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About MayFGL

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Location
    United States
  • Loss Type
    Mother from massive stroke
  • Angel Date
    March 13, 2015

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  1. AngelaH: I am so sorry for your loss. It's very tough losing a parent at such a young age or at any age. I've felt all the pain that you're going though when my mom passed from a stroke almost 2yrs 2 mos ago -- anger, depression, guilty, confusion, loneliness. I stayed by my mom's side the whole time. In the hospital and hospice. I just went home to take a quick shower and eat while my niece/nephew stayed behind till we got there. I "slept" at the hospital and hospice. I rarely slept because I wanted to be awake when mom was awake. She slept most of the time and wanted every opportunity to be with her every waking moment. Angela, please know that you are not alone. We are here for you. Please take care. Love and Hugs, May
  2. Hi Everybody - Mission, Reader, Silverkitties, Cindyjane, ELiz, Eve, Athina and those whom I may have forgot their names. I want to welcome all the newbies TheGirl, Missdad, GirlBiohazard, alycejns, JackieF3 and MidCenturyGirl22. Please accept my condolences for your loss. It is a painful journey that we all experience losing our parent(s). I'm glad you are here with us to grief together. I've been a member here since May 2013 when mom passed on 3/13/2013 from a massive stroke. It will get better with time. Some days are good and other days are bad. I just had a bad one last night. I went to dinner with my sister and one conversation was talking about our mom. Did we make the right choice in letting mom go? It looked promising the first two days because she was able to talk, move her stroke side and recognize us. She spent almost 2weeks in the ER and finally almost 2 weeks in hospice. My sister and I were in tears. All the guilty feelings started to come back again. I've never really stopped feeling guilty. I felt like I killed mom. If only I waited for mom in the room when i took her to the restroom, but I left her there for who knows how long. Like you said Reader, it's all like a dream or movie. During the first month, when I clearly heard mom's voice call my name as I was coming out of the room. I was certain (at the time) that mom is not gone. She'll be back. She went to her dr appointment. I'm just dreaming. What helped me cope with my depression after mom left me was walking like Mission said and coming here. At the beginning, when walking, I would think of mom and cry all the way home. Once in awhile i'll think of mom. Everything from the beginning to the end of her stroke. I'll make this short bc I'm still typing on the phone which I hate with no computer. My eyes are crossed and tired. I'm crying. LOVE AND HUGS, MAY
  3. MissionBlue: I watched the video last nite and I cried like a baby. It's just been 2yrs 2mo for me and it still hurts so much. It's so true what the lady says. We have to stop and smell the roses because life is too short. I used to watch videos of near death experiences, too. I watched one where they interviewed a nurse in hospice. She said her patients would see their relatives who had passed on; so, she knows the time is near. My brother-in-law's grandmother who died years ago saw her late husband one nite coming for her. She was in her early 90s. She wasn't forgetful. She had a sharp mind. Worked hard to the end. She said she told her husband not to come for her now because she had great great grandchildren to see and things to do. When she died, I took it real hard because she was like my grandmother. She died in her sleep. She ran a tiny corner grocery store in a bad part of town during the morning hours until her son gets there. She lives at the store by herself. My mother and I would go visit her from time to time. I used to swing by after work to see her. One time she was badly bruised from a car accident. Her whole chest and breast were bruised. When I heard about this, i would go visit her everyday after work and help her massage/rub Chinese medicine in her bruise. There was one day that I didn't go because I got off work late and I was tired and decided that I'll go the next day. Then, I got the news that she died. I was devasted! I took it so hard. I kept blaming myself that I should've gone visit her the day I didn't go. I'm crying now because it's brought back memories. I think it's been over 20yrs ago since she died. Reader: I remember my oldest sister was telling me not to cry after 2 months. That mom is in a better place and not suffering. True, but telling me not to cry?! Some people can carry on like it's just another day, but not me or anyone here. We need to grieve. With time, I promise, it will get better. I still cry after 2 yrs, but as as much as I used to. It's only been 6 months for you. Please take you time to grieve, Reader.
  4. Hi Everyone (Reader, Lisa, Mission, Cindy, Silverkitties, newbies and other members) Hope all is well. I've been having trouble with my computer. I think it finally died the other day. I'm typing with my phone and I hate it. Lisa: I've been thinking about you since the last time you posted. I'm so glad to hear from you. Thank you for updating us. I know it's really hard to go though it alone. You are a very strong woman. Please know that we are behind you cheering you on to fight this fight. Lisa, you will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care. I want to respond to everyone here, but I have a small phone. If i look at the phone too long, i get a headache. I hate typing/texting on the phone. Love n hugs, May
  5. Hi Everyone, That's incredible about your coworker, ELiz! What are the odds of that?! I remember reading an article about signs from your beloved ones. If you see someone that looks like them it's because they're trying to communicate with you. They are trying to say that they are okay. That's all I remember about that article. I wished I remember all of it, but these days my memory is so bad. I would feel the same way you did. Not believing what I'm really seeing that reminds me everything of my mom. I would have to keep taking double takes. Like you said, it's eerie! Love and Hugs, May
  6. Hello Everyone and to the newbies, welcome aboard. I haven't been here awhile for I have been very busy. I just want to come here and say "Happy Easter" to each of you. For some of us, there's nothing Happy. This would be the 2nd year without my mom. I wish you peace and comfort. With Love and Hugs, May
  7. Mission: What if your sister was looking for you? I wonder if she ever knew she was given up. How is your moving coming along? I apologize for not remembering. You found a house or you're just packing into boxes? My memory is so bad that it's scary sometimes. I just wonder if it has to do with age or like my doctor says, "Well, you've been trough a lot of trauma." I'm 50, but I sure don't feel like it. I feel like 49. Sorry you have jury duty. I was almost picked for a murder trial before my stroke. Have you ever served before? I had a second interview. I remember sitting in the hallway waiting for my name to be called. I walked into a room where they had everyone in the room--lawyers, prosecutors, district attorney and the accused killer. All eyes were on me. I sat on a chair that I had to take a step up. The DA did the questioning. They even asked me where I worked and the department I worked in. I thought, just great, now the killer knows where I work and the department for which I work. He's gonna have his family follow me. They let me go because they asked a question and I said, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." About a year ago, four of my family members all received jury summons on the same week. It was rather funny. They were saying someone must've played a joke on them. Reader: I asked my sisters-in-law. I was correct about the oranges and tangerines. It symbolizes good luck and wealth. We always have oranges at the alters at home. They don't know what rice symbolizes. One of my sister-in-law is from Guangzhou and she has seen rice, but doesn't know the meaning. My other sister-in-law is from the village and never seen it. They said it probably varies from different parts of China. Have you seen chimes at a cemetary? I've seen three or four of them in the Chinese section of the cemetary. They are the huge ones hung up on the tree. That means calling all spirits to come out. When my oldest brother came down for CA after mom's stroke, he saw we had some little Chinese ornaments that are like bells. He told us not to put it up because of that reason. Well, he didn't have to tell me twice. I got a chime from my friend for Christmas. I was going to put it up, but I guess I won't be putting it up. Love and Hugs, May
  8. Mission: I'm sorry to hear about your long lost half sister. Have you ever tried to find her? My friend's friend was searching for her mother. She was given up for adoption when she was 3 yo. It took years to finally find her mom. She found her mother living just a mile apart from each other. Oh, yes, Reader is probably your long lost sister. You don't have to look further. For two years, every time I go to the cemetery, I cry. It doesn't fail. I hear you when certain memories trigger my crying. I heard the song Grease by Frankie Valli the other day. That was one of mom's favorite songs. Mom saw it on TV once and loved it. I think it was the program Solid Gold. She rarely listens to American music, but her eyes and ears were glued to the TV Reader: Thank you so much for your sincere kind words. No, you are right that Ching Ming falls in April. What we normally do is pick a day that would be convenient for us. Since my siblings work and this past weekend they don't have to go to work. We always visit the cemetary during the weekends only. We always go before the actual date, never after. Besides, my grandniece birthday falls on April 4. It's bad luck to celebrate Ching Ming and birthday on the same day. The significance of oranges/tangerines are considered to be good luck and wealth, but don't quote me on this. There are a lot of things I don't know the meaning of. My mom never told us these things. We just followed as we were told to do. No questions asked. The bags of rice is new to me. I got to ask my sister-in-law. I could ask my brother which he is sitting right behind me, but I know he won't respond. He's just like mom. Don't ask just do as I say. I shall give you an answer, Reader. I hope everyone here is doing well. Love and Hugs, May
  9. Hi everyone I went to the cemetary yesterday. We celebrated Ching Ming which is like the Chinese version of that Day of the Dead. I was okay in the beginning, but when I started to (kowtow) pay respect to mom by bowing three times, i lost it. I just can't believe she's actually gone. I know it's been 2 years and people say that on the second year it's the toughest than the first year. The first year seems so unreal and the second year is when it all sinks in. It's all true at least for me it is. I've been rather emotional these days since the last day I posted. I'm going to make this post short. My wrist is still hurting. I've been staying busy pulling weeds. That repetitive pulling doesn't do me any good for my wrist, but does May ever listen??? Noooo!! Are you sure that you don't have a long lost sister, Reader and Mission? You guys have so much in common.
  10. Reader: Thank you for your very touching words, Reader. It's been a really hellish few days for me. Tear are continuous. I couldn't fall asleep last night even after taking melatonin. I keep hearing noises in my room which I'm sure it's the house settling. I keep reliving everything in my head from the beginning to the end. I miss taking care of her. I know it was hard for me, but I don't know how I was able to manage it all. Only if I can have one more day with mom. Just one. ELiz: Thank you for your kind words. I just hope that I don't forget about mom going forward because I sometimes have memory problems. Sometimes when I read the posts I have to go back and re-read the message so that I can respond. It's very scary. Athina: Thank you. How is your visit back home? Love and Hugs, May
  11. This is so frustrating. I just lost a long post and I replied to everyone. I lost it twice. I'm not about to type everything again. My wrists is hurting again. For those of you who don't know a little about me, I suffered a bleeding stroke and all my left side is weak. I just type with one hand only. So, Reader and Mission, I certainly had my fair share of many disappeared posts. Today marks the 2 year anniversary since mom has gone. Today, during lunch, I was daydreaming and then tears started to roll down my face. I stopped and went to my room and asked, "Why? Why? Why? Mom did you have to leave? I was breaking down crying for about an hour. I wanted so much to just die. Love and Hugs, May
  12. Eve / The Girl: I'm so sorry for your beloved moms suffering. Some doctors are angels and some I just wonder. It's really sad and so scary. Several years ago mom all of a sudden fainted for a few minutes and she threw up. My mother was going to have a pacemaker put in her because they found (I think) an irregular heartbeat. Please forgive me because I can't remember. I suffered a bleeding stroke. I have trouble remembering things. Anyways, we didn't feel comfortable with the thought of mom having surgery at her age. Mom's cardiologist reassured us that patients her age usually come out successfully. He said, "They just make a small incision and that's it." At the hospital, we were waiting for her heart doctor to arrive to talk some more and possibly decide if we should schedule surgery or not. Then, in came a doctor. It wasn't mom's cardiologist, but another cardiologist. He said he reviewed her records and said that he didn't think mom needed a pacemaker. He feels that her heart was strong enough. They only adjusted her meds. He was very thorough explaining. Thank goodness we didn't listen to her cardiologist. We decided to change cardiologist and drop her old one and went with this one. She never had problems with her heart again. Mission: Wow! There are so many similarities between you and Reader. It was probably meant for you two to find each other, but, of course, under other circumstances, not like this way. Two hours waiting for a wheelchair? You've gotta be kidding. Maybe half an hour is more like it. I'd get pissed, but I'm just like your dad. I hate to make a scene, but I would comment on yelp or complain online. Only if your step brother helped, you could've been home already. Mom was fortunate she didn't have bad experiences with her doctors/nurses, but there was one asshole. They were mostly very nice and attentive. The only one was when the weekend nurse was taking care of mom in the ICU. The rehab doctor wanted to see if mom responds to moving her arm and leg on her stroke side before they can move forward with rehab. The rehab doc, nurses and we would try occasionally. I think she moved it maybe a total of 2-3 times. That bitch nurse pinched mom black and blue on both sides of her pectoralis muscle (armpit area) to try to wake up the muscles. I didn't realize that she pinched so hard. I was fixing mom's gown to cover her shoulders and make sure she was warm. That's when I discovered the bruises. She came in Friday night and left Sunday night. I noticed it after her shift. I told the weekday nurse and she says that they don't normally use that tactic. We were so upset and reported her to her supervisor or complaint officer. I remember seeing mom twitched a little. My poor mom. She was probably in much pain. I remember I was crying because I was so upset. Reader: Oh, I'm so sorry. You did all you could, Reader. It wasn't your fault. Your dad didn't have an appetite, gave him his favorite foods and even tried Ensure. Even if you did try to sneak the medication into his food, he didn't have an appetite. It doesn't sound right to me. I'm no doctor, but someone who had a stroke at that age and was losing weight stopped all his meds? If anything, it was his doctors that killed him, not you. How dare they dismissed your questions about the side effects. If anyone stops their meds cold turkey, I would think it can backfire. I'm sorry that you didn't get help from your siblings. You are an awesome daughter and your father was so lucky to have you. Does that sound familiar? Back right at you, Reader. Don't you forget that. Your siblings (and mine) should've split the work taking care of your dad so it wouldn't just fall on one person. I remember I hadn't gone out in such a long time. I forgot how a grocery store looked like. I hadn't visited in months. I was like a kid in a candy store. How pathetic!!! Silverkitties, LisaK, Zsusie: How are you doing? Miss you ladies. Love and Hugs, May
  13. Hi Everyone I've been feeling slightly dizzy lately. It's the side effect from the BP medication. I went walking in my neighborhood the other day and I felt the dizziness come on. I was walking back home. I had to sit on the curb and rest a few minutes. One of my neighbors saw me and asked if I was alright. So, I told her and she was so nice she offered to give me a ride home. Thank goodness I didn't walk farther that day because I sometimes walk to Walmart to get to get bp check. I have a bp monitor at home, but it's not reliable. I've bought three Omron brand and they all went haywire within 2 years. I'm just leary about getting one. I know I have to get one though. Mission: I'm so sorry your beloved dad suffered so much while in the hospital. It's a good thing that you were there with him. It's so scary that the nurse didn't even know what's melatonin. I wonder what else does the nurse don't know. I hope she knew what aspirin was. I can relate when your beloved dad had a hard time breathing. I would've raised hell if ICU didn't know that about your dad can't breath. I had a procedure done. I can't remember, but I think it was to check if the clots in my brain cleared. Before the procedure, the nurse gave me a shot of hydralazine for hypertension. Minutes later, I had a hard time breathing. My sister told the nurse and she didn't do anything immediately. Seconds turned into 5-min. I was crying and gasping for air. I do remember the nurse kept making calls and walking back and forth. Finally, i was wheeled into the surgery room. I was awake the whole time during surgery. I felt they inserted a small tube from my upper thigh, to my chest and then my brain. It felt pretty weird. Reader: Please forgive me for I have a hard time remembering things and reading things. Why didn't your beloved dad take his meds? Was it side effect that you mentioned? I wished there was a cure-all magic pill. I think most seniors were stubborn. My mom and her parents were very stubborn. Like you, I kept thinking in circles about why my siblings didn't help me more. I should just let it go. I never brought it up with my siblings. I don't want to fight with them. But, yep, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I love Mission quote.....“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Buddha said it this way, “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” The Girl: Welcome! I'm sorry for your loss. Your beloved mom suffered so much and she was so young. The doctors should've told her how to manage her diet. It could've saved her or at least prolonged her life. Watershed stroke is a new term for me. My mom passed from a massive stroke. She was 86. If she waited 4 more months, she would've been 87. Athina: Stroke is a terrible thing. My mom passed from it. It's coming up 2 years. I, myself, had 2 strokes. So, I have a feeling I am going to leave this world with a massive stroke just like mom. I hate to think that way, but it just makes sense. When you go home, everyone will understand your feelings. I wouldn't worry about it. Eve: It will be a few days from now when we both add another year without our moms. I still have a very hard time using the "D" word, instead I use "passed". I'm sorry that it brought back memories when your mom was admitted to the hospital. Your mom would be very proud of you for everything that you've done. You were the perfect daughter. You tried to reach out to your siblings, but they shot you down. That is so messed up. Love and Hugs, May
  14. Silverkitties: It's good to hear from you. I'm glad your dad is finally going to be discharged from the hospital. I know there will be a ton of work ahead of you. Will there be a caretaker with your dad while you're at work teaching? I wish I was there to lend a helping hand....literally helping hand not hands. LOL How is your teaching going? Reader: I can relate to you feeling guilty about your dad. I often think about what mom was feeling as she was lying there not able to talk. When she moved into hospice for a few days, she will whisper back "I love you" and other times she'd mouthed saying the same thing. Then, she wasn't able to speak anymore. She started to squeeze our hand to a yes or no question. On several occasion I was asking mom and I became very emotional. I had to step away because I didn't want mom to see me cry. Did she know that she was not going to make it? Did she know she was in hospice? Did she wonder why we didn't take her home? Did she wonder why we didn't give her water or food? I'm always thinking about these things. I can also relate to your dad being depressed after the stroke. As I mentioned earlier, I would always cry and become emotional for no reason. People whose experienced a major stroke are normally depressed. I was in a wheelchair for a long time, then a walker and then to a quad cane. My doctor put me on 20mg Zoloft which anti depressant. I was on it maybe for 2-3 months. I weaned myself off of it because I didn't want to become depended on it. The walker and quad cane was passed on to mom. The quad cane was buried with her. Mission: Thanks for the articles. I read similar articles about coffee. I just wish I was able to drink straight up black coffee. I tried so many times before, but I have to have it sweet. I add one creamer and sweet-n-low. When my brother makes the coffee, he like to fix it to his liking, 2 creamers and sweet-n-low. I used to eat celery, but I stopped. Don't know why. Maybe I found it boring or something. I used to eat 2 stalks for lunch or dinner. It is very helpful and has fiber. Well, I'm going to start it again. Deidre: Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an official member of this club that nobody wished to be in. You've come to the perfect place to grieve. I know, everything seems so unreal. I still have those feelings. My mom passed from a massive stroke on 3/13/15. Soon it will be 2 years. Every passing day is painful. Please know that you are not alone. Everyone here is pretty awesome and very understanding. Come back here and share about your sweet mom and/or daughter. We're with you. We're here for you. Love and Hugs, May
  15. Mission, Reader: Thank you, oh, so very much. Grieving really sucks. I wonder when will my grieve ever lessen. I know it's still too early. I wonder will I still be like this 10 years from now? Yes, we will ALWAYS miss our dads and our moms. Grieving is so stressful. I think it's part of the reason why my blood pressure is high again. I'm back on meds again. I remember when I was discharged from the rehab hospital (1.5 months) after my first stroke, I couldn't take any form of stress. Of course my family didn't give me stress, but if I heard an argument it bothered me and I would step outside and cry. My bleeding stroke affected me in weird ways. I will cry for no reason. I remember when the doctor gave me the okay to go back to work, I cried from happiness. Sometimes I would forget how to do the work that I was used to doing daily at work. I'd sit there and cry. Thank God my co-workers were understanding. I would talk back to my superiors and that sure wasn't me. I'm normally quiet as a mouse. I quite drinking coffee, juice, soda and milk. It took me years to slowly drink coffee again. Now, all I drink is coffee, hot tea, water and more water. On my next life, I want to become a dog just like our dogs. They have stress free, sleep, bark, give kisses and loves unconditionally. Eve: I'm so sorry that your sister or whoever is still going behind your back reading your stuff. That's just not right. They are stalking you. Isn't it against the law that they are hacking into your business? I'm sorry for what your brother said to you at the funeral. I wonder what is it going to take for your siblings to call it a truce. What more do they want from you? You've cleaned up the condo mainly yourself. Where was everybody? Yes, our mom's angelversary is just around the corner. I've been very emotional this few days. I can't even do anything, but cry. I don't know if it had anything to do with the 2 year coming up. Those monkeys brought a smile to my face. They are just too cute. I've always had interest in knitting and crocheting. I've brought books to learn. Then, guess what? I had the darn stroke. Can't do anything with one had. I tried to hand sew a button...can't even do that. Love n Hugs, May