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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Kiki's mom

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About Kiki's mom

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  • Loss Type
    Cat and Mother
  • Angel Date
    June 6th 2013 / November 23rd 2013
  1. Happy heavens Day KikI ! One year ago today you left this earth for a new journey ... Though I still miss you so much I am again able to laugh and smile at your memories . I was so blessed to have you in my life . xoxo
  2. It does get better ! One year ago today I lost my beautiful KiKi , I was a complete wreck . With some passing of time and lots of tears, today I am able to smile again with the memories of her that flood my thoughts. I will always remember her life and then her painful passing but it does and has become a whole lot easier . xoxo KiKi's mom
  3. Hello Abbeyssadmommyshay and Talega 949 , It's been a while since i have posted in here but I just had to come in and tell you both how very sorry I am for your losses . It's incredibly painful when we feel when we lose our furbabies and my heart goes out to you . It's been just about 8 months now since I lost my KiKi and I still miss her , I was in crazy pain over her passing and I never thought I would ever stop crying, Coming in here and being able to just let it out to people who could relate helped a lot . The first couple months were seriously hell and I never thought I would be able to smile again. After some time passed the intial intense pain wore off and I began to heal , smile and live in the moment again. No one can tell you how much pain you should or should not feel when losing a beloved pet , you will heal in your own time and it may be sooner or it may be later but you WILL get through it . Although I do miss the heck out of her ,I can now look at my Kiki's urn and photos and not break out in tears .. instead I can look at them and smile at how adorable , sweet and awesome she was.
  4. I am adding another inductee This time it is my mom , she just recently passed November 23rd and I know she and so many other members of our family are watching over me...I bet you and Kiki are cuddling right now. missing you on earth loving you for eternity ....
  5. Thank you for your kind words Mod Konnie , I am very sorry for your losses as well Your story is inspiring to me , I have been trying to keep it together and hold the light but it can be so hard sometimes as you already know. The depression , anxiety , hopelessness and fear can be so debilitating . I feel myself heading towards that darkness often and each time it seems harder to pull out of. I too have lost many family members , friends , pets, my marriage, and had several health scares . I do not have much of an outside a support team so I am glad I found this site and people like yourself who have been through and come out the other side. xoxo KiKi's mom , Sandra's daughter
  6. I lost my Dad

    Hello Faust , Im sorry about your dad , I just lost my mom last night and its hard... Sounds like you really adored and respected your dad for his love and his strength and maybe thats why it's hard for you to get the thought of him being in physical pain out of your head... You were so use to seeing him one way that when you saw a weak moment that is was stuck in your head... just know we all have our weak moments... and its ok... know he is at peace now and he does not feel that pain that you witnessed so its ok for you to let that thought go as well ... He would not want you to harbor such a thought... try to replace that thought next time with a positive one... I have several losses in my passed and some that were less than easy, watching it happen did effect me hard however it does get easier in time knowing they do not feel that pain , they do not have those thoughts and Its ok for you to let go of those thoughts too... It does take some time so be kind to yourself and don't do the what if s , We could do that all day long... I'm sure your dad knew how much you loved him and was proud of what a hard worker you were /are . I don't think we ever get beyond the sadness .. we just learn to live with the sadness as part of our lives... I do know from experience that we react differently to our memories as time goes by. Your loss is very new and raw so of course its gonna be on your mind , let yourself feel what you need to , its all part of the healing process. One day you will be able to think of your dad and be sad but less effected . Take care sincerely , Kiki's mom and Sandra's daughter
  7. This year has been one of the horrible years in my life in fact I can't remember a worse one , 2013 started off with a 20 year marriage separation and then things started to go down hill from there , Just trying to live life when all of a sudden my sweet kitty of 13 years ,who was my rock whenever I was depressed had started to get sick... I took her to the vet , did everything I could for her only to have her die in my arms , I was devastated ... her death hit me hard . ( I wrote her story in another post ) Then everything started to hit me and I ended up having so much anxiety and stress about life and my current situation I wound up in the emergency room with a nervous breakdown.... I was emotionally and physically exhausted to say the very least , My doctor thought it might be a good idea to jack up my existing prescription 3 times the amount I was previously taking and that caused me to have a severe reaction , I became very ill with something that could have taken my life , they ended up taking me completely off that drug so I wouldn't die... OK talk about anxiety! I thought they were suppose to help my stress not induce more... uhhhggg ... So anyways then I had to go through withdrawals... nice right... FAST FORWARD 2 months later , After a lot of recovery I am starting to get my physical body back... I had lost a lot of weight in muscle while ill.. so I had started to regain strength back slowly ... I started to eat again... I started to feel more emotionally stable... I still felt anxiety and depression but more controlled now ... life started to show light again... Then one day I received notice that mom was in the hospital...I called the hospital and before telling me any information they handed the phone to my mom which I thought was weird but now in hindsight i am so grateful they did ....When my mom picked up the phone I said mom ...she replied "what? I said whats wrong? she said aneurysms and stroke... I kinda didn't know if this was true because mom had a history of dementia...OK so Then I just comforted her a bit and said mom I love You and She replied I love you too... she then put the phone down. Still not knowing the severity of her condition I was trying to find out what was going on ...they told me the doctors were going to do some test in the morning and they would let me know everything. So now the anxious waiting begins ... I didn't sleep very well that night and woke up the next morning to speak with the doctor whom informed me of Moms several severe conditions...She had previously had her colon out a month prior due to internal bleeding , she had massive internal bleeding again and would eventually bleed again even if they were to stop it, she also had aneurysms one of which was 7 cm on her lower aorta . also bleeding from the esophagus and had a mild heart attack. I think i may still have been in denial but it did't hit me what he was really trying to say . We had set up a family conference for the following day , The next day came along and with my sister and her daughter being physically present at the hospital then my Aunt and I on the phones the doctors proceeded to tell us there was nothing more they could do for my her , she was not a candidate for surgery and offered the hospice comfort care ... thats when it hit me .. I was losing my mom, They said if after we took her off the life supports she made it through the next couple days at hospital they would send her back home to the nursing home she had lived in previously. My mom was a fighter as she had been her whole life and she hung on long enough to make it back home, She had been in assisted living and nursing home for many years prior and she has had several visits to hospitals with some being very serious , in and out , surgeries , falls , this and that done and some how always made it through , but this time was different she wasn't gonna be able to beat her disease and when I heard this news i was crushed ... cried like I was a little girl... The hardest part was she lived in a facility that was so far away from me and with my anxiety disorder it made prior visits very hard and few . I felt so sad she was so far. I was however extremely grateful that my sister and niece whom she loved very much were close by and holding vigil by her side . I know my sister was in a lot of emotional pain but she was holding it together for the sake of everybody involved and I am so thankful for that. With mom being on her end of life care it was eating me up that I was so far away , the anxiety and depression was overwhelming and I just couldn't take it anymore so I decided to react , I went gassed up and just started driving not knowing if my car would make it ... I just needed to say I love you in person.. or at least I had to try ... It took hours to get there and I felt like I was driving in a mental fog but /i made it safely . I was then and will be forever grateful I made that choice , I arrived and My mom was so frail it was hard to see her like that but it didn't matter because shes mom, I held her hand and we all prayed for her... she then opened her eyes and stared at me ... I gave her so much love n affection and even though she could no longer speak verbally I could tell in her eyes she knew I was there and was saying it back , I sung to her a little and when it was time to go I told her i would see her soon. She looked peaceful when I left but it was so hard to go knowing I would never get to see her in this lifetime again. So a day and a half went by with mom basically no change ...Last night I just had a feeling , I cant describe it but I just knew it was going to happen... I went to bed at around 1:00 am and put the phone on the pillow next to me ,.. at 1:30 am my sister called to tell me MOM is in heaven now... there was immense sadness but also a kind of peace that washed over me... My sister proceeded to tell me the details ... she went smooth and peaceful ... she was calm... ect. It has been a tough year for me , but one blessing from this is I am forever grateful that she took her last journey comfortably and in peace wrapped in Gods loving arms with love surrounding her from all sides. Thanks for giving me the space to air my thoughts and for taking time to read them ... <3 KiKi's mom and Sandra's daughter
  8. Lost Pets, Belongings, and House to a House Fire

    Hi Mandalinn , Wow 2013 What a crummy year huh... I can totally relate , This has been one of the worst years of my life as well. I just want you to know first of all I am so very sorry for your many losses , 2nd to let you know you are not alone and 3rd you have a place to come when you are feeling down . Some people may not understand the massive hole we can feel in our hearts when something so tragic happens in our lives . We are not all the same people and therefore will not all grieve or handle things the same ect. The thing is try not to get down on yourself or limit your grieving because they don't understand it ... find some people who do understand and counter balance it . I personally will be so happy when 2013 is over and done with forever ! And I have to tell you that even though it was looking so bleak in the beginning and middle I am finally starting to see a glimmer of light at the end thanks to the support of people who do get me. Mandalinn, You did great just by seeking out some help and support ... in may not feel like it now but you actually started your healing process. I get through by just taking one day at a time ... and feeling the feelings how ever they come... and reaching out to good people for support when i need it ; ) Our pets are our family ,my heart goes out to you for your loss here on earth but i do believe your precious furbabies are happy n watching over you just as my KiKi is me . Take care of yourself , KiKi's mom
  9. I am starting this post not only for myself but for anyone who would like to wish their loved one a Happy Heaven Day ! I have posted in other threads about the pain and loss and it helps but I also wanted to have a special place to start a more positive process of healing. My Dearest KiKI , Today June 6th is the 4 month anniversary of your unexpected departure to your new destination , Happy Heaven Day my lil fur baby girl , I miss you and think about you all the time. Every tear I push through I know that one day I will make that same journey where your soft little purr and my big smile will meet again.
  10. Dearest Sere 72 , Thank you for your kind words for my baby girl she was and will forever be my heart . It was one of the hardest if not the hardest things I have ever been through in my life and I have been through a lot of crap. What really sucks is its not gonna be the last time either because I have more furbabies that I will eventually lose I am so sorry to hear that you had to send your cherished furbaby over the rainbow bridge , however I know your sweet little thing knew your love all the way to the end , unfortunately our pets dont live as long as we do and at some point we are gonna have to watch them go... And it really sucks because we bond with them so whole heartedly and they with us sharing unconditional love for years and then all of a sudden they are gone . Even if we have warning our babies are sick we go into this place of denial like they are never going to leave us and when they do we go into a state of shock. This is a very bad event for anyone who is attached to their pet but can be especially hard on those who have a disability or whom already suffer from a disorder such as anxiety or depression , This can trigger deep emotions that are not only related to the event of the death of the pet but also of other memories of loss throughout life that surface . I blamed myself when my babygirl passed and was in so much emotional pain that it was so overwhelming because not only did I lose my little best friend but then it triggered other feelings of emptyness and painful memories that caused anxiety , panic and depression to the point where I couldn't function. I ended up in the hospital after having a nervous breakdown . The answer my friend is not to seek solice in a bottle or pill but to live through and work through what is really going on. You need to know its not your fault your lil sweety got sick , you cannot predict nature and we all end up dying of something at some point. You helped your sweety get through the senior years more comfortable and that is an awesome thing . I know it doesn't make a damn bit of difference when someone tells you " your cat lived a long life " because all we can think about when they pass is I wish I could have one more day... God determines that ... nature determines that ... you knew it was time and your baby knew it was time , When animals hide under tables and such its because they know its time , your baby was not mad or sad , and although she knew she was passing she did not know what was about to happen as far as the other ... hon you did the right thing. Had I known my kitty was so ill I would have put her to rest as well. My KiKi had a lot of the same symptoms your lil girl did but she didn't show she was so sick until about a week before she passed , I did everything under the sun to try and save her , Took her to the vet , fed her the so called "special foods" , gave her the meds... nothing worked so when she passed in my arms I felt like it was my fault , maybe I should have done this or that or what if I ? .... Your mind can take you to all kinds of dark places when someone you love passes. Its been a few months now as of Oct 6th it will be four months and I have to tell you although it gets easier my KiKi is in my heart and on my mind constantly . I plan to never forget her and although it may sound crazy I can actually feel her presence , I believe she is always watching over us. I also believe Your baby girl kitty is up there with my KiKi causing a scene Addressing some other issues , my other cat her partner in crime did get really depressed so i spent some extra time with her and we have bonded now she is doing very well. So yeah if you notice some of your other pets mopey than they probably feel the loss and could use a bit more attention. YOU CAN DO TIHIS !!! I am doing this and heck yeah its hard not gonna lie but I am getting through it. When i first posted on here I felt the same as you and I just could not see any light at the end of the tunnel... seriously I cried alll the time... I still cry just not as much. But I am taking each day as it comes and letting myself feel what I need to feel . Dont let anyone else tell you how to or when to grieve . To this day if I feel the need to let go a good cry because i miss her ..I do! The one thing you shouldnt do though is to try and mask the pain with drugs and or alcohol.. not only are the physical effects bad but your just masking the emotional which will eventually come out later. A lot of people deal with lifes crappy twists and turns alone , I'm one of them as well , however You are not alone in spirit you are doing the right thing by searching out for help and telling your baby girls story , I am here , you are here .... anytime you wanna talk about your girl or how your feeling just come on in and let go! You can also add photos if you like i would love to see the little sweetheart who is playing with my babygirl ; ) Hugs to you and hope your healing begins soon sincerely KiKi's mom
  11. I have been feeling like I'm dying , Since my precious KiKi's passing I have been such an emotional wreck that I am sensitive to anything and everything that goes wrong in my life. I became very obsessed with my health as well as the health of my other pets and family . I'm obsessed to the point that i went and had blood work and my usual yearly mammogram done , and even though my blood tests came out ok I did scrutinize every little part of the results for hours .... Just when I started to see a light at the end of my dark tunnel bam the darkness hit again , I got a second callback on my mammogram , to someone who is already stressed and panicked this is never a good thing to hear , and although I have read and heard that callbacks are pretty common this was of absolutely no relief to my panic. People with panic ALWAYS fear the worse ! When the nurse contacted me they said they couldn't get me in until the next Monday because of the holiday and today was only Wednesday ,,, OMG!!!! The panic started right away ,,,, All my emotions started to flood , Usually when I would have this happen my Kiki would sense my weakness and she would come to be at my side to comfort me to show me her beautiful non judge mental love and acceptance. I missed her so much it seemed to just make my stress and anxiety, Now it just feels ten times worse knowing she would never be there again. Seems like I have been on a stress roller coaster forever now and yesterday I just couldn't take it anymore ! I couldn't sleep , eat or keep any food in me also the panic and feelings of having a heart attack were completely overwhelming . I am exhausted and new it was the only way I could make sure that the stress wasn't actually causing a real heart attack . For those who have panic and anxiety you know this is probably the worst feeling you have ever felt and for those that have never felt it ... you are so lucky , Anxiety and panic disorder is one of the hardest things to live with especially if people around you don't understand what it is. I ended up in the emergency room where they performed a full cardiac work up on me , I felt more relaxed just knowing I was not alone and in a place that could help me , Filling out the paperwork I had noticed when I put the date that it was July 6th and exactly one month from the day my Kiki had passed , I never said a word about this out loud but I took a second to thank my Kiki for being my little guardian angle and putting me at ease for that moment. All of my heart and lung tests came out fine which i am so relieved but I do still have to get my second mammogram tomorrow and I will pray that it will turn out ok as well . When I go to that appointment I will be taking a photo of my new little guardian angle with me .. she was so very strong for me until her time came and I owe it to her to be strong. Kiki's mom <3 Thank you to grieving com for providing a safe comforting place for us to heal
  12. Kiki's legacy <3 Update on changing my pet food . Prior to my Kiki passing she use to throw up a lot ,actually my other cat started to as well , I got concerned and did some research and what I read a was that it could be anywhere from the usual suspects of fur balls or it was probably from eating too rapidly and having a competing cat nearby , it was always after eating and the food was undigested so this seemed to fit. Sometimes my cats would not even bat an eye and go right after to fill back up... eeeeuuuwww. Well this was not only gross but a bit expensive having to throw away so much product , I was cleaning vomit off the carpet as well as some other places like the counter right next to their bowl ,however not only was this a waste of food but I just didn't see how this could be normal or more importantly healthy for a cats system to do this. Information out there would have you believe that it's ok for cats to vomit , Well I'm not a professional but in my recent experiences its not . Sure I can see an occasional vomit after gorging a lot of food because they ate too fast or a hair ball hear or there ok ,but if it seems problematic its probably either the food or a health issue. OK so now Kiki passed and about a week later her companion Jewel got sick , I went upstairs and there was vomit and wet floor everywhere , I could not find my kitty and I started to panic hard ! I went to every room and no kitty , I noticed in one of the cat boxes also diarrhea , I did end up finding my cat under the bed and went into nurse mode immediately , she didn't seem right so I gave her some unflavored pedialyte and tuna which she ate a little , I noticed the vomit on the floor was again undigested cat food and decided at that moment to never feed her those foods again! I stayed with her all night to make sure she didn't get worse , She held the food in ,seemed to be getting better and by the next day she was walking around and eating drinking on her own. That's when I went online discovering how pet foods are made ,what goes into them and I was completely horrified , Now I always new that there were cheaper brands and the more expensive ones and that they were not made from the best ingredients but WTH ! Is this rendered food ? I read on and what mortified !!!!!! I won't post all the details here but if you research rendered pet food products you will see what I mean . At that point I was so sad that I had not known this before and I went out that day and bought all the natural no by product pet foods , My dogs are actually eating the food without giving me the stink eye lol, and once they got passed the gass me out stage the change was really good for them . My kitty has NOT vomited this food up once since she has been on it and it's been about a week and a half now YEAY !!!! Now It was a bit more expensive however if they are keeping it in their belly's and not throwing it up it kinda balances that out . I'm not saying people should feel bad if you are feeding your pets the less expensive foods , Its better than not feeding them and a lot of times they wont have any problems with it , What I am saying is to be informed of what you are putting in their belly's so that if you need to and have the means to do so . you can make change their diet and maybe see if that will help change an existing condition or prevent one. Now we know that Kiki has passed away she was 13 living a great long life with FIV but fell very ill in the end , And so I am, going through one of the stages of grieve it's the "What if" stage What if I had done this that or the other? ... Question: Could I have save her life ? Answer ...NO , I could not have saved her life , she was 13 and that was long life for a little lady with FIV , she was going to pass away eventually but it just so happened to be this turn of events that ended her time on earth. My thought process is maybe had I given her a non by product food lifestyle it may have given her a little while longer with a more comfortable existence by feeding her foods that she didn't throw up. Guilty by ignorance is a hard pill to take and though I will forever be grieving her loss I will get through this and although it's only been just over a week + I am hoping that having this information now will help with all my other pet babies . My heart to all , KiKi's mom
  13. It would only seem pathetic to mourn the great loss of your very loving kitty to someone who has never felt the great unconditional love of a pet and thats a shame. You should never feel a negative feeling about how much love you had for your baby and how much or how little or in what way you choose to show your emotions. He was NOT just a cat or you would not be here posting about how fabulous he was ; ) We all understand , anyone who has felt the closeness and tragic loss of your furbaby totally understands your pain, anger and confusion. I too recently as of June 6th 2013 lost my heart KIKi she was with me 13 very loving years and her death seemed like the worst day of my life. You are NOT alone in your pain and when you feel bad you should give yourself a big hug and come surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. For me reading stories , although they were sad and I cried through most of them actually helped me because i realized i was not going crazy with grief and i am not alone in this seemingly everlasting pain. My kitty died in my arms at home and it wasn't as calm I completely understand the whole visual thing , However You did the right thing your baby died peacefully and you did an awesome thing by helping him to the other side. You did a beautiful thing and the last face he saw was the face of the person he loves so much. Our hearts hurt so much because we love so hard ... xo
  14. I notice there are not a lot of responses , but they are a lot of views so I know the heartache and interest to heal along with us is out there so I am gonna keep posting my breakthroughs for you in hopes that it helps even a tiny bit. Ok so its been almost 3 weeks this Thursday since my pretty kitty passed away and as I have been going through all the grieving stages I had been just so sad anxious and tired but at the same time my anger fueled the detective in me that just had to know what the heck happened ? Why would my seemingly healthy kitty suddenly start taking a turn for the worst so in between my bouts of depression moments and tears I went on a mission the past couple weeks reading and researching anything and everything I could in regards to not only my kitty's situation but others that are / were similar. I noticed we all had common grieving symptoms and one of the main ones was guilt, Guilt of not knowing if we gave our pets, enough love?, enough preventive medical care ?, Did we take them to the right vet ? Did we do the right thing by keeping them home to die with us naturally ? or Did we do the right thing by euthanizing our fur children? Was it too soon ect. We as pet parents beat the hell out ourselves mentally because we just can't stand the thought of our babies human or fur being gone forever. We develop such attachments to these pet children because they make us smile , feel good , take care of us when we feel bad and they love us unconditionally , Pet children can really steal our hearts sometimes even stronger than a human . I make no apology for saying that I love my pets more than a lot of the people I have come across in life . So with this it makes sense to grieve so hard , I recently received my KIKI's beautiful engraved urn of ashes ... although a couple more tears have been shed , somehow just having her back home close to my heart puts me a little more at ease and it helps me to be able to move through some of my more anxious moments. After doing my research I was put completely at ease that I was not to blame for my sweet KIKI's death and that actually according to statistics which I hadn't known , The lifespan for a cat who contracts FIV from diagnosis is just about 5 years... my KIKI lived 13 blessed years that were full of nothing but love. There were also stories of cats who had lived 18 years with FIV although I do not know at what point in their lives they had contracted the disease. There are several infections cats can contract at the ending stages of FIV as this disease compromises the immune system and when your pet gets sick its much harder to treat , especially since a cat is very good at hiding its illness until it is at a very vulnerable state. Things that can break down a pets immune system and make them sick are not only viruses from the outside world but bacteria in the foods they consume , also if they are low in the vitamins they need they may look healthy on the outside but the inside is not doing so well. I didn't know so much about this before my KiKi passed but I am well informed now , I need to be because I have several more pet children who are depending on me and I would like to pass on any information to whomever wants to know more about healthy foods ( non rendered foods ) and the junk food ( rendered waste products) they are selling in our stores . I am doing this for my heart KiKi and for my love of all animals out there , Please be aware of what you put in your babies bellies . I still have my bad days of missing my girl so dearly but I must say the light is starting to shine at the end of the tunnel , I can feel her spirit and love around me everyday and it helps me get through. Much love to all who feel despair today , I was there , we were all there , one day you will be here ... day by day ... day by day . xoxo
  15. Dear Lora , Cara's mom , First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss . I have lost many family members , friends and my pets but I can't imagine losing a child my heart goes out to you . For me I never had children so I consider my pets as my kids, Kiki was my baby she was there for me when I was sick , happy , sad , lonely , I loved her more than I can type into words and I have cried a river of tears. The first week I became really ill with anxiety and depression with not being able to function barely at all it seemed my mind , body and soul were shutting down. No sleep , no appetite , nausea, shaking and crying , I have been spending a lot of time online reading other stories of grief and although I hate the fact that we have all lost our loved ones I realize it is a part of life and I have found some strange comfort in the similarities of all the stories of love and loss that I no longer feel alone in my pain. ( if that makes any sense) I have been going through all the stages of grief over and over and I'm pretty sure with my existing and ongoing condition that I will continue to do so but in time the symptoms will lesson and I will be able to see through this dark tunnel thanks to caring people such as yourself who take the time to help a stranger in need of some kind heartfelt words . Thank you so much for taking the time to read and post . Sincerely Kiki's mom <3