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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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About Beefcheeks

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    Loss of father


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  1. Hi, I have a question that I've been struggling to find the answer to for years; maybe someone can help. Some years ago, my father --- who I counted as one of my best friends --- was involved in a car accident; he lingered for a week and after that, when he showed no signs of brain function, I had to remove him from life support. It was horrible, tragic, and the worst time of my life. During that week, a cousin of mine --- who I also counted as one of my best friends --- began to be horribly, shockingly emotionally abusive to me, even as I was griefstricken. She was ostensibly very "helpful:" she helped me organize the funeral (while my father was still alive), found a great doctor for my stepmom, who was in the car at t he time of the accident, and these good actions are what she hangs her hat on. In fact, there were things that she did that were shocking in their cruelty: she refused to let me have my father's obit --- the only copy from the newspaper, which came to her house the morning of the funeral --- until I begged her for it. She told me and my spouse to go back to our home and have a shiva (we're Jews) on our own, away from the rest of the family. And a year later, I found out that she bought up all the plots around my father's grave, so I can't be buried with my family when my time comes. Over the years, I've asked her to talk about it, and she dismisses me and sees nothing wrong in her actions. This has result in the memory of my father's last days being clouded in anger over my cousin's cruel actions. And over the years, she's painted me to be the ungrateful one. So here's my question: does anyone ever talk about people who emotionally abuse the griefstricken? Who kick us when we're at our worst? Why does this happen? My cousin's sister died when she (my cousin) was a child and my father once told me, years ago, that she "never grieved sufficiently" and actually asked for her sister's room right after her death. So, I'm stuck: I want to feel compassion for her limitations and emotional stunting, but I can't. All I can think of is how horrible she was to me when my father died, and how sad and angry he would have been at her treatment of me.