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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Ouch and confused

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About Ouch and confused

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  • Birthday 10/31/1974

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  1. Do your other problems cloud your grief?

    Hi Missu, That's why I am here 27 years later. Of course there are certain things that become more important than grieving. Life is really too short to grieve because it is not a pleasant thing. But, but! I think you have to. Does it have to be every day? No, of course not. I've seen some post here that have so much anger for the loved ones who have passed that it has morphed into some kind of hatred...but yet, they are still here grieving in their own way. And why? Well because, we are all here looking to explain the very explainable. However we can rationalize things though, the pain still is there. Death and loss are very hard to deal with; emotion and logic are at constant war. There is no right or wrong. You do as you need to do, and deal with what you need to at the time...but yet, be appreciative that you are able to deal because I'm sure you do remember those days when you were not. Life is for the living as callous as that may sound. I promise you, none of our loved ones would want us to be here, and dealing with their loss. No, they would want us living and learning from their memories and just enjoying the world and life as it should be. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all - just as grieving in our own ways, at our own times is not either wrong at all either. Take care, and hang in there!
  2. This is. . . Difficult.

    Very well said Heartlight. I am very sorry to hear all you've been through Tossed. I can't imagine having the same "anniversary" for both of my parents (Mom is still with us). I know that date, for me, is still hard and I hate the month of August. You sound a lot like me Tossed. Just go on as business as usual, but it still keeps coming back. Ugh. Those pity eyes. I so hate them, especially when they come from someone who doesn't even have a clue. I get it, and thank you, but don't pity me - it only makes me feel worse. Yep, and that anger will build and it will poison everything as long as you keep everything bottled up. Like a tea pot on the stove that steam will come out at times; whether it is during a loss of another person or some other stressful situation. Trying to address these things is hard, but in the long run it is worth it. Not only are you working toward accepting their loss, but you also end up dealing with and working on you and how you addressed these issues. It is not your fault, and you should not feel guilty, but I understand how easy it is to feel that way. Talking about it does help, and that is what this board is for. We are hear to listen, and share so don't be afraid to express yourself. You are safe here without any judgements.
  3. this one is for you.

    I can tell. Sometimes it helps to hear it from another person, to hear those thoughts are not right.
  4. When does it get easier?

    It does and it doesn't get easier. I still get those "trigger" moments and it has been a long damn time for me. There will be times that you so wish he were there or that you could talk to him, and there will be times where you are fine with it. Acceptance is the final stage; and while you can accept reality, it doesn't mean that you won't miss him still. All the best and hang in there!
  5. this one is for you.

    I think pretty much everyone here will disagree with you on that. No one really deserves to hurt and be alone forever - even the worst of the worst sitting on death row.
  6. this one is for you.

    Thanks Chelsea! I'm pretty much here for the same reasons. It helps me to help others and lend some sort of support.
  7. having a hard time....

    That is the difficult part. The depression really causes those first things you listed. Perhaps you may want to consider some medication? It could help with that if you find one that works for you. Have you thought about perusing legal action? If there is negligence, that is something they should be punished for, and maybe that punishment or at least an attempt could help with some of those feelings. Hang in there!
  8. I lost my father on 03/17/2014

    Good post. I do not have much to add. Hang in there man. It is rough. I'm still dealing with this stuff some 27 years later even. I don't think either is easier, but the sudden loss always leaves so many questions about what if. All the best.
  9. I am very sorry to hear that Renee; that has got to be rough. You do seem to have some perspective though which is good at these early stages. It will take some time, and those feelings of being cheated will likely never go away, but to me it seems you are somewhat ahead of the game compared to most. Hang in there. It can and does get better, but it doesn't go away. Oh, and Happy belated Birthday. Same age and I'm dreading my 40th. Today is my half. LOL.
  10. Missing my mom like crazy

    Very sorry Keiko. I know it sucks. It does. I still have my mother, but lost my father, and I know when my mother's, mother passed I heard the same things from her; she just wanted to be held by her again. It is very rough losing a parent and I can only imagine I will feel the same when my mom passes... Those feelings are normal and part of the grieving process so all I can tell you in regard to those feelings is what what was told to me for years after the loss of my father - she would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want you sad or missing her or with a big hole in your heart feeling. If you can, try to start seeing things like that. It helped me to a certain degree, but nothing will ever replace the person. Just try to hold onto the good memories and know that she is still with you wherever you go: in your mind, in your heart and in your soul - always. All the best, and hang in there.
  11. Mom passed away 2/26/14

    Sorry for you loss. It is very hard and you don't really know what to do. Missu is right. It is very early in this whole process, and you should cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve. It isn't easy and it is a very long process but with time it does get easier, but it still will always pop up from time to time; grief is funny like that. It is good that you are more worried about your brother, but you need to take time for you too. I will say this, don't let this loss push you two apart - I've seen that happen with members of my family, including my mother, and now is the time you DO need each other the most - just make sure to take time for you. What you are feeling is normal. Just keep talking about it, and if this doesn't relent, I would suggest getting into therapy or on some anti-depressants. Neither of those always work but sometimes they can help to push you past and explain all of these confusing feelings. And yes, talk about it. The more you are able to talk about these things, the easier they will be to handle. All the best, and hang in there.
  12. I hate this feeling!

    Angry with God is exactly it. Not wanting to try is also exactly it. Forgetting that voice or that person is exactly it. Not liking the person you've become is exactly it. What if you find someone else and they are taken away too? That is exactly it. You won't ever let him go, but you can live and have a life. This is all part of grief. Lord knows, I have sabotaged everything in my life, every opportunity, every good thing for 27 years because I know it can be taken away in a second like my father. It sucks and I've finally gotten to the point to where this has to change in my life. My best advice is to try to address these feelings now before they get worse. There is help out there. I still don't know how I'm going to get passed all of that stuff but I'm finally ready to try because I am sick of seeing others have while I am too afraid to lose. What you are feeling is normal for what you went through. Things can change, I've seen it for some, and I truly believe that possible for all of us who have these feelings to move past them and live again. It may take some time, some anger and tears but unless we try it will be that way.. And I know you are angry with God, I still am too in a lot of ways, but we also need to understand that we don't know God's plan. Tomorrow that person, or opportunity could just be right there in front of you and slap you in your face - but you have to not be afraid to take it. All the best. Edit: And oh yeah, every loss you do see only will make you say "See, told you so." but that isn't the way you want to live. I promise.
  13. I hate this feeling!

    Very sorry to hear about the loss of your Keith. That is all part of the grieving process. You know what and who you had and it will never be the same. It can be different after time I would guess, but I still see my Mom reject man after man because they weren't my dad. There won't be that person just like that again, But hopefully if you keep your heart open you can find some one different and appreciate and love them for their differences. That person will be different, but they are never going to be him. I'm going to try to make an analogy, and I hope it does sound silly or ever callous but...Imagine you had a car that you loved. You had finally found THE one that you wanted and waited your whole life for. You had scrimped and saved and test drove car after car until you found THAT ONE perfect car. And some dummy steals it. You can and will get another car, but it won't be the same and you'll hate it in a lot of ways, but after a while if you give the new one a chance you will come to appreciate it and maybe even love it for its own ways. Again, sorry if that seemed to trivialize your loss. All the best, and hang in there.
  14. How do i ______ on the forums?

    Thank you for your response. I can't get it to work the way I want from those settings. I've tried both ascending and descending and my posts keep on going to the top when when I want the OP's to be first and mine last think it maybe be a Firefox thing. Oh well. And Psst, thank you ModKonnie you are right about what you are saying about people being able to help. Thank you. Edit: See my latest post went to 1 when first one went to three. I used to the first post being first and then the next one coming after that. Okay, I think I dumb butt may be getting close to figuring this out. LOL.
  15. Dad was killed in motorcycle accident

    Very sorry to hear that. I can certainly relate even though mine was a different sudden loss. We had that relationship, and I miss that. Mom didn't run off and hit the bottle, I became her focus so I lost my mother and father too. We are finally getting to be able to talk due to the things she has learned from Al Anon. We tried all kinds of different counseling, therapy, and even grief counseling through the years, but it does still hurt. However, they have just started to finally learn what PTSD is and how to treat it better. You'll be okay, my friend, it just takes seeking out help. I have to go back again because apparently I didn't understand and all that pain would come right back after any loss.. You take things day by day, minute by minute, second by second and it will hopefully get better for you soon. Also though, never be afraid to talk about it. It helps you and doesn't make you odd or anything to feel like that at all. EMDR may also be something to consider. I haven't tried it, because I've been afraid of the side effects So I won't recommend it but I did see how it did help someone I loved. I am seriously considering it now though. Don't just jump in. If I do, I'll post how it went and if I do have any side effects. All the best.
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