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About TearsInHeaven

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    For Michael

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  • Gender
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    Lost my adult son Michael
  • Angel Date
    Nov 28,2014


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  1. Tommy, this is a hard day for your mom. She tries her best to hold things together. Sit beside her today and hold her hand.
  2. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Nathan. The angels will sing for you. Share that as whispers with your mom today.
  3. Lesley, I read your post about your daughter and her grief and it sounds so much like mine. Heather doesn't talk much about her grief or her loss and I wish she would. She still finds it hard just to bring something up. It is not that she doesn't miss him but she just cannot handle it. I hope that changes. She does have a couple of pictures of the two of them on her dresser and she asked for some of his ashes so he could be with her but I too have learned to let her talk if she chooses. I talk about Michael to my granddaughter frequently. When we were just there, we were playing with bubbles and any of them that went up high were for Uncle Michael and the angels to play with. He only got to love her for a short time and he is her only uncle.
  4. Krider75, I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin. Trying to help your aunt is such a compassionate thing to do. These early days are just plain brutal. Being there for her is a good thing. That time is such a blur for me. I remember I went outside to rake leaves because I wanted to be alone and with the sky above me I felt I was with my son. People came and went, bought food but I don't remember much. I spent a lot of time in a chair by myself. My daughter and her family were here with me and at the time my 1 1/2 yr old granddaughter would toddle in and sometimes just sit on my lap. I do agree with all the other advice. Your aunt needs someone to just do the background things and get her to eat even if it is only peanut butter crackers and drink water. She may not realized she needs something but that is a help. And yes, she wants to hear people talk about her son. And when the services are done and people fade away (and they will) say his name and tell a story because memories help. When she feels it she will always be welcomed here as are you.
  5. Susan, thanks for sharing all of the pictures. You are fortunate to be surrounded by so many caring people who loved John David and care so much about you to envelope you in their memories of him.
  6. Lou anne, such a brave step you have taken to get your thoughts and recollections out regarding Kira's time. “Letting go gives us freedom."Thich Nhat Hanh ---and that doesn't mean freedom from all of the beautiful memories and feelings you have for Kira. But, those thoughts have been spinning and spinning in your head and your heart holding on to your very soul. You will always yearn and mourn Kira but the beautiful memories of her are waiting to help fill your heart. You can stop punishing yourself with the "what ifs" like Susan says above. Making other choices would not have changed that day and as a mom that has to be the hardest thing to accept. The hardest thing to face is that you cannot change what happened no matter how many times you relive this in your mind. Kira knows her mom would have moved heaven and earth to stop this from happening but as hard as it is for us moms, sometimes we just cannot "lift that car" with superhuman strength. I am a big believer in "visuals". I use them alot. Maybe it will help you. Sure, there will be the sad days and the bad days. -----Pick a favorite comforting spot and have a conversation with Kira. Tell her about your thoughts and get it out there--just you and her---and with divine intervention. I am thinking and hoping you feel Kira put her arms around you and hug you and tell you she always felt your love and will always be in your heart.
  7. Trevors_momma, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all to well. . When a child dies, no matter what age, our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. This grief process is one long, emotional roller coaster. Your loss is so recent and raw. You have lost your son and have a new baby granddaughter to envelope in your difficult loss. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you. You have come to a good place. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life. You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. Sharing with others who have walked this path can also help. The path is never straight forward. Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD> SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD." I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still. Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come. There is not a morning that I wake (an sleep is not always a willing action) that I do not think my son is gone. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. Please join the Loss of an Adult Child. It is the most active forum in this Loss of a Child and there are many parents interacting. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready. We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.
  8. Lou anne, really such good advice you and all of us (especially me for sure) have been given. While I have set backs--most recently--- I have worked and worked and, by some miracle, have felt moments of hope. My children are (were) adults when we lost my son. But during that time that I know as never ending sadness, I read a post on another site about "the left behind child". It was written by a girl who had lost her brother and was trying to deal with her own grief but she related at how a couple of years later she was still feeling that her parents thought of her as their leftover child. She related a lot about how no matter what happened to or for her, her parents always made her feel that it was sideline important. I swore to myself that I never wanted my daughter to feel like that even though she is a grown woman and mother. I recently returned from visiting my daughter and her family and I admit I felt like an "outsider". My fault?---maybe--- circumstances?--maybe--human nature?--- I will give that a probably..... but I do know that my daughter deserves to have a mother, my husband, a bereaved father, deserves to have a wife and ----whoa--this is really hard for me to say--- I need to be the catalyst. I will always mourn and grieve for the lost we (my family) have all suffered. Not a day has gone by that my first thought is that my son is dead. I am not the same person I was before 11/28/14. I never can be. I work really hard to keep Michael with me in my heart and thoughts and that will never EVER change. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Both of my parents are gone and I never knew grief. I swore my kids would have a better family. I still need to keep that promise to my daughter. I am far from strong---I don't sleep well,I don't eat well (lost weight but not a bad thing) I stay home most always. But I have struggled to find small shards of hope. In all we have come to know you here, you are a very, very good mom. You loved Kira with everything you have and sadly there are just some things we cannot protect them from. It is not your fault. You love your boys and no matter what their age they love and need you--even your new lawyer. And here is the really hard part---you need to be you. You will not be the same person you were before Kira's loss but you are learning who the new you is. You will make it. Kira is right beside you shining a light on the path.---and your grief friends will hold your hand whenever you need it.
  9. Dee, Lesley, Gretchen, thanks for your help in helping me understand. I have been in such flux as to my feeling but I appreciate knowing the potential whys and wherefores.
  10. Laurie---that poem you posted is so beautiful. I am sitting here sobbing-- but in a way that gave me a good feeling for my son...missing him more than I could have ever thought possible but putting my belief system in place to KNOW he is with us. I so needed that. I've been a little sad and withdrawn and trying to figure out why and get back into the daylight. We just returned from 3 weeks in Wyoming with my daughter and her family. As odd as that sounds I think that might have something to do with it. I love seeing my daughter and granddaughter but if felt like I was an odd piece of the puzzle and it made me think so much about losing Michael. I am not sure that makes sense...She says just looking at me makes her sad..so she has chosen to handle her grief in her own way. I respect that. And it is not that we do not interact...Maybe it is because when we are together I feel that missing piece. My granddaughter turned 4 in June and she is quite the little girl. We took long walks with her "baby", We played basketball---ok I stood and threw the ball to her!---, played puzzles, watched music videos (ok, she loves her music just like her Uncle Michael), read bedtime stories and had a good visit. So many times she told me how much she misses me. All sounds good and right so I am not sure why I felt so down. Maybe because like Dee says above: Maybe that is it. I guess I will see how it works out. We came close to (all) moving to Sarasota as my SIL came so close to getting a transfer but it fell through. Maybe it was a cumulation of things....so Laurie, your poem came at the right time
  11. I do not think interacting with this grief forum is "indulging" and sorry you had that said to you, Lesley. I think your presence here has helped you and all of us, definitely me, and hope you do not turn away. I have always found comfort, compassion and every day communication to help me, bolster me, whatever you want to call it. All of you who have been here for so long offer so much even without putting it into words. The new ones who have found their way here contribute by reminding me, certainly, of where I have been and where I am. I tried to stay away after my "incident" a month or so ago and I was lost without my BI friends. I think that whether your loss is a day or over a decade, being with those who "understand" this loss is the best thing that has happened to me.
  12. Sandy, thank you. I am just trying to get to a "better place" and understand that things hit grievers differently. This forum has been a lifeline for me and those who have helped me, like yourself, can never be replaced or forgotten. Margo, glad your surgery is behind you and you can be on the other side of healing. Prayers sent your way for a good outcome on your PET scan. Sort of feeling a little alone and anxious as things just seem to be crumbling. Feeling a two steps back kind of time and no identifiable triggers for it.
  13. Georgina, I am sending the most positive thoughts and prayers for your recovery. I, too, am a sepsis survivor. It is a long haul. My infectious disease doctor could not believe I was able to even talk during that time. I had a blood pressure of 46/30 and was in Intensive Care for quite a while. But I got better. I know you will too. James and Peter are walking with you. We are all with you. I beat the odds and you will too.... our boys would not let it be any other way.
  14. John David, with all the love being sent to you today,share a special sign with your family and take them into your heavenly embrace.
  15. Susan, a very special family to gather for a very special man.