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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. Colleen, such a difficult day to handle. My thoughts and heart reach out to you. When I first came on this site, you were so kind and compassionate. BRIAN is that bright star looking down on you this evening. When you are very still you will hear him whisper.
  2. Kira- special thoughts on this day for your family as they remember. Sit besides your mom and touch her gently on the cheek so she feels your presence. Send a special butterfly by her window.
  3. I know this day is bittersweet for all the father's out there.
  4. DAVID, A special and sad day for your family. Put your arms round them and hold them close. Fill them with your heavenly presence today and send a cool breeze across their faces. Let your mom know you are with her today and always.
  5. Last night was one of those nights with minimal sleep---so I was up missing my son and reading things that make me cry But I came across some interesting things..... We shouldn’t pathologize grief; we should let it be whatever it is. I look around at friends who’ve had losses, and I see how long, and how powerfully, many continue to feel grief years later. It doesn’t mean that they’re paralyzed and not going on with their lives. But it does mean that grief can be a continuing presence. Grief is unpredictable, widely variable, inconsistent. It’s weird because it’s supposed to be weird. We don’t cry when we think we ought to. We keep crying when we think we should be done. We watch the Red Sox game the night after the funeral. We don’t change the sheets for a month. We tell the junk man to take everything. We save an old voice mail for years. We get over it when we accept that we’ll never quite get over it. It takes as long as it takes. Joanne Wickersham Through my unwanted knowledge of the process of grief, I’ve learned you’ll have moments where you feel 100 percent fine. You’ll go about your day feeling a semblance of what normal used to be, and it’ll feel good. You will have moments where you find yourself entertaining the fact that none of this is real. You will have moments where you wish you could have been the one to go instead of that person, so you don’t have to feel the pain of the loss any longer. You will have moments where you search for some hidden meaning of why this had to happen.... If I have learned one thing throughout this entire year, it is that time does not heal all wounds. My wound is still covered by the Band-Aid that’s holding it all together, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. If you don’t let yourself rip off that Band-Aid from time to time to let yourself see the wound or feel the pain, it will just come back to haunt you even heavier later on....It’s important to know that grief doesn’t give you a timeline. I was afraid that each milestone would make me feel further and further away from my best friend, but thankfully, it has been the opposite.... Sometimes I feel so incredibly sad wishing you could be here, living the amazing life you lead. I’ll wallow in my pity and waste my days away. But, it’s on those days I need to remember to do right by you. Georgina Casazza Just some things that said a lot to me.
  6. Lou ann, I knew you could do it! What a proud day for your whole family and I know that you all felt Kira there with you. Thanks for posting the pictures and sharing with us. I know how tough Kira's angelversary will be but you will come out the other side. You are a strong, loving mother who carries a broken heart but somehow keeps going. Sandy, Susan said that well about giving comfort and understanding. That is exactly what you are doing for them. You give them that safe zone where they know they can turn and will continue to do as they grow into young women. Prayers of comfort and strength to you. Margo, knowing you are facing some challenges ahead and positive thoughts and strength sent your way.
  7. Georgina, glad to see that Charlotte is improving and know that the most positive thoughts and powerful prayers are being sent for her and your family. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Tinay, that post you shared was a pretty good collections of all of the thoughts on losing a child. Somehow we all have a unique loss but the basic structure is summed up well. Thanks for sharing. Lou ann, thinking of you as tomorrow comes. You have so much to be proud of for Ethan .
  8. Lou ann, I can see that you are a good mother and that your struggles have taken so much from you inside. But you are working on adjusting to this new normal in a way that helps you and your family. Like all of us here can attest to there are so many ups and downs. A grieving mother has a sorrow, a sadness that is so deep it becomes a part of us. We never stop hurting, maybe it becomes a different hurt than what we feel at the very beginning when the pain ripped every part of our being but it is there. We feel it constantly. Others can't see it but it is there for us, sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes sitting on our hearts. But it is always there, a part of us, changing us in many ways---but never changing the love we have for our child. And if we have other children we find the way to be there and help them through life, supporting them, honoring them and loving them as they too deserve. One of the things that helped me so much was being able to share in a place like this. The people here get it, they live it everyday also.
  9. Lou ann, you will be strong for Evan as your "mama"s" pride takes over. He has accomplished a major goal in his life.I know his graduation will be intertwined with Kira's loss and inside your heart, while full of pride for your son, will have its share of quivers. You know how hard Evan worked to achieve his goal. Kira will be there for him full of sibling pride. I know as the date draws close for you on your loss the darkness will come and the heart will grow heavy. But you are a mom, a good mom, who will make her son feel her pride.Your strength was proven when you were able to live one day past that fateful June 19th. The love for your children shows through and I know you can do it.
  10. Once again sadly to all of our UK friends-there does not seem to be an appropriate way to say that my heart goes out to all of you and your country. So much hatred and violence and the total turmoil that is reaching into so many lives. God be with all that are affected by this attack. Margo, as you continue to be faced with so much in your personal life and health I wish you the strength and courage to face what you have ahead and that somehow, some way these challenging and overwhelming issues can be settled in a way to give you some moment of peace.
  11. Georgina, many prayers being sent to your daughter and for you. Never hesitate to ask as we will all rally around for you. God bless her for a good outcome and blessing to all of you for the strength you need to draw on.
  12. Lou ann, let's go Penguins at our house! The Predators embarrassed the Blackhawks in the first round with a sweep. Colleen, that stitching is great. What a novel idea! Such a personal touch.
  13. Susan-great song...lots of words so on target. Lou ann- your analogy about this loss,this grief, being a minefield. That is such an accurate description---and like all minefields even when you think they are cleared---BAM- it gets you.
  14. Tinay, my husband had one made out of our son's t-shirts--some going back to high school. When he gave it to me of course there were a lot of tears but then we started looking at the squares-front and back-- and had a memory with it. It sits on a bed in Michael's childhood room. Sometimes I look at it and it makes me cry but sometimes I just go in there and touch it and it brings comfort and closeness. It was a good thing. A couple of his friends have seen it and they had stories that the shirts brought forth for them. Also the woman who made the quilt uses the usable pieces that are left to make little teddy bears for the Children's Hospital here in Chicago. It kind of makes me feel like a part of Michael might be giving comfort to a small child somewhere. These pictures are one side of the quilt.
  15. Lou ann, although I am not as far along on this path I can understand coming across something and have it shatter you. I am glad that you are able to "put your feet on the floor". Kira is loved and missed by her friends and their testaments to her a a priceless memory. They treasured their interactions and relationship with her and that is a jewel to keep in your heart. Maybe you never read anymore but their thoughts and feelings are in that book and and until you are ready or even if you are never ready their thoughts are in your heart and that is all you need to know for now. One of the things about this group is that they are so compassionate and offer such support when one is crumbled with grief. I think we will always have moments where we crumble into a heap but somehow we get back up and continue on with our child in our heart and the strength of the love we will always have for them. Dee, so glad to see that your husband is home and on the mend. Came across this quote today: “Freedom does not come without a price. We may sometimes take for granted the many liberties we enjoy in America, but they have all been earned through the ultimate sacrifice paid by so many of the members of our armed forces.” - Charlie Dent We are mourning those who died for the United States to remind ourselves of worthy ideals, virtues, and priorities. May their sacrifice be a constant reminder of things that matter. This includes ALL of the men and women who have died in service to our country including Army Capt. Humayun Khan, 27, who died from a suicide bombing in Baghdad 12 years ago while defending our country.
  16. Lesley, Georgina and any others I might not realize are from the UK--- thoughts and prayers to your fellow countrymen following this horrific attack. May those families gather strength to face their losses and injuries.
  17. Dee, my prayers and thoughts are with you and asking for a full recovery for your husband. Calling on all of our angels to give him and you strength.
  18. Lou ann, you make me jealous with a Stan Mikita card! I live outside of Chicago, across the border in Indiana. ---about 20 miles away. This area just identifies with the Chicagoland area because of the proximity. Chicago news, television, radio even the time zone! Most of Indiana is Eastern time but we are Central time. I learned to like sports because as a kid you had really little choice. One tv in the house and whenever the games weren't blocked out you watched Bears, Cubs and Hawks.... Dee, glad you are better. I don't want to even say how old I am but older than you and Lou ann.... Love the warmth these last couple of days. A shovel-able, snow blower snow fell at my daughter's house in Laramie today. Susan, thanks for posting that picture. It is things like that that renew hope and faith whatever faith you may have. Tinay, like Lesley says you have to do what you feel is right for your family and especially Kiona.I know there are others here who had to go through the legal system. I did not--even though the coroner held Michael for a month after no findings showed any foul play. It took another 5 months to close the matter. You do what your heart tells you to do.
  19. Kate, really liked the poem. We always had so much music around. LOU ANN, not to jump in your conversation but we are such hockey fans in our house. Love it all especially Stanley cup time. Oh that's right we missed this year as the Predators swept the Blackhawks!!!! GRRH! Sure going to miss Scott Darling next year. My husband used to coach a high school team a long time ago. But I grew up a Blackhawks fan with stan Mikita as my sports hero.
  20. Dee, Devianz- hope you get your health issues resolved. Finding the right doctor these days is very hard. Last Fall my physician ended his practice. I was devastated because I knew him and went to him for 40 years. He was old school for sure but kept current and never hesitated to find someone for things outside of his old time family practice. he was part of a "hospital owned" group and when he retired the hospital made referrals to another of their own. Suffice to say I am still looking for a physician who will treat ME not just how often the insurance is willing to pay. Get better . Kate, hope Ross is doing okay. Laurie, sorry for your hard times. You are a remarkable woman and such a source of strength to all of us. Had another vein treatment--one more to go. It is not too bad of a procedure and I guess I am glad with this laser technology it is way better than the old days of vein stripping. They left the ultrasound so I could watch. I think the worst is the compression stockings I have to wear until the treatment is over. Ugh! My feet and legs get claustrophobic! So somehow I made it through both Mother's Day and Michael's birthday. It was brutal and dark. Mother's day with no kids (Heather is in Wyoming) was bad but only one melt down. The birthday was way harder. I always told my kids that their birthday was their SPECIAL day forever but I also told them it was special for me because of them. This year no friends of his came by and that was actually ok. His good friend who has been there for us actually called and that was nice.Tim and I know that his friends have their lives and they were so good to us after losing him. Michael belongs to me, his dad and sister. We will always honor his special day. This may not be good for others on this journey but like we always acknowledge--everyone is unique.
  21. Delane and Mamatink7, I am so sorry for your losses. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often. You have found a good place to come. Delane, my son was lost 2 months before yours. He was 36 years old but no wife or child. I know how hard hitting that second year was. I told myself that all I had to do was get through the first year. I am not sure what I expected but after that agonizing year I entered the second year with a whole new layer to my grief. Mamatink7, you are so new to this and your raw grief makes even breathing hard.You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute. It is a rough and rocky road ahead. We have a very active thread under Loss of a Child-Loss of an Adult Child. It is frequented by many parents like us in all stages and timelines. I found this forum about a week or so after I lost my son and have stayed with it. It has really been a lifeline for me.We have several parents that one of our members call "spirit guides" that have been involved for many, many years and are so compassionate, supportive, helpful. Please come join us there and tell us whatever you are ready to, reach out or just get whatever you might need to out of your system for awhile. The current posts are found on the last page. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your sons.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD> SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." . Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help.
  22. Kate, I am not sure what religion you are or what you might believe in but there is a monastery close to where I am and they are including your husband in their prayers for tonight and tomorrow. Sherry, thanks for the kind words. This month must be hard for you also. Lisa's birthday, mother's day, Davey's date coming... my prayers to you for the strength you need to get through. You are always so comforting for everyone here, I hope I can telepathically give you and arm around your shoulders. For all of us--- Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night. She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity. ~Jody Seilheimer
  23. Dee, thanks, I needed someone else to remind me of that. His birthday is just a couple of days after Mother's day and I think my darkness is closing in because of these days. Orland is where I am going for varicose vein treatment. I just had my first one this past Monday. The Vein clinic there has a great reputation so I went out there. Its about 45 minutes to an hour away but worth it to go to a doctor with great credentials.I try to share those uplifting things with Tim as he is not one to talk about how he is managing losing our son. But he does sit out in the backyard every time he cuts the grass to have a chat with Michael.
  24. Colleen, your story of what happened to you when Brian crossed just resonated with me. The day Michael crossed, was the day after Thanksgiving. My daughter and her family got to stay on that Friday and left later in the afternoon. They have always gone home on Thanksgiving late afternoon. After they left I was siting alone in my den and began to feel very odd. Unlike yours I was not peaceful I was restless and feeling like I needed to be somewhere. I was up and down, literally shaking and feeling like crying. I thought maybe this was from a full weekend with an 18 month old??? I didn't know. We got the call from the hospital chaplain about two hours later. I think somewhere my "mother's instinct KNEW. Yet never did I relate it while it was happening because we had all just talked to Michael on thanksgiving and he was fine. Tinay, my daughter's middle name is also LEIGH. I wanted it to be special because I knew she would be. Lesley, a very handsome man in Tommy. Thank you for sharing. A wonderful image of a happy, smiling guy. You have a lot of pride and love to hold in your heart. I love when we see the pictures of our angels. That way we have their image when we think of them. Dee, the other day I was leaving the doctor's office in Orland. I know you are probably about an hour away but I saw the most beautiful section of pink sky. It was amazing...and it was just a section cut out of the sky. I told Tim that was probably Eri sending a message to her mom. Without hesitation he just agreed. He has seen signs (first the two in the house with the music and the plant) and then when we drove to Wyoming last month we were talking about Michael and him being with us in Wyoming. Tim told me to look up at the sky ahead and there plain as day was a cross- an orthodox cross.We are all catholic but my father's family was russian orthodox and Michael found an orthodox cross at my uncle's and wore it. Tinay, you will feel Kiona when you least expect it. She is there. Allen, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your broken heart still trembles. There are so many kind people here. You have come to a good place.
  25. Georgina, a beautiful new granddaughter in the family. Know that James is looking down on his girls (mom, sister, nieces) and is full of love and pride. Peter is a new uncle and his light shines through on both of his nieces and little sister. They both are seeing the light of love shine through the darkness of grief. As for your robin--- not to worry--- this is the circle of life. Perhaps he is looking after the the mother of his babies or SHE has some eggs to sit. It is that time of year... and maybe the message is now-time to watch your new little mom and her little chickadee. They need mom and grandmother to feel and embrace their circle of life. Wendy, I am so sorry to hear of your health issues and other issues facing you. Your life raft has been in turbulent waters for so long. I have read once that "Life has a way of testing a person's will: either by having nothing happen at all or everything happens all at once." You have had more than your share. I will leave off the word prayers and tell you that I am channeling my most positive thoughts to you. Lou ann and Darcy- your daughters have surely met up and I will bet if you listen closing one is saying, "Mom I met this beautiful little girl who needed someone to hold her and be with her.".... and another saying, "Mommy, this beautiful angel is here with me and keeps me safe." Imagination--maybe or we just need to be quiet enough to hear. You both found this site close in time to each other even though your losses are farther apart..... some who come here find they were drawn to this particular site or stumbled on it when they were so distraught... I am just saying.....