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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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backyarder1

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  1. 2nd Birthday in Heaven

    Hi Judy. What in the heck is the matter with us? I still keep having "total mess" days, too. I sure wish I could figure out what makes the moods go up and down.
  2. It's been 8 months

    Hi Brijac. I don't think there are any rules about when you should or shouldn't deal with your wife's stuff. I just do things in stages. Very early on, I was able to get rid of things that had no sentimental value to me. Like underwear or shirts that I never saw Tom wear. Later, I went through his closet again and found other shirts that I didn't feel any sentiment for. I just take it a little at a time. I wouldn't even think about doing it yet if it still causes you sadness. In my mind, it is sadder to see a big old empty closet than it is to see Tom's stuff.
  3. Lost myself with my husband

    Hey Judy. I FINALLY agreed to let my doctor prescribe some anti-depressants yesterday. I have been trying to avoid that but maybe I just need them for awhile, to take the edge off. AND, I do need to find either a job or a volunteer activity. I know that will help a lot.
  4. Lost myself with my husband

    I know many of you feel this same way. I just wonder if there is a way for us to help each other figure it out. Eight months after my husband passed away, I'm still in the pits. And I think I figured out the CAUSE of my feelings but haven't really figured out the way out yet. I think my biggest problem right now is not that I lost TOM. My biggest problem is that when I lost Tom, I also lost ME…..my identity. I have never had a very strong sense of personal identity. I guess because I've just always been sort of quiet and insecure. I never had any kids, so I can't define myself as "mother". I no longer have parents, so I can't define myself as "daughter". And I don't have a job or a career to help define me. I can define myself as sister or friend, but those people don't seem to "need" me, if that makes sense. When I was with Tom, I sometimes felt lost, but I could always fall back on defining myself as "Tom's wife". He was the fun one. The exciting one. The successful one. I made him happy. I helped take care of him and his career. I was good at those things. Now, I don't know who I am. And I don't know how to figure it out. When he first died, I just kept telling myself "I am still Tom's wife". But as more and more people seem to forget about Tom....and as his friends and family seem to forget about me.....saying that I am "Tom's wife" doesn't seem to work for me anymore. But the weird (and sad) thing is, that I can't figure out who I AM. I can't even think of things that I like to do so that I can help define myself. People say I should get a job or volunteer someplace, but how can I choose someplace to work or volunteer if I don't even know what I like to do? I am going to try to find a good counselor or a good therapist that can help me with this. But for now, I just feel lost.
  5. What do you eat?

    Thanks Sammijo. I'm just going through another rough time. I think we all know by now that they come and go in cycles and I am in a down cycle right now. And its funny how we can never remember how to get ourselves back out of them. LOL
  6. What do you eat?

    I haven't gotten there yet. Tom would HATE seeing the current me. So sad all the time. Just crying myself to sleep. Maybe that should be a goal for myself. To make myself into the kind of person Tom would be proud of. But I'm certainly not there yet.
  7. What do you eat?

    Sammijo, one of the counselors I went to early on told me that. That one of the things we grieve for is the person we were. I was Tom's wife. And now there is no "Tom's wife". that's all I was and all I WANTED to be. All of my dreams and plans for the future died with him. So now I have to figure out who I am and what I want for my new future. And it is SOOO hard. My whole life, I had wanted to meet a great guy and build a house. And Tom and I did that. We picked out the property together and we designed the home together and we worked on it together. And now I have this big house and everything about it reminds me of Tom. I can't stand the thought of moving OUT of the house, but everything about it reminds me of him and the life we had together. It is ROUGH!
  8. What do you eat?

    Hi Heartlight. Since the beginning of this process, I have known that there was no sense in trying to be the person I used to be. That person died with Tom. My challenge is trying to become the new me, and figure out who that person is. :-)
  9. What do you eat?

    Thanks Sammijo. I usually cook something in a crockpot and eat it for a few days. My biggest problem is I forget to mark down when I made it, so I probably usually eat it for more days than I should. But I REALLY want to start eating better. I'm surprised no one has created a website that has menus for widows.
  10. What do you eat?

    I know this sounds like such a stupid question, but since Tom passed away, I haven't really wanted to cook entire meals for myself. My body is suffering because I am only eating the most basic meals. I actually did an internet search to see if I could find "meal plans for widows" but I didn't see anything.
  11. My first date in 24 years

    Congrats to both sammijo and austykatie. Did you both meet your new guys on dating websites? I have been registered on a couple of those sites for awhile but haven't had the desire to meet anyone yet. Then again, its only been 8 months since my hubby died. Sure would like a male friend, though. Not one that would try to kiss me. Just one to talk to.
  12. It's been 8 months

    It's been 8 months since the love of my life passed away. It is sad to get back on this forum after so many months and see so many new people and remember how bad those first days, weeks and months were. I made it through the worst. I think when we are in love, we think "I would just die if I lost them." And then you lose them. And you wonder how you make it through. But most of us do. A few don't, I suppose. But even while you are making it through, you wonder how you are doing it. It really seems like you have such LITTLE support. And the pain is unbearable and for me, anyway, I wondered if it was worth trying to make it through, many times. But I did. I'm not going to say that I'm not still sad. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.....a light that has gone out in me forever. But I have to just keeping taking things one day at a time. There are days when I am happy. And days when I am sad. But life has always been that way. We just have to learn to treasure the good days. For those of you who have just started on this journey, things will get better. You will have ups and downs but things do get better. My heart is with you all. Betsy
  13. wife passed 6-17-14

    Hi Mike. I'm very sorry for your loss. There are many wonderful people on this forum who are here to support you.
  14. backyarder1

  15. Haven't been on here for awhile

    Very well said, Silvergirl. I was thinking today how cool it would be to have a B&B or Inn or some other place where all of us could sit and visit with each other and talk as much as we want about those that we love that are no longer with us in body. But this website is almost as good sometimes.
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