Jesse David & Taylor Mom

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  1. Still reading here, Ricky's Mom, what a lovely pic of your mom! Tommy's mom, quite honest I swear now more than ever. Especially right after Jesse's passing and the trial. period I think that the intense pain brought it was not at anyone, just swearing, especially when I was alone I would have swear fits -- that I had to be here, and my son was not. Every thing seemed so hard -- so insurmountable. This world seemed like a totally foreign rock, and what the hell was I doing here? I felt and still do, feel displaced in this world. I have not accepted Jesse's passing, neither do I plan to as long as I am alive. I guess some would ask: Why? The answer I would give, is because I can... ...I got a kick in the ass from the universe...he did too. Again, for me, I don't think that there is any merit in total acceptance of what has come to pass...but if someone else takes a different is all ok...this is just for me. I recently just viewed "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon. I did not realize it was based on true story of a man losing his wife. I thought it was unusual that the movie's main character actually described grief as it really is, without the usual super annoying platitudes. The real man, Benjamin Mee is from France, and there is a book he wrote. I might try reading it.
  2. Gretchen that is really quite bizarre on his part. And just not nice. Sending gentle thoughts. Thanks Dee for the poem. I still read here, I am sorry there are so many newcomers. May you find rest and comfort in the days ahead...
  3. Ugly Shoes Poem I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
  4. I am sorry to see all the new faces here, but this place was a lifesaver for me. My son Jesse was killed by an inattentive driver in 2012. She was unrepentant and ran away from the trial for a period of time. It was only after I mounted my own manhunt that she was dug up and kept in jail until trial. After she killed my son, she had a battery charge against her for attacking someone and was a meth user. There were many liars that made up tales to cover their own asses which we managed to overcome for that conviction. So, I understand the rage and fury of it all. We went through a 2+ year trial. She was convicted but her sentencing was not enough. She still has not attempted to pay anything. I would say things have gotten less "raw" but there is always the missing. I wish you all gentleness in this journey.
  5. Hoosier guy -- my sister in law and myself are in the same boat. Right after my son passed my grandson was born 4 months later. On May 15, the bad mom dropped him off (abandoned) him on my doorstep. I raised him from there but now the mom has decided after 3.5 years of being absent that she wants to be the primary and we are fighting her tooth-and-nail. I have confidence in you! You can do it! Georgina, peace to you as you continue the search for justice for James. I would have to check on the video. Also BECKY!!! great sign from Jared.
  6. Cassandra, I came across your post today. Here is a link from the Mayo Clinic (very well known health clinic) on cardiomyopathy. Prayers for healing and management of your condition are sent. Hugs.
  7. All, just a note to say I am doing okay. I am sorry for all the new parents here, I send you all gentle thoughts at this difficult time. I am including a link to the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter for Bereaved Parents. This April they are having their first conference in Scottsdale Arizona. Thanks Dee and Sherry for all your dedication to this site. **************************************************************************************** Excerpt from an article in the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter Written by Beth D'Angelo - Helping Parents Heal - Hawaii Affiliate Leader Death did not take away being his mother nor did it separate our love. We carry our children with us in our voices, our thoughts, in the work we do with our hands and in the heart consciousness of being vulnerable, real and authentic in the presence of another. I have changed my way of understanding what I now know; I have no regrets or resentments in the life I continue to share with Sean. Life happened. My heart broke. I lost my smile and found it again. I enter the rooms of loss and cry hard. I walk out of those rooms and bring love and hope to others until it is my time to return to those crying rooms. I go there because I can. I walk out — because I can. It wasn't always like this, but I have cultivated a life that makes it possible to live inside my story with grace and meaning. I share my time with another mother who has lost their beloved child because every time I am in their presence, I see myself. I see where I was and where I am today and if I can hold a torch for another to light their way, I am passing on the gift of hope that was given to me on one cold February night, when my light dimmed.
  8. Thanks to all those who mentioned Benton's was a Ninja Turtle theme this year... Susan, thanks for sharing the pic... Dee, what does the fund do for the Syrian Children?
  9. I thought the story might be an encouragement to all that are here...these are sacred moments...I am always encouraged by that lovely photo of Erica's light... Also, Becky you out there? doing okay? Bob, Jesse would have loved to be cooking that sausage up on the wood stove...we have done that some ourselves... Colleen, good to see your post here, it is hard to come to terms with how our loved one passed...I agree... Cheryl, thanks for posting the pic of your lovely grand daughter....congratulations of her early graduation! Tommy's Mum, it can be healing to find something to pour your heart into, one bereaved mum I talked with organized a homeless shelter for vets as her son died in the Iraqi conflict. She took in many soldiers who needed healing and still does this kind of work. Kate, thinking of you and Ross too, I suppose you up there still have plenty of mom who only lives about 4 hours south of me keeps letting me know how they don't have any snow where she is, can't figure that out...She lives pretty close to where Colleen is... Sandy, good to see your post... Wade, hope to hear more from you...its okay to say you are not okay...there is no way anyone has to make this journey...there is no outcome that needs to be arrived at...I send gentle thoughts your way.... Susan, also thanks for the pics of the sunsets, very lovely... Finally, thanks again to Dee and Sherry for staying on here... Today was my Grandson Benton's 4th birthday...he is a rainbow child as he was born shortly after Jesse passed...we were so happy to have him today.
  10. Wade, good to see your Brooks face here tonight... I am sorry if I missed any angelversarys or other special events...may you all know your angels are close. I have a sharing to post here that just occurred on Jan 27. It is about my older sister Julie, who was also killed by being ran over...I am reposting what I wrote about this event: Love never dies. ************************************************* I had a older sister that passed in 2003. We all believe she knew her time was near as afterwards, we found cards that she had gotten for us that would be for the entire rest of the year, like birthday, easter, most were were filled out. (she was ran over as a pedestrian)... Now shortly before she passed, she had wanted to take my younger sister out to a steak dinner for a birthday. My younger sister's fiance was to be included. However, my older sister passed before that dinner occurred, she passed in May. Now, this last Friday -- Jan 27, my younger sister went out with her fiance to a steak house. Now, this particular restaurant is across from the cemetery where my older sister is buried. There was a long line to wait, it was to be about 45 minutes. However, a waitress noticed that my younger sister and her fiance waiting, and asked how many were in their party and my sister said only the 2 of them. The waitress, said she didn't know why, but she felt drawn to them. (my sister didn't know what to make of this, for a random stranger to say that)... The waitress sat my sister and fiance down at the table for 2 and was their server throughout the evening. My sister's fiance commented that maybe my older sister had a hand in this...well after they had been seated, certain songs kept coming on the overhead which would have been my sister's kind of music, (like early retro music from the 70s) It was unnerving for my younger sister. And the waitress kept repeating to my younger sister throughout that evening how drawn she was to them---synchronicity?? Now at the end of the dinner, my younger sister was exhausted thinking about my older sister and all the songs on the overhead which kept playing which were my older sister's genre... Finally, before my sister left the steak restaurant, the waitress told her again that she felt a connection with her, and if she ever needed anything, to look her up. The waitress said her name was JULIE. My deceased sister's name is JULIE.
  11. Stifled Grief: How the West Has It Wrong 06/03/2016 02:20 pm ET | Updated Jun 07, 2016 After nearly seven years of personal experience surrounding loss, I can tell who is going to read, share and comment on this article and it’s not necessarily the audience I’ve intended. Those who have walked the horrific road of loss will shake their collective heads “Yes” at many of my points below and share with pleads for the rest of the Western World to read, learn, evolve and embrace these concepts. Unfortunately, my words will fall short for my intended audience because the premise does not yet apply to their lives...yet. In time, my words will resonate with every human on the face of this earth, but until a personal journey with loss takes place, my words will be passed over in exchange for articles about gorillas and fights over public bathroom usage. There is nothing sexy or exciting about grief. There is nothing that grabs a reader with no personal interest to open my words and take heed to my writing. I’m here to say that the West has the concept of grieving all wrong. I’d like to point out that we are a culture of emotionally stunted individuals who are scared of our mortality and have mastered the concept of stuffing our pain. Western society has created a neat little “grief box” where we place the grieving and wait for them to emerge fixed and whole again. The grief box is small and compact, and it comes full of expectations like that range from time frames to physical appearance. Everyone who has been pushed into the grief box understands it’s confining limitations, but all of our collective voices together can’t seem to change the intense indignation of a society too emotionally stifled to speak the truth. It’s become easier to hide our emotional depth than to reveal our vulnerability and risk harsh judgment. When asked if we are alright, it’s simpler to say yes and fake a smile then, to be honest, and show genuine human emotion. Let me share below a few of the expectations and realities that surround grief for those who are open to listening. None of my concepts fit into societies grief box and despite the resounding amount of mutual support by the grieving for what I write below, many will discount my words and label us as “stuck” or “in need of good therapy.” I’m here to say those who are honest with the emotions that surround loss are the ones who are the least “stuck” and have received the best therapy around. You see, getting in touch with our true feelings, embracing the honest emotions of death only serve to expand the heart and allow us to move forward in a genuine and honest way. Death happens to us all so let’s turn the corner and embrace the truth behind life after loss. Expectation: Grief looks a certain way in the early days. Tears, intense sadness, and hopelessness. Reality: Grief looks different for every single person. Some people cry intensely, and some don’t cry at all. Some people break down, and others stand firm. There is no way to label what raw grief looks like as we all handle our loss in different ways due to different circumstances and various life backgrounds that shape who we are. Expectation: The grieving need about a year to heal. Reality: Sometimes grief does not even get started till after the first year. I’ve heard countless grieving people say year two is harder than year one. There is the shock, end of life arrangements and other business matters that often consume the first year and the grieving do not have the time actually to sit back and take the time to grieve. The reality is there is no acceptable time frame associated with grief. Expectation: The grieving will need you most the first few weeks. Reality: The grieving are flooded with offers of help the first few weeks. In many cases, helping the grieving six months or a year down the line can be far more helpful because everyone has returned to their lives and the grief stricken are left to figure it out alone. Expectation: The grieving should bury the dead forever. After a year, it is uncomfortable for the grieving to speak of their lost loved one. If they continue to talk about them, they are stuck in their grief and need to “move on.” Reality: The grieving should speak of the dead forever if that’s what they wish to do. When someone dies, that does not erase the memories you made, the love you shared and their place in your heart. It is not only okay to speak of the dead after they are gone, but it’s also a healthy and peaceful way to move forward. Expectation: For the widowed - If you remarry you shouldn’t speak of your lost loved one otherwise you take away from your new spouse. Reality: You never stop loving what came before, and that does not in any way lessen the love you have for what comes after. When you lose a friend - you don’t stop having friends, and you love them all uniquely. If you lose a child and have another, the next child does not replace or diminish the love you had for the first. If you lose a spouse, you are capable of loving what was and loving what does not cancel out or minimize the next. Love expands the heart, and it’s okay to honor the past and embrace the future. Expectation: Time heals all wounds. Reality: Time softens the impact of the pain, but you are never completely healed. Rather than setting up false expectations of healing let’s talk about realistic expectations of growth and forward movement. Grief changes who you are at the deepest levels and while you may not forever be in an active mode of grief you will forever be shaped by the loss you have endured. Expectation: If you reflect on loss beyond a year you are “stuck.” Reality: Not a day goes by where I am not personally affected by my loss. Seeing my children play sports, looking at my son who is the carbon copy of his Dad or hearing a song on the radio or smell in the air. Loss because part of who you are and even though I don’t choose to dwell on grief it has a way of sneaking in now and again even when I’m most in love with life at the current moment. It’s not because we dwell or focus, and it’s not because we don’t make daily choices to move forward. It’s because we loved and we lost, and it touches us for the remainder of our days in the most profound ways. Expectation: When you speak of the dead you make the griever sad, so it’s best not to bring them up. Reality: When we talk about our lost loved one we are often happy and filled with joy. My loss was six and a half years ago and to this day, my late husband is one of my favorite people to talk and hear about. Hearing his name makes me smile and floods my mind with happy memories of a life well lived. It makes the grieving sadder when everyone around them refuses to say their name. Forgetting they existed is cruel and a perfect example of our stifled need to fix the unfixable. Expectation: If you move forward you never loved them or conversely if you don’t move forward you never loved them. Reality: The grieving need to do what is right for them, and nobody knows what that is except the person going through it. Expectation: It’s time to “move on.” Reality: There is no moving on - there is only moving forward. From the time death touches our lives we move forward, in fact, we are not given a choice but to move forward. However, we never get to a place where the words move on resonate. The words “move on” have a negative connotation to the grieving. They suggest a closure that is nonexistent and a fictitious door we pass through. Expectation: Grief is a linear process and a series of steps to be taken. Each level is neatly defined and the order predetermined. Reality: Grief is an ugly mess full of pitfalls, missteps, sinking, and swimming. Like a game of shoots and ladders, you never know when the board might pull you back and send you down the ladder screaming at the top of your lungs. Just when you think you’ve arrived at the finish, you draw a card that sends you back to start and just when it appears you’ve lost the game you jump ahead and come one step closer to the front of the line. Expectation: The grieving should seek professional forms of counseling exclusively. Reality: The grieving should seek professional forms of counseling but also the grieving should look strongly towards alternative modes of therapy like fitness, art, music, meditation, journaling and animal therapy. The grieving should take an “active” part in their grief process and understand that coping comes in many different forms for all the different people who walk this earth. Expectation: The grieving either live in the past or the present. IT is not possible to have a multitude of emotions. Reality: The grieving live their lives with intense moments of duality. Moments of incredible happiness mixed with feelings of deep sadness. There is a depth of emotion that forever accompany those who have lived with a loss. That duality can cause constant reflection, and a deeper appreciation of all life has to offer. Expectation: The grieving should be able to handle business as usual within a few weeks. Reality: The brain of a grieving person can be in a thick fog, especially for those who have experienced extreme shock, for more than a year. Expect forgetfulness, a reduced ability to handle stress and grayness to be commonplace after a loss. I’ve just scratched the surface above on the many areas where grief is misunderstood in our society. One hundred percent of the people who walk this earth will deal with death. Each of us will experience the passing of someone close that we love or our personal morality. It is about time we open up the discussion around death, dying and grief and stop the stigma that surrounds our common bond. Judgment, time frames, and neat little grief boxes have no place in the reality that surrounds loss. Western culture asks us to suppress our pain, stuff our emotions and restrain our cries. Social media has given many who grieve the opportunity to open up dialogue, be vulnerable on a large scale level and take the combined heat that comes with that honesty. As a whole, society does not want to hear or accept that grief stays with us in some capacity for the rest of our lives. Just like so many other aspects of our culture, we want to hear there is a quick fix, a cure-all, a pill or a healthy dose of “get over it” to be handed out discreetly and dealt with quietly. The reality is you will grieve in some capacity for the rest of your life. Once loss touches you-you are forever changed despite what society tells you. Stop looking at the expectations of an emotionally numbed society as your threshold and measuring stick for success. Instead, turn inward and look at the vulnerable reality of a heart that knows the truth about loss. With your firsthand knowledge escape the grief box and run out screaming truth as you go. If we make enough noise maybe someday societies warped expectation will shift to align with reality. Follow Michelle E. Steinke on Twitter:
  12. It has been a long 4 + years since my beloved son has transitioned to his new home. I have found that still after all this time, not much makes sense to me in my life. I would say the raw terrible pain has faded...however, I still have not returned. A faded version of me exists and I have improved my skills at carefully hiding behind a mask -- very well crafted to hide the heart pain from the outside world. I now travel The Road Not Taken.
  13. Tommy's mum, thanks for sharing your poetry on this thread. Sending you gentle thoughts and healing wishes.
  14. Beautiful Girl Lauraliz, we wonder why such lovely ones get taken. You might be familiar with the song by the Band Perry, If I die Young...just don't understand. You are more than welcome to join us on the thread Loss of an Adult Child. There is a very interactive group there...we post as we can. If you just want to "hang out" there, and read along, or need to vent it is all okay. Hugs.
  15. Lauralliz, I am sorry for the loss of your dear daughter and for your dad. I understand that longing. Hugs.
  16. Susan, thanks for posting the pics of the baby. How sweet. It is supposed to warm up next week, I am relieved. I think sitting here too long is just overwhelming me. I am hoping to get to feeling a bit better next week. Hopefully post something a bit longer then these snippets. My Thoughts for the Day: For all of the Angels here, and to those newer angels: Jake and Tommy, Love is forever, death does not end those bonds.
  17. Thanks to all who mentioned me. I am just a bit under the weather right now...took today and just rested. I have been trying different things in line of self-care, like meditation, looking at natural health products, and using essential oils. I try for the distractions but lately it just doesn't seem to work, and I find myself so tired. Georgina, prayers for your quest for justice... Susan, post a pic of the **newcomer** when you can.. Dianne thanks for the mention. Kate, hope you are staying warm, it was 1 degree here. I think of you all, and send gentle thoughts. May you have sweet dreams and a restful night.
  18. Dee, sending prayers for your friend Patti. I would also like to add a thought to your earlier post. Coming here allows for us to tell and re-tell our story in an understanding atmosphere. It has been a safe spot for me in this storm of life. Thanks to you and Sherry for staying on to help those who come after.... Gretchen, thanks for sharing the post from Cindy...I love Forest tee that says, This princess saves herself...I can imagine him wearing that and the reactions! I am posting a song that was on my mind as I woke up this morning. Dedicating it to Jesse on finding his way "Home"....a song I have always loved...
  19. Thanks Dee for asking and to Susan for answering. Some days it is really hard, though it has become a bit easier. My first job is one I can call my own hours as I work for a friend's company doing database and account management. She did surprise me one time by using Facetime on my new Iphone, I didnt even know what it was and there she was and she could see me. Anyways, she was diagnosed with cancer December 2015, but is doing fine with the recovery. I was hired in a hurry. The second job is in retail and I do have problems with walking that many hours as I stress-fractured one of my feet. Hasn't healed right. Dee, I think about how many times I see your girl's face when I log in here....I do think about each one's child here, something will spark a memory, I heard Cara's song the other day (the one by the band Perry) , I heard a song that Georgina put out for her James, Lay me Down...and just other reminders of our angels here. I am sorry your nephew is going down that is so hard, I have a nephew too who has chosen some darker paths... Gretchen, I am going to pm you. I too think of those who haven't posted in awhile...hope you are as well as can be...let us know! ********************************* Bob, I think the woodstove idea is great...I sat by the woodstove a lot the first couple years, it was very soothing. I even slept by it on really bad nights/days. I must admit Grief still rages, sometimes in calms down a bit, and sometimes it swells up again...I still throw fits of rage at the just is the way it is. I live a dual life now...the outward me...and the inner me... I had read just recently about how someone needs to follow their own leading in things of this nature...not to give in to what others may expect...for one never really knows how they would react until it is them...movement along this path takes its own course...its own cannot be forced...
  20. Bob, that one sentence would be such a beautiful thing to let him know..." been thinking about my oldest son a little bit today . ive loved him since he was a newborn who fit snugly in only one of my hands . ( big hands , lol ) " -- The words you wrote are from the heart... ... we never know when that last time might be...I saw my son on a Sunday night and basically felt "prompted" to tell him how proud we were to be his parents, how much we loved him as we held him as a small baby, that Wednesday he was killed by some dumbs**t. I remember exactly where I was standing, how he walked out of his house...the total scene of that moment is forever etched in my mind and soul... Looking back, I know that conversation was prompted by the Universe...or greater truths... Dianne, thanks for asking...I have just been quietly reading along...
  21. Susan, is that snow in Texas???
  22. Kate, thanks for the Christmas greetings. Today it actually rained in northern Wi. Gretchen, lovely thoughtful of the friend to make you that ornament. The baby in the cute bib is so CUTE! Fits totally.