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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sarah, Peggy, Virginia, Margarett, Samantha,Lou I read somewhere that tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and show that you are prepared to work through your grief. I cannot say I was prepared or strong but the tears flowed and often still do. I think the first layer of shock gets peeled away somewhere around month 3 or 4. That is about the time you will see that a lot of people, co-workers even relatives will try to avoid talking about your loss. That may also coincide with the need to start handling any business items (bank, insurance, etc.) you have to deal with. That is a real punch in the gut when you have to start using the words....my son/daughter passed away. Grief has a life of its own....you never know when it will choose to rear its ugly head. I've come to accept that, even now, there will be times that I have a bad day. For no reason, for any reason, for the most important reason that I have lost my child, and I know it will happen, I just don't always know when. Though not a one for one relationship there are also moments of light. At first I was afraid to recognize that. It took a while for those to come and for me to be willing to accept them. Sure, I still have problems sleeping, the list of "what ifs", the forever sadness that sits in my heart. But, sometimes I try really hard to embrace those moments of light and put the days, weeks and months of pain and despair in what I call my "little black bag". This is where I keep all of the terrible things that have happened to me through my life. My son is NOT in that bag, he is in my heart, with me every day. Leah, glad you are on the mend and find the moments to celebrate JaBoa's birthday and the time you had her. Colleen, Sandy good to see you.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, very good post and glad to see you this morning also.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, glad I could find the song for you. No problem. I too was in my teens when that came out. I had the long straight hair and thick bangs. I still keep a peace sign on display in my house. Michael's urn has a peace sign on the cover as my son and I saw a lot of things the same. My husband still calls me his "clean" hippy flower child ( even though I am old, old, old) as I never did drugs. Back a long time ago he used to sing this song to me "The rain, the park and other things." Considering he was always a hard rock kind of guy, he really stepped out of his element. So thank you for sending me on this trip down memory lane. I will admit do doing some purging here in my house. I still have more to go for sure. I think you just reach that point where you know you have to start looking at your "stuff". (I keep hoping to move to get to where my daughter and I can live closer---just out of Laramie) We set up a trust for my daughter and granddaughter. Since she is my only surviving child I did want to make things easier for her but my time will come when my time comes. I remember thinking when my grief was so new that I didn't care if I lived or died but as the reality came into perspective, I know I have a daughter and a granddaughter and I want to see Piper grow as much as I can. I also pay the bills but I have been having my husband do them periodically so he at least knows what to do. I think that like a young woman gets that "nesting" feeling you also get that organize and prepare for those "other things" that can happen as you get older. Enough of my rainy perspective.........peace and comfort to all.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy, I also remember not being able to go anywhere after my loss. I could not go to a restaurant for 6-9 months as I just heard the talking and laughing and usual noises caused so much anxiousness that a panic attack was not far behind. It got better but it took time. I still am not all that comfortable even now but I can do it. I worked from home as a consultant so I did not have physical face to face with my co-workers. With that, work became a good thing for me. Any breakdowns were private. My husband did better than me. In the spring a couple of his friends started calling to golf once a week. One of the guys had lost two of his children several years before and I think he was pretty good at knowing how my husband felt. Now, I haven't worked for about a year so I guess I retired..... and now and then I wished I had something to do! I cannot believe it but I am actually considering some volunteer spots. If someone had told me (and they did) that I would one day be able to face and function with my grief I would never have believed it. I haven't "left" my son behind, he is with me every day and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I will always be a grieving mother, you will always be a grieving mother but our sons spirits and our spirits find a way to make our way. "Grief changes shape, but it never ends." "As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Wow this is out of control...think everyone needs to take a breath and lets remember we are here to help each other. Tina, you should not leave a site that has helped you through these 11 months, with a hard time coming up on your first year. These are things I said and the next is the first thing. I don't want to see this be a problem especially at this time. I miss the anger part but sometimes it is hard when you are inside.I just wanted to be done with this gun conversation and did not expect all of this. You are a part of this forum, Tina and it would be important for you to remain.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Wait now. I said I was done------meaning no gun talk for me. The link Tina sent (which I just clicked on as I have no Facebook either) was someone speaking about not controlling guns and every one has the right to defend themselves. He uses an example of a panther chasing an antelope and should we remove the antelopes horns and take away their defense. Whatever is whatever. I did not complete the speech. Tina you have a right to speak as you choose...that is the same as others have the right to speak in a different direction. This is a who came first the chicken or the egg story...crimes...defense...guns...assault rifles. ????? Tina I thought your snippets were very much on target. Our society has turned a very horrible corner and something somewhere has to stop. When an 18 year old cannot vote or supposedly drink alcohol in many states yet can buy an assault weapon I want someone in charge of our country to work this out so my granddaughter will never be traumatized like this...or any of our children or grandchildren. I have been involved in the treatment of many children who "found daddy's gun" with a horrible outcome. I was grabbed in a parking lot with a gun in my back. My heart, my soul belong to me just as anyone else can say what belongs to them. I just know when the right time (at least I thought) is to leave a conversation. I did see an interesting comment on all of this. Based on the old comment with a twist---Guns don't kill people---people with guns kill people.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Well... I'm done.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Margarett, while I know you felt overwhelmed at the hairdresser I was touched to see how people rallied around you. I think you needed that to release some of the solitary emotion. Dee, I thought of you this morning as I was doing my morning walk (I walk in house because of the fear of uneven sidewalks) and had on my CNN fix. Of course, there as so much about the Florida loss. But, they were speaking to a woman who was I believe the President of the Teachers Association and the reporter asked her if she felt teachers were being trained well enough to handle the situations.... I gave her so much credit. She looked at him and said....how can you be trained to hand the instant carnage caused by an AR15. So many teachers who devote their lives to the education of our young, who have had to learn to also handle the pressures these times place on kids, the lack of so many parents to instill values leaving it up to the schools or maybe just glad their "kid" is out of their hair for the day.....and now those teachers need combat training to keep their students safe. My word, it just hits home in a way you never think it could. I just spent 3 days with my daughter and granddaughter. Piper will be 5 this summer and while she is in preschool now she heads off for kindergarten next years and all I could think of was if it is this scary now what will it be for her. I remember when I was in school (well this sure will date me), I was in a Catholic school and these were the days of not only fear of God but fear of "Russia". I can remember we had "bomb" drills to dive under your desk and put your hands on your head. Like that would help, right. I remember a Jimmy Buffett song that addressed just that. The next line was more realistic.... "and kiss your *** goodbye". But these days kids are subjected to this more definitive trauma on a real time basis. And where does the damage stop. Lesley, I agree with Dee above. You would be a great leader for a group like that. Your professional medical training would help but it is your human empathy and touch that could help so many. Tina, sadly those are such an accurate depiction of the sign of our times. What does it take to wake the people up? How many more lives and innocence are lost?
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Heavy heart for our new parents. The pure sadness coming through... the every minute pain...things will eventually adjust for you. Yes, the sadness and pain become a part of you but your heart will find its way. I have only been three years with this and have certainly several steps back but there are steps forward. Somehow, some way your heart weaves this pain in. The loss of a child is the ultimate tragedy. Nothing can be more devastating and the toll on the parent is life altering. I for one never could imagine that there is anything harder in the lifetime than seeing your child leave this world before their time. You have lost a part of yourself. You have lost a part of yourself and you are shattered. I know I have not told you anything you haven't felt deep within your souls. But, you WILL survive this. You will be changed and a piece of you will be forever grieving. But you will SURVIVE. I wish I could say my experience was that in a month or so you will be as before. You will not be as before. And there is no timeline. There is no expiration date. You will grieve as you need to, in that unique way that is as unique as your love, as your child. There will be triggers that intensify your grief, much like life affirming events,..birthdays, anniversaries, their friends growing and marrying or whatever, some of you have already seen, as in THIS IS TUESDAY...OR SUNDAY...OR FRIDAY. But for now, take it as we all have been told, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. As impossible as it seems you will learn to smile...okay maybe only once in a while. Small steps, and accepting small moments are not disrespectful to your loss. They are moments of your child reaching out and giving you survival tools. My heart also goes out to all the losses in Florida. How many more lives have to be lost before the call to action is heard? Virginia, Kyle is the sweetest little boy. Such a big and happy smile. It is difficult to find some emotional strength from within at this time. Children grieve too. Being a parent is so hard.....being a grieving parent is off the charts. You will somewhere find the strength.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Adamsdad, by now you can tell you came to the right place and I am sorry that you suffered a loss so unimaginable. There are so many compassionate people here who get how this pain crushes you. This is a group who will listen and be always ready to stand by your side, hold your hand or whatever your heart needs as you join the sad journey of grief. . It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real. We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. At some point the shock wears off even just a little and it does start to feel real which often increases the pain for some and then there are whole moments and days when the pain is almost unbearable. There are people here who have walked in your shoes, are here to cry with you, scream with you, get angry with you, love, support and pray with you regardless of your circumstances and what and how you're going through this nightmare. Family and friends can be a big support but unless they too have lost a child, they don’t truly understand what you are facing. It is so important to try to take care of yourself even though it may be the last thing on your mind. Give yourself time and space to grieve. We learn to carry our grief inside of us. And the grief DOES evolve. But right now think only of getting through a day or an hour or if necessary, a minute. You don't have to go through this alone.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy, hang on. Do some visualizations of a good thing, Those moments come out of no where. Sarah, it does get different and you learn to adjust. If better is your target word than think better. Rebekah is gorgeous and what a smile. Here I am giving you advice and trust me, just a few of years ago I was on that fragile cliff and not seeing how anything would get better. The new raw grief just turns you upside down and inside out. Margarett, thanks for sharing some of your precious memories of Jason with us. You know he was sitting right there with you when you typed out your post smiling at your reminiscing about all the things you hold dear.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy, you are doing okay and what you need to do. It is okay to want to be by yourself because your head and your heart are trying to process everything and that takes a while. Focus on you first. Not sure where you are from....don't know if the weather is conducive.... but I know I spent a lot of time, or at least as much as I could outside. I became a real sky watcher when I spoke to my son. It helped me with that connection. Hold on, Peggy. It is a tough time for sure. Luanne, my goodness you have come so far and I know that Kira is so happy to see her mom moving towards some peace. By the way, I need a new hockey team....I think the Blackhawk season might as well be over. Dee, we have had 20" of snow since Thursday night through this morning....and it looks like the town snowplow slept in today. My daughter and granddaughter are coming for a quick visit for a couple of days. Hoping Midway doesn't get any more snow! I don't think we have had this much snow since 2010 or 2011 (cannot remember the year). My team and I had to spend the night in the hospital that we were bringing live on their EMR. We could not get out and management didn't want anyone to leave because they probably couldn't make it back. We slept on cots in whatever alcoves we could find. Felt sorry for the nursing staff as many of them had been on duty for 24 hours +. Sleep is a difficult commodity in grief. My suggestion is to take it when you can because there are so many nights that the mind is not willing to let you rest.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    NiquesMom, she certainly was there for you not only telling you guys she loves you but showing you her approval that you deserve happiness. I am such a believer in signs and have been fortunate enough to have a few. Susan, glad to hear your health is going in the right direction. Continuing prayers for your recovery.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mothership, Ian was walking through Central Park right along with you. Signs like that keep our hearts beating and a glimmer of light somewhere out there for us.
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou, so much of what you said brings me back to places I was when I lost Michael. Why couldn't I protect him, why wasn't it me? I looked at my husband and those same thoughts were going through his mind. Our relationship changed, not that it is bad but we used to be so in touch, finish each other's thought kind of couple. Total opposites that attract. Now a lot of times we are two negatively charged atoms that cannot come together. Don't get me wrong, we are there for each other and this marriage has withstood a lot in 45 years BUT NEVER THE DEATH OF A CHILD. Only two people in the world knew what it was like to love Michael as a son.... that was us. his sister was the only one that knew what it was like to love him as a brother. But grief is an ugly, ugly intruder especially in the beginning. I, too, worked right from the beginning of my loss and like you I worked from home. I had conference and projects and a lot of responsibility. Yet, no one was around to see how many times I cried...from tears flowing to wails.... If I had not made that change in positions I am not sure I could have gone back to a hospital setting and working on the floor with patients. A year after our loss, my daughter and her family moved across the country taking our little granddaughter...the only grandchild we would ever have. My husband retired and now I find myself without future contracts so I guess I am retired also. Point is somehow, someway we have survived. We will never "get over" our loss. This loss is a forever sadness we will carry with us. Yes, our son and daughter should have mourned us...that is the way it is supposed to be. Someway this loss becomes incorporated into you. You never accept it, you never get over it but you learn your new normal, one you would have found unimaginable only a short time ago. Sometimes a parent doesn't even have the other parent's love and support and grieve alone. Don't let anger tear apart the only two people who share the loss of Billy.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    Margarett, I hope you get plenty of answers to your questions about siblings. For me---my daughter was the oldest of my two and Michael was 36 when he died. My daughter was a new mother to a 17 month old. She is extremely quiet about her loss. I do know that early on, after the fog gave me open moments, I read an article about siblings being the forgotten mourner, the "left over" kid. I tried to always keep that in mind so my daughter never felt (I hope) that she was what we had LEFT. Eight months after the loss of my son, my daughter moved to Wyoming because of her husband's job. I know how hard that was for her. We had promised her we would move where she did but at 8600ft elevation, my husband could not breathe there and I had difficult with walking (already had compromised joints) . I saw how hard it was to have lost the one person that shared her childhood and then have to leave us behind. I think it is hard where so much attention is initially given to the parents and don't ask, "How are you doing?" vs "How are your parents or How is your mom?" Sometimes she gets angry when I am sad. I personally think her anger comes out at me because she still has not faced everything because of the uprooting move and new child. Not that she lived at home. She went away to college and never came back home but lived a couple of hours away. But now she is 1100 miles away. I know there are parents here with younger siblings so that may be a different story. I know I try hard to make her feel that her place is solid within the family and she is a part of everything we do. I have tried many times to get her to talk about how she feels but this doesn't usually get too far.
  18. Loss of an Adult Child

    For all our new parents who have come to our group after facing the hardest of all tragedies, I am sure this feels like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from and pain and sorrow surround your heart like a vise. The best thing we have to offer is a shoulder to cry on, comfort to weather this and understanding that no matter how you feel right now we will listen. Weathering this horrific storm is a lifetime but it is a storm that someday you will have adapted to as difficult as that sounds. Your lives will always be a then and now. We will be on this journey with you as we make our way through this frightening path of grief we have been set upon. Each loss is unique and everyone tries to make their way. Just know that you do not have to be alone while you do it. Nique, Rebekah, Anthony, Jason, Ian, (Peggy and Lou I am sorry I did not see your childrens' names) will be meeting our children.
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    Not sure if this is meaningful or not but with several new people I thought I would share..... When I first lost my son I too felt like I CANNOT do this...I cannot live when he did not. The pain was unbearable and the crying seemed to never let up. The coroner kept him for weeks and we didn't get a death certificate for 6 months. We were 1600 miles apart and unknown to me while he was being worked on to save his life I was a home in physical distress, thinking I was having a heart attack. Without knowing what was going on I was trying to stop what was happening on my end. I got that dreaded call from the hospital chaplin. It was the day after Thanksgiving that year.Like I am sure you can relate to, I did not know if I was coming or going. I cannot say that I remember all of that first year because it seemed like it lasted 50 years. But somehow it is now 3 years and almost 3 months and I am still alive, still breathing and I will admit that crying still comes daily----even if it is just a few moments. I miss him with every ounce of my being. Sleep is still elusive more often than not. Nightmares about him seem to be this season's malady. If someone had told me---which I am sure they did-- that I could survive this long after the most devastating loss I would never have believed them. But I did. Somehow...life is different for sure. I think the first year I switched from devastation to believing it was not real and he was going to come through the door or call with the most wild story. But, of course, he didn't. I will miss him and grieve for him all the rest of my days but every now and again I feel some light. I just wanted to share that as my experience with my loss. For our new parents. Grief work is hard and lonely but don't give up on yourself. I keep my Michael in my heart and I know you all do the same with your beautiful angel.
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, you are a remarkable woman,mother, contributor and someone I think of as a new friend. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with all of us here. I know in the beginning (of my NOW life) I could not understand how someone could talk about flowers or weather or any everyday thing. What I didn't know was how much my subconscious was absorbing that in fact, in the early throes of my new grief it was possible to adapt to life after this horrific loss. Our mentors who welcomed us here when we were so dark, so sad, so crushed, with compassion and understanding but in some other discussions showed that whether we want to or not life can go on. To me this forum was a place I could not only cry my sadness but eventually I learned to see the importance of family and while life would never be the same, it does go on. We learn how to navigate this path and you are a good contributor and valued member.
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, that anniversary date so so difficult. I remember feeling that while the build up to that marker was crushing, I hit a year so it will be better. Sorry to say it was not---at all. That date will always burn in your heart as your love for Kiona filled your heart. My best thing to say as while you agonize through this, remember that you have found someway to face the next day. I know as you see that calendar your heart wants to explode. I hit the 3rd year in Nov and I was a total mess. But somehow, someway you get to the other side and while your grief is a constant companion you find a little footing. I think Dee is right... do something with Grayson to mark this with him. The two of you acknowledging each other's loss as well as your own...together. We are all surrounding you with as much comfort and strength we can send. Samantha, keeping Anthony close to his boys will happen certainly since you know the loss of your dad. You will find your footing. My son did not have children but we had a 17 month old granddaughter from my daughter who was the apple of her uncle's eye. She is now 4 1/2 and we talk about him whenever we can. She loves to blow bubbles outside so I always tell her that we are blowing those bubbles up to Uncle Michael and the angels in heaven. But, right now just manage a day at a time. Your heart is in a million pieces right now. Grief doesn't come with instructions....but it is good to just take it one day or hour at a time. Each day is a struggle and to take it farther out is overwhelming. I read this article on a site called WhatsYourGrief. When you feel up to it check it out. https://whatsyourgrief.com/one-day-at-a-time-more-than-just-a-grief-cliche/
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    Margarett, you got to the right place! We have sadly had several new parents on various threads of this forum. Lesley and Luanne have been so helpful and try to steer them to this group where we know they will find compassion and support. I know you all have been a lifeline for me. Dee, that Hamilton son was unbelievably touching to my soul.

    Samantha, I am so sorry for you and your family on the loss of your son Anthony. There is nothing else in this world that is harder than the loss of a child. Every part of your being is shaken and your world crumbles with you. You are only 3 weeks out from this life altering tragedy. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. It is a rough and rocky road ahead. The early days, weeks and eventually months of grieving a child is like no other and can be equated to a thought you deem too unbearable to think. It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. At some point the shock wears off even just a little and it does start to feel real and sometimes even more difficult and then there are whole moments and days when the pain is almost unbearably real. But you will survive, your life is forever altered but you will survive. That sounds impossible now but don't think about the future think about the next minute, the next hour. That is all you can handle right now. The most active thread in this forum is Loss of an Adult Child. Please come and join us there. You will find it under the Loss of a Child. Click on Loss of an Adult Child and click to the last page which is currently around 2485. At the end of that page you can place a post and it will be seen by the active members. (Michael's Mom, I hope you will also find your way there). We have people who have lost their child/children at various ages and a few of them lost teenagers, some babies and some in adulthood. It is an active thread. I am just over 3 years on this journey and this group has been a lifeline for me. I still cry everyday and not a moment passes that I don't think of my son but sometimes I feel a small moment of comfort. I have a long way to go but after interacting with this forum I now find the word hope is not as foreign as it was. It takes a lot of time to heal. Samantha, you are not alone. There are kind, compassionate people on this thread who have walked in your shoes and still are. Peace and comfort to you and your family. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. It doesn't have a timeline.
  24. This is not going to work

    Margarett, hang on ---you will survive this. Collecting Jason's ashes and death certificates are never going to be an easy thing to do. But you will. There are going to be days that seem like you will never be able to go on. But you will. Your mind, your strength, your heart are in a state of flux because this is the most unimaginable thing and you cannot prepare for it. That is good that Jeremy is close by. You will need him, and he will need you. Feeling faint, understandable but not good. Make sure you drink liquids and find someway to get in some protein---even if a granola bar. You can only run on empty for so long and even though I am sure you really cannot think of it, you have to take care right now. Find a spot--in your house--maybe a favorite chair-?---outside ----where you can designate your calming place. I know that sounds weird but it will help. When you are stressed make your way there and take some slow breaths....think about Jason and your love...maybe a childhood memory. I use a picture of my son when he was little sitting on a swing. I picture that swing going slowly back and forth until I feel my heart go back into my body---because you know it is beating so fast. The swing slows it for me. The pain will be there but you learn to manage it better. This is a brutal time. I can tell you it slowly evolves but right now that seems impossible. Believe me I felt that way and sometimes still do. Grief, lack of sleep, you are physically drained right now. Come on the Loss of an Adult Child. We have others there that have wisdom and compassion that I know you will find helpful. I gave you instructions on your other topic. When you get there do not start a new topic just go to the last page and post. Pour your heart out, scream if you need to. Your grief is unique as your love for your son. Consider this a hug and an arm around your shoulders.
  25. Will everything ever be the same?

    Margarett, the loss of your beautiful son...there is nothing harder than losing a child and this emotion and grief are so raw right now. I remember that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. . The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD> SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." I am 3 years and two months into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. But even though it is last on your mind, remember that you need to take in fluids and try your best to eat a little something. Grief takes so much out of you. Reading the autopsy is something I can understand but give yourself some time to do so. As Luanne and Lesley have pointed out to you the Loss of an Adult Child is where we are all most active and Lesley asked if we could help direct you. I took a screen shot of the forum where you can find us. If you go to Loss of a Child then Loss of an Adult Child and click to the last page---which in this shot shows 2286 you will be taken to the most recent posts. As I just looked it is 2484 but you get the idea.... You can also from Loss of a Child- you can see if on the right hand side Loss of An Adult child is last posted as seen below and double click on the time listed. (or in the screenshot it says Just now. I hope this helps you find your way. This is a group of supportive, compassionate people. When you are ready tell us about Jason, or not if that is more comfortable. We all unfortunately walk in the same shoes.