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drisana

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About drisana

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Logan, Utah USA
  • Loss Type
    Mother died Sunday, 6/15/14 (Father's Day). Father died when I was 19, Janruary 13, 2003

Converted

  • Occupation
    Caregiver and now, whatever else
  • Interests
    ancient history and mythology, writing, making friends.
  • Last Name
    Gray
  • First Name
    Michelle
  • Zip
    84321
  1. Hi Cryss. I just lost my mom last Sunday. (6/15/2014). I was her live-in caregiver for four years. She had a lot of long term health issues-but none were supposed to be fatal-at least not for a long time, say, until she was 80ish. She was only 59. I had talked to her, and it had to of been no more than a 30 minute increment from her talking with me, good colour,.coherent, no problems at all-then dead. I had no preparation for this. Taking care of her was my job. She had just recovered froma common UTi infection that turned septic (ie, the infection spread through the blood, full body infection)> I got her in the hospital, and it took about 4 weeks, to get her home again. They had her doing physical therapy for leg strength etc. She was actually healthier, more fit and functioning-when she passed than all the time I was taking care of her. So, as someone who had no notice, no warning, whose life, whose purpose-expolded around them and out from under their feet-I say be so glad you get a chance to say your goodbyes. Say whatever it is you've wanted to say-any past hurts, all the good times-everything. Because you won't feel like you are doing it, after the fact. even when that is all that goes through your mind all day and night for a time. Prepare-know what she wants for her funeral, anything special she'd want to take with her eve if she is to be cremated-where she wants to be buried, or if buried-what clothing she wants to wear. I know, it seems horrible-and it is. But if you cannot save her-we all pass away, some day-then you can do your best for her and try to make sure her last wishes-would be honoured. I think being able to do that-will hurt like crazy, and it will never be the same again-it will always be different-but if you can know you did the very best you could for her-that will make a ton of difference on how you are able to cope after the initial tears, shock, and deepest of agony starts to fade from the thoughts, when you have to get back to your own act of living for whatever time you have-just as I had to do. But, this is only the opinion of one person, who is deeply in grief, who feels like a scared, lonely 3 year old. My mother and I-we were the only family we had. If I hadn't been here-she would of just been some wierd smell someone reported, or only found when the landlord had to barge in, to see why the rent for the next month hadn't been paid. It would of been, close to three weeks for someone to find her-she never went out much, she didn't want to associate or make friends. So, just my being her-not leaving her alone, and improving the best for her based on our verbal conversations about the possibility-was all I could give her. So take this time to be with her, to tell her you love her-and at times may have been angry with her, for any number of reasons-but that you are okay with that, and still love her and always will. Hug her-hold her hand. Interact all you can. I wish I had some way, some forewarning so I could of had that. I didn't, so please-don't waste it. *hugs* -Michelle
  2. This pain...how do I deal?

    Lex Morgan - I just lost my mother this last Sunday, on Father's Day. I lost my dad in 2003. So i was already, as I s\usually do at such times, missing him. So this for me is painful in multiple ways. First of all i was my mother's friend and caregiver for four years, live in. We talked every day and night. We had some fun. Now, she had a lot of long term health issues-but nothing that was fatal, or supposed to be, for a long time still to come. I had talked to her, not more than 30 minutes before she died. When i next went into her room-she was gone. I found her there. She looked like she had gone peacefully as any of us could hope-but I was devestated, and still am. I feel nothing but this burning pain in my chest that is sheer grief and loss. It is all I can do to stop crying and put on a mask of stoic calm I don'rt really feel at all, because tears upset people. Those who did know us both even seem to think I should be 'bouncing back to normal' any time now-well, I am not. it is all i can do to stop crying and hide' the pain as best I can, to try and keep my voice from cracking and breaking down into tears of agonised loss. I don't understand this culture-everyone loses in time, people they loved and care about (and still do, een with them deceased). Yet-people feel awkward around grief so it makes us feel even worse when we seem to be expected to hide it, to just be 'fine' again, almost the next day. I don't know for anyone else-but I think I will feel this loss for a long time. The rest of my life in fact-al I can do, all I hope, is there is some truth to the saying 'time heals all wounds', and that in time, as the days pass-moment by moment, I can find some peace, some calm, and that the pain in my chest will lessen and that-if there is anything of her out there, 'aware' of whats happened, of what I did-she will know I tried to save her, and that when i couldn't-i at least tried to make her final wishes come true. I rejoined her with my father.there was no will-no end of life plans in writing. But we had talked, and that was the desire she expressed. So i hope if anything of her still knows or will know-it is I tried my best. I did everything i could. I wish, I would trade anything-to have her back. Even my own life. but it doesn't work that way. Logically, I know the stages of grief. I know logically what survivor's guilt is. But logic-in the face of the actual experience-doesn't do asnything to lessen or 'contain' these feelings. You know honestly, the best phrase I ever heard about it was summed up bothin the book and movie "Memoirs of a Geisha'. a totally ficticious book and movie but-there is i\ a part in it, where she goes to the temple and it says "At the temple a poet has writen a poem about loss. Itis three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot write loss, only feel it.". That is, by far-the truest statement about loss I have yet to read. I am sure the inspirational pictures etc will help after a while-but in these fresh stages of grief and loss-no enlightening words will help. All that will help, is having people to talk to-who are going through much the same. Those who are experiencing loss-and feeling it./ No two griefs are the same. No two people are the same. Some people cope easily, some never really get over it. it depends on who they have lost, the connections between them, etc. My grief is not the same as yours-not more valid, and not less valid either. Just different. That said-those who are in similar stages of grief, I think at present-do best to talk to others in the same state. Because they will be hurting too, and won't push you away for expressing feelings, good bad or inbetween-on what you feel. They won't tell you to 'cheer up and move on'. They won't act like everything is perfectly fine. At least that is what i think, but this is just one person's opinion. You have to do what you feel is best for you, and your grief. I just advise-talking to others, like us. Like me. Because then, not only will you not feel so alone-but neither will we. *hugs* Cry. Vent. Talk. Get those feelings out, admit to having them-not to everyone, as I said not everyone can or will want to understand-but to those of us who can and will-some of us have felt like commiting suicide and giving up too when we lose that special person I'vew felt that with this loss. I don't intend to act on it, but what good does it do me to hide it, to bottle it up? It just adds to the weight of my grief. So I am talking, writing, all I can to-I dunno, cope? to have reqason to take the next breathe in? However you want to put it.. Maybe you draw-draw your grief. I write-so i am writing mine, in a personal journl as well as talking to people both near and far, people I've met IRL and people I only know from online. It all helps keep me feeling-sane, human. I hope you can feel not so alone either.
  3. Does everybody know our Facebook link?

    Hi everyone, I just 'liked" the page-but I was unsure as to how to go about posting on it, how to talk to others. The chat room is empty asnd I really need someone who can maybe understand to talk to, just for mutual support and the like. Can someone tell me what I need to do? Thank you. Facebook page: Michelle Jackal (In Logan, Utah USA).
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