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About amy30893

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    United Kingdom
  • Loss Type
    Father died in road traffic accident


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    ts20 2qr
  1. Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through to a certain extent. In May last year my father was killed in a motorcycle accident. My mother is still alive but after a lot of drama we aren't speaking anymore. I don't have any grandparents either. So apart from my brother and sister, I feel very alone. I'm 20 years old. I'm also struggling with anxiety and grief related depressive moments. It's difficult to know how to move forward in life without anyone there to guide you. That is the part I found most terrifying. I'm still finding it hard to cope without having the only person I looked to for guidance and the only person I ever considered a role model. When a parent dies you're left with this huge void and you will try and fill it with anything. I went shopping a lot in the first few months after my father's death. I spent more money than I had and got into nearly £1000 of debt. I'm still looking for other healthy ways to fill the gap. It is so hard to wake up every day and remember that your parent is not here anymore. The only thing I've found that has helped so far is every time I feel upset or something I try to counteract it by thinking of a happy memory with my dad or something that would make me laugh about him.
  2. At the funeral I asked my brother in law to read out the poem below. He thought it was so fitting that he got it tattooed on his chest. "An honest man here lies at rest, As e'er God with his Image blest: A friend of man, the friend of truth, The friend of age and guide of youth; Few hearts like his-with virtue warm'd, Few heads with knowledge so informed: If there's another world, he lives in bliss; If there is none, he made the best of this." We also had this song played as we left the church. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcvvRYYoGxg
  3. My Dad, 47, was killed by a careless driver in May 2013. He had over 30 years of experience when it comes to riding motorcycles, so I truly believe that if there was any way possible he could have survived that fatal collision, he would have. He was killed instantly when a car pulled out of a junction and didn't see him coming past. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the weather was perfect. Sundays are unbearable to me now. I respected my Dad so much, everything he did made me respect him and want to be more like him. He was everything a girl could possibly want in a father. I wasn't a typical 'daddy's girl', we had a very different bond to that of the usual father-daughter relationship. We didn't cuddle or tell each other we loved one another, probably since I was about 11/12 years old. We argued and debated, that was our thing. Even when I moved away to university I'd go home to have a good argument, because no-one else argued like we did. He taught me to have thick skin and not be hurt by what people say. Sounds strange. He was the first person I called when I was in trouble or stuck somehow, he'd always have a way to fix things. He wasn't one for giving advice, more like letting us make our mistakes and then explaining after how we could have done it better. My Dad was always made me laugh, even when the jokes were terrible. When I was a teenager we drifted apart but over the last two or three years we'd started to get closer and our relationship was better than ever. He taught me to empathize rather than sympathize, and not to judge people, especially if you don't know their circumstances. He was my reference point for everything, he provided me with the feeling of something stable and constant throughout my life. So when he was killed, I completely went into shock. I still can't believe its happened and I'm rarely able to express my emotions to my family. I feel unable to cry for my Dad and when I do it feels forced. It makes me more unhappy that I can't grieve for my Dad in a way that he deserves. I just feel like I have a total block on being able to be sad. When I do feel upset I feel bad about it because there are so many people in the world who are worse off. I have awful nightmares that I'm crying uncontrollably, but when I wake up the tears aren't real and I just feel very empty. I'm 20 now, and in my second year of university. I feel like I have no guidance, after the breakdown of my relationship with my mother (see other posts) and that I'm stuck at a point in my life with no idea what to do next.
  4. 10 months on...

    I think that is why I'm struggling to let out my emotions. I don't have a car so I can't even go to the church where my dad is buried on my own. I don't have anywhere that is my own and that I can feel completely comfortable in. I can't even go back to my family home as I just feel anger towards my mother there. I kind of feel guilty that I have to almost force some emotion out of myself by listening to sad songs or watching sad movies etc, surely it should come naturally. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with the social aspect of grief? I haven't told the people I work with what happened to my dad so as to not make them feel uncomfortable, but I just think that at some point it will come up and I will have to tell them. Also I feel like a lot of my friends feel awkward around me now, as if they're scared to say certain things for fear of upsetting me. Like I said before, I tend not to talk about my dad as much now because I feel like I'm bringing people down, I don't want to be 'the girl who always goes on about her dead dad'. My counsellor is a psychologist as well, I did some research and found out that she does both!
  5. 10 months on...

    This might seem like a silly question but can someone tell me the difference between a bereavment counsellor and a therapist? I think mine may be qualified as both. I find it difficult to let out my emotions because I'm living in student accomodation, in a tiny two bedroom flat. I share my room with boyfriend who stays with me most nights, and my friend has the other room. When I say tiny, I really mean tiny, you can reach the bathroom door from the sofa. So I feel like if I need a good cry I'll be disturbing someone or making them feel uncomfortable. I haven't been sleeping well because the anxiety has me on high alert at all times, I hear every noise in the night so I never sleep right through. Also I have been experiencing strange dreams/nightmares where I feel like I'm crying uncontrollably and as if I can feel the physical pain of my grief. Has anyone else experienced this? Usually when I wake up from one of these dreams it totally spoils the following day with my feeling sad or angry. Thanks for the support so far everyone, and I'm sorry for your losses too.
  6. 10 months on...

    I try to get to the gym as much as possible but I'm so snowed under with uni I hardly have any time at the moment! I do have a couple of close friends but I've got to the point where I feel like I'm always bringing them down by telling them how I feel. I've even reached that point with my boyfriend. The counsellor was useful at first, but as with everyone I speak to, after a while I put up a wall and stop opening up to them as much. I feel like I've tried everything, journals, meditation, etc, I just can't seem to find something that suits me and makes me feel able to open up enough. I'm constantly having to put my grief on hold because something comes up and consumes all my time. First it was sorting through all of the insurance, then the court case, christmas, uni work, more uni work, and now I need to start revising for my exams in May. Although I'm trying to put everything aside to concentrate it is extremely difficult. Grief is so intrusive.
  7. 10 months on...

    I have been seeing a bereavement counsellor for about 6 months now but I have so much stress from the relationship with my mother that I find myself using up my sessions talking about that. It's difficult to talk to my siblings about emotions because we were never raised like that. My mother suffered with depression when we were younger so I think we've all put up this wall not to show emotion in case someone sees it as a sign of weakness. That's the main reason I have been trying to find good bereavement forums. I'm in my second year of a Law degree, and only studying 3/6 modules as they are the ones I failed as my exams were immediately after my dad was killed.
  8. In May 2013 my father was killed in a road traffic accident while out on his motorbike, aged 47. He left a wife, my sister, my brother and I. We had to deal with a criminal court case against the woman that killed him. I have no anger towards the woman (yet). In fact I don't really feel anything unless I'm asleep and then I feel like I'm crying hysterically in my dreams/nightmares, when I wake up I just feel empty. As well as the trauma of my father being killed only 6 weeks after, my nana also passed away in June 2013 leaving me without any grandparents. So after two funerals in less than two months, both were people I was very close to, I have been left with this empty feeling. This was intensified when my mother found a new partner in November 2013, basically leaving my and my siblings to accept it or not have her in our lives. As we didn't approve for various reasons (he was 14 years younger than her with a criminal record) I hardly speak to my mother anymore and when I do there is a lot of tension, anger and hurt. So now there is my sister (24), my brother (17) and I (20), we have pretty much no extended family apart from one cousin and auntie who we aren't very close to. I struggled with anxiety initially. I'm finding it very difficult to cope with the stress and demands of my university course as I can't seem to get motivated or concentrate for long enough to keep up with my work. We still haven't decided on a headstone and have the civil case to go through, as well as sorting through my nana's house. All of which will be especially difficult with whats left of my very deteriorated relationship with my mother. I have been left feeling very alone and very empty, and just wondering when this shedload of hurt is going to come crashing down on me when the numbness wears off.
  9. I lost my father in May 2013 in an RTC. My whole family went on holiday in October 2013 and my mother had become permanently attached to her phone, constantly on facebook messenger talking to a man she had met online. When we got back from the holiday she went to meet up with him without telling anyone, me and my sister found out but didn't mention anything to her as we thought it was innocent enough. A couple of weeks later she went to meet him again, without telling anyone where she was going, we were on the verge of calling the police to report her missing as she had not been answering her phone all evening and noone had heard from her for almost 9 hours (strange considering her new found attachment to it). Our worries were justified given that her new man has a criminal record. After all this the relationship my siblings and I had with my mother began to deteriorate. She started keeping secrets from us when previously she had been completely open and honest about her every move. My sister and I are both adults and live in our own homes, however my brother is 17 and still lives in the family home. This only became an issue when my mother started staying over at her new boyfriends house, now it has got to the point where she is out 6 nights a week, leaving my teenage brother to fend for himself. We discovered that my mother had lied to us about a lot of things, she had sent messages online cheapening herself, making her look desperate and with a complete lack of self respect. After this it was difficult to see my mother in the same light. This situation gradually got worse, during the first Christmas without my father, my mother was more concerned with getting out of the house to see her new man than spending time with her family and supporting them. The point of all this is that now I rarely speak to my mother. In the 10 months since my father's death, our relationship has been destroyed. It is extremely difficult to deal with as it is almost like grieving for two parents instead of just one. However the difference with our situations is that you want your father to be happy whereas none of my family approve of my mothers new relationship. I asked my mother to keep both aspects of her life, her boyfriend and her family, separate. As that was the only way I could see myself growing to accept it eventually. My bereavement counsellor always says that I don't have to 'accept' the relationship, I just have to 'tolerate' it. For me I cannot tolerate it, but that may be just because I have been raised in a way where I am not afraid to stick to my opinion. What I am trying to say is I believe what has happened to my family is probably the worst possible outcome of a parent moving on. You are at a stage where you can prevent that from happening!