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keiko

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  1. The last five years have been rough as I have experienced many losses: Dad (Nov 2012), Aunty (Sept 2013), Mom (Mar 2014), Cousin (day after mom), Uncle (May 2014), Dog (Dec 2014), Friend (Dec 2016), Grandmother (Jan 2017). I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive but it seems like people have almost dismissed my grief and how much loss I have endured over the last five years. Each death has affected me differently, but it seems my friends and family seem to think I am accustomed to death because I have experienced so much of it. I noticed my friends don't really acknowledge the amount of loss I've had and how all of this grief and mourning has affected me. None of my friends have lost a parent yet so I know they have no idea what it's like as I had none before I lost mine, but it's very aggravating for them to say things to me like, "I don't know what I'll do when my parents die". Well I do know - you will feel like your whole world just went dark, like you will never feel okay again. Why would you say that to someone who lost both of their parents? They have never really recognized my struggles and seems like each time I would relay to them another family or dog or friend died, it was kind of brushed aside. I know most people can't deal with death, but it is frustrating when my friend who has only lost her cat - and compares the loss of her cat to a parent or family member is quite frustrating. Yes, losing a pet is devastating as well and I know because I lost my dog, but it still doesn't compare to losing a human being. I think if you feel losing your cat was hard, imagine how hard it was for me to deal with my dog dying on top of half my family members. Another friend lost her husband who was also my friend. She said the other day, " I think losing a spouse is the hardest thing" which undermines my grief as well as any other person who lost a family member or someone they love. I said well it's not a competition and you can't compare your loss to any other because EVERY loss is hard when it's someone you love. It's just frustrating and I just want my grief acknowledged, but they will find out later how hard it really is once you start dealing with multiple deaths over time. This has shown me though that I am really a strong person and have learned that you can only rely on yourself. I'm not saying my grief is any worse than anyone else's but I think I got lost in grief with so many back to back losses - it's like before I could fully grieve one loss, I was faced with another. When I cry, I don't even know who I'm crying for, perhaps it's just everyone at once.
  2. Dear Keiko,

    I am deeply sorry for your loss.  We are all here because we are suffering and in pain after loosing someone.  I agree, friends who haven't been through it don't get it.  I too was one of the carers for my mother who had Alzheimers.  You go through loss before they even die, grieving the loss of what it used to be and then on top of it you have the final loss.  I think being a carer for a parent with Alzheimers is one of the hardest things because it is brutal to watch you previously independent parent unable to care for themselves and gradually loose their mind and their personality.  I know how you feel because I feel the same.  In fact as the months have passed after loosing my mother, depression is worse.  it doesn't get better after such a short time.  I also fell out with my best friend who completely abandoned me after my mother died.  I wrote a post on this you might find interesting because i wanted to know if anything like this had happened to anyone else?  Its under another category called lost friendship after loss.  

    I hope you won't loose your friendship.  What I've come to learn after 5 months is people think you should feel better by now?  But how can you feel better when the person who raised you, been there your whole life is gone.  it doesn't take months to feel better I'm thinking years probably and nothing will be the same again.  I hope your mother recovers, I really do.  Thinking of you.

    1. sadandlost

      sadandlost

      Dear Keiko,

      Please accept my sincere apologies.  I responded to one of your old posts before your mother died so please forgive me for causing pain saying I hope your mother recovers.  I did not look at the date when you originally posted so I assumed it was recent.  Please forgive me.  The last thing I want to do is cause more pain.

    2. keiko

      keiko

      Dear sadandlost,

      Thank you so much for your message and I truly appreciate your sensitivity with your follow up message.  I'm very sorry about to hear about your loss of your mother to Alzheimer's.  It is a terrible, terrible disease.  I think the transition from child to caregiver is extremely difficult in any circumstance - for so long you rely on your parents to be there for you and take care of you so when the roles finally reverse, it does mark the start of grieving and mourning for what once was.  I hope you have found some support here...I am still struggling with my own grief and it is definitely forgotten about by others (which is why I'm back here).  Sending you hugs...take care!

    3. sadandlost

      sadandlost

      Thank you Keiko for forgiving me.  

      How does anyone get used to this grief I don't know?  Do we expect too much from others?  I don't know.  I don't know anything really.  I am sorry you are here again.   We are all here looking for comfort.  Does it exist?  Or are we asking for the impossible?

       

  3. Just feeling so alone....any advice?

    fresno11 - I haven't logged onto this site in awhile, but I did today to post on a similar topic so I can definitely relate to everything you describe. Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you to ease this feeling. Over the last 5 years I have lost both of my parents, a grandmother, an uncle, an aunt, a cousin, and most recently a good friend in a very tragic way. I lost my dad in 2012 then my mom in 2014 and ever since my mom passed, I have this unshakeable feeling that I am all alone in this world. I'm sort of the opposite of you in that I don't have a boyfriend or wonderful friends (I have a few close friends, but lost touch with many friends as I was caregiving for my parents for almost 10 years), but I do have a sister that I am fairly close to although we don't necessarily share our feelings/thoughts of despair and loneliness, at least I don't and I don't know if she experiences these feelings. In fact, I have trouble even admitting to myself at times, but the feeling is now insurmountable and I can't deny it or escape it anymore. I'm not sure what to do about it either. I thought these feelings would lessen in intensity over time, but I have found that the more time goes by, the more I feel alone. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling that way. I'm also very sorry for all of your losses. Hugs to you and everyone!
  4. I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. My mom was in a very similar situation where they knew she had some kind of autoimmune condition, but could never really pinpoint exactly which disease she had. It was frustrating to say the least so I'm sorry you also had to go thru that. In terms of your mother-in-law, that was very selfish and insensitive of her and you have every right to cope how you need to. Through grief I have learned that not everyone will say or do the right thing and in fact many times people will say or do things that feel very unsupportive and downright makes you angry! I honestly don't know how to handle things like that as I'm still resentful towards some of my friends for their lack of support during the loss of both my parents. But I do know that I will do what I need to in order to grieve and mourn. Some people think that mourning and grief has an expiration date and we should be "over it" but that's just ignorance and a lack of empathy/sympathy that THAT person lacks. You are doing nothing wrong at all. I hope that helps at least! Hugs to you!
  5. Carly - I can't even begin to imagine losing a parent at such a young age as I lost my parents in my late 30s, but I definitely can relate to the guilt that you describe. My sister and I took care of our parents for almost 10 years, but most of the time I was doing it begrudgingly because I had my own anger issues with my parents from past differences (previous to them needing our care). Because I had that underlying anger, I was never happy about the care giving role I had found myself in. I was also angered that my mom was so sick and that my dad was starting to show signs of dementia and just getting old. It just didn't seem fair. My friends were all getting married, having kids, traveling the world and making their parents proud grandparents and our life was upside down with varying emergencies between my mom and dad. So although I did the things I was supposed in terms of their care, I usually did it with such a bad attitude instead of being caring and loving and patient...I was the total opposite irritated, impatient, and basically cold most of the time. I wonder all the time if my mom knew how much I loved her despite how angry I might have been. I never showed her affection...didn't hug her or kiss her or tell her how much I loved her. I regret not showing her how much I did love her and was so grateful that she was my mom. I don't know if she really knew just how much I loved her based on how I acted. Even the day she died, I just couldn't speak I was frozen even though I had so much I wanted to say...I did tell her I was sorry and I loved her but I feel like it was too little too late basically. I think about it all the time and of course regret it deeply, but I knew I'd have to live with this one day and even then I couldn't stop/help myself either. So although our situations are different I can also relate to the anger and being cold. I don't have the answers but part of me wonders if that's a defense mechanism. If we're angry then we can't hurt and be sad and who wants to comes to terms with illness and death of a loved one especially a parent. I just think we all have our own coping mechanisms. Ours happen to be anger and I like to think we both only did what we knew at the time in order to cope. You're definitely not alone. It's been 18 months since my mom passed and I still feel a lot of guilt, but I do have some good days too. I don't think our parents would want us unhappy so hopefully we both can find a way to forgive ourselves. When I think about it, I'm sure my mom already has. I'm sure your dad feels the same way about you. Big hugs to you!
  6. Friends don't get it!!!

    It's been a while since I've logged on here and wow thank you for all the responses and I'm sorry each of you are grieving the loss of a loved one(s). Subsequent to this post, my mom passed away about 18 months ago. This time around I just didn't expect much in terms of support from my friends, but still I ended up disappointed and angry as only 2 friends showed up for my mom's funeral. I think the grief hit me so much harder as it was the loss of my second parent and it has since left me feeling like a lost child who got left behind in a big crowd. I've read about the orphan effect and that is exactly how it feels, but I'm doing my best to cope and continue to grieve. I've also realized a couple of things. I know that I was the same way as some of my friends, co-workers, and even family - that I, too, was ignorant to grief before and it really is one of things that unless you go through, you have no idea. Now with my experiences, I am trying to be a better support for when people do go through loss and grief. I find some comfort in knowing that it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person. I know one day they'll have to find out on their own as well. I am not perfect though and still can find myself angry and resentful if I think about it too much, but I am trying very hard to let it all go 100%. I also accepted that there is no expiration date for grief and if anybody has a problem that I'm still grieving then that's exactly what it is - THEIR problem. Again, I'm not always so logical and accepting, but I'm trying. I have my good days and bad days. My heart goes out to all of you...sending big hugs to all!
  7. I feel like I made a mistake accepting a promotion/new job. I had mixed feelings about accepting the job as it triggers grief and reminds me of my mom's death. Firstly because I did the interview on a Thursday - 3 days before my mom died so part of me regrets going to the interview and not spending time with my mom even though I'm sure my mom would rather have had me go to the interview. I was also stopping at the hospital every morning before work, but didn't go that morning because I wanted to stay focused for my interview. At this point though, we had no idea she was so close to dying. My mom passed away on Sunday then on Monday I was offered the position. The thing that bothers me about the offer is that HR knew my mom passed away the day before (as my former supervisor informed them that I may be unreachable that day), but yet they repeatedly called me all day and pressed me for a decision. I understand business is business but it wasn't 24 hours since my mom passed and the position didn't need to be filled immediately so I was baffled by their persistence that day. It bothers me a lot. Then they wanted to me start 2 weeks later, but I was not ready (still had to make funeral plans and just deal with the aftermath of a family member dying!) so I started the following month. I felt like I had to accept it since I sacrificed time with my mom but the entire time I had a nagging feeling that it'd be too much too soon. Too many changes at once. This job was a big promotion which of course means more responsibility and lots more stress; something that I can't really take on right now as my grief is still intense and some days I just want to crawl in bed and stay there all day. I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and if I had my last job, I'd have a lot more flexibility to take care of myself and do what I need to do. I just don't know if I really made a mistake or if I'm just overwhelmed. I don't want to do anything I'll regret - like quit and when I feel better I regret it. I can't talk to people about it because they look at me like I'm crazy that I can't handle this new job right now. Part of it too is that I received quite an inheritance so I don't really need this job or the stress.
  8. What on Earth is this!?

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm sure it was difficult to find closure when he was so far away when he passed away and you could not attend the funeral. From what I understand, there are 5 stages of grief and you could go through any of the stages of grief at any time - even going through multiple stages at the same time. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You could very well be at acceptance now, but that could change tomorrow as there is no timetable for grief and we all process it differently. I hope this helps a little
  9. Cindy Jane - Thank you so much for your words. It sure does help to know I'm not alone. I'm so sorry for your losses too.
  10. IM NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. It's been almost 8 month since my mom passed and almost 2 years since my dad passed and I'm still not OK either. I wish I had an answer for the both of us...I don't know when or even if it does get easier. I miss my parents so much too!!! I hope it helps to know that you're not alone...sending hugs.
  11. slm824 - I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. Your mom was a very strong and courageous person who was very lucky to have such a caring and loving daughter as yourself. You were there for her every step of the way and that's A LOT more than what most children can say for themselves. I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad. It must be extremely difficult to not even be able to talk about with him and see him move on with someone else. It sounds like he's in quite a bit of denial not only about your mom's passing, but with his life in general. You are so young to have lost your mom so I'm sure it's really hard to find peers or friends who have experienced a similar loss and don't get all uncomfortable. I'm 15 years older than you and even my friends get quite uncomfortable so I don't talk about it with them either. When I have really needed to vent or "talk", I've used this forum which does really help. In regards to you reliving the trauma, I know exactly what you mean. I recently posted something similar that I keep replaying the last week of my mom's life...even the months/weeks leading up to it. It's hard to get such a traumatic experience out of your head and not play it over and over. I tell myself it was only a few weeks in my mom's entire life, but those terrible memories keep coming up. It's been only 8 months for me and it's not as intense anymore, but I still think about it all the time. I don't know if I have any advice to offer, but I do know how you feel.
  12. It's been almost 8 months since my mom passed away; it will be exactly 8 months in 1 week, 11/09. Her birthday is two days away on 11/04 and she would have been 74 years old. My dad's 2nd anniversary of his passing is on 11/11. It's just too much right now and feels so overwhelming. Compounding all of these days are the approaching holidays. My mom started going downhill right around Thanksgiving of last year so it's dredging up a lot of unpleasant memories lately - she was in the hospital for Thanksgiving and a nursing home for Christmas so it's hard to think that's how we spent our last holidays together. I know I should think about all the other great holidays we had and not the really one bad one, but my mind keeps replaying the bad still. We also never got around to celebrating her last birthday because she was already feeling quite unwell. I feel like things are getting harder also because it seems that my mom and dad are really gone. I still can't believe I won't ever see or talk to them again, I feel so small and alone in this world. I feel so vulnerable without them around...that sense of security that only your parents can provide is just gone- even though I'm almost 40 years old, I feel like more than ever I need my mom and dad! I try to remember the good times, but I'm still haunted by the last week of my mom's life. I have so much guilt and regret over how impatient I used to get and I became frozen when I realized she was going to die that I couldn't even express to her how much I loved her and what she meant to me. These are the things I struggle with and think about all the time. I have my sister which helps a lot, but still only we know our own grief. I also do resent that I have to practically remind people sometimes that my mom passed away and it's only been 8 months. I get it, life goes one, but this is one of those things that unless you've gone through, you couldn't understand,. My friends haven't had to sit there and watch their mom die (or anyone close to them) right in front of their eyes - it was truly is the worst and most painful thing and it hasn't lessened, but seems to only have intensified. I know I'm avoiding a lot of my grief as I don't talk to it about anyone and when I do I seem to only end up more frustrated because they don't really get it or understand. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. The last 5 years or so, my sister and I were caretaking both of our parents so my life revolved around them. I don't even know what to do with myself! It's strange to go from that to just nothing. Anyway I just needed to vent to people I know who understand.
  13. This is. . . Difficult.

    I'm so very to hear about the loss of your parents and your dog. I fully agree with everything that Heartlight has said, I think she gave you some very good advice. Have you thought about counseling where you can talk to someone without feeling judged? I haven't sought counseling specifically for grief and loss, but I did before for some other personal issues and it did help to at least talk to a professional who really is there to listen rather than judge and give bad advice. I, too, feel very alone and unsupported by friends and family but they really don't get it. Until they go it through it themselves, they have no idea, NO IDEA what it's like. We had tremendous losses in our lives and it takes a long time to grieve and make such an enormous transition in our lives. I just want you to know you're not alone in the way you feel and I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this pain and sadness. I'm glad you decided to post here...I feel very supported here and people here really do understand. I hope you keep posting...we are here for you!
  14. Thank you so much to all of you and I'm so sorry for each of your losses, but it does help to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. Over the weekend I read a book called The Orphaned Adult by Dr. Levy and I would highly recommend it to those that have recently been orphaned. It really helped me to realize the things I'm feeling and thinking are very normal and quite okay and it gave me hope that one day I can find happiness again. It wasn't a magical cure to my grief, but it helped me to at least understand it a little better. I just really miss my mom and wish I could be with her one more time in this physical world, but that's just that - wishful thinking. I know we'll be reunited one day again in the spiritual world and I try to find comfort in that. It's still hard, really hard, but I know my parents wouldn't want me to be suffering this way and drown in my grief and sorrow. A friend reminded me yesterday to take things one day at a time and that's all we really can do. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you!
  15. That's it really - I miss my mom so much. She was such a sweet and gentle person plus she had a smile that could light up a room. Almost everyone who offered their condolences and knew her have said the same thing and it makes me really proud that she's my mom and that everyone recognized that about her. I haven't longed for her to hold me since I was a child, but I have such a longing to be comforted and held by her...I guess having our parents (I lost both of mine already) around gives us this sense of security that no matter what happens, you have your parents there for you but once they're gone so is that security. I feel so alone and empty no matter what I do. I keep hoping and praying everyday I'll wake up feeling less sad and less empty but I wake up to the same gaping hole in my heart every single day. This just sucks - plain and simple sucks!!!!
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