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star2000

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  • Content count

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About star2000

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Arkansas
  • Interests
    Reading, camping, playing video games
  • Loss Type
    Mother
  • Angel Date
    October 1, 2012

Converted

  • Occupation
    Caregiver
  • Last Name
    Anderson
  • First Name
    Mary
  • Zip
    72058
  1. Thank you. My dad and I never was really close. When my mom was alive, my dad drove me insane. We didn't hardly talk at all. Then when my mom passed away we talked every single day. The subjects changed to this new Lady and then they got to where he would just send me a quick message on fb and was gone. My mom had $20 in her purse that she held on to forever. She was bedridden so she couldnt go anywhere and kept trying to get my dad to use it. Well when she passed he decided that he would get the boys one last Christmas gift from my mother. However he didnt even wrap them and left them at his house. It was ok because he said that he was going to take the boys to his house on Thursday and they could get the gift then. That never happened so my kids have no Idea that they have a Christmas gift from their Mammy. Yeah the lady my dad is seeing owns her own home cleaning business. My dad at his church was taught that you date your children and I dont mean kissing and all that that you would do on a normal date. Just a date where you and one child at a time would go do something together: eat out, go to movies, or whatever the child was into. I hated those dates because I felt like they took me away from my kids and I always felt guilty if I was anywhere without my children. That is just because growing up my aunt who is 8 years older then me would have everyone watch her kids and go bar hopping. I took care of her kids most of the time myself. I still don't care if my dad and I go on a date anymore either. I just worry about my brothers more then anything. I am the oldest and only girl in the family. My oldest brother is the only one in the home who works, but he doesn't have his drivers license so now it is up to my youngest brother and I to pick him up when my dad isnt there. That is annoying and we have been on his case about him getting his license. My mom was on his case about getting his license. Then my youngest brother is on disability, he does have license, but he just can't comprehend things that he should. He dropped out of High School, his spelling is awful, he does not know how to write out checks so that is left to the rest of us to do for him. My oldest brother is huge and already having health problems like my mom. I guess in the end I am just worrying mostly about my brothers. What to do about them if my dad does move away. The only one of us who was ever honestly close to our dad was my youngest brother. I appreciate you responding, getting all of the last post off my chest helped me a lot. I am now going to focus on my brothers and make sure that they have food to eat, and help them find a place of their own. I hope that you have a blessed day. I have my vehicle back so my kids and I are going to get out of this house for a little while. Again Thanks for the comment
  2. My mom meant the world to me. She was 16 when she had me. I was her caregiver for just one month until she passed on October 1st, 2012. I had to go to a group counceling because I still couldn't handle it. Well on the way to it my dad asked me how would I feel if he was to start dating. At first I was devestated because my mom had only been gone a month when he asked. Well I realized that my dad was a grown man and if he wanted to date fine. I was ok with it. Well I even went so far as to help my dad set up an account on a dating site. I didn't realize that due to all of this that I would lose my father as well. He is still alive but I havent had a chance to even get to talk to him much. He met this one lady on the website and was smitten with her instantly. My dad went on 2 dates and was already meeting her son and his family. Well I decided to have her over for Christmas after my dad asked if it would be ok. I went and bought her a gift and cooked for everyone. Well they stayed long enough to eat, watch a childrens Christmas movie with us, unwrap gifts and then was gone. We had bad weather moving in and my dad was worrying about her. I was trying to get in touch with him to borrow his extra generator and he wouldnt answer. My 2 brothers live at home though they are adults. Well since Christmas, He has been over to her home every single day. It is a long trip costing lots of money for him to go, and see her, then he also takes her shopping and out to eat. My dad is just on disability. He is in his early 50's and she is a year older then him. I have nothing against her. My dad already started asking what my kids are going to call her. He is now talking about my brothers getting their own home together. It hurts that we dont exist much anymore. He told my kids on Christmas day that he would get them on Thursday however his time was spent with her. My kids are fine and having fun still with all of their stuff they got for Christmas. My dad is a grown man and can date and whatever but I feel almost like things are moving so fast. My mom will have passed on 3 months on the 1st. I still miss her very much. I didnt mind my dad dating so that he would have someone to talk to and hopefully eventually find someone to spend the rest of his life with. However I didn't expect him to replace us all together. I know I sound like a child throwing a tantrum and not wanting my dad to be happy but that is far from the truth. I lost my mom and now feel like instead of gaining someone else in my life, I am losing my dad. I think he is already planning on moving closer to her and so that is why he is wanting my brothers to find their own home. It is over an hour away so who knows what will happen. I am sorry that this is so long but I had to get this off of my chest because it has been bothering me and hoping that maybe someone out there understands what I am going through.
  3. Thank you for sharing this. It is a very beautiful poem and says exactly the way I feel.
  4. holiday hell

    I am sorry about your loss and everything that you are going through. This year has been a rough year for me. I lost my mother in October and I lost my job this week. Yay. I have so much going on this week and like you I would rather just be home with my family. Tomorrow we are going to my Mother-in-law and her husbands house to celebrate Christmas with them. Sunday I get to see my best friend that I grew up with. Sadly we didnt get back in touch until after my mother passed away because her dad was at my mother's viewing and gave me her number. Monday I am having my dad and 2 brothers here to Celebrate Christmas with them, and then on Tuesday we are going to my Father-in-law and his wives house. There is so much going on that I dont feel like I have a chance to really breath. Last Christmas I didnt really spend Christmas with my Parents, We stopped by their house and gave them their gifts. I finally bought my mother the one thing that she has always wanted because my dad would never buy it for her. I got her a ring with her birthstone on it. I never knew it would be the last gift I would get her for Christmas. I am trying to hold it together because the fact that I know I still need to celebrate for my 2 boys who are very young. I dont know when or if the Holidays will ever get easier or better. I am sorry that you dont really have anyone to talk to. It sucks trying to deal with all of this. I have my moments that I still cry but I try not to around others because I truly feel like everyone thinks that I should be ok since it has been 2 months. I dont think I will ever be ok 100%. I always went to my mother for Advice on everything. My youngest son Got sick this week and I took him to the Dr on Thursday and she said that what I had been doing for him is exactly what she would recommend. I figure the only way I knew is that my mom had to tell me at one time or another how to deal with it. My heart still aches for her and I guess always will. I am here for you if you ever want to talk.
  5. I lost my mother October 1st. It has been one of the hardest losses that I have ever had to deal with. I miss her still but thankfully have gotten a little stronger dealing with the loss. If you need someone to talk to, I will gladly talk to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
  6. I am so sorry to hear that. That is just awful. I hope that you get things taken care of because that was just wrong of them when he was DNR. I would be as upset as you and yes i can understand how it is still painful when you find out that this happened. My heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with everything going on.
  7. I am so sorry for all the losses that you have been dealing with. I lost my uncle a few years ago when he was 35. He was riding home on a motorcycle and hit a deer. Well he was released from the hospital and had to have assistance and sadly a blood clot ended up killing him a few days after he got released from the Hospital. At this time I was living in another state and had just had a baby 3 months before his death. I was going to ride with my parents and my other aunt and uncle to go to the funeral. We where all going to pitch in and rent a van that would hold 15 people but my uncle wanted to be able to run around so sadly I was unable to go because my family and I alone couldnt afford the bigger van and gas for it. It hurt not getting say goodbye. My dad was the only boy of 7 kids and all that is left is him and one sister. One of my aunts passed away on my sons birthday a couple years ago which was hard. I somehow survived all of those but when my mother passed away on October 1st, I felt like the world had been taken from me. She was also on lots of iv fluids, one to lower her heart rate, one to raise her blood pressure, the rest for I dont even remember. She had a breathing tube down her throat breathing for her as well. She went into the Hospital on September 28th and we decided to take her off the medicines and breathing tube on the 1st. It is the hardest decision you will ever have to make. The doctors had her sedated because she kept trying to pull the tube out of her throat. That monday morning we had them take her off the sedation so that we could communicate with her and make sure we where doing what she wanted. Sadly my mother never woke up. She went into a comma probably Saturday night. It hurt so bad sitting their holding her hand and watching the life drain from her even though it was pretty much just the medicine and breathing tube that was keeping her body alive. My mother was 47 years old when I had to say goodbye to her. I know right now it feels confusing if you did the right thing but when I think about it, my mom was in pain big time before she passed, and I would love to have her back but not like she was and I know there was no way that she could come back to us. It still hurts but I have finally started facing forward. I joined a grieving group that meets once a month and that helped me put things into perspective. Don't feel guilty that you lived away from home. You did what you had to do for you and I am sure that your mom was very proud of you for getting out there and starting your won business It will hurt for a while but eventually the days will start to get a little better. I have been told that no matter how many years pass, you wont ever stop not missing them, but you will learn how to live life without allowing the pain to control you. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. You can private message me. Dont be hard on yourself because you did what is best. Our moms are looking over us and proud of how far we have come and still love us even though they can not be with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.
  8. Holiday Anxiety

    We can even do pretty good at "faking" it sometimes, can't we?? Your saying that reminded me of something someone last night said. They said Fake it till we can make it. I understand your grudge. I feel the same way about different things over the years with my brothers. I am just going to try to face forward because looking back is only hurting me. It doesnt mean that im not going to keep the good memories from my mom because those are with me always but I have to make sure I am still being a good mom to my sons and a good wife to my husband. There was a book that was read last night, it is a kids book but it is so cute and I cried because it sounded like something my mom would say to me. It is called "The Invisible String" by Patrice Karst. It was adorable and so cute. I plan on finding it to read to my kids. I sent my dad a message asking him who this woman is that isnt much older then me. He said I dont know her and that she has a kid who is 13 or 14. I was hurt badly by this considering my son is 10 and will be 11 in February but yet I know my dad is a grown man and has to do what he feels is best for him. I dont know if this relationship is going to work or not but I am going to try my hardest to be supportive of my dad. I know that my mom wouldnt want us to not live life. I just feel like im on an emotional roller coaster but yet I feel a little better after the meeting last night. I feel like I can finally face things a little better. I dont expect things to be perfect but ready to see what the future holds for me.
  9. Holiday Anxiety

    I understand where you are coming from. I went to a meeting last night for people grieving and the lady who was holding the meeting said that we have to allow ourselves to celebrate the Holidays or we will not be able to face them in the future. I am truly sorry for your loss. I feel awful and wish that I had some great advice but sadly I am at a loss of words. I still have my dad and 2 brothers but Im starting to feel like my husband and his family is all I have left. It doesnt mean I dont love my brothers or dad but im just mostly frustrated right now. My brothers are ok with everything and have been for a while now. My dad last night on the way to the meeting asked me how I would feel if he started dating someone who is not yet divorced. I feel like everyone in this world has lost their minds. I hope that you are able to celebrate the Holidays with your fiancee and kids. I can't promise that I am going to be able to be 100% during the Holidays but like you I still have my husband and kids and so I still have a reason to celebrate life. I am trying my hardest to be strong and there for my family. I am here for you, you can send me a private message any time you need to talk. Together and with the support of our loved ones, we will be able to make it through the Holidays.
  10. I am truly sorry. I am in a situation myself that im not sure how to feel. My mother passed away October 1st and I havent been able to get over it. Well last night my dad and I went to a group grief counseling session. On our way to the session my dad asked me how I would feel if he started dating a woman who is in the process of getting a divorcee. I felt sick to my stomach that he would even ask something like that. my mom has only been gone 1 month and 11 days as of yesterday when he asked this. I just told him that when I got divorced I stayed faithful till my divorcee was finalized before I started dating because though my ex did wrong and ran around, I took the same vows has him and I was going to stick to them till the very end. He also said that she is in her late 30's and here I am in my early 30's. I dont know that I would be ok with my dad dating someone who is only 8 or so years older then me. I know that he is eventually going to date and I know that eventually I will be ok with it but for him to throw that at me while we was going to a grief counseling just felt like the world had gone crazy. I hope that things get better for you and for everyone because the loss of a parent is the worst pain ever.
  11. I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom. I understand it hurting so bad. It feels like someone ripped your heart out of your chest. I just lost my mother October 1st and Im still not ok. My 2 brothers are now somewhat ok but my father and I are not. I am 31 and my mother was 47. It sucks how she was here and then she was gone. It feels almost like the world should just stop when we look out our windows. I am going to a group counseling session tomorrow with my dad because we still cant function each day is a challenge for us. If things are not getting better for you over time you may look into something similar. I am praying for you. I am very sorry for your loss.
  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. I wish that I had thoughts of wisdom to help your during this time but sadly I dont have anything that I can say right now. I just lost my mom a month and 3 days ago. I am here for you though if you ever need someone to just listen to you.
  13. I have been working on writing a book about my mother through my eyes and other family members eyes. I haven't got anyone else stories yet. It brings back memories for me. It has been a month yesterday since my mother passed. It doesnt feel like it has been a month already. Life definetly is not the same without her. It still hurts so badly. I have more good days but I cant help but think of her and miss her. Last night is the 1st night I dreamed of her. I remember she was walking around like normal, and I was giving her a shower. I was her caregiver but she was bed ridden so that made my dream a little odd. I said, I dont really want to talk about this but how do you feel knowing that you are dieing?" Sadly I never got a chance to hear her response because someone in my dream interupted. I wish that I could have heard her response because I wish that I would have had the talk with her before. I wish I knew 100% what all she wanted towards the end. I cant help but think about this kind of stuff. Its hard because so much is going on that I wish I could talk to her about. On Tuesday I had such a scare. My youngest son didnt get off the school bus. His brother came in the house and I asked where is your brother and he said I dont know. I freaked out. I called my dad to ask him to go to the bus stop near his house to see if my son rode the bus to his house. They had the day before because I went to a concert that my mom had told me I would have to tell her all about it the next day. My son wasnt on that bus. I had called the bus b4 my dad called me about him not being on that bus. The lady at the school tried contacting the school bus but was unable to get through to them. I called her back immediately to tell her that he wasn't on that bus and she immediately called a code that made all the buses stop and check. Thankfully he was found on one of the buses. Why he got on there I don't know but I went to the school to wait for the bus to bring him home. When he got off he ran to me laid his head on my shoulder and cried. I cried with him because I was so scared not knowing where he was. Then on Wednesday it was hard because I took my kids to see my dad so he could see their costumes and it hurt knowing that my mom wasn't there to see them and tell them how cool they looked like she always did each year. I know I'm stronger in a months time but I am still not whole. I don't know that I ever will be 100% but I know that I have to focus on my kids. Yesterday my husband and I went to apply for a loan for him a motor cycle. I wish my mom was here so that I could tell her we got approved for it. We plan on paying it off as quickly as we can because we hope to eventually apply for a loan to purchase a home. These are the kind of things that I will never get to share with her and it hurts so badly. If I had any trouble with my oldest son my mother would always have a talk with him because they where so very close. I had the talk with my son and explained to him that I'm sorry that he is angry about what he is angry about but that I cant change things. I know that my mom would have told him the same. I hate that my son lost his mammy and he hurts because his biological dad doesn't come around or try to contact him or his little brother. My mom and dad both said that they where happy for me and my boys for my current husband. He stepped up to the plate and has been so wonderful helping me provide for my kids. Well he claims them as his so our kids. I love my kids and husband because they make things better for me. My family and I are trying just going to take this 2nd month like we did the 1st, just one day at a time. My dad and I may go to counseling soon. We both are still taking everything very rough. It is somewhat better but not 100% I am also grateful for this site so that I can type how I feel and hear from the people who also are going through the same thing that I am. Thank Yall so much!
  14. Thank you Kaycee! It was wonderful getting to release the baloons. I had to take the kids to parent teacher conferences last night and I didnt realize that my oldest son would do anything that would bring tears to my eyes. He got to spend the last weekend with my mom. When he went to school that Monday, he wrote a story about it. well he started it anyways. He started writting about that weekend and it continued in to when she got placed in the hospital, and then when she passed away. It was beautiful seeing it through a 10 year olds eyes. I am making it day by day. Today has been touch and go. My kids have been a blessing through all of this. I am lucky to have such a wonderful family and knowing that I still have all of them helps so much.
  15. Things went ok yesterday. I was pretty emotional. My dad and I went out to eat to celebrate my moms birthday. Our waitress was so sweet. My dad explained to her the situation and she took such great care of us. We where both emotional at first and it was hard for me not to cry. My dad and I spent some time talking and soon we both felt better after talking about it. I decided that I wanted to buy a birthday ballon for my mom and attatch a note. I figured it would be something good for my kids as well. It was funny because I chose 2 extra balloons and when they got home from school they both chose the one that I had picked for them personally. They where so happy with the idea. they also wrote her a note and then we went out into our yards to release the balloons. My oldest sons took off. My youngest son and mine went and got stuck into a tree. My youngest was trapped at the top and mine was lower. My youngest son finally got lose and floated away. Mine never came out of the tree which was kind of disapointing but my kids was happy about theirs that I was happy for them. My oldest loved doing it. He was his mammys cuddle bug, and my youngest son was her love bug. I still call them that. They love it. My oldest son chose to call my mom Mammy. We had planned on calling her Grammy but when he started talking he called her Mammy and that is what she loved and stuck with. I am trying to keep my cool about things because I feel so depressed by so much going on. Part of it is the loss of my mom, I havent made it back to work since she passed and so im getting worried about bills, and christmas coming up. Plus im sad that I wont get to spend time with her for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know that things will eventually get better but its hard seeing the future of being ok with the way I feel now. I am taking peoples advice and just taking it one day at a time. I am going to call the company that I get my clients through to see how my new clients paperwork is going. Tonight is going to be crazy because both kids parent teacher conferences is at the same time sadly. Tomorrow my oldest son has a sleepover to go to. I am ready for Saturday so that I will have time to relax and get my thoughts together.
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