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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About sermatinger

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/08/1989

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Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    I love reading, writing, listening to music, and spending time with the people I adore. I also love Native American history and culture.
  • Loss Type
    Brother, Sister, and Father
  • Angel Date
    9/11/07, 8/2/09, 8/28/11
  1. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I understand the guilt you feel. I know my mom definitely understands where you're coming from. But you did exactly what you needed to do for your grand daughter and you should not feel guilty for that.
  2. I lost my brother to a murder overdose.

    I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I lost my sister to an overdose that someone else gave her as well. The only difference was that she was a "willing party" at least that's what the police said. Either way someone else put something foreign into my sister and it killed her. That was almost 5 years ago. But this isn't about me. This is about you. I don't have magic words or wisdom from my experience but I do know that the way you spend your time is vital now. Things can spin out of control when grief is involved and you're young. Make good choices for yourself and always keep your brother close to you in anyway you can. I started living for my sister after she died. I went back to school and started getting my life together. My brother had committed suicide two years before my sister died and I completely spun out of control. I thought I would never come back down. I'm here if you need someone to talk too. I know everything is up in the air now and the dust will eventually settle. Just take some time for yourself and evaluate what you want your brother's death to mean to you. You're gonna be angry for some time. Don't hate the people that did this to your brother. I know that's gonna be hard to do. I've done it myself. Just try to bring the positive things you loved about your brother into your everyday life and live through him. Do the things you wanted him to do for himself. Live everyday in his name.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand how it feels. It's been almost 7 years since my brother committed suicide. I know that everyone grieves differently but I know how it was and still is for me. I went a long time asking the universe "Why?" and being very confused. It hurt so bad to know that someone you care about took their own life without even letting you know how they felt. You almost feel like that you did something wrong and that was why they didn't try to talk to you. It took what felt like forever for me to even begin to accept my brother's decision to take his own life. It doesn't make it any easier and I don't want to be the person to give you the same old cliche lines about how you should feel or look at this. It's your grief and your experience. For what it worth it seems like you're doing all you can. Keep your head up and gather all your strength because you're going to need it. Peace be with you <3
  4. Papa Jan and doing the right thing.

    Thanks Mermaid Tears. Your Grandma sounds like a smart lady!
  5. Papa Jan and doing the right thing.

    If it was someone in my family or in anyone else's family he wouldn't be acting like this but the fact that it's my ex boyfriend's family he has to have a problem with it. But when my boyfriend's ex girlfriend of 3 years father killed himself I told him I how sorry I was and that I thought he should go to the funeral. He never did but that's not my fault. I gave him my blessings to do so. He just becomes really immature when it comes to my ex boyfriend which is completely stupid. I just think he's jealous because I'm so close with my ex's family and I'm not that close with his but I lived with my ex's family. I got to know them on a deeper level that comes from living with someone and you don't really get that kind of closeness by going a having dinner with someone occasionally. But my boyfriend is gonna sit with my nephew while I go to the funeral so I'm grateful for that. Thank you for commenting it really means a lot to hear someone else's opinion. <3
  6. janeemily, I completely understand where you are coming from. I lost my dad 2 years ago to Lung Cancer. It's hard to watch the strongest men we have ever known fade away slowly. I know the toll it can put on a family. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. You have to do what you think is right and try to spend as much time with him as you can no matter how bad it hurts you to see him like that. I was in the same situation and I did everything I could to keep my mom going and to be there for her and my father. I'm sorry your losing your faith. My mom was the exact same way and I was the one who tried to keep the faith. Don't be angry with God. He knows your dad's struggles and your families. He's holding y'all in his hands right now. It might not seem that way but he is. Talk to him, tell him mad but don't lose faith in him. Terminal illness is a hard struggle and it's tests you. But you've got to be strong no matter how bad it hurts. I'm sorry you've got to go through this. I'm sending my prayers and positive thoughts your way. Please don't give up.
  7. My ex boyfriend's grandfather died this past Monday. Even though I broke up with my ex boyfriend in 2009 I still remained very close with his family because I lived with them for almost 2 years. His grandfather was a very good man and I always called him Papa Jan because he was like a grandfather to me. I never got to know my grandparents growing up and Jan was the closest thing I ever had to one. My current boyfriend never liked the fact that I was still so close with my ex's family but it's not like I ever went over there to see my ex and most of the time he wasn't even there I only went to see the family because they also became my family. You live with someone for over a year you kind of create a bond that isn't easy to break and family don't always end in blood. I'm going to the funeral Friday and Saturday they're going to have a private family graveside thing to which I'm also invited. I'm sad Jan is gone but I'm glad he is no longer suffering. He came to my sister's funeral and my dad's life celebration. That's what family does. My boyfriend is not so thrilled about all of this and he's been kind of acting like douche. Whenever I say something about the funeral or Papa Jan all he says is "word" or "right" which is basically his way of saying "I don't want you to do this and it's pissing me off". It's really hurting my feelings which I tried to tell him but he doesn't seem to understand. He's acting like I'm ruining his week. He says things like "I'm not to happy that you'll be spending the weekend with those people" I mean WTH? I'm not gonna be spending the weekend with them I'm going to a funeral for God's sake. Then he had the nerve to say "Don't expect me to be your taxi driver." Why in the world would I ask him to drive me anywhere when he's being such a baby about the whole ordeal??? I'm the type of person who will let you act stupid, act stupid I don't care because it's not gonna change my decision what so ever. I mean it is partially his fault I never saw Jan before he died because whenever I would go and spend time with my ex boyfriend's family my current boyfriend would get all butt hurt and we'd end up in an argument. I know he's never experienced loss of any kind really and he's basically an only child who got whatever he wanted but now is not the time to be spoiled and rude. I know a day will come when he will experience the pain of loss and when that day comes he'll eventually understand where I'm coming from. Death is a part of life and it's huge part of mine. It's a part of who I am and honoring those that have passed is also an extremely important part of my life. I told my mom about all of this and she basically said what I said that my boyfriend doesn't understand and I can't make him. But he definitely can't make me back out of this funeral because it's gonna involve my ex. Papa Jan treated my like his own blood, he gave me a home, and when my ex would be in one of his drunken fits he'd always tell him to leave. He even looked at me once and said "He would go before I EVER made you leave." That stuck with me. I mean this man chose someone who's not even blood over his own grandson. Most people don't do stuff like that. I told my mom that I thought my Daddy would be proud of me for going to this funeral and not letting my boyfriend's rude comments get to me. And she said "He would want you to be true to yourself and do what is right for you." So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go to this funeral and I'm gonna pay my respects to an awesome man. Rest in peace Papa Jan. I'll never forget you <3
  8. Grieving my brother

    First off I want to say how deeply sorry I am for all of your losses. I'm pretty new to this site as well but I am not used to this sort of grief. My brother shot himself in the head 6 years ago. He was 33 years old. He had a baby on the way and he was a drug addict/alcoholic. He was very depressed. Sitting here six years later I can tell you there is no sure way to get through all of this. It all still hurts the same as it did it's just now it's a part of who I am. Everyday I am reminded of what has happened but I know longer feel as guilty. It comes with time. Though it still hurts I can forgive him for what he has done. I know he was in a place that I have no comprehension of and I'll never know until we meet again which I know we will. Now I look at his beautiful son and I see my brother and I know I still have a part of him. I look at myself and I see my brother and I know that he is still a part of me. These are things that matter. These are the things that will help while you in your journey to finding a place of peace.
  9. I'm sorry ElemmireAnini, I hope you can find peace soon. It doesn't happen overnight. I've had a long time to dwell and think about how all of this had affected me and my family. I still get angry at times and it's never easy but I know in order to better myself and my future I have to learn to let go of that anger. Forgiveness is hard and situations like this you have to work extremely hard to keep forgiveness in your heart instead of anger.
  10. 2 years ago today..

    Thank you fairydust6888. I'm sorry for the loss of your father as well <3
  11. “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

  12. Am I terrible?

    I don't think you're terrible at all. When my brother shot himself my whole family chose to just have him cremated without viewing his body. I used to feel bad about that for a while as well. Like I didn't get to properly say good bye. But it was for the best because I didn't want to see him like that. Then a couple of years later at my sister's funeral we had an open casket and she died of a drug overdose. She just looked pale and not like herself. It made me realize that "no that's not her that's just her shell. She's somewhere else" Being on both sides of the fence I can tell you either way that it doesn't make grief any better or worse. You're doing just fine. There is nothing terrible about seeing their body or not because its not really them. I hope you find some peace <3
  13. My brother John was an awesome big brother. I was the youngest of 5 children and you wouldn't think we'd be as close as we were because he was the oldest but we were. We had a beautiful relationship. We played basketball together, watched sports, he tried to teach me how to play the guitar, and we talked a lot. I think it was easy for him and I to be close because I was young and I didn't judge him for his wrongdoings. You see he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Things became strained for us however when I got older and I began to see things for how they were. I tried to be there for him but it proved difficult because I was no longer a child and I began to let him now how his actions made me feel. He always said he was gonna kill himself. But like in the boy who cried wolf, you eventually stop listening, and we all know how that story ended. When I found out my brother had killed himself it tore open something inside of me that I had never felt before. I felt so guilty for having turned my back on my brother. Even though it was really him who turned his back on me. I became very depressed and I went wild. I really got heavy into drugs and alcohol. I stayed away from my family alot because I could bare the pain. This went on for a little over a year and I got the biggest wake up call of my life. This was around the time I got into pain pills and my pill of choice was methadone which was also my brother's choice. I had been doing it for days straight and one day I woke so sick that I wanted to die. It was in that moment when things became so clear to me. I went and I got one last pill so I could just stop throwing up and I never went back. I woke up the next day and I still felt like crap but I also felt like I understood my brother. He was a drug addict and he felt like that all the time. Being so sick you want to die and not feeling better til he got that high. That's a horrible way to live and I feel like he only killed himself as a way to beat his addiction, the only way he thought it would work since he had tried many times to become sober. I feel lucky enough to even begin to understand how he might have felt and I am lucky. I could've kept going back for more pills and sending myself further down. But I didn't and I truly believe that was because my brother was looking out for me. I've forgiven him for what he thought he needed to do. It took me a while but I got there. I hope that my story can give other people hope. May all of you find peace. Suicide is never the answer we want from our loved ones but we do eventually have to accept it in order to heal. <3
  14. Every little thing

    Crap, I only meant to post that once. My iPod was going all wonky. Sorry.