Its been over 11 years since my father died when I was 5, I can’t stop crying tonight and I want to be happy. I barely think about it, and when I don't its okay, but every couple of weeks I break down about it, like tonight. It hurts so much that all I have to remember my dad by is his death, I don’t want to be forgotten and it feels like everyone if forgetting him. I don’t know his last words and I don’t have those few seconds when I wake up that I think everything is okay any more like I used to because I no longer have the memories, I'm not even sure I ever did. It hurts so badly and I can’t pretend it doesn’t anymore. I used to think that he died as a punishment for something I have done, or something I will do, but now I feel like he died to push me in the direction of a different destiny, but that doesn’t stop it being my fault. I don’t know him. All I remember is the way he and my mum slept in different beds, the toy I gave him that said ‘My special daughter’ as if they expected him to die, as if they wanted it to be as if it was from him when he died but it wasn’t. It kills me that the only thing I have from him is pain and an image of what could have been. I can’t remember the sound of his voice, I can’t remember the way he smiled and I can’t remember the way he said my name. I can’t remember having two parents or feeling any other way. I feel so utterly incomplete and I can’t do anything about it. When I die, nobody will remember him, nobody will remember me. Every day I wake up and swear that I will work hard and carry on because he would have wanted me to, it would have made him proud and all through my exams I sat with a picture of him while I revised, telling myself what a disappointment I would be if I didn’t but the truth is I am not a disappointment to him because he isn’t alive and he isn’t here. I want to sit by his grave and cry, alone. But I can’t even do that and it wouldn't get me anywhere. When my mum was 16 she was with my dad and they broke up when they moved away.Then when they finally did meet again, I was conceived and I tore apart two families to form one that ended in this. I don’t know any of his friends, or his ex wife. The divorce came through the week he died. All I have is siblings who don’t talk about it, a mother who glorifies him and cries every time we talk about him, if ever, his father who was left broken hearted when the only person he said he ever loved fully died, and his brother, and the only person I have to know what he was like and someone I do not look up to, lets put it that way. I can’t even deal with death at all, the mere mention of it sends me into emotional fits, not in public of course, like now, because it isn’t fair, none of it is. I hate loving him because I am loving something that doesn’t exist, something I know nothing about. Please don’t tell me you understand because I can’t handle that right now, I don't know why it just makes me so angry and I know its selfish and horrible. I can’t keep pretending I am perfectly alright about it for other people’s sakes or because of what they might think because I am not and never have been. I just want to know what I can do to feel better about it, after 11 years it still feels so painful and I have tried talking about it, I have tried everything I can think of.