Jesse David & Taylor Mom

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About Jesse David & Taylor Mom

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    Jesse David's & Taylor's Mom

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  • Angel Date
    Jesse David 8/2/84-10/10/12; Taylor James 6/25/87-8/87

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  1. All, thank you for the responses on how the book by Joan Didion's book impacted you. I have found myself in that magical thinking land, I admit, I still live in it to a degree... Susan, I too think of the many connections that seem to bind each heart here...such connections are made and somehow I believe our children are also glad that we find support, help and comfort in one another. Special thanks to the long timers who stay on with words of encouragement.... Sherry, our deer have been a bit more quiet this year, but that could change. Many of the cranes have gathered for fall, and are going to take flight soon. Kate, thinking of you as the fall season moves at things there? Dianne, thank you for sharing that beautiful story about your grand daughter's experiences with her Uncle Michael. I am sure it must have been shocking for your daughter to hear but also what validation that love continues on! Georgina, sending warm thoughts to you as you enter this race...I am not a runner either but it is good you are able to do this. Very handsome picture of your that your daughter with him? I think about those who come and post here and send gentle thoughts...I have been super busy with the jobs and trying to get the documentation together for Thomas's case for his son to gain custody...Thomas is also due to have back surgery at the end of this month (a disc replacement) so there are a lot of irons in the fire right now. Sending love to the group...
  2. From the book, The Year of Magical Thinking, written by Joan after the loss of her husband. “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband (*or in our case, child) is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” ― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
  3. Janris, I so agree with what others have posted here to you. Like Susan said, I too do not have anyone in my community that I could talk to about my child loss. I have found that child loss seems to be a different kind of loss than most. There is that mother instinct that wants to protect our children from all harm...but somehow the worse came to be. I too have lost one infant and now an adult son. Some days are better than others. Sandy, how nice that your children are moving near you again...what a blessing! My son's kids enjoy playing with their cousins so much....they have their own unique circle. Georgina, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly, HUGS. Wendy, still keeping you in prayers. HUGS. All, thanks for the special words of kindness this past angel day for Jesse. It meant so much to me. Dianne, thanks for posting the pic of the christening...she looks so carefree in her beautiful dress. I do love cathedrals, the architecture just speaks to was one of the places I went with my mom to light candles for my sons and so many of our family members that passed shortly thereafter...
  4. Cheryl, it is best just to go ahead and type your response to the thread at the bottom of the page and just note the person's name. Seems to not get lost then. Sherry, thank you for the poem by Catherine Turner and the remembrance. Today I changed out the fall flowers for white roses with a touch of purple. I thought they would weather better. Last year the frost came too soon so I could not switch out. Shannon, I would agree...this 4th year the feeling of "forever this life" is overshadowing everything. I think perhaps the only thing that has come out of this is for me to pretend much better. I hate that pretense but have found it necessary as I have had to take a second job that has public contact. I am still not comfortable with that, but it has to be for right now.
  5. Becky, Lora, and Georgina, thank you all for posting a remembrance for Jesse. It means so much to me and is a balm to the heart. Lora, I will pray for your Aunt Pat. Do you live close to her? I am not sure why some people just get hammered with tragedy, one thing after another.
  6. Dee, I had wanted to let you know your family has been in my prayers, your nephew and your Brother-in-Laws family. Also, thanks for sharing the poetry which always touches my heart. Becky, thanks for posting the wonderful picture of your JD, One of the Three! Sherry, hope all is well.
  7. Thank you Shannon, Kate and Susan... Susan, I am sure you will work it out. I too wonder about certain connection points now. For all those who travel this hard road, I send gentle thoughts for the journey, love for the heart, and the warmth of friendship.
  8. Thank you Dianne for the kind remembrance for Jesse. It is so very appreciated. I would say the lead up days were worse... Susan, I have always appreciated the Gramma Essie sayings you have shared. Like we are partakers in her nuggets of wisdom. For all my Indigo Friends:
  9. Exactly my thoughts. Thanks Susan, "It is true that time becomes such an abstract when dealing with this kind of if we are passing ...yet...with one foot in yesterday and one foot in today...we seem suspended in some kind of time warp...hard to explain..unless you are living it." There is a duality that is always present for me now. Even when I am out and about I am constantly aware that there are two entirely different dialogues in my head...what I must do to get the next task accomplished...but always returning to my beautiful sons....
  10. Missing Jesse like Crazy today. Four long years today.
  11. Georgina, thanks for the beautiful remembrance of all our angels here. I am so thankful for all the parents here who have shared their children and their stories. I found this segment with Dr. Lani Leary who is a llong-time grief counselor sharing her experience of helping the bereaved. It starts at 30:26 in the interview. The video should be set to start at that point below.
  12. Georgina, how are you doing? Dianne, thanks for sharing...we have had friends walk away too. However, those that are left are the ones I feel that are worth it. We are not very social anymore either. I am okay with that. Susan and Shannon, thanks for the encouragement with my grandson. I feel so hollowed out already...but this has to be won for his sake.
  13. Gretchen, thanks for sharing the video, it brings such us all... Shannon, I would agree with what you is not less painful, I just have learned to hide things better... I may be scheduling another appointment with Janette myself. When I talked to her, it was about 2 weeks after yours...she had asked me, "didn't I do some kind of reading for you not too long ago?"...I said no she hadn't but I wondered if it was because of your reading shortly before mine and perhaps that connection was felt...I wrote out what she said and still have my handwritten transcript. Sherry, thanks for your continuing supportive posts and Susan, for the screen shots... Dee, I will be sending prayers for the family who lost their husband/father... Lora, I have been thinking of you, because I remember early on how you took 2 jobs to get in a better place financially...I have had to do the same. We never know in our sharing, that it might be that very thing, later, that someone else might need to use as a vital "tool" in their grief toolbox. So thank you. Our family has had to get an attorney for my grandson, to try and gain full placement. The mom is just not capable of raising him, having abandoned him at 3 months on our doorstep. She is still unstable and neglectful as a parent. ****************************************************************** My sister had an interesting experience shared with her about 2 weeks ago. Shortly after Jesse transitioned, a young woman in my sister's neighborhood in southeast WI perished in a house fire. It was thought her husband set the fire as she was leaving him. My sister's fiance knows the family well as he has lived in that area for years and it was a small community at one time. The person who my sister talked with was this young woman's sister. This was at a wedding they both had been invited to. And ironically they were seated at the same table and this subject of her sister's passing came up. Basically the woman (well grounded as she is a 3rd shift nurse at a local hospital) said that she had extreme signs before her sister's death that something was coming up. Beyond even what I had. The woman is still shaken as she did not know these types of "otherworldly" events could occur, and they did. She now describes herself as "spiritual" and "awakened" as none of these experiences were told to her that they could happen. Not from what is taught at churches, or anywhere else. It changes one's reality for sure. As she is on 3rd shift, she has experiences with many patients dying. It changed the way she viewed that as well...
  14. Remembering Jared… Becky, sending gentle thoughts your way. Hugs.
  15. I found these articles on end of life visions by Lisa S. who experienced them with her father. I have witnessed this as well. About a year ago, I wrote an article for Mysterious Ways magazine about the last words of the dying. I’ve been fascinated by the topic ever since, especially since many last words are so cryptic. So I was thrilled to recently talk to Lisa Smartt, a linguist and founder of the Final Words Project. She’s analyzed almost 2,000 “end-of-life utterances” to make sense of the words of the dying. Her book, Words at the Threshold, based on data collected with Dr. Raymond Moody, is coming out March 2017. Here’s what Lisa had to say about final words and her own personal connection to the field of research. How did you get into studying the last words of the dying? I have always had a love for language. I studied linguistics at UC Berkeley, and my career as a literacy and learning specialist involved analyzing how people acquire and process language. Plus, my dad was a psychologist and poet. We shared a love for words and ideas. In 2012, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He started radiation and, due to complications from the treatment, only lived for three weeks after that. I found solace during that time in writing down everything he said. I was able to track his consciousness in those final days. There were so many things that baffled and touched me. After he died, I was left with so many questions. That’s what led me to research last words and start the Final Words Project with Dr. Moody. Read More: Dreams Bring Peace After a Loved One's Death What about your dad’s last words was so fascinating? I was especially drawn to his use of metaphors and symbols. He talked about needing help to “come down,” as if he were floating. He said things like, “I am in the green dimension” or “I need maintenance…there is nothing for this.” A day before he died, he was on the phone with his secretary, Alice, and he said, “This is very interesting, Alice, I’ve never done this before.” What was the “this” he spoke about? Why didn’t he just say “dying”? Was he undergoing something else for which he had no words? He also spoke of all the people crowding the room, even though there was no one there. There was a kind of sacred quality around my father, much like the energy in a room of a woman who’s just given birth. It’s not that his dying was beautiful and easy. But I became convinced that something was happening that was sacred and holy. Did anything strike you as particularly out of character for your dad? One day, as I sat beside him, his eyes popped open and his eyes tracked the edges of the ceiling. “Lisa, Lisa!” he said. “You were right about the angels!” He had never talked about or believed in angels before. Ten days later, he announced, “Enough…the angels say enough…only three days left.” These were all words from a man who was once so lucid and very bright. It seemed to signal that his mind was in transition. His mind was seeing and feeling things outside the usual narrative of our ordinary life. Why did you take your dad’s “nonsense talk” seriously? I’d been trained to take all language seriously. Not to judge language, but to transcribe and then understand it. As a linguist, if you hear a language or a dialect that is very different than your own, you don’t think, “That language is all wrong. That dialect is bad.” You think, “How fascinating, I want to understand the patterns and structure of that language.” There is organization in all language, no matter how nonsensical it is. On the surface, the language of the dying may seem like “word salad,” but there are actually patterns that appear to be unique to dying and seem to track the pathway of consciousness in a person’s final days. What were your dad’s very last words? They were uttered privately to my mother–“Thank you. I love you.” Rest of articles: Part 2 Part 3