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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Plimsole

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  • Loss Type
    Loss of my amazing husband
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  1. EXTREMELY suicidal!!

    Hi, I'm sorry you've found yourself here. I know only too well what that dark place is like and the feeling of helplessness and like there is nothing left to live for. Something has to change. When you are at the bottom there is only one other way you can go. Do you have a lot of support? Can you see another psychologist / counsellor? It's very important to get help. Can your friends / family help in anyway? I didn't have the support that I needed. I've had to become thick skinned and realised its up to me because I have been shown that I can't rely on others. If I can't do it, it'll be the end of me. Has your psychologist justified her reasons for dropping you? Maybe your situation was too much for her to deal with in a way that was best for you. How long were you seeing her for? Please don't give up. There will come a day where you see some sunshine.
  2. I lost my husband and the will to live

    Don't feel bad about coming here to release your thoughts and feelings. That's what this site is for and we all get it. It's times like this, you soon get to know who is there for you, and sadly some people in the real world just won't live up to what you need. Some people can try to place themselves in our position and offer compassion. Others can't and won't even try. They simply won't get it until they experience it for themselves. Those memories you talk of are yours and yours forever Tish. Nobody can take those away from you. There's only one other person who shares that with you and that's your husband - what a bond! These are the things that help you in meeting again (that's what I believe). I understand what HeyJude is saying too. Once we leave our physical earthly bodies, we have no desire for physical things. We lose any negative emotions we have and are in a place engulfed with love and peace but I believe we can only go there when it's our time. I fear that if I try to go before my time, I may somehow mess something up and risk not ever seeing my husband again, so I'm trying to be patient, but by goodness, it's hard. Do you have any beliefs of your own? I'm very concerned about your emotional state because you're 10 months on and I see a lot of loneliness, anger, frustration and pain in you. Although there aren't any support groups in Mauritius, is there anyone you can talk to? I mean face to face? Or someone who can just sit with you and say nothing? A friend or counsellor? What do you feel you need in the way of support? It crosses my mind too that it would be too difficult to get close to people in case they leave too. Try to be your own best friend. Learn to really love yourself. Stop for a second and look inside. Watch your breath and place your attention on different areas of your body and really feel what those areas are feeling. Are your fingers tingling? Does your back ache? Do you have any pains, itchiness? If so, what happens to it if you don't move or scratch it? While you're doing this, you're in the now - in this moment. You're not looking to the future or to the past and for the few moments that you're directing your attention to theses things, you're not thinking about the emotional pain you're in. For a moment, your mind has had the chance to "switch off". You desperately need some time off from the pain you're in. Take what you want from anything anyone writes. You might think what I write is a load of old rubbish, but if there's even just one little sentence that helps you, then it's worth it. I do understand the pain you're in. I just don't have the courage that you have to write it down, because it makes it even more real and I'm in a lot of denial.
  3. It's not just the grief

    Hi LouiseMarie. I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you feeling? Are you adjusting? Its so easy not to get round to doing a will because we assume we'll live a long life as we are forever. I do hope you will receive everything as his long term partner? Banks, lawyers, credit card companies etc.....it's all just business for them. The lack of humanity from them makes you wonder how people can sleep at night. I'm glad you've got good friends to support you. Do you have family to support you too? I find that my friends don't get it and some of them have too much fun in their own world to notice the pain I'm in. I hope you're healing. Take care.
  4. I lost my husband and the will to live

    Again Tish, I fully relate to what you're saying. I too wasn't ready for children even though we'd been together so long, but in the few weeks before his death, I finally felt ready and he was ecstatic. I feel that not only have I lost my husband but I've lost the chance of every having a family. I've lost my in-laws and I've lost a lot of "friends". I've never felt so alone and abandoned in my life and I feel really angry at my husband for leaving me like this and putting me through this. But the anger is only hurting me. It's difficult to overcome and view things from a rational perspective because it hurts immensely and doesn't make any sense. I see the same things on Facebook, everyone enjoying themselves. It hurts. Are these people lying when they say they miss him too? How can they move on so quickly? Because they are on a different spiritual level to us. Your frustration makes me think that you are caring and considerate of other people's feelings, and you can't understand why all these other people's lives aren't stopping too. So, why can't these people be considerate to the amount of pain you are in? Sadly, people often don't take notice of what is happening round them if it doesn't affect them directly. You're in the middle of this. Everyone else, even his relatives, have a life outside. Your love with him is strong. You're showing us all here by what you write. He might not be here physically anymore, but he wouldn't have left you completely alone. You might not be getting the support you need or want from those who you did expect to be there for you, but he will put strangers in your path who WILL help you. I'm not religious at all, but I do believe there is more out there. Often I look at the stars to remind myself that we can't see everything. There is far more beyond the stars that we can see in the sky and it goes further than we can imagine, and so do our souls. Your husband has another purpose to fulfil and once you are finished your purpose here, you'll move on too and join him. But only when it is time. Do you have support from your family? When I say support, I mean unconditional support? Are you receiving counselling and help with day to day things? Are you getting out and managing to "live"? I know what you're going through. Mine is a different man, but the same intensity of pain. A pain I never imagined could ever exist. I can't imagine ever feeling "normal" again. You're not alone, so don't think that you are.
  5. I lost my husband and the will to live

    Oh Tish, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take away your pain somehow. You must know that your husband wouldn't have left if he'd had a choice. I lost my husband a few months after you did. I've never felt pain like it. I'm not sure if it's the age we're at that makes us feel even more cheated, but I feel like my husband didn't complete our promise to grow old together. Do you have children? I don't and I feel like my pain has been completely dismissed because I don't have. I'm sure you understand the feelings of abandonment and feeling impossibly alone. It's difficult to take in that the one person in the world who we can fully rely on and trust isn't here to help us when we really need it the most. I understand the occasional frustration and anger at your husband. I do the same but deep down I know he would still be by my side of he'd had a choice. We had plans for the future that he was excited about. But it still crosses my mind as to why on earth he would do this to me. Just leave me like this with not only the grieving, but all the other stressful stuff that has come with it. I have very little support and I feel so so lonely and sometimes I just think it's all his fault. Where is he now? Why isn't he trying to do something to make this easier for me? I've already had the line about being young enough to find someone else. Really?? Why do so few people understand or even attempt to? Why is it acceptable to the rest of the work that we are alone? Why does the world move on so quickly when our worlds have stopped completely? What gets me through each day is the hope that just maybe tomorrow will be my day to go. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through one more day then it will be the end. Even if it's not, it's one day closer. I'm sorry you're going through this. Nobody should have to ever feel this level of pain.
  6. How do I live without my heart?

    Hi bunnyanddove. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. Your fiancé sounds like he filled your life with pure joy and happiness. It's difficult when not only is the love of your life taken from you but the realisation hits you that life will never be the same. Your whole future plans are gone. It feels like everything you worked towards as a team is no longer an option and like you suddenly lose your identity. Your heart is broken and in your mind, there's no logical reason for it, especially if there was no warning. I get it. I understand the pain of suddenly being alone. I have so many people in my life who don't understand and they carry on through life and expect me to just move on too. Sadly, I feel they'll never understand the intense pain, the emptiness, the confusion, the fear of the future until they encounter their own loss. Suddenly you have to wake up alone and everything you do, you do alone. There's a jealousy that appears when you see other happy couples, especially when they're the friends who don't understand. I've had the same comments, about how I'm young enough to meet someone else and like you, it makes me feel sick. I simply want my husband back. I won't say that you'll fully heal because I don't know if that is true. But I'll say that you'll adjust. You won't move on, but you'll move forward because that's what time does whether we like it or not. How are you getting on with the counselling and support group? Do you have the support you need from your family and friends? Take care and keep posting. Everyone in the 'loss of a partner' section gets it.
  7. Confused?

    Hi Meg I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm disappointed that your parents have told you you're not welcome. Are you still staying at home now or have you had to move? I can't imagine how that level of rejection feels for you, but you can either be what they want you to be or be true to yourself and find your own path. If you become what you want, then you'll only make yourself miserable and at the end of the day, it's your life. You need to live it for you. They can't live their lives through you. You see this in other situations where parents push their children to have the career they want, but it's just pushy parents trying to live their dreams through their kids I stead of allowing them to discover their own path. Sadly, some parents are more concerned about how their children make them look to the outside world rather than their children's happiness. I'm not close with my family and I wish I'd had the strength and self esteem to just be who I wanted to be, but it's not easy when you're living at home. Do you have support from your siblings? I do hope your parents will come round to accepting your choice. Surely they can't be comfortable with the feeling of possibly losing their own child to their prejudicial thinking? Do they see your choice as some sort of sin? Is that what religion does? Punishes and discriminates people for being the person they feel they are? As long as you're not harming anyone or doing anything damaging or illegal, then who's to choose what's right for you apart from you? You're an adult! Have you spoken to them since your post? I know you're grieving because essentially, you're either losing your parents or losing your identity. Sadly, your parents are making you make a choice. I do hope they can accept you for who you are and that you find your happiness. Take care.
  8. Happy Christmas to the suffering

    Same to you Ritchie_uk. Take care
  9. Maybe it will help to tell my story

    Newhor1zons, I'm sorry you've gone through all this. I know from my own experience how it feels to be left with all the paperwork and legalities. I too need need to move and its all an added hassle that we don't need when we should simply be grieving. Life is thrown completely upside down. It all feels very unfair. Have you discussed what you need your step kids to do to help? Do you get on well with them? You're clearly feeling isolated and even abandoned. If you need to sit there and cry, do so. I understand the feeling of wanting answers and a solution straight away, but there's nothing we can do to make it arrive quicker. I wish I had a solution for you, I really do. But just know that people are here who understand anytime you need to vent. Take care.
  10. It's not just the grief

    Are you having a panic attack when you feel the need to get home? I've had lots of them since it happened. I have them in the mornings when I wake. The realisation of what has happened this me again. I often have them in busy places. 2 days ago, I went into fight or flight mode in the supermarket and had to just leave. I felt this intense panic suddenly come over me. I understand what you mean by having no fears now. It feels like our whole world has been taken away and that we have nothing left. I have no fear of death and can't wait for it to happen. I know that if the case were to come up where I had something such as cancer, I wouldn't take treatment because I don't want to be here too long. It feels somewhat selfish of me saying that when there are people out there who sadly have incurable diseases and would love nothing more than to live a long life, but it always seems to be the same where those who have lots to live for are taken early and those who do not are left here for a long time to suffer. I accept that this is perhaps my karma. You will meet him again - it might be 20 years from now, it might be 20 hours. For now, you just need to breathe. What gets me through each day is the thought that just maybe tomorrow will be my turn to go. It sounds morbid to most people but I have nothing left in this world. The passing of our partners has shown us just how short and unpredictable life can be and we need to learn from it and appreciate what we have now in every moment. As bitter and sad as we may feel, we need to somehow accept that what we do have is precious. You have your daughter - that's a wonderful blessing and to know that she came from a love with your husband is even more so. How long were your together? You were lucky enough to have spent all those years with him. Nobody else got that and nobody can take that or any of your memories away from you. Remember, every moment passes. Each second that approaches passes just as quickly. We'll never get those moments back once they pass so I try to focus on each individual moment. It's not easy but when I remember to do it, it stops me from worrying about the past or the future. I hope you're sleeping. Eat when you can and above all, breathe. Take care x
  11. It's not just the grief

    Ad99, I'm so sorry for your loss. Do you have a good level of support from friends and family? I understand what you mean about not wanting to wake up, but you have to carry on not only for yourself, but for your son too. Slowly, the pain will lessen. I don't think to will ever fully go away, but it will reduce to allow for brighter days. Dr Pat, what I'm so surprised at is how the "others" don't even try to imagine what it's like to be in this position. Their worlds carry on and there is a lack of understanding from people when I try to explain how much I hurt. I'm so disappointed with the world. I've discovered a lot of selfishness in people. I'm so sorry you've had to go through it twice. How did you cope? I am somewhat organised with my filing system, but it's all too much sometimes. I'd like a day off. It's been 5 months of thinking and worrying about things. In the beginning, I just wanted someone to make all the necessary phonecalls for me, but that didn't happen. My feelings of isolation are enforced when people say they can't spend time with me because they and their spouse have to go out and do something. I feel envious that they still have that normal life and someone to share all their problems and burdens with. This is the worst moment of my life and all I want to do is confide in my husband and share my pain, but that's never going to happen.
  12. It's not just the grief

    I lost my husband a few months ago and the pain is just as raw. But I feel so drained, fed up and angry that I can't just simply grieve. It's all the legalities that go with it. The banking, the lawyers, the need to find a new home and rebuild my life. But I'm finding that those who are still lucky enough to have their partners don't get it. To be honest, I could never have imagined how intense the pain is. But the added stress of all the necessities above that need to be done has been left completely up to me to sort. I'd love for someone else to deal with it and let me just collapse and grieve, but it isn't happening. Has anyone else experienced this level of feeling alone? I can't quite grasp just how difficult death is.
  13. I don't know how to carry on

    Inky, I believe that we have to take care of ourselves so that when we do leave this world, we do so because it is our time. I've always believed that if we somehow take our own lives, then we must relive this life again and again until we pass naturally. I believe in reincarnation and know that when I pass, I'll be with my husband again in our next life. We have too strong a connection for this to be the end. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to either. It's just that his physical body couldn't survive. I'm not religious and I'm not preaching, that thought has just always stuck with me. I've thought so many times about ending it as I truly have nothing left. But when the odd thought of rational thinking comes in, I realise that there is a big world out there, that if I choose to, I can try and be part of. I'm not ready to just now, but maybe one day I will have a brighter day. Our husbands have gone away for a while. They have a bigger job to do elsewhere and when the time is right, we will join them. Call it a detachment, redeployment or transfer if you like. Once we have finished off what we need to do here, we will join them. You can't sever a connection by death. Of course, physically they have gone but the love and connection that kept you and your husband together will always be there. And it will guide you back to him eventually. I know you're hurting so much and there are no words to describe the pain. I think it's a pain that only a widow(er) can relate to. I always knew I'd miss my husband and feel lost if anything happened to him but I never imagined pain like this. It's so intense & deep. I was told yesterday by someone that they expected me to be in a body bag soon because I have been so low. I bet your husband was immensely proud to have you as his wife. Macsgirl, I'm sorry that you too have had to find your way here. It's a club that nobody wants to join. I'm not sure what our role in this life is supposed to be. I often wonder as I, like you, just exist. I don't have any special qualities or talents and can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to make me feel like I'm living. Thankyou for finding the strength to send out love and compassion to everyone else here who has their own grief. it's a painful time for us all, including yourself. We'll get through it somehow. I promise. Take care
  14. I don't know how to carry on

    How are you feeling Inky? None of this makes any sense. We don't get married with the thought that we'll be spending some of our lives alone. I don't think anyone can grasp how much losing a spouse hurts until they've experienced it themselves. How is your daughter coping with it? Christmas is going to be tough. I find it hard already seeing all the decorations in the shops, the continuous sound of Christmas songs and everyone getting excited about their family day. I so want to be that happy. Why do we have to be left behind in pain? I'd do anything to be spending it with my husband. Just to carry on with our future as planned. I hope that somehow the pain lessens as each day goes by for you. Look after yourself and please get some rest.
  15. I don't know how to carry on

    Inky, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no amount of condolences that can heal your heart. What you do need is to be looked after. For someone to wrap you up and take care of you and everything for a bit and just let you grieve. Do you have a good support network? I lost my husband earlier this year. Funnily enough his birthday is the same date as your husbands. How did you spend the day? I spent mine crying. That wasn't how I'd planned it. I walked for a short while where we used to go and the day passed somehow. This kind of grief is indescribable. I've never felt pain like it and I'm sure anyone who is bereaved feels the same. I wish I had the answers for you to help you heal but I simply don't know myself. But I do understand what you're feeling, so please know that you're not alone.