Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About TearsInHeaven

  • Rank
    For Michael

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    Lost my adult son Michael
  • Angel Date
    Nov 28,2014


  • First Name

Recent Profile Visitors

1,955 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, you are closing in on 7 months but believe me, like you I could not believe my son was gone. While I am sure my rational side knew he was never coming back, my heart kept wanting to hope he would come through the door. I am six weeks away from my 3rd anniversary. I realize my reality but I think there never is really acceptance. Somehow this horribly new normal just takes over and the grief ebbs and flows in this different world. I worked after we lost him and it did help to focus throughout the day. Sometimes I am not even sure what I remember from the first year besides the overwhelming pain and sadness. Someday you will find a little light even though it seems impossible now. Everyone advises one day at a time and it really is important. Make it through today and tomorrow is another day. Whatever gets you through the day is a good thing even if you cannot see that now. Work, crafts, walking, cleaning a drawer out, whatever it takes. Thanks, Sherry, my surgery was a couple of years ago just before we lost Michael. My first stone at the age of 31 and my (hopefully) last stone--that caused the sepsis--- were the ones that took me to surgery. I had a radiologist buddy that I worked for that used to ultrasound me and caught the others so I was able to "work with fluids" and medication to pass them. I spent so much time urinating into a filter it was ridiculous.... Michael successfully passed 2 or 3 and Heather successfully passed one... hoping she never has another.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, your poems were beautiful. I think they should be in a book they are so powerful and moving--helping bereaved parents. BTW, I saw in the paper that Chicago got 4.19 inches of rain on Saturday.We were so dry here that it was gone on Sunday. I did the rain to snow converter and if it had been snow we would have gotten 54.4 inches of snow. Too bad the Cubs game wasn't here in Chicago instead of LA. ---maybe the outcome could have gotten postponed!
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Angelica, I am so sorry for the loss of little Amariya. She is so beautiful with those big brown eyes. I know she is a beautiful angel. You have come to a good place with many kind and compassionate people here. With everything that happened so fast, please take care of yourself. Your heart, mind and body all need to heal. This grief journey is difficult but we will be here to hold your hand.
  4. New to forum posting

    Hi Elizabeth, I happened to see your post and see that Lesley has been conversing with you. She is such a good person. I have lost my son 2 years 10.5 months ago. It is unimaginable what grief is like and I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I was about a week into my loss when I found this forum and it has helped me. Like Lesley has advised if you go to Loss of a Child--Loss of an Adult Child and go to the last page you will find the most active thread. There are so many kind, considerate, bereaved parents on there. There actually are about 2400+ pages and sometimes even just reading old posts might offer you some comfort. But, the most active is going to the last page and it is there you will get responses. Please, feel free to talk about Stephanie when you are ready and again, as Lesley says sometimes just talking about your loss helps get it out from that festering place in your heart. In this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. I know only to well that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. You have found a way to put one foot in front of the other for nine months. I understand that sometimes those steps are pretty shaky and maybe there are more steps back than what you would like but somehow, some way you have survived. the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (an sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. I could not do the counseling part as it just did not work on a personal level. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out. Lesley, your comforting words are so touching. Tommy stands with his arm around you.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sandy, so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is so sad to know that someone we love suffers so much. Sarah has welcomed him into heaven. Lesley, I didn't know that they had tv shows from here shown in the UK. I never was too much of a tv watcher until about the last year. Now I am addicted to CNN every morning. I "walk" in my house and am accompanied by the CNN news. I don't walk outside because I am a little nervous of uneven ground and inside I know the floors, we have an open concept and I am always the right temperature. My husband on the other hand has always been a "tv-oholic". He is an "owl" and I am a "lark" ; he loves classic rock and I am eclectic in my music but grew up on motown. Not sure how we ever made this all work but we have... recently reached 44 years. Our grief has turned us inward and we grieve differently. But everything is so different. Dee, sorry to hear that your Michael's leg was broken. He is so little. My kidney stones are from a metabolic problem that I unfortunately passed to my children. Both have had stones starting in their late twenties. Michael had 2 and Heather has had thankfully only one. My first one was at age 31 and they had to go in and get it. I passed the others except for the last one (my ureter must be the size of a garden hose by now.) The last one caused the sepsis and that took place before Michael died. 2011. That was the biggest one of all and caused all the problems. So far since then I have been ok but my kidney, while it functions. is a little compromised. I know that if all this had happened after I lost Michael I am not sure I would have fought so hard to get better. I have an ICU nurse to thank for basically saving my life. Leah, hoping Sena is home before you know it.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, missed the part where they confirmed a fracture on your grandson. Poor little guy. Wearing a cast is no fun but maybe the bright color will help him. Favorites are favorites and good for him. Leah, all of our positive thoughts are surrounding you on your quest to be there for your granddaughter. She loves you and needs your stability in her life. Georgina, you have had to deal with more than your share of upheaval. I offer my most positive thoughts as a virtual hug. Sorry you are having such a rough time with your health. I know how scary that is. My sepsis was also caused by a kidney stone that was too big to pass (7mm), could not be broken up with lithotripsy so they finally went in and took it out surgically. I also had a stent and that was so brutal. I spent 7 or 8 days in Intensive Care but after about 6 weeks I did ok. I know when it was time to come off the antibiotics I was frightened... they were my lifeline. But I beat the odds and so will you. That was kidney stone number 15 for me so I hope you have not also had that problem. Hold on tight. Prayers for your strength to return and a full recovery. Susan, the snippet you posted about places that you call home touched my heart. You always find such good ones and that one really got me. Cubs and Blackhawks game tonight. My husband will be beside himself--and I hope to not fall asleep....not for lack of excitement but my sleep is so disjointed lately. Hope the Cubs can pull it out...heard the Dodgers are waiting for them.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Margo, sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your husband are facing. This is a more difficult time than anyone could ever imagine. My husband and I are not in the same place we were prior to our loss--- not bad but very different than we have ever had. We are learning our way around this new life. We grieve in a different manner. We are learning to adjust to those differences and we have only 2 years 10.5 months into this nightmare. We have 44 years in this marriage and life has beat us up pretty well through many of the years but no one else can share this loss even if we suffer the loss in different ways. Really it is one day at a time. Glad to hear that your physical health is improving. Dee, hope the grandkids feel better. I wish I had the Fall colors around me you described. Not much of that here. I was in Orland ( yea! last varicose vein treatment) last week and they were still pretty green. But, it could be worse, my daughter has had 2 bouts of major snowfall in WY already. Kate, glad your Thanksgiving was good. Hoping California gets heavy rain on all those fires. Wishing peace and comfort to all here.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jesse David-- remembering you today. Your mom has been a true mama bear protecting and taking care of her family. Her burden has been heavy and letting her feel that warm, charming smile of yours within her heart will comfort her today and many days.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, sorry to hear about your grandson,. Hope he heals well and his sister does not beat herself up for this injury. And, oh yes, the Hawks were outstanding. Just hope they do not follow the bad pattern for the Cubs. They score a gazillion runs in one game and then cannot hit a lick in the next. So lets hope all those goals were a sign of the season to come. And I thought they would miss Panarin....
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, that was so compassionate to call out to anyone from the Las Vegas shooting. Such a tragedy that one cannot comprehend...As the days move my hope is that somehow and some way the families know that the world is also mourning their loss. Lou ann, my word what a horrible experience covered with such a lack of compassion from the hospital you worked for. I have worked in hospitals my entire career and, while I have had my share of challenging supervisors, around here hospitals have been forthcoming with offering EAP assistance to a bereaved employee. I was fortunate to be working remotely when I lost Michael so breakdown times were not witnessed by my co workers. I do remember the guy that was our team lead calling me on a Friday(my day off) and I had been crying. He asked what was wrong. I said, I lost my son. He said that was 3 weeks ago he thought I would be over it. He was the lowest level human I have ever met... and that opinion was formed way before this incident. Unfortunately this year I was unable to get a consulting contract with the lack of jobs, my age and need to work remotely so I guess I have retired. Its a shock to my system and I certainly find myself more down and lonely. Friends from my clinical days are gone---they never even came to Michael's service....friends from my analyst days are gone. Aside from my husband and daughter I only have a cousin. I never knew grief until I lost my son. Thanks, Sherry, I thought that poem said a lot about how we make it through the seasons. Hockey is on. Good to see Saad back in a Hawk uniform.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, that visual of Eri on the moon that you shared with me when I was so early on in my grief and devastated to my core will stay with me forever. So many times it has helped me to look to the night sky and feel my son doing the same. I guess sometimes you never know what piece of comfort will do so much and I can only thank you for sharing your piece of comfort with me when I needed it the most.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Remembering Jared as his day passes once again through the heart of his family. While this date brings sadness and sorrow let there be light for the beautiful child they held for your short life. This day is now a gathering of love. The angels are singing with you. Hoping heaven's window can open to let you touch each of them in your own special way to over them moments of comfort and love.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, sorry I missed your request. I just looked for whichever youtube video, brought it up. Copied the url and paste here.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.What wonderful memories to share with your sisters as singing to her...and then she lets you know by a song she is safe and happy. She is catching up with James and enjoying baby Peter in a way she never could. Lou ann and Lesley, how ironic this talk about angels and the moon. When I first came on here--a week or two into my loss, Dee told about picturing Erica sitting on the moon with one foot over the side. It is a visual I have used so many times on this grief journey and it has brought comfort....thinking of Michael somewhere in the heavens watching over us. I will take that image with me until my last breath.-- even though he would have been hanging out with Bob Marley and Robin Williams. Tina, sometimes signs come when you least expect it.....and need it the most. Kiona sending you a hug when you are hurting so badly.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I so understand your words. There truly are no words to describe this pain. Your very soul has been shattered. I just reached the 2 year 10 month mark. Yes, I still count every time the calendar comes up on the 28th no matter what month. I can only hold your hand and offer comfort. I can tell you it does get different. Kiona will always be right at the tip of your heart and connected to those tears but the sadness will find its spot and it will rear its head at different levels rather than the constant pounding. Losing a child is a forever sadness but eventually you will find small specks of light. Life is changed but you will learn to find your way. Just remember that Kiona will always be a part of you. Lou ann, strong advice.