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Everything posted by TearsInHeaven

  1. To Michael and all the children from this site:
  2. Dee, as always a very moving, from the heart, poem. Thanks for sharing. I called my granddaughter "Sweetpea". Tim calls her "Sugarplum". Laurie, that robin video was touching. I am a believer and a lot of times that is what keeps me going.
  3. Mary Ellen, while people can tell you all the statistics about drugs, overdose and this plague affecting so many people, young and old it is not what you need to hear. Christopher is your son and not a statistic. Finding out his cause of death was brutal for you, I am sure,but the circumstances do not change your love for him. We have so many stories here, tragic stories of loss and each and every one of those children is an important and treasured loss. Christopher is included in that. He never felt any pain or distress. Nobody aspires to be an addict. Those that do become one struggle with guilt, shame, pain and their own demons that come from the drugs. Don't let that cause of death cloud your love for Christopher. I will be honest in that the first holidays are pretty rough. I honestly do not remember the first Mother's Day but I am sure it was passed in tears. My son died the day after Thanksgiving so I know that is a holiday I cannot face again. I pretty much feel the darkness come in November and it lasts until after Jan 1. His memorial service was Dec27. His was a coroner's case and they would not release his body until Dec 23. As for Mother's Day just remember that you ARE a mother. You decide what you need. I know that whenever anyone asks if I have children my answer is "yes, I have two. One lives in Wyoming and one lives in heaven." No one will ever take that from me. I am Michael's mother. We have a tree dedicated to Michael in a local park and we go there for some quiet time. This is my 3rd round of holidays starting and I don't have a handle on it yet. But somehow, some way I will figure it out. For now, get through with what you can. We are here for you.
  4. Mika, losing your beautiful son is the hardest thing you can experience and adding the difficulty of a trial and all has had to been unbelievable. You are a few months later than me on this frightful journey of grief. Somehow, someway you have come this far. I find sleep to be elusive most of the time. Maybe 4 hours a night if I am lucky.... I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (and sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. Somehow I cope and you are also--taking care of your children during this has been difficult for you I am sure but you are keeping your family afloat. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. But while your grief will become a part of you you will find that somehow you will adjust to this new normal in your life. But don't beat yourself up about it not happening in a moment. You loved your son not only for his 19 years with you but for all of the future you saw in your "mother's eyes". Time is what will help. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. Lesley and Lou ann are right. Please come join us on Loss Of An Adult Child. It is the most active thread and there are so many parents that post regularly and have truly been a lifeline for me. I have a long way to go but after interacting with this forum I now find the word hope is not as foreign as it was. It takes a lot of time to heal. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to and does not come with an expiration date. Small steps will move you forward on this journey. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening. You do not have be be alone. We are here for you.
  5. Devianz, that is a powerful quote, I especially found a connection in the last two lines. When the dark times fall that is what it takes--an act of bravery. MamaDukes, yes please join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. so many understanding and compassionate people.
  6. Mary, you never have to feel alone. Susan (Mermaid Tears) always finds the best quotes. And there are so many who know this loss. Join the Loss of an adult child and bring your sorrow, your angst and even a joyful time. While you have walked in your "grief shoes" longer than I have , I can understand and so can all who have had to bear this sorrow. We all help each other.
  7. Kate-did some eagle research. Cannot wait for you to share any pictures. I am a believer and that really helps. We have signs all around us we just have to pay attention and they quietly will come. Eagle’s medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work. The eagle is a sacred messenger, carrying our prayers on its wings to the Creator/All That Is/Spirit, and returning with gifts and visions for the people. Eagle feathers assist medicine people/shamans in connecting with Spirit for healing. They are deemed the most sacred healing tools, a symbol of power, healing and wisdom. As well as its ties with the powerful energies of the sky, Eagle holds a deeper meaning. From eagles we learn that life looks different from an aerial perspective. We need to take a new view on the challenges in our lives. If we don’t readily find solutions it may be because our vision is too limited to see the solutions that are so glaringly obvious. The eagles’ home is the freedom of the sky. He spends most of his time fearlessly flying high above, bridging heaven and earth. The vision they possess helps us learn to take a step back and view the bigger picture. We need to view the past and the present objectively, whilst looking towards the future. We need to open our minds and hearts to see past old, restricting beliefs that are holding us back. Eagle teaches us to courageously face our fear of the unknown, so we are then able to fly as high as our heart’s joy can take us. All of our beautiful children fly on eagles' wings. Peace and comfort to all.
  8. Laurie, let me also join in the round of dream believers. Sometimes I wish I had reacted more instead of brushing them off. Sorry to hear about your back troubles. My husband has had back issues from the age of 27. He had two micro-surgeries and then finally a fusion. All those took almost 40 years to pass. But I know how he has struggled. Positive thoughts for that and all the other issues you have had to face recently. Becky, sorry to hear about your eye issues and struggles. It does look so painful. Positive thoughts your way also. Hopefully relief will soon be your companion. Susan, thanks for sharing the pictures of your granddaughter and her happy family. Veto is growing so quickly. He is a little charmer. Luanne, watching friends back away began probably six months after our loss. Seems like there is always discomfort on not knowing what to say or maybe because a lot of friends had kids of similar age.Even though our kids were grow,out of college and off on their own you could feel their discomfort. What is funny is that my husband has a group of friends that he can lunch with, golf with, (he's retired) and even works a small retirement job on a golf course with a couple of them. The difference----a couple of them lost a child and one even lost two of his sons. I think they are good for each other. The one new friend I made worked with me on my Texas contract. He is two months younger than my son would have been and, of course, I am closer in age to his mom, but he has kept in contact with me for the these last 2 years. Meeting "new" people isn't easy at my age so I try not to think about it. But my loss has made me more home bound anyway.
  9. Luanne-When you go to Loss of An Adult Child, you go to the far right and click on the time of the last post. It will take you there. You can always back up on the pages to see maybe where you left off---- or whatever you need. The most recent post is on the last page..
  10. Christopher's Mom- one month into this is so hard. Try not to think in terms of days, weeks, months, etc. Right now just think about taking it an hour or even a minute at a time. There is no expiration date for grief. You just make your way the best you can. The devastation---knife in your heart--kind of pain will change as time moves forward. I remember thinking if I could just get through this week, this month then the first year.....but it is there. Grief takes on different forms but it likes to cover you even as you work forward on this journey. But know that that first month is still sooo hard. Just give yourself some space where you can mourn and know that is okay. Talking helps. Some people do counseling and some choose other things. I know coming here with a group who understood what I felt. Every one grieves differently but we share common ground. You might find that your friends and family sort of distance themselves and right now YOU need to talk about Christopher. Share what you want to when you are ready. There is always someone who can offer a shoulder.
  11. Georgina-- I am so glad you shared your robin. I was hoping this would touch your heart in all the right places.
  12. Dee-looks like Erica was watching out for her mom. Congratulations. Lesley and Dee,--about the robins. I looked them up because Georgina is always having such struggles and she frequently talks about the robin that comes close when she goes to visit James. It turned out that it gave me a boost because I have had a robin come close every morning as I feed the birds. She does go for the seed or startle but just hops around close. That and your experience yesterday, Dee, is a win -win, don't you think??? Lesley I have also read about dragonflys. The first fall after we lost Michael, we had a small red dragonfly hanging out whenever we were on the deck. It was very unusual and it too never seemed to startle. The next spring a red dragon fly sat on the fence as I was painting it and kept moving along as I did. I found this--" Legend has it that dragonflies were given an extra set of wings so that angels could ride on their back, smaller than small,yet whenever you see a winged masterpiece, you can be certain that an angel has come down from heaven to visit you." According to legends of the Native Americans, they are sometimes considered the souls of the dead!
  13. Brokenhearted mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I understand not being able to get the words out. Words you never, ever, in your wildest imagination thought you would ever say. This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. You have suffered through several losses but you are right that nothing can compare to losing a child, no matter what the age or circumstances. No we are never the same but while it does not seem like it now, you will change and grow --just not in ways you ever considered. I am 2.5 years into this and it seems like so many times it is still surreal. I remember that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. But, I can tell you that while I probably cry sometime every day it is different. Sometimes I even allow myself to think I feel little shards of light and hope that I can manage this new reality. Maybe not well, but I always remember my son, and I try to remember that I have my husband, daughter and granddaughter that look to me. None of us will ever be the same. Give yourself time to grieve. While the last thing on your mind is taking care of yourself, TRY. I urge you to allow your feelings to surface and process them so you can release them. Feel the emotions. Writing about whatever comes to the surface helps to release those thoughts and emotions, too. We must allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions our grief has produced inside of us instead of keeping our emotions tightly bottled up inside. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. The path is never straight forward and a lot of one step forward, two steps back.. . A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. There are kind, compassionate people here.
  14. Just a thought I came across.......
  15. Georgina, I have been thinking of you---and your robin. I found this: I know this does not mean "let go of James". It just means to channel your grief in your new normal.
  16. SUSAN.....so glad to see you back. You were missed!
  17. LuanneJ,yes you are in the right place. This is Loss of An Adult Child. Glad you found us but sorry that circumstances bring you here. But you have found a good place to come to share with other parents in similar situations.There are several compassionate, grieving parents here banded together to help us learn to cope with our loss. Please come back and tell us what you are ready to. Silky, so sorry to hear that you also lost your father. It is good to hear that you and your daughter were able to connect and be there for each other. Both your dad and Steven are smiling down.
  18. Happy Birthday in Heaven, Erica. Bring your soft spirit to your mom today and let her feel your sunshine. Bring butterfly kisses tomorrow to your niece and namesake as she celebrates her birthday like children do. Dee, I could not find Erica a star to sit on but I thought the moon was close. I will never forget the visual you gave me of your beautiful daughter....
  19. and christophers mom

    Mary, good to feel that you want to move forward. I understand wanting that but I know that it can be hard. Don't give up on us here. Come join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. There are some parents who have lost their children several years ago, like you. That is an active thread and it has such good people. I will tell you they have been my lifeline especially during those times when I was just in such a dark place. So come when you have good things to relate, when you are sad, dark, angry, lost. This awful journey we are on is long. It has so many twists and turns and places we do not expect. And believe me, when you have a moment of something good we will all rally around. Don't give up and don't think you have to be alone. Whatever outside help you are ready or able to accept is a good thing. But sometimes, even in the middle of the night or early morning hours, get those feelings out. Sometimes that's half the battle.
  20. Becky, that is an incredible gift from Jared. He knows what you need and has been able to reach across for you. That has had to leave a beautiful rose on your heart. Take and love it for all that you are worth. Your signs bring hope to us all.
  21. and christophers mom

    Mary, you are right about this not being fair but it is what it is and we parents learn what it takes. Please know deep in your heart that your boys will NEVER think that you forgot them. You know you could never forget. But also know that finding that spot of joy, going and living a life they would be proud of is not forgetting them. I know I cannot compare to the length of time you have been grieving as I am essentially new. But I will share with you that the recent months have been defined for me as momentary glimpses of hope. Yes, I still cry and cannot say his name without tears flowing. I struggle to figure how this normal works and still fail at that but somewhere I feel that there is a feeling of seeing a peaceful robin, looking at a young woman with a small child and seeing a bond not a tragedy. I still have my dark times and times I wish that this did not happen TO ME. But it did and I choose to move towards the beautiful light of my son. Not an easy task and one I am not always successful but I am trying. You can to. You have SURVIVED and you never let them down. Those boys are as important to you as always but letting yourself slide down into deep despair hurts you. You will never for a single moment ever forget them. You honor their memory in so many ways. Try to let the sunshine on those boys and their beautiful memories. If therapy is a good option, do it. Let the therapist show you a glimpse of sunshine and how to incorporate it in your love. Grief hurts and sometimes, as we all know, love can hurt but it also can bring joy. Your sons brought you joy and the beautiful memories of them can do the same. Sure, maybe some mourning but live in the joy of the beauty they gave you. Your sister is reaching out a hand to you. Take it and hold on.
  22. Devianz-you will do it. Your biggest supporter Nathan will be sitting right next to you in this meeting. He knows his mom can do it! He has seen her strength.
  23. and christophers mom

    Mary, I am just 2.5 years into my loss but certainly identify with all that you have expressed. It is the hardest thing ever to go from being a hands on loving mother and then have that crash around you. But stand up tall for being able to have navigated the last 18 years. The loss never goes away-- one thing I have learned is from the quote that THE HARDEST THING A MOTHER HAS HAD TO HEAR IS THAT HER CHILD DIED. THE HARDEST THING SHE HAS TO DO IS LIVE EVERY DAY AFTER. If you are out in SC and your family is elsewhere, have you thought about moving closer to them? Perhaps having family close would help. Nothing will replace your sons' physical presence in your life but having those around who care about you might help. Your sons are always with you. You carry them in your heart every moment. On the thread in this forum is a section called Loss of an Adult Child. We have some very kind, compassionate (and wise) parents that have lost their child(ren) many years ago. They have stayed to help people like myself and even newer to see that there are shards of light out there and help. We used to have a parent who posted often that called them "our spirit guides". Whenever you want come and join on that thread. Everyone needs someone to help, listen or hug sometimes. I wish strength for you.
  24. IStillMissHim, I am so very sorry for your loss and the renewed anguish--not that your loss ever went away but facing more changes bringing things to the forefront again. I lost my son 2.5 years ago. Having a teenager about to step out into the world is a challenging part for a parent. Opening up about your feelings are important. I wish I had all the right words to say. I would suggest you join in on the thread Loss Of An Adult Child. We have many active parents on that site , If you click on the Loss of an adult child you will see to the far right that the last person to post is listed. If you click underneath at the time it will take you to the most active post.
  25. Silky, I, too, have had my head so filled with so much loss anguish in the early months. My head was so full all I wanted to do was "turn it off" for a while. And like you, every time I just felt that nothing was going to change anything and nothing could bring him back. I was also raised Catholic and had that base but I think like Dee pointed out, right now there is a struggle to believe or sort anything out. And, Lesley's words are so true. This raw grief will ebb and flow and mostly you now feel like you were caught in a tsunami. But you have had the worst happen. Every day seems like a struggle to just remember to breathe. It will not always be as difficult---I am not saying you will not have difficulties--- but they do make their way into your life and you learn the ways you need to manage. Getting your feelings out really helps. Those of us here have understanding and compassion for your sorrow.