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About Everly

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    My dear Mom
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  1. Silver... I'm sorry... 3 years without our Mom's... horrible. Yeah, Oct 6 was the anniversary of my Mom's stroke... how I remember that night... awful. In two days it will be the anniversary of her death. I can't think about it too long, it's still too painful. I really don't look at many pictures anymore or video's, it's just too painful. I miss her and want her here. I so wish I didn't delete all my posts from this forum after I found out my sister was reading them. How I wish I had them... I'd like to read what I wrote three years ago... I'm mad that I deleted them How are you doing? Did you do anything special on the anniversary?
  2. Silver... our anniversaries are coming up So good to see many of you! Lisa, how are you doing?
  3. missdad... I would not worry, you are not going to forget him How could you <3 I think of my Mom every minute of every day, and I still cry often... all the time in fact. I remember her voice, her mannerisms, everything... there isn't one thing I have forgotten. I miss her so. It's okay to not cry for one day... unfortunately we get used to living without them, and the pain may lessen on some days, but don't worry, it's never really that far away I have been to a grief group, and while I think it did help a little, I didn't care for people's responses back to me. I don't really need a stranger to tell me how to feel... so I didn't go long. I do see a grief therapist however, and she has helped me a great deal. There was alot of turmoil with my mother's estate, and my therapist helped me immensely with the pain of that. My sister, and my oldest brother no longer speak to me cause of the estate issues... but yet they stalk me on this forum (I have been told) and they read my posts... don't ask, it's crazy. So I do still see my therapist, I love her.. she has been a tremendous help to me. I don't think any group or any therapist would help you miss your Dad less, it would probably just help direct the emotions in a positive perhaps less stressful way.. at least that's what my therapist does. I'm sorry that it has only been 5 weeks, that is such a short amount of time It was 2.5 years on 4/13/17 for my Mom.. I cannot believe she has been done all this time So do not worry, you will never forget him, ever <3
  4. MissDad... it doesn't matter how old your Dad was in fact maybe when they are older it's that much harder. I think we grow to appreciate life so much more, and the relationships we have with our parents are so precious. My Mom was 80yo 2.5yrs ago and we lost her after she took a new medicine and it made her sick and she ended up having a fatal stroke. It's still so hard to write these words. I am still lost and broken from it. I miss my Mom so much every day... I realize now she was probably one of the only friends I had. I'm sure it feels the same way with your Dad I'm so sorry about you losing him
  5. I'll tell you something... my races mean nothing since my Mom has been gone. I have been running races for years, riding my bike (pedal bike, not motorcycle) for 100's of miles all over. My husband and I have done some cross state tours on our bikes. I also do triathlons and none of them mean anything since my Mom has been gone. She was my biggest fan. After every race, I would call her and she said "your legs are going to fall off kid". I loved to show her my medals and and share my race stories with her. I have a 1/2 marathon on Sunday and I do not want to go. I realized today that the bloom after my race is gone. It was almost like at the end of every race was a flower... and that flower was my Mom. Now there is nothing... just dead space. I just don't have it in me. My husband and I are doing a 1/2 Ironman in June, and I don't have it in me. I finished a full Ironman not even a month before my mother had her stroke... that was my last race that she was proud of. This is only a fraction of how my life has changed since my Mom has been gone, just a fraction I miss her dearly every single day
  6. Athina, let me know how that book is... I always wonder if my Mom would have woken up too
  7. Athina, I am sorry... it's a slow painful gradual reality that sets in over time... but it is very painful. I cried easy for 2 years straight every day... the first year was down right hell, and the second wasn't much better. I know it doesn't help when people say this, but at least you have your Dad You can pour all your love into him.. and give him the best years of his life now. It's nice he hasn't changed a thing.. I hear from so many that their father's remove their mother's belonging's soon after and some every marry and date right away!, that would be very painful. At least you probably won't have to deal with that.. and you and your Dad can grieve together and let it takes it's time.
  8. My older sister died suddenly...

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I know that I do not mean the same to my sister as she means to me ... but I respect you for what you are doing...for what you have done. If anything happened to my sister I would die... but if anything happened me, I'm sure she would not care. Your sister has one wake and one funeral... that's it, and you're putting it on.. that's admirable. I'm sorry about your parents, that they can't be there for you. Be strong, be the adult, take the higher roads... it's what mature and healthy people do. You are doing the right thing.. give her an honorable funeral... love her regardless if she loved you <3
  9. Reader... one thing we all learn in this path of being left behind is "shoulda coulda woulda". It's so easy for us in hindsight to say I should have done this, I could have done this, I would have done this... but reality isn't that way. We do the best we can. We are on here grieving, pouring our hearts and souls to strangers on this online forum because we are hurting that our parent is gone... that we think we didn't do enough.... but in fact, we probably did do enough and then some... we are the ones who care. I'm sure you did enough. It's very hard to be the care giver and do it all... we aren't saints, and we aren't God... we don't get to call life... we don't get to choose when we are born, and we don't get to choose when we die.. and we certainly don't get to choose that for others. ... and on top of all this... 5mo is a blink of the eye in terms of grieving time. I am going on 2.5 years... I'm a bit ahead of you and it's still hard. At 5mo, I was an angry maniac... crying uncontrollably, not working out, only leaving the house to go to work, I hated everyone and everything... and my life was falling apart at the seams. 5mo is nothing. Your mind will calm down in time.. I promise you, but it's probably going to still be a while. I question my mothers care all the time. I wish perhaps I asked her to stop that medicine. I often think we didn't do enough... we should have forced her to go to a different hospital once she got sick... but we kept assuming the docs would figure it out. I often wonder if hospice was the right choice... if perhaps we put a feeding tube in her would she have woken up. I loved my Mom with all my heart... I did everything with her... I called 3x a day... and I still couldn't save her. Let your mind spin... at 5mo it should be spinning... 5mo is not alot of time. Give yourself the time to grieve, let it take it's course. <3
  10. TheGirl... I'm so sorry... hospice is horrible. I know it's meant well, but I hated every minute of it.. my Mom not eating or drinking...it broke my heart. When my Mom was in the hospital in a coma... I have a video where I asked her to blink her eyes, and it looked like she did... but she was blinking them on and off that morning, so who knows if she really heard me. ... but that was the first time she had opened her eyes in the two days since she had the stroke... so I told her what happened, where she was, and that we were taking her home I have it on video tape.. I watch it from time to time, but it's too painful. She had a blood disorder... that happened after the medicine, so even if we did put her on a feeding tube, they said they wouldn't do her blood treatments in her condition... so it would have ended anyway. That medicine surely killed her... 6mo from when she started that damn drug, she was gone. There are lots of people sick from the same medicine, but i have only heard of one other death... and I watch these forums where they think there will be a class action law suit... I will be on that suit if it ever happens. I'm sorry you have suffered as well... it's so painful to lose our Mom's. I still can't believe she is gone. I just got out of the gym today and I just sat in car and thought how much my life has changed. I am now estranged from two siblings... and my Mom is gone. You just never know how your life can change. My cousin is in the hospital, so I am going to take a shower and go see him. He is also in the ICU and sleeps most of the time, but I go anyway and just hold his hand He wakes his eyes from time to time... and I look is his face, and say "hi cousin, it's Everly, I love you <3". I try to live how my Mom lived... she was a very giving person... she gave of herself to many... and she would be up there with my too... my life is so different now... but I choose to use my humanness for good... that is now my purpose. I hope you have a good day TheGirl... know that you are never alone... there are so many who share your pain and I'm always here if you need to chat.
  11. Athina, I'm so sorry... 64 is too young Your Mom didn't have any health issues before the stroke? My Mom was sick for a few months due to medicine, but a stroke was the last thing we thought about... in fact, I never really thought about her passing... I figured we would just get through it somehow It was such a shock when my brother called at 11:45pm that night and said the hospital had called and she had a stroke We all rushed up there and there she was trying to talk... it was horrendous, absolutely sickening to see my mother this way. She fell asleep a few hours later. I remember the nurse waking me up in the waiting room and saying "your mother is declining"... and then MRI's were ordered and it came back that there was no hope... he said "your mother is sleeping"... I said "when is she going to wake up?"... he looked up at me and then down and never "she isn't going to wake up... she's sleeping, your mother is sleeping". What's so odd about all of this is that my mother could never ever sleep... ever. She had such a hard time sleeping her entire life... I thought it was the strangest thing how he put that she was in a coma... in the words of "sleeping". I stayed there 4 days with her, slept next to her bed, video taper her snoring while in her coma... she was sleeping. We had the choice to put a feeding tube in her and take her to a nursing home, but what was the point.. her brain was gone... they showed us the scan.. not that it meant anything but a huge white area of her brain that was no more She could never feed herself, or talk, or walk, or open her eyes again... she would never ever be conscious... so what was the point. We chose hospice which I hate.. but I could not let me mother be a vegetable for the rest of her life, I couldn't. Athina, what happened to your Mom after her stroke?
  12. TheGirl, I am so sorry about your Mom. Your story is not the first I have heard of death after gallbladders. My friends Mom was sick, they removed her gallbladder, she went down hill and died months later. My friends Dad, same thing.. he had gone into the hospital for a minor car accident... and was recovering, when on the day he was to be discharged, they noticed an issue with his gallbladder.... he stayed and they removed it and nothing but complications from that and the poor man passed away 8 weeks later. He was fine just 8 weeks before that!, fine!!!! It's interesting you use the word sludge.. My mother had hepc from a blood transfusion when she was 18yo. They didn't find it until she was 65yo. She had take interferon to halt the virus 20 years ago and she was doing great. In the Spring of 2014, a new drug called Solvadi and Olysio came out that would rid your hepc virus completely. My Mom was her doctors first patient to be on it. She was so excited... what the hell did we know... we figured how bad can a drug be Within weeks she was so sick... she couldn't walk or sleep and it just went down hill from there. We finally admitted her to the ER and they said her blood was basically 'sludge'.. so thick is was barely moving. Ugggh, horrible... it just went down hill from there. She needed platelet transfusions, plasma transfusions... it was a nightmare. She could no longer produce any good blood. She had a massive stroke while in the hospital for blood treatment. I wanted to kill the doctor who put her on that damn medicine. How many times that summer I saw him in her room and I said 'your medicine did this', and he said 'it wasn't the medicine'. ... but it sure was. When she was in the ICU in a coma, I called his fucked up office and told his office that it didn't surprise me that I didn't see his coward ass face there while my Mom lay lifeless... but I'm not sure if I blame him for the FDA. It's all a fucked up mess... these drugs they produce, but then on the flip side, some do save lives, but in my mother's case it killed her. I tried to sue but go nowhere... and between that and the estate madness with my siblings... I didn't have the energy, I just needed to move on and heal. I dropped the lawsuit... and said "**** it, she's gone", what's the point. but I will end with this... modern medicine did give my mother perhaps years of life that maybe would not have been years go. The interferon she took when she was 65yo very well have given her 15 more years than she might not have had without it... I don't know. I have since forgiven her asshole doctor... well maybe not forgiven, but I don't want to kill him, because quite honestly I don't think he meant my Mom harm. I don't think he was negligent. I think perhaps she was the wrong person to take the drug and once she took it, he had no idea what happened and could not go back. ... but there is no doubt, that he did give my Mom years... and there was a time that he was really good to her. So I try to look at the good as well as the bad, or I will just hang myself. Also TheGirl... your Mom's passing is so dang recent... my heart breaks for you. That pain is like no other. I don't know how we heal, but we do... sadly. It's just been a month for you... I'm so sorry. I am always here to chat...
  13. Athina, my Mom had a massive brainstem stroke... it's still hard to write that 2+ years later. My Mom always talked about strokes... but her health wasn't bad until she took that stupid new medicine for her hepatitis C which made her blood thick and a summer of hospital stays and what a nightmare. She had a massive stroke to her brainstem and she fell asleep some hours later and we were told she would never wake up It still pains me so much to write all of this. I sometimes wondered if we did the wrong thing by believing them that she would be in a coma for life and she was paralyzed. ... but I stayed with her for 5 days in the ICU while she slept and never opened her eyes or moved a limb A number of neurosurgeons came into see her and said there was no hope.. so we took her home on hospice and she passed 4 days later. I still don't know if that was the right decision.. maybe she would have woken up So your Mom had an aneurysm? ... basically bleeding in the brain, end result is the same as a stroke... the brain is deprived of oxygen and dies. Just that an aneurysm the blood pretty much suffocates the brain right, where a stroke the blot stop oxygen from getting to the brain.. end result is the same. Athina, I am sorry about your Mom.. it's a pain like no other. How old was your Mom?