Hi all. I'm new to this site, looking for some support. I'm an only child of a divorced couple who were both such awesome parents. When I was 15, my mom moved out and it was just me and my dad for the next 5 years. My dad, Ron, was a people person- he was hilarious, sensitive, level headed, open hearted, goofy, hard working and had a huge soft spot for me- his only daughter. My mother had always told me she left my father because she needed to stop drinking and althought they remained on good terms, my father was devastated. My dad drank a lot of beer, never hard liquor. I only have a few memories of my mom being drunk when I was younger- she just now celebrated eleven years sober which is awesome. At the time, me and my dad just thought it was her "mid life crisis", it was always me and him vs her. As I grew my dads house kinda turned into a party house, big, semi secluded, my dad was cool with me smoking cigs weed and having parties, but I never let them get outta control. Soon, he was partying with us, tending to our drunk/hi munchies and making us all food having a blast. Those were really the best years of my life. When I was about 19, I stopped going to college and attended cosmetology school in the city. Living in NJ, my dad would take me to the train in the morning and lick me up at night. At about that time he lost his job. He drank more. He smoked more cigs, he encouraged me to drink and smoke with him. Soon he wasn't able to wake up and take me to the train he'd be so hung over. Or I'd get home at night and no one would be there, so I'd walk half a mile to the bar and he's be there usually in the middle of a story with a crowd around him making people laugh. I couldn't hate him. I told my mom and approached my fathers sister about my concerns for my dad. My mom would never speak badly about him and just tried to be the stable parent- plus I wouldn't want to bad mouth him too much to her either. My aunt though, showed no concern and said he was just going through a hard time and I needed to let him do his thing. A month later I found our house was being foreclosed. I had to move out. I had just been hired by one of the best salons in NYC. I got a place and moved out all on my minimum wage pay. My dad ended up living in filth. In someone's basement on a pull out couch next to a boiler room. I stayed there on Christmas. He was drinking and smoking so much. after my best friend passed away of a heroin overdose/suicide, we all went to a bar in my hometown where I ran into my father at 11 am after the funeral. His health deteriorated and he was a shell of a man. I was horrified and kept my distance- the man I loved so much had become so frail and anxious- literally shaking. Two years later my aunt who had dismissed my concerns is now asking me to lie to my father to stage an intervention literally on my birthday. This plan was never acted on, but I was horrified at her request and coldness. Regardless, my dad got well and quit drinking and got an amazing job where he was making 100,000 a year. He got promoted. Then while I was at work, I had 6 missed phone calls from my aunt j. I called her back no answer. No answer. No answer. I called my cousin- she hadn't heard from my aunt- so it wasn't my gramma- I knew in my gut then. I knew. She called me back finally- and said "your father had an accident today. This morning. It was fatal" those words. I collapsed. My friend came and got my from work. It was night. How had he been dead all day? But he just got better? He's been better. Like a year sober. A while anyway. My friends have supported me and my boyfriends tried but he's at the end with my depression. It's now June and I feel worse than ever. I've lost so much weight. Being a stylist I front all day like I'm happy when I'm dying on the inside. Plus my boss just found out his mother has terminal cancer and the other co workers mother died two years ago. I feel like people always tell me I'm so strong. But I feel it catching up. I'm scared. I want to die. I don't know what to do. I go to a psychiatrist. I don't understand why I'm so not myself anymore. Will I ever be happy again?