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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

ook

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  1. The usual "thanks for the kind words" type of reply.
  2. I contacted his wife, but that didn't make me feel any better.
  3. My friend "Bob" died of a brain stem stroke a few months ago, the same week my brother died (though I didn't know yet that my brother had died at the time). I'll call him Bob just in case his daughter were to read this. My friend Bob was only in his 50s. As a child and even adult, I called he and his wife "mom and dad" -- even though they're not related to me in any way. We were just so close growing up and their daughter and I thought it was cute to call each other's parents "mom and dad." He was healthy, in his 50s, but had a sudden brain stem stroke, lost conciousness, and died. I've been friends with him, his wife, and his adult daugther my whole life, apart from a few recent years when we kind of lost touch. The daughter of the man (Bob) who died I was childhood friends with. I called her parents "mom and dad" even though they weren't related to me-- I saw this male friend (Bob) as a 2nd father figure. "Mom and Dad" (not related to me, but that's what I called Bob and his wife) would take me to lunch in college. I was friends with their daughter too, but it was very comforting to have a local "mom and dad" type figure when my actual family lived so far away. Long story short, Bob's daugher (also my friend) got married and didn't include me in the wedding. The daughter and I had been lifelong best friends, though we weren't as close in college as we lived far apart. Even so, I was hurt and didn't feel like I could keep her as a friend in my life. We didn't have a falling out, just lost touch since I stopped trying to continue the friendship several years ago. She messaged a few times, but I kept the responses friendly but kind of short just because she had meant so much to me as a friend, but I didn't feel like I meant much to her as a friend. She didn't include me on big life milestones like her wedding, private bridal shower/bachelorette, etc. We were so close as kids-- played together half the week, I went to her grandma's house for vacation with her, we saw each other all of the time. Last year, "mom and dad" (my late friend Bob and his wife) e-mailed me to see how I was doing, asked where I was living, said they hadn't seen in me a few years, missed me, come see them, etc. I never went to see them last year, and they live in my city! I felt so bad after Bob died so suddenly this year. I never got a chance to thank them for caring enough to come visit me, take me to lunch, etc. in college. I thanked them back then, but really, it meant so much to me and I never got to tell Bob this. I e-mailed Bob's daugther saying what Bob meant to me and how sorry I was to hear of her loss. I just can't believe "Bob" is gone. And so young and so sudden too.
  4. How do I answer basic questions

    I'm so sorry. Is that her in your profile pic? She's adorable. I like the idea of saying "I have 3 kids" or however many, even if you choose to elaborate on what happened or not.
  5. I think just listening to him, asking how he's doing, letting him tell you about his kids and memories, cooking for him if local, etc. all help. While I don't think there's anything someone can say to really help someone heal, just showing you care helps. And you do care.
  6. My brother was a lot older than me and lived 1000+ miles away for his job. He was in his 40s, I'm in college. A handful of years ago he had a heart attack. He called to tell me, and said the doctors said he had congestive heart failure but the doctors caught it early. He said he'd be fine and not to tell our parents yet until the doctors did more tests. He didn't want them to worry needlessly. He was out of the hospital in a few days and went back to work. We lost touch-- his job took him to remote places where it's hard to keep in touch. I've known other people with congestive heart failure that lived decades-- I just wasn't expecting him to die so young and so soon. I hadn't seen him in years. Hadn't talked to him in recent years because it's so hard to get in touch where he lived. He lived with us/me growing up even though he was older. I wish I had more memories of him, especially in recent years. We used to write letters back and forth regularly when I was a kid/teen. Earlier this year I had a bad feeling like I would never see my brothers again. I was worried, but figured it was just the reality of the situation-- they live so far away, and neither of us could afford to travel to visit. I don't know why I didn't try to get in touch. Somehow we lost each other's contact info. My brothers never were good about keeping in touch with my family. Where they lived and their financial situation precluded some of it, plus it was so far away where they lived, and they didn't have internet/etc. in their village. Sometimes contact was every year, sometimes less. He live with us/me growing up but his job was in a remote village and pre-internet it was harder to stay in touch. There weren't mobile phones back then, and he traveled/moved a lot for work. A lot of the time they asked for money when they called. In fact, the most recent time I talked to my late brother, he asked for $50...and I said sorry I can't. I guess I felt used since he was asking for money after not calling us in so long. Now I wish I would have given him money anyway. Plus, being in college, I was pretty broke. Still, I feel bad. A few months ago, I found on through Facebook that my brother died. There was no funeral really. A few of his friend's got together so far away apparently. We didn't have a service for our family or anything. We've hardly talked about it. Nothing. His niece posted a photo of him saying she missed him. I googled his name and found his obituary. I sent a Facebook message to someone who signed the obituary and she told me that she had seen my brother last Fall and talked a little to him, and she said that he had needed a heart transplant. He needed a heart transplant. He didn't tell us his heart failure got worse, or that he needed a heart transplant. I'm just shocked. I told our parents, who incidentally had a "feeling" to Google his name and found out not too long after I found out. I'm just sick. I didn't get to tell him goodbye or anything. I had a feeling like I should try to contact them earlier this year and I didn't do anything about it. My other brother at least got to visit my late brother in the hospital. The living brother lived only 10 hours away. The living brother is an alcoholic and not mentally healthy. I'm not sure why he didn't call to tell us, but maybe he couldn't find our number. At some point, I think last year, the living brother tried to call my parents by contacting an older relative who had had the same phone number for decades. We never got in touch. I wonder if the living brother called to tell us that my late brother was near his end. Why didn't he call again or leave his phone number with the relative he had called... or tell the other relative he called what was going on? How could I not have known he needed a heart transplant?!?!? Why wouldn't either of them have found some way to contact us? Was the late brother alone during most of this time? What on earth did he think of us... did he think we knew and were ignoring him? That we didn't care? I only told 2 friends about it. One assumed it was suicide and made nasty assumptions about his child's death (from heart birth defects) because he was young and was a huge jerk about it. The other friend just replied with a text " ". That's it. Haven't talked about it since, and she didn't ask what happened or ask how I'm doing or whatever. Nothing. I don't have many friends, and the acquiantances I have hardly know me and don't even know I had brothers to begin with. And, it's not like any are supportive or would know what to say anyway. There's no one to talk about it with. I'm so alone. I burst into tears every day for 2 months after I found out. If I cared so much, why didn't I ***** call him when he was alive? Sure I didn't have his number, but why didn't I find some way to get in touch with him? WTH was wrong with me? I also found my my late brother's little child died. Heart birth defects, apparently. Lived long enough to name her after me and he was so excited to have a baby girl. I had no idea my young little niece A had died. My brother named her after me. I guess he couldn't bring himself to tell us that she died. He and his wife were divorced, and lived so far away it's not like we ever got to see them/her. We had no way of knowing. I found out about my little niece A in my brother's obituary. Then I started googling my brother. I found out that he fathered another child. She's now almost my age-- in her 20s. I saw her photo on Facebook and she looks JUST like my late brother. We don't think my brother ever knew about her--- the mother of this child admitedly slept around, so when she was pregnant, it could have been anybody's. This woman broke up with him and it was nasty. I would be afraid to contact this "new niece" with how her mother was-- she was kind of drunk and crazy back then. Still, it's so weird that this child looks JUST like my late brother. I'm kind of glad that his genes live in somehow through her, even though I will never know this girl. Earlier this year my ex- sister in law died (my other brother's wife, seperated) and left my teen niece B basically parentless. We hadn't been in touch with her in years-- we tried to but she didn't want to talk to her ex/my brother. Who wants to talk to their ex, right? I found out my ex-sister-in-law died on facebook too. She was only 42. I found my long-lost niece on Facebook, but really know nothing about her. I'm not sure she even has any idea who I am, and I'm afraid to say who I am-- just in case she would want to block all contact if she did. I'm not sure what to say to her. Do I introduce myself? I commented on a photo of them complimenting her and saying I was so sorry to hear about her mom. She's 18. I don't know what to say to her. Last year I saw my ex sister-in-law on Facebook and had been meaning to get in touch with her to see how they were. Then she died. I'm not sure if my niece would want contact or not. It sucks to find all of that out and once, and it sucks that I can't have relationships with my nieces other. Divorces suck and can ruin the male parent's family ability to have a relationship with their nieces. Sucks that I hadn't been in touch with my late brother in recent years. Hadn't seen him in years. Sucks that there's no relationship in recent years to grieve. And it sucks that my living brother is a depressed alcoholic who isn't all that stable and is unlikely to be able to have a relationship with me.
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