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About TearsInHeaven

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    For Michael

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  • Loss Type
    Lost my adult son Michael
  • Angel Date
    Nov 28,2014


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  1. Rainie, forgive me for jumping in but I just wanted to tell you that YES you do have a way of reaching out and offering comfort to others.After losing your two boys you offer consoling words to so many others even though your heart is in a million pieces. Someday, in some way ,I hope that those of us with a disability--all disabilities--- are taken seriously and given ,if not help, at least understanding of those limitations. My disability is from my damaged joints---my ankles look like someone took a hammer to them-- and my hands. I can "function" but it takes effort and gritting through the pain. People with all types of disabilities face barriers of all types, not just physical. Glad that you came on this forum. That picture you and Laurie both posted. .. I have that as my computer background. Some one took it and added "God grant me peace for my heart is so broken." It has been on my computer ever since. Lesley, I know those "out of the blue" kind of days--or weeks--I am facing one and have been since Apr 16th. The date hit me that in one month it would be Michael's birthday and it has stirred a lot up for me. I was in Wyoming and while I LOVE seeing my daughter and granddaughter it is not a good place for me. We'll hang on but need to remember that you cannot erase an emotional memory. We just have to figure how to handle it when those memories surface. We will. That is why we have each other in this group. Tinay, I am sorry for your loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child all to well and in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. Speak of your beautiful daughter, We are all here for you. Dee, beautiful as always--thanks for sharing.
  2. How comforting to sign on this morning and see so many familiar signons---Sherry, Susan, Dee, Kate, Wade..... Wade- thanks for sharing a part of Brooks and his talent. It is always heartening to hear from one of those that have been so helpful to me. I am sure that this profound loss has tilted your world and staying upright is something you are no longer sure of. Know that you and Brooks are thought of frequently. Have patience with yourself and when you feel your courage slipping know that Brooks is nearby to help you up. Some day we will all be able to know that our memories are a direct route to serenity and peace and not just sadness. This is a small act of kindness but hopefully it touches a small part of your pain. MamaDukes, Cher, Devianz, I remember going through my first year. The pain comes so frequently and sometimes without warning. I remember that I kept telling myself that all I had to do was make it through that first year.Not sure why or what I thought but I felt the need to just reach that point. I found there was no magic number...no benchmark for grief.... the sadness, the grief comes when it chooses-----BUT-- while I still have those sad times ---and the gut wrenching times--I can see a small shard of light. I think this is called hope. I know I am a long way off and there will probably be some backslides . I have learned that pain needs to be attended to and while most times love and joy whisper quietly, pain shouts at you for all its worth. Amyanne and Lou ann can confirm this. But there will come a day where a thought of your sons (and daughters) will first bring a smile. I hold onto that.
  3. I have not been able to post lately. I was blaming it on the blues that just turned dark as I head closer to Michael's birthday on 5/16. I am sorry I missed some new people but glad to see the welcoming help I knew they would receive from the KIND, COMPASSIONATE, GENEROUS people here. I can say without a doubt that the people like Kate, Dee, Susan, Sherry, Laurie, Shannon, Georgina, Gretchen, Becky, Wade---were all the best group I have been fortunate to have found to help me as I learn to make my way.There have been others, I know, that have come in and out and I appreciate them as well. Lesley, you have come in and are so helpful and know I am grateful. No one should be subjected to uncalled for harassment and we can all agree that we have enough emotional turmoil in our lives. Lou ann, Amyanne, Silky, Devianz, MamaDukes,Rainie, Cher,we are a good group and are here for you as you travel this path. Sharing our grief is a positive step towards healing. Maryanne, best wishes on new little Graison. Susan, Veto is growing by leaps and bounds and is the picture of health and happiness as an infant should be. Gretchen, the picture of Forest is remarkable. Becky, the signs from J.D. are such a positive experience for you and your family. Laurie, thanks for thinking of me and I hope that things are okay for you. Kate, your husband is a courageous man. Georgina, hope you are well. http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/06/grief-attacked/
  4. To Michael and all the children from this site:
  5. Dee, as always a very moving, from the heart, poem. Thanks for sharing. I called my granddaughter "Sweetpea". Tim calls her "Sugarplum". Laurie, that robin video was touching. I am a believer and a lot of times that is what keeps me going.
  6. Mary Ellen, while people can tell you all the statistics about drugs, overdose and this plague affecting so many people, young and old it is not what you need to hear. Christopher is your son and not a statistic. Finding out his cause of death was brutal for you, I am sure,but the circumstances do not change your love for him. We have so many stories here, tragic stories of loss and each and every one of those children is an important and treasured loss. Christopher is included in that. He never felt any pain or distress. Nobody aspires to be an addict. Those that do become one struggle with guilt, shame, pain and their own demons that come from the drugs. Don't let that cause of death cloud your love for Christopher. I will be honest in that the first holidays are pretty rough. I honestly do not remember the first Mother's Day but I am sure it was passed in tears. My son died the day after Thanksgiving so I know that is a holiday I cannot face again. I pretty much feel the darkness come in November and it lasts until after Jan 1. His memorial service was Dec27. His was a coroner's case and they would not release his body until Dec 23. As for Mother's Day just remember that you ARE a mother. You decide what you need. I know that whenever anyone asks if I have children my answer is "yes, I have two. One lives in Wyoming and one lives in heaven." No one will ever take that from me. I am Michael's mother. We have a tree dedicated to Michael in a local park and we go there for some quiet time. This is my 3rd round of holidays starting and I don't have a handle on it yet. But somehow, some way I will figure it out. For now, get through with what you can. We are here for you.
  7. Mika, losing your beautiful son is the hardest thing you can experience and adding the difficulty of a trial and all has had to been unbelievable. You are a few months later than me on this frightful journey of grief. Somehow, someway you have come this far. I find sleep to be elusive most of the time. Maybe 4 hours a night if I am lucky.... I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (and sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. Somehow I cope and you are also--taking care of your children during this has been difficult for you I am sure but you are keeping your family afloat. You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. But while your grief will become a part of you you will find that somehow you will adjust to this new normal in your life. But don't beat yourself up about it not happening in a moment. You loved your son not only for his 19 years with you but for all of the future you saw in your "mother's eyes". Time is what will help. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. Lesley and Lou ann are right. Please come join us on Loss Of An Adult Child. It is the most active thread and there are so many parents that post regularly and have truly been a lifeline for me. I have a long way to go but after interacting with this forum I now find the word hope is not as foreign as it was. It takes a lot of time to heal. Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to and does not come with an expiration date. Small steps will move you forward on this journey. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening. You do not have be be alone. We are here for you.
  8. Devianz, that is a powerful quote, I especially found a connection in the last two lines. When the dark times fall that is what it takes--an act of bravery. MamaDukes, yes please join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. so many understanding and compassionate people.
  9. Mary, you never have to feel alone. Susan (Mermaid Tears) always finds the best quotes. And there are so many who know this loss. Join the Loss of an adult child and bring your sorrow, your angst and even a joyful time. While you have walked in your "grief shoes" longer than I have , I can understand and so can all who have had to bear this sorrow. We all help each other.
  10. Kate-did some eagle research. Cannot wait for you to share any pictures. I am a believer and that really helps. We have signs all around us we just have to pay attention and they quietly will come. Eagle’s medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work. The eagle is a sacred messenger, carrying our prayers on its wings to the Creator/All That Is/Spirit, and returning with gifts and visions for the people. Eagle feathers assist medicine people/shamans in connecting with Spirit for healing. They are deemed the most sacred healing tools, a symbol of power, healing and wisdom. As well as its ties with the powerful energies of the sky, Eagle holds a deeper meaning. From eagles we learn that life looks different from an aerial perspective. We need to take a new view on the challenges in our lives. If we don’t readily find solutions it may be because our vision is too limited to see the solutions that are so glaringly obvious. The eagles’ home is the freedom of the sky. He spends most of his time fearlessly flying high above, bridging heaven and earth. The vision they possess helps us learn to take a step back and view the bigger picture. We need to view the past and the present objectively, whilst looking towards the future. We need to open our minds and hearts to see past old, restricting beliefs that are holding us back. Eagle teaches us to courageously face our fear of the unknown, so we are then able to fly as high as our heart’s joy can take us. All of our beautiful children fly on eagles' wings. Peace and comfort to all.
  11. Laurie, let me also join in the round of dream believers. Sometimes I wish I had reacted more instead of brushing them off. Sorry to hear about your back troubles. My husband has had back issues from the age of 27. He had two micro-surgeries and then finally a fusion. All those took almost 40 years to pass. But I know how he has struggled. Positive thoughts for that and all the other issues you have had to face recently. Becky, sorry to hear about your eye issues and struggles. It does look so painful. Positive thoughts your way also. Hopefully relief will soon be your companion. Susan, thanks for sharing the pictures of your granddaughter and her happy family. Veto is growing so quickly. He is a little charmer. Luanne, watching friends back away began probably six months after our loss. Seems like there is always discomfort on not knowing what to say or maybe because a lot of friends had kids of similar age.Even though our kids were grow,out of college and off on their own you could feel their discomfort. What is funny is that my husband has a group of friends that he can lunch with, golf with, (he's retired) and even works a small retirement job on a golf course with a couple of them. The difference----a couple of them lost a child and one even lost two of his sons. I think they are good for each other. The one new friend I made worked with me on my Texas contract. He is two months younger than my son would have been and, of course, I am closer in age to his mom, but he has kept in contact with me for the these last 2 years. Meeting "new" people isn't easy at my age so I try not to think about it. But my loss has made me more home bound anyway.
  12. Luanne-When you go to Loss of An Adult Child, you go to the far right and click on the time of the last post. It will take you there. You can always back up on the pages to see maybe where you left off---- or whatever you need. The most recent post is on the last page..
  13. Christopher's Mom- one month into this is so hard. Try not to think in terms of days, weeks, months, etc. Right now just think about taking it an hour or even a minute at a time. There is no expiration date for grief. You just make your way the best you can. The devastation---knife in your heart--kind of pain will change as time moves forward. I remember thinking if I could just get through this week, this month then the first year.....but it is there. Grief takes on different forms but it likes to cover you even as you work forward on this journey. But know that that first month is still sooo hard. Just give yourself some space where you can mourn and know that is okay. Talking helps. Some people do counseling and some choose other things. I know coming here with a group who understood what I felt. Every one grieves differently but we share common ground. You might find that your friends and family sort of distance themselves and right now YOU need to talk about Christopher. Share what you want to when you are ready. There is always someone who can offer a shoulder.
  14. Georgina-- I am so glad you shared your robin. I was hoping this would touch your heart in all the right places.
  15. Dee-looks like Erica was watching out for her mom. Congratulations. Lesley and Dee,--about the robins. I looked them up because Georgina is always having such struggles and she frequently talks about the robin that comes close when she goes to visit James. It turned out that it gave me a boost because I have had a robin come close every morning as I feed the birds. She does go for the seed or startle but just hops around close. That and your experience yesterday, Dee, is a win -win, don't you think??? Lesley I have also read about dragonflys. The first fall after we lost Michael, we had a small red dragonfly hanging out whenever we were on the deck. It was very unusual and it too never seemed to startle. The next spring a red dragon fly sat on the fence as I was painting it and kept moving along as I did. I found this--" Legend has it that dragonflies were given an extra set of wings so that angels could ride on their back, smaller than small,yet whenever you see a winged masterpiece, you can be certain that an angel has come down from heaven to visit you." According to legends of the Native Americans, they are sometimes considered the souls of the dead!