sincerelysherry

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Everything posted by sincerelysherry

  1. I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Being the one left behind from a loved one's suicide is a nightmare. The loss from an accident or illness they didn't choose to leave you. A suicide they choose to leave us and we feel abandoned and tremendous guilt. Why didn't I see the signs? Was it something I said or didn't say? First of all, you have a perfect right to work on you and your life. Sounds like you were being responsible. We should get to know ourselves before we bring a boyfriend or husband into our lives. Second, you are not responsible for his actions. Millions of people break up or argue each day and they don't choose suicide. There was a weakness or inability within himself to cope with issues, hardships or sadness. Whether he was born with depression, had alcohol, drug related or medication issues, it was still his decision. Your life has been turned upside down and changed forever. Please don't let his actions prevent you from living your life to the fullest, find your own self and one day find love again. His family is just hurting now and will for years, but one day they will realize it was not your choice but his. It will take a long, long time to begin to heal. Be good and kind to youself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and talk, cry and pray until you are exhausted and are done talking about it. Join a group, volunteer, get out of the house and keep busy. You now have great empathy for those that share your same pain and tragedy. May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry.
  2. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. There are no words that will help your pain or help you get through this nightmare. This is still so recent it is going to take a long, long time to begin to heal. You will go through so many emotions. You will feel tremendous guilt. Why didn't I see the signs, was it something that I said or didn't say, didn't I let them know that I loved them enough, why did they abandon me? So many unanswered questions. Know that it wasn't your fault. The person that chooses this solution has a coping problem within themselves. Whether they were born with depression, have a alcohol, drug or medicine related issue, they still have a problem with coping. Your life has been turned upside down with this nightmare and your life will never be the same. Unless one experiences this type of death they won't understand. If a person dies from an accident or illness they didn't chose to leave you but a suicide they chose to leave you. Your whole perspective in life changes. It will be hard for you to focus and your mind wanders. I cried violently everyday for a solid year and often for 3 years. After the 4th year I still see the image fused in my brain finding my Mom from a self inflicted gun shot death, but I don't cry as often. Be good to yourself. Talk about it over and over to anyone that will listen. You have to get it out. See a counselor, work, volunteer, join a group that would understand. Get out of the house and most of all cry, pray, pray and pray until you are exhausted. Like I said your life has changed and you will have to find a new norm. Just think how strong you have had to be so far. We are stronger than we think we are. You will now be more compassionate to others that experience this tragedy. You will cherish life differently or become angry and bitter. Chose to cherish it. Continue to honor your son by living life to the fullest because he did not have the strength to. He was in such deep pain that God took him home to heal him and keep him safe and sound. Corey complete is journey here on earth and has now gone on to the next phase of his life. He will always be with you, beside you, watching over you. You will be together again one day. But now, you must be strong and continue your journey and learn from this hardship. May God wrap his arms around you, give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry.
  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel it is too soon. My Mom did the same thing with my Dad's things. Be sure and take what you want home. I wish I still had some of those things. God bless and comfort you.
  4. Dear Brittney, I am so sorry for your loss. Going through the death of a loved one due to a suicide is an absolute nightmare. It has only been 10 weeks so it is still so fresh. My Mother committed suicide 4 years ago and my daughter and I found her. She had shot herself and it is an image ingrained in our brains forever. I cried uncontrollably everyday for a solid year. It took about three years before I stopped crying as often. Your life changes forever and will never be the same. You feel tremendous guilt, your wonder why didn't I see the signs, was it something I said, did or didn't do. There are a million questions that can never be answered. When a loved one dies from illness or accident, they did not chose to leave you, but a suicide, they chose to leave you. So in a way you feel abandoned. Why didn't they love me enough to stay with us? To be there for us and our lives? You feel like you didn't really know the person you thought you knew. My Mom was always telling me to be positive, have faith, trust God, so I never in a million years thought she would do that. So it makes you sometime question what you were taught. Your husband will never be the same. His views on life have changed, his priorities have changed. You realize life is so short and you are not as tolerant for the petty things one has to deal with especially at work. Give your husband time. His nerves have been shattered into a million pieces and it is going to take a long time to begin to heal. He needs to rest, be good to himself, sleep, exercise, get out of the house, counseling, join a group, volunteer, help others going through the same thing, pray, pray and pray. Talk about his experience and feelings to anyone and everyone until he is tried of talking about it. Get it out of his system. He will have great difficulty focusing on anything for a good while and his mind will wander to his happy place often. Help him to realize it wasn't his fault. Like I said, we feel tremendous guilt. Everyone goes through problems in life. There are those that can cope, and those that can't cope. Those that can't make that choice. Whether they have, depression, a chemical imbalance, medication related or drug or alcohol related, the inability to cope is something within themselves and no one else's fault. His Father's journey in life was completed or perhaps he was in so much pain within that God took him home to be safe and at peace. Your husband will find he is so much stronger than he ever imagined. Just pray for him, have patience with him and reassure him that you will not abandon him as well. May God wrap his loving arms around you, your husband and your family and give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry.
  5. Dear Confused Father, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. As Modkonnie said, it is not your fault and has nothing to do with you. There was an inability within her to cope with life. Being left behind from a suicide is a nightmare. A death from an accident or illness is one where they did not choose to leave loved ones behind but a suicide, they chose to leave us. We feel tons of guilt and feel like what did I do or didn't do or say? We have a million questions that will never be answered. It sounds to me you have been a loving and responsible Father and are doing your best. I am not sure a 5 year old truly understands the gravity of suicide but I would let her take her time to open up with her questions. Even though she was probably sad and disappointed in her Mom's behavior, she will always love her Mom. Keep a picture of her and tell her the happy times you all have had as a family. She is going to feel, why did Mommy leave me? Did I do something wrong, didn't she love me enough, etc... She may always feel inadequate but just reassure her what a wonderful child she is and that adults have problems and don't always make the right decisions but that Mommy loved her very much, she just had problems. That's why it is important to talk to our family about our problems. She can always come talk to you about anything. Consistency is so important. Just let her know you love her and you will always be there for her and give her stability. She will ask questions when she is ready. May God bless you and your daughter. May he wrap his arms around you both and give you comfort and strength. Sincerely, Sherry
  6. Dear Carmen, I am so sorry that you are feeling depressed. I can understand because I have always suffered from it. Please realize that there is help out there. Talk to a counselor at school, or a minister at church. There are support groups out there or call the suicide hotline and they will help you. Life has it's ups and downs, it's good and bad. It's not the problems we encounter, it's how we handle them. God created you, unique in your own way for a special, specific purpose in life. We don't always know why but there is a reason. Your journey has just begun. Troubles don't last long. Everyday is a new day. Think about your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren in your future. Had I caved to my depression, I would have never known my beautiful children and grandchildren. My Mother committed suicide 4 years ago and it turned our lives upside down. We felt guilty, abandonment, the deepest unimaginable pain and despair. I don't think she had any idea what it would do to our family. We will never be the same. Regardless of how old one gets or how sad you are or how much pain we feel, we will always be needed by someone and they would be lost without us. Like I said life is hard but that's how we learn the lessons God wants us to learn is mostly through painful experiences. Diamonds are created through pressure, cutting and shaping, beautiful swords are created by hot fire, hammering and shaping. Such as our characters and wisdom. When you get sad and down, get out of the house, join a group, volunteer at an animal shelter or a nursing home, those that need you, exercise, call someone, get a pet, pray, pray and pray some more. Darkness is sometime scary, but the sun will always come out tomorrow. You can make your life anyway you want. It's your choice, your decisions. Please hold on. You are special, so treat yourself that way. No one can love you more than you can love yourself. Others may abandon you but you can always depend on yourself. God loves you and I love you. May he wrap his loving arms around you and give you comfort, peace, strength and courage. Happiness is just around the corner. Sincerely, Sherry
  7. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Father in Law and for the impact it has made on your family. My Mother committed suicide 4 years ago and we were so close and my best friend. It has taken this long to get to a new norm. It does change your entire world. One feels guilty for not being able to help them, feeling like it might have been something we said or did. You also feel abandoned and maybe we weren't good enough for them to have given up and just left us. A death from an accident or illness, the person didn't choose to leave you, but a suicide, they chose to leave you. You feel betrayed in a way. Why didn't they love me enough to stay? You also question everything you were taught by them. Have faith, remain positive, God will get you through the tough times, then they go and do that. Your views of life changes. You realize life is short and fragile. You have no tolerance for petty, bull crap in life because you know what's important in life. It takes a very, very long time to heal, if we ever do. We have a million questions that will never be answered. She feels guilty but it's not her fault. It was a weakness within the person that chose that action. Your wife is probably shielding her heart and emotions. Since she loved and trusted her Father with all her heart and left her with this nightmare, she may have doubts about you or anyone and she doesn't want to experience that pain again if you should die or abandon her. Your wife will never be the same. You will need to show great patience and you will need to find a new norm with her. But don't push her. Sounds like she is still grieving and trying to find an outlet or diversion for her pain. She should keep busy though. She needs to get out of the house. Staying home and dwelling is the worst thing for her. Give her more time and she will appreciate your patience. My heart goes out to you both. Your world had been turned upside down and will never be the same. Pray alot, let her talk about it until she is tired of talking about it. It may take several years. May God wrap his arms around you both and give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry
  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. While it was my Mom that committed suicide, I cannot imagine the loss of a child. So I can only share my experience of finding my Mom after she had shot herself. I cried everyday until I could barely breathe for a solid year. And it has taken a good 4 years to create a new norm. Being a survivor of this tragedy you will feel tremendous guilt, you will have a million unanswered questions, and it will change your views on life and you will never be the same. Know this, you are not responsible for his decision. Everyone has difficulties in life and one has a choice how to respond. Those that take their lives just want to end the pain inside. Whether they were born with depression, have an addiction, or whatever the reason, they have an inability to cope and it isn't your fault. They couldn't have imagined what it would do to those left behind which is a nightmare. He did not have the strength to carry on but you do. Your son would want you to move on and live life to the fullest. God created you for a purpose and you have not yet reached your destiny. Your son reached his and I know you are left with this broken heart. But look how strong you have been. Look how compassionate you are now. Look how many lives you can touch with your experience. Your son is now safe and at peace and gone on to the next phase of his life. You one day will complete yours here and go on to your next phase and you will be reunited again. Time here on earth seems endless at times, but really, it is the blink of an eye. Please go on and complete your journey, your purpose. He would want that. It's okay to take your time grieving, talk about it to anyone that will listen, join a support group, volunteer, carry on an interest he may have had, get a hobby, join a gym. Get out of the house. Don't forget you and your interests before children. You will never forget him so carry on to celebrate his life. You are already an inspiration to those around you for your strength and courage. My heart breaks for you. Pray alot and talk alot about it. It will help. May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry
  9. I am so sorry for your loss. Your trauma is still so new that it will take a long, long time to begin to repair. Unless a person goes through what we have experienced they will never know the other issues we have gone through besides grief. It is an utter nightmare. We experience guilt, have a hundred questions that will never be answered, are unable to stop crying and the inability to focus. Know that you are not responsible for their decision. They have a flaw within themselves that leads to that choice. I cried violently everyday for a solid year, and it has been a little over 3 years and I still cry, and see that image in my mind everyday. But it is getting better. Cry, pray, talk about it, seek counseling, get out of the house, stay busy, reach out to others with same issues. It takes time, lots of time. Be good to yourself and don't hesitate to seek help. Please feel free to write anytime if you need us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sincerely, Sherry. .
  10. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. No one knows how painful surviving a loved ones suicide is until they experience it themselves. It is an absolute nightmare. You are never the same and never will be. You are right, the guilt we feel is tremendous. But please know that it was not your fault. It is a fault within themselves. Please know that it will take a very long time to begin to heal. Be kind and patient with yourself. Your nerves and emotions have been shattered into a million pieces. It's okay to be good to yourself. Cry alot, pray alot, talk alot about it and get it off your chest, keep busy, and think positive. Know that he completed his mission here on earth and has now gone home so that God can love him and keep him safe now. Your mission is not yet complete. Think how strong you have been, think how compassionate you are to others in pain now. Your loved one would want you to go on with life and enjoy it to the fullest and celebrate their lives by helping others. I pray that God will bless you, give you comfort, peace and strength. Know that you are not alone. Please feel free to contact me anytime. Sherry.
  11. Dear Alison, I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. My heart hurts for you. It is definitely a situation I never dreamed I would be in or any of us imagined. I hope you have had the opportunity to read some of my replies to other survivors. It certainly is a feeling that no one could possibly imagine unless they have experienced it. Death through illness or accident is always tragic and the loved ones mourn and grieve, but it is a death that they did not chose and they did not chose to leave their loved ones behind. Suicide leaves the loved ones behind with so many unanswered questions and a tremendous amount of guilt. Why did they chose to leave me? What did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I not tell them I loved them enough? Was I not there enough for them? What were they thinking? Even when they do leave notes, there are still so many unanswered questions. My daughter and I found my Mother in her home after she had shot herself. It was a nightmare and an image that never goes away. Even though she left notes to everyone and even the clothes she wanted to be buried in, it was something I never imaged my Mom would do. I cried until I couldn't breath everyday for a solid year. I would totally be exhausted after crying. It has been three years now, but I still think of it everyday and still cry often. My daughter had a breakdown (they shared the same birthday) and she is just now starting to smile and laugh again. Everyone grieves and heals at different rates, so don't feel it is unusual for you to still be grieving. You probably always will. We have been traumatized and we will never be the same. We will never look at life the same or people the same. We never know what people are thinking or if we will see them again the next day. I found the things that helped me tremendously was prayer, crying, working, keeping busy, getting out of the house, exercise, reaching out and helping others, whether helping with animals or older people or people experiencing the same issue, and of course, talking about it. I probably drove my co-workers and friends crazy talking about it. But they were wonderful and let me talk and cry. Even though most people never experience this type of tragedy, I found I was not alone. Like this website, we are not alone. Realize that this was not your fault. Those that chose this ending, have trouble coping. Whether they were born with a chemical imbalance, depression, drug or alcohol induced, medicine reactions, whatever the issue, they could not cope and take the pain anymore. There are millions of people that can deal with depression, stress, problems and they never take their lives. But, our loved ones had such a deep pain that they were tired of dealing with it. I prayed every night that God would watch over and protect my Mom and at first I was angry because i felt God did not answer my prayers and watch over her. But, I finally realized that if she was dealing with a pain we did not see or realize, then maybe God answered her prayers to be pain free instead of mine. Maybe by taking her home with him to be pain free was a prayer answered. I know she is pain free and safe with him. As I said, we will never be the same. I had trouble for a long time on focusing. My mind wandered and I honestly just wanted to withdraw into my own brain and not deal with anything. That's okay. Your nerves have been shattered into a million pieces and it takes time to heal. We will never be able to put the pieces back together and we have to find a new norm, new dreams, new beginnings. We will mourn for the past and the way things were but that is the thing about life. It is constantly changing and we have to adapt to those changes even when we don't want to. I saw a program once on people that have lived to be over 100 years old and the interviewer was asking what was their secret. It wasn't what they ate, or if they exercised or not. The common link was the ability to survive loss, to pick themselves up and go on and to keep active. So, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get on with our lives and our journey. Our loved ones had completed their journey's and mission in life, so we must too complete ours. Also, I don't think our loved ones had a clue what this would do to us. They just wanted to end the pain. So, be good to yourself. It's okay to go to your happy place often, It's okay to take time to heal. Go on honoring their memory by living life to the fullest. He would want you to be good to yourself, to enjoy life, to fall in love again, to have a family and to grow to be an old lady with good memories as well. I know you miss him and you will always grieve for him. But it's okay to go on. Know that while they are not here physically, they have gone on to their next journey in their lives and they will still be watching over us. We will see them again one day. Look how strong you have been. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be. Diamonds become beautiful by being cut and polished, beautiful metal works endure fire and hammering. So you too develop a strong, beautiful character by pain and heartache. I have found the lessons we remember is always through pain. Wisdom is healed pain. Alison, I pray that you will find peace. It may take a long time, but you will. This is one chapter in the story of your life. You have already started your journey with much more compassion than most people will ever achieve. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to contact me anytime. God bless you sweetheart. Sincerely, Sherry
  12. Good Morning Raul15. I am just now checking in. My family has been going through a difficult situation on top of everything else. My son and daughter in law had a baby via c-section two weeks ago and my daughter in law almost died. An artery was nicked and she was bleeding out. She had to also have an emergency hysterectomy and go back for the repair of the artery. Poor thing. She went through a lot. But she is on the road to recovery. The baby is doing fine and just beautiful. So, once again, life throws us many challenges. But, we are survivors and we can prevail. Other than that, I have been pretty well on the recovery of the loss of my Mom. Yesterday, however, I got really sad and just felt off. I am sure that is normal this time of year. I remembered all our family traditions and could visualize Mom in the kitchen cooking. She loved to cook for everyone. Many of our favorites dishes just can't be duplicated because she had her special touch. But, I am sure she is watching over us. How are you doing? I pray that you are healing. We will never be the same and there will always be an element of sadness within our hearts. Just know that you are not alone. I believe that our life here on earth is just a learning experience and we must learn to feel all the emotions in life in order to be compassionate to others. And how do we really learn? Through pain. We remember the pain and we always turn to God when we are hurting. He wants us to turn to him and lean on his strength. We have been through one of those learning experiences in our journey through our lives. And even when our journey here on earth is complete, we will go on to the next phase or journey in our lives. Just remember that your Mom, as well as mine, didn't understand what their deaths would do to us. They would want us to continue on with life and be as happy and at peace as we possibly can. Her sweet spirit is still with you and you will see her again one day. Until then, I will continue to pray for your healing. I wish you and your family a blest Christmas and promising New Year. My sincerest wishes, Sherry
  13. Dear Raul15, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I can understand your pain because my Mother took her life by shooting herself, three years ago, and my daughter and I found her. She even left notes and the clothes out she wanted to be buried in. To this day, I can still see that image and it is something you never get over. You are right. Most people do not understand our feelings. You feel guilt, you feel like they abandoned you, you feel like everything you ever learned from them is questionable, you feel like why would God allow this, you feel like every nerve ending in your body shattered into a million pieces and you can't put them back together. Our lives have changed forever and we have to almost create it all over again. My daughter had a nervous breakdown and still having problems, and my son is having the same exact problem you are with his wife. When a person dies of natural causes, an illness or an accident, they did not choose to leave their loved ones. A suicide (whether from a chemical embalance, depression, medicine, drug or alcohol issues) they made the choice to leave their loved ones behind. Their ability to cope with life and it's problems was just not strong enough to hold on. My views on life has changed. My mind tends to wander and it is hard to focus anymore and it seems no one understands. Only those that have experienced this would understand. I just pray alot and still talk to those friends that have been supportive. I don't think we will ever get over it or be the same. All we can do is hold on and go on for our loved ones and be strong. I pray that God will hold you close, heal your broken heart and spirit, and give you comfort and peace. Please feel free to write anytime and know that you are not alone.
  14. Dear Nat31, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I am so very sorry that you are in this tragedy and your life has been altered forever. It will be three years ago December 1st that my dear, sweet, loving little Mother committed suicide by shooting herself. She left notes and even the clothes she wanted to be buried in. Never in a million years did we think she would do something like this. My daughter and I found her and it is an image that is forever engrained in our minds. It was a nightmare and has altered our lives in so many ways. I cried violently everyday for a solid year and still cry often. It is life shattering and yes, you are right, the guilt is overwhelming. Why didn't we see any signs, why didn't we know she was that depressed, did I say something wrong, did I not let her know how much I loved and needed her, why, why, why. What could I have done differently. First, please know that it was not your fault. It sounds as if you tried your best and you were trying to save a family. I believe that there are many reasons a person takes their life. Whether it is a born chemical embalance, drugs, alcohol, medicine causing suicidal ideations, whatever the reason, they are unable to cope with what they are going through. Millions of people have hardships, tragedies and problems everyday, but they don't kill themselves because they cope. Our loved ones couldn't cope and were tired of running the race. I honestly don't think they even had a clue what this would do to those left behind. While your Dad lost the will to go on and wanted the relief from his depression, and this was his last act of being in control of his own destiny, it was NOT your fault. The pain of this tragedy will be immense for a long time.Your nerves have been shattered into a million pieces. You will doubt everthing who were ever taught in life, your views on life will change, you will have trouble focusing, you may even take up an addiction such as drinking, smoking, spending money, any type of distraction to ease the pain. The things I found that helped was praying alot, working hard, keeping busy, exercising, being good to yourself, and talking about it over and over until I was exhausted talking about it. My dear friends and co-workers were a God send and I am sure they got sick of me talking it through over and over, but it did help. Like I said, it has been almost three years and it took a good two years to come to grips with it. My daughter (who shared the same birthday as my Mother) still has not come to grips with it and her life has been a total mess since this happened. Who knows how long it takes to heal. Maybe never, but as time goes on, it will eventually begin to get better. You just have to find a new norm in life. Never in a million years did we ever think we would have to experience this but we are. I never thought I could be such a strong person, but having been vaulted into this situation, I find that I am a very strong person and you will be too. It was your Dad's decision to take this action, not yours. Never ever feel responsible. I would pray nightly that God would watch over and protect my Mom, but at first, I felt he let me down and didn't protect her. But then I realized that maybe she was so unhappy and so sad, that he answered her prayers instead of mine, to take her home with him and protect her there. I also realize that God and my faith are the things that have gotten me through this nightmare. I pray that God will wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart and give you comfort, peace and strength for your long, hard journey. Please feel free to contact me anytime you need to talk. Things will get better at a very slow pace, but it will get better. Please hold on and have faith. Sincerely, Sherry
  15. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Your life has been changed forever and now you are still struggling with finding your new norm. I know I cried uncontrollably everyday for a solid year and I still cry often and I will never get the image out of my head. Survivors of suicide have a whole other set of things to go through other than grief. We feel tremendous guilt and have a million questions that will never be answered. First of all, let me say that it wasn't your fault. Those that take their lives, whether because of depression, chemical imbalance, medication, drugs, alcohol, whatever the reason, are unable to cope with life's hardships. Most people do have the coping ability and deal with issues and go on. They do not, therefore, that is not your fault. You will go through so many stages of dealing with this and with the healing process. Second, talk about it. Whether here online, in a support group, prayer or with friends, talk about it over and over until you are tired of talking about it. Get it out. Also, stay busy. I am sure you will stay busy with your children but also be good to yourself. Your mind, body and emotions have been shattered into a thousand pieces and it will take time to heal. So be good to yourself. It's okay if you cannot focus, it's okay if you need to go to your happy place often, it's okay to reach out for help. It is true that time does help. You will never be the same and your life will never be the same but you do come out stronger. Don't let their inability to cope make you give up as well. Think how strong you have had to be the past few months, stronger than you ever thought. But with prayer, God's help and a good support group or friends to talk to, you can do it. Once again, I am so sorry and I do understand. Please feel free to contact me anytime and we can talk. May God wrap his arms around you and your family, keep you close to his heart, comfort you and give you strength. My sincerest sympathies, Sherry
  16. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I know it will be a really hard day for all those that have lost Mothers, whether self inflicted or not. I am already crying thinking about my Mom, missing her, wishing I would have known what she was thinking, wishing I could have saved her. I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. May God bless you and comfort you tomorrow and always. Sincerely, Sherry
  17. I am very sorry you are in this situation. If they are suicidal or self harming you are not dealing with a rational mind. Whether they are suffering from depression, mental issues, alcohol or drug addiction, self hate, whatever their mindset is, you more than likely will never understand. I know you are trying to help but if they are choosy to ignore you, there isn't much you can do, just pray for them. Please do not feel it is your responsibility to fix them or save them. It is within themselves. Never in a million years did I think my Mother would have committed suicide or even have a clue she was thinking about it. Our entire family felt so guilty for not knowing. All you can do is pray, let them know you care and ask them to get help. My prayers are with you and your loved one.
  18. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Mother. I just read your post and am crying at this moment. There are no words in the whole world that will make you feel better. All I can say is that my heart hurts for what you are going through. My Mother had never attempted suicide before but my Mother shot herself a year ago December 1st. I had spent the day with her shopping, having a good time, ate lunch, watched football, took a short nap on her couch and when I was about to leave to go home, she said "I wish you would stay." Her last words to me. Later, that evening, she called my daughter and told her she loved her, loved me and she wanted her and my son, to take good care of me, I love you, then hung up. My daughter was at my house so she told me about the odd phone call so we immediately drove to my Mom's house about five blocks away and by the time we drove there and got into her house, she had already shot herself. God, why didn't we drive faster? We walked into that scene which is embedded in my brain forever. She did leave notes for us all that she was tired and she was physically declining and she would never get any better and for us not to be sad. She even laid out her clothes she wanted to be buried in. In her note was a newspaper clipping from Billy Graham about what does the bible say about suicide? Never in a million years did I think she would ever do that and had no idea she was that worn out and depressed. To make a long story short, I know the roller coaster of emotions you are going through. First you feel shock, sick to your stomach, can't eat, can't sleep, questions, why, why, why, going through her things, trying to find clues. You feel tremendous guilt for not seeing, feeling like we failed them in someway. Didn't I make her feel loved enough, didn't I show her I loved her enough, why didn't I stay longer that night? On and on. You wear yourself completely out. Then, you don't know how to tell people. Some people take it well and are supportive "for a while", others avoid you. I don't know if they are thinking, well you must have done something wrong to make her sad, or if they just don't know what to say. One thing for sure, your life will never be the same. I never imagined, ever, having this particular trauma to go through. My Father passed away three years ago from health issues and it was natural, and I cried and it was sad, but it was the natural circle of life and he did not chose to leave us. Mother, on the other hand, chose to leave us, not hang in there with us. Didn't she know that she was loved, didn't she know that she was our shoulder to cry on, our arms to run to, our teacher, our stability to this crazy life? You wonder, was everything I learned in life and everything she told me and taught me a lie? I cried violently for a solid year. You go through sadness, guilt, anger, sadness, numbness, over and over. Every little thing makes you think of them. It is absolutely horrible. I know that when a person gets sick or has a disease and die, it is horrible, especially a child and you are never the same. But they did not chose to leave you. Suicide, on the other hand, they chose to leave us, to give up. Two years later, I am finally getting to the point I don't cry everyday. I am finally getting to the point where I tell myself, I was the best daughter I could possibly be to my Mother and there must have been something terribly wrong with her mind or a pain that I cannot fathom, that caused her to do this. Surely, she must not have even imagined what it would do to the family. My daughter shared the same birthday with my Mother, which was day before yesterday. Every year they celebrated together. Now, not only does my daughter have to live with the memory of her grandmother shot, bleeding and dead, she will remember that on their birthday they won't share anymore. But, I say to myself, if that was Mother's choice, I pray that she is at peace now and with my Dad. I know the death of a baby or child must be devastating, but I don't think most people understand what survivors of suicide go through. It is very, very different and the recovery is very different. I felt the two things, other than crying, that helped me the most was praying and talking about it. I went to a few counseling sessions, and fortunately, the ladies I work with were very supportive and I am sure they got sick of hearing me talk about it. Don't take it inside and not deal with it. My daughter took it inside and she has had a much more difficult recovery. Keep yourself busy, don't sit and dwell on it. Work, volunteer, join a group, rescue pets, reach out. It is true, idle hands are the devil's workshop, so keep busy. It is still very fresh for us. It is hard for you to focus, hard to concentrate, certain things in life will seem so unimportant to you now, you realize how fragile life and people are, you realize how short life can be, you feel like something is wrong in the universe, you become super sensitive to people's feelings and cry at the drop of a hat. It is okay to take your time in the healing process. It is okay to be kind and good to yourself. But, after a year or so of mourning, you realize life does go on, your mind and body can't take the burden much longer and you realize that your loved one would want you to go on with life and enjoy it to the fullest because apparently they did not get to and they would want us to live on and find happiness. I know that I have gotten very discouraged in life. I have gone through so much heartache and troubles and there were times when I wondered if I was going to make it or even wanted to, but after going through this, I never in a million years would I put my family through something like this. I have truly learned that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, I have learned the only consistent and dependable thing in life is change, I have learned that life can be harsh and cruel but you just have to create your own positive, good world. Positive in, positive out, negative in, negative out. I know I have rambled on, but I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Know that you did nothing wrong, it isn't your fault. It is within their minds that they chose this ending. Whether they were born with depression, a chemical imbalance, or a mental illness, it was in their control not ours and we cannot punish ourselves for their actions. I know nothing I have said to you will help your heart but as time goes on, you will learn to cope with it better each day. We are survivors. We will never be the same, feel the same or look at things the same, but we are stronger than we ever thought we were. Just remember you were created to be an individual separate from your family and friends. You were created for a purpose, a plan, a mission, a journey. Your loved one apparently had completed their mission in life and you will continue on your journey to reach your goal. Keep your eyes on the goal, focus. Don't let the evil forces in life derail you from your purpose. When you are a good person, those forces with throw, full force, everything possible to bring you completely down. I have had people say why would God do this? I asked God to protect my Mother and watch over her, but he didn't, he took her. But, as time has gone by, maybe he answered my Mother's prayers instead of mine. Maybe she was just so tired of fighting a battle that we could not see or imagine. Maybe he took her home with him to keep her with him, happy and safe. I have faith in you and my thoughts and prayers will be with you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to. May God wrap his arms around you, comfort you, give you peace and rest and give you strength and courage. I am here if you need a friend. Sincerely, Sherry
  19. Oh Michelle I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband and the tramatic experience you are going through. I found my Mother after she shot herself in the kitchen with a puddle of blood around her and it was still growing. Yes, it is a nightmare image your mind and body can barely comprehind. I know the wide range of emotions and the roller coaster you have been on. It has been two years this December for me and I still think of it everyday and still cry several times a week. Never in a million years did I think my Mother would have done this. She did leave us notes but we still did not know of her depression or her even thinking about this. And there are still so many unanswered questions. You are right, this is a totally different realm. It is sad when a person dies of an illness or accident, but when there is a suicide, especially violently, it creates so many different emotions to deal with and the healing process is so different. Ilness or accident, they did not chose to leave us, suicide, they did chose to leave us and we do feel rejected. Who knows what our loved ones were going through in their minds? Some are just born with elements of sadness and depression, some have addictions, some have chemical imbalances, some have medicinal reactions and some just do not have the coping mechanism to deal with life's problems and their nerves just cannot take anymore. Whatever the reason, never feel like it was your fault or anyone's fault. It was something within themselves. I firmly believe that we are sent here for a purpose and we have a journey that we must go through. Some people's journey is more tragic and ends differently, but I believe it is for a reason. He apparently had completed his journey and your journey is to continue and learn from him and what he left behind. Think of how much stronger you are because of this, think of how much more you value life because of this, think of how much more compassionate you are because of this. Did you ever think you could be this strong and a survivor? Think of what an inspiration your probably are to others over this. We never know when we start out in life the challenges that will come our way. Life usually does not turn out the way we dream of. But I have been through so much, that I have learned that no matter what life (or the Devil) throws at me, I can endure with God's help. I pray that God will watch over you, protect you, give you comfort, strength, and courage. I pray that your life will be blessed with happiness and that good fortune comes your way, that you will learn to love again, hope and dream again. I know your husband would want you to have a happy life and not dwell on the sadness. He would not want you to be sad like apparently he was. I know you feel like he left you and rejected you but he was rejecting himself, not you. So, in honor of his memory, create a beautiful life for yourself and try to find happiness. You will see him again one day and I am sure he is watching over you.
  20. Jessicak, I am so sorry my previous did not go through correctly. I tired several times to retype it and it would not save. Just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. My Mother also shot herself and my daughter and I found her. Even though she did leave us notes, there were still so many unanswered questions. We felt so much guilt because we did not see the depression or pain she was going through. The grieving process and healing process is so much different than losing a loved one to an illness or accident. They chose to leave us and gave up therefore we feel horrible. It is a horrible sight that will never leave my mind and our lives have been changed forever. Who knows what goes through their minds? Whether they are born with depression, have mental issues, have addictions or chemical imbalances, we will never know. I guess they felt that just could not endure anymore. But never feel like it was your fault or anyone's fault, it was a weakness within themselves. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this tragedy on top of losing your Father. I found that the things that helped me most was crying, praying, talking about it every chance I got, keeping busy, taking things slow, be good to yourself, go to counseling, reach out to others, volunteer, rescue pets or something in honor of your Father's memory. It will be two years in December when I lost my Mom and there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it or cry. But, it does get somewhat better as time goes by. I believe the thing he would most want you to do is be good to yourself and live life to the fullest. They apparently did not enjoy life so he would want you to be happy. I am sure he is watching over you and very proud of you and your strength. Just think how strong you have had to be and how compassionate you probably are to others now, especially those going through similar situations. I pray that God will be with you, comfort you, give you peace and strength. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me. Sherry
  21. Jessicak, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Father and for the
  22. I am truly so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. My Mother committed suicide by shooting herself and I found her. It too, is an image engrained in my brain forever. Never in a million years would I have thought she would have done that. She did leave notes for us. Whether they are born with a chemical imbalance, drug or alcohol addictions, or have tremendous pain, they just want the pain, whether physical or emotional, just to end. It hurts so badly, they are only thinking of ending the pain and feel that we all would be better off without them, or we would be strong and could go on. I don't think they have any idea what it will leave behind. They do not understand the devastation it will leave behind. I was so very, very close to my Mother, and I felt so guilty, so worthless, for not seeing what she was going through. I didn't have a clue and I felt like I failed her by not protecting her. I cried violently every day for a solid year. I found crying a lot, praying a lot, talking to anyone and everyone about it a lot, working hard, keeping busy, reaching out to others, being kind to myself, helped a lot. And it is true, time does help. Our lives have been changed forever and we will never be the same. All we can do is go forward and try to be happy because apparently they weren't. They would want us to find the happiness in life they no longer had. Just think how strong you have had to be, think how much more compassionate you are now. Their mission here on earth was complete and we must continue our journey until it is our time. May God wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart, and give you comfort, peace and strength. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be happy again. Who knows how long it takes to heal? Months, years, maybe never, but we have to try. Think of those who can benefit from your experience and compassion. Sincerely, Sherry
  23. My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I found my Mother on 12/1/12 in her kitchen. She committed suicide by shooting herself and it is an image that is embedded in my brain forever. She did leave notes for us and even left the clothes she wanted to be buried in on the bed. It is a nightmare that no one should ever have to go through. Shock, devastation, guilt, anger and a hundred other feelings. I felt so guilty because I didn't see. I didn't see the pain and depression she was apparently in. The guilt is more than one can bear. I cried violently every single day for a solid year. You replay it over and over. My Dad had died the year before of natural causes, and it was hard and I was sad and mourned for him, but it was very different than Mother's passing. His was natural, that was not natural. They gave up, they left us. I found that talking a lot about it, praying a lot, keeping busy, reaching out to others that experienced similar situations, help tremendously. Our lives have changed forever and we will never be the same. We will never look at life the same. Something within us died and there are no words, nothing that can ever fix it. But, I do feel that our loved ones would want us to go forward and enjoy life, to try to be happy, because apparently they weren't. We should honor their lives by be strong and courageous. It is so hard, but we must go forward. Long before you or I or even our parents were born, you were created for a mission, a purpose. We each were. Our parents apparently must have completed their mission in life and it was time for them to go back home. We have not yet completed ours and we must continue that journey until our time. My heart hurts so deeply for the pain you have within your heart, within your soul. I wish so much that I could reach out to everyone that has experienced this tragedy and give them a hug and tell them everything will be okay. Just know that you are not alone in our pain and as time goes by, things do get better. Who knows how long it will take to heal, months, years, maybe never. I don't know. It is a day by day struggle, but time does help. The best thing you can do for your Father is to live life to the fullest. He would want that for you. May God wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart and give you peace, comfort, and strength. Give yourself permission to be happy again. Please feel free to talk if you need to. Sincerely, Sherry