TearsInHeaven

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  1. Lou ann, although I am not as far along on this path I can understand coming across something and have it shatter you. I am glad that you are able to "put your feet on the floor". Kira is loved and missed by her friends and their testaments to her a a priceless memory. They treasured their interactions and relationship with her and that is a jewel to keep in your heart. Maybe you never read anymore but their thoughts and feelings are in that book and and until you are ready or even if you are never ready their thoughts are in your heart and that is all you need to know for now. One of the things about this group is that they are so compassionate and offer such support when one is crumbled with grief. I think we will always have moments where we crumble into a heap but somehow we get back up and continue on with our child in our heart and the strength of the love we will always have for them. Dee, so glad to see that your husband is home and on the mend. Came across this quote today: “Freedom does not come without a price. We may sometimes take for granted the many liberties we enjoy in America, but they have all been earned through the ultimate sacrifice paid by so many of the members of our armed forces.” - Charlie Dent We are mourning those who died for the United States to remind ourselves of worthy ideals, virtues, and priorities. May their sacrifice be a constant reminder of things that matter. This includes ALL of the men and women who have died in service to our country including Army Capt. Humayun Khan, 27, who died from a suicide bombing in Baghdad 12 years ago while defending our country.
  2. Lesley, Georgina and any others I might not realize are from the UK--- thoughts and prayers to your fellow countrymen following this horrific attack. May those families gather strength to face their losses and injuries.
  3. Dee, my prayers and thoughts are with you and asking for a full recovery for your husband. Calling on all of our angels to give him and you strength.
  4. Lou ann, you make me jealous with a Stan Mikita card! I live outside of Chicago, across the border in Indiana. ---about 20 miles away. This area just identifies with the Chicagoland area because of the proximity. Chicago news, television, radio even the time zone! Most of Indiana is Eastern time but we are Central time. I learned to like sports because as a kid you had really little choice. One tv in the house and whenever the games weren't blocked out you watched Bears, Cubs and Hawks.... Dee, glad you are better. I don't want to even say how old I am but older than you and Lou ann.... Love the warmth these last couple of days. A shovel-able, snow blower snow fell at my daughter's house in Laramie today. Susan, thanks for posting that picture. It is things like that that renew hope and faith whatever faith you may have. Tinay, like Lesley says you have to do what you feel is right for your family and especially Kiona.I know there are others here who had to go through the legal system. I did not--even though the coroner held Michael for a month after no findings showed any foul play. It took another 5 months to close the matter. You do what your heart tells you to do.
  5. Kate, really liked the poem. We always had so much music around. LOU ANN, not to jump in your conversation but we are such hockey fans in our house. Love it all especially Stanley cup time. Oh that's right we missed this year as the Predators swept the Blackhawks!!!! GRRH! Sure going to miss Scott Darling next year. My husband used to coach a high school team a long time ago. But I grew up a Blackhawks fan with stan Mikita as my sports hero.
  6. Dee, Devianz- hope you get your health issues resolved. Finding the right doctor these days is very hard. Last Fall my physician ended his practice. I was devastated because I knew him and went to him for 40 years. He was old school for sure but kept current and never hesitated to find someone for things outside of his old time family practice. he was part of a "hospital owned" group and when he retired the hospital made referrals to another of their own. Suffice to say I am still looking for a physician who will treat ME not just how often the insurance is willing to pay. Get better . Kate, hope Ross is doing okay. Laurie, sorry for your hard times. You are a remarkable woman and such a source of strength to all of us. Had another vein treatment--one more to go. It is not too bad of a procedure and I guess I am glad with this laser technology it is way better than the old days of vein stripping. They left the ultrasound so I could watch. I think the worst is the compression stockings I have to wear until the treatment is over. Ugh! My feet and legs get claustrophobic! So somehow I made it through both Mother's Day and Michael's birthday. It was brutal and dark. Mother's day with no kids (Heather is in Wyoming) was bad but only one melt down. The birthday was way harder. I always told my kids that their birthday was their SPECIAL day forever but I also told them it was special for me because of them. This year no friends of his came by and that was actually ok. His good friend who has been there for us actually called and that was nice.Tim and I know that his friends have their lives and they were so good to us after losing him. Michael belongs to me, his dad and sister. We will always honor his special day. This may not be good for others on this journey but like we always acknowledge--everyone is unique.
  7. Delane and Mamatink7, I am so sorry for your losses. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often. You have found a good place to come. Delane, my son was lost 2 months before yours. He was 36 years old but no wife or child. I know how hard hitting that second year was. I told myself that all I had to do was get through the first year. I am not sure what I expected but after that agonizing year I entered the second year with a whole new layer to my grief. Mamatink7, you are so new to this and your raw grief makes even breathing hard.You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. It is a rough and rocky road ahead. We have a very active thread under Loss of a Child-Loss of an Adult Child. It is frequented by many parents like us in all stages and timelines. I found this forum about a week or so after I lost my son and have stayed with it. It has really been a lifeline for me.We have several parents that one of our members call "spirit guides" that have been involved for many, many years and are so compassionate, supportive, helpful. Please come join us there and tell us whatever you are ready to, reach out or just get whatever you might need to out of your system for awhile. The current posts are found on the last page. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your sons.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD> SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." . Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help.
  8. Kate, I am not sure what religion you are or what you might believe in but there is a monastery close to where I am and they are including your husband in their prayers for tonight and tomorrow. Sherry, thanks for the kind words. This month must be hard for you also. Lisa's birthday, mother's day, Davey's date coming... my prayers to you for the strength you need to get through. You are always so comforting for everyone here, I hope I can telepathically give you and arm around your shoulders. For all of us--- Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night. She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity. ~Jody Seilheimer
  9. Dee, thanks, I needed someone else to remind me of that. His birthday is just a couple of days after Mother's day and I think my darkness is closing in because of these days. Orland is where I am going for varicose vein treatment. I just had my first one this past Monday. The Vein clinic there has a great reputation so I went out there. Its about 45 minutes to an hour away but worth it to go to a doctor with great credentials.I try to share those uplifting things with Tim as he is not one to talk about how he is managing losing our son. But he does sit out in the backyard every time he cuts the grass to have a chat with Michael.
  10. Colleen, your story of what happened to you when Brian crossed just resonated with me. The day Michael crossed, was the day after Thanksgiving. My daughter and her family got to stay on that Friday and left later in the afternoon. They have always gone home on Thanksgiving late afternoon. After they left I was siting alone in my den and began to feel very odd. Unlike yours I was not peaceful I was restless and feeling like I needed to be somewhere. I was up and down, literally shaking and feeling like crying. I thought maybe this was from a full weekend with an 18 month old??? I didn't know. We got the call from the hospital chaplain about two hours later. I think somewhere my "mother's instinct KNEW. Yet never did I relate it while it was happening because we had all just talked to Michael on thanksgiving and he was fine. Tinay, my daughter's middle name is also LEIGH. I wanted it to be special because I knew she would be. Lesley, a very handsome man in Tommy. Thank you for sharing. A wonderful image of a happy, smiling guy. You have a lot of pride and love to hold in your heart. I love when we see the pictures of our angels. That way we have their image when we think of them. Dee, the other day I was leaving the doctor's office in Orland. I know you are probably about an hour away but I saw the most beautiful section of pink sky. It was amazing...and it was just a section cut out of the sky. I told Tim that was probably Eri sending a message to her mom. Without hesitation he just agreed. He has seen signs (first the two in the house with the music and the plant) and then when we drove to Wyoming last month we were talking about Michael and him being with us in Wyoming. Tim told me to look up at the sky ahead and there plain as day was a cross- an orthodox cross.We are all catholic but my father's family was russian orthodox and Michael found an orthodox cross at my uncle's and wore it. Tinay, you will feel Kiona when you least expect it. She is there. Allen, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your broken heart still trembles. There are so many kind people here. You have come to a good place.
  11. Georgina, a beautiful new granddaughter in the family. Know that James is looking down on his girls (mom, sister, nieces) and is full of love and pride. Peter is a new uncle and his light shines through on both of his nieces and little sister. They both are seeing the light of love shine through the darkness of grief. As for your robin--- not to worry--- this is the circle of life. Perhaps he is looking after the the mother of his babies or SHE has some eggs to sit. It is that time of year... and maybe the message is now-time to watch your new little mom and her little chickadee. They need mom and grandmother to feel and embrace their circle of life. Wendy, I am so sorry to hear of your health issues and other issues facing you. Your life raft has been in turbulent waters for so long. I have read once that "Life has a way of testing a person's will: either by having nothing happen at all or everything happens all at once." You have had more than your share. I will leave off the word prayers and tell you that I am channeling my most positive thoughts to you. Lou ann and Darcy- your daughters have surely met up and I will bet if you listen closing one is saying, "Mom I met this beautiful little girl who needed someone to hold her and be with her.".... and another saying, "Mommy, this beautiful angel is here with me and keeps me safe." Imagination--maybe or we just need to be quiet enough to hear. You both found this site close in time to each other even though your losses are farther apart..... some who come here find they were drawn to this particular site or stumbled on it when they were so distraught... I am just saying.....
  12. GEORGINA- soooo glad to see you sign back in. You know we are all here for you. Getting stuck in that moment of time can happen.I am sorry you have not felt well. Look how far we have come on this journey--you and I together. And look at how far our friends and supporters have come. Easy ---NOOOOO! but we are still standing. Somehow, someway we are making our way. I can see James now with Baby Peter in his arms. They are there with a hand up to their mom when she needs it.They put their arms around your husband during his illness and are always right beside you. I believe they have even had moments of cheer for their mom. There is nothing to be ashamed of--never in grief --and certainly not here. James is your shining star and guiding light. He will always hold your hand. And we will always be here for you to wipe a tear or give you a "Way to go".
  13. Hi Darcy12, while I am so sorry for your loss, know that you have found your way to a place where there are parents who "get" what you are facing. Every marker date is like a stake in your heart and that first angelversary takes everything you have. Never, Ever, think you let your little angel down. You love her heart and soul. I am sure that every day you have talked to her and hugged deep within you. This grieving process is hard but your little one is there helping her mommy in ways you cannot see. With your pregnancy, as hard as things are, take care of yourself and the life within. You are not alone.
  14. Susan,- once again glad to hear Essie's take on this. Your grandmother was the best. My grandmother's both had trouble with English. My paternal grandmother spoke mostly Russian and my maternal grandmother spoke Lithuanian. If there were words of wisdom I just never would have understood them. But when I was younger and able to get down on the ground I used to to have flowers all over the yard. ----and I always told my family it was my 'mental health"time. Now I understand why! Tinay- Kiona is such a beautiful girl and I am betting she was as beautiful on the inside. Family's can certainly be an added layer to grief. I don't have much family. I haven't seen my brother in 32 years but I will say when we lost Michael he called me. And that was it. His two sons were kind enough to send me flowers which I thought was nice as I have not seen them in the same amount of time. My husband called his sister when this happened and we have not heard from her since. My daughter never talks to me about her brother. But my granddaughter knows her Uncle Michael even though she was only 18 months when he died. I have kept him in her world by pictures. And once when she was only maybe 22 months and I was watching her, she had gone to bed and got up fussing.I walked her, rocked her and after about 45 minutes she snuggled in my arms and said,"Michael here". and went to sleep. I will say that I early on read a post from someone who lost their brother and she talked about being the "leftover kid". The one thing I have worked really hard at is making sure my daughter understood that was not the way I thought or would ever think. I always say I have two children..... one lives in Wyoming and one lives in heaven. You are so right on target on that one, Lou ann. But then, before I lost my son and knew this grief, I hate to think it but maybe I would have been guilty of that. I don't have much family and my son is the first "up close and personal" grief I have ever experienced. His loss has changed me so much but I hope I am certainly a more compassionate person than I ever thought possible. My heart bleeds and my soul cries. Found this saying that would be so beneficial if friends and family could understand.
  15. Laurie and Kate, thanks for sharing that with us. I am a firm believer. I have certainly told my moments with the music playing in our house 1 year after we lost Michael. I also had that angel "move" in the plant that was given to me for Michael when we lost his dog Killian. I was so glad and fortunate to have my husband witness both signs also. Plus I think early on I related the story of the lady that was like a mother to me---when she died I WATCHED her acknowledge each of her passed family members as they came to help her transition. It was the most incredible experience I have ever witnessed. She knew she was dying. She was in the hospital and when she woke up that morning she asked the nurse if she was in heaven. The nurse told her no. She then in a weakened voice said, " Oh thank God. I knew it had to be better than this." She died with a couple of hours. I had known her all my life and she was so good to me--mostly better than I really had. She always told me I was the daughter she never had--she had only one child--a son. I have seen multiple deaths in my line of work but this was truly a memorable,faith changing, event. Never thought at the time that I would experience the grief of losing my son. She even went to the school for grandparents day when my kids were young.
  16. This is a kind and compassionate group. We are a group sharing after loss thoughts and feelings and even some everyday things that show that it is possible to adjust to our new normals. Hearts are heavy and emotions are high. I have always found kindness here. I know I have used this snippet before but I felt it says a lot to me and my journey.
  17. Becky, the first thing you need to do is remember to breathe. This is a time you can never have imagined. I have copied some of the post to another new member for you. I know the "not knowing" is another added rock to your grief. My son was 36 and in a couple of weeks we would have celebrated his 39th birthday. Please try during this time to take care of yourself. I know that is the last thing on your mind but it is so important right now. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. But the love and tears need to be fed water and rest whenever you can. I know the thought of rest is in the realm of not probable but you need to take care of yourself. This early time can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real. Sharing your pain can help you process it. Your grief is your own and you will grieve in your own way and your own time. Don’t try to fit a mold or compare to someone else. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. It is unique like your beautiful son is unique. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening. But, come join us on Loss of An Adult Child. We are kind, compassion people and you are not alone in this. I have copied some of the post to another new member for you. Kelly, I I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. These last few weeks for you have been so raw and devastating. I too lost my son and the coroner held him for almost a month. We had actually planned his service and we almost didn't have him for it. It was a cruel and mortifying situation and added so much to our grief. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD; SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... We have an very active thread in this forum. It is called Loss of an Adult Child. Please come join the many parents on there. We have many who have lost their child to violence and many who have had to navigate the court system for that child. Active posts are on the last page. I know your head is spinning with the "what ifs' and the "this cannot really have happened." It is a rocky road on this grief journey. Those who understand are those who are walking in these grief shoes like yourself. You need to hold on right now with both hands, but you do not have to do it alone.
  18. Kelly, I I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. These last few weeks for you have been so raw and devastating. I too lost my son and the coroner held him for almost a month. We had actually planned his service and we almost didn't have him for it. It was a cruel and mortifying situation and added so much to our grief. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD; SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... We have an very active thread in this forum. It is called Loss of an Adult Child. Please come join the many parents on there. We have many who have lost their child to violence and many who have had to navigate the court system for that child. Active posts are on the last page. I know your head is spinning with the "what ifs' and the "this cannot really have happened." It is a rocky road on this grief journey. Those who understand are those who are walking in these grief shoes like yourself. You need to hold on right now with both hands, but you do not have to do it alone.
  19. Rainie, forgive me for jumping in but I just wanted to tell you that YES you do have a way of reaching out and offering comfort to others.After losing your two boys you offer consoling words to so many others even though your heart is in a million pieces. Someday, in some way ,I hope that those of us with a disability--all disabilities--- are taken seriously and given ,if not help, at least understanding of those limitations. My disability is from my damaged joints---my ankles look like someone took a hammer to them-- and my hands. I can "function" but it takes effort and gritting through the pain. People with all types of disabilities face barriers of all types, not just physical. Glad that you came on this forum. That picture you and Laurie both posted. .. I have that as my computer background. Some one took it and added "God grant me peace for my heart is so broken." It has been on my computer ever since. Lesley, I know those "out of the blue" kind of days--or weeks--I am facing one and have been since Apr 16th. The date hit me that in one month it would be Michael's birthday and it has stirred a lot up for me. I was in Wyoming and while I LOVE seeing my daughter and granddaughter it is not a good place for me. We'll hang on but need to remember that you cannot erase an emotional memory. We just have to figure how to handle it when those memories surface. We will. That is why we have each other in this group. Tinay, I am sorry for your loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child all to well and in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. Speak of your beautiful daughter, We are all here for you. Dee, beautiful as always--thanks for sharing.
  20. How comforting to sign on this morning and see so many familiar signons---Sherry, Susan, Dee, Kate, Wade..... Wade- thanks for sharing a part of Brooks and his talent. It is always heartening to hear from one of those that have been so helpful to me. I am sure that this profound loss has tilted your world and staying upright is something you are no longer sure of. Know that you and Brooks are thought of frequently. Have patience with yourself and when you feel your courage slipping know that Brooks is nearby to help you up. Some day we will all be able to know that our memories are a direct route to serenity and peace and not just sadness. This is a small act of kindness but hopefully it touches a small part of your pain. MamaDukes, Cher, Devianz, I remember going through my first year. The pain comes so frequently and sometimes without warning. I remember that I kept telling myself that all I had to do was make it through that first year.Not sure why or what I thought but I felt the need to just reach that point. I found there was no magic number...no benchmark for grief.... the sadness, the grief comes when it chooses-----BUT-- while I still have those sad times ---and the gut wrenching times--I can see a small shard of light. I think this is called hope. I know I am a long way off and there will probably be some backslides . I have learned that pain needs to be attended to and while most times love and joy whisper quietly, pain shouts at you for all its worth. Amyanne and Lou ann can confirm this. But there will come a day where a thought of your sons (and daughters) will first bring a smile. I hold onto that.
  21. I have not been able to post lately. I was blaming it on the blues that just turned dark as I head closer to Michael's birthday on 5/16. I am sorry I missed some new people but glad to see the welcoming help I knew they would receive from the KIND, COMPASSIONATE, GENEROUS people here. I can say without a doubt that the people like Kate, Dee, Susan, Sherry, Laurie, Shannon, Georgina, Gretchen, Becky, Wade---were all the best group I have been fortunate to have found to help me as I learn to make my way.There have been others, I know, that have come in and out and I appreciate them as well. Lesley, you have come in and are so helpful and know I am grateful. No one should be subjected to uncalled for harassment and we can all agree that we have enough emotional turmoil in our lives. Lou ann, Amyanne, Silky, Devianz, MamaDukes,Rainie, Cher,we are a good group and are here for you as you travel this path. Sharing our grief is a positive step towards healing. Maryanne, best wishes on new little Graison. Susan, Veto is growing by leaps and bounds and is the picture of health and happiness as an infant should be. Gretchen, the picture of Forest is remarkable. Becky, the signs from J.D. are such a positive experience for you and your family. Laurie, thanks for thinking of me and I hope that things are okay for you. Kate, your husband is a courageous man. Georgina, hope you are well. http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/06/grief-attacked/
  22. To Michael and all the children from this site:
  23. Dee, as always a very moving, from the heart, poem. Thanks for sharing. I called my granddaughter "Sweetpea". Tim calls her "Sugarplum". Laurie, that robin video was touching. I am a believer and a lot of times that is what keeps me going.
  24. Mary Ellen, while people can tell you all the statistics about drugs, overdose and this plague affecting so many people, young and old it is not what you need to hear. Christopher is your son and not a statistic. Finding out his cause of death was brutal for you, I am sure,but the circumstances do not change your love for him. We have so many stories here, tragic stories of loss and each and every one of those children is an important and treasured loss. Christopher is included in that. He never felt any pain or distress. Nobody aspires to be an addict. Those that do become one struggle with guilt, shame, pain and their own demons that come from the drugs. Don't let that cause of death cloud your love for Christopher. I will be honest in that the first holidays are pretty rough. I honestly do not remember the first Mother's Day but I am sure it was passed in tears. My son died the day after Thanksgiving so I know that is a holiday I cannot face again. I pretty much feel the darkness come in November and it lasts until after Jan 1. His memorial service was Dec27. His was a coroner's case and they would not release his body until Dec 23. As for Mother's Day just remember that you ARE a mother. You decide what you need. I know that whenever anyone asks if I have children my answer is "yes, I have two. One lives in Wyoming and one lives in heaven." No one will ever take that from me. I am Michael's mother. We have a tree dedicated to Michael in a local park and we go there for some quiet time. This is my 3rd round of holidays starting and I don't have a handle on it yet. But somehow, some way I will figure it out. For now, get through with what you can. We are here for you.
  25. Mika, losing your beautiful son is the hardest thing you can experience and adding the difficulty of a trial and all has had to been unbelievable. You are a few months later than me on this frightful journey of grief. Somehow, someway you have come this far. I find sleep to be elusive most of the time. Maybe 4 hours a night if I am lucky.... I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (and sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. Somehow I cope and you are also--taking care of your children during this has been difficult for you I am sure but you are keeping your family afloat. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. But while your grief will become a part of you you will find that somehow you will adjust to this new normal in your life. But don't beat yourself up about it not happening in a moment. You loved your son not only for his 19 years with you but for all of the future you saw in your "mother's eyes". Time is what will help. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. Lesley and Lou ann are right. Please come join us on Loss Of An Adult Child. It is the most active thread and there are so many parents that post regularly and have truly been a lifeline for me. I have a long way to go but after interacting with this forum I now find the word hope is not as foreign as it was. It takes a lot of time to heal. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to and does not come with an expiration date. Small steps will move you forward on this journey. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening. You do not have be be alone. We are here for you.