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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About wgreenlee

  • Rank
    A thousand memories...a thousand smiles!
  • Birthday 05/18/1963

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Carson City, NV
  • Interests
    Golf, reading, baseball
  • Loss Type
    24 yr. old only son victim of homicide
  • Angel Date
    May 18, 1989 - September 9, 2013

Contact Methods

  • Yahoo


  • Occupation
    Math Teacher
  • Last Name
  • First Name
  • Zip

Recent Profile Visitors

10,877 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just wanted to stop in for awhile. Sitting at Brooks' grave and wondering how life could have taken such a hard turn. Three and a half years in normal time. A day...a week...maybe a month in my grief time. Just can't figure it out. It is peaceful here. About the only place I find peace anymore. Brooks would laugh at that, because he could always find the positive. He got that from me, but I just don't have that in me anymore. I see new names along with the old familiar ones. Those who's amazing compassion fended off the dark days. I hope the peace of this place finds it's way into your heart and soul to help you walk this difficult journey. Found this in Brooks' notebook not long ago. He made it into a song too, but it is hard lately to listen to those. Everyone tells me I'm lucky to have those, but I don't feel lucky. I still think of all of you even though I don't really post anymore. It is just so hard. Who would have thought you'd be my angel, son. I miss you so very very much. Angel in Disguise You're an angel in disguise Can you help me find my wings? I look into your eyes and see what perfect love brings I want to be your inspiration The man to sweep you off your feet The man to take your breath away each and every time we meet Would you show me all the things you love and tell me where to start? How to find the key that will unlock your loving heart? Can you see our future together? Can you see how far it goes? How far away is forever? Does anyone really know? Would you be happy in my arms until the day we die? I'll love you more each day and never let time pass us by I'll always try to keep that spark as strong as it is today I'll help you fight your fears until each one is gone away I'll never hurt you, nor love another I swear it's true You're my angel in disguise I found my wings because of you
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    You have all warmed my heart and I can feel the love, which gives me strength. Amazing how words like these over such long distances heal the soul. I am so thankful for this site to be able to come back to. I believe I will stay awhile. Gretchen, I noticed the new name, "tobyfreefoot," and would like to hear that story. What an awesome picture...your own little hide-a-away. Kate, I do still go salmon fishing, but I probably won't this year. It is hard on Renea to be alone for the summer. She knows it helps my soul, but I have been too selfish in that respect. Please tell Ross thank you for the thoughts. I do get to the gym and it sure does release that stress. Dee, the Cubbies won! Brooks would have loved that so much. As always before, I am uplifted by your words. You are truly an inspiration. Sandy, we are all bound by a common thread. I have watched many videos and read many books to try and find my way and they all say that same thing. I hope your friend's daughter beats that cancer. It does seem to happen more often. Dianne, thank you for your words of encouragement. I remember my first post here. Basically I said I found this site, but didn't know what to do, but it didn't take long for the words of love and hope to reach me. I need to find that again. I need to find my "happy thoughts"... those marbles that will help me fly free again. Georgina, for you...
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    I have been gone too long from this place of refuge. I should never have left. Thought I was ok. I see many of the same names and am encouraged that you are still here. I am sorry that I have missed so many birthdays and Angelversaries. I still have all the pictures and videos and look at them often. I guess what brought me here again is a good friend just lost his only son on Friday, and I am so heartbroken for him and his family. His son was also a friend of Brooks' and I had him in my class. I have not progressed very far on my grief journey. In fact, for all the steps forward I thought I had walked, I seem to be only walking backward. It's been over three years and I have still not accepted the loss of Brooks. Anyway...I am afraid. I don't want to go to the funeral. I don't want to go to the wake. I don't want to break down anymore. We have talked and he wants to talk more after everything gets settled down a little. I will be there for him and his wife and will of course go to the funeral and wake to hug and comfort them, but I am still afraid. Since Brooks' death, I have been to five other funerals for his friends. It's just crazy. How is this possible? I am just tired of death. I could use some good thoughts and advice, because it almost feels like I'm going to Brooks' service again. On a positive note, Mikey, Brooks' "stepson/more like brother," is making it on his own so I signed over Brooks' truck to him. He has kept it beautiful and has promised not to sell it without telling me. I still talk to Shauna and her other children, but Mikey and I have created a bond. He misses Brooks a lot. Makes me feel good to know that my son had that impact on him. Brooks would have been a good dad. Mikey has a graphic arts business and created this shirt for me and one of my students sketched this picture. I have lost faith, but still have some hope, and I send that on to all of you. It will be ok...it must be ok. Hugs to all of you!
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Merry Christmas to everyone here. It has been a long time. I am getting by... Not enough steps forward I guess. Seeing a grief therapist. I read and read and read posts as they come into my email. Always thought I could do this... It was a beautiful winter wonderland in Carson the last few days. Pure white snow and peaceful. Peace...love...hope to all!!!
  5. My son, Brooks...

  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Out in the middle of Cook Inlet right now. Haven't had any time to check in. Sorry about missing special days. Goergina is having trouble signing in and wanted you to know, Gretchen, that she thought of you and Forest. Me too! Yesterday was hard, especially being apart from Renea. We talked alot though. She visited Brooks for me. Brooks' friend, Danny, is now living with us. He is using Brooks' room and he and Renea made it all nice for him. I know that was hard on both of them, but it looks good. Danny is really looking for a new start in life. He is tired of how drugs have controlled him. I hope being with us will make a difference. He has a graveyard job and that's good so he can use our car. I miss my boy more than ever when I am up here, but I have good people with me. Makes all the difference. Asked for some new memories on FB and Brooks' friends and even a few teachers responded. That was good for me. Well, we're looking for 'jumpers'...salmon that jump out of the water so we have a better idea of where their 'friends' are. Take care and much love sent to all of you!
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    If you go to the link below and then paste any YouTube link in the box at the top, you can save that video to your computer. Videos tend to run better from your computer vs online. http://en.savefrom.net
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Grief of your child is such a long, arduous journey. I hope this helps. With all my love!
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Your children are BEAUTIFUL! As I finish the video, I can't explain the emotions...loss...anger...pain...hope...love...tears...smiles... I am getting to know all of your precious angels better and better...and they shine bright. I feel so honored to be part of their life. All the memories...I feel them like I was there...and I wish there were more. I wish I could have met each of them. There are so many things I would like to tell them. My son has a family in heaven...of that I am certain. Love to every one of you today. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life!!!
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Someone asked me about my faith recently, and I thought hard about posting my response here. I do not know how all of you feel about your "faith", but these last two weeks have been turbulent, and I think I needed to write this...not so much to help others...maybe it will...but mainly to help myself. I do not want to go where I was before, because it was scary bad...so here goes... I grew up Catholic and then married a "Southern Baptist" wife. We had the most amazing church and friends in Las Vegas where we moved when I got my first teaching job. We enrolled Brooks in a good church school and were so happy with them too. When we moved to Carson City we found a nice little church and found another wonderful pastor and good friends. I tell everyone that God and I are still close, but we're just not talking right now. I know it's irrational, but I'm so very mad at Him now. My "saving" grace in all this is that I know He understands. With all the faith I have I believe there is a heaven and I know Brooks believed this, as well. There have been too many instances since Brooks died where God has shown He is still there for me for them to be simply coincidental. They have all been in moments when I just didn't think I could go on...literally...that's how bad it was. I will tell you of one instant that is beyond my comprehension and I just didn't rely on faith, but looked at it analytically, too. This was back on August 19 last year as Brooks' first Angelversary was coming up. I was in a bad way emotionally so I went to work out at my gym. I ran and ran and ran and cried the whole time. I was so upset with everything...so angry...so depressed...so emotional... Since I only had this cheap flip phone I was using Brooks' smartphone for music so I had both with me. This was before I had changed my number to his phone. When I got into my truck my phone rang. It was coming from Brooks' phone, because it said his name. I answered, of course, but didn't say anything. The phone call then ended. I became even more emotional, because I thought, "How stupid am I?"... I didn't even say "I love you, son." I waited for my phone to ring again so I could say those words, but after five minutes nothing happened so I decided to head home. I figured I must have bumped his phone somehow and that's how I got the call. Brooks' grave is on the way so I stopped like I usually do. When I got to the cemetery I made sure I had my phone in one hand and Brooks' phone in the other so I didn't bump anything. I prayed and prayed that I would get another phone call so I could tell him I love him. As I stood in front of his grave crying and praying my phone rang again and it was Brooks. There was nobody on the line, but I talked and talked for about five minutes and told him everything I could. Now, the part where I know this came from God and He allowed me this miracle. Again, the contact information that showed up on my phone said it was from Brooks, and when I looked at his call history it had my number, but only 400-7465 WITHOUT the 3-digit prefix (775). When I looked at his contacts for me the prefix was there. When I looked at previous calls from him before he died, both my phone and his phone all had "Dad". Nowhere on his phone had he just that 7-digit number without using the contacts. There was no way I could have bumped his phone and actually dialed those numbers. If I had somehow touched a previous call it would have come up on his phone as being to "Dad." Being skeptical because we "humans" don't seem to accept miracles anymore, I looked at every contact and nowhere was there a contact for "dad" under just the 400-7465 number. I looked at calls he made to other people and checked their contact information and every time they matched. The next day I went to the ATT store and asked them if a caller ID ever lacked the whole number typed into the sender contacts and they said "no." The contact number would automatically be exactly the same on the phone it called. I believe God made it an aberration so I would know it was Him. I did not question it after that. I have never since gotten another phone call, but I also have never since been in the state I was. There have been other instances when I needed something healing, and Inexplicably someone showed up at his grave for me, or suddenly a post on FB would appear where a friend remembered him and said something to ease my pain. Or someone here wrote words that fit perfectly in my heart. And then, of course, the deer at his grave the other week...right when Renea and I needed it the most. I have never seen them before...ever. Why am I so angry with God? As Brooks grew up I prayed fervently every night for my son's life...his safety...and later for strength for both of us to battle his addiction to drugs (a late addiction derailed a college scholarship to play baseball and interest from some pro teams). He had "life by the tail." I was there for him every step of the way through his baseball career...we were inseparable and both loved being together. I was there for him through his addiction...he fought it at every turn and never blamed anyone else and continually made strides only to be sucked back in...many times I cradled him in my arms as he went through withdrawals and asked me to help him through it. Finally he was accepted into a men's only Salvation Army rehab program that was pretty no-nonsense with a very good reputation...but so tough...six months with limited contact. Most guys were much older than Brooks and had more serious addictions and didn't finish. It was obviously religion based and we would see Brooks every Wednesday and Sunday at church for the first month, but were allowed no contact. At the fifth week we went to the Wednesday service and they said Brooks and another man had left the program. The counselors said it was over a petty thing, but Brooks and the other boy thought they would be sent out of the program, which would probably mean jail time for them. So they figured they would leave so the authorities couldn't come and arrest them. They didn't know it, but the authorities wouldn't have come anyway. Dumb decison, but so is addiction. I was devastated but Renea and I immediately drove around Reno looking for them. Reno is about 300, 000 people so it's a big city, and we found them after only about 15 minutes. I told both of them we were going back to the service and see if they would accept them back. Both said it wouldn't happen, because they were told that at the beginning of the program. I didn't care and believed God helped me find them so it would work out. When we got back to the service they were just finishing up. Everybody looked at us as we entered and many of the men nodded to us and smiled. As the time came for prayer requests...you would walk up to the front and kneel and the leaders would take your prayers...I went up with Renea, Brooks, and the other boy, and we laid it out for God. I needed Brooks to stay in the program, not because I was afraid of him going to jail, but because I wanted him to defeat his addiction and have a life that we could live together and enjoy. After the service while the counselors and pastor were talking it over, almost every man in the program came over and hugged all of us, and told Brooks that he meant alot to them...I found out later from the counselors that Brooks seemed to make everything better for the older guys with his optimism about his future... his singing... his dancing... how he shared what addiction had done to him and us. Even in the depth of his addiction he maintained a good outlook. He didn't want to disappoint us and fought and fought to overcome it. He already had a close relationship with the counselors and they could see him staying after he graduated to become a counselor himself. The counselors were all previous graduates. After everyone had left...although they were all waiting outside...the counselors came over with the pastor and told us that they were going to allow the boys to stay in the program, but they would have to start at the beginning again. The pastor said they had never, ever done this and it was against the rules, but Brooks had demonstrated that he wanted to be clean and since we had come back to the service they thought maybe God was telling them something. They told us that if we had come the next day or even later that evening they wouldn't have allowed the boys back. I guess the other boy hadn't been doing so well, but they couldn't accept one back in and not the other. Brooks said later that he eventually did leave. When we left the sanctuary the men were still waiting and were so happy that Brooks was back in the program....clapping him on the back. He was grinning from ear to ear. I remember so vividly him hugging me and his mom and telling us how thankful he was for us and how he knew he was going to beat his addiction this time. It was like the biggest weight was lifted from all of our shoulders. Funny how life changes in an instant... So hard to describe that feeling of elation and knowing God provided that miracle. Brooks completed the program, met Shauna and the kids, and stayed clean. He drank a little at parties and stuff, but I remember him telling me it just wasn't the same and didn't feel the need to get high or drunk to have fun. I thought everything was truly right in our world until he was killed. With all the faith I had...from the essence of who I was...I thought that God had some important works for him, and everything we had gone through for the past five years had prepared us...prepared him...for something glorious. I was so sure that my prayers were being heard and answered and I had my son back like before. I thought I was the most blessed person on Earth. Brooks and Shauna were perfect for each other, and he adored those kids...went to their open houses...talked with their teachers...the whole "dad thing" and he had purpose. But then...from the moment I saw the officer at our door that terrible morning, my faith has been shaken beyond my comprehension. How could all of that have happened...and then this? So I am angry at God, but that doesn't mean I don't think there is a God...being angry at Him just reaffirms my belief in God. I just don't understand!!! My mortal mind cannot comprehend the death of my son...how he died...how God could take my only son. But I know deep down inside that it wasn't God who took my son. It was a man with a gun...maybe on drugs...maybe with mental illness, but not God. I know that I am just lashing out at God, because that's all I can do. He's the scapegoat... How do I deal with that emotion? It's so irrational in some ways, but so very real in other ways. Now, all my faith tells me that my son is indeed in Heaven. i believe that with all my heart and soul just like I know that God gave me 24 wonderful years with Brooks to cherish and that I will see him again. It's hard to explain my feelings in words, even though I'm writing a lot of them, but one amazing day I will be with my son and we will hug like we did outside the door at the Salvation Army, and he will tell me thanks again for being patient with him and not giving up. I get up every day and go to bed every night not praying, but telling God that I am holding Him to the promise of heaven and our reunion. That is what I cling to on those days when life seems to hold no meaning and all seems lost in my world. I tell Him I don't understand but I will be patient and I will see my son again and everything will be ok again. Bad things happen in life and we are experiencing the most terrible thing. I don't believe it is God's will. My faith is absolute in God, even though I am shaken to the core. What else can I do? I think I mentioned this before. I reached out to the family of the man who shot Brooks. I sent a sympathy card first, then brought them a Christmas card, and on Brooks' Angelversary brought them a card, because it their son's too. I think how horrible it would be to lose your son, and know that he took another's life on top of that. Renea goes to a Christian book club at a church and the parents of this man bring donuts to the church every Sunday...they own a wonderful donut place in town...and they had mentioned to the pastor how devastated they were for us. I don't go there very often now...too painful...but when I do I get a big hug and nothing really needs to be said. I wonder who gets more solace from my actions...me or them? One of the reasons I made the original video of our beloved children was to remind myself that others were hurting like me, and that our children need to be remembered, not just by those close to them, but by anyone who came across the video. God didn't necessarily answer my prayers before for Brooks, but I know his life will still have meaning. His friends tell me that all the time...even after all these many months. I am so thankful for this group...for what we share even in our deepest grief...no matter how long ago the loss. I so needed that when I first came to Indigo and it was provided for me. Took me a long time to find it though. I believe I have it now. As I am making a new video I see the children of those who were here before me, those who are new here, and even those who haven't been on here for such a long time, and I want you to know that they will never be forgotten...ever. I have been reading all the old posts...so much pain...but yet so much love...for our children and for each other. For me, personally, it is hard to explain how it effects me...my world before was a small, little bubble, and only certain people were allowed in. I am so changed...as a person...teacher...even a husband, although I must do better there for Renea. What I wouldn't give to just have a minute more with Brooks, but in some ways all of you here make it seem like I have that minute with him...that and more. I just can't tell you all how blessed I feel for that. Doesn't seem like I should feel blessed, but I am and I think that is the beginning of my hope. Thank you!
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Gretchen... As I was downloading pictures I watched Forest's videos and they were wonderful. The video with all the special moments mesmerized me. He so reminded me of Brooks and the video stuff I have of him...fun-loving...goofy...having fun with his girl...playing video games...so many memories. Ashley seemed like the perfect fit for him, too. Thank you so much for posting them. There were times during the video I almost could see Brooks doing the same things. I don't know how many times Brooks ran out of gas, but I have five...five...gas cans in my garage and they are all from him. Those were good memories of Forest and I smiled...
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    "I want to see my family...my wife and child are waiting for me." Part of song from Iron and Wine, "Love Vigilantes," that I just listened to...shampooing my brother-in-law's carpet in Vegas...and tears start flowing. Such a little thing to bring about so much emotion, but I will be ok...we will all be ok. Tears are memories and I know they cleanse me...it is part of grief-work and it is ok. As David said in the Bible..."I will go to him."
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    For anyone who want to create an album on Indigo... Here's directions on uploading and attaching pictures: Creating a picture album: 1) click on your profile picture 2) click on "edit my profile" 3) click on the "gallery" word next to your "settings"...NOT the gallery at the top of the screen (this one gets you to all the galleries made by members...although I like to look through them and make comments to let others know someone is seeing their pictures) 4) click on "create a new album" 5) click on "create new album"...then name it and determine the other options Directions to add pictures to this album when you are on this posting page: 1) click on your profile picture 2) click on "gallery" below your profile picture...again NOT the one at the top of the page 3) click on the new album you just made 4) click on "upload" 5) click on "choose files" 6) find the file on your computer where you have your pictures and select them 7) click on "review and publish" 8) title, tag it (I use Brooks' name), and write a description if you want 9) click on "finish and publish" Your pictures are now in the album: Attaching pictures in your post: 1) click on "my media"...next to the smiley face 2) click on "gallery images" 3) click on the picture(s) you want attached and then "finished"...your picture will show up wherever your cursor was on this post... then post whenever you are done with your post...lost of steps but easy.... Or you can send them to my email and will be happy to post them for you. This is one of Brooks' best friends and she and her sister visit him every week. Many times I've gone there and seen them listening to music and dancing with him, just like always. These are the times that keep me going...knowing his essence is still with his friends and they REMEMBER him.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    I have been really busy with "stuff" so I have missed so much on here. I will create another video this week to add our new angels. If you post pictures I will save them to my computer like I have been or you can send them to my email...wade405@yahoo.com. If you have favorite music let me know and I will add that too. This is good grief-work for me and I am more than honored to be part of your angels' lives. I too think with our connection that our children are together. Renea and I are heading out to Las Vegas today to see her brother and then on to Minnesota with our families. Then I journey on to Alaska again for the whole month of July to commercial salmon fish on the Cook Inlet. Renea was fortunate to get a whole month of work at the Juvenile Detention Center so she feels better about me being away. I wasn't going to go, but then we thought she could come up for a couple of weeks. Now, this is good because we both will be busy, even though we will be apart. I need that wide open ocean and the peacefulness it brings to renew my commitment to Brooks that "I will be ok." For those new who I have not met...I am so sorry you are here...but this is the best place I know to grieve and share. There is hope and I found it here. Please share your children with me and I will honor them on the video. The other video brings tears to my eyes every time, but seeing Brooks with all our angels constantly demonstrates the connection I feel here. It does make me feel better knowing Brooks is with awesome people in heaven. Sounds goofy, but it is what I feel and it makes this journey much more bearable. With all the faith I have I think God is allowing us that connection for He knows our grief and how amazing our children lived their lives. With all the steps forward I had last week there were a few backwards again. One of Brooks' friends called me and wanted his number as he wasn't getting in touch with him. Of course, reliving all those times when I had to tell people my son had passed made it seem like it just happened again. I think that must be the same with everyone. It could have just happened last week... I see myself in Rod's garage constructing Brooks' casket, and I can only think, "How could this be happening?" And I lost Brooks' quarter I had been carrying around with me since I first picked up his truck where he was killed. He had left me a quarter and a nickel and I had kept them in my pocket ever since. I was frantic about it, but I lost it outside and just couldn't find it. For crying out loud, it was only 30 cents... Why should something like that be so traumatic? I have since gone and checked a few more times but "nothing." I remembered every thing about that quarter...the feel of it...the dinged edges... I don't know if I ever told this, but when I went to pick up his truck I turned on the radio and it was Renea's favorite Christian station. Brooks was so into the rap that I find comfort knowing the last thing he listened to was God's music... Brooks' phone finally kicked out on me so I had to get a new one. It's screen was cracked, but Brooks had a Voxer message he sent to Shauna right after it happened so it was "his" crack. I go back often and listen to his voice, and am always thankful I have those memories. Dang, this grief-work is hard, but I will be ok...WE will be ok. Heading over to see Brooks now before we leave. I know his friends will visit him when we are gone... Love and hope to all of you!!!