GinaL, My mom passed away over a year ago and she lived with my husband and I for the last five years and I thought that I have handled things very well at the time of her service and told myself she was better off and many of the same things that you have told yourself because I watched my mom suffer with some health issues. I've try to stay busy but I have come to realize that I have not allowed myself to grieve for her; I am angry, and I have a sadness that is so deeply rooted. My mom has always been there and I cannot ever remember a time she wasn't there for me and she was my support system, my best friend and loved me when I didn't love myself and I feel so empty and alone. My mom passed away at home and it was on a Saturday and she had not been feeling well that week and I wanted her to go the hospital but she didn't want to and we talked that Friday night and I told her we were gonna go to the hospital Saturday morning and I got up early that morning and peaked in on her and laid back down and then my husband thought she had fallen on the floor and I knew when I touched her but didn't want it to be so. We called for an ambulance for her and I am screaming at the person on the phone and they talked to me and told me to give her CPR and I did and I couldn't save her or bring her back and I feel so much guilt because I feel like being her daughter, I should've been able to save her and that plays over and over within. This month is her birthday and we'd always do something special and she'd fuss at me but I just wanted to make her day special. I have had all types of thoughts to be with my mom again and all I want is her back and I just can't accept that she is not here anymore.I still just feel so lost and I am not sure how to go on. I am reaching out also for those that have been there and because I have held all this inside and have not talked to anyone about how I have been feeling because so many see me as this strong person but I am broken inside and have faked being ok for far to long.