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About odetoanoddity

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    Michael's Little Lady

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    Loss of a boyfriend
  • Angel Date
  1. A year today

    Today is the exact day that my boyfriend passed away from cancer last year. It has now been a year without his presence, without his care, his comfort and love. But, I survived. And I congratulate myself on that - that I managed to go through the pain, the anger, the depression (which I know will return in varying intensity) and make it through such tough times. Timea will continue to be tough, but I've managed to get used to it now, finding happiness in the little things as he would have wanted me to. It is very rare for me to be proud of myself, what with my low self esteem.. but I feel this one year mark is worth being proud about. From something major like completing and graduating university to something like seeking help for my grief. I take pride in the little things too, even getting out of bed and having the energy to go out and do what I have to do. Things could have been so much more different if I had done otherwise, but I did not. This year was a bad year, yet with so much wise lessons. I'm looking forward to the next 365 days and my journey to becoming all that I can be. For now I hope I did you proud, Michael. I love you so very much. RIP my love ❤️
  2. Don't wake me up, I am trying to find you. Oh, as I walk through, you are hiding in the corners of my mind

  3. ADC's, Visions & Dreams

    There is one dream that is quite vivid in comparison to other dreams. I had this dream in August, months before my boyfriend had passed away in November from cancer. I don't know what to think of it, could it be a precog dream? I was on an airplane with my parents, and there were three elderly people sitting behind us, two women and a man. The man had tarot cards in his hand, and the woman said I would go on a long journey on my own. I asked repeatedly about my boyfriend, and whether I'd see him again, and the woman said no, and showed me a card with a man lying face down on the ground... I remember telling my boyfriend about this dream, which was actually part of a larger dream. Although he helped decipher other parts of the dream, I noticed he didn't talk about the part on the plane... I also noticed, while reading old conversations on Facebook a couple of nights ago, that my boyfriend may have had a precog dream himself ! His grandmother had passed away in September, and he told me on the 31st of August that he had had a dream of swimming with her in a lagoon surrounded by little islands and that there was an underwater cathedral. Dreams are highly personal, and I'm guessing he didn't tell me all the details, but I'm going to guess that perhaps this was a dream that showed that he was going to join her soon? It's just a guess, and ignited a spark in my mind when I read that conversation again.
  4. What is the one thing you wish you could still say?

    I'm thinking this over. I'd want to say "I love you", but he already knows that. I would say "I'm sorry", but during our relationship I would apologise many times, to the point that he'd make it illegal and tell me that "love is never having to say that you're sorry". I also feel that he knows I'm sorry too. I *think* I'd say "Thank you". That with the distance since his passing, I've gained a different perspective and learned where I went wrong and what I need to do to improve. I thanked him while he was still alive, but I don't think I did it enough. I would thank him for helping me to grow, for being my best friend and lover, for having the patience to put up with someone like me. I would also tell him that I wished I had realised these things earlier, when he was still alive ><
  5. Grieving books

    I've currently borrowed three books on grieving from my local library. They are: 1) Towards the light: Growing through Grief by Michael Metzger 2) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the five stages of loss by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler and 3) Grieving for Dummies by Greg Harvey (at first, I was a bit offended by the title, but the contents has actually been helpful).
  6. This thing called Time

    Time waits for no one. Your post is spot on, I couldn't agree more. I find myself revisiting the past often, looking at certain dates and thinking ... "Oh, Michael was still alive back then" or "this time last year ..." It just seems to continue with no regard of how I'm still trying to understand what happened. My days pass by so quickly, I've become so insular, within myself, asking the same questions and coming up with the same answers, but where is the truth to any of it, when the one person that could possibly clarify everything for me is gone. To others, this may sound like a morbid/ bleak way to look at things, but there's a thought in my head that has been a comfort to me. I think that the further Michael and I become physically, with the days passing on, the *closer* we are to reuniting with each other, as each day I am closer to dying and seeing him again on the other side. I don't know what people on here will think about that, as it is a matter of perspective, but I don't know, it's been a comfort for me in this darkness. However, in spite of that, I don't like time either. I also don't like change and I'm constantly craving for my old life which was comfortable as the only certainty I had was that I had a man that loved me, who was supportive and my pillar of strength. Now everything is up in the air, and I'm facing a blank horizon that can be thrilling, but a lot more threatening, overwhelming me because I'm still in the past.
  7. Hello, im new...

    Eri, I can relate to your circumstances! I lost my boyfriend 3 months ago. He died from cancer. It's honestly been a whirlwind of a ride since he passed away. I have just finished university and now I am unsure about what on earth I am going to do now. We too had talked about our plans, plans about spending the rest of our lives together and having family. And also, like you and your boyfriend, I met my boyfriend around 2 years and 6+ months ago. I can see some similarities between us, I'm young myself (21 years old) and have had friends say that they can relate to me because they felt loss when their boyfriends broke up with them. I had a friend tell me that yesterday, and though I could agree with some of the things she was saying, I can't agree with her on that. She said that any loss was like a death, but with her situation, there's always the chance of her ex coming back. For me, that chance is closed to me forever. I'm also anxious for the future and depressed about the past. I replay it in my head every single day, there is never a moment when I'm not thinking about Michael, feeling resentful towards time and how everything and everyone around me is moving forward while I'm still here trying to understand what happened. I hope therapy has/will help you through this journey. This forum is also a great place to share your story with people who have experienced similar feelings. I'm going to start using it some more, for I feel like people on here can relate more to me than my own friends. If you like, you can privately message me and we can talk about our grief and loss. Kind regards
  8. Online memorials

    You're very much welcome Kirbiboh ! I'm sure your father would be proud of you for using the memorial to document and celebrate his life and share the memorial amongst friends and family! I also believe, that just like my boyfriend, your father is aware that you've written to him! Heaven doesn't need an Internet connection, communication is instantaneous ! It's something I believe anyway, whenever I write to my boyfriend in my journal, I always feel like he's read everything I've said, even before I've said it...
  9. Can't be sure that I exist. If you are not around...

  10. Online memorials

    Has anyone made an online memorial for their loved one? If so, what site(s) did you use? I recently made one for my boyfriend on muchloved.com - it was completely free, which was a first based on the other sites I looked at. The memorial site has brought comfort for me, I've been able to adjust the site template based on the theme: blue and water (michael's favourite colour was blue and he was a water sign), I've been able to add his favourite music and the site allows you to light a candle, so I've been lighting a candle for him everyday. It's become a sacred virtual space, it's private (only I can view it, his friends and family have his facebook and obituary page to remember him anyway) and I just wanted a place where I could go to and watch his slideshow of pictures with his music in the background and just grieve... There are many features you can add, like a timeline, a journal, the choice of adding videos and writing your loved one's life story. You can make it private or public to share with friends and family. I think Michael would've liked the memorial, it's simple with no embellishments, which I know is not his style. --- What about you? Would you make a memorial or have you already? What were your experiences?
  11. Rings - Just Curious

    I wear a ring when I go out. My boyfriend didn't give me this ring, but I feel such a connection with him when I wear it. When he was still alive, I'd wear it to symbolise I was devoted to him. I'd also get questions from many people asking whether I was married. The last time it happened was just last week, I replied with a smile and said "no, i'm committed". She asked me how long I'd been with my boyfriend and I said two+ years. I didn't tell her he was dead, because to me, he's still around in some way. I still feel bound to him, even if it's been 2+months now...
  12. New Years

    The thought of 2014 being only a couple of hours away makes me uneasy. I lost my boyfriend on the 24th of November to cancer and I’m honestly surprised at how time has passed since it has been more than a month now since he passed away. If anything, I want this year to start over, so I could have done and said things differently. I don’t want to welcome 2014, because it’ll be a year without him. We spent welcoming 2013 together and now I have to face the new year on my own... My plan is to sleep through it and hopefully wake up the following day feeling refreshed and not too depressed. Since his passing, I believe that he has given me the strength to overcome whatever daily trials have come my way and I'm hoping the same happens for tonight, tomorrow and the rest of the upcoming year. --- What are your plans for this coming New Years Eve?
  13. Letters to my husband

    This is a very good idea I lost my boyfriend on the 24th of November this year and I began writing letters to him on the 27th. I find it’s been really therapeutic for me and has seriously eased my grief. I’ve been able to cope with each passing day somewhat better because I know that every night I’m disclosing my feelings to him and I know he’s read it all. I got the idea from some books on grief and bereavement and I’m glad I got into it. Now it’s become a part of my routine and it gives me comfort also. Sometimes I also find that maybe I’m getting delusional and crazy too! But that’s not the case at all, if it brings you comfort, then go for it! 