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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. Thanks, Dee. I just wanted to let those who helped me in the beginning and continue to help, as well as those who are new, (and remind me how far I have come) how much sharing helps. I know I am a LONG way from handling my feelings but I have made some progress. Like Laurie says above, I too am never going to accept the loss of my son but I am trying to learn to live as best I can because Michael is my heart. But I know that Tim, Heather and Piper deserve to have me as present as I can be. I never want Heather to feel like the "left over" child. Your poem, as touching as always, says it way better. It is beautiful in carrying Erica in your heart. I am trying to make up with some of the graphics Michael used to do for me. I am no where close to really accomplishing anything but the spirit is there. Gretchen, I totally understand your upset with that type of music. It is so hard. Music was always a big part of my life---from teenage angst to my loss---but it is hard to find what doesn't get to me. If is is sad or dark I cannot handle it, if it is upbeat, I don't want to listen. My soul yearns to find its place. Your pictures are so pretty. Looks like your soul is making its way.
  2. Wendy, so good to hear from you. Maddux is a charmer. That ticking clock that approaches that marker date is brutal but Ricky, your twins and your mom are reflected in those big, bright shining eyes on your grandson.
  3. Lesley, I forgot you also were from the UK. I just always think Hawaii. So sorry to see these traumatic stories. Prayers for you and family also. Gretchen, your connection with Forest will never, EVER be disconnected. You have had those incredible signs with your angel lady, you know he is there. He has been all along. While you were suffering so he was there for you, as you gained your health, he was there for you. He is on the sidelines beaming and cheering for you as you get your footing. Could you have decorated your loft without his support--probably not. Never think your connection needs to come through the screaming pain. It comes because you have him in your heart, you are his mom.
  4. Georgina, I just turned on the tv and see the tragic attack in London. My heart and prayers to you and all your fellow countrymen.
  5. Silky, grieving for your beautiful son seems so unbearable right now. Grief seems to have a life of its own and you never know when it will rear its ugly head. You will come through this. One of the things I tried to do in my early days was spend time outside. For some reason I felt that "outside' brought me closer to my son. I would walk and "talk" to him. Sure, sometimes it made me cry but ---well I still do--- but sometimes it made me feel like the pain quit poking at my heart for short periods. Sometimes, you just have to go with it. But in the dark times, KNOW, FEEL, your son's arms around you telling you you will be ok. He is there. He always will be.
  6. Christopher's Mom, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child, all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your son.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. For now, just try to focus on getting through the next day, or hour, or minute. Of course, as a mom, you want to look for what might you have seen, or done, or changed but you can't change this outcome as much as you would want and need to. But, you can love Christopher and know that while his physical presence is out of your reach, he is with you. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. I understand the feeling of guilt, anger, emptiness, sadness. They come at you from all sides. I know that eating, sleeping are things you probably are having trouble doing right now but do your best to keep hydrated and rest. Even though you cannot even think right now, you need to take care of yourself on a physical level. I know, that is the last thing on your mind, but grief takes everything out of you. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. It is a rough and rocky road ahead. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  7. Laurie, YUP, I found that poem so early on in my loss and have used those shoes as a metaphor for my pain and grief. Glad you brought it forth for some of the new ones here.
  8. Sherry, thanks for sharing your story. I can just close my eyes and see what was going on in that ER. But, like you, I know that "Higher Power" was there for him also. I see him walking down that dark tunnel with the bright light in the distance and his lifting his arm in a backward wave as he went to his forever home.
  9. Silky, I am not a therapist or a psychologist, just a bereaved mother like you. At 7 weeks, I was lucky I remembered who I was....the pain and sadness gets overwhelming. At about this time all of the "responsibilities' were taken care of and most everyone has returned to their lives except your life was just turned upside down and shaken until your brain rattled. I understand how a birthday celebration would have been so hard at this point, I, too, could not have done that. I am sure your husband went for you---not that his grief is less---but I am sure he wanted to take care of you and honor your mom because that is what a kind, compassionate husband would probably do. I once came across a quote that I keep on my desk that says," The loss of a child is a forever sadness. No joy will ever be felt without an "if only...". I think that is true. Every moment to feel ---and I don't really think that is just "joyful" moments--- will always hear that voice in the background of your mind saying "if only". As for anger-- well--- just my opinion here-- but anger is a part of grief, I think we have all read that everywhere but under the anger lies the pain. Grief is messy and unpredictable and for some it can be loud. We all ask "why?" We try to make sense of a state that defies sense-- the death of our child--- no reason is good enough.. You love them and you want them back even though that cannot happen. Frustration, anger, it can get very loud and overbearing but, within our human boundaries, sometimes you need to get it out. Dann, I can still very definitely agree with you that this pain and sadness is gutwrenching. At 2.5 years tears still come forth more often than not. I think of my loss and my sadness probably daily. But what I have seen in this sadness is a somewhat glimmer of that word hope. Hope that my family can learn to adjust to what we have and learn to manage what we have lost. I know we have a long way to go but if "better" is not the right target, we are working towards the ability to manage and adjust. Going back to work is a step that will take you forward but will also have you maybe making a few steps back. That is the journey we are on now. Know that we are all on the sidelines cheering for you when you can take that step but hugging you when the step goes backward.
  10. Bob, I am betting that Jake would want you to be a part of Nick's life just as it was the two of you together. I read something the other day--it said "Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself. I will never apologize for being me and if you think differently, you should apologize for asking me to be anyone else." That seems to be good words and reminded me of you .
  11. Gretchen, I for one love seeing pictures of my dear indigo friends' family. At this point in my journey it just gives me hope for life.I think a little bragging is good for the soul. Beautiful and happy group of kids! That picture of Madelyn and Preston is a treasure.
  12. Kate, just read your post from a few days ago---I am backtracking as I have been trying to read these on my tablet which is old. I can definitely see where Jeff got his compassion from....it is obvious you are a very kind, compassionate woman. Yikes, snow and cold today. Can't we choose between one or the other!!
  13. Georgina,thanks for the candle for all of our Angels. 30 months----did we ever think we could have come this far? I was betting not making to Nov 29,2014. Step by step is how we did it. Most of the time I beg not to wear these shoes and I do not recognize who I am in them. The shoes hurt ALOT. But I keep going. I sometimes stop the hurt for a while when I do not think about what I lost to get put in these shoes. I try really hard to think about what I have and what I had. I think about myself in tennies--gym shoes-- the soft comfy kind where I could run after my kids and took the time to think about the future. I know I cannot do that anymore in the same context. My future is different--- but it is still out there. Heather, Tim and Piper occupy that space. But in that blur of the future that I just can't quite focus on stands the spirit of Michael. He is forever young, while I forge my way through forever sadness. He is peaceful. He reminded me in no uncertain terms that eternity is forever. I keep him tucked in my heart where he cannot see these ugly shoes I am forced to wear. And somehow, someway, when the timing is as it is supposed to be, he will reach out to me. I will kick off these awful shoes---manufactured by a company called GRIEF--- and be able to run unencumbered. James is the same way--facing forever young, forever peaceful, loving the little brother he never got to know before. I cannot offer any words regarding the details that haunt you because our circumstances are different but the result is the same. But know that James is peaceful and doesn't hurt, is surrounded by the serenity your little robin tries to bring you. These ugly shoes we are in won't last forever. I have it from the thoughts of my son, only eternity is forever. Sherry, yes working from home in those earlier times really helped me. I am not sure how I could have managed to work otherwise. I believe you said you were a nurse--so I imagine you can understand my all too vivid flashes of Michael on a cart in the ER during those last moments ending with the ER doc looking at the clock... But, unfortunately I am once again without a contract and my husband keeps replaying that word RETIRE in my ear. Bob, yes nice to see Jake. Our Angels looking at us always reminds me of our reasons. I guess I never realized our state did the death penalty. That is what I get living up here in The Region. It seems like revolving doors up here. Dee, I was touched by your story about your former student that you met and had lunch with. It reminded me that Michael had such a kind, dedicated teacher in the 7th grade. I think that is a rough time for adolescence. I could not believe it when she came to Michael's service. She had him in class 24 years prior. She recalled so many good and kind memories.
  14. Bob,glad to hear that there is progress for you. That little guy needs a safe home and a chance to know all about his father. Hoping the outcome is everything Jake would want. Devianz, my daughter moved 7 months after we lost Michael so it was pretty hard. Glad my SIL has a good spot with the company and we would have moved also except the location is just not doable. Plus he knew he did not expect to stay there. We do Facetime with Piper and she grows everytime. She loves to talk on the phone. She always has. The day before Michael died was Thanksgiving and she talked to him on the phone. She was only 18 months and you could not make out a word but they had a long conversation. That is a good memory.
  15. Devianz, I can so relate to what you said. For more than a year I really had a difficult time around other people--panic attacks, crying, you name it. I worked from home so that helped with that. I could stretch myself through conference calls but then no one saw me on the other side. I had to travel to Houston one week a month and the plane ride was horrible because of so many people in such tight quarters. I only went to the grocery store at 6:30AM so the number of people was minimal and could usually make it until I got home. I never went out to eat as that was just not possible. Every little thing seemed to get to me. So many things just seemed to go wrong like a domino effect. I am sort of better now, kind of a work in progress. I have gone to restaurants but not a favorite thing. I can go to a store but still try to avoid prime times. Hardest thing for me is my daughter moving across the country. She is my oldest and only. She has a little girl that is and will always be our only grandchild. My husband and I were all set to go wherever they ended up except she went to an area where we could not handle the winters, the elevation or the desolation. That is a big sorrow for us-me especially. Hopefully, her husband's job will allow him to move from there as soon as a GM job opens and we are GOING. Its strange how things just get to you but I think Dee offered a good explanation. Just wanted to tell you that things you are facing are so difficult but a part of this grief. We had the brutal winds yesterday too. Lucky us, we lost part of our fence so now another major project. Always seems like these last 2 years have been one thing after another. But,Take Care and Peace and Comfort to you.
  16. Dee, beautiful poem and you are always so generous touching those of us and others with your words. Lesley, I believe that is what has helped me exactly as you said: and being able to maybe verbalize some encouraging words for those new to this journey. Traveling to the US is a big step for someone with agoraphobia. I hope your visit with your friends gives you comfort and makes NEW good memories. Susan, miss your great snippets of inspiration. Hope all is well with you.
  17. Cher, it sounds like you are doing many things to help yourself. Grief doesn't let you go around it, you have to go through it. I certainly have many ups and downs....still cannot even say his name without tearing up.However, you asked for an affirmation and I have one I use every morning. I still have my first thought every morning that my son is dead. Brutal, slap in the face and I am unable to throw that thought in a bag and seal it up. But I now follow that up with this: Today I will will inhale, the essence of your being to give me strength. Today I will exhale a piece of my sorrow. Becky, sorry to hear of more difficulties with your eyes. What an unbelievable sign from Jared. Perhaps he set off the ringing to make sure you could be aware of him and not miss a sign that you would have trouble seeing. Smart boy that he is..... Aaron, I wish I had words of wisdom to give but I am at a loss. I hope that you and your wife can come together in your sorrow and be stronger together in your loss than apart and hurting alone. Respect each other's grief as it may not be shown in the same way but it is for the same reason, the loss of your wonderful son. Georgina, a beautiful song as always----touches the heart. Georgina, I understand wanting to not take medication to mask the pain. You have been suffering so much with all you face. It always seems like The Compassionate Friends help you when you go. Do they have weekly meetings? Maybe if you cannot do an individual grief counselor or use medications, maybe their group meetings regularly could help. We all know that everyone's grief is unique and you have certainly had your share of complications from the law to your health --and your husband's. I am no physician or therapist but maybe meds would give you time to get your strength back so you can continue to heal? We are different people than we were 2.5 years ago and we have to find our way. I know you have it in you.
  18. Silky, I too have been down that dark road of just wanting it to end. On one of the multitudes of sleepless nights early on I sat in my chair holding a bottle of pills. I thought I could not continue with the pain. Condensing all the facts, I know this sounds crazy but I heard my son's voice say, "Mom, eternity is forever. Dad and Heather need you here." I guess that was like a slap in the face and I have not seriously thought that again. I have had my "I cannot take this anymore" moments but I know he wanted me to rethink and stay here. I am sure if he had been given a choice, so would he. But it is true. Eternity is forever. I have worked hard these last 2.5 years but I have made progress. Has it been easy? NOPE! But that is 2.5 more years with my husband, my daughter and granddaughter. I have had other things knock me down during this but I have learned to get back up, albeit slowly sometimes. I have had great support from those here who are ahead of me on this journey. They give me hope everytime I come on that I will manage. They have shared their stories and mostly their compassion. Those early days are the worst no one who has not experienced them can imagine. It gets different with time, some better, some worse but for now just keep telling yourself it is a minute, or an hour at a time. Eventually it will be a day....
  19. Just want to clarify something I posted. When I said I didn't care what the reason was we lost our son, it was not like I never cared to know. I just meant that I was so rattled in that first month of wanting to know, needing to know why, sometimes that was all I thought about. After we had his service I just resigned myself that he was gone. Yes, I waited for the phone calls that never came, expected him to call or come in and say, " Wow you are not going to believe what happened to me." But, it was never going to happen. I knew he had not been in an accident, nor was there foul play but after a while I just had to focus on the grief of his loss. Churning his loss over and over just made me not focus on the how, just focused on missing him. I knew eventually we would get the how and why. More of my whys were directed on Why did God take him from us.....
  20. Danng, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. This is a good place to come because it is frequented by compassionate people who know the pain, sorrow and grief associated with the loss of a child no matter the age or the circumstances. I am a couple of years into this sadness and loss----and like you we were not given a cause of death. Because he was alone it became a coroner's case and they did not release his body for almost a month. I will tell you that in the beginning, like you, I was so distraught from wanting to know WHY? You know after a while we didn't even care the reason. I don't want that to sound uncaring but after a while nothing was going to bring him back. They tested him for all sorts of things including enviromental things with nothing conclusive. Again, nothing was bringing him back. Nothing was bringing him back. We mourn him, we miss every part of his being and always will. Joe is your son and always will be and your pain is with his loss. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. Like I just posed to SIlky above----- A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  21. Silky, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know those words don't come close to the pain you are experiencing. In this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. I know that this loss brings a parent to their knees with a heart that lies in pieces. I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  22. Vonbalt,So sorry for your loss. The most active thread is Loss of an Adult Child. Go to the last page to post. You will find many grieving parents who have lost children from infants to adults. This is a very supportive and compassionate group. Come share whatever you are ready for.
  23. Georgina,Lesley and Dee are giving you such good advice and support. James' friends will remember him. Even if they don't always reach out to you, know that they speak of him with each other. Michael lost several friends throughout his life and believe me I often heard them speak of those they lost---and if I heard it believe me they spoke at other times. I know these Angel Dates are difficult and always will be. You have been through a lot with your husband's illness, the many health issues you have faced but I know there is a strength in you, after all you faced the worst losing your precious sons. One day at a time, one hour at a time but when the darkness comes think of your beautiful robin that sits with you. That little robin carries a big message that your boys are there and trying to offer you comfort because you are and always will be their mom. They are asking you to not give up and to share their love with their dad, sister, niece and the new life that is coming. They KNOW what a great mom you have been to them. They know the loving family that is theirs. They want that family to heal and be together in the love that they know is there. You are the mom and you can do it, I know you can. Make that your mantra---one hour, one day at a time......
  24. Devianz, sometime that external everyday life jumps in and grief sits and waits its turn. In the very early, raw days it did not know how to wait. I always took this as a step for myself, sort of a coming around so to speak. I found work to be good for me in the early days because sometimes I got so busy. I worked from home so if grief jumped in---which it did frequently--- no one was there to notice my tears. I know some cannot focus on work right after but I did and it helped. Still does. Good luck with with your grief group. I will say that being able to talk with others really helps. As you said above, it helps. Talking or posting and seeing what others can relate to have been a real lifeline for me. I have a long way to go but I know I have made some steps. One of our group has gone to many The Compassionate Friends groups. She felt she got a lot from them. Wishing you luck with your group. Let us know how you are doing.