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About MayFGL

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Location
    United States
  • Loss Type
    Mother from massive stroke
  • Angel Date
    March 13, 2015

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  1. Hi Everyone, That's incredible about your coworker, ELiz! What are the odds of that?! I remember reading an article about signs from your beloved ones. If you see someone that looks like them it's because they're trying to communicate with you. They are trying to say that they are okay. That's all I remember about that article. I wished I remember all of it, but these days my memory is so bad. I would feel the same way you did. Not believing what I'm really seeing that reminds me everything of my mom. I would have to keep taking double takes. Like you said, it's eerie! Love and Hugs, May
  2. Hello Everyone and to the newbies, welcome aboard. I haven't been here awhile for I have been very busy. I just want to come here and say "Happy Easter" to each of you. For some of us, there's nothing Happy. This would be the 2nd year without my mom. I wish you peace and comfort. With Love and Hugs, May
  3. Mission: What if your sister was looking for you? I wonder if she ever knew she was given up. How is your moving coming along? I apologize for not remembering. You found a house or you're just packing into boxes? My memory is so bad that it's scary sometimes. I just wonder if it has to do with age or like my doctor says, "Well, you've been trough a lot of trauma." I'm 50, but I sure don't feel like it. I feel like 49. Sorry you have jury duty. I was almost picked for a murder trial before my stroke. Have you ever served before? I had a second interview. I remember sitting in the hallway waiting for my name to be called. I walked into a room where they had everyone in the room--lawyers, prosecutors, district attorney and the accused killer. All eyes were on me. I sat on a chair that I had to take a step up. The DA did the questioning. They even asked me where I worked and the department I worked in. I thought, just great, now the killer knows where I work and the department for which I work. He's gonna have his family follow me. They let me go because they asked a question and I said, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." About a year ago, four of my family members all received jury summons on the same week. It was rather funny. They were saying someone must've played a joke on them. Reader: I asked my sisters-in-law. I was correct about the oranges and tangerines. It symbolizes good luck and wealth. We always have oranges at the alters at home. They don't know what rice symbolizes. One of my sister-in-law is from Guangzhou and she has seen rice, but doesn't know the meaning. My other sister-in-law is from the village and never seen it. They said it probably varies from different parts of China. Have you seen chimes at a cemetary? I've seen three or four of them in the Chinese section of the cemetary. They are the huge ones hung up on the tree. That means calling all spirits to come out. When my oldest brother came down for CA after mom's stroke, he saw we had some little Chinese ornaments that are like bells. He told us not to put it up because of that reason. Well, he didn't have to tell me twice. I got a chime from my friend for Christmas. I was going to put it up, but I guess I won't be putting it up. Love and Hugs, May
  4. Mission: I'm sorry to hear about your long lost half sister. Have you ever tried to find her? My friend's friend was searching for her mother. She was given up for adoption when she was 3 yo. It took years to finally find her mom. She found her mother living just a mile apart from each other. Oh, yes, Reader is probably your long lost sister. You don't have to look further. For two years, every time I go to the cemetery, I cry. It doesn't fail. I hear you when certain memories trigger my crying. I heard the song Grease by Frankie Valli the other day. That was one of mom's favorite songs. Mom saw it on TV once and loved it. I think it was the program Solid Gold. She rarely listens to American music, but her eyes and ears were glued to the TV Reader: Thank you so much for your sincere kind words. No, you are right that Ching Ming falls in April. What we normally do is pick a day that would be convenient for us. Since my siblings work and this past weekend they don't have to go to work. We always visit the cemetary during the weekends only. We always go before the actual date, never after. Besides, my grandniece birthday falls on April 4. It's bad luck to celebrate Ching Ming and birthday on the same day. The significance of oranges/tangerines are considered to be good luck and wealth, but don't quote me on this. There are a lot of things I don't know the meaning of. My mom never told us these things. We just followed as we were told to do. No questions asked. The bags of rice is new to me. I got to ask my sister-in-law. I could ask my brother which he is sitting right behind me, but I know he won't respond. He's just like mom. Don't ask just do as I say. I shall give you an answer, Reader. I hope everyone here is doing well. Love and Hugs, May
  5. Hi everyone I went to the cemetary yesterday. We celebrated Ching Ming which is like the Chinese version of that Day of the Dead. I was okay in the beginning, but when I started to (kowtow) pay respect to mom by bowing three times, i lost it. I just can't believe she's actually gone. I know it's been 2 years and people say that on the second year it's the toughest than the first year. The first year seems so unreal and the second year is when it all sinks in. It's all true at least for me it is. I've been rather emotional these days since the last day I posted. I'm going to make this post short. My wrist is still hurting. I've been staying busy pulling weeds. That repetitive pulling doesn't do me any good for my wrist, but does May ever listen??? Noooo!! Are you sure that you don't have a long lost sister, Reader and Mission? You guys have so much in common.
  6. Reader: Thank you for your very touching words, Reader. It's been a really hellish few days for me. Tear are continuous. I couldn't fall asleep last night even after taking melatonin. I keep hearing noises in my room which I'm sure it's the house settling. I keep reliving everything in my head from the beginning to the end. I miss taking care of her. I know it was hard for me, but I don't know how I was able to manage it all. Only if I can have one more day with mom. Just one. ELiz: Thank you for your kind words. I just hope that I don't forget about mom going forward because I sometimes have memory problems. Sometimes when I read the posts I have to go back and re-read the message so that I can respond. It's very scary. Athina: Thank you. How is your visit back home? Love and Hugs, May
  7. This is so frustrating. I just lost a long post and I replied to everyone. I lost it twice. I'm not about to type everything again. My wrists is hurting again. For those of you who don't know a little about me, I suffered a bleeding stroke and all my left side is weak. I just type with one hand only. So, Reader and Mission, I certainly had my fair share of many disappeared posts. Today marks the 2 year anniversary since mom has gone. Today, during lunch, I was daydreaming and then tears started to roll down my face. I stopped and went to my room and asked, "Why? Why? Why? Mom did you have to leave? I was breaking down crying for about an hour. I wanted so much to just die. Love and Hugs, May
  8. Eve / The Girl: I'm so sorry for your beloved moms suffering. Some doctors are angels and some I just wonder. It's really sad and so scary. Several years ago mom all of a sudden fainted for a few minutes and she threw up. My mother was going to have a pacemaker put in her because they found (I think) an irregular heartbeat. Please forgive me because I can't remember. I suffered a bleeding stroke. I have trouble remembering things. Anyways, we didn't feel comfortable with the thought of mom having surgery at her age. Mom's cardiologist reassured us that patients her age usually come out successfully. He said, "They just make a small incision and that's it." At the hospital, we were waiting for her heart doctor to arrive to talk some more and possibly decide if we should schedule surgery or not. Then, in came a doctor. It wasn't mom's cardiologist, but another cardiologist. He said he reviewed her records and said that he didn't think mom needed a pacemaker. He feels that her heart was strong enough. They only adjusted her meds. He was very thorough explaining. Thank goodness we didn't listen to her cardiologist. We decided to change cardiologist and drop her old one and went with this one. She never had problems with her heart again. Mission: Wow! There are so many similarities between you and Reader. It was probably meant for you two to find each other, but, of course, under other circumstances, not like this way. Two hours waiting for a wheelchair? You've gotta be kidding. Maybe half an hour is more like it. I'd get pissed, but I'm just like your dad. I hate to make a scene, but I would comment on yelp or complain online. Only if your step brother helped, you could've been home already. Mom was fortunate she didn't have bad experiences with her doctors/nurses, but there was one asshole. They were mostly very nice and attentive. The only one was when the weekend nurse was taking care of mom in the ICU. The rehab doctor wanted to see if mom responds to moving her arm and leg on her stroke side before they can move forward with rehab. The rehab doc, nurses and we would try occasionally. I think she moved it maybe a total of 2-3 times. That bitch nurse pinched mom black and blue on both sides of her pectoralis muscle (armpit area) to try to wake up the muscles. I didn't realize that she pinched so hard. I was fixing mom's gown to cover her shoulders and make sure she was warm. That's when I discovered the bruises. She came in Friday night and left Sunday night. I noticed it after her shift. I told the weekday nurse and she says that they don't normally use that tactic. We were so upset and reported her to her supervisor or complaint officer. I remember seeing mom twitched a little. My poor mom. She was probably in much pain. I remember I was crying because I was so upset. Reader: Oh, I'm so sorry. You did all you could, Reader. It wasn't your fault. Your dad didn't have an appetite, gave him his favorite foods and even tried Ensure. Even if you did try to sneak the medication into his food, he didn't have an appetite. It doesn't sound right to me. I'm no doctor, but someone who had a stroke at that age and was losing weight stopped all his meds? If anything, it was his doctors that killed him, not you. How dare they dismissed your questions about the side effects. If anyone stops their meds cold turkey, I would think it can backfire. I'm sorry that you didn't get help from your siblings. You are an awesome daughter and your father was so lucky to have you. Does that sound familiar? Back right at you, Reader. Don't you forget that. Your siblings (and mine) should've split the work taking care of your dad so it wouldn't just fall on one person. I remember I hadn't gone out in such a long time. I forgot how a grocery store looked like. I hadn't visited in months. I was like a kid in a candy store. How pathetic!!! Silverkitties, LisaK, Zsusie: How are you doing? Miss you ladies. Love and Hugs, May
  9. Hi Everyone I've been feeling slightly dizzy lately. It's the side effect from the BP medication. I went walking in my neighborhood the other day and I felt the dizziness come on. I was walking back home. I had to sit on the curb and rest a few minutes. One of my neighbors saw me and asked if I was alright. So, I told her and she was so nice she offered to give me a ride home. Thank goodness I didn't walk farther that day because I sometimes walk to Walmart to get to get bp check. I have a bp monitor at home, but it's not reliable. I've bought three Omron brand and they all went haywire within 2 years. I'm just leary about getting one. I know I have to get one though. Mission: I'm so sorry your beloved dad suffered so much while in the hospital. It's a good thing that you were there with him. It's so scary that the nurse didn't even know what's melatonin. I wonder what else does the nurse don't know. I hope she knew what aspirin was. I can relate when your beloved dad had a hard time breathing. I would've raised hell if ICU didn't know that about your dad can't breath. I had a procedure done. I can't remember, but I think it was to check if the clots in my brain cleared. Before the procedure, the nurse gave me a shot of hydralazine for hypertension. Minutes later, I had a hard time breathing. My sister told the nurse and she didn't do anything immediately. Seconds turned into 5-min. I was crying and gasping for air. I do remember the nurse kept making calls and walking back and forth. Finally, i was wheeled into the surgery room. I was awake the whole time during surgery. I felt they inserted a small tube from my upper thigh, to my chest and then my brain. It felt pretty weird. Reader: Please forgive me for I have a hard time remembering things and reading things. Why didn't your beloved dad take his meds? Was it side effect that you mentioned? I wished there was a cure-all magic pill. I think most seniors were stubborn. My mom and her parents were very stubborn. Like you, I kept thinking in circles about why my siblings didn't help me more. I should just let it go. I never brought it up with my siblings. I don't want to fight with them. But, yep, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I love Mission quote.....“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Buddha said it this way, “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” The Girl: Welcome! I'm sorry for your loss. Your beloved mom suffered so much and she was so young. The doctors should've told her how to manage her diet. It could've saved her or at least prolonged her life. Watershed stroke is a new term for me. My mom passed from a massive stroke. She was 86. If she waited 4 more months, she would've been 87. Athina: Stroke is a terrible thing. My mom passed from it. It's coming up 2 years. I, myself, had 2 strokes. So, I have a feeling I am going to leave this world with a massive stroke just like mom. I hate to think that way, but it just makes sense. When you go home, everyone will understand your feelings. I wouldn't worry about it. Eve: It will be a few days from now when we both add another year without our moms. I still have a very hard time using the "D" word, instead I use "passed". I'm sorry that it brought back memories when your mom was admitted to the hospital. Your mom would be very proud of you for everything that you've done. You were the perfect daughter. You tried to reach out to your siblings, but they shot you down. That is so messed up. Love and Hugs, May
  10. Silverkitties: It's good to hear from you. I'm glad your dad is finally going to be discharged from the hospital. I know there will be a ton of work ahead of you. Will there be a caretaker with your dad while you're at work teaching? I wish I was there to lend a helping hand....literally helping hand not hands. LOL How is your teaching going? Reader: I can relate to you feeling guilty about your dad. I often think about what mom was feeling as she was lying there not able to talk. When she moved into hospice for a few days, she will whisper back "I love you" and other times she'd mouthed saying the same thing. Then, she wasn't able to speak anymore. She started to squeeze our hand to a yes or no question. On several occasion I was asking mom and I became very emotional. I had to step away because I didn't want mom to see me cry. Did she know that she was not going to make it? Did she know she was in hospice? Did she wonder why we didn't take her home? Did she wonder why we didn't give her water or food? I'm always thinking about these things. I can also relate to your dad being depressed after the stroke. As I mentioned earlier, I would always cry and become emotional for no reason. People whose experienced a major stroke are normally depressed. I was in a wheelchair for a long time, then a walker and then to a quad cane. My doctor put me on 20mg Zoloft which anti depressant. I was on it maybe for 2-3 months. I weaned myself off of it because I didn't want to become depended on it. The walker and quad cane was passed on to mom. The quad cane was buried with her. Mission: Thanks for the articles. I read similar articles about coffee. I just wish I was able to drink straight up black coffee. I tried so many times before, but I have to have it sweet. I add one creamer and sweet-n-low. When my brother makes the coffee, he like to fix it to his liking, 2 creamers and sweet-n-low. I used to eat celery, but I stopped. Don't know why. Maybe I found it boring or something. I used to eat 2 stalks for lunch or dinner. It is very helpful and has fiber. Well, I'm going to start it again. Deidre: Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an official member of this club that nobody wished to be in. You've come to the perfect place to grieve. I know, everything seems so unreal. I still have those feelings. My mom passed from a massive stroke on 3/13/15. Soon it will be 2 years. Every passing day is painful. Please know that you are not alone. Everyone here is pretty awesome and very understanding. Come back here and share about your sweet mom and/or daughter. We're with you. We're here for you. Love and Hugs, May
  11. Mission, Reader: Thank you, oh, so very much. Grieving really sucks. I wonder when will my grieve ever lessen. I know it's still too early. I wonder will I still be like this 10 years from now? Yes, we will ALWAYS miss our dads and our moms. Grieving is so stressful. I think it's part of the reason why my blood pressure is high again. I'm back on meds again. I remember when I was discharged from the rehab hospital (1.5 months) after my first stroke, I couldn't take any form of stress. Of course my family didn't give me stress, but if I heard an argument it bothered me and I would step outside and cry. My bleeding stroke affected me in weird ways. I will cry for no reason. I remember when the doctor gave me the okay to go back to work, I cried from happiness. Sometimes I would forget how to do the work that I was used to doing daily at work. I'd sit there and cry. Thank God my co-workers were understanding. I would talk back to my superiors and that sure wasn't me. I'm normally quiet as a mouse. I quite drinking coffee, juice, soda and milk. It took me years to slowly drink coffee again. Now, all I drink is coffee, hot tea, water and more water. On my next life, I want to become a dog just like our dogs. They have stress free, sleep, bark, give kisses and loves unconditionally. Eve: I'm so sorry that your sister or whoever is still going behind your back reading your stuff. That's just not right. They are stalking you. Isn't it against the law that they are hacking into your business? I'm sorry for what your brother said to you at the funeral. I wonder what is it going to take for your siblings to call it a truce. What more do they want from you? You've cleaned up the condo mainly yourself. Where was everybody? Yes, our mom's angelversary is just around the corner. I've been very emotional this few days. I can't even do anything, but cry. I don't know if it had anything to do with the 2 year coming up. Those monkeys brought a smile to my face. They are just too cute. I've always had interest in knitting and crocheting. I've brought books to learn. Then, guess what? I had the darn stroke. Can't do anything with one had. I tried to hand sew a button...can't even do that. Love n Hugs, May
  12. Mission, Reader: Thank you for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I can't help but cry after reading your post. I feel like i've been put on a pedestal, but I don't deserve it. Both of you have been there for your dads as well. Without you, where would've they be? I have been very emotional these few days. I don't know if it's thinking about the 2 years angelversary coming up or what. Eve: How are you? Love and Hugs, May
  13. Hello Everybody, Thank you all for sharing your story of how your beloved moms and dads passed. My mom never liked hospitals. When she had the massive stroke, they did a procedure called TPA which works like draino. It's a breakdown of clots in her head. Most people comes out successful with the TPA, but a small percentage of people bleed. Mom was one of the unsuccessful ones. She bled. That procedure was the chance we had to take. Mom woke up the next day around noon. She was able to talk. She didn't speak English. She spoke Toisan (a dialect of Chinese). She told me to ask the doctor if she can go home. Of course, I had to lie to her. I told her as soon as she gets better, she can go home. A week goes by in ICU and the things don't look good. Hospice rep came by to talk to us. We had to decide weather to take mom home or go to hospice. We chose hospice. The exact reason was just like yours, Dgiirl. If something went wrong, there's no guarantee that they'll be here fast. You have to think about traffic and the distance. But in hospice, the nurse is just down the hall. I was always with mom the whole time at the hospital and at hospice. I only went home to shower and eat and then head back. My sister and I would spend 24/7 with mom. I don't think I even ate a decent meal. I would have decaf coffee and a few ritz crackers, pecan cookies or Cheetos. I wouldn't even think of sleeping at night. I wanted to be with mom when she woke up. She slept most of the time. She would just stay awake for 3-5 minutes and goes right back to sleep again. When she moved to hospice after a week, I remembered being "scared of mom". It's the way she looked. Whenever she wakes, I would look over and she is "looking" at where we were. I'm not sure if mom is really looking at us. I don't even know if she was able to see at all. She was not able to talk anymore, but I made sure to tell her "I Love You". On the day she passed, my sister and I made a quick errand to Walgreens while my niece and nephew were with mom. It took maybe 1.5 hours. When we got back, it was about 4:30PM. My niece says she was sleeping the whole time. My niece and nephew left. Mom woke up and closed her eyes for a few minutes, then opened her eyes again. I thought, maybe she needed to change her position. So, we position her lying on her right side. Yet, still she stayed up. Then, I thought maybe she still wasn't comfortable. She loved lying on her back and falls asleep faster. So, we helped her lay on her back. She closed her eyes and I thought she was going to sleep, but she opened them again. Right there I knew something was not right. I told my sister to call everybody to get there fast. Just like MissionBlue says, they experience a burst of energy before they're gone. Even the nurse told us the same thing. We took a laptop for mom to watch her favorite Chinese operas. She spent a long time up watching it. The day before she was watching it like 4 hours straight. Like I said, I didn't know whether she was able to see or just turning her head where she heard the noise coming from. Later on the evening, her breathing became heavier and faster. She got a dose of morphine. She was sweating and we thought it was the morphine. Her left leg was bent from the stroke. It was never straight. I noticed her leg was turning black. Later, her ears were pulled back. I remember reading it somewhere that when their ears are pulled back, it means the time is coming. At 10:29PM, mom's heart stopped. We had everyone surrounding her---siblings, in-laws, grandkids, great grandkids. Everyone thought that I was going to have another stroke. They pulled up a chair and had me sit. That was the day my world was over. I started this post yesterday morning and had to keep stopping because I had uncontrollable tears. I'm still very emotional. Thanks for reading guys. Love you all. Love and Hugs, May
  14. Jackie: I'm sorry for your loss. It will almost be 2 years since my mom passed. The first year, especially, seemed so unreal that mom wasn't with me anymore. It was all like a dream, when I wake up, everything will be back to normal. The feelings of loneliness, anger and guilt is never ending. Please don't let the discussions here throw you off. Just post your heart away. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. Your beautiful sweet mom seems to be a very fun, loving mom. If you break down, just let the tears flow freely. It doesn't matter what people think. Mission, Reader: Thanks so much for your kind comments. Yes, I agree, there is no perfect caregiver. I used to get real mad with my sister for not helping out with mom. I would ask her to stay overnight to help me with mom. Sometimes she would, but not without getting mad. I would tell her that I take care of mom 24/7, how do you think I feel? Don't you think that I deserve a break? Yeah, everyone gets to go out somewhere and I'm stuck here. You went to a party. You went to a concert. It really must be nice. Did you even think about mom or me? Oh, maybe I shouldn't have gone to the party/concert and helped May it didn't even cross your mind at all. Do you think that's fair? Do you think it's fair for a handicap take care a handicapped. It's your mom, too. I was pretty upset. Each of us here did the best we could to care for our parents. I'm sorry that you had to shell out more money for the tools, Mission. Yep, I wished you had the security camera plugged in, too. I'm also in the social network. Crime in my area has increased a lot. It used to be safe. About two weeks ago, when I went walking, I noticed mailboxes open on every block. I'm thinking it's tax time. There are shootings from nearby apartments, car thefts and house break-ins. It changed a whole lot in the last 20 years. It's even happening in the richer neighborhoods. Athina: I know the feeling when someone shows you pictures of their vacation which it could've been your mom. My friend showed me their family vacation to Europe. I just wished she didn't show me because I wasn't in the mood, especially a few months after mom passed. It bothered me, but I pretended to look and was just daydreaming. She just loves taking pics of everything. Even people just standing there talking. Hate it! Have you taken any videos? Any spirits? Silver: I'm so sorry that you were cheated out of the inheritance money. Is there any way that you can get the money, which rightfully belongs to your dad? Isn't your cousin a lawyer? Maybe you can ask her what can be done. Maybe she knows some Chinese laws. It's really sad that money destroys love between family members. I just talked to my friend this evening. He husband died about a month ago. I think I mentioned it recently. They are an elderly couple who lives in Mississippi. When he died, he left her nothing. I just found out not even his kids got anything. Everyone was surprised. He robbed everyone blind. He took care of everything financially. They were husband and wife and trusted each other. The only thing that has her name is the cell phone. About a week after the funeral, she suffered a stroke that affected her eyes only. She had already suffered a right broken arm in 3 places, left arm was also injured, she fell and hit her right side of face that left her black and blue. She almost needed brain surgery. ELiz: I know exactly what you mean. I am the same like you. When I'm in my happy moment, suddenly I think about mom and I would tear up. I could be taking a shower, reading posts here or while I'm eating, I'll find myself tearing up. The other day, we had a get together at our house. I was speaking with my brother-in-law's mom and suddenly I was tearing up. I wonder when will we ever get over that stage. Love and Hugs, May
  15. The funeral I went to was my friend's mother, Reader. She died from lymphoma. He just lost his wife less than year ago to suicide. They were a very nice Chinese family. I really feel for him. Both his wife and mother were buried side by side just steps away from my mom. I got to spend time with mom. I was crying just thinking how much I wanted to be with her. Thank you for your kind words. I am guilty of yelling at mom at times. It was so frustrating for me. I wish I was nicer. It's not that I didn't want to take care of mom. I feel it's my duty to take care of mom. It's just needing a break from it all. I didn't get that break. I remember one time I got sick and started having chills. I hardly get sick at all. I think it was more of my body needed to rest. I slept for 2 days straight and I never slept for that long either. I agree with you that Chinese people don't tell you their feelings, but they will show it. My mom used to use tough love tactics when we were kids. When one got in trouble, we all got in trouble. When one gets spanked, we all get spanked. She would always say, "Your heart aches for them, but never show it." referring to spanking or scolding. Yes, like your dad, mom made sure we had enough to eat. I remember one time during dinner, I was joking with her that I didn't have enough to eat. She stopped eating and wanted to give me her bowl of rice. She thought I was for real. I'm listening to some Carpenters and Bee Gees tonight. Memories. I haven't listen to them in awhile because I listen to mostly country music.