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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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Steph's Biggest Fan

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About Steph's Biggest Fan

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Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    my husband, my church, family, softball, my grandkids, travel, cruising,
  • Loss Type
    My adult daughter
  • Angel Date
    June 21, 2012


  • Occupation
    legal assistant
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  • First Name
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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    To all who responded...THANK YOU! I'm already feeling a bit of sanity just from the warmth in all of your words and comments and I can feel the love being sent to me. I equally send that love back. Someone said, it seems easier knowing that someone else has shared my pain. I've hesitated to say that because it seems so selfish, as I would never wish this pain on another soul, while at the same time, I'm sure you all understand what I'm saying. I love that one of the mom's mentioned you'd love to know more about my Steph. I think that is my biggest hurdle right now. I feel like life is moving on around me, my friends are going on with their lives as they should, but mine is stuck. I'm afraid they are forgetting her while I can't. I was with her in the hospital room the night after her surgery. She had a massive stroke. I thought she was struggling to wake. Little did I know, she was struggling to die. I am so happy that not only was I there when she entered this world, but since I did in fact have to be here after her, I am so grateful that I was there when she left. Her last words to me, as she flickered her fingers at me from her hospital bed were, "mommy, I love you." What mother could ask for more? She was my best friend, my biggest fan, my companion for so many years. It was just the two of us for lots of years. I divorced when she was 5 and didn't marry again until she was 23. So lots of time for she and I to spend together. We loved each other so. We laughed, and cried, and laughed some more sometimes till we peed our pants....lol. Since both of us were single even as she became a young woman, we "played" together and did some pretty funny stuff. She would always tell me that if I was mean to her she was gonna put me in a home and never come back and get me....then she would get serious about something happening to me and she would cry. She couldn't handle that thought. Its as if God knew she couldn't so he didn't allow her to go through that pain. That may sound crazy, but it helps me think she was spared in some way, because as all of you surely feel, I would have done anything for my child. One mom found her son's bracelet. I too have found things. In particular, I found a Bible verse she wrote on a sticky. It was tucked away somewhere. Psalm 31:1-3. It speaks of God being our fortress and refuge. I have that hanging near me at work so that I read it everyday. Some days its just words, while others its the glue that holds me together. In her own writing. It took me a long time to be able to put a picture of her at my desk. And even now, sometimes its difficult. I want to be at that place where some of you are. Knowing the pain won't leave, but knowing I've learned to deal with it just a bit better. For the mom who's daughter's birthday is my angel date, I agree, that makes us connected, in so many ways. That day holds lots of feelings for us both. I'll always share that day with you. Thank you all for sharing, and mostly for making me feel I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy. What a relief that is. I wish none of us had ever had to be acquainted if it meant having our children back. Unfortunately for us, life didn't give us that choice. I hope in the days and weeks to come, I can be of some help to someone else as you all have been to me. Just reading the words give me a peace. I will continue to read, as has been suggested. I'm in Florida and trust me, it might be sunny right now, but it's not warm. I'm hoping we become sunny Florida soon and I can get out more and get a little more active again and that some sunshine and Vitamin D will help my soul. For now, I'm getting my sunshine from all of you. I've uploaded a picture of my girl. I hope you all can see it. thank you again.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good morning all. I'm new as well, although my loss isn't so new....my angel date as you can see is almost 2 years ago. My 28 year old only child, daughter, died after having disk surgery. I suspect it was malpractice, but because she wasn't married and no children, in the state of florida we aren't afforded the right to make a claim. At any rate, she didn't survive, and that's my biggest obstacle. I've done pretty well over the last 18 months, but have in the last 4 months taken somewhat of a nosedive. I am married to the most wonderful, compassionate man anyone could ask for, and because of him, I have grandchildren that I never would have had. Just after we married, he became increasingly ill from diabetes and quickly went into kidney failure and later required a transplant, thereby making organ donation a very large part of our lives. His oldest son was his donor. A month before Steph had surgery the three of us were sitting in our living room talking about what we each wanted done if something happened. She made it clear to become a donor. Little did we know that a month later I would be signing that release. But I did. She gave life to five people directly, many in other donations, and two of whom we have had the privilege of meeting. The most special to me was her heart recipient. He allowed me to lay my hand on his chest and once again feel the beat of MY child's heart. It was awesome. And most would think that would be healing for me. It was at the beginning, but as time has passed, it's becoming more and more difficult to want to see him. It's almost like I saw that he's doing good, now leave me alone. This is why I'm reaching out here. Because I'm shutting down everywhere else, even with my husband. He and I have been through so much, and I don't want to lose more in my life, but as I read the 10 steps of grief, it's as though I'm the only one that understands them, as much as those around me try. Someone PLEASE tell me you have gone through the same thing. I feel like I'm losing my mind. We have very busy lives. Even though he is disabled due to his disease (my husband), we took on coaching our grandgirls softball team last year and what a true blessing that was. I was an athlete and even though Steph wasn't, she was always with me at the park. My husband umpires little league and she too, would go with me and we would sit during his games and laugh and eat "park food." It was the most wonderful times. Anyway, being back on the ball field at 51 and having ten or eleven 10 year olds run to you from the far back of the parking lot yelling COACH SUZANNE with outstretched arms is such a blessing! So I'm sure all of you at this point are asking, what's your problem? Here it is. I was doing really well, and we had to move my husband's oldest son, his wife and 4 kids in with for a short time (about 4 months) and it wasn't an easy experience, especially for me. Because of that, I took so many steps backwards. They have since moved out, and we are repairing the damage of two families living together, but in the meantime, I feel like all eyes are on me because I took a nosedive in healing. Now I feel I'm under a microscope and all fingers are being pointed at me. I'm reaching out here because I'm in that shutdown mode. i don't want to deal with this any longer, while I know it's never going away. Thank you all for reading. I'm sorry this is long.