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Silvergirl61

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  • Content count

    303
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About Silvergirl61

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Omaha,NE.
  • Interests
    Love to read, visit zoo, Old Market- Omaha is a favorite place, enjoy museums, and historical sites.
  • Loss Type
    my husband, Dennis, to sudden heart failure
  • Angel Date
    08/26/2012

Converted

  • About Me
    https://www.facebook.com/silver.smith.560

Recent Profile Visitors

5,488 profile views
  1. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    I just read your post. It's been nearly five years now for me, but those early days, and the "firsts" still come back to me. All of the despair and hopelessness, the conviction that the world would never be anything but hollow and dark again. It took a long time, to find things to smile about again, but I have. His memory has become a softer, more comforting presence, as time has gone on. I don't believe I will ever forget him, nor do I any longer believe I will ever entirely lose him. Just hold on. Take whatever time you need. Reach out to friends or family, and talk to people here. This site, and people I met here? We're one of the biggest helps I had in the dark times. I hope you're feeling a little better soon. There are still days, when the world just hurts. But, over the years..I've found that those days pass. Peace be with you.
  2. Organ and tissue donation

    My Dennis was a donor, too. Last time I checked up, he had helped 60 people through the gifts he gave..... I still have not looked at the list of all the things he gave, and i may never read all of it. I know some of it..because of the letters from a few he helped. As time goes on, I'm finding it easier to accept his view of things. When we talked about it..he said " It makes no sense to me for something that can help other people to just be thrown away when i am gone. It's not like it will make any difference to me..because I will already be done with this body, and I will have already gone on to whatever is next. Don't be silly about it..it is the same thing as donating my clothes to the goodwill- someone who needs these things won't have to go without them. Promise me you will at least try to see it that way..." It is hard sometimes, and yet at others, it is wonderful to know he cared that much for people he would never know. Because he was a hero, there are two people who see. There is a young woman who can again run, and play the sports she loves. There is a young father, back from a war, who can use his arm to hug his wife, and hold his son..... Somehow, knowing this makes his decision seem to be the only one- and i am coming to peace with it, a little at a time.
  3. Silvergirl61

  4. I AM ENGAGED, LIVING LIFE

    That's wonderful news! Congratulations, and I hope you have lots of years of happiness ahead. Only you have the knowledge of when it's time to move ahead with life along a new path, and those who really love you, will understand. And I'm sure he would.
  5. 2nd Birthday in Heaven

    Hey Judy! Sorry I haven't stopped by for so long, or I would have replied to this sooner. I think we survive this pain because we simply have to. They wanted us to. They loved us so much and wanted nothing more for us , than for us to be happy. We are their legacy. They live on in us and with us, as long as we go on...for who knew them better than us? When we joined our lives with theirs, the dreams became shared. All the hopes and fears, all the plans. The memories we have of those men we loved are the most complete, the deepest and strongest treasures we possess. Time and distance cannot destroy the love..and so we go on- in spite of the pain and the grief. Somewhere they watch over us, and cheer us on, and keep encouraging us to live on, be happy, and be the best we can be. That's our why and our how. Dennis' 50th birthday just passed a short while ago..and right on it's heels...the second year rolled by. I still feel his presence in my life, and it's a comfort...although it sometimes causes me pain... to know I will always have him in my mind and in my heart. Maybe someday, we will be able to love again...although it still seems to me impossible. It no longer matters to me, because i am learning to function as i am now. His was the one love, the best love..and it made me stronger than i knew. If , when my time comes..I am still "his wife"..then so be it. This is my life, and i can only follow my heart..as you must yours. I'm sending you a hug, right now. Take care of yourself, and be as happy as you can be. Silver
  6. My first date in 24 years

    Hi ladies! Glad to hear things are going ok for you ...and maybe it gives me some things to think about. Thank you for sharing this.
  7. Hi all- It's been two years now. Yes, the pain is still all too real...but there are more coping strategies in place. Yes, I had a date. No , it did not go well. I think I prefer alone, at least for now. Work is going fine. I stay busy quite a bit. My kids still speak of him often..and they miss him, too. Our grandson is growing, and is beautiful..and has blond hair and blue eyes..which pleases his moms a great deal. He can always get a smile from Nana.... I'm still alive and going forward..just like he wanted. And i still love and miss him...every day. If you are new here...hang on...the road gets a bit less stony, farther along. Hope you all are doing ok...love to all- Silver
  8. The guilt of my husbands passing

    Beck- My Den was 48... he had been rubbing at his chest all evening. He had been tired and gray for a couple of days. He kept telling me he was fine. Something in me knew it wasn't so....and tragically, I didn't listen to it enough. I have since spent hours agonizing over "If i had only..." I've talked to several doctors and to a couple of therapists, too. There is some agreement among the professionals, that all sorts of clues were there, that the doctors who were caring for him should have picked up on. They agree that mistakes were made.... But they assure me, none of them were mine. It doesn't always help to know that. I still feel i must have moved too slow. I should have been able to save him with CPR. I should have found a way to get him help faster...the list of self-torturing thoughts can go on and on - sometimes. At other times, one fact stands clear. None of it matters now. The only thing that truly helps me through those days or nights..is bringing my mind to the now. The unchangeable past is a place where i wish i could go..but I can't. I had a dream a couple of nights ago...where i was able to save him, and he lived. Waking up to reality wasn't a pleasant thing, but it happened anyway. This is such a terrible process to live through. It has been almost two years now, for me, and I still have hard and terrible days and nights to get through. They aren't as long and endless and terrible as they were at first though. I can't say my faith keeps me going, really. I have family and friends..but sometimes, I am sure they think I should be over it....and sometimes they actually say that - out loud. It doesn't seem to help me much, either. I guess the point I am trying to convey to you is this one- be kind to yourself. This road is rough enough, just missing the one you love, without needlessly hurting yourself more. They wouldn't want us to..because we were loved. Just like we loved them. They tell me , if i keep walking forward.. i will eventually find peace. Sometimes, it comes for a time. Maybe I will find it someday....and i hope you will, too.
  9. Something which seems to be helping me...

    and in that one sentence, you summed up so much of what all of this is about. What we believe can either make us or destroy us, can't it?
  10. Haven't been on here for awhile

    Hi again to all of you! I too find myself having to say.. I haven't been here for awhile. 20 months have somehow managed to go by, since I lost my Dennis. I went back to work, then quit that job, found another one, moved out of the last house we lived in together, moved from a small town back to a big city, packed up all the memories in boxes, then gradually unpacked some of them again. So many things in my life have changed, some for the better, some not so much. What hasn't changed is the missing him. Each and every single day.. I think of him. Sometimes I talk to him (inside my head, mostly) Sometimes I write to him. Sometimes..I write about him. I speak of him often. I too, had a counselor tell me that sometime I would have to let him go. Why? Is there some unwritten rule that says so? If there is..well, I guess it's one more rule to ignore. His body may not be here...but I believe his spirit is somewhere..and I don't think it's been forever yet, although some days I'm not so sure it hasn't been. I have decided that I will do what feels best for me. If some days, I choose to "wallow" in sorrow..then I will . If sometimes i feel melancholy and blue..then it's what I feel . If people don't want to hear me talk about him..they are free to not listen. What they aren't free to do..is tell me I'm wrong, that I need to forget him, or that I need to "move on" or "find someone else". He was MY husband, my soul-mate, my love...and this is MY life. Dennis was the one person I KNEW loved me..just as I am, flaws, quirks and all. I loved him with all my heart..and my heart refuses to stop feeling that love, no matter how often my brain tries to convince that stubborn heart, of the futility of loving a memory. I know he's gone. Who could know better than I do? We were inseparable, and complete together. I was there when he breathed his last..and I felt it, as I feel it now. Still- he's here inside my heart, inside my mind..and I can no more let him go..than i can forget who I am. Maybe time will take that away..but only if it takes my identity with it. I can't change the past. I cannot bring him back. I cannot make him live again...but I can choose to let him live through me, and in me. If i feel like being happy doing something we would have loved to do together...then I will . If i choose to do something in memory of him..then I will. If i want to put up a picture, or buy him a flower, or wear his jacket..or hide all the things that remind me away...I can do any or all of those things. If I want to celebrate an anniversary, or a birthday..or ignore one- I have that right. I can only move through the days, the best way i know how..and when they are through..hope I find him again. Forget him and move on? NEVER. Remember, and live on? As the days pass..it seems I might. One day at a time. May you find peaceful moments, and beautiful memories to carry you through another day.- Silver
  11. Rings - Just Curious

    I still wear mine, and his on the finger next to it. I may take them off sometimes, but it's usually because I don't want to damage them, and I put them on, or leave them off, when ever i feel like it. They're just rings now.
  12. Feeling Like We Want to Die

    Since someone started the topic.. I will admit, that the thought has repeatedly crept in..and sometimes has stayed around to grow. Many , many long years ago... I lost someone else , and my days were dark..and I wanted to die, because at the time.. I felt that no-one would ever love me..and no-one would even care...so I tried. Turns out, a total stranger found me...patched me up..read me the riot act...and saw to it , that i started thinking in a better way. I would have never had my children. I would have never met Dennis.... I may have lost him in this time, and in this place...but i know i will find him again, somehow. If i had given in to that black despair... I would have never seen the grandson that we so wished for...that he talked about someday being able to cuddle and play with....just like he will never see or hold him. Eli would never know either of us then..and there would be no-one who knew his grandpa this well...to tell him stories , or answer questions. There are people who do love me..and who hurt so badly...they have even gone so far as to forget and say..if it had to be one of you....terrible as that sounds..the grief and terror in the voices tells me how frightened they are...that I will leave them too soon too....and i can't hurt them that way...and besides .. I promised him i would not do that..that i would leave my time to fate...and find him again, when time runs out here. I don't feel any large sense of purpose. I have little direction, no goals...not much hope, of things getting better ....but I will have to wait and find out... If I were told i had a fatal illness...I don't have the strength to fight, nor the will- not yet anyway. I am not worried about it any more..I have the feeling...that is when the pain will stop- when i die. I guess until then i seek the smaller joys.. try to find some kind of happiness...and just wait it out. Some days... it even seems i will do all right .....I just keep going , the best i can. He'd want it that way- because time is an illusion...and one day..it won't matter any more.
  13. eyes

    If they would only look..they could see the ghosts behind my eyes....
  14. New Year's Platitudes

    It's been 16 months. until eary this month..most of his things sat close to where he left them, except his clothes..those i packed after about three months...and they are still here. Why? I can't seem to make myself put them away or get rid of them. I let things go, a little at a time, to the kids, to his close friends..but most of it...still here..it took months to even begin..and the gifts he bought for me? i had to call my sister, to come put all those special mementos away.. i couldn't do it, couldn't touch them. Now i am going to finish packing things up and get out of this house. I's just time to do it...before i never can.
  15. Do we have to forget to get over our grief?

    I am going to repeat what has been told to me so often here- there is no rule book for this. Only you can know what it is that helps you, and whatever it is..is the right thing for you to do for yourself. Love to all- Silver
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