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TearsInHeaven

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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    I believe I have made some progress in learning to manage my grief with even some moments of light in the darkness and trying to adjust to this new normal. My steps have been small but I believe they are there. I will miss my son for the rest of my natural life and I will NEVER be able to think of the day I lost him as just another day.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, I am so sorry to hear about Tommy's friend. But, yes without a doubt, Tommy was there to help him in and they have probably been catching up in that manly way. Georgina, glad to hear you got some comfort from the retreat and a special thanks for remember all of our angels here. Dee, glad to see those antibiotics are doing their job. Hopefully, you can get some rest over the weekend. It is a rainy mess and tomorrow is supposed to be cold. There is a good book and a blanket with your name on it. Jean, I know how hard it is. It is a step forward. Don't let the steps back discourage you---you take this as small, baby steps and those grandchildren will always be there to put their little hands in your heart. You are very blessed to live close to them. I have one granddaughter and she will be my only one. I love her more than life. Unfortunately, after she was two they moved to Wyoming. So believe me when I say those grandchildren of yours will be the best lifeline ever. Hold on and know that those of us here will always surround you with a comforting place to be. Ten more days and I have relived every one from 3 years ago. My dear son, I miss you so....
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Baby Lisa you are thought of today. Let big brother David hold you and and put you in your mama's arm so she can feel your presence.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Somersky, what a difficult task for you. A trying time but you WILL make it through. Skylar will be there beside you. He will offer the quiet strength you need.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Steve- a remembrance for you on yesterday's sad mark. Hold your family close to you as they make it through another year, another time.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    TBear, hoping that the winds settle today so that you and your family can hear NICK whisper his love for you. Hoping your heart feels gentleness and a calm that only he can give.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, thank you for your support. It means a lot. Part of me feels so weak to suffer through this month. I should be better but I know inside I am not. I just keep reliving Nov of 2014 never realizing it would be my last with Michael alive.A couple of your snippets really grabbed my heart today. You always find good one to share. Dee, I love your skating stories---thanks for sharing. Like your little Erica my Piper is tall for her age and they are close in age (Piper was 4 in June). Piper loves music and I have been trying to get my daughter to get her modern dance lessons. I bet she would like to skate....Last time we were in WY we played youtube videos for her and she danced up a storm. Like a lot of little girls Heather used to love to watch the skating. Maybe Piper could develop an interest. Not looking fora competitor just and activity to help her develop focus, get some great exercise and maybe enjoy the sport. There is a commercial they have played on the Blackhawk games for several years now of a really little guy on hockey skates dressed in all his protection skating towards his dad and just as he almost makes it he falls. It is so cute. Somersky, I understand where you are coming from with genetics. I am responsible for giving both of my children a problems that causes kidney stones and it is carried in the genes. I also gave my daughter---Michael was never tested--- a problem that has caused so severe damage to my joints. She was recently tested and is a top of the scale in the normal but they found that inherited gene. Yes, I feel guilty as any parent would. I am not sure what the answer is to that. Had I known would I not have had my children? Neither of those problems were found until my oldest was around 10. Tina, hang on with both hands. We are here to surround you with support. I felt the intense pain and sadness especially at the first anniversary. Susan has said it is the "shocksuit" loosening and feelings pouring in. Just remember that the only way to face grief is head on. You will make your way. We are here for you.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    TBearw58, I am sorry for your loss of Nick. He looks like a fine young man in the pictures you shared. I am a year behind you as I lost my son 11/28/14. I understand so well how each year seems harder. I am 16 days out from marking year number 3. I cannot even comprehend how 3 years have passed. Most of it is in a blur and seems so often it is sorrow, grief, anger, repeat. I do have some times of leveling out and I have had some glimpses of light I think are hope but the month of November is one long sadfull march. I wish for you the strength to get through Tuesday and some peace and comfort to come into your heart.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jean, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. You are about 10 weeks out from this life altering tragedy. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. It is a rough and rocky road ahead. I am sure you are thinking about the little children losing their dad and his wife losing her life partner but do take care of yourself as grief takes so much out of you. You loved Wesley for 35 years. The first year of grieving a child is like no other and can be equated to a thought you deem too unbearable to think. It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real. Your mind is still trying to process this unthinkable event. Sharing your pain can help you process it. Your grief is your own and you will grieve in your own way and your own time. Don’t try to fit a mold or compare to someone else. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. But while your grief will become a part of you you will find that somehow you will adjust to this new normal in your life. But don't beat yourself up about it not happening in a moment. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. I could not do the counseling part as it just did not work on a personal level. I lost my son at the age of 36 and am shortly coming up on my 3rd anniversary. He did not have any children. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    We got a little snow this morning also. It is the coldest it has been but even I cannot complain about the small dusting of snow. We do get lake effect snow but often it heads more north east and hits cities and towns more up towards the Michigan border. Guess there is no getting around this winter stuff..... Dee, I am still coughing from almost a couple of weeks. Now it is mostly early morning. I was having the night cough wake up but that is better. The cold achies are gone. My nasopharynx "feels' like congestion but it is getting better. I need to get my flu shot and have not yet. Kate, I truly never knew anyone who actually made fruit cake.! ME!!!! Feel better Dee and anyone else under the weather. This time of year....
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, sharing your birthday card with us was so touching. I certainly appreciate how things like that are so touching and treasured. Happy Birthday. Your young man looks like he is "football size". Hope he does well both on and off the field---and suiting up his freshman year is outstanding. Sherry, I agree with you---no Black Friday shopping here either. I don't mind letting my fingers do the walking across the computer keys! We do not buy for anyone other than my daughter and her family and since they have to be shipped it works out well. We pick off the kids tree at our bank and do meals for Salvation Army so that is about our extent. We haven't done decorations since losing Michael. No one here but us and no "friends" to drop in. We used to host a big "Christmas Cheer Night" for the people I worked with on the clinical side but that stopped long ago. One of my Christmas treat was always Christmas music but it has not made its way out of the closet. (How old does that sound these days with cds???!!!!) Just can't do it. And traveling to Wyoming in December is way too risky so I am not even thinking about it. Dee, hope you are feeling better. I had the congestion, cough and throat bug. I felt run over. All is gone but the cough just lingers especially in the morning. Did you hear the weather? A light dusting of snow tonight------not ready for that. But they are also talking 50's next week. We actually cut the grass yesterday and got up some of the leaves. Before I started consulting and actually had to go into the hospital, I used to keep a calendar with a countdown from from Dec 1 to Feb 28th . Those were my scary winter days. But I guess I can take them if I didn't have November any more. I think I am doing well but then November shows up and all I hear is that tick tock and relive every day leading up to that horrible 28th. Lesley, Tommy is so handsome. Thanks for sharing.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, I so envy you being able to not only spend quality time with your grandkids but also be able to help out your son on overnights. For me it means a LONG trip to Wyoming! I know as tiring as it can be you would not trade it for the world. Glad the little guy's cast is off. Becky, your parrot is a riot. Michael's roommates (brothers) had parrot. It only screeched and they let it walk around the house. So many phone calls I got where he would complain to me--because they were his friends and the house was theirs---so he did not want to rock the boat. He also had a cat so I was always worried about that. The cat was left from his girlfriend after they broke up but Michael was always an animal lover and there is no way he would have not taken care of it. His name was Anderson (after Anderson Cooper) and after we lost Michael we asked to make arrangements to have the cat flown here. We were told the cat had disappeared and was feared taken by a coyote. They found his collar. Tina, I know how those anger moments just wash over you. I too believe that some sort of physical activity helps. I think Anger and Grief are like two muggers who come out of no where to attack you. You feel so helpless and overwhelmed. I would walk and walk--pace really-- just to calm down. Those moments happen less frequently than they did the first year. Guess this is all part of the "new normal" we learn as we go. When I feel overcome I have a picture of my son when we was a little boy. He is sitting on a swing. I picture that swing moving slowly back and forth and I have been able to use that as a trigger to put my heart back where it belongs. Sometimes though I think you need to let out what I call the "toxins of grief". Margo, glad to hear your health is better and your recovery is doing as it should. Also glad you and your husband have found a better connection....so many ebbs and flows in this journey. Your art is beautiful. It is apparent you are in a spot where you are letting your love guide your talent. Lesley, quite a nice story with the "message in a bottle". I wish the "close ones" I had would have stayed but unfortunately that is not the case with me. I have friend in Florida that I met when I was working for Texas Childrens. He was a couple of months younger than Michael and I think we hit it off on that level. He is a good guy with good upbringing and he calls me periodically. He and his husband adopted a baby girl about 18 months ago and he sends baby pictures and stories. At least I feel like I have some contact. My old work friends used to invite me to dinner once a month but that stopped about a year ago. I just try to keep busy with projects. It is what it is and I just make the best of it. ... hanging on to the hope that my daughter's family can get out of Wyoming and we can be closer. Enough rambling from me,,,,,, peace and comfort to all.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Having a jumbled up kind of day..... Tick tock
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, thanks for thinking of me. Dee, Laurie, both of your stories make my heart flip. I am a believer but sometimes the doubts hit like a brick wall. Stories like that just give you a renewed sense of comfort and peace. Dee, you are a teacher your kids will remember. Michael had a 7th grade teacher who came to his service after it being 24 years ---but she was that kind of person. Me, I remember my 3rd grade teacher who always told me I must be Krushchev's niece (my father's family was Russian) so the kids made fum of me for most of my childhood.. Susan, you have a creative edge with your decorations. Very nice. Wyatt John is a cutie. Georgina, glad to see you again and glad to hear you are on the mend. We had about 150 kids last night--sometimes we have had as many as 600!. Weather was cold. I personally was never a Halloween fan. My daughter was 4 before she participated (only because she was in preschool) but I have to say I have fond memories of making costumes for two of them one year, Heather was M&M Plain and Michael was M&M Peanut. Oh the things that come as memories out of the blue.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    JaBoa- on this difficult day know that you are thought of and remembered. Bring your angel wings to hold your grandmother and sister. They need your heavenly energy.
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    Louanne, was that Santa something special for Kira? Then I would keep it. But if it is hard for you you need to do what works for you. We do not put up Christmas decorations. No one comes over. No one just drops in. Tim and I just lost a lot of the desire to go through the work. We gave away our trees, threw away the lights--they are outdated with the LED technology. This summer I asked my daughter if she had any interest in any of my decorations otherwise I was donating. I donated alot already but kept the tree decorations. She asked me to keep them for her so I did--- in a plastic tub (s) in the basement should we ever be able to live closer. We don't see each other for the holidays because the Wyoming weather is so precarious we just cannot travel at that time. I did keep a stone nativity that I used to put on Michael's dresser from the time he was little. We actually went to a "Christmas" party that some of his friends organized. It was hard but I felt I needed to try to do that for him. I survived is all I can say. Handle what you can and remember that your boys may need Christmas connections also. Dee, so cute the story of the first skating lesson. Even I used to skate---not very well but it was a kid thing in my neighborhood. My husband was a whiz on skates. He and his friends used to rent ice time up at Notre Dame and go up there to play against others. He also coached an inter-school team of high school boys for a local (Illinois-Indiana) league. Michael asked for skates when he was about 8 and went off with friends and taught himself. My brother used to skate with Dennis Hull (former Blackhawk-brother to Bobby) when he taught at IIT. I hope little Erica's enjoyment of the sport grows. Kate, thanks for sharing about your older son. I worry about how Heather is really doing because she never really says. Leah, Tina, hope you are doing okay. Lesley, just read your post and that is so true about other kids to normalize their lives moving forward. Like Susan said about what her daughter felt.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, thanks for sharing that article. My daughter is just not one open up about her loss. After I dried my eyes, I emailed it to her. I just want her to know her loss is so difficult and it is not just about mine. We are 1 month and 1 day away from the third anniversary and my heart and soul are turning my insides to mush. Optimal timing for me to share that with Heather. By the way, Veto is growing so quickly. He is such a cutie-----and he and mom do look like they are absolutely glowing.
  18. Loss of a 17 yr old

    Jannit,I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know the loss is devastating. This early grief is raw and most times you are brought to your knees. One day at a time....or one hour...or one minute is all you need to manage right now. Come and join the most active thread-Loss of a Child- Loss of an Adult Child. There are many parents there who have come together to share, to speak and or listen to each other as we try to make our way thru this path of grief. , I lost my son almost three years ago. In the beginning I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep well and no one could hear my heart scream. While it doesn't seem like there is a way through, you will find small steps....sometimes 2 steps forward but 3 steps back....Grief is as unique for you as your son and your love for him is unique.
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    CTW143, I saw your post come up and looked and saw your first post in a different thread. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. You have come to a good place. I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... My son was 36 and my daughter is older so I do not have much experience with the grief facing an 18 year old sibling. But, there are many parents on this thread that could offer some insight. My daughter's grieving and mine is different as we are different. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. I know right now your family is suffering with the inconsolable loss and devastation. Even though you cannot even think right now, you all need to take care of yourselves on a physical level. I know, that is the last thing on your mind, but grief takes everything out of you. You are only a month out from this life altering tragedy. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. It is a rough and rocky road ahead.Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie, thank you for posting the link to that post by Mary Neil. I read her book early on after you recommended. Her comments were so spot on. Our family is different without one of our members. Sometimes good, sometimes bad but so different. Not only Michael's loss but so many changes -- my daughter moving across the country to an area my husband and myself have physical issues (8600 feet elevation). My husband retiring and adjusting to "home life". My own sudden instability to obtain consistent contract work and not only the loss of income with that but the loss of a lot of my self identification. Loss of what few friends I had at this point in my life, the state of national affairs, the surge in disasters this summer have all made me more self absorbent than I need to be. It helps to get that jolt that says other have so many things to face and you are not alone with the changes. Leah, you are certainly facing so many changes and trials. I hope that having to resubmit paperwork is a good sign that they are still considering putting Sena with you. You are so caring towards your family. My best prayers and positive thoughts for you. Lou ann, your story about hearing your husband laugh brought a smile to me. I understand exactly where you are coming from. This summer my husband and I worked on several projects both here and at my daughter's. One of the projects was making a new console table for a tv we keep in my den. I was getting tired of sawdust and things in my eyes and had gone and bought a pair of safety goggles---like you had to wear in Chemistry class. We were working in the garage and I had had enough. I went in the house and came out with my goggles on. My husband laughed--- that full body genuine hardy laugh that made me laugh. After we settled down I looked at him and said this was the first time I had heard him laugh since Michael. He pointed out it was the first time we had both laughed--and together.
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, you are closing in on 7 months but believe me, like you I could not believe my son was gone. While I am sure my rational side knew he was never coming back, my heart kept wanting to hope he would come through the door. I am six weeks away from my 3rd anniversary. I realize my reality but I think there never is really acceptance. Somehow this horribly new normal just takes over and the grief ebbs and flows in this different world. I worked after we lost him and it did help to focus throughout the day. Sometimes I am not even sure what I remember from the first year besides the overwhelming pain and sadness. Someday you will find a little light even though it seems impossible now. Everyone advises one day at a time and it really is important. Make it through today and tomorrow is another day. Whatever gets you through the day is a good thing even if you cannot see that now. Work, crafts, walking, cleaning a drawer out, whatever it takes. Thanks, Sherry, my surgery was a couple of years ago just before we lost Michael. My first stone at the age of 31 and my (hopefully) last stone--that caused the sepsis--- were the ones that took me to surgery. I had a radiologist buddy that I worked for that used to ultrasound me and caught the others so I was able to "work with fluids" and medication to pass them. I spent so much time urinating into a filter it was ridiculous.... Michael successfully passed 2 or 3 and Heather successfully passed one... hoping she never has another.
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, your poems were beautiful. I think they should be in a book they are so powerful and moving--helping bereaved parents. BTW, I saw in the paper that Chicago got 4.19 inches of rain on Saturday.We were so dry here that it was gone on Sunday. I did the rain to snow converter and if it had been snow we would have gotten 54.4 inches of snow. Too bad the Cubs game wasn't here in Chicago instead of LA. ---maybe the outcome could have gotten postponed!
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    Angelica, I am so sorry for the loss of little Amariya. She is so beautiful with those big brown eyes. I know she is a beautiful angel. You have come to a good place with many kind and compassionate people here. With everything that happened so fast, please take care of yourself. Your heart, mind and body all need to heal. This grief journey is difficult but we will be here to hold your hand.
  24. New to forum posting

    Hi Elizabeth, I happened to see your post and see that Lesley has been conversing with you. She is such a good person. I have lost my son 2 years 10.5 months ago. It is unimaginable what grief is like and I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I was about a week into my loss when I found this forum and it has helped me. Like Lesley has advised if you go to Loss of a Child--Loss of an Adult Child and go to the last page you will find the most active thread. There are so many kind, considerate, bereaved parents on there. There actually are about 2400+ pages and sometimes even just reading old posts might offer you some comfort. But, the most active is going to the last page and it is there you will get responses. Please, feel free to talk about Stephanie when you are ready and again, as Lesley says sometimes just talking about your loss helps get it out from that festering place in your heart. In this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. I know only to well that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. You have found a way to put one foot in front of the other for nine months. I understand that sometimes those steps are pretty shaky and maybe there are more steps back than what you would like but somehow, some way you have survived. the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (an sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. I could not do the counseling part as it just did not work on a personal level. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out. Lesley, your comforting words are so touching. Tommy stands with his arm around you.
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sandy, so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is so sad to know that someone we love suffers so much. Sarah has welcomed him into heaven. Lesley, I didn't know that they had tv shows from here shown in the UK. I never was too much of a tv watcher until about the last year. Now I am addicted to CNN every morning. I "walk" in my house and am accompanied by the CNN news. I don't walk outside because I am a little nervous of uneven ground and inside I know the floors, we have an open concept and I am always the right temperature. My husband on the other hand has always been a "tv-oholic". He is an "owl" and I am a "lark" ; he loves classic rock and I am eclectic in my music but grew up on motown. Not sure how we ever made this all work but we have... recently reached 44 years. Our grief has turned us inward and we grieve differently. But everything is so different. Dee, sorry to hear that your Michael's leg was broken. He is so little. My kidney stones are from a metabolic problem that I unfortunately passed to my children. Both have had stones starting in their late twenties. Michael had 2 and Heather has had thankfully only one. My first one was at age 31 and they had to go in and get it. I passed the others except for the last one (my ureter must be the size of a garden hose by now.) The last one caused the sepsis and that took place before Michael died. 2011. That was the biggest one of all and caused all the problems. So far since then I have been ok but my kidney, while it functions. is a little compromised. I know that if all this had happened after I lost Michael I am not sure I would have fought so hard to get better. I have an ICU nurse to thank for basically saving my life. Leah, hoping Sena is home before you know it.
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