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BaileyB

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  1. No, you won't be the same person you were before. I feel the same way, after the loss of my mother. In some ways, it's not for the best. I long for the days when I felt that my life was ahead of me, that I could be and do whatever I wanted in my life with the love and support of my parents. But, in other ways, I feel that the loss has changed me for the better. It made me appreciate the little moments in life (like holding my mother's hand, putting lotion on her feet, sharing a smile or a story). I now share these moments with others. It's made me more kind and compassionate to others who are struggling with life or illness or grieving. It's made me feel strong - to survive the worst thing that could happen... That is strength! We are changed... There are things that I miss, but in other ways I think I have changed for the better. This will be revealed to you in time. I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a wonderful job caring for your mother. We all do the best we can in a very difficult situation. Please try not to second guess or place judgment on the care you offered. I'm sure that you were a great comfort for your parents. Take care of yourself - grieving is hard! But, it's nice to hear that you have found some ways to remember your mother and work through your grief following her loss. Take the greatest care.
  2. My mom,my sweet precious angel.

    Hi Donna, I just wanted to express my sincere condolences for your loss. At any age, we are never truly ready to let a parent go... I wish you peace and comfort with your grief.
  3. Only 16 and my dad died

    Dear Victoria, I'm so terribly sorry to hear that you have lost your father at such a young age. Cancer is a horrible disease, and loss is never easy at any age. As others have said, it's good that you posted and good that you are talking about your loss and your feelings. I would encourage you to continue trying to find someone to talk with as you move through this loss... A teacher, a school counsellor, a close adult (maybe an aunt or the mother of a friend). It's important to get your feelings out. It's important to remember your father... Both the good times and sometimes if you need to talk, the pain of his illness. I can tell you that I am a daughter who has lost her mother six months after she was diagnosed with cancer. I too have searched for someone to help me to understand my loss and deal with my feelings of anger, sadness, and lonliness. I too have been frustrated when people I thought should be able to listen or help me, could not. One thing that I had to learn... Not everyone can deal with these difficult life experiences. Some have just never experienced it, and thus do not know how to deal with it. Others, may have experienced something painful that they have had a hard time with and thus, they find it very difficult to be helpful in dealing with your loss. Even for adults, it's not easy. I also speak to you as someone who was best friends with a girl who lost her mother when we were 14. Looking back on the experience, we were children dealing with adult problems. I wanted very much to help my friend, but I didn't always know how to do that. My mom helped me to deal with the situation, and told me what to do. I was very scared. I didn't understand so many things. It was one of the most significant experiences of my childhood... Something that I often remember and wonder - did I do the right things? I would urge you to be patient with your friend. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Talk to her. Tell her that you are sad. Tell her that you are angry. And, tell her how she can help. Talking, listening to music, going to a movie, etc... All good ideas of things you can do together. As much as we like to think it sometimes, our friends and family can not read our minds. They don't know how to help unless we tell them. And sometimes, they don't want to bring it up because they worry that it will be upsetting. When in fact, the opposite is true. More often, people who have suffered a loss want to talk about their loved ones... To remember them and to work through all the feelings they have. I'm sure that your friend feels as I did - scared, unsure, wanting to help, but unsure how to do that. If she is a good friend, she will listen and she will try to help you. But if she has a hard time... Don't give up on your relationship. Try to understand. She's doing the best that she can do too... I'm sure. If she has a hard time dealing with things... It may not mean that she is a bad person or a bad friend... She just may not know how to deal with it. In which case, you can try to find support from someone else. Take care and know that you are not alone... Bailey
  4. Elouisa, I'm so very sorry for your pain. I too have sat by my mother's bedside during her illness, and eventual passing. It was the hardest, saddest, and yet most beautiful thing I have ever done. I understand how you find it hard to see him this way, and there should be no judgment or guilt if you are not able to be with him. It's very hard. You are so young. Your dad will know that you love him. That said, I would encourage you to think about taking this time to sit with your dad, to hold his hand, to talk with him. You will never get this time back. I remember when my grandfather died, my mom said she crawled into bed with him one night when he was in the hospital. I wish that I would have done that with my mom. I dream about laying beside my mom one more time. But, I sat by her side, I tried to memorize the feel of her hands, the color of her eyes, the lines on her face. In the end, she woke and we had the chance to talk with her before she passed. It was hard, but I am so glad we did it. I thought it was such a gift, to be able to be with her as she passed. She brought me into the world, and I was honored to hold her and love her as she left. For school, I will say to you what the counsellor said to me at this same time... You are only at the beginning of this journey. As hard as that is to believe, having spent the past year watching your dads illness progress, you are really only at the beginning of this grief journey. You will learn that you can not run away or distract yourself from your grief. Starting a new school may be good... But you will be surprised at how much time and energy you will need for your grief. Give yourself this time. Be kind to yourself. If it means lightening your load or taking another semester off... Don't feel bad. You have been through a great trauma, and it takes time to heal. Hugs to you. Know that you are not alone. Others have lived this experience and although it's hard, you will be ok. Take the greatest care!
  5. I know the feeling, the feeling of emptiness and the thought that you've lost your sense of direction. It's not fair and sadly, there is no good reason. You will feel sad, angry, and everything else... Before you come to some peace with her passing. I wish you all the best on your journey. God bless you and your mom.
  6. There is much wisdom in what Cindy Jane has posted. The loss of a mother, brings a grief and an emptiness that can not be described. It does not go away, but it does get a little better when we are able to celebrate their lives and the love shared... There are always blessings. Some are not so lucky to have a mother and have such a loving relationship with their mother as you have shared all these years. I know, it's no consolation for the sadness you feel with her loss. But in time, you will come to remember her and the relationship you shared with love and gratitude, not just pain. Take care.
  7. Thank you for sharing. I too had the chance to say goodbye. Like your father, my mother had "a good death." As if we could all be so lucky as to get to the end of our lives and know that we have lived a good life, with no regrets. It makes a big difference. There is still sadness and grief with their passing... But there is also some peace. All the best to you!
  8. My Mom

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It was sudden, unexpected, and very recent. I think it's only reasonable that you would be a bundle of thoughts and emotions... Especially with the pregnancy hormones. I'm glad you made an appointment to see a counsellor. At this point, you should really be focusing on self care. Be aware that the full experience of this loss - the grief - will be revealed to you over time. You are still very much in shock after the loss. You may find that counsellor will be more helpful at a later time... If it doesn't help now, don't give up on it! I would expect that your thoughts and feeling will change with time, as you move through your grief on this journey. I write primarily because I too work with children and families who deal with great challenges. It may be wise to take some time off if you can... You may be 28 and under normal circumstances you should be at work and saving time for your mat leave... But your mom just died. Your mom just died... I took several weeks off after my mom passed and I used that time to do the things that I needed to do for myself. I used to joke with people that I was only going to do the things that I wanted to do:). I spent a lot of time with my family. When I went back to work, it was nice to have some routine but I had a very difficult time dealing with some people. For example, someone would be upset about something insignificant (probably important to them but rather stupid to me) and I would think about something Stevie Nicks said in an interview after the death of her mother "You think this is a problem? My mom died. That is my only problem right now!" I went back to work very slowly, and it took quite some time before I felt like I was really productive again and had the physical - but more importantly - emotional energy - to be helpful. In order to really do our jobs, we have to healthy. You know this:). Things happen. There are times in life when we all struggle with something. That's just what happens in this life. It happens to everyone at some time or another. Be aware of that and allow yourself the time to feel it. You can't "move on" until you feel it. The best thing you can do for yourself and your clients... Give yourself time, be kind to yourself, and know that it will get better with time. But, please be sure to do what you need to do to take care of yourself... Not just everyone else!
  9. Looking for advice

    There is some really good advice in this discussion. I agree that it would be nice for you to talk with those who were close to your mom... If you can. My mom had two very dear friends who have become friends to me now. It's nice to be able to talk with them and share memories of my mom... I've even learned some things that I never knew. Your family may not be able to talk with you, but perhaps there is someone else you can talk with so you don't feel so alone in your grief. One other thought... I started a journal in which I shared my thoughts and feelings, but I would also write to letters to my mom. I talk to my mom often - to ask her advice, to tell her what I'm thinking. I actually still buy a mother's day card every year and write a little note to her... Telling her how I miss her. The relationship that you shared does not die with your mom... Over time, you will find ways to remember her and feel close to her. But, it will take time. Right now, you are really hurting. So, just do what you need to do to out one foot in front of the other. Find someone to help. And know, you are not alone. Come back and talk to us.
  10. Looking for advice

    I'm so sorry for your loss. You are far too young to have to deal with such things in this life. I'm so sorry. I too think that you should talk to the guidance counsellor at your school. Or talk to your dad - he may have benefits such that you can find a counsellor to help you process all that has happened. You can also talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Your doctor will be able to help you too! I can tell you that when my mom died, I looked to my father, my brother, and my aunts to help me deal with everything. It was hard for them to talk because they were also struggling with their own experience of the loss. Everyone deals with grief in a different way, and some people are able to cope with such difficult things while other, sadly struggle. I once heard the analogy... "After a loss, it is like you are adrift in a lifeboat. Some people are able to get on that lifeboat with you, while others are not." It may surprise you who will be able to get on that lifeboat with you. I'm sure your friends are well meaning but it will be difficult for them to really understand, assuming they have not experienced such a loss. But, perhaps you have a friend who will listen and try to be helpful. Perhaps they have a parent who can be helpful. Sometimes, the people who show up to help will surprise you. But, definitely try to find someone who you feel comfortable with - to talk to and support you through this difficult time. There is no shame in asking for help and seeking a counsellor... My counsellor was very helpful to me during my mom's illness and dealing with some things after her loss. It's still very early in your loss... No doubt, the numbness you are feeling is still the shock of the loss. That numbness stayed with me for months. It's been three years now, and I still have moments when I can't believe my dear mother is gone. People will use the word journey and that is really what it is... Your experience will change with time. All the more reason why it's good to find someone to talk with... You have a lot to process as you move through this loss. Big hugs to you! Take care.
  11. Lol... I wasn't thinking more children - although I can see how my comment must have been read:). I was thinking... New friends, travel, new interests, etc... That's too funny:)
  12. Hopefully, but don't be too worried if it's not. In time, the good days will outnumber the bad. Yes, it is very sad when those you love are not here to witness so many important things. My mom wanted nothing more than to be a grandmother, and she knew that joy for two years as well. It was not long enough, but it was all we had. Enjoy your family - your kids are your flowers. For now, they may be the only flowers. But, you are blessed to have them. In time, you will plant more flowers. All the best!
  13. I don't know. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot. I'm very sorry for your struggle. I think you are wise to continue to see a therapist...I'm hope this person can help you to find your answers. I will tell you that we have two little people in our family, and they have been the greatest source of joy during our time of sadness. I hope that you find the same with the birth of your daughter. It's hard to be sad when there is a little bundle of joy who's only purpose in life is to delight in experiencing the world for the first time. There are times when I ache because I wish my mom was here to see her grandchildren and I so wish that they would know her. But then I think, it is our job to be sure that they know her. I often throw up a little message and say "mom, be with us now. You are going to want to see this." I'd like to think that she does. All the best to you in your journey. Take care.
  14. I think this is to be expected. This is grief. It comes in waves... But in time, the waves don't knock you off your feet as much:). It's been three years for me, but I still have moments and days when I feel very empty and sad. This Christmas has been hard. But feelings, if you allow yourself to feel them, are transient... They move through you... They don't stay with you. But definitely, when a thought or feeling comes up... Feel it. Remember. But don't get stuck there because that can lead to depression. My father has really struggled. He hasn't really processed any of his feelings after my mother's death. When he talks about her, which isn't often, he says the same things he did just after she died. He has simply found ways to distract himself such that he hasn't had to feel the pain. This is a coping strategy in and of itself... But there are times when grief can not be avoided. I worry about his ability to cope. I recently read an analogy that I particularly enjoyed. It compared life and grief to a garden. I will share it, if you find it helpful. It has given me a new way to think about things. In this analogy, the thought is - Your garden has both weeds and flowers. You must care for the weeds. But, you also have to plant flowers. If you only take care of the weeds, you will become exhausted and lose hope. However, if you plant more flowers, eventually there will be less room for the weeds. Early after a loss, I think we are all overrun with weeds. It's all you can see, it's all you can do to tend to the weeds. It's exhausting. But, as times moves on, it is important to still care for the flowers, to grow the flowers, to plant more flowers. It's important to grieve and remember, but also to try to find some joy in life. Although you will always care for the weeds... I have to remind myself to plant more flowers and care for the flowers. This is the balance of life... There is no joy without sorrow. But, when you are grieving... It's hard to remember this. Best to you. Take care.
  15. I firmly believe that people can only process the grief and the experience in little bits... For me, I would think about something, and then when it became too much, I would have to stop. Then again another day, I could think about it a little more. Then a little more. It takes time to process something so difficult and if it's too overwhelming, I think we all just shut down. Even now, there are things that I have a hard time processing (like imagining what my mom must have been feeling, when she was diagnosed and when she was ill). I can't do it. It just becomes too much. But, it important to find some kind of peace. It takes time. And sometimes help. You have to find some way to integrate your experience and find some peace. All the best to you.
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