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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Alexander Risten

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About Alexander Risten

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    Advanced Member

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    Helping people cope with the pain of losing a loved one.


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  • About Me
    I have over 13 year experience helping people with various problems. As a minister it is part of my daily routine. I regularly come in contact with people struggling with the pain of loss and grief.
  1. Loss of my seven year old son

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad however that you and your ex-wife have each other for support. Grieving is a lonely experience and it is good to have someone close. I am thinking about you.
  2. I Am Angry

    Hi Mares2001, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mother and best friend is really sad. Your anger is normal. It is part of the grieving process and it will subside in time. Anger is mostly an expression of desperation and a feeling of powerlessness. That is the worst part of grief, it makes us powerless, and sometimes our only expression against this feeling is anger. I believe if you are honest with your husband about your feelings he will understand your "rages" and help you deal with it. I am thinking of you.
  3. I want my life back!!

    That is so true. Someone once compared the pain of losing a loved one to chronic back pain: it is always there, but after a while you learn to sit or lie in such a manner that the pain becomes less. But the pain never disappears... in some cases it becomes a lifelong companion. I am thinking of you!
  4. Seasons of Grief

    Hi guys, Counselors talk of "Grief Triggers". These are experiences that trigger the grief again, like lawnranger having to store the pots for winter. What Stargazer said is so true, when these experiences come closer our moods shift. It is normal, but can be painful. One woman told me how a simple phone call wrecked her healing process for weeks. A telemarketer phoned and asked to talk to her father (who died 7 months prior). Just hearing his name and knowing she cannot call him to the phone triggered the whole grieving process again. Thankfully she soldiered through it. But these things are bad. I am thinking about all of you, and I am so thankful for this forum where we can openly talk and support each other.
  5. Recently lost my younger brother

    That was one of the reasons I wrote my book on Grief. Lots of people are not prepared for grief. Also, ModKonnie gave great advice on this. One extremely effective method to deal with grief is to start a "Memory Garden" if possible. Take a part of the garden and transform it in his memory. Plant a tree, shrub or rose bush. Having something to care for that reminds you of him will help channel the emotions more positively. I know of one person who added to this "Memory Garden" on every special occasion (birthday, Christmast etc.) He now has a very beautiful and peacfull corner in the garden where he sits daily to read, write or just drink coffee.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Seeing this much pain in this thread I am saddened to know of people who are angry at their children for something petty. I am currently in the process of trying to help a father and son to reconcile. They refuse to contact each other or visit each other. The cause of the fight: a misunderstanding regarding a birthday party. If only I can get them to understand how precious our time together really is. I am thinking of all of you in pain.
  7. Loss of my seven year old son

    I do not think that we always do something to deserve pain. Life is hard and cruel, and sometimes we experience pain when we do not deserve it. Most of us will know that life is not fair, and I believe no one really knows why that is. I am thinking of you.
  8. Til death us do part

    I will pray for you. Good luck with your journey.
  9. Til death us do part

    No problem, I have had far worse My replies were no attempt to try and argue that these texts should offer you comfort. Rather I tried to show that even people who stood in faith struggle like those who do not believe, sometimes it appears as if they struggle more. As I said above, Job was just an example of another person who struggled to understand and who never found any straight answers to his questions.You have read Job, so you will know that God never answered any of his questions. Job did find peace in the end, but that is another story. He struggled to make sense... like you. So again, you are not alone. I did not offer Job with the implication that you should be like him in that sense. Rather, Job reminds us that sometimes people looses everything, but even a single loss can be just as devastating. The reference to the wicked was along the same lines: the inability of God's children to understand a world of pain and hurt. Asaph looked at the "wicked" and he could not understand why they prosper and he struggles. He also found peace, but I just wanted to show you that pain and hurt is truly universal. Even those who find their answers in the Bible, sometimes experience such pain that the Bible no longer answers their questions. It can become a real struggle. I am a believer and I do find comfort in the Bible, and I regularly see people go through the most devastating experiences and find refuge in God. I only tried to echo your words. God does not always make sense, and for some the reality of pain becomes so big that they are unable to find any proof of goodness in this world. I still hope you find peace in the end, and sorry if I created the idea that I want to drag you to the Bible.
  10. Loss of an adult son

  11. Loss of an adult son

    Alex is fine. I am told by numerous people (who lost parents, grandparents, spouses and children) that the loss of a child is the worst. I cannot comment on that, but I can see it in their lives. If the grieving process is allowed to process naturally you will move on eventually, unless you start experiencing prolonged or extended grief. Prolonged grief can be very serious, but in my experience (whatever that is worth) I find that this usually happens when the grieving process is hampered or rushed. That is why it is so important to be honest about your feelings (like you are), and allow yourself the time to cry. It is too easy to say time does heal all, but that is not always true. I do however experience that people talking honestly about their feelings, hurt, anger, disappointment, guilt and even hatred do help. It is as if we process what happened while we struggle explaining how we feel. I think it is not really time that heals, but as time goes by most people work through the emotions naturally. Your loss is very recent so do not rush it. Try to find someone trustworthy to speak to about your pain and hurt. The focus should be on your feelings (which can fluctuate wildly). I do not know if you are religious, but if you are, try to speak to a pastor or reverend regarding the question "why". It is a difficult question to answer, but thinking about the bigger picture has helped a lot of people.
  12. What is grieving?

    Most of us are ill-prepared for the reality of grief. And society tries its best to hide that fact from us. I have the advantage that I primarily work with people I know really well. So when they come looking for help, we already have an existing relationship. It is easier for them to open up to me since I am not a stranger. It offers me the ability to bypass a lot of the uneasiness of getting to know them. We can focus on their feelings far sooner. Also, my services are "free" since they do not have to pay me for each appointment. That also helps a lot
  13. What is grieving?

    What you say is so true. That is why I always beg people no to hasten the grieving process. It takes time for the emotions to truly surface since the bereaved needs to work through it. Even the emotions that appear very early on are being processed and they only truly appear later on. It is sad that the counselors you spoke to never ask you about your feelings, because that is grief. Also, these feelings need to be expressed regularly since they tend to change. The big problem in trying to define grief is that everybody experience grief differently. My biggest gripe with society regarding grief is the pressure to cope as quickly as possible and move on. I agree that the grieving process should mature naturally (as it is a natural process). Given enough time and support most people naturally arrive at the point where they are willing to express their feelings (after they processed it). Unfortunately society tends to be "gone" by then. Expressing our feelings is difficult, that is why I always advise those I try to support to start writing daily. It helps a lot. I also give them practical things to do in order to help them cry. I also try to explain that "falling apart" is OK and that at times you should let everything and just experience your grief. I am currently busy with another book that looks at the advantages of using movies to better understand grief. I am glad that you reminded us of this.
  14. I want my life back!!

    Part of healing is to acknowledge certain difficult truths: 1) You are broken. When two people marry, they do become one. It is not just a metaphor. A part of you is gone, and you must learn to redefine yourself. Your whole identity has changed and it must be rebuild. It is hard and it takes time. 2) Crying is normal and should not be suppressed. You should cry since you lost someone very important. 3) Eating and sleeping disorders are part of grieving, but you must force yourself to take good care. Eating and resting (not always sleeping) is important to heal 4) It takes time before you will find things to smile or be happy about, but when you do, please do not feel guilty. Your beloved will not hold it against you! 5) Good weeks can be followed by bad weeks... but bad weeks can also be followed by good weeks. Just keep going as well as you can. We all are thinking about you.
  15. Loss of my Daughter 07/12/2012

    I am thinking of you!