Mkd152

Members
  • Content count

    5
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About Mkd152

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    NYC
  • Loss Type
    Father
  • Angel Date
    11/14/15

Converted

  • Occupation
    Stylist

Recent Profile Visitors

474 profile views
  1. Retz- 1. Happy birthday beautiful! 2. I'm so sorry it's without your sweet mother. Husbands/boyfriends can be such jerks sometimes! I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over but I still never receive the support I need from him- so I can relate. Why not try to do something relaxing for yourself? You've gotta take care of you --- especially on your birthday. maybe get a massage or your hair done? It's so silly, but can distract you and really mellow you out. If your husband doesn't do anything special, maybe just do whatever you want. Don't worry about fighting no matter how much hurt you have. This is your day and it's the time to be a little selfish. You can cry. Go get a manicure. Eat cake alone. This is your day and treat yourself
  2. Anyone who needs a shoulder to lean on can reach out to me. I'm having an alright day today and don't feel engulfed in the darkness.. Love you all
  3. Thank you all so much for reaching out. Retz- I'm familiar with AA and have been to meetings myself. I understand as much as possible but so much is left unanswered. Like, he knew he had co festive heart failure- why go u treated? May- I'm so sorry for your loss too my friend. Sudden deaths are traumatizing. I lost my best friend to suicide three years ago in March out of no where. I feel like since I've been going to a therapist and a psychiatrist I've felt better. I was never one for anti depressants, I felt like I should just tough it out and feel all the feelings and was scared of numbing myself, but I took my first dose of Viibryd today and it really makes a difference. I know it takes a while for the side effects to subside- like i pulled at work and feel very awake at 11:07... But I think it will help... Although my dad was "broke" we've found that random large 4-5 figure deposits and withdrawals have been made from his account usually biannually- he was never on drugs besides weed, you couldn't spend that on women, and he wouldn't- so me and my mother assume gambling??? She would never speak badly about him although they divorced... It's just so hard when you find out this whole other side of someone you learned everything from.
  4. Thanks a lot for reaching out. I appreciate it. I just got my own apartment this year as well as opened my own salon in soho so I feel like I've just been drowning myself in work and staying busy. I'm scared I've suppressed my feelings so much- people forget the hell I'm going through. But on the other hand I don't want to seem like a downer or like I'm milking it( it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud...), but I don't like having a negative effect on the people around me. I've been strong. But those closest to me- mainly my boyfriend and my mother are just over it. I Know I take it out on them as well as my partner and boss ... Just seems more upsetting. I've since quit smoking and rarely drink... I get too depressed... I tried looking up groups, but being a hairstylist I usually work from 10-9 or 10, so it's been so difficult. I feel so lost with no support
  5. Hi all. I'm new to this site, looking for some support. I'm an only child of a divorced couple who were both such awesome parents. When I was 15, my mom moved out and it was just me and my dad for the next 5 years. My dad, Ron, was a people person- he was hilarious, sensitive, level headed, open hearted, goofy, hard working and had a huge soft spot for me- his only daughter. My mother had always told me she left my father because she needed to stop drinking and althought they remained on good terms, my father was devastated. My dad drank a lot of beer, never hard liquor. I only have a few memories of my mom being drunk when I was younger- she just now celebrated eleven years sober which is awesome. At the time, me and my dad just thought it was her "mid life crisis", it was always me and him vs her. As I grew my dads house kinda turned into a party house, big, semi secluded, my dad was cool with me smoking cigs weed and having parties, but I never let them get outta control. Soon, he was partying with us, tending to our drunk/hi munchies and making us all food having a blast. Those were really the best years of my life. When I was about 19, I stopped going to college and attended cosmetology school in the city. Living in NJ, my dad would take me to the train in the morning and lick me up at night. At about that time he lost his job. He drank more. He smoked more cigs, he encouraged me to drink and smoke with him. Soon he wasn't able to wake up and take me to the train he'd be so hung over. Or I'd get home at night and no one would be there, so I'd walk half a mile to the bar and he's be there usually in the middle of a story with a crowd around him making people laugh. I couldn't hate him. I told my mom and approached my fathers sister about my concerns for my dad. My mom would never speak badly about him and just tried to be the stable parent- plus I wouldn't want to bad mouth him too much to her either. My aunt though, showed no concern and said he was just going through a hard time and I needed to let him do his thing. A month later I found our house was being foreclosed. I had to move out. I had just been hired by one of the best salons in NYC. I got a place and moved out all on my minimum wage pay. My dad ended up living in filth. In someone's basement on a pull out couch next to a boiler room. I stayed there on Christmas. He was drinking and smoking so much. after my best friend passed away of a heroin overdose/suicide, we all went to a bar in my hometown where I ran into my father at 11 am after the funeral. His health deteriorated and he was a shell of a man. I was horrified and kept my distance- the man I loved so much had become so frail and anxious- literally shaking. Two years later my aunt who had dismissed my concerns is now asking me to lie to my father to stage an intervention literally on my birthday. This plan was never acted on, but I was horrified at her request and coldness. Regardless, my dad got well and quit drinking and got an amazing job where he was making 100,000 a year. He got promoted. Then while I was at work, I had 6 missed phone calls from my aunt j. I called her back no answer. No answer. No answer. I called my cousin- she hadn't heard from my aunt- so it wasn't my gramma- I knew in my gut then. I knew. She called me back finally- and said "your father had an accident today. This morning. It was fatal" those words. I collapsed. My friend came and got my from work. It was night. How had he been dead all day? But he just got better? He's been better. Like a year sober. A while anyway. My friends have supported me and my boyfriends tried but he's at the end with my depression. It's now June and I feel worse than ever. I've lost so much weight. Being a stylist I front all day like I'm happy when I'm dying on the inside. Plus my boss just found out his mother has terminal cancer and the other co workers mother died two years ago. I feel like people always tell me I'm so strong. But I feel it catching up. I'm scared. I want to die. I don't know what to do. I go to a psychiatrist. I don't understand why I'm so not myself anymore. Will I ever be happy again?