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Mermaid Tears

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About Mermaid Tears

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Brenham, Texas
  • Interests
    Artist
  • Loss Type
    lost adult son
  • Angel Date
    August 3, 2012

Converted

  • Occupation
    Self Employed
  • Last Name
    Stavinoha
  • First Name
    Susan
  • Zip
    77833

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8,630 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    The 'experts' say....try not to make any big changes in the first and second year after experiencing a huge loss..trauma...catastrophe. I never knew the judgement of that until I lost John David. I experienced a 'foggy mind/ foggy thinking/ and a lot of second guessing.....which was so different from my usual way of decision making. I have always been very definite in my decision making. I did experience a lot of fantasy thinking of 'running away from it all'...which is normal for one wanting to out run...get away...flee...from all the sadness and dark grief. Niques Mom....we are not telling you not to follow what you want to do....get another job and move....we are simply here to give you a pause....as Dee suggested....think this through...get all your ducks in a row....so you will not be facing this kind of grief and having to acclimate yourself and son to many new experiences and places. It was hard for me to grieve and be in my own home. I so understand how you would love to see your girl...walk through the door....a wish that I wished 1,000's of times....
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you, Rebekahs Mom.....Veto is my first GREAT grandson... I am going to post a message to all the new parents soon....have been in recovery from surgery....my heart breaks for you....
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Yes Kate...our temps are mild....we are getting lots of rain...we used our fireplace more this year than we have since we moved here in 2004....I call it John David weather because he loved the winter....but if I had to be housebound...couldn't ask for better weather. I so hope you see your first robin.... Leah....thinking of you and 'your girl'....how many surgeries did you have ? One is enough. Please get rest and more rest....I, too, am in recovery from surgery...and my mind wants to do many things....but...I know if I do what I am supposed to do...rest and rest....then I will have a 100% recovery. The Dr/surgeon can only do so much...it is up to the patient to do what they should do. Recovery is still going very slow....but I feel a little better with each passing day...'the insides' are still healing...it is a day by day healing process. Our 'new little man' Veto....is quite the 'chunker'...he is so much like our Hunter Bear when he was little...now I cannot pick him up due to surgery....am wondering how I will be able to when well....he has started walking....so every room is his playground. In the 3rd photo....he is 'fixing' his hair...
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Your pain is personal because your loss was huge. And because you lost so much it angered you. Nothing but nothing can replace what has been taken from you. Your different now, you look at things different, you look at life different. But you recognize that life must go on. And you understand that you must make the most of the rest of your life. So you embrace life, you embrace those left in your life. And you carry on, still sad, still confused. And time is all you have that allows you to heal. Love what's left of your time, love who's left in your life. Because today is not a promise, yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is a new day.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kelly Guthrie Raley February 15 at 7:25am · Eustis, FL · Okay, I’ll be the bad guy and say what no one else is brave enough to say, but wants to say. I’ll take all the criticism and attacks from everyone because you know what? I’m a TEACHER. I live this life daily. And I wouldn’t do anything else! But I also know daily I could end up in an active shooter situation. Until we, as a country, are willing to get serious and talk about mental health issues, lack of available care for the mental health issues, lack of discipline in the home, horrendous lack of parental support when the schools are trying to control horrible behavior at school (oh no! Not MY KID. What did YOU do to cause my kid to react that way?), lack of moral values, and yes, I’ll say it-violent video games that take away all sensitivity to ANY compassion for others’ lives, as well as reality TV that makes it commonplace for people to constantly scream up in each others’ faces and not value any other person but themselves, we will have a gun problem in school. Our kids don’t understand the permanency of death anymore!!! I grew up with guns. Everyone knows that. But you know what? My parents NEVER supported any bad behavior from me. I was terrified of doing something bad at school, as I would have not had a life until I corrected the problem and straightened my ass out. My parents invaded my life. They knew where I was ALL the time. They made me have a curfew. They made me wake them up when I got home. They made me respect their rules. They had full control of their house, and at any time could and would go through every inch of my bedroom, backpack, pockets, anything! Parents: it’s time to STEP UP! Be the parent that actually gives a crap! Be the annoying mom that pries and knows what your kid is doing. STOP being their friend. They have enough “friends” at school. Be their parent. Being the “cool mom” means not a damn thing when either your kid is dead or your kid kills other people because they were allowed to have their space and privacy in YOUR HOME. I’ll say it again. My home was filled with guns growing up. For God’s sake, my daddy was an 82nd Airborne Ranger who lost half his face serving our country. But you know what? I never dreamed of shooting anyone with his guns. I never dreamed of taking one! I was taught respect for human life, compassion, rules, common decency, and most of all, I was taught that until I moved out, my life and bedroom wasn’t mine...it was theirs. And they were going to know what was happening because they loved me and wanted the best for me. There. Say that I’m a horrible person. I didn’t bring up gun control, and I will refuse to debate it with anyone. This post wasn’t about gun control. This was me, loving the crap out of people and wanting the best for them. This was about my school babies and knowing that God created each one for greatness, and just wanting them to reach their futures. It’s about 20 years ago this year I started my teaching career. Violence was not this bad 20 years ago. Lack of compassion wasn’t this bad 20 years ago. And God knows 20 years ago that I wasn’t afraid daily to call a parent because I KNEW that 9 out of 10 would cuss me out, tell me to go to Hell, call the news on me, call the school board on me, or post all over FaceBook about me because I called to let them know what their child chose to do at school...because they are a NORMAL kid!!!!! Those 17 lives mattered. When are we going to take our own responsibility seriously? This was written by the Eustis Middle School Teacher of the Year....2017-2018 Dee...am sure you can find common ground with her....
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Recovery is going good...but it is very, very slow.....I have no appetite...so eating is a challenge...but I need every calorie my little body can soak up....this is normal after my surgery....my Dr. said I was doing GREAT....so I will keep moving forward with baby steps every day. This is the first time I have been able to sit in my office chair for longer than 10 minutes.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee....many are so grateful that you stay on this site....your wisdom and words give such comfort...a bridge of support...thank you...xoxoxoxo
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    hearthurt.....my husband had a complete physical before John David died...all they found was his cholesterol was a little elevated....nine months after John David died...he was in the hospital having open heart quadruple by pass surgery. We were like two bumper cars in the night...if we bumped into each other...we would bounce back..not able to touch each other's pain. Daniel was the 'go to' Daddy.....he could fix everything from a broken heart to a broken car....but....he could not fix this. He had enough anger for 5 men....you see... A Mother likes to heal things..A Daddy likes to fix things... So....please...be very kind and gentle to YOURSELF...and your wife...and family. You will find that Father Time and Mother Nature will be your best physicians. You simply have to allow yourself to bend into this deep grief. There are no magic words or pill that can take away this heavy, dark and hateful grief. I suggest something that seems very simplistic....but....try to walk every day. The exercise will help with the stress...a way to work it out....it won't wipe away the grief...but it can be a useful tool in letting the stress work it's way out of your physical body. Insomnia is a hateful side effect of grief. So many ...even me....had horrible insomnia. I started walking...bought a treadmill so I could walk when I wanted to...it helped. I would take OTC sleep aides...and they helped. The jury is out on that. You are being too hard on yourself......I think as parents we get the feeling of having Super Human Control in protecting our children....and then we find....we only have Super Human Love.....you still have that Super Human Love....give some to yourself.
  11. I don’t know where to start plus I’m finding this site a bit confusing.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Amy Y

      Amy Y

      My son had his 21st birthday on January 13th.  He died in a horrrific car accident January 16th. Thank You for answering. I wasn’t sure anyone could see the post.

    3. Mermaid Tears

      Mermaid Tears

      Oh....I just read your profile....so sorry to hear of the loss of your son....I know it is just like waking up on another planet....and this kind of grief is so heavy and dark and foreign. Please post on the site...we have many active parents on there....we don't have any answers...but we share a common bond in that we lost a child. None of us are professional counselors...just a circle of parents learning how to survive the loss of a child...we are here to hear you. We have no magic word or pill....but we do know how to walk in your shoes. Peace and prayers of care to you. You can survive this.

    4. Mermaid Tears

      Mermaid Tears

      Please post your story on Loss of Adult Child....many walk in your shoes....and share your pain. My heart breaks ...again and again....when a new parent finds this site.

  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley...thank you for sharing that very dark episode in your life....and then....clawing your way back to where the sun can shine again. I hope with time...your children can regain a balance with you and they can see where real healing is part of your recovery and life now. I try to empathize on this site to parents how very crucial it is not to acknowledge their other children while they are in deep grief. Siblings are not grief counselors...and they are dealing with a dark grief of their own. I have known parents that have actually destroyed their family circle and the very lives of their other children because they refused to walk the grief journey...they in their grip of grief decided to stop and wallow and be consumed without any thought or heart to the destruction they are bringing to all in the family. I think from knowing how some parents have destroyed their families with making grief their God....helped me in deciding how to go forward...I lost a son...I didn't want to lose my whole family.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee....I finally got to a place where I could listen to the song....very, very moving....singing what is written on our hearts.... So many new parents...and my heart is heavy for you....and hurts for you. Every emotion you are experiencing...we...the parents on this site...has felt. We so understand how this kind of grief is so very heavy and dark and hateful. I felt like someone tied a 20 lb. bowling ball to my body...and I walked..talked..slept...with that heavy feeling. This kind of grief can impact you physically...emotionally and mentally....that is why we say to you....'please...take care...self care...be very good and kind to yourself...and especially to the siblings and family....for they are wrecked with grief, also.....don't expect too much from yourself or family or others....don't try to see too far down the road or too far in the past for now. Right now....just take it one hour...one day....at a time. Your grief journey will be a as unique as your child is unique....but we will walk with you and help and support you along the way. There is no magic word or pill that will bring you understanding....this is the kind of grief you simply must go through...you can't jump over it..or skip around it. We are here to let you know you can survive. Sending prayers of care.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am on the 5th year of my grief journey....we lost our beautiful...beloved...John David in 2012. No matter how many years have passed since we lost our SONshine boy....I still get such a heavy...sad...blow to my heart when I read of another parent finding this site....for they have lost a child. When I say child....it doesn't matter if they died in the womb...lived 2 hours....2 days....10 years....50 years....they are still your 'child'. This kind of grief is very hard and heavy...there are no side steps one can take....you simply must go through it....for there is no getting over it. When I found this site....I realized I wasn't going crazy...I was just in deep mourning. The other parents on this site let me know I could survive this....you must accept the fact there will be days when you go 3 steps forward...and 5 back...many, many days. You must learn to be very gentle and kind to yourself....and others....they have no answers, either....especially your family. Do not expect too much of yourself or others....do not try and look too far down the road...or too far back into the past. Take one day at a time....breathe....and you must let go of guilt and regret. All parents seem to have such a load of guilt...I think it is because we are wired...(at the birth of our child)...to care and protect our child. We as parents think we have such Super Human Control....but really....we have only Super Human Love.
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