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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

dayzed and confused

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About dayzed and confused

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  • Location
    New Jersey, USA
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
    June 3, 2014
  1. Having a horrible time

    Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss. You should not feel bad about taking the anti anxiety medication - you need it right now, and you won't be on it forever. I felt and sometimes still feel like withdrawing from everyone since my mother passed, June 3. I don't know if it is because I can't stand that the world keeps going and yet it is forever changed by her death? When i am alone, I can feel how I am feeling and grieve without any judgment or explanation. I think you owe it to yourself to take the time you need to grieve, you have to feel it to get through it. This was the first time in my life that I didn't know how to cope - how to make myself feel better. I've always been able to find a way.. and not being able to do that is crippling. I will tell you that I am learning how to balance the grief with my life (work, kids, friends) and that you will too. This is all so overwhelming right now, but pray, remember to breathe, and take the medicine you need so that you can sleep at night. Drink plenty of water, and try to escape into a book, movie, music - whatever you need in order to get some relief from the pain. I will keep you in my prayers. Tina
  2. I don't know what I'm feeling.

    Hi, I am really sorry for your loss. I understand the pain you are feeling. I can imagine you weren't expecting to have an intense reaction to your mom's passing, given your history. I had a difficult relationship with my mom, and had nightmares for the first few weeks after she passed. It took me back to my childhood, and the bad memories that came from having an alcoholic mother who did not know how to cope, and a father who dismissed her concerns and worries. While I don't want to make this post about me, I thought I was prepared for my mom's passing. She had been ill for a few years, unable to complete normal daily tasks due to her medical conditions and dementia . While I was able to care for her on weekends and manage the situation with my sisters, it was very, very stressful. Mom eventually died from heart failure after having broken her hip. I was devastated by her death, and I was so surprised by my own emotion. It has been 10 weeks since she passed, and I still am upset when my mind wanders to the image of her body in the hospital bed. I couldn't reconcile the logic to my emotions. Why would I be so upset that mom was finally at peace? I think, in part, I was grieving the loss of myself. My identity - even if you don't have the perfect relationship with your mother, it is a significant relationship in your life. She helped form who you are. Losing your mom when you did not have a good relationship with her, makes you grieve not having had a better relationship with her. I turned to my own daughters and am committed to having the best, healthiest relationship with them that I can. They are both over 18, but you only have one mom. Try to focus on the healthy relationships in your life, and spend time with people who won't make you feel badly for feeling badly. I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you begin to find a "new normal" soon. Tina
  3. Does anyone else feel this way?

    Ditto, CindyJane! Cry, feel your feelings. How else can we heal if we don't let ourselves do that? When people think they are being kind and helpful, they don't realize suggesting alternate ways to feel better can feel like a dismissal of your feelings. As a wise woman on here told me, be gentle with yourself, and do what you need to do to get through it. I had no idea what my friends had gone through, having lost a parent, until I lost my mom. I always thought i was supportive, empathetic and understanding - but NOW I really understand how much pain, loneliness and heartache is attached to losing a parent. Be well, Bri.Comp and take care of yourself. Tina
  4. Hi sweetie (MegRose), I know you feel like you were negative in your post, but I disagree. I think you are doing the best that you can, and I think that is pretty great! I totally understand your frustration with the university. I tell you, once they have your money, they could care less about making sure you are taken care of. I hope the process to get the degree certificate corrected is not too complicated. I am doing a little better myself, I think group meetings and taking the time to feel how I feel without being harsh with myself has really helped. Things still trigger the grief, the loneliness. I am really happy for you that your James has been there for you. I just wish "there" wasn't so far away from home! Maybe the long distance situation will make your time together that much MORE meaningful. I've seen my ex again, this past weekend, and I am really not sure I want to spend time with him again. It's as if, at 35 he does not have the ability to feel and think beyond the surface. I am fine on my own - and do not need to settle. Mom was miserable with my dad for as long as I was alive, but at the end, she couldn't be comfortable if he wasn't in the room. He is trying to move on, and it is difficult because I don't really want to see him. I don't know if it is my way of protecting myself, but I haven't been to see him since he had us remove mom's things. I am not angry with him, but he is trying to do things on his own, and I am trying to support him as best I can while checking in on him by phone or email. I hope you are doing better today, and I hope your dog starts to be more of a companion. He looks pretty comfy in your pic! I am a lone much of the time, but that is okay with me. I started crocheting a blanket and it is very calming for me right now. Take care, and please check in when you can!
  5. Life seems to change faster than we are ready for it to change. Learning to cope with the uncertainty and pain and hoping to put good things out into the universe.

  6. She jumped from an overpass....

    Jennifer71, I cannot believe your story! The shock, guilt and pain is evident in your post. I hope that you have a good support network to help you through this crazy time. I know you may want to be there for everyone else, but please, please take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve and feel all the anguish and anger and craziness that you need to in order to begin healing. I wish I had more words to comfort you. I think it's great that you posted on here, and I hope you find the community to be as helpful, kind and nurturing as I have. Keeping you in my prayers, Tina
  7. It is sad, I know that disappointment. You want to be closer to your siblings, because you feel as if they will be the only ones who feel the same way you do. You all lost the same important person in your life, so it makes sense. I am so sorry for all that you have been and are going through. It must have been wonderful to be so close to your mother and have such a special and loving relationship with her. That loss is insurmountable, and you are doing very well for two weeks out, I will pray for you to have strength to handle all the emotion and pain, especially as you make the trip back to her home. Your plan to bury some of her ashes in Switzerland sounds beautiful. My mom passed away six weeks ago and I can tell you that the grief alone is great, but being alone in that grief (when the rest of your family doesn't talk about it, or share with you) is also so painful. I'm glad you have come onto this site - it has helped me tremendously through very difficult days. Be safe, take care of yourself and remember that relationship you had/have with your mom, because it lives on inside you, those memories and that bond. Best wishes, hugs and prayers, T
  8. MegRose, Moving out of your flat will probably bring up a lot, as you said your mum helped you move in there, and moving out must just be yet another glaring reminder that she is not with you, physically anymore. That is tough. I am glad you will be with your dad - and I'm sure you're worried about being and feeling alone when he returns to work. What is going on with your boyfriend now that he has to be 200 miles away from you? Is he going to school, or is that just how far school was from home? I think it is good to continue to strive for patience within yourself. There is a lot of change going on for you to adapt to at the moment. Make sure you take the time to take care of you, whatever that means for you. I do not think my ex and I will get back together, I agree, he is leaving in October for Kuwait and I will just be setting myself up for more heartache. I don't think he was a jerk, I just think he is too immature. My daughter's boyfriend was able to be there for her throughout, including the viewing and the funeral. He is 16 years younger than my ex - so it was disappointing for me and my ex that he just doesn't have the strength to be there for me when I really need it. I still miss him, because now we are talking, and I feel very, very alone when my daughter isn't with me. I think I am finding the new normal, some days and times its harder than others. I just try to let myself feel my feelings without judging myself.
  9. MegRose, Congratulations on your graduation!! I am so happy for you, and even happier than you have found some joy today. I'm glad your boyfriend is helping and being supportive with your move. Enjoy the good day, you deserve it. I know you wish your mom could have been there in person, but we can only make the best of what we have, and you have done that. Here's hoping that your job interview turns into something that you actually like. If it's not meant to be, then it won't work out. I continue to keep you in my prayers. I met up with my ex boyfriend last night and we still have a spark - he apologized for not being able to be there for me near the end, when my mom was dying. He thought he could , but he said he found himself ill equipped. He is a good person, trying to cope with the loss of our relationship too. I wish I could be with him right now, but he is going away to Kuwait for the Army in October, for a year so I should probably be careful not to get too invested and end up feeling a huge loss again. Enjoy your success, my dear. Thank you for the offer to private message you if I have a nightmare. That is really so kind of you. tina
  10. Five weeks have passed, and I can say I have actually felt moments of happiness, followed by moments of guilt. Grieving has become the new theoretical roller coaster of my life.

  11. Spent a lot of time alone this holiday weekend, hoping next weekend I can be social :)

  12. MegRose, No worries. Yes, I feel the same way - I withdraw when I need to. When I need to not pretend that everything is okay and just be myself. If I feel like crying, I can -without worrying about how it makes others feel. I wish your mom could have been with you to help you pick out your dress too. I am sure that was a huge moment where you felt her loss even more completely and entirely. Graduation is next week, what a bittersweet moment that will be for you. I pray that you have friends and classmates who help fill the gap a bit, and it seems like you really have a great guy at your side, so I bet he will do something spectacular to help you celebrate. It won't be the same, as if your mom was here, but she would want you to be happy and celebrate your accomplishments. I'm still struggling with finding a way to cope, and I keep having nightmares. Weird ones about spitting my teeth out, and broken glass, The loss of your mom is so profound, its hard to process it. I am trying to be more patient with myself. I get out for a little bit here and there, but I am not ready for big BBQ's or celebrations just yet. I am escaping into Netflix and watching movies and tv shows, but I need to get some exercise in, I think that will help. I find it hard to reach out to the people who have offered to be there for me. I feel like I will just be more sad. I don't get it. I think you should go to a general practitioner and see if they can give you something to help you sleep. It's hard enough to grieve, without sleep - its got to be next to impossible to get through the day. I do have an anti anxiety medication I can take when I really need it. It makes me feel better knowing I have it, even if I don't take it. I meant to get some yarn and a needle. Crocheting always makes me relax. I keep searching for things to make me feel better, but I realize I need to be more patient. Life and society doesn't want to be patient. I think about you when I pray and I really hope you find a way to enjoy your graduation next week. Congratulations:) Tina
  13. Today is the four week anniversary of mom's passing. Feeling blessed for the support I receive and hoping to get through this day without my mascara running.

  14. Dear Shawn, It is so very kind of you to look for help for your mom on here. It sounds like you are doing a LOT to help her and support her through her grief. I am not really comfortable reaching out to your mom, via phone but I do hope the counselor can help her. You are a good son and I am very sorry for the loss of your father. He clearly meant the world to you and I understand your wanting to make sure your mom is okay. Even your mom reading the posts should help her understand that she is not alone in this horrible place of grief. I will keep you both in my prayers. Tina
  15. Trying to put myself back together

    Dear Life Happens, I have so much empathy for you, in reading your life's story of pain, struggle and triumph, I feel your grief, your sadness. I am so incredibly sorry for the losses you have endured - you have been shown examples of how to live, how not to live and now... it's just you. I'm so glad you posted on here. I lost my alcoholic mom four weeks ago today. She too was a very strong woman. I guess we get that from our moms, despite their struggle with the disease of alcoholism. I went to my first al-anon meeting this past Saturday. Even though most of my trauma with my mother happened when I was a child, living at home with her and the disease, I felt robbed of a healthy relationship with her because of the booze. You shouldn't have had to take care of your mom the way that you did - but doing so made you very strong and demonstrates how caring, loving and kind you are. When I went to this meeting, and heard everyone else's stories, I could see a little bit of myself in each of them. There, I know, I have kindred spirits - just like we do here, on this grieving support site. I think we need that - we need to know other people feel the way we feel - we are okay to feel this way and work through all of these feelings. Your grandmother sounds like a very special woman who really stepped up and played an important part in your healthy development and care. It must be so difficult to be without her, physically. I hope you can feel her spirit when you talk to her and I hope that you can feel her with you, at least in that way. Do what you need to do to feel okay, keep posting on here and finding ways to be supported. I find myself very alone in my grief, although I have 5 surviving siblings and my father is still alive. I am so grateful for this forum, because here, I am not alone. I will pray for you to have peace and light in your life - and for the strength to get through each day. Tina