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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About budd2119

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  • Birthday 07/25/1984

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  1. Drowning in grief

    March 19 was 2 years since I came home from work to find my wife. I lost myself for several months and I'm still not completely back to me but I have come a long way. Thebest thing for me was to talk about it. I have a motto now and I try to share as much as possible. "Things may get worse, but it CAN always get better." We just have to stay strong and never give up. Just find your way. I'm not good with words but I try. I'm sorry for loss.
  2. I can't express how truly sorry I am for you and your family. It can get better. Get help. It is not your fault. Do sorry.
  3. I agree. To help others with similar losses helps.
  4. Noone understands...

    Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. I hate your daughter is the one that found her. Next week will be 8 months since I lost my wife. I can imagine loosing my son. Unfortunately you will have to be stronger for your other children. They are going through the same thing and will be looking to you for strength. It has gotten easier for me but I still have moments almost every day where I cant control myself. Continue with the counseling. I wish I could give better advise. Sorry again for your loss.
  5. I'm sorry for your loss . It is a tough road face. Just remember through the ups and downs you are not alone .
  6. I just got her phone back. I was able to unlock it and read her messages. I know it was a spur of the moment desicion but now there are more questions. I know what set her off but I can't believe something like that is why she is no longer with us. Its been extremely hard these past few weeks. Last Monday she would have been 29 years old. Tomorrow is September 4. Our wedding anniversary.
  7. losing my ex

    I have to agree with most of that. There is no way I can let go though I wish I could. I am learning to live with all that has happened. We will never understand why they couldn't be saved.
  8. Wow. This was very difficult for me to read. The 19th will be 5 months since my wife's suicide. The one thing j have felt would bring me some peace would be to find and read her journal. She always kept it on her side of the bed. The police said they didn't take it and none of my family members that help me clean up have seen if. She didn't leave a note or anything so I grasp at any possibility that I may understand where here thoughts were. I hope this helps you to move forward.
  9. I'm so sorry your daughter had to see that. One thing I have gathered from all of this is when someone gets to the point they're ready to leave this world, they won't always show the signs. When my wife tried the first time, she called to say goodbye to our son. I overheard what she was saying and took the phone. I made a few calls rushed to her. She was taken to the hospital and pulled through. Over the next year she had some ups and downs. Those last 4 months were the best I had seen her. I remember thinking after years of depression, she was back. I know now that she just got better at hiding to keep anyone from noticing and stopping her. It was the last thing I expected that day. Jac s I truely believe there was nothing you could have done. Don't beat yourself up. There is help for you and your kids. I'm looking for any help I can. That's how I found this forum. Its not fair,but we all must be stronger than we ever imagined.
  10. When I got home she had been dead for over six hours. There is nothing that can prepare you for that sight. I am so thankful my son didn't see her. I hope your children didn't have to see what you saw. I wish I were in a place that I could give some advice.
  11. My wife always had the most beautiful smile. Now its gone. Never to be seen again. On January 3 2013 she attempted to OD but was no successful. She killed herself of Wednesday March 19 2014. She went out to a friends house the night before and stayed. We both were against driving while intoxicated. I woke up on the 19th and got our six year old son off to school. I was getting ready to leave for work when she called asking me to leave the debit card because she needed to get a tire out on her car. She sounded so excited and happy. I was on my lunch when she sent me a text asking me to ask my mom (which lives next door) to pick up our son from the bus.(this was not unusual ) I asked if she found a tire. I never got another response. When I got off work, I went to my mom's house and noticed my wife's car at home. I got my son and went home. From the moment I walked in the door everything felt wrong. We had a wenie dog and she didn't come running to greet me. My son ran to his room instead of mine like he does usually to watch a little TV after school. I'm so thankful he did. When I walked in my room there she was, with our dog laid beside her, dead from a gunshot wound to the head. I was in shock and immediately yelled for my son telling him to put his shoes on, we have to go back to nanny's. I sent him walking while I called my mom before I called 911. I decided not to tell my son. She had a habit of staying gone sometimes so for the time being we told she was sick. Two weeks after, out of no where my son ask me if his mom was dead. Words cannot express the pain that came over me. that question along with other things that mg family and I noticed, led us to believe she said her goodbye to him. She. Didn't leave a note so this made sense. My son still doesn't know any details and I will keep the bad ones from him as long as possible. My wife was the third generation to commit suicide. Her dad and her grandma (on her dad's side) . they all three left this world in just a span of 11 years. What you don't realize when you think you have hit bottom and things can't get any worse, is that in the state of mind your in keeps you from making the best decisions. Since her death I have made many decisions that I believed was not the best. Two months after her death, my mom who has been helping me care for my son, broke her neck and had to have surgery. A week later I was made to step down from my supervisor position. A little more than a month after that I lost my job. I can't help but be mad at her for all of it. What I saw that day, the only woman I gave everything for, laying there on my side of the bed (she was OCD and never strayed from her ways) with my gun. I will never get that image out of my head. I have always been the type of person that didn't get overwhelmed and j thought i could handle anything. I was wrong . I'm not used to having anything disrupt my focus. I have made steps forward. I must do what's best for my son. I won't leave him alone.