I didn't get out much. I also went to an all girls Catholic high school which did not help me at all to meet guys. Still, I wouldn't worry about your molding your children the way you want them to be. If you can do it, and they still love you, then I think it was meant to be. There are children who turn out differently from their parents no matter how hard they try to mold them. For example, my half brother and his wife are born again Christians, but their daughter is an atheist quasi-Buddhist living with a death metal guitarist. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Wishing you and everyone here peace of mind as we struggle with the hardest transition of a lifetime. Love and hugs to all....
  12. Dear anxious, I can relate to a lot of things you said. I'm sorry that you are suffering from these obsessive thoughts. I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like you could have a form of OCD, which can be helped through cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. You seem highly intelligent. Smart people tend to worry more than average. You will need a highly intelligent psychologist to help you -- not sure how to find one though. I went through four therapists to help me with my grief, but found it only somewhat helpful, because none of them used cognitive behavioral therapy, even though they claimed to know how to use it. I found some links that might be helpful to you: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/07/obsessed-thoughts-about-parents-dying http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Anxiety/Fear-of-Parents-Dying/show/391143#post_answer_header https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ I know what you mean, but I think even if our late parents don't physically or spiritually survive death, the idea of them still continues to exist. It is our duty as their children to carry on their legacy with honor and responsibility. It's like patriotism -- a country only exists in the minds of its citizens, but no one with honor would betray their country's ideals of liberty and justice for all. Our parents raised us to live and enjoy the fruits of their labor and our own. I also hate that grief seems to condemn us to a second-rate existence for the remainder of our lives. I try to look at it as a challenge -- I only have one life so I want to find a way to be happy again. I may never be happy in the same way as I was with my beloved father, but I think it is possible to be happy in a new way. If I didn't think that, then I would probably be suicidal. Still, I would only commit suicide if I was experiencing unbearable pain -- otherwise, I would be too ashamed to make people think that my father had failed me in some way or that I had failed him. I do feel like I failed him as a caregiver, because he died, but that is a normal part of grief -- it's normal to lay blame when something terrible happens. And even if he did make the mistake of making me too dependent on him, which is arguable, I love him so much and I'm so grateful for the gift of life and the things that he taught me that I could not destroy that which he helped to create. My dad died over two years ago, and I do feel better than I did the first year. I had never been alone before, so about eight months into my grief, I let my gardener move in with me and that helped a lot for me to feel less lonely. We don't have an ideal relationship, but it's always nice to have someone to talk to, even argue with. My gardener does more for me than my relatives, so I feel like he is a godsend. He's also good practice for a real relationship should I meet someone who can love me the way I want to be loved. You never know who you are going to meet in life. My gardener came knocking on my door out of the blue. I thought I would never see him again. You might fall in love or find a mentor who helps to make life worth living. Even a loving pet can improve the quality of one's life. I wish you and everyone here the best as we struggle with the sadness and uncertainties of life.
  13. I understand how you feel and wish you peace. I also was very close to my grandmother. I was only 25 when she passed and I cried quite deeply for her right away. Her loss made my bond with my father, who raised me without my mother, closer than ever and we had already been very close. Thirty years later, I lost my father and I was shocked that I didn't cry for him at his funeral. My relatives were surprised, too. I was deeply sad and anxious in the weeks that followed, but I could only cry for short periods, not the deep sobs that had always brought me relief before. I would even watch sad documentaries on tv to try to provoke tears, to no avail. I also had insomnia at this time, and couldn't take a nap even though I was sleep deprived. I was addicted to sleeping pills. Eventually, I weaned myself off of them. About two or three months later, I started to cry more freely and deeply. Now over two years after my dad's death, I cry less often but deeply. I now fall asleep even when I don't want to. Sometimes I'll tear up just thinking about my dad, but most of the time I can remember him without crying. I still think about him every day, several times a day. Thirty-two years after the death of my grandmother, I still miss her and feel sad that she didn't have a more fun life, but I haven't cried for her for many years. However, I honestly don't know if I'll ever stop crying for my dad, because he was all I had left in the world. He was the only person in the world who truly loved me and needed me. I have a half brother, aunts and cousins who care about me to varying degrees, but it's not the deep, abiding love of a father -- no one can replace him. I think in those first few weeks and months I was in shock and denial, which is an unconscious defense mechanism by the mind to protect us from deeply painful emotions and anxiety. Later on we tend to use rationalization more to deal with the death of a loved one.
  14. Missdad, I'm very sorry for your loss. The death of a beloved father is devastating, even under the best of circumstances, because it is the loss of a very special relationship that can never be replaced. We have known and loved our fathers for as long as we were alive. Life does not make sense without them. However, because our minds have evolved to deal with great suffering and loss, we are more resilient than we realize. Once we process the grief by crying, thinking, talking and writing about it, the pain will gradually become less over time. We will always miss our dads and from time to time our hearts will ache with yearning for them, but gradually we will resign ourselves to our new reality. Two years after my father's death, I am still not happy in this world without him, but I don't have much choice but to carry on the best I can and see what the future holds. Since I have no husband or children, no one loves or needs me as much as my dad did. You are blessed to have a husband and children who need you. While no one can substitute for a loving father, your family still loves you and gives your life meaning. You currently feel lost and empty, because it takes time to deal with one of the most difficult experiences in life. It's hard to live without love, but lots of people manage somehow. Some people never find the love of their lives. Love can come at any time and go at any time. I think if we do our best to avoid mean people and try to seek out kind people, and to be grateful for the loved ones we have left, if any, then life does start to have meaning again. As we get older, more and more people are dealing with the same loss, so we are not truly alone in our grief. It is good to seek out grief support groups in person and forums like this one. I wish you and everyone here the best as we try to survive without our precious parents. Love and hugs to all...
  15. Great post, Silverkitties, I don't have children either, and sometimes I wish I did to carry on my dad's genes, but I always feared that my mother's bipolar narcissism would get passed down, too. My niece has it, and it's heartbreaking. She's beautiful, sweet, and talented, but can't function normally due to periodic debilitating depression. She has it worse than my mother did, who was highly functional during her prime years. Your mother was such a wonderful person and you were such a great daughter, I'm sure you helped ease the loss of her own mother. I wish I could have spent quality time with my mother, for her sake as well as my own. But since she didn't visit me as a child, I didn't feel right about seeking her out, until she sought me out when she was of retirement age. She used to blame my father for warning her to stay away from me, but I don't buy it. My grandmother told me that my mother wanted me to stay with my father, "Because she's Mexican." I was just a young child when she told me that, and that convinced me that my mother didn't want me. I remember going to my father and saying that I was ashamed that my mother was part German, because they gave the world the Nazis. Then my father explained that Germans have a reputation for being intelligent and efficient. Germany also gave the world great scientists, musicians and writers. God, if only my mother had taught me to read music -- she was a gifted pianist and violinist. Thankfully, my dad gave me the ability to play piano by ear. We had such fun playing our keyboards together. I miss him so very much.