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Sammijo2424

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About Sammijo2424

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Dallas, tx area
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    2/2013

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired
  • Interests
    Reading, grandchildren, my dog
  • Country
    USA

Recent Profile Visitors

2,856 profile views
  1. My husband passed away 2 years ago. Today has been very difficult, all the memories of that day came flooding back, he died suddenly; walked into the ER, and died 12 hours later. Even though I have a man in my life, I still miss him so much, I always knew no matter what he would always be by my side, without a doubt I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together. I miss his hugs, his kisses (he was the best kisser in this world). I miss everything about our life, ok so there are some things I don't miss like his grown daughter living here.. I am very confused today about my life now versus my life before, but I know my husband will not come back so I will never have that life again
  2. My husband has been gone almost 2 years, tomorrow is his birthday, his second to spend in heaven. After he died, I spent every day trying to figure out how to kill myself and make it look like an accident. It was a battle to get out of bed, and I, like you, had no purpose, I still am unsure of my purpose. Funny thing is when I was with him I never thought about purpose. Every day everything was really a battle, whether to eat, take a bath, brush my teeth, believe me in time that does get better. After two years some days (not many) are still a battle. Most of the last week I have spent crying, I have a new man in my life and am going to marry him on June 20th but still I grieve for my husband. Now days I do pretty good until a special date comes up, thankfully my fiancée is very understanding and holds me as I cry. I tell you all this to say, yes, you can move on from this, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. I went to counseling for a year. I struggled every day for about 15 months, I think for many years to come I will have BAD days, in time you will find you are having a few good days, then maybe a good week and so on. Hope in some way this helps.
  3. Feelings on upcoming holiday

    Yes, my children are gown, 38, 35 & 31. I talked to my man, asked him to stay with his Mom on Friday night, his feelings were hurt, I was crying, but he said he would do whatever I wanted. Now I feel resentful toward daughter, but we will make it thru somehow, but I am saying I won't do this again for them
  4. Feelings on upcoming holiday

    With the holidays quickly approaching I find myself more tearful. Even though there is a new man in my life and I am happy, I am also sad that my husband is not here, very confusing. My children are not making things easy either, they do not want him here for Thanksgiving, I want him here. We live together when he is not working out of town. One of my daughters has asked that he not spend night when she is here, that I need to consider her feelings. My husband has been gone almost 2 years, I am trying to go on with my life, I miss him so much, I dreamed last night I was cheating on him with new man. Right now I want to forget thanksgiving, and Christmas. Why does everything have to be so hard? No one seems to care about my feelings. I lost my husband of 22 years who I loved more than anything but yet I get talked about, laughed at by my children behind my back, they let it slip that they had been talking about me. Instead of celebrating I will just be gritting my teeth and trying to get thru it, right now I am just sick at heart. I feel that having a new man, who is a good Christian man is driving a wedge between me and kids. They never come home anymore, they didn't even before he came along, I sat in this house, crying day in and day out, doing nothing, absolutely nothing. Today my life is full, I have a church family who I love and who love me, closer to brothers and sisters, have a future mother in law I love and who loves me, my man and I go and do things, so what am I to do? I think I will crawl into hole and stay there for the next week but I know that is impossible. I will just be glad when this holiday is over
  5. Lost my husband...how do I continue on?

    I felt I had to reply to this post, as I have also lost my husband, almost 21 months ago, but also as a hospice nurse, I worked with the terminally ill for 7 years. I have been with hundreds and hundreds of people as they left this world. You did not kill him, please don't ever think that, hospice was only there to make him more comfortable and to help him let go, you did the right thing by giving him permission. Even though my husband died quite suddenly, after they had resuscitated him 6 times, I had to tell him it was ok if he had to go, I would somehow make it thru, I only did this because I loved him too much to let him keep trying to hang on, was the hardest thing I had ever done. Believe me, from my experience it sounds like it would have been much harder on your husband without the hospice nurses. I have seen it both ways. When someone is in horrible pain it is so hard to get down to the business of dying. Many people think the morphine killed their loved one, but severe, severe pain eats up the morphine in a hurry, and even though it takes mega doses at times to get the pain under control, it only makes the pain tolerable. In my mind, you gave your husband a wonderful gift by giving him permission to let go and helping him be more comfortable. I don't know if what I have said has helped you any, I hope so, though in the early days and months there is not one thing that will really help, I tried everything and nothing really helped except time. I still miss my husband terribly, but I do know I will see him again
  6. I AM ENGAGED, LIVING LIFE

    Well yesterday I officially became engaged, we went and ordered the ring, should be here in 10 days. I came home and cried, cried for my lost life with my husband, cried about the idea of putting on another ring. I am so happy about it but still had to grieve some for my husband, my fiancée sat with me and cried with me, he gets it, he really does. I called my girls tonight and told them I will be getting married next summer, mainly waiting so my oldest daughter and family can be here, they live 1500 miles away, otherwise it would be sooner. The were not exactly happy, to say the least, there were some tears, some hollering, but did not want them to see ring and know nothing about it. My husband has been gone 20 months, not like I did this after 2-3 months, I waited a year and a half. I will always, always love him, pictures of him will remain up in the house, he will always be in my heart, in fact I still grieve him. After the first month my kids left me here alone and came home seldom, I was all on my own. One daughter said some very hurtful things, said I did not care what they think, etc. Ok, so I did not post this to rant about my kids, they will come around eventually, but to share my joy and excitement. I am actually living life again, we go and do all the time, my cup runneth over
  7. Nothing matters .... no change

    As I read your post I felt your pain, and oh I know it well. My husband passed away 19 months ago, and like your husband it was very sudden. He walked into the emergency room, was talking, and 12 hrs later he was dead. It took me about a year and 3 months to get to the point where I did not ask God to take me home multiple times a day. I went to counseling for a year, tried grief support groups twice, I tried volunteering, tried getting more involved in church, none of this really made me feel any better, except the counseling which helped a lot but I only went every two weeks, oh and also I got a dog, some days I only got out of bed to take care of him. This site helped me tremendously, I was able to write down how I felt and read others' stories without worrying about my horrible pain adding more pain on my kids. For me, the only thing that made a difference was time, things really do get easier with time. Also spent a lot of time working on yard, pulling weeds can be very therapeutic, you don't think, you just do. I traveled a lot. The old me that lived a happy life with my husband is gone, I am not that person anymore, i am much stronger than i ever imagined. Honestly, I am still searching for my purpose, our kids are grown, it is just me and my dog, I recently started dating again and reconnected with a childhood boyfriend, for the most part I am happy and at peace, believe me I still have down, sad moments but they don't last as long, but overall i find myself smiling and laughing more. I tell you all this to let you know there is hope, you will find your way eventually, everyone is different on how long it takes.
  8. First time I'm sharing with others

    It just amazes me that people could even THINK we could be over the loss of our husbands after 1 short year, first of all the first 6 months we are in shock, on auto pilot, doing what we must, but not really THERE. Not only did we lose our husband, we lost our identity, life as we knew it is gone in an instant. I lost my husband 1 1/2 years ago, i not only mourned him but my lost life, i have had to try to make a new life for myself, my life was gone, i feel i am not the same person i was, but someone totally different. i too felt guilty for every little thing i did wrong in our marriage, heck, i felt so guilty for even being alive and him dead. For way over a year i mostly just laid in bed everyday and like you i did not see the reason to bath, clean house, eat, or do anything else, no one was around to care. i only cleaned house right before one of my kids would come to visit. After about a year and 3-4 months things kinda leveled out some. I saw a therapist every 2 weeks for a year, he helped me tremendously. I tried a grief support group twice but was mostly overwhelming hearing about everyone else's pain, I couldn't bear heaping all their pain on top of my own. Today I still don't know my purpose for being here, have tried several volunteer opportunities but have not found anything that I feel passionate about, but still trying to find it. I have reacquainted with an old childhood boyfriend and am crazy about him but there is still a sadness in me, I still mourn my husband, he has held me several times while I cried and cried about him. Things do get easier, but the process is different for everyone. This site was a big help to me just being able to write down my feelings, and knowing there are others feeling the same as me.
  9. My first date in 24 years

    Caremal, so good to hear from you, it is wonderful to hear you are happy. When I first joined you were one of the people that helped me the most, thank you so much for that. My children have mixed emotions about me dating, moving forward is much harder for me than they could ever imagine, so confusing but I love this man, he has no jealousy toward my husband and we talk of him often, says he loves him for taking such good care of me. The way I look at it now is that my husband is the lucky one, he got to leave all this pain behind. I still have pics of him out in my home, I still talk to him, I even still mourn him but life does goes on and I just chose to move forward with it. I just know for the most part I am happy and at peace, most of the time and know that he loves looking down and seeing me living again, still have times where I cry and cry but my man holds me till I stop and says "it is ok, cry all you need". I don't know where this will all lead, but sure am enjoying the ride.
  10. My first date in 24 years

    Just wanted to give an update on my dating situation. The first guy is out of the picture. My older brother asked me around July 1st if he could give my number to an old childhood boyfriend, actually my first boyfriend, and I said yes. He called the next day, have seen him every chance I get since then, the first date was 10 hrs long and involved going to church twice that day. Oh my goodness, I never, ever, ever expected to feel this way again, am crazy about him, and he has already told me he intends to marry me. I don't know about that, at least for a long, long time. But I do know I want to be around him every minute. We just immediately clicked, not like the first guy, with him I kept going back and forth...do I like him, do I not like him. I told the first guy immediately I could not see him again. I still have my moments of feeling guilty, asking myself if I am crazy or what, after the second date I cried for hours, cried over the future I had planned, missing my husband and just being very confused about how I can have such strong feelings for someone else but at the same time still be in love for my husband. I am getting past that now and beginning to understand that it is ok, I can love both of them, he really had me when he said he really liked my husband because he took such good care of me, and he looked forward to meeting him when he gets to heaven, that just touched my heart so much.
  11. What do you eat?

    You will get there though backyarder, remember has been year and half for me and have really only seen real improvement in the last few months, plus I totally expect to have more bad times, but it helps knowing it will happen, I will just live thru them and keep going forward. I know Ron would want me to find some kind of happiness, that is all he ever wanted, to make me happy. And I also thought (heck, still think) all the time about making him proud of me and the person I have become, his motto was always love deeply, give freely and make each moment count. Funny thing, he would never, ever take a nap unless he was really sick, said he did not want to miss anything, wanted to be awake to enjoy each moment.
  12. What do you eat?

    One of the saddest things about the new me is I think Ron would have really liked the person I have become...independent, always on the go, he always wanted to go, I was a homebody. I have also lost so, so much weight and I look so much better, plus I eat better, finally, after many months of eating almost nothing, and I am much healthier. I am now off insulin and BP med. just makes me so angry that he is not here to see it, but maybe he gets a peek every once in a while from heaven, and smiles.
  13. Trying to put myself back together

    Oh my goodness, you are so young but have had to face so many struggles, it sounds like your grandmother was a wonderful, supportive woman and you were so fortunate to have her. It also sounds like she gave you a good base, teaching you of God and his love for you, showing you good life for those years you were with her, you are so lucky to have had that, so many people never have that chance. I am a grandmother who loves her grandchildren more than life itself. So, as a grandmother I tell you go out and live this life the best way possible, let God lead you in the right way, smile often, laugh even more, live each day as if it were the last and make your grandma proud of the woman you are.
  14. What do you eat?

    Oh backyarder, I agree totally with the fact that we really do die when our husbands' died. Never thought of it like that, but it is so, so true. The woman that I was died with my husband. That is something that no one could understand that has not lost their spouse, my whole life I had with Ron died on feb 8, 2013, along with dealing with the horrible grief, I've had to find my way in a whole new world, for many, many months I tried to hang on to my old life, that just made it harder so very slowly I am building a new life for myself and trying to learn who I am and where this life will lead me.
  15. is this really happening?

    I am so sorry for your loss. You have definitely come to the right place. Sound like you have been thru some very traumatic times. No matter the circumstances loss is very hard, everyone here definitely knows that. The guilt you feel is normal, but he made the choice to take the drugs, you did not. I still feel guilty over my husband's death and has been 1 1/2 years, and his death was from acute illness, not his choice. I feel guilty over every single thing I did thru our 22 year marriage. Posting here, getting my pain into words really helped me, also just reading other's posts, I knew I was not alone, I found people who could really, REALLY understand what I am going thru.
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