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ShandasMom

Members
  • Content count

    17
  • Joined

  • Last visited

2 Followers

About ShandasMom

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday 10/16/1954

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    United States
  • Loss Type
    36 yr. old daughter
  • Angel Date
    07/06/2013

Converted

  • Occupation
    Supply Management
  • Interests
    Finding the truth
  • Last Name
    Kangas
  • First Name
    Mary
  • Zip
    50702
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Signed off now.... thanks for... well,.... Maybe I didn't post the right things?
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Awesome Trista's Mom... simply awesome story.. Loved it. I also loved Legends of the Fall (movie). Great that you have a story like that to tell. I support you.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    I would love to answer this question! I found my daughter's name in a baby "name" book but it was spelled Chanda, not Shanda. However, as it turned out, she had a lifetime of people mis-pronouncing her name. It is correctly pronounced: Shan - Duh, with the "Shan" sounding like the forepart of a crystal "chandelier". Many people wanted to put a "U" in it somewhere and pronounce it: Shaun - duh. Or perhaps: Shan - DRA. Or Shaw - na (with a short "A"). It drove me nuts and I am sure it made her crazy too. Shanda - rhymed with Panda. It was not that difficult really, but most couldn't get it right.... Her middle name was "Fawn" and I know that is sort of weird. At the time of her birth I was living in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where there were a lot of deer and her father was a big deer hunter. Somehow we wanted her middle name to be Fawn, so it was ~ Shanda Fawn - there was only ONE Shanda Fawn and now she is GONE.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dear Kate, I agree, I look forward to Dee's posts because she always has it "spot on". Thanks to Dee for that. Okay, so I won't quit posting... I don't know where else to go with this pain. Facebook is totally sick of me, and I have even had friends "unfriend and block" me. One time, I had a good male friend of my late daughter's post on Facebook that he was shocked by learning he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. He is only about 36 yrs. old. I went to his Facebook page, after he had telephoned me to get suggestions from me since I had been though the same thing, to see what he was saying to his friends and more importantly what HIS friends were saying to HIM. I was not surprised when almost every comment made on his announcement post where he said he had just found out he had lung cancer was this, "You're in my thoughts and prayers." It made me so angry, so angry - because anytime someone announces that they have had a loss (such as a death) or a serious illness diagnosis people always say the SAME thing. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I even Googled the term just to see if I was the only person who felt that way. When I learned that others DID feel the same way about using this "catch all" phrase I put a long post on my own Facebook page addressing this. I simply said that people should use that phrase with care. IF they truly are going to lay their head down at night, or kneel by their bed with hands clasped and PRAY for that person - then fine. However, what percentage of people that say they will pray for you actually DO? I further went on in my post that instead of saying that common phrase how about saying some things like this? - "Could I come over and sit with you a while?" "Do you need any food preparation?" "I would like to give you a restaurant gift certificate so you don't have to think about cooking at a time like this..." Or, how about - "could I call you so you can tell me all about what happened or is about to happen if you got DXed with some serious health condition?" No, no, no, no one says anything like that. It is simply much easier to use the catch all and then the person feels like they have made an effort to convey they are somehow helping that person. Anyway, so one of my oldest and dearest friends from my youth unfriended me because it made her so mad at me. She also blocked me on Facebook. She IS a very religious person so I am sure she was one of the small percentage of people who were actually, truly praying for me, but she took it all wrong. The day I posted that I was speaking on behalf of my friend's cancer diagnosis not my own loss of my daughter. However, I guess I didn't make the distinction so she took it the wrong way. She angrily said, "well, fine then, i won't pray for you any longer" and then proceeded to unfriend me. This woman has never even bore a child so how she have possibly known my pain anyway. Again, I don't mean to offend anyone here, but I think we all could agree that "in-person" support, or phone call support, or any other physical gesture is usually much better than using that statement and then disappearing from the picture. From the reading I have done people do that because they don't know what else to say, or to do, so they revert back to that phrase. I am also told you need to give those people a break because they really don't know.... It's just that I think they should be more wise than that and offer something that will really help, not words that get so repeated, time and time again when you are in such a place that nothing will soothe your pain. Just my two cents worth. Thanks for reading. Mary
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am sorry, I do apologize. I am in so much pain I don't know what to do. I feel perhaps?? just perhaps? if I really knew what happened that day I might feel differently. I mean, to clarify, I wouldn't have any less grief, but I might be able to have more closure to her death than not knowing. When I let my thoughts turn to how all the "powers that be" failed her at every single turn it just makes me sick to my stomach. Today, I am going to the scene and shoot a video with my smartphone and then post it on the internet. The purpose of that is to show all the nay-sayers, doubters, and others who don't understand why I still seek the truth and more information "may" then understand why I am still in so much pain and suffering. The ones that just think you should "get over it" and "give up the fight". I will not do that... Not until I get my pound of flesh from whomever I can get it from. I have a large antique and collectible doll collection and have decided to sell all of them. I might need the money and they are meaningless to me now anyway. Nothing hold meaning. It is only 12 weeks today and although that seems like a long time - 3 MONTHS, it doesn't really feel like any length of time at all. The pain is more raw than ever before. I cry all the time. My granddaughter came home from school yesterday and finally got her "bow" for her violin. She took the instrument out of it's case, and then the bow and began playing. I burst into tears that her mother could never see this. I am sure I will cry at every school performance she ever has knowing her mother can't be there. I guess i were a better "believer" I would try to think that her mother WAS there and seeing, watching her daughter, but I'm not there yet. I am invited to a church tomorrow to witness a wedding. My daughter and her husband got married in this same church. When my daughter was incarcerated in a county jail (in 2009 and then again in June) she did Bible Study once per week with this pastor. This past June when she had to go back to the same jail for 29 days, she talked another inmate (man) to join her and the pastor with Bible Study. This man attributes my daughter's request to have him join in Bible Study to bring him to the Lord. When the Pastor told this man that he would ask me and Shanda's daughter to attend the wedding he was so pleased and wants us to come. How will I hold up? Well, I simply won't. I'll cry through the whole thing I am sure. I'll try to cut back on my posting and just read things here. I don't expect anyone to hold my hand.... I was wrong in what I posted last night and I do apologize. Blessings to all. Mary
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    How long do you have to be a member of this site until people reach out to you specifically? Right now I am feeling like you need to be a major or significant contributor to this site before anyone acknowledges your individual pain. I have posted numerous things, but all the posts I see are written to others, that have perhaps been here for a while... What did I do wrong in joining this site to be not noticed? Not given support? Just overlooked? I am wondering....?
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    I read all your responses - ALL of them and I find I am in the exact same place. Most people (other people without a loss) tells me it will "get better", well I would like to know when that will be? I feel like it is getting worse.... sometimes by the minute, and certainly by the day. Does anyone have any advice on where you can turn your thoughts when you wake up in the night? I used to think of running water when I couldn't sleep, but since my daughter's death was drowning I can't possibly think of that any more... When she first died, I thought of an upside down black triangle, and tried to picture that in my mind and then focus on it. I know that sounds silly and I don't know wherever I came up with that idea. It worked for a while, but it doesn't now. One time, several years ago, I had a very painful breakup with a significant other. I was told in order to not continually think of him and the loss to SCREAM the alphabet in your head. I have not tried that, but am wondering what others do when their thoughts turn to their loss children? Maybe mine is a tiny bit different (not to take away from anyone else's loss), but my daughter's death was so tragic and so unanswered...no clear reason what or how it happened. I ran across a YouTube video that some local yocal had put together of the day her body was discovered and now all I can see in my mind is the one screen shot of several uniformed police officers standing around and two of them were laughing. (can you believe it? how painful that is?) omigosh... It was right by some giant roadside reflectors and that image is ingrained in my mind when I wake up at night... Any advice would be appreciated....
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    UNBELIEVABLE --- that so many people are fighting for the truth in the name of their lost one like I am. Even when there is 3000+ pounds of steel involved parents are fighting for the truth! Good for you! Good for you! "I" am fighting because the PD screwed up my daughter's investigation. I have NOTHING to prove that she did it herself or it was part of a murderous scheme because the police gave up even before it was started! Where does that leave me? Give up? You can't fight "CIty Hall"???? What shall I do? I have an agenda, but I am so tired...sooo tired of fighting. I can't sleep, I can't eat, sometimes I think that I am losing my mind = crazy. I am going to confront the PD and my Ombudsmen's Office told me there is a Statue of Limitations so now - on top of everything else I feel like I have to work against some "timeline"... I am a mess. Don't know how to get over it. Maybe I'll have some giant revelation and just give up - let Go and let God they say...How do you do that? HE can't help me get to the truth?
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    And one more ~ I guess I have recorded more than what I realized. You will surely feel my pain if you watch all of these. Good luck to you if you can follow all of this.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    And then a followup ~
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Well, try this link... for some reason the slide bar "may" be too far to the right - already well into the video, so simply slide it back all the way over to the left so you can of course start from the beginning. I have no idea how the URL got sort of corrupted like that, but if you click on the link and it goes to the video about 2/3rds played, please remember to slide the thing back over so you can start from the beginning. It is a longer video - about 20 min. long so unless you have that much time to spend, never mind watching it. It is basically a timeline of events that led up to her death and then all the fighting I have done since it happened. Of course there is even more NOW, and that is why I need to record another one..... For now, this is a pretty good account of what happened though.
  12. Cross

    He became an angel on my daughter Shanda's 36th birthday which she was never here to have. The Sunflower was also her birth flower. How sad...how unbelievably sad.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    I believe that grief and the loss of an adult child has many waves: 1). shock and overwhelming disbelief 2). planning the funeral & / or final services and being just a robot - simply being pushed to make the arrangements not having a clue what you are actually doing 3). realizing what you lost and crying all the time 4). another wave of unsurmountabe pain and grief when you finally capture and realize that he/she is gone forever 5). in my case, fighting to get to the truth of why it even occurred 6). day to day bare existence when you can't sleep, can't eat, cry at the drop of a hat, question everything having to do with the death (in my case there is a lot to question) ...want to just give up - give up completely - go and join them, wherever they may be? BUT knowing that would not be right. However, I feel like her death has eased my fear of dying from the cancer I just fought... I have to believe she would be somewhere there, waiting for me with her hand outstretched. IMHO...
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    My daughter's death is so fresh and so complicated I don't even know where to begin. Can you put links on this site? I have recorded a couple of YouTube videos that would be easier to post than to type it all here. As a matter of fact, I even need to record a new one that will provide even more info into where I am right now with what I am trying to accomplish. Please let me know about links. ?? I saw one video posted today, but it said it was Private (?) So then, why did that person post it? Sorry, newbie and trying to learn how it all works. Thank you. Mary
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am so glad I found this site. I see my pain and fight is not unique. I read down (way down) to Becky's story and how she fought for her son in his death. I too am in the fight of my own life for my daughter's name. Many have told me to give it all up, let it go, let her go, get over it, nothing will bring her back, accept the police's report, and so on, but WILL NOT!!.. There are far too many discrepancies in the entire event and circumstances to believe any of it and I feel I MUST have more information for closure and to get to a place where I can find some kind of peace - whatever that is going to look like??? Her death was by drowning and she was almost 36 yrs. old. The story is very complicated and an autopsy was involved, as well as the local police. I do have to work today so don't have a lot of time to get into details of her death, but I would very much like to if all of you would be so kind to listen and help me. It seems i can't find anyone "in real life" that cares - or wants to listen, much less try to "understand" what I am attempting to accomplish with my quest of answers. I am in so much pain it is absolutely unbearable. I can't sleep, I don't care if I eat... I can't hardly get thru each day at work. I try to begin work very early in the mornings so I can leave and come home, then I just sit and cry or try and research the answers I seek. For example - I just rec'd the autopsy report back in my Friday's mail and it is all WRONG.. Now today, I have to call the Medical Examiner's office and explain to them all the errors. Why the errors you say? Because the police dep't that investigated the death did not give the correct info to the ME's office. (not to mention the PD did not perform the investigation properly, either). Then I have my State's Ombudsmen's Office involved as well and I am communicating with her via email. She is going to take my case to THE Ombudsmen (herself) soon, possibly today to see if they can help me chastise the police dep't for not investigating properly, to give me the investigation reports, and call them out on not acquiring a Walmart Surveillance Video as they were commanded to do by the ME's office. If they tell me NO, they won't help me, then I will confront the PD myself. The preparation for that will be the performance of my life in my daughter's honor and name. I plan for it to be flawless and have a come back for everything he attempts to say. On top of all of this - I just completed chemotherapy for lung cancer on June 10th, and then lost my daughter on July 6. She left behind her 11 yr. old daughter who I am now legal guardian of.... So, on top of all the grieving, questioning, document preparation, communications, anger, crying, fighting, wondering, visiting the site of her death and so on - I have to keep it somewhat together for HER...... She is doing quite well and sometimes almost laughs (or at the very least smiles) at me when I am crying or mourning. She missed her mom and does feel the loss, but not like I do, no way, not near like I do..... Well, must start my day for work - I work from home for about 2 hrs. then go into the office for the remaining 6 1/2, so the sooner I get started the sooner I can come home. I will leave you with a sincere request that you all will help me - please.....I have tried my Facebook friends, I have set up a page to honor her life so I can post there freely about the investigation and so on but no one seems to support me. I think they all think I am nuts and should just shut up and let it go. BUT I WILL NOT, not until I hit a brick wall. I know it is going to be there somewhere, but I have not found it yet and my daughter is counting on me to find it. Love and blessings to all until I get to come back here. I hope by then some of you will have posted in my support. I loved my daughter so much and miss her so severely.... ShandasMom
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