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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I wish I could offer to carry some of your burden. There is nothing you did to bring all of this about. Sometimes it is just where Fate lands. The best I have is to send prayers and positive thoughts. Kate, thanks for sharing your pictures. They certainly did offer peaceful solace.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Colleen, as you can imagine a very meaningful song for me.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, the first year is so so hard. The emotions seem to be never ending. Sadness, grief, anger, bitterness, hopelessness, and all over again around and around. Every one of those emotions so raw. And every look at the calendar is brutal. But, Tina, it will get more manageable. I am not going to use the word better. But you will start to somewhat function within this new normal. But don't look ahead. Just get through one day at a time. Anything else is too difficult. Never worry about letting things out. That is how every single one of us have to do.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Wendy, thanks for sharing your celebration for Ricky with us. Good to hear from you and to see something so positive happen in your life. You have had it rough with your mom and your daughter. How thoughtful of her to come and bring your little grandbaby. Sherry, I also am getting the heat that Dee referenced. I am up in Northwest Indiana just across the border from Illinois. Today was a brutal 91 degrees with more to follow through the weekend. I live in a regular subdivision and everyone's grass is so sad. No pretty Fall mums around. Lou ann, there is no part of winter I like, that is for sure. Ah yes, but I do like hockey. Started back when I was a kid. We had one tv that belonged to my father. I learned if I wanted to watch it I had to watch Cubs, Bears and Blackhawks (when they weren't "blacked out" by the owners) Stan Mikita is my hockey hero. When my husband and I first were married we went to a lot of Blackhawks games--cost was way more reasonable. Now we watch in the comfort of our living room . Looking forward to this season and hope they come back from the embarrassment of last years playoffs. I have attached a picture of my granddaughter when she was a baby and one of my husband and granddaughter when he bought her a Precious Moment to celebrate a Stanley Cup. She is 4 now and has a new jersey for this year.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, what a wonderful sign from Tommy. He wants to make sure his mom is ok. I would be pretty happy to find $20! Lou anne, the Fall is hard for me also. I lost Michael in November.... then that rolls right into the holidays.. it is tough for sure. I used to love Sept and Oct as my favorite months but now I am not sure I have a favorite anything. Probably stems from minimal and disjointed sleep every night.... So glad to see your comments above. You have such a big compassionate heart... you are going to make it. Just wait until you find those magic cookies..... Nora, thinking of you and holding your hand.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay, you made me curious abut the brown feather. Knowing some of what you shared with us previously I thing Kiona was spot on for you guys. Here is what I found: One of the ultimate signs your Angels are with you is finding a feather. Coming across a feather in your path, or finding a feather in an unexpected place is thought to be a message from the Angels. Your Angels will use feathers of all different shapes and colours to offer you comfort or validation when you need it most. Feathers could also be a clue to an answer you have been looking for, or even a message to tell you you’re on the correct path. So next time you find a feather, pay attention! Although the most common feather sent from Angels is white, Angel feathers can come in all kinds of colours, and the colour of your feather can give additional meaning to the message your Angels are sending you. ... Brown Brown feathers symbolise home and grounding. Perhaps your home life will see positivity soon! This came from a site: http://www.wishingmoon.com/feathers-appear-when-angels-are-near-what-is-the-meaning-of-finding-feathers/ Susan, such a beautiful sentiment. I am so grateful for all the help you have given me.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou anne, I read your post and had to step away for a minute.... Overwhelmed by the emotion. Yes the cruelest thing that happened was losing your daughter. It shatters your entire world. You know what grief has been like for you and the pain and the suffering. Was it God's doing? Was it fate? I don't know. I am betting there are scholars all over the world trying to find the answer to that. You are suffering a mother's grief. Your husband is suffering a father's grief. Your boys are suffering sibling grief. Do you know what the second cruelest thing would be.....???? To have those boys have to go through grief, this time for losing a mother grief.....your husband would compound his grief by having to suffer more grief for loss of his life partner and wife. The death of a mother does not resolve the death of her child but it will compound the grief in her other children, her spouse. Why did this happen to any of us... I just don't know. But learning how grief is and the devastation it leaves in its wake I would never want to be the cause of that grief to increase in my other child or husband. No one can think clearly when they are in such pain. There are those of us here and elsewhere who have to live with this every day. That doesn't mean that each of us do not suffer in ways unique to us. We bear the scars of a lost child or children. But somehow in our own way one foot goes in front of the other. If we need help to move that foot forward then we need to seek it by whatever means we can.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Somersky, that phone call is a sign and you were attuned to it. I believe without a doubt. I have been fortunate enough to have had some signs since I lost Michael. He died the day after Thanksgiving and the following year on Thanksgiving we were woken to a song playing.. "How to Save a Life".... Music was always a big part of our household. I got up and looked in all the rooms. My husband thought I turned on the radio. The radio by the bed was not on. Of course, it is winter at that time so no windows open. We unplugged the radio anyway, and the song continued. Another was a dragonfly that hung out on our deck. The seasons were changing and the weather was a little cooler and this red dragonfly would come whenever we went out on the deck and sit with us until we went in. Another... we were driving to Wyoming and started talking about Michael being there with us (my daughter lives there). And up in the sky we saw a cross. Not just a regular cross but an orthodox cross (my paternal side is orthodox). And the last was a plant I had received from some friends when Michael's dog died (this occurred before his loss). I am not a plant person but since the plant was given in friendship for Michael's dog I have kept and tended to it. In the middle of the plant was a Willow angel holding a dog. One day after I had watered it I said to my husband I should trim this back because you can barely see the angel. The next morning the angel was moved to the front of the plant. I have been fortunate that my husband also shared all of these things because he would have thought me crazy. All I can say is Believe. Skylar was reaching out to you to let you know he was there with you. Interesting about the feather. I have had a single feather dropped on my covered porch for the last several mornings. Not a bunch like a hawk got a bird but a single feather every morning.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, I know what you mean about autumn. It was always my favorite time of year. Now it will always be connected to my loss....but the weather has been nice. We got a significant rain yesterday. I think the grass stood up and cheered. A baking pie in the oven sounds wonderful....hope the Cubs save a few runs for tomorrow. Seems like they win by a gazillion and the next day can't get a one. Sounds like a fun day tomorrow with a family gathering and the little ones. What I wouldn't give for that! Kate, I could not take being able to hear hunters. I know they have the right and all but if I could I would take care of every animal... probably mess up something in the eco system but I would want to take care of them all. I would never be able to own a cattle ranch because I would keep them all. Sandy,glad your daughter will be ok. What a frightening thing. Sorry to hear about your brother.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay, hope you are doing ok and hoping at this time you have found some source of assistance for you and your kids. Positive thoughts sent your way. Margo, hoping that your health and strength are returning and this finds you at work in front of your wheel letting the creative juices flow. Laurie, glad to see you post. Hope you find your parents well. Susan, thinking of you every time I turn on CNN and see the destruction across Florida and Texas. Seeing pictures of your little ggs Veto and Georgina's beautiful little granddaughters makes us remember that no matter how tough things are and what rocks we have to carry there are such good reasons to keeping going forward. Lou ann, hoping you are finding some footing in peace---and that box of magic cookies is sent across the miles for you. Dee, thanks for "holding my hand" and being a positive source of strength. Hope your men are doing well and finding healing.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, thank you for asking. I am doing okay. I think of him everyday--some good some hard...trying my best, like all of us. 3rd anniversary looming ahead but trying to keep a little light on. Trying to keep on carrying on like your snippet above. Kate, hoping Ross does well with his medication. Meds are so expensive. Tim had cataract surgery this spring and he had to do pre-and post meds. They were almost $1,000 and that is with a drug supplement. Dee, glad your family is safe. These hurricanes have been so disastrous. We were so disappointed when my SIL didn't get the job in Sarasota but now maybe someone was watching over us.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Nora, I am sorry for your loss but you HAVE come to a good place. We are bereaved parents here who have lost a child or children and have banded together to help each other through this unimaginable loss. The ages are varied, the losses are varied, the time lengths are varied but we share our pain,our healing and our thoughts and welcome you here in our safe haven. Share whenever you are ready, whatever you are ready to. You are not alone.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, know that James is never forgotten on this sorrowful day. All who loved and knew him remember. Our hearts and hands surround you and your family with comfort and support and ask James to help you feel his presence and give you strength for all you face.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, adding my prayers for your niece and her daughter.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    My childhood stays in what I call my black bag. Like I said, I became who I am IN SPITE of how I was raised. Have always held these words Susan relayed from her dear Grama-----.I have been quite shocked to hear how some were raised. My Grama use to say..'sometimes they teach you how not to be'. I am sure a therapist would draw a big red flag around my black bag but that is probably for another forum. Kate, I thought the same thing this morning when I heard about Mexico.... and another hurricane right behind Irma. Mother Nature is pretty unhappy with us for sure. Hoping that somehow the damage is less and the lives are all safe.
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, glad to see you post. The destruction in Texas is unbelievable. One thing for sure, the spirit of Texas has shined through this. That snippet about the bass boat was so on point. So many volunteers .... they do deserve a statue! Hoping Florida can find their way through. That Veto is a little charmer. Margo, glad you are on the mend. An artist back to work is always a good sign. Lesley, your kind words are always full of heart. We are broken puzzles whose pieces will never go back the way they were...guess that means we just have to get used to a new picture.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou ann, you truly break my heart. I wish I could find a ray of light and plant it outside your window. Bad childhoods are one of the worst things in the world. Unfortunately I too know their devastation. I was the goat in my family. At the age of 12 my father wanted nothing to do with me and told me so on my birthday. But that was okay because my mother always told me my birthday was nothing special. I won,t go into why my father wanted nothing to do with me. I keep those memories in the bag I carry around. Move on a few years and my mother told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I did not see her for over 20 years when she died at the age of 94. I was the screw up. Graduated 10th in my high school class,....but my brother was valedictorian of his.... first in my college class and honors in some postgrad. A total screw up. But I will tell you that I became the person I am IN SPITE of my childhood.....because my kids were going to feel loved no matter what. I am sure that that is how your kids felt....loved by their parents...wanted and cherished in their family. I see that come across in your posts. You lost your daughter, I lost my son, and the many parents here lost a child or children....and there has never been anything so unimaginable in any of our lives. Why did this happen? Lord knows I wish I knew. But don't let grief become your dear friend. Grief is the monster that hides in the closet. Grief is the "stranger danger". My daughter, your sons, the other siblings here have grieved the loss of their brothers and/or sisters. Yet they too have things to look forward to...graduations, falling in love, having their children....whatever path they choose. They have mourned their losses but they need to celebrate their triumphs and milestones. We need to give them that because we are good parents. The pain, the sadness, we carry it with us every single day for the rest of our lives. But we have to remember that their lives,,, and ours too, are precious. I know, not really caring much for my life either....but I want my daughter to know she matters. Lou ann, you are so sad. If I could send you a box of cookies, I would look for magic ones that could bring some light into your life and mend your broken heart.
  18. Loss of an Adult Child

    Leah, how nice to hear from you. You were somewhat active here when I first joined and I got to "know" a little about your beautiful JaBoa. I am sorry for all your health issues. I hope the sun shines down on you for all the love you have given. Tina, wishing that the Walk of Hope, while probably very emotional may help you with the interaction of those also grieving their children. For you, for those of us here and for those at The Walk the common thread is the devastating loss of your children. Every cause of death for a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult, is a traumatic event the parent will always suffer...and suffer... and suffer.... and hopefully learns to handle their new life as they navigate the rest of their lives. One of the most important things I have learned on this site is that we all grieve for our child or children in a unique way, yet we have all come together to share, support, look for help from the many parents here. We have different losses and different ways we have tried to manage. Compassion, caring, moral support for our tattered hearts and souls bring in a ray of light for all of us. I am a mom who loves her children and suffers the loss of one of them.
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay, Hang on tight with both hands and know that we are thinking of you.
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kym, that had to be the most difficult way to find out Scott was gone. That is beyond cruel. You are right that a piece of you is missing and your life will never be the same. I can share with you that that is exactly how I felt and I am sure many of our friends here have felt similar feelings. Not to say everyone's loss has not been unique to them because their child was unique but some of those rocks you feel coming down on you now.... I tried a counselor but I could not do it. I just couldn't sit and talk to someone about it while they looked at me. So many times I expected Michael to walk through the door or call and say, "Mom, you are not going to believe what happened to me." I knew he wouldn't but my heart didn't. I don't mean for you or anyone to think I didn't CARE why he died as we waited. I was just so consumed in the beginning to know WHY. Once the investigators ruled out homicide I just realized that whatever it was it could not be undone and I had to face his never coming back. I kept busy with work but I worked remotely so no one saw my sadness and suffering. It did help to keep myself focused but so many times I had tears. I was glad no one I worked with knew how fragile I was. It does get harder for a while and I think as Kate described from Susan--who comes here often but lives in Texas so there is a lot going on for her---that the shocksuit that envelopes us starts to loosen around the 5-6 month mark and the pain comes out even more than anyone would think possible. A day at a time is good advice. Thinking farther ahead hurts.I know some of our other grievers/supporters will share with you. They have all been a lifeline for me. When you need to cry, cry, when you need to spew, spew, when you need a hand to hold there will be several here to virtually put an arm out for you. This is the hardest thing in your life and in your heart but you don't have to go it alone.
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, I will take cutting their teeth---- it brought 3 Stanley Cups to Chicago. But then we do have to FORGET last season's playoffs....
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kym, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to a good place with caring, compassionate parents. I lost my son 2 years 9 months ago. This group has helped me deal with all a grieving parent has. I, too, had to wait for the coroner's report. He died in November and we got it in April. They held his body for almost a month while they investigated. At first all I could think of was I wanted, I needed to know why. As time passed I was making myself crazy. Then I realized that knowing or not knowing was not bringing him back. The pain and anguish was there and still is but I am making my way. I owe a great deal to those on this site as they have always been here for me. Share whatever whenever you are ready. No one here is a counselor but a group of grieving parents learningto navigate this difficult road.
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou ann, you have said so much in these particular sentences. So, do you think your boys knew in their hearts you were having a difficult dark time right now and there they were for you and your husband? Somehow did their sister cross their thoughts and asked for their help to give their parents a much needed comfort moment? Kira is not far from any of you. She loves you all and always will as she kept you in her heart and soul. You have her in yours. Hmmm, Toews, Sharp (back with the Hawks this year) Keith.... glad you Canadiens sent them Chicago way. Recovery and clean up for Texas....the spirit of them is amazing. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY.
  24. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, glad to hear Ross did well with the surgery. I know waiting for the results is the hard part. Most positive thoughts and prayers are with you both. Just luck on the song-- I never did that before. I just Right clicked on COPY VIDEO URL...clicked on the little chain link in the posting toolbar and it posted in. I think I might have had blind luck. Lou anne, maybe you are not feeling the progress but you are making some for sure. Taking those steps are hard but it will come. I don't think any of us will ever be "normal" in the sense of the normal before. THIS is our new normal. We just figure it out as we go along. And that is what you are doing, that is what I am doing.. as we all are. And as rough as things are you are making progress. Slow but sure. There will be steps back but you will get your footing back. Do not make grief your best friend. It never will be. Know it is always there and sometimes it demands attention but sometimes you can look at the sky, or flowers or your children and know that they are joy and Kira is right there...maybe we only get a presence of our child now but that presence is there. Let yourself feel it. I found that to be the hardest thing to do but with the help of our friends here I learned to feel it. I talk to Michael....but I try to share what is going on not just agonize his loss. I know I do enough of that... but sometimes I just talk about what I am doing and I swear sometimes I can hear his special laugh in my head. Sometimes, while you have to work at it, you have to put those grief slippers up on the closet shelf even though they call out to you. One day you just might feel Kira by your side watching you run barefoot through the grass and she will be the one smiling and laughing her beautiful laugh as she sees her parents engaged in healing and life.
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thought I would see if I could do this.