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gambitjr

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About gambitjr

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    pittsburgh, pa.
  • Loss Type
    My precious, precious daughter
  • Angel Date
    04-22-2013

Converted

  • Occupation
    3d cadd design
  • Last Name
    rollin
  • First Name
    albert
  • Zip
    15227

Recent Profile Visitors

5,855 profile views
  1. Today it hurt...

    It is so hard for me to believe that Lori is not here. I keep asking why, and I get no answers. It feels like someone tore my soul in half, crushed my spirit, and reduced me to a pile of rubble. I just want my daughter back. Maybe I didn't do things right the first time. Maybe she didn't do things right the first time. Everyone gets a second chance. I keep finding myself wanting to bust something. This is so not fair. This is such a hopeless feeling I have everyday. The tears never help, nor do they wash away the pain. Pain, anger, hopelessness, frustration, guilt...they are my new friends because I can depend on them being there everyday. Feels like this will never end. I am just so heartbroken.
  2. Guilty thoughts

    Your feelings are all normal. Everyone of us has gone though them at one time or another. When we suffer a loss, our emotions are thrown into a blender. Nothing makes any sense to us anymore, as the ones we love are our compass in life. When we lose someone we lose or sense of direction and emotionally are all over the map. Most people will not understand your grieving because it is hard to do if we aren't the ones affected.
  3. Today it hurt...

    Thanksgiving...one of my favorite holidays. The pain of loss was severe today. Felt the lowest I have felt in the last 7 months. Tears flowing and it hurt so bad in the depths of my soul. Did not know who or where to turn. Just sat in the middle of the madness, and couldn't find my way to any consolation. Is this the path I must walk for the rest of my life? If it is, is it really worth it. It's only been 7 months, but I am so tired and worn down. Feel disillusioned about alot of things that I held dear for so many years. Pills, sleeping aids, therapy...oh God I have just started walking this road and I am worn out. I pray, but I feel I don't get answers. I have questions that I think there are no answers to. Lost my daughter 7 months ago...the pain and feelings of loss just never, ever, stop. Thanks for listening and having somewhere to vent. God bless you on your path.
  4. Walking along this road

    I have been through and seen many things in my life. I thought I had walked down every road that one can imagine. I thought I had experienced and felt every emotion one could feel. I had been up on the mountain top and deep down in the valley. I had felt others pain and dealt with my own. I lost my mother and father, almost all of my relatives, and way too many friends. Nothing.....I mean nothing compares to the pain, sadness, and feelings of soul wrenching loss that losing my daughter has brought me. I see many, many posts on this website describing other families feelings of pain and anguish. I wish there was a magic button I could push and remover everyones pain. If I had a magic wand I would wave it. But I don't. I can only reach out of my own grief and tell the others that post on here "I know". I don't know if it helps at all, but whether we want to admit it or not, we are all traveling the same rotten road. We didn't choose to be here, but we are. My only hope is that you will say a prayer for me, and I will say a prayer for you. Someday our questions will be answered. Someday we will see our loved ones again. Then the sadness and pain will go away, forever.
  5. Walking along this road

    Been almost seven months since Lori died. It seems everyday it gets harder and harder to believe this nightmare is true. I miss her so much, and it hurts so bad. I just want my daughter back. Somehow to undo what has been done. I don't want the pills, I don't want the psychiatrists, I just want her back. I want her to and would help her choose a different road. This is such a nightmare. Every minute of everyday, 7 days a week, the pain, loss, and lonely feelings are there right beside me, or in front of me, or behind me. I can't escape them. They follow me wherever I go. There is no rest. I pray, I cry, I get angry, but this solves nothing. I just want my daughter back living a good life that she should have. Just don't know where to turn anymore. I have read many books which have helped me to understand more and more, but they don't solve my delima. Been to a therapist, and talk about the same things, over and over again. I can't change what happened nor can I live each day with what did happen. All I want to do is bury my face in God's shoulder and cry. There is a hugh part of me missing and I can't seem to find it.
  6. 10 seconds Lord

    "10 Seconds Lord" To give her a hug, a kiss on the cheek, To tell her how much we loved her. To see that she is safe, surrounded by those who love her. To step back and exchange smiles, and a wink. Just 10 seconds Lord, 10 seconds. I wrote this for my daughter. Those who walk this path of hell know what I mean. Al Rollin copywrite - 2013
  7. My little sister

    Sorry to hear of your loss. What comes to mind is this....you are not climbing without her, you are climbing to meet her at the top. She is already there waiting for you.
  8. Daughter's wedding

    RKH3, Sorry to hear of your wife. The only answer I feel that is on my mind is that you WILL be able to do this. You are the sole representative for your family and you can do this. Everyone understands what you are going through, espescially your daughter. She understands how hard it will be for you, but on the other hand, how special would it be to her that her father was about to "pony" up, and speak about his wife, her mother. Don't let the officiator say anything about your wife, you knew her, so no one is more qualified to speak about her but you. Do your wife justice and say a few words about her at her daughters wedding, and if you have to stop 50 times to cry, then do it. You will be honoring your wife, and your daughter will receive a gift from you she will remember the rest of her life. God Bless, Al
  9. Death of my mother

    First off, I m sorry for your loss. With that said, the pain will come, as we all experience it in this life. One thing I have learned in my short journey, is to grieve. Let all your emotions go, cry, yell, what ever you need to do to release it. You need the time to grieve, and besides, you are going to whether you want to or not. But a key is to know when to stop. You need to stop the pain and sadness as it will become overwhelming. Allow yourself to stop, or consciously stop yourself and focus on something else to occupy your mind. You are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist. You may also want to seek out support groups in your area. The problem you are having is it seems that your mom was the center of your life, and without her you are now directionless. You will never fill the hole that was left by her death, but you can start to filter good thing into your life. If you don't you will find yourself in a state of despair. It is up to you what direction you want to take. Talk to your friends and family. Lean on anyone you can to help you make it through this. It is not easy, but you can do it, we all can do it, we have to. Try remembering the good times you had with your mom, then instead of sad tears, you will find yourself having happy tears. Talk to your mom, she isn't as far away as you might think. The next time you feel sad, she is probably there with her hand on your shoulder. Hope some of this helps a little, God Bless you, Al
  10. So sorry to hear of your loss. I will say this though. By the post below from your mom, you have what you need, you are blessed. Al
  11. Sorry to hear of your loss. Don't let anyone kid you, your sexual preference had nothing to do with your fathers death..Your family believes that this is the reason your father died? I think most adult people know better, and it sounds like they are looking for someone to blame. You need to take care of you right now as grieving is a very difficult thing to do. You do have to remember that we do not belong to each other. We are given the priviledge of spending time with others. We truely belong to God. He called your father home. Who knows maybe it was to stop the suffering, we can't figure it out now, but someday we will know why. The most important thing for you to remember is that his death had nothing to do with you. Hang on ot the good memories you have, they will help you a lot. You need to take time and grieve. It is a terrible loss. Hope this helps a little, God Bless, Al
  12. Scared of the feelings

    You will feel all the emotions, and you have to let yourself go through it. Fighting it will not help, as when you fight it, you tend to try to internalize it. Put it simply, when you don't let your feelings out, you are turning them against yourself. So when you feel them welling up, just let them go. It is your way of dealing with the grief and pain of your loss. When this happens to me, I just roll with the punches, but after a while I know I need to do something else. This is a concious decision, as just being hammered with the emitional tidal wave endlessly is not good for anyone. I have found that a therapist and support groups help, and you need to take help from anyone or anywhere you can get it. Grieving is not a sprint, it is a marathon, and all of us deal with it differently. I wish you the best in your journey. God Bless, Al
  13. Has your daughter seen a psychiatrist? Almost sounds like borderline personality disorder or bipolar. I am by no means an expert at all, just a suggestion. Traumatic brain injuries are so unpredictable and very difficult to treat. We never give up on our children, ever. It also would appear that you could use a good therapist or support group. You are dealing with a lot, and the lode seems heavy. You can do it. All parents can do it, except sometimes we need some help to get it done. We also need some time to refocus our energies. I can tell you this. I lost my daughter, and wish to this day that she would have let me help her. I would go to the ends of the earth to help her. I know you can help your daughter, and I also know you will not quit trying, but sometimes you need to give yourself a break. Leave no stone unturned. God Bless, Al
  14. The other half of my coin.

    Ace, I am not going to try to convince you of anything. I will tell you that the decision to drink and/or use drugs was hers and hers alone. You didn't make it for her. If you had the choice I am sure the decision would have been different. She made the choice to drink or take drugs. Did she call you to ask if was ok for her to drink? Did she call you to see if was a good idea to take drugs? It is not your responsibility for what she did, it was hers. If it makes you feel better, then blame yourself, but I don't think that is a wise choice. She called you only "after" she was in trouble, again her decision. What she took or drank that night had already been done, and you couldn't change it. It is very painful when we lose someone close to us, and we want to blame everyone and everything in site, including ourselves. You would have been responsible for her death if you were there with her, bought her the drugs or the alcohol, but you weren't. Again it was her choice to make, had nothing to do with you. Hope this helps Go Bless, Al
  15. For both of you who posted. I am sorry to hear of your losses. When we lose someone who is close to us, the first thing that happens is it feels like someone has taken all of our emotions and throws them into a blender, then pours them back into us. You will have times when you get hit with tidal waves of them one at a time, a few, or all at once. The isn't any consistency to it at all. Those we feel that we lose, are not lost, they are around us everyday. You feel like you will forget them, but you won't. You never will. They are closer to you now than you could imagine. They know what you are going through, and they are trying to help you. Sometimes you need to be still and listen. Grieving is a very difficult process. It doesn't come with an instruction book, but we will all go through it. With all your emotions swirling around it is hard to concentrate on anything....you are normal...we have all been there. I believe we never stop missing our loved ones, we just learn to deal with it quicker everyday. We remember them, smile or cry, and move along. When the loss first happens all of our emotions are at the surface and are very raw in nature. There is also our new companion, the heart wrenching pain. All of this is part of the grieving process, and each of us is at a different stage of it. Don't let all the books fool you, they don't come in any order. Allow yourself to feel them, and cry, yell, or scream if you have to. Rely on people or groups that can help you, and take full advantage of it. You need it and you deserve it. Asking the deadly question of "why?" usually results in shear frustration, because you may never find out the answer. But if you need to ask it, feel free to do so. I wish you the best of luck in your journeys, God Bless, Al
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