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About MissionBlue

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 05/01/1959

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  • Gender
  • Location
    San Francisco
  • Interests
    Movies, Music, Gardening, History, Computers, Photography, Art, Books, YouTube, Genealogy
  • Loss Type
    Death of Father
  • Angel Date


  • Occupation
    former caregiver
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  • About Me
    I especially like silent films and Romantic classical music.

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  1. Dear Azeria, I'm very sorry for your tragic loss. You have a right to feel as you do, because you have been through one of the worst experiences possible in life. To lose a beloved father is terrible at any age, but even harder when you are young and you never expected it. It is good that you still have loved ones who give you a reason to keep living. Please don't add to their sorrow or give up on your future. Your dad would want you to live and thrive, and care for his loved ones as he cared for you. You are stronger than you think, because death is part of life, even when it happens prematurely for reasons that we can't understand. When loved ones die, they leave a wake of sorrow and pain that cannot be avoided, and shouldn't be ignored. You will have to experience your grief to get through it, but in time the pain will lessen. Don't expect others to understand how you feel, unless they have also endured intense grief, as many of us on this forum have and are still experiencing. We are here to support you and each other. I hope you find the following video helpful. It deals with sudden loss: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztnn8W4qE2o Wishing you peace and comfort during this very difficult time.
  2. Thank you, Lisa, for sharing the pictures. You look beautiful in both photos! In the after photo you remind me of Charlize Theron. I'm sorry the medications are so toxic. I hope there are days when you feel better and that there will be more of them as you go along. My knee is better, thanks, but I was off my feet as much as possible for six weeks, and now it's hard to get my strength back. My back aches just doing the dishes. The home clearing has been slow going, but we have to hurry now, because the realtor said it's best to list the house before July 4th. The next two weeks are the best time to list, but we won't be able to be ready on time. Too much to do. Wishing you a swift and full recovery.
  3. Dear Lisa k: Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I am thinking of you and praying that you will have all the strength and courage you need to get through this very difficult time. Netflix is my best friend too! Last night Ernesto and I finished watching Season I of "Anne with an E" on Netflix. It's the latest version of "Anne of Green Gables". It's written by the same writer who did "Breaking Bad" so it has some darker aspects to it, but I like it a lot. I can't wait for Season 2. If Ernesto liked it, then you know it's good, because he doesn't have the greatest attention span for these kinds of shows. My dad would have enjoyed it. We both loved the PBS version from 1985 with Megan Follows. Take good care. Sending you love and hugs..... Mission Blue
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a beloved parent is one of the hardest things to endure in life. I sympathize about your sleep problems. Some antidepressants may cause insomnia. I also suffered insomnia before and after the passing of my father. The way you described falling asleep reminds me of how I would fall asleep on Ambien. I wouldn't even feel sleepy but then suddenly it was like someone switched off the lights. Even with Ambien I wouldn't sleep more than four or five hours. Then when Ambien stopped working for me, my doctor switched me to benzos which are even more addictive. Sometimes they would make me feel hungover. I gradually weaned myself off of sleeping pills. Now two years later I fall asleep much easier, but I still feel tired a lot of the time. I should exercise more, but it's been hard ever since I injured my knee. “If exercise could be purchased in a pill, it would be the single most widely prescribed and beneficial medicine in the nation.” —Robert H. Butler As for the racing thoughts at night, sometimes just praying can help. You can recite prayers you learned in childhood or simply ask God to bless your house and protect all your loved ones. Pray for strength, guidance and for peaceful sleep. Give thanks for having had a wonderful mother and ask God to grant her happiness and peace in heaven.
  5. Dear Reader: Lots of people don't call the ambulance right away for various reasons, starting with the exorbitant cost, or because of ambiguous symptoms, or because the patient doesn't want to go. I knew an elderly family friend whose husband was having a heart attack and instead of calling 911 she called her pastor. Then when the pastor arrived, she didn't open the door because she was hard of hearing and couldn't hear him knock. Her husband died. I know another lady who went to ask her neighbor for help when her husband was having a heart attack, instead of calling an ambulance. Her husband died. Neither of these ladies was arrested for suspicion of murder, because mistakes like these happen. By the same token whatever decision you made about not calling an ambulance sooner was not done with malice, so you are not guilty of anything except being a human being. If I had called an ambulance every single time my dad felt dizzy, we wouldn't have been able to pay our living expenses. My dad had to really feel bad before he would let me call an ambulance. One time my dad went in an ambulance they went the wrong way and took much longer than necessary. I thought only cab drivers did that. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but mistakes happen all the time. Luckily, my dad survived. I know a lady who is a retired teacher. She was having very bad nausea and vomiting, but she didn't want to call an ambulance, because the last time it cost her $800, which she can't afford on her modest pension. She tried calling friends to give her a ride to the pharmacy so she could get some medicine, but no one wanted to come out in the middle of the night, because they had to work the next day. Luckily, she eventually felt better and was able to drive herself to the pharmacy in the morning. . One guy was complaining that his ambulance trip cost more than a plane trip from the US to Germany! As for going to a different hospital, there's no way of knowing what kind of treatment you will receive. All the hospitals in my area have negative feedback on Yelp. Sometimes in the same hospital, my dad has received excellent care and at other times he received substandard care, especially his last visit. I know it's very hard to deal with guilt, but at some point we have to let it go. We don't deserve to suffer this much, not after we loved our fathers so much and did so much to help them. I went to confession once to alleviate my guilt feelings, and the priest (a monsignor) said he wanted me to go to mass and say a prayer of thanks to God for giving me a good father. That was my only "penance". Love and hugs to all........
  6. Dear Reader, I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time. So am I. Some days are better than others. I like to think that things happen for a reason, but I also realize that many things are random and out of our control. The length of our lives is predetermined by many factors, including the length of our telomeres. I have read that we can lengthen our telomeres and slow aging by doing the following: Control and Reduce Stress. Several studies have linked chronic stress to shorter telomeres. ... Exercise Regularly. ... Eat a Range of Foods for Antioxidant and Vitamin Benefits. ... Practice Meditation and Yoga. https://draxe.com/telomeres/ However the random mutation of just one cell can give us cancer and other diseases, no matter how well we take care of ourselves. We can get killed just crossing the street or by a tree falling on us. From the moment we are born we are subject to all kinds of risks and dangers, but somehow most of us survive and even thrive. I think the key to happiness is to love and to feel loved, but this also involves risk. We loved being with our parents because they gave us unconditional love and we knew they would never reject us. We can never have that kind of love again, and this is why we are suffering so terribly. Nobody wants to give up their highest happiness. However, as the song goes, they say that falling in love is wonderful. In my opinion, romantic love is the second highest happiness, followed by the love of a child which brings us back to the first highest happiness again. But then romances tend to crumble and children move away, so we're left alone again at some point. I wish I could tell you that it is possible to be happy again without parents, a partner or a child to love. Some people seem to be happy alone, but it's not for me. Right now the creature that gives me the most unconditional love is Ernesto's son's dog who stays with us off and on. She makes me laugh no matter how bad I feel. When I'm crying she comes up close to me as if to say, "What's the matter? Please don't be sad." Even when I'm arguing with Ernesto, she tries to intervene and make peace. I think she has a human soul behind those expressive eyes. Now I understand why people are crazy about their dogs. I think there are lots of things we can do to change our fate, but they require action. You can't win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can't find the love of your life without meeting new people. We can't manifest our potential without learning new skills or refining the ones we have. Nothing is written, unless we write it. Here are some quotes by motivational speaker Brian Tracy: "You are the architect of your own destiny; you are the master of your own fate; you are behind the steering wheel of your life. There are no limitations to what you can do, have, or be. Except the limitations you place on yourself by your own thinking." "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." "Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true." "You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you." "Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new." "The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear." I hope that you find the following article helpful: http://bradleytmorris.com/2013/05/28/universeagainstme/ Sending you love and (((((hugs)))).........MissionBlue
  7. Dear Reader, thank you for your kind reply. I held my father's hand as he was dying, but there was no sign of recognition at all. I spoke to him but there was no response. I would prefer that he didn't understand anything, because who wants to be in that state knowing you are dying and you can't even speak to your loved ones? However, if near death experiences are real and not hallucinations, there's a chance his spirit was already outside his body. Then he would be able to understand what I was saying to him. I think he chose to die after I nodded off to sleep in the chair. I had been up for 36 hours straight keeping vigil by his bedside. His spirit must have been hovering in the room, because there's no way he could have known I had fallen asleep at that moment, unless it was just a coincidence. The hospice nurse said she saw him take his last breath when she entered the room. This is why I am glad that he died in the hospital, because there were nurses there with a doctor on duty to confirm the death. My dad never said he wanted to go home to die. He didn't want to die. He wanted to stay alive for my sake and because he loved life. That's why he chose to go on the ventilator, hoping it would give him a chance to recover. I'm glad that he didn't die on the ventilator. The ventilator gave him a little extra time to say good-bye, but he needed a heart operation. In order to have the operation he would have had to go back on the ventilator and start dialysis. His chances of surviving the operation were not good. He didn't want to go back on the ventilator, because it was too uncomfortable. The tubes irritated his throat and his mouth would dry out. It's terrible not to be able to take a drink. But it's not the same for everyone. Some people love their ventilator because it helps them breathe.
  8. Dear Cindy Jane, I am so glad that your knee is much better and that you're able to work again. Thank you for your words of consolation. I just wonder where our parents are right now -- silent in the tomb until Judgment Day? It's sad that the world has to go through Armageddon before the New Jerusalem arrives. Dear May, I'm sorry that your dear friend died on the one evening when you weren't able to visit her. I hate the way people can have a beautiful friendship or relationship then one quirk of fate ruins everything. Still, the kindness and compassion you showed your friend greatly outweigh that one day you couldn't see her. If a brick hadn't fallen on my dad's toe four years ago, I believe he would still be alive. His own kindness in helping the bricklayers work in the garden was his downfall. Gangrene set in and he had a long stay in the hospital which weakened him terribly. The hospital and his surgeon made errors in his treatment. I should have sued, but my dad didn't want to. He didn't even like leaving negative feedback on Yelp. He was too good for his own good. Then our own goodness tortures us with guilt, because of things we should have done differently. Hindsight is 20/20. Dear Reader, I understand the shock of losing your dad so suddenly. I also wish my dad didn't have to die when he did, during the Christmas season, with only me by his bedside and the hospice nurse occasionally. He had always thought he would die at home suddenly in his sleep. That would have been more merciful for him but much harder for me to find him dead at home without warning. As it was, watching him die in Comfort Care without any friends or relatives to comfort me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Love and hugs to everyone here......
  9. Dear Reader: Thank you for crying with me. I already feel like everybody I used to know and love is gone, because my friends and relatives live so far away. Still, I think it would be so much harder having to deal with my father's death if he were 100 years old and I were 69. It must be so hard for people who lose their spouses late in life. Sometimes I feel like I want a partner and other times I hope I never have to go through grief this deep ever again. But then a partner or spouse can be replaced, if you're lucky, but you only have one father. I have to accept that with real joy comes real pain. That is sweet that you are watching the adoption stories. Cute animal videos help cheer me up. Love and hugs to you and everyone....
  10. Dear May, I hope you are well. I'm sorry you've been having trouble with your computer. I hate typing/texting on my phone, too. I have another little ghost story to share with you. My friend in Cincinnati who was recently in the hospital for blood clots told me that one of the respiratory therapists got into a discussion with her about ghosts. It was late and the young lady told her that her cousin was also a therapist at the same hospital. Late one night while walking to a patient’s room to give a treatment with a nurse they saw a reflection in the glass across from the room they were going to of a man, bowed, praying at the woman’s bed. They walked into the room and the man was gone. The woman was resting. They didn’t mention it to each other until they got out of the room and then both women admitted they had the same experience. This was on the floor above where my friend was staying. The therapist said she had heard a couple of other nurses talk about seeing strange things in the hospital. She had to come back to my friend's room in the wee hours of the morning and she said she had to walk through the outpatient lab, which is empty at night, and thinking of their conversation, she ran through it. I have been searching through YouTube looking for videos about people who have lost their loved ones, so it feels like I am crying with someone. After two years, everybody expects me to be over my father's death by now, so there's no one to cry with me. The following video really touched me, because it showed that even if a loved one lives to 98, the grief is still profound.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDWSqa8FeVk I also look for near death experience stories, to try to give me hope that my father's spirit lives on in happiness. He deserved so much more happiness than he had here on earth, even though he never complained much. He had his faults, but he still was the nicest man I ever met. I don't say that just because he was my father, but naturally I got to know him better than anyone, so I know what a good, humble and generous heart he had. I remember the line from "The Song of Bernadette" (1943) in which the Blessed Mother tells Bernadette that she cannot promise her happiness in this world, only in the next. I love the way many of these NDE people no longer fear death. I almost wish I could have an NDE just so I'll know my dad is ok. With love and hugs to you.....MissionBlue
  11. Dear Lisa K, Thank you so much for the update. I've been thinking of you, too, and praying for your recovery. I'm sorry that you have to do battle with this terrible disease, but I pray that you will stay strong and come out of this stronger than ever. Ernesto and I are still in the process of moving, but slowly, since I hurt my knee about a month ago and Ernesto is still dealing with his pterygium in his eye and the diabetic ulcer on his foot. He had to receive an injection of a drug in his eye that is also used for chemotherapy and it was hard to take, so I know the road you are travelling is very rough. Maybe you could try channeling your hatred for the chemo into killing those bastard cancer cells. When Ernesto moved in with me, he brought a lot of junk, and then there's my own junk, and I also have things left from my late relatives, including both my parents, my half brother, my great uncle and my grandmother. It's hard to part with some of these things, but I have to do it, because I already have two storage units and they're costing me $800 per month for the rent. If this goes on much longer, I won't have enough money left over for the renovations. I've already sold some stuff on eBay. I plan to sell things in garage sales when I buy my new home. My current home is so old it doesn't have a garage. Please take good care of yourself and I hope you are getting some kind of support from the hospital or a support group. How is your brother taking it? God bless you, my friend. Sending you love and hugs.......
  12. Welcome, alycejins: I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom and the impending loss of your dear aunt. My cousin's partner's mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and she didn't tell her daughter until she was on her death bed. Some parents don't want to see their children suffer with them through their illness, so they keep it a secret for as long as they can. My cousin's partner was devastated when she found out and it hurt her more to lose her mother so soon and unexpectedly without being able to emotionally prepare herself. Her mother meant no harm, of course; she was just being protective of her daughter. I think some people are naturally more stoic. I hope you will find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have. Take care and feel free to share whatever you are feeling here. We all understand and care. With love and hugs to you and to everyone here.....
  13. Hello Everyone: A lot of us are struggling with guilt feelings since the death of our beloved parents. This is a normal part of the grief process and it doesn't necessarily mean we deserve to feel guilty. I found the following article which was comforting to me, especially the comments section, because it shows how other people struggle with the same feelings of guilt and regret: http://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Some of the experiences discussed are truly poignant, which goes to show that things could always be worse if not just as bad as what we had to go through. Of course, I wish that none of us had to suffer through these painful emotions, but it is easier knowing that others understand and have felt the same way. Love and hugs to all......
  14. Dear Zita, I'm very sorry for your loss. It may be a bit too early to consider that you have complicated grief. I'm not a psychologist, but to my understanding, that is usually diagnosed after at least six months of grief that doesn't get better. Cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be a good treatment for complicated grief. I also suffered from bad insomnia, anxiety and loss of appetite during the first months of my grief. I lost nearly three stone in weight. I didn't want to eat foods that my late father enjoyed, because he couldn't enjoy meals with me. I also was only sleeping 3-4 hours at night. I was hooked on sleeping pills, but gradually weaned myself off of them when they stopped working, because I didn't want to have to keep increasing the dosages. I had never lived alone before, and it was very hard for me to be alone day after day without anyone to talk to. I would call relatives and email friends. I'd take anyone who would go with me out to dinner, even strangers, but it wasn't the same as being able to talk with someone in person at home. I didn't start to feel better until after eight months of solitude, because I let my gardener move in with me. Even as terrible and uncomfortable as your symptoms are, as Reader said, they are all a normal part of grief. It is best to allow yourself to experience your feelings with others or by yourself. Cry, even scream at the ocean, if you must. If it gets to be too much, then try to distract yourself with something pleasurable, such as eating out with friends and relatives. I had to tempt myself with the tastiest food available, and I made sure it had no associations with my late father, such as Peruvian food, which he had never tried. Of course, I still wished with all my heart that he could enjoy it with me, but in doing so I forged new memories to distract me from the old ones. You still need to make time for your grief or it will take longer to process. Guilt is one of the hardest emotions related to grief. You need to forgive yourself for whatever problems existed between you and your mother. If you spoke regularly on the phone with her, then your relationship wasn't as bad as other mothers and daughters who don't even talk to each other. You can love someone deeply and still argue with them and hurt their feelings, because all relationships are imperfect. When I had anxiety, I went to the ER and the nurse practitioner told me that the anxiety I was feeling was a normal part of grief. I begged her to give me some sleeping pills, but she would only give me five Ambien -- which I had been taking for almost a year before my dad died. Then after he died, a doctor gave me benzos. The nurse at the ER said that I didn't have the appearance of someone who is depressed. People who are deeply depressed don't even have the energy to dress or bathe properly. While that was reassuring, it still has been a long road through my grief. I tried four therapists, three grief support groups, several churches, bars, even online dating. In my particular case, what helped me most was having someone live with me, so I would have someone to talk to, share meals with me, and watch tv with me, as my father had done virtually all of my life. Each case is different. Perhaps if you found someone to be your confidante on the phone, it might help to ease your loss. It sounds like, in spite of your estrangement, your mom gave you emotional support that you weren't receiving from other sources. Even after two years, I still miss my father every day and I still cry, because no one can take his place, but I feel better than I did the first year. I can sleep better. Now I fall asleep too easily. Just yesterday I fell asleep in my chair and didn't even hear the phone ring. This is not like me at all, but it is way better than insomnia. I wish you and everyone here the best as we struggle through grief.
  15. I definitely feel more positive than i did in the first months after my dad's death. There was one night early on when I was so lonely and anxious that I called a suicide hotline just to speak to another human being. I wasn't suicidal and said that up front. The lady on the line talked to me for a few minutes. Then when she put me on hold, I felt guilty for using a resource for people with worse problems, so I cut it short. I had never lived alone before. I wasn't afraid of being alone from a safety standpoint, but it was being completely alone with the memories of watching my father die for 36 hours straight in "Comfort Care" which was hard on me. The agonal respirations were hard to watch, knowing there was nothing I could do to save my beloved father. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was alone most of that time with him because I am his only daughter with no husband or children. As I looked out the hospital window at day turning into night, I felt detached -- like the world was foreign to me and like I wasn't connected to it anymore. The only person left in the world who ever really loved me was dying. I have a half brother and cousins who care about me, but they hardly see me, so it's not like they are going to lose sleep over me if I die. They're too busy having fun. If there were an easy, painless and sureproof way to commit suicide, who knows, I might have considered it, but I was raised Catholic and there's a big taboo about suicide in the Catholic religion. In the old days, suicides weren't even allowed to be buried in hallowed ground. Thankfully, the church stopped that nonsense and suicides are now accorded all the dignity and blessings of a normal funeral. It just seems so disrespectful to kill oneself, not only to one's parents but to God himself. Still, if a person is suffering from mental illness or from overwhelming pain, they really aren't to blame if they take their own life. I think God would understand better than anyone. It's easy to say we want to die when what we really want is our old life back. But it's not possible, just as it isn't possible to be young again. That bird has flown. So enjoy your youth while you can. The only good thing about losing a loved one is an inheritance, if you're lucky enough to get one. Then you can afford to do fun things, or buy a new home, but then your favorite companion is gone, so it's like a cruel joke. I remember watching a movie about Down's Syndrome with Tyne Daly, and I liked her speech at the end. She said that raising a child with Down's Syndrome is like wanting to visit Italy but then having the plane diverted to Holland. Holland isn't Italy, and never will be, but it has some nice things, too, such as tulips and windmills. Life without our parents isn't going to be the same as it was, but it will still have its charms if we give it a chance.