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About TearsInHeaven

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    For Michael

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  • Gender
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  • Loss Type
    Lost my adult son Michael
  • Angel Date
    Nov 28,2014


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  1. Lesley, your view of things was so well said. Thanks for your perceptive outlook. I think your insight was spot on to where I struggled with my thoughts. Dee, that wind by me is pretty ferocious....sunny but give me last week over and over again. Georgina, thinking of you and sending gentle thoughts. Laurie, same for you, thinking of you.....
  2. Tash, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child, all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. Your loss is so recent and your pain is so raw right now my heart goes out to you. Coping with this loss is unbearably hard. A parent's love for their baby is not measured in months or years. You gave her life and she gave you love. The love you felt for her has filled your life and your heart as well as her big sister and dad . Your grief right now must be so jumbled up with your loss of her, unspoken hopes, your dreams and expectations of her future. You need to try to take care of yourself especially as the new little life within needs you. You cannot take care of anyone if you do not take care of yourself first. Everyone grieves in their own way so just do whatever helps you right now. We will be here for you whenever you need, Hold on tight with both hands but never be afraid to reach out for help.
  3. Whoa---wait I don't want to be misunderstood. I just wanted to point out that we are all here together and each of us has our beliefs and convictions. I just hated to see what I called a line drawn in the sand. I happen to support both Dee and Kate's views and understand their right to express them. I was just saying that if you do not like what you read here wait and another topic will arise. The point I was making that when I first came on and found others talking about everyday things struck me when I was new but after some time I realized that that sort of thing could actually give me the understanding and hope that one day my ability to see that others have evolved with their grief. It was meant as a good thing. Sorry I should have just stayed out of it. I always called myself a card carrying liberal and my first political involvement was at the age of 16 for Robert Kennedy.
  4. It is important to remember that we are humans and that we are inherently different. Some people are enthusiastic, loud, front of the line or take control. Some are easy going, peaceful, grounded or diplomatic. ---and many fall in between. Each have their own strengths and weaknesses. As a grieving parent we reach a common ground of sharing our sorrows and our losses. And somehow, we respect each others' grief and sorrow, pain and anguish. We won't always find that our concerns, and thoughts, are middle of the road but we can value each other as we make our way. There can be times where the topic might be something that you find too overwhelming, or maybe against your core belief system. So there may be times when you cannot help but engage or maybe you just skip through because like the sun rising and setting the topic will pass and a new one begins. When I first joined this site in so much raw grief with the pain and anguish being overwhelming, I found that the posts about gardens or just everyday things made me second guess if this was the place for me. How could people talk about things like that when I was in so much pain? I stayed out for a little but came back and am very thankful I did. You all here in your own ways have helped me and given me hope in this dark well. Sure, there have been topics I have found "not to my belief" but just give it time and the topic moves on. The bottom line is we come here to share our journeys, wherever they take us. Everyone is working towards the same goal---finding peace with the loss of our child or children. We've brought our beaten and bruised personalities to this forum and let's not lose sight of the fact that we are working towards this common goal. We will take different paths sometimes to get there but we are all on the same team-to help others who like ourselves, have suffered this enormous loss. If there is something that is said or implied that you find offensive it might be a good use of personal messaging because you are right--- this is not Facebook or other social media outlets. Being tolerant, being understanding can still leave you true to yourself. Drawing a line in the sand is never going to produce a good outcome. Understanding a person's difference does not mean you have to accept it. It just means you can appreciate that people have diverse backgrounds, beliefs and personalities. Hopefully, I have not managed to intrude or upset. I have found that those who have stayed on for so many years and those new and just facing the anguish of loss are here because they need help and want to help others. I just know that every parent here has been a huge help and each and every child represented has been a very special person.
  5. Becky, what an incredible sign from Jared. You must have felt an unbelievable peace within your heart. Susan, that Veto is a little charmer. He looks like the happy, healthy baby he is. Devianz, I feel for all you have had to go through. Your strength through all of this is a something that is drawn from your most inner core. Ferrin: Parents of Lex, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you during these difficult times.
  6. Lesley, I see you posting and you are so kind and compassionate to our many newbies. At 18 months I was still such a mess and even now still have the sad and bad days. I admire your work on healing. Wish we could get some of the newbies to join us here. So many threads are so hard to keep up and yet I know how comforting it was for me to have this wonderful group reach out to me in those early times. Susan, once again really good snippets. The middle one is right on target for where I am although I need to admit that I am not the same soul I once was. I remember when I first came on this site and the kindness I was shown. The picture of John David showed such a strong man. Sometimes it feels like that has been a lifetime already. But I guess that is why I feel changed. Georgina, my best prayerful thoughts sent to you to get you back on your feet ---heart, mind and body. Leah, same thoughts sent to you. You are an incredible woman to take on your granddaughter with all you have facing you. Your great grandson is certainly having a connection with JaBoa. My granddaughter has mentioned Michael a few times to me, her mom and even at her nursery school. She was 18 months when we lost him. Once, when she was just turned 2 I was watching her and she had gone to sleep for the night. But she woke up fussy. I rocked her, walked her, everything to just to calm her down and back to sleep. She looked up at me and said, "Michael here." and closed her eyes. I am a believer. Sherry and Dee, I am sure we are having the same weather. I could get used to this for winter---60"s, doing some outside projects. Usually at this time of year any outside project would be shoveling snow! But I think Thursday we are back to reality.... Devianz, whether you draw on anger or bravery, Nathan is so proud of what you are doing for him. Janinedean, strong thoughts for you. I know how difficult it is right now. The coroner would not release my son for over 3 weeks. We planned his memorial service for a month away and we almost didn't have him for it. The anguish just kept coming in waves. But it was comforting to have friends of his come together. My husband worked so hard on a dvd of pictures and his friends told so many stories of their times together. I worked on putting background music to have playing in the chapel,--- no organ music there. We played music he liked as he was a big music person and worked in radio. I worked hard at some of the tricks he taught me and just before the minister was ready to start his part, he had to wait about 4 minutes for Stairway to Heaven to finish. I will never forget that.our son's service will go well and be a fitting tribute to him.
  7. Parents of Lex, my heart and my prayers go out to the both of you during this so new and raw time. Write when you are able. Sometimes sharing grief helps. Know that you are in all of our thoughts.
  8. Thinking of everyone and hoping some comfort and peace comes your way.
  9. Janine, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often. You have come to a place where those of us here can relate to the loss of a child. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help. I know you are probably doing your best to comfort and console your husband and your daughter while pushing your grief in the background. Your loss is so fresh and raw right now. I am sure your mind is working overtime and your heart cannot keep up with the grief. Take things just an hour at a time, maybe a minute at a time but right now all you can handle are small little bits of time without your son. While the last thing on your mind is taking care of yourself but you have to do that. Make sure you try to keep hydrated, try to eat something even if only peanut butter crackers or small bits of fruit. Remember that in order to take care of anything you must take care of yourself first. I can relate to you losing your son so unexpectedly. I had talked to my son the night before--as a matter of fact me, his dad, his sister , her husband and even his baby niece spoke to him as it was Thanksgiving day. He worked the next day and was fine, came home, showered, ate and was found on the floor a few hours later by the guy he shared his apartment with. They got him to the hospital but could never sustain his heart. It took many weeks to get an actual determination of death. At first I was going crazy because I HAD to know. After a few weeks, it didn't even matter to me really as knowing would not change things. The coroner's office did not release his body for almost 4 weeks. It was a nightmare as I am sure you understand. But, like I said knowing didn't help because we couldn't have him back alive and with us. Please take care of yourself, try to get fresh air and know that you are not alone in this. There are many parents here who walk this walk and their support is very helpful. You are not alone in this. We are here for you.
  10. Becky, sorry to hear about your friend and her family. My prayers are out there for her and for all of them.... for you also.
  11. Devianz, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. The reasons for the losses are many, the lost children are unique and your grief is as unique as was the love of your son.This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. Seeing that it has only been a few months since you lost your Nathan, I remember that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. A special counselor practicing in bereavement is good, and you may need some help dealing with these tragic circumstances. You are not a fraud, you are a grieving mother. You have found a way to put one foot in front of the other for seven months. I understand that sometimes those steps are pretty shaky and maybe there are more steps back than what you would like but somehow, some way you have survived. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD> SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." You did not fail as Nathan's mother, you gave him the very best you had before and after. You are caring and protecting your family but sometimes you need to think of yourself and take care of yourself. I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (an sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. I could not do the counseling part as it just did not work on a personal level. Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  12. Cheryl, glad to hear the graduation went well. Perfect words for you granddaughter --she is just as beautiful inside as she is outside---.My granddaughter is only 3 1/2 and I have told her that from the beginning. You have had a lot to deal with in 10 months. That marker day is so hard and I think you are right that it is hard as it draws nearer. Hold on tight with both hands. Tony will be putting his arm around and holding you tight.
  13. Ferrin, you have made some good steps today. Your little daughter who looks at things through such caring eyes brought you into her world without her little brother maybe reminding you that she too needs her parents. Right now things are leaving you in sort of an unreal state. I know when I first lost my son I wanted to be outside all of the time. I understand what you mean about the quiet and your mind racing. Outside I looked to the sky and talked to Michael. Sleep was elusive but when I could I would be outside. I raked leaves, walked the yard just to have that sky above me. One of the group here (that Susan (MermaidTears) calls our spirit guides) Dee, gave me a visual I use alot in the harder times. She told me she sees her daughter sitting on a star with one leg over the side. I still use that to quiet my mind,seeing my son sitting on that star. These early days are rough and as a dad you want to take care of everyone else but you need to also take care of you. Speaking of Dee, she just posted above. We have some good people here. This group was my lifeline. Take it one step at a time and know you are not alone in this.
  14. Gretchen, and here I was thinking the same thing about your telling of the "softness" you felt the other day. That is why I think we were so fortunate to come together here during this journey of grief. I know the peace I felt from my 2 experiences with the music coming on with "How to Save a Life" and most recently the angel being moved. Your "angel lady" experiences have given me a big shot of belief. I have always been a spiritual person but during such times it is easy to lose sight when boulders are thrown in your way as you try to learn this new normal. Forest was sitting with his arm around you as he feels happy that his mom has worked so hard to get better and now holds that window to his world open.
  15. Ferrin, I wish offering my condolences for the loss of your son would help but I know those words do not begin to help your broken heart. Yesterday will forever be a day burned into your memory and right now that pain feels unbearable but you will some how,some way learn what your grief will allow as you move to the next minute, next hour. I read in the beginning of my journey--- The death of a child is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people. That ripple right now is passing over you, your dear wife and daughter like a tsunami. The footprints your beautiful son left on your heart will be there forever and he will be with you always. Your Boo.