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About Khyris_Mommy

  • Rank
    Just Another Heartbroken Mama
  • Birthday 10/23/1990

Contact Methods

  • Website URL

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    United States
  • Loss Type
    My 19 month old drowned at daycare.
  • Angel Date
    October 18, 2014


  • Occupation
    Nurse Assistant
  • Interests
    Baking, writing, reading
  • Last Name
  • First Name
  1. I'm surprised I'm still alive right now...

    Oh hunny....I am so so sorry :'( my heart absolutely breaks for you :'( I can't relate to anything other than the loss....it is horrible...I can't imagine having to deal with so much on top of it as you have. I don't know you, but want you to know that I am SO proud of you. You are such an inspiration. You have made amazing strides, you are an amazing mama, and I pray you will have your kids back soon. **huge huge HUGE hugs** I don't get on here very often, but will be watching out for you when I do...if you need to talk in a pinch (sometimes replies take a bit on here) my email is kksj519@gmail.com, goes straight to my phone. Keep your chin up mama.
  2. Work and Medication

    I did go to therapy....but I made her cry....and then she quit...She told me she understood and I completely unleashed on her (this was one week after the funeral) turns out she really did understand...her baby passed from SIDS at three months...so that pretty much ruined therapy for me. My job fired me during my 7 week "break" so now I'm staying at home with my 4yo while hubby works, but it's not enough and I'm going to have to find work. We are also about to lose our house, which is terrifying for so many reasons...not cuz we can't find anywhere else, but because so much of Khy is in these walls. The thought of leaving the house is scary...to go to new walls without handprints and chocolate smudges freaks me out. The only physical prints of her are here, handprints on mirrors and windows, stains in the carpet that (despite many attempts) have never come out. It's a very sad scary thing. Everything keeps getting worse. I did start taking Lorazepam as a PRN for anxiety, and it helps take the edge off when needed, but am still feeling very very broken. I don't think I've gotten out of bed on time to have Khaily to school on time more than a handful of times since October (which makes me feel AWFUL because she loves school so much) It's all still just...a lot. And it feels like it's getting worse with time, every day now is more confirmation that she's really not coming back.. They put her headstone in last week, and that ruined the whole week for me. I haven't even bothered to do dishes since then. So final. So very very final.
  3. Happy Birthday to You???

    I survived. Barely...but I survived. We did a family dinner and balloon release. I forced myself to make cupcakes. By far the hardest day so far. Now....to deal with the 6 month mark this month....this is all so hard :'(
  4. Work and Medication

    I was given the option to either take time off or lose my job. My doctor prescribed Zoloft. I have been taking it for three days and I feel like a zombie. I still feel the hurt, it's still hard to breathe, but I can't show it. I can't cry. I have tried. I hate feeling like this. I would rather go back to bawling at the drop of a hat than to walk around like this and not be able to let it out. I don't know what to do. I know that if I continue the way that I have been, my job will be gone when I go back in seven weeks. BUT I know that I can't continue this medication and come out the other side...I know that if it shut everything off so quickly, when I come off of it it's going to be worse than before. I don't know what to do. I am considering looking for another job, because I think that a complete change of scenery would maybe help. I have so many memories of her at my current job. I was working there when I got pregnant, and I was at work when I got "the call." She played in my office, I have her scribble art on the wall. But at the same time, this job has been my home. I work with some of my best friends, and I fear that starting a job with people who don't know the situation would be setting myself up to fail.. At least where I am now, they know what happened and they know that there are good days and bad. I also fear starting another job because if I'm up front and tell them (essentially) that I'm an emotional wreck, I lost my daughter 4 months ago, they will see that as a possible risk for attendance problems and functionality. I am so lost. I know that I have to continue on with life, I know that with me being stuck in this rut my family is suffering because I can't function and am now on leave from work, I know that there is nothing that I can do to bring Khyri back and by being in this awful dark place I am only hurting myself and my family including my daughter who is still here, but I am SO scared to let go. I'm afraid that the minute I stop living in October, I'm going to forget her. Like she wasn't here. And that's my worst fear. She was here. She was real. She is my baby. And I feel like moving forward would be betraying her. Please help :'( :'( :'(
  5. Drowning

    It's just so...morbid. I know that technically and biologically speaking drowning is the most "peaceful" and "painless" but it kills me to think of my innocent curious litte girl who SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEING WATCHED just bending over to touch the water and plop...gone...like...i can't handle it. I just cant.
  6. Happy Birthday to You???

    Today is three months since the funeral. And I'm thinking alot about her birthday, and dreading it. Her birthday is March 14...she would be two...and I dont know what to do...even though she's not here, it's still the day she was born, it's a monumental day in all of our lives, but I don't know if i will be able to celebrate...I had planned on making her Minnie Mouse cake exactly as if she were here, taking balloons to her, taking cupcakes to the ER and police department, and wrapping a gift and letting my 4 year old open it...but the more I think about it the less I feel like I can do it...I know from the holidays and stuff that the anticipation is the worst part, and I know that I will kick myself forever if I don't do SOMETHING...but....what?
  7. Hey everyone...long time no see...went on hiatus for the holidays.... After Khyri left, Jason got us a dog...so I would have a small thing to snuggle and so Khaily would have someone to play with.... Today, while Jason was doing laundry, Spencer (our dog) ran under his feet, and Jason stepped on him. He seemed fine after, played with us, ate dinner, snuggled...after dinner Jason and Spence went outside as usual, and Spencer died on Jasons lap, appearantly of an internal bleed. So now, in less than three months, Khaily has lost her sister and her dog, and we have lost our daughter and our dog. What am I supposed to do? How do I handle this with Khaily? How do I handle this with Jason? He is so guilt stricken that he is at the cemetery visiting Khy right now...which wouldnt be a big deal but it's after 1AM and freezing here in Idaho. I'm so lost. It's so hard to have to be the strong one through everything. Please help...I'm hanging by a thread... Khaily and Spencer Khy Khy's sleeping place
  8. I brought up the Christmas box from teh basement tonight. Khyri's stocking, still soft from only having been used once, was the first thing I saw. Right underneath that was her "baby's first Christmas" ornament. I feel so robbed of not getting to have these memories with her, not being able to show her the lights or have hot chocolate with her...we went to look at lights last year but she was only nine months old...so she didnt care and therefore slept through the whole thing. I feel awful trying to be "merry" wihtout her. I know she would love it all, and she would hate to see us all so sad...but it IS sad...she should be here...she was perfectly healthy, she wasn't in any pain or sick or anything. She just wasnt being watched. And now she's gone and she shouldn't be and I'm so MAD...which is such an ugly feeling to have at Christmas. Talked to the detective today who told me they still arent going to release her clothes becuase the investigation is still open...so frustrating...I just want to love Christmas the way that I used to, and it breaks my heart to know that for the rest of my life my favorite time of year will no longer be my favorite because of someone else's negligence. Someone else, someone who I trusted with my kids' lives, ruined every single holiday for me forever, took a piece of my soul that I can't get back, and while she is hugging her children and opening gifts and singing and watching Christmas movies with all of her children, I will be forcing myself to do all that while choking back tears with Khaily because Khyri is gone. It's just not fair. For all you who it's not as fresh for.....how am I going to get through this?? Does the Christmas spirit ever return? Or will it always be a sad, tainted holiday?
  9. Barely making it from one day to the next

    Hi Lynn...I am very sorry to hear of your loss...I lost my daughter Oct 18th, she fell into the canal at daycare....I feel your devastation. You will find this group of people to be an amazing support...though there is nothing we can "do" for eachother, sometimes you just need to be around people who know what you're talking about instead of being around all the "I'm sorry" and "i can't imagine..." I agree with wanting to slap the cliche sayers...the "time will heal" and the "better place" and the "you'll see her agian someday" really mean nothing when you've got this raw open wound..."someday" is no comfort when the time between now and then is so undefined. I'm only 24, my daughter was 19 months..."someday" for me is anytime between 20 seconds from now and 60 years from now...very non-comforting...people mean well, but their well wishes do nothing for the things they dont understand. I have a four year old daughter still with me, and I can tell u from honest knowledge that if you pour yourself into your sweet grandbaby it won't fix it, but it'll make the moments where you can't breathe a little bit farther apart. I don't know if you are on facebook at all, but there are some groups on there that I've joined as well and it's amazing the new "families" that we find through this unfortunate common bond we all share. One of my favorites on there is called "Mommies to Angels" and it's for all ages of kids nd all kinds off loss. There is also "My Child is In Heaven" and "my child did exist" and "bereaved mothers" Which is actually my personal favorite of all of them. If ever you need anything we are all here, and if you are a facebook user feel free to look me up, it's attached to my phone so i'm available to be a listening ear any time day or night my name is Sky Buck, my profile picture is of my sweet baby girl. God be with you honey...this is no easy feat in general, but it's a lot harder without HIm. *hugs*
  10. Grief Poems Writings & Songs on Loss of Child: Feel Free to Share Yours

    I wrote this tonight after purchasing the tree for Khyri's grave. I wasn't going to share, but I know that I'm not the only mama feeling it, and I know this is a safe place, I hope it helps even one other person know they aren't alone in their thoughts. Twas two weeks before Christmas And all through the house A heartache was looming No laughter could douse A tiny tree sat In the corner with care Cuz Mom wasn't ready To take it out there To that cold little grave Dirt still in a heap Where so often she'd go To ponder and weep Her baby lay sleeping So quiet and still Taken to soon And against Mommy's will Her stocking still hung Like the Christmas before And Mommy still hoped She would come through the door This Christmas would be Unlike any other And so flowed the tears Of the heartbroken mother "She'd love all these lights," She thought to herself As she thought of their plans For the elf on the shelf What would she wish for? And what would she wear? Would she want to make cookies? Or would she not care? Would she watch the TV shows? Or just fall asleep? When she got to see Santa Would she laugh, run, or weep? Mama's heart broke As she thought of it all And prayed as she let Another tear fall "Please, God, if you could," She prayed into the night "Give my angel a kiss, And sweet dreams tonight."
  11. Margo- I do not know what exactly losing ones mind means...but I would venture to guess that whatever it is, we've all come close...I wonder every day if I'm going crazy...just with some of the things I do, sleeping with her blanket, keeping one of her socks in my purse, writing her letters knwoing she can't read them...day to day life without her feels like losing my mind all the time... As for Christmas...we still have to do it for our 4 year old...it would devastate her to lose sissy and Santa in the same year </3 and it's so hard...I went and bought the tree to take to Khyri's grave today and completely fell apart...it's SO hard...I haven't even started Khaily's Christmas shopping yet because I don't know if I'll make it through without having a breakdown in the store...movies and Chinese would be soooo much more fun..at least for this year...
  12. New

    Hi leilani...so sorry for your losses...I lost my 19 month old in October, and I can't even wrap my mind around tomorrow yet let alone 6 years from now. *hugs*
  13. New here

    Hi Christine. My biggest problem when I started on here (its only been a couple weeks) was that I didn't know if I was going to find anyone to talk to..so I just wanna reach out...I'm on here at least once a day, and I will talk to you...or if it's easier to talk privately you can find me on facebook (Sky Buck) or let me know and I'll give u my email address..I have found a couple people in the world who are easier to talk to than others and some conversations you just wnat private, so know that the option is there. I am so sorry about your little girl. None of us should have to go through what we've been through. I don't like re-typing my story all the time, i find it depressing to constantly relive the details, but if you'd like my blog is http://angelbabykhy@blogspot.com I also recommend starting a blog to EVERYONE. These forums are great for talking to people and getting it out, but a blog is like a diary for the times when you jsut dont want anyone to talk to back....gets it all out, and will be there forever. Just a thought.
  14. Christmas Traditions

    Thanks Kate. We have always done an ornament every year, she got her first last year, and this year I bought her one that is cute little zebra striped boots...zebra was always mine and her thing...and I think I'm going to get some of those clear ones and make some "Khyri" ornaments with pictures and stuff with my 4 year old so kind of a memorial Christmas craft...I'm just worried about her stocking...I'm dreading it...I've heard people say that they write their babies a letter every year and put in it, and I have a friend who still stuffs her sons and then just lets her other kids have it...I just don't know. I'm worried that my angel baby will look down and feel left out watching her sister on that morning...I just dont know... </3
  15. Christmas Traditions

    I'm having a hard time today with tomorrow being Thanksgiving, not because of tomorrow but because after tomorrow all the Christmas starts. She was here last Christmas. I've been thinking a lot about her stocking. I don't know what to do with it. I'm going to hang it with everyone else's, but I can't stare at it empty, and I can't stare at it full...anyone have thoughts on this?