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About Francy119

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  • Location
    England, United Kingdom
  • Loss Type
    I lost my husband through suicide
  1. What if

    Thank you for your comments. I'm very sorry for your losses and I'm saddened at the amount of people on this forum. It's such a shame that the human mind is so complex with its dark corners that demons can hide in for a long time without anyone external even noticing - and it seems the way we grieve doesn't change even if we were aware of the demons inside our loved ones. I'm finding it very helpful to read about the different ways that people choose to come to terms with this traumatic experience and how everyone tries to reconstruct their lives somehow - concentrating on themselves, taking each day as it comes and trying to look ahead. But was is also apparent is that no one of us will be the same. We are now viewing life in a different light and are faced to rethink everything that we ever believed in because our world has been shaken, our certainty that life is actually okay has vanished. For all of us it will be or has been such a hard journey of recovery and it is so hard, I never knew life can be so terrible, pain can be so deep and moving forward can be so difficult! Despite all the support I luckily have I'm sometimes not sure for how long I will have the strength and motivation to go on? Hope of feeling happiness at some point in my life again keeps me going but I'm not sure if I have the endurance to reach that day.
  2. Thank you for your comment, scj1. I also believe that they were so wrapped up in their own "world" / thoughts that they lost sight of what their action would cause to teh once they loved most, as you say, otherwise they wouldn't have done it. Even though my rational part of the brain says that it wasn't my fault, my emotional part of the brain does feel guilt because when you are so close to someone you are a major part of this person's life and to believe that you had no involvement in this radical decision is very, very hard to do. I wish your sister all the strength in the world to get over this tragic experience and hope she will find happiness again.
  3. Hi Cheyann19, Gosh this is a messed up story and it leaves me speechless. I don't dare to comment on how messed up his mother is but I'd like to say a few words about the loss of your fiance. I feel very, very sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts coz I only recently (21st Oct) lost my husband. We were together for 10 yrs but only married for 1 yr. By what I can tell and what I have experienced emotionally in 2 mths, I can tell you that you have a difficult time coming up. Even though I was sad I reckon the shock I was in kept most of the emotions away for ca. 6 weeks. So for 2 weeks now I was able to feel the deep pain of my husband's loss much more than before. And even though I am fighting every day to be strong and go back to work and do "normal" stuff in order to get my life back on track, I do sometimes break down under this pressure. I want to live (which wasn't the case initially after loosing my husband) but I sometimes breakdown because I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to get through this?! How are you coping? Are your parents and friends supporting you? For me personally it really helped that my friends made sure I wasn't alone at night most nights for quite a while. So I always had company and was able to talk things through. I have also joined a monthly group meeting where I meet other people who have lost someone through suicide. This is a good way of feeling "normal" as I started doubting whether the way I'm feeling is "right". When you are with people who have gone through the same, you recognise many feelings and thoughts of your own in the others which is comforting. You are porbably scared because you have to bring up your child without the dad. And you are probably very sad that he will miss her growing up. On the other hand I actually envie you a little bit because I haven't had children with my husband yet and now I'm left with nothing as he was my everything. But you have a piece of him to hold on to - his and your daughter. :-) I do wish you all the strength and love in this world to get through this trauma and hope that you will give birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl. Take care and look after yourself!
  4. Suddenly I see all those lovely people in my life. Why did I not see them before? Was I too involved in my own life with my husband? I'm receiving this unexpected support from everyone and every so often I'm told how special and amazing I am and that something like this should not have happened to someone like me. (I feel that something like this should not happen to anyone, neither should it be done by anyone.) This makes me happy and unhappy at the same time! Happy because I feel like people really care about me. Unhappy because all this endorsement feeds my guilt! I feel this heavy guilt deep inside me, for not having: - made life worth living for him - saved him - stayed home that day - said "I love you" when I had my last chance - spotted that he has demons inside - protected him from these demons If I was as amazing as my friends say, David would have found life with me more precious and wouldn't have killed himself. He used to call me his Guardian Angel. (Only now I understand the true meaning of this. I used to find it very sweet of him to say that. Never did I know what it actually meant.) Well, great guardian angel I am !!! With no one to watch over now, coz I failed in my job to protect him. :-(
  5. I'm not a poet and have never been very good at school in creative writing but the two poems below came straight from my heart: Realisation - He won’t come back! His big brown eyes never to smile at me again. His soft warm lips never to touch mine again. His long gentle fingers never to stroke me again. His big strong arms never to hold me close again. His warm long breath never to blow my hair again. His deep husky voice never to reach my ears again. His bright loud laughter never to echo in a room again. Him never to come through the door again. Him always to be part of my heart and mind – ascertain! Surfing the waves Constant waves are drawing the sand away from underneath my feet: The current of desperation The pressure of pain The turmoil of thoughts The foam of anger The salt of tears The cold of guilt The wind of loneliness Give me the strength to flee these violent waves. Don’t throw me hopelessly around like a pebble in the tide. No! I want to learn how to surf the waves of life! I want to feel the warmth of the sun and the love of life again!
  6. Lost my husband: Week 8 now The first 5 weeks I hardly remember now because they were overpowered by numbness, shock and disbelief. As well as lots and lots of people constantly around me, cooking for me, making me eat. Trying to cheer me up by doing origami, crochet or other silly games. Weeks 6 & 7 have been the hardest so far because realisation that this isn't just a nightmare has set in: - Realisation that he won't ever come back and smile at me with his big brown eyes ever again, hits so deep. - Realisation of truly being alone and not being able to do what we had planned to do together rips my heart apart. - Realisation that the guilt I feel sits so deep that I can't allow myself to process it at the moment because it would destroy that little bit of sanity that I have regained in my life. - Realisation that I will have to change my way of speaking at some point coz saying "we live in a nice house", "we have two cats", "David likes the Rolling Stones too", "my husband told you last time..." - give the wrong impression to strangers and open up innocent questions like "oh what does your husband do" which hit me like a stone in the head. - Realisation that life sucks and is so terrible that only the love I'm currently receiving from everyone around me, gets me out of bed every morning. - Realisation that this year I won't be getting a "wife xmas card" and I won't be buying a "husband xmas card" nor will I go crazy at Debenhams or Marks & Spencers in the gents department like I used to do for xmas. I just loved buying him prezzies. Also, to help me overcome the horrific image that has manifested itself in my head of how I found him in the bed room and how I tried to resusitate him until the ambulance came, I asked a friend of mine to renovate our old bedroom. I will rent this room out to someone at some point next year to help me keep the house from a financial point of view. This means I moved into our old guest room which is now My Bedroom, yes Mine - not ours or mine and his anymore, just mine...having bought a couple of pieces of new furniture for this room with my mum really brought it home to me that he is really not coming back and My "lovely" new room is a big fat signifier of that - an indicator of me moving on and having to live my life without my husband. - This realisation also hurts. The pain I'm currently feeling is so deep. I never imagined it can be so deep and painful. Like someone trying to gutt you alive. So deep that I don't allow myself to think about it for too long and try to tackle this by keeping myself busy. Currently no memories of the past ten years with my husband make me feel any better. I know they were both our happiest years ever but this just increases the pain of his loss and the disbelief of him actually having killed himself. I've had to change the radio channel we always listened to, have to watch different TV programs now and generally try to do things differently because if I didn't do this it would feel to similar to what we used to do together and his absence would be enhanced by this normality. My friend introduced me to the band "Imagine Dragons" who I absolutely adore now. And one of their songs from their album "night vision" is called "Demons" which I always play when I'm down because it reflects how I feel and what's going on inside me. Everyone in this forum is having to deal with a dark sadness which we all have inside us every second of the day. Maybe this song will make you feel more normal too and even help you a bit:
  7. Hi Steve's Mom, Thank you for your post. I too am very sorry for your losses - both were sudden and very tragic. I obviously don't know the circumstances of your sister's death but if you trust her husband maybe just believe him no matter how surreal this story seems? Since I've told people about my husband there were a few who told me that they lost their best friend or aunt that way too. And also the stuff I hear in my selfhelp group is gruesome. I have come to the conclusion that we (healthy-minded people) cannot even begin to imagine the strain it puts on people that are battling their inner demons all their lives. The fact that your sister died the way she did, may actually be explained with her depression. I know now that people do the strangest out-of their normal character things when they are in this mindset. I mean, my husband was always so bubbly and cheerful - he was my sunshine and I was his. How can he then look me in the eyes in the morning the loving way he always did, knowng full well what he will do 5h later? We even spoke on the phone during my lunch break the way we always did and discussed what I'd cook for dinner when I come home. I cannot get my head round this, no matter how much I tell myself he must have been suffering from depression. With regards to your son I do feel ever so sorry for your loss and hope you have found a way to manage this grief. No parent should have to loose a child. I just want to hug you and say that everything will be okay...but then I can't say that because who am I to know or to say? I ask myself every morning what the point is of getting up. It is so hard to keep going and find the motivation to manage very day one after another. It's been 8 weeks now since I lost my husband and reality has pushed the shock and disbelief aside. I feel very lonely and hate being by myself some nights but this also gives me time to reflect and let the grief out. Even though I haven't found my new purpose of life yet and with all the deaths and misfortunes that are currently happening around me, I can't say life makes any sense to me. But in this terrible time I have come to realise what amazing people there are around me and how much I'm loved. This is the only reason that keeps me going right now.
  8. Dear emptyandlost, I'm really sorry to see how you're hurting and I do wish you to find your way through this. It scares me to read about the pain that has enveloped you after six months coz I lost my husband only three weeks ago and realising that the same pain I'm in now won't be any better in six months time is daunting. I'm only just getting into the anger stage, now that the shock is wearing off. I'm angry with him for leaving me alone. I'm angry with him for letting me fall in love with him 10 years ago and not telling me about his depression and waiting until I love him so much that he means everything to me and then decide to leave me this way! I have nothing left. I'm only 29 and we haven't got any children yet, so I'm left with this big whole in my life and it sucks! It really hurts. I never thought life can be so terrible and I too have lost sight of the sense of life. I totally understand how you feel even though we are hurting for different people in our lives. I understand the burden on your shoulders and can feel how it is weighing more and more down every day because without the right support you are becoming more and more tired, mentally, pysically and emotionally. But you mentioned one key aspect in your current life that you have to manifest in your heart and head as THE reason to hang on and to make every effort to get better yourself - the key is your brother. I'm not talking about the key being that you have to be strong for him, no I mean the simple fact that he is your brother and this means there is a big part of your beloved Mum in him! See, I wish me and my husband had children because this would mean that there would be somebody partly made of my husband which I would want to cling on too. I have only been in this situation for 3 weeks, so my burden is not as heavy as yours yet but I'm personally finding comfort in talking to people who have gone through similar, either in group meetings or in 1:1 sessions. I don't live in America so can't make particular recommendations but I would honestly recommend you to find a group/charity that offers support for people who have lost someone through suicide. It won't change the situation but nothing can change the situation anyway. What we both have to focus on now is ensuring that we seek the help that is right for us to aid us through this most traumatic part of our lives that we'll ever experience. I know it's hard to make the effort to look after yourself. I can't say I've been eating much and if it wasn't for my friends I'd probably be absolutely exhausted now coz neglecting our physical health will affect our healing process. Coping with a situation like this is the most stressful and strenious process the human body has to go through, mentally, emotionally and physically. So by not eating or taking drugs we are jeopardising our physical health without which we cannot overcome this no matter how much support we have to deal with the mental/emotional side of things. You might ask, why should we - at least I do - but this is natural. We have lost a major part in our lives in a way that we will never fully comprehend. I too tried to piece the puzzle together, asked myself why and wondered what if I had come home earlier that day or what if I had said "I love you" more often...but you know what, as much as I feel I could have been more loving and supportive, I have come to sort of accept that all the ifs and buts wouldn't have changed the outcome after all coz if it hadn't happened that particular day it would be very, very likely that it would have happened a different day. As far as I understand (after having read up on depression and spoken to a couple of depressed friends I have) depression is something you're born with and as you go on fighting your inner battle with life the demons inside you grow in strength. Tablets can calm this down for a while but nothing mankind have invented so far can actually cure the chemical disposition that's apparent coz the human brain is too complex. Even though we might be able to identify what we believe to be triggers (in my husband's case it was a pending court case the day after he took the overdose), no single aspect in life will coz this action, it's always a collection of things and they don't have to happen at once. I don't know if I could help you with what I said but I hope that what you take from it is, that you have something in your life to hang on to - your brother, part of your Mum. And once you start talking to people who have gone through the same or find a counselor who might have gone through the same, you will learn how to cope with your emotions in a better way than taking drugs. I personally feel I need to find a new purpose in life to give me the motivation to keep going, what that exactly is I don't know yet. And I wish for you that you will find your motivation to get better and live life with your brother and dad. Take care, Francy
  9. Thank you for your comments. It's strange how talking to people who have experienced the same makes you feel better even though it doesn't change the situation. I suppose this is a burden on our hearts which will always stay with us, it's just that with time it settles on our hearts in a way which still makes it heavier but weighs it down less - and maybe even to a point where it becomes one with the heart which will then enable us to feel joy again and live on? Almost like a fence growing into a tree: At first it creates a wound and then is slowly growing over and wrps it up. Don't worry I'm not going anywhere. I'm just on auto-pilot and function because I have to. Just having to find the sense of going on... My friend is taking me to yoga next week and my other firend wants me to be the god mother of her daughter - they are trying really hard to get my spark back into life and I feel very lucky to have these people in my life. It's just that at the end of the working day I'm coming home to pets and not my husband. I used to ring him every lunch time, now I don't have anyone to ring at lunch anymore. I don't have anyone to cook for anymore unless friends are around. I'm just so hurt by what he has done. He was the most important aspect of my life and now he's gone which really hurts. I'm going to a self-help group next Thursday where I'll meet lots of other people who have lost someone through suicide. I'm very helpful that I will find comfort in listening and talking to them. Thanks again for your comments guys and Sherry, I'm not religious but your words made me feel better and I even downloaded the Gaithers onto my phone. Sometimes I wish I was religious because the faith would give me something to hang on to rather than being left with no sense of life.
  10. Hi, This is my first post. I've been desparately trying to find face to face counseling specific to what I have experienced but suicide and depression still seems to be brushed under the carpet in England. I had a counseling session with a charity for bereavement support last week but felt very neutral afterwards because I feel that the lady would have said exactly the same to someone who lost their spouse through a heart attack or car accident, but this is different, isn't it!? No matter how much I tell myself that my husband must have been depressed, I just cannot get my head round him having actually committed suicide! I am 29 and moved to England from Germany when I was 19 because we were madly in love and have been ever since. We never argued and were most happy when we were together. He was always my rock but was also open to show and talk about his feelings. We had such an open, honest and loving relationship. Why could he not talk to me about the demons inside him? How can he just leave me like that? I've lost everything because he was my everything, my purpose of life! On Monday, 21st October 2013 I came home late from work, about 6.30pm. He normally waits in the front room for me when he is home before me but he wasn't there. I shouted Hello coz I thought he might be upstairs, then I put the keys on the kitchen table and found a note addressed to me. It said: My dearest Francesca, You are the best that ever happened to me. I'm sorry I have deceived you. I feel worthless and this action is something I have been thinking about for some time. I hope you can forgive me in time. Please send my apologies and love to everyone that matters. I love you more than I can say. David Panic-struck I ran upstairs and found him on his stomach on the floor in the main bedroom. I shouted his name and rang my friend as well as the emergency line straight away. The lady on the phone talked me through the CPR which I did for 8min until the first coresponder appeard, then the second and third ambulance cars arrived and my friend was able to take me downstairs. After half an hour or so they confirmed that it was too late: He took an overdose of pain killers. My friend said that he wanted to look as peaceful as possible when I found him which is why he chose our bed. He just didn't anticipate the stomach cramps that would lift him out of bed onto the floor. Feeling simply numb I was interviewed by the police and said goodbye to him before the undertakers took him to the nearby hospital. Still feeling numb I rang my Mum, his brother and so on and so on. Every single one of them screamed, cried, shouted, wept immediately - not me - I was just numb, composed and shaking. In the following two weeks lots of David's family and friends as well as my parents, friends and colleagues came to my house. I never manged to go to bed before 3am on any of those nights as we ended up chatting, trying to analyse the reasons why. Nobody knew he was depressed. Nobody would have thought... David was such an open and friendly person, always had a big smile on his face and healthy rosy cheeks underneath his gentle brown eyes. It's 3 weeks today, I have been back at work for three half days and it actually offered me a welcomed distraction in the morning but I don't know how to cope and am struggling to get the advice I need. This afternoon/evening was the first time that I was by myself which set off my first proper crying fit. Everytime I think of what David did, my stomach turns over, I feel ill and start to shake. I describe it as anxiety. I also tell myself that this is so unreal that I must wake up any minute and it'll be alright, David would never do such a thing! Why should he? We were so happy! We haven't had children yet, so he left me totally alone, I don't have anything to hold on to - not a single piece of him...well, we had our little "family" actually: two cats and a house rabbit. I have to look after them now coz they are all I've got - pets. I have this amazing support from my friends, my work, David's family and friends and I'm not even native! My parents are worried of course but understand that my life and home is in England. I feel so bad because despite all this love and support I really don't want to live anymore! What for? I never knew life can be so terrible and I can't see the sense in anything anymore. I know I need a new purpose in life to help me get through this but I just can't find it at the moment. Can anyone help me find my way please? Thanks, Francy