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About sarabeth35

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  1. My mom died back in Feb. during a rotten snow and ice storm. It was due to weight related health problems (heart disease and diabetes) and she struggled painfully as she died over the course of 18 hours, eventually resulting in a heart attack, but she had a DNR, so when her heart stopped the following morning, that was it. We had a horrible relationship that only slightly improved after she got sick the first time. It always reminds me of Bill Cosby's joke where he is explaining to his children that their grandmother is not the same person that raised him, that she was now an old woman trying to get into heaven. Pretty much sums up my mother. When she fell ill the first time in 2008, she ended up bedridden for the next SIX years, and during that time she became very kind to me. Before her first illness, she was mean as a snake. She was not the same with me as she was with my brother and sister. They were spoiled and made over heavily. I am the oldest and I am sure that I was conceived as a way to a) entrap my father and as a way out of her own problem home. My father is a good catch and to this day I still feel like he deserves sainthood for tolerating her abuse. She did not neglect me of things like physical care like a good mother should, but she treated me like she hated me, and spoke to me in a vile manner. I also believe she was jealous of the attention my father and grandmother gave me. She had serious psychological issues that I was exposed to and a victim of while I was a toddler. I have memories of her trashing the house out of anger and scaring my brother and I. He is 2 years younger, and at the time was only about a year old so he doesn't remember this episode, but I do. I also remember being in the back seat of my parents car while my mother had taken off walking after one of these episodes, and my father was trying to get her back into the car and take her home. I remember her scaring me and threatening me when I was little for unreasonable things, like getting spanked for crying when I was sick, or telling me that she was going to tear me up for playing with my brother. One time my brother got injured and she screamed at me to get away from him because she thought I did it. I thought I hurt him for years until my father and I were talking about T's scar, and how he was playing ball in the house. As I was growing up, I was not allowed to behave like a girl or be interested in feminine things like make-up, cheerleading and clothes. She cut my hair short 3 times despite me telling her that everyone made fun of me. When I was a teenager she would not let me have a boyfriend or wear makeup. When I tried to do things I wanted to do I was only allowed to do them on her conditions. When I was about 13 she started behaving in a munchausen by-proxy kind of way when I caught Mono, and was diagnosed with Lyme disease. She obsessed about my illnesses and talked about them incessantly to family. She isolated me from school TWICE by demanding the school send a homebound teacher out. She told me to quit feeling sorry for myself when I became clinically depressed. She could not speak to me without being verbally abusive by cussing yelling or by her degrading tone. So when I was 16 I got pregnant by the first guy that paid me any kind of attention and left home. Of course she made herself the victim on that one as well. And subsequent years when I was trying to be forgiving and become closer to my family, my children became her scape goats as well. So when she fell ill the first time, I had to give consent for life-saving treatments; a trach for a breathing tube. When she came out she was immediately kinder to me. After so many years though, I had grown numb to her, but I tried being a friend to my mother rather than having a mother/ child relationship. One big barrier was our religious beliefs. She was a very religious person, and I am atheist. When I tried to come out to her about that as well as being bisexual, she said, "oh surely you don't mean that" and ignored me. She treated my father even worse than she treated me. I am so angry at her. She tried passive-agressively to make her abuse right before she went. I needed her to be a good mom for a little while and just be kind to me. Instead I am left with all of this guilt for not being able to forgive her. I resent her for leaving her damage to me unresolved and being so cruel to my father when he was so kind to her. I resent her for loving my siblings but not me. I am going to need so much grief counseling and therapy for this. I am mourning for the fleeting moments she was pleasant in the few years before she died, and the stupid little things like being able to call her to brag about the kids. Even though she was a pissy mother to me, she was a great grandmother. I don't know how to respond to people who say things like, "I'm praying for you" or "She is with you/ Looking down on you". It's BS. IF I believed heaven was a place that existed, she would not be there. I have often thought that I was just a hypersensitive person as well because no one but my father and I saw that side of her. I don't know where to begin with it because when my brother and sister were able to cry and mourn for her immediately, I couldnt cry. I was and still am in a way so numb. So here I am 3 months later crying in private, over and over because I never got the chance to be close to "good" mom like they did, and I need her. It sucks. I have been impatient with my children and vicious toward my fiancee. The grief and depression is so severe that I have been suicidal, and thought about just getting in the car and driving to where no one would find me and od-ing with a note that my ex husband has to identify me (paybacks for being an abusive husband and wasting 17 years of my life). I firmly believe that my mental health failure is something more significant than just normal grief and don't know how to get away from the pain. Is that what complicated grief is? Sorry this post was so long, we had a very complicated relationship. Any suggestions or a pov from someone who has dealt with a similar relationship is welcome.