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timehealsitall

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About timehealsitall

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    fiance suicide
  • Angel Date
    01 11 2013
  1. I was writing this to you first but somehow it wouldn't post.. Then I wrote a general thing.. Maybe it will help somehow.. Hugs..
  2. Hi everyone, Let me first tell you who I am. I am the girl who had this profile 1 year ago: http://forums.grievi...oidsarefaraway/ I wish I could write these under the same nickname as it would make more sense. But at the time I found this site I was desperately looking for some help but at the same time I did not want anyone to reveal my identity thus I registered myself with another mail ad that I don't even remember now:) Anyways here we go: Please check my old posts under the nick of asteroidsarefaraway before you read these lines. This will be my last post here. I am writing these not for myself but for the people whose loved ones killed themselves. I remember that when I first logged in here, my first intention was to read some lines saying "it will be all right, it will pass, time really heals it all". I remember reading so many stories desperately to find some comfort. Anyways probably it was so fresh and it did not work out for me at that time. So I decided to stand up. The feeling of anger just passed away. I could not stand being angry at someone who was no longer there. I could not fight with a dead person. I could not hate him. I had to forgive him. (However when I told this to his aunt on the phone, she got mad at me saying her son did not do anything wrong to be forgiven..) Anyways everyone has their own ways to deal with pain. And for some it is to pick a black sheep and put the blame on them. So I was it. I had to deal with my pain but also I had to deal with the feeling of being blamed by someone. I have always been a person who would be called as "the sunshine in the room". Seriously, I am not saying this to compliment myself. I hate people saying good things about themselves but I really was one of that people.. My family used to love having me at home, they used to call me "the joy of the house". My friends were calling me when they needed to laugh. I was this person who was never life taking seriously however loved taking care of people. I took a lot of care of my boyfriend when he was having hard times. I was always there for him. Always. I was there when he fought with his family, I was there to change his mind when he told me he hated them, I was there when he was fed up with everything. He was always telling me how he could not keep going if I was not there for him. He always used to thank me for doing more than I should have done. His family and his families' friends used to compliment me all the time saying I was a little girl with a huge heart and it was obvious that I was really in love with him like crazy. He was not an easy type. He used to criticise people a lot, he was never medically diagnosed with borderline disorder but when I told my shrink about him he said I was with a borderline disorder. By the way another weird thing is that when I was with him, we had a fight one day and he abused me 1 year before his death. So I went to a therapist and told him about what had happened and asked for help saying "I am in love with him but I know I have to leave him so please help me". My therapist told me what I was telling him about my fiancé were the signs of "borderline disorder personality" so I had to decide if I wanted to deal with it or not. So I decided to keep going thinking I would change him and cure him… So I ended up on the same coach 1 year later that session. I ended up there and told my shrink that "he had killed himself" when had had asked me "so did you break up with him..".. Probably it was a horrible experience for the therapist as well. When his mother died, their family friends came to me and thanked me for taking care of them. They asked me how could anyone in life do all those things for love. I did.. Because I loved him and I loved the people who loved him. Anyways. Then I was blamed for his suicide.. His aunt told me that "maybe if you were not there that night he would not kill himself". However she does not know that one night before his mother died he had the same crisis and tried to kill himself.. And I calmed him down that night. I put him to sleep and told him everything would be okay. He asked me to stay with him the other morning so I took the week off and stayed with him, went to hospital with him to visit his mother and everything… He tried to kill himself before or threatened me with death when we fought. I never took that threats seriously because he was one of the smartest and coolest guys ever. I was always thinking that he was not being serious. I remember once when we fought and I left his house to go to mine and I was not responding his calls. He sent me this whatsapp message. It was a photo. It was a photo of his feet. When I called him to ask what it was he told me he was sitting at the edge of the window to throw himself and he sent me that message.. I even did not take that thing serious at that time. And by the way he threw himself by the very same window that night… So as you can see, life is not always fair and people can be really mean sometimes. I decided not to talk. Although he always used to blame his family and tell me all the private stuff of his family. And in my experience they were weird and horrible stuff however I decided to shut up and not to blame people. I decided to keep it silent and understand that everyone had their own ways to deal with pain and this is how they were living it. By blaming the girl who was in love with their son like crazy. And who witnessed his killing himself in front of her. Anyways ok I keep going now: By the way probably some of you had understood that english is not my first language so sorry for the grammar mistakes etc.. So, I decided to live my life. I saw that world was not fair and there were bad people but also there were amazing people in it. I decided to stand up for the people who loved me. I decided to give them old me. So I got back to work almost 2 months later then his death. Not to my old work but to another lighter work. I was working with the vulnerable community. I was helping them, listening to their stories. It was really helping me. I was not delaying my pain or anything but I was seeing that I was not the only one which the world was not fair with. I was never a believer. I never had any faith in any religions. I have faith in my, my family and my friends. For me it is the best religion ever. So I believed in me. Some mornings I was waking up with horrible feelings, thinking I had the right to stay in bed and depressed all over the year. But then I was thinking of my family and friends who would be happy to have breakfast with me. Then after an hour I was finding myself on a breakfast table having breakfast with them and smiling. I was running. I was really running a lot. I was always exercising before the incident. I was going to the gym at least like 3 times a day. Thus I got back to that routine. Whenever I felt down I was going to the gym, telling my trainer not to ask me anything and running for like an hour by listening to music. (ok I have to admit that sometimes I was listening to angry music:) It really worked out quite good for me. I could sleep perfectly well. Ok I have to admit that I was also smoking to feel better. And nope it does not help at all to smoke stuff:) Now I am trying to quit:) After 5 months, I went to his grave with my best friend. I talked to him silently and told him "I am sorry this is the last time I am here. I hope you will understand me if you can feel me anyways. Goodbye… Have a nice sleep. And don't forget that I loved you". Then I left a yellow rubber duck on his grave (which we used to love a lot) and left there knowing that I will never get back there. On the other hand I felt numb. I knew he was there under the ground. I dreamed of the times he used to sleep next to me. And tried to think that he was there looking the same. I could not touch him, I could not tell him to wake him up and hold me, I could not whisper in his hear "good morning". So I felt numb. It felt meaningless to be there. Then I realised couple of days later that it was not actually meaningless, I misunderstood the feeling of being desperate and interpreted it as feeling meaningless. Anyways, feeling that made me walk away even more powerful. There was something that I could never ever change and I could be either desperate or I could be strong and hopeful. I picked the second one. I will never get back to his grave. I will never talk to him again. And anyways, if he can feel me he would feel me anywhere… I would not suggest you to do the same but think of it. I guess it all depends on you to decide. And also your faith as well. Anyways then I decided to be "Yes MAN". I was kinda accepting every offer by friends and family. I was going out, getting drunk, going to movies, gatherings, dinners etc. I was also meeting new people, having new friendships. I have to admit that sometimes it helps a lot to talk about your pain to a stranger. It worked for me. I was telling my story. I was not hiding it or anything. I was heart broken and a mess but it was not something to be ashamed of. It could have happened to them as well. I was just an unlucky one. I stopped blaming myself thanks to the EMDR treatment. If you have read my previous posts you will see that I did not want to take any antidepressants thus EMDR treatment was working perfectly for me. My biggest antidepressants were running, family gatherings, friends and new people. They were working perfectly well. Then time passed… On the 6th month of my loss I wrote a thank you mail to everyone who were there for me. I thanked everyone one by one. And it was also another experience. Then time passed. It has been over a year now. I have a brand new job now. A job that was offered to me by someone who I worked with before. I am done with a lighter job. I am ready for more serious stuff. And now I have a good career path with cool opportunities. However I can never ever spend my life doing boring stuff. Because I saw life can change in 15 secs. You can change in 15 secs. You can hit the bottom in 15 secs. So now I do not take life serious more than necessary. And the funny things is that when I laugh, I laugh really really out loud. It is an instinct. I lost my smile and laugh for a while and it took quite a lot to gain them back so now I have every right to laugh out loud:) I make jokes.. By the way I stopped going to my therapist. Well, for the beginning I was going every week for like 7 months then he switched it to twice in a month and now I haven't been there for the last 2 months. I will go this week to thank him and tell him to be there when I need him but not to schedule regular sessions anymore. I have to tell you that I love this sentence of my shrink "everyone will question you when you move on, for some it can be fast for some it can seem unnatural but remember that this is your "normal" and this is the way you deal with it.". It was true. Find your way of "normal" and deal with your pain. Do not care what others think of you. I think you have gone through quite sad, painful thing that none has the right to judge you. I mean it. Do not let people judge you. Do not people underestimate you. There was this old woman at work, once she asked me how I was doing and I told her I was feeling perfectly fine. She looked at me in a weird way and told "yes but what you went through is something that you will never feel full again and will always make you sad". It was a weird moment. Then I thought probably she lived something like this or even less she lost someone she used to love and this is what she is feeling right now. It was not motivating at all. So ignore those sayings. Remember, everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff and also the incidents in your lifetime will differ from other people's life time events. Furthermore, understand that you might not feel better in 1 year like me now. Maybe for you it will take 8 months or 2 years. It is fine. Accept your own "normal" and go with it. Well there is a minor thing about me and my sense of humour.. I had chosen to deal with it by being not serious. I made lots and lots of jokes. I made fun of myself and my tragedy. So yes it was fun for me but later on I realised I was scaring the hell out of people. Some of them confessed later that they thought I was taking pills secretly or I lost it. My shrink warned me not to scare people away by those jokes. And maybe to make them only to people who really knew me. Well he was right. Telling new colleagues that "if a guy is alive then that is all you need to date with him, you should not ask for more" was not a funny joke at all. But I had really and really over done sarcasm.. Anyways I am taking it easy on sarcasm and jokes now:) I know I still did not answer your biggest question because it was also my question at that time: Am I still in love with him? No. I am not. Somehow the feeling of love just faded away. It was proportionate with the feeling of not deserving what had happened. I found myself not thinking of our good times together but at the same time I was not thinking about bad times either. By the way let me tell you this: You will think of that moment, that day, him every day of your life. I am not saying you that you will forget everything and you will forget him. No my friend, unfortunately you do not. But let me put it in this way: When it first happened there were like 45 candles in me. Burning. Burning. But now I only have 1 candle in me. It is there, it hurts sometimes but then I accepted its existence. It will always be there. However it is not enough for me not to live my life. What he has done was unfair. But actually if you are reading this now and your loved one had committed a suicide without being mean to you, I would say then it is not totally the same experience. My fiancé had done it while we were fighting.. So maybe he wanted to punish me, maybe he felt really guilty because he attacked me and hurt me that night or maybe he just had the urge of doing it finally after various attempts. I don't know. So for me it was easy to stop loving I guess… I have recently threw everything away. I have no longer our rings, gave all his presents to poor children and girls. I have nothing left from him. Because that candle inside me is more than enough for me to remember him. Am I angry at him? Well no not anymore. I stopped asking why and I stopped blaming him. He was a good, nice person. He was really something. He was different. So it happened. No more questions. And somehow I knew that if he had seen all these he would understand my going on with my life. But I will never understand what can be the reason to leave your loved ones behind and waste your life. I know it was not an act of a healthy state of mind but still.. Anyways. I gave that decision that night when I saw him falling down the balcony. I asked myself "should I do it as well?" Then something inside me told "NO." So I decided to stay at that very moment. And I am glad I did it. Because he was not the only one who loved me. I have my family and friends for whom I stayed. I want to have children and I know I will (not necessarily by getting married, I might also adopt:) I want to have a daughter and 2 boys. I want to tell them about my biggest pain when they grow up. I want to tell them that anything can happen to anyone but they will be fine because I raised them as strong children. My children will be full of love and they will be strong. They will be like their mother and their mother's mother who was always with her daughter when she was suffering. They will learn to be good friends because I will tell them what my friends have done for me when I needed them. And now I know you have been wondering about something else: Have I been with someone? Yes I have someone in my life now. It's been quite new. I have been hesitating about a new relationship though. But I just left it to the flow. I know I am loved and appreciated and the person I am with respects my past and me. So let's see what's gonna happen by the time passes. I feel excited when my phone rings, I get excited when he kisses me. I am looking for going on a holiday with him and all.. This is all. I want you to understand that you will be fine and you will be happy. But it is all in your hands to do it. You have to challange your brain, your abilities, your power. You have to stick to the people who love you. You have to talk, tell. You have to share it. You have to yell… You have to scream out loud when you want to. You have to believe in yourself. You have to accept that you had been unlucky but it will not ruin your whole life. You should not keep all the candles burning. You should let the time and yourself to put them out. Stop pitying yourself. You have already gone through a horrible thing that you have not deserved. Yes your loved one had killed him/herself. But it was not because he/she wanted to punish you to anything else. You have nothing to do with it. I have seen desperate women who were raped and were pregnant to the rapist's baby, I have seen a young woman who had a mentally disabled child and no house.. I have seen so many people who actually had the right to give up and kill themselves but still haven't done it. Because we all know that giving up and killing yourself is only possible in a different mental situation or a crisis. So no, you haven't caused it. And your acting different would not change the situation. He/she would do it some other time under different circumstances. Accept it. Respect yourself. You had already more than you should have gone through so stop harming yourself more. Stop asking yourself "what if" questions. They would not change anything. Well maybe one thing would have changed something: If you have never been with him/her you would not be in this pain now but on the other hand you lived so many good things together no? You have shared lots of good moments no? So understand that nothing would have change anything if you had done something differently. Stand up, start your day. Be with the people you love. Use your anger to exercise. Talk to people, share it.. Dream.. Dream..Dream. And when you smile, smile more because you lost that smile once:) Gain your smile back and share it with the people you love. They are worth it. And they are all waiting to see you smile. Don't ignore that last candle in you. Let it burn.. Whatever he/she had done to him/her self, and you, he/she still deserves to be remembered by you. Don't ignore it. Just accept to live with it. I will never get back to this forum because it makes me sad that other people also go through similar pains and what I can do for them is quite limited and I think this is the only thing I can do.. I told my story, I shared my experience and more importantly I tried to tell you that it will really and really pass if you want it to pass and let the time take care of it. You will end up really strong and peaceful. Give yourself that chance. Do not waste your life because your life is still going on now. Just because you got unlucky once does not give you the right to spoil your life. Enjoy it. Seriously, if you really want to waste it then at least do it properly. Be a voyager and travel under hard circumstances till the very end or whatsoever:) Just do it properly that when you look back you will not regret wasting your time over a sad incident that found you. Believe me. You will be really fine if you let yourself. And if you even have one person who appreciates you and loves you, no matter who that person is (it can be your friend, your family member, your kid, your dog, your primary school friend, your grand dad whoever..) then at least do it for that person or people. They deserve to see you happy and they deserve to enjoy good moments with you. Anyways so even if you reply to this forum or send me messages I will not see them. This will end up like my first account. I will forget my password and the mail I registered here:) I am doing this because I do not want to look back in anger anymore. So repeating my experience over and over will not do good to me. I am someone who is fed up with repeating herself (probably because of my mother who loves to repeat and repeat the same stories:))) Anyways, just know that I will be somewhere and pretty happy. And please do the same thing. And one day, when you catch yourself laughing out loud than you are used to, remember me as well:) And please laugh one more time for both of us… Good Luck:)
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