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lenaleanna

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    12
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About lenaleanna

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday April 30

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Iowa, USA
  • Loss Type
    suicide
  • Angel Date
    10/28/11

Converted

  • Occupation
    stay at home mom
  1. Good morning, I'm not new around here but it's been a while since I logged on and posted. On October 28th, 2011 my mother was found after committing suicide. She was 66 years old. It's almost been 2 years, will be at the end of this month. I wanted to come on to say to anyone out there that is suffering, hurting, or just anyone at all that wants or needs comfort or a smile- you are loved!!! Ok, that might have seemed weird or an odd thing to say to people I do not know but at the same time it needed to be said. After my mother left this world I went through a huge range of emotional statuses, ups & downs, sideways and backwards, crazy... insane even. I put myself into periods of my life I never thought I would take myself- crossed lines I never thought I would cross, and say or think, feel and do things I never thought I would say, think, feel or do ever. Tequila became a "friend" as did sweet red wine. I left my husband and children- but came back after 3 months. Sat and felt sorry for everything I had ever done wrong since birth to my mother or anyone and everyone... then sat and felt sorry for myself that my mother must not have loved me, I wasn't a "good enough" daughter. which then put me into the feeling I wasn't "good enough" for anyone- no matter who it was. Depression. Big time. I remember the first year after her passing I was in shock... at least that is how I see it now. This second year now has been something totally different, like a "sad" year. The whole year seemed to just have a sadness all over it. When they talk about the "stages" of grief, they do explain everyone goes through it differently some faster and some slower. Something I didn't know it that it would change like the weather here in Iowa... and sometimes changes because of the weather... lol! Now after basically 2 years, 20 pounds heavier, not wanting another drop of alcohol ever again in my life, I have come to an acceptance. Acceptance that my mother is gone, some times I talk to her in my mind but just knowing her spirit is where ever it feels happiest is ok with me. Part of my craziness was also due to the fact that earlier this year I had a friend who also committed suicide. This wasn't "just" a friend but someone I knew a bit more and just an acquaintance during the time I was away from my husband. When I got back together with my husband two weeks later this guy takes a gun and shoots himself in his living room. The week before I went back to my husband I was with this guy and we were talking- friends wise. What if I gave him bad advice, or said something that hurt him... He wanted to date me and didn't want me going back to my husband. At the time I wasn't going to and I thought about giving this guy a chance. My problem was there were a few "red flags" that I couldn't deal with and a few things going on with my husband and children that I didn't understand. Like I said I was a bit "crazy". Something happened that weekend and I decided to get back together with my husband and had to call this guy and let him know. He cried on the phone and was hurt that I wouldn't come and be with him. 2 weeks later he was gone. He had an ex-wife and 2 beautiful daughters, a mother and siblings- family and friends who all cared and loved him that he left behind. I have had to come to acceptance about this too. My husband knew about this guy, and actually knew the guy. He understood and was just as shocked as I was to learn he killed himself. We both just couldn't believe it. My husband knew everything- I hadn't kept anything from him. He wanted to talk to the guy once but before he could arrange it this guy was gone. This website helped me through some very hard emotions and sadly a lot of us here have had to go through this more than once. We don't want to accept the act but accept that our loved ones are at peace and are loved no matter what. I've been in that state before when I felt like I was the problem and I needed to go and escape- stop being the problem- poof be gone- but LOVE helped me out of it and LOVE keeps me going now every day. Love from my husband, my children, my family and friends. Thank you!!! Jeannie
  2. 1 year tomorrow.

    I greatly understand and I am very sorry for your loss also!!! It's so hard when you know they have loved ones all around them but feel so "alone" in something so painful to them they don't see a way out. I know why my mom did what she did, it doesn't make it right or any less painless. The "why" may never be known in some cases but knowing you love them and you know they love you- the knowing that your loved one is out of that "unmentionable" pain they had that they felt they had no choice. I can't tell you exactly "why" my mom did it, but her emotional pain was great and I know she believed she was doing people she loved a "favor" of having to go through any more emotional pain. I do know my mom didn't want to put the people she loved through more of something she thought would be worse than what she did. For MONTHS after my mom passed I imagined myself holding my mom's shoulders and shaking her body screaming at her saying "WHY?!?!?!" " Don't you think I love you I will always be here for you?!?!?!" I know I can't, I knew she wouldn't be able to listen and "take it back". Now, I have come to a point of "acceptance", knowing in my heart and in my mind, what ever pain my mom was going through emotionally or physically, she is better now, safe, free of all that hurt her. I have to be happy for my mom that she is finally not in that pain. The other day I received a card in the mail, upon opening I saw it was from the funeral home that had handled everything for my mom, reminding me that they remember too and I wasn't alone. You aren't alone either, we are here for you too. I really hope that you can find some peace- even if it has to be in the smallest of things, let it grow so you can live here on hearth for your son and his family too. Hugs!!! Jeannie
  3. 1 year tomorrow.

    Thank you all for your thoughts and hugs!!! To be honest yesterday wasn't as bad as I had imagined and it was "uneventful"- which is perfectly good. I know it's still going to be hard but finally I feel like I can take a breath and breathe a little. Jeannie
  4. A year ago tomorrow my husband woke me up at 5 something am, He had heard the phone and the knock on the door but I hadn't. The officer who was at the door had been calling the house phone to wake us up. I wear ear plugs to sleep so I didn't hear anything except my husband shaking me and waking me up. When I opened my eyes and took out the ear plugs my husband said "Honey, it's your mom, she's gone." My mom was 66 years old. She took some sleeping pills and got into a full bathtub completely dressed and drown. She had left a note but it didn't say much. Her roommate had found her at 4 something am and called a cousin of mine instead of me. I didn't get to know anything until 10:30 am that day, all I had been told so far is that my mom was gone and it was suicide. At 10:30 we were to go to the police station, when I went in they took me in to an interrogation room and showed me the note she had left. The police didn't understand the note, but I did. I had to sit there for 45 minutes and explain it to them. My mother's roommate was left with everything and in the note it said that I wasn't to get anything and I had no rights over what happened to her after death. I was a good daughter, but my mom had been plagued with "emotional pain" for all of her life. The possessions didn't matter, and honestly I wasn't up for making arrangements. I really had no idea what I was doing, what I was suppose to do, the day went on very slowly and I remember being so confused all day. I was just a robot that day and days after, part of me was just void and didn't know how to feel. I went on the emotional roller coaster for a while, months. 3 months after my mom's passing I spent time in the mental hospital, I really thought everyone would be better of without me too. It's been one year now, it's been very hard but each day gets a tiny bit "better". Each day I wake up and life somehow goes on- it has to. I have 3 wonderful children who love me and I love them. In the last year my son graduated from high school and started college this fall. All 3 of them went to prom and they all 3 looked stunning! There has been so many things she has missed, there will be more. xoxox Jeannie
  5. Heldransom, I'm sorry you have these feelings. My mother committed suicide last year. I have no idea what she was thinking. Earlier this year I had a melt-down and ended up "vacationing" in the mental ward of our hospital. Life really is worth living. I know at times it seems so hard and it may seem like there is nothing to live for but believe me, life changes so quickly and one day this pain will be behind you. Keep posting and please keep talking.People do really care!!! Jeannie
  6. Why does it say I'm offline when I'm online? lol

  7. My brother

    Cece, We are here for you. We feel your pain. Take your time and we will still be here. Hugs! Jeannie
  8. Halloween- they are now selling decorations!

    Thank you Val, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, I really have no idea what I would do without my husband especially now. Normally the kids and I decorate and go all out for Halloween, I would start decorating early October and by the last day our house looked and felt "haunted"- lol. My mother said I always went over board for the holidays. Well between Halloween and Thanksgiving- it's just too hard to pull it together this year- as last year's Thanksgiving was the first without her living. To my surprise I some how survived the holidays but late January of this year it all caught up with me and I spent a few days away from my family. I was put in the hospital for extreme mental "issues". My fear was that my husband would leave me there- lol- I have no idea why I felt that at the time- I was a bit loopy emotionally. They put me on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and I did feel "better". Just still felt "lost" without my mom there to even "fight" with if needed. She was a fighter- I don't know why she did what she did, it makes almost no sense. Thank you for this site! Jeannie
  9. Thank you ModKonnie, I appreciate your advice. I have, however, been in therapy- many times since I was 15 years old when I had become a ward of the state. The therapist I have been seeing knows a lot, if not "all" of my mother's and my past. Many things were documented in my childhood for the things she did, and she always tells me she would be angry and hurt beyond belief too if she was in my shoes. My therapist is young and sometimes I wonder if she has had the "experience". Yes, it has been brought up but just recently, that my mother had displayed "bi-polar" like symptoms, but I have no idea what "bi-polar" is and what it means. I've met people who say they have this and seem completely fine and happy people. Of course I don't know what happens when I'm not around them. I've tried to research it and it didn't really tell me a whole lot of what I really want to know. I don't want to be angry with my mother, I know the darkness she had to endure in her childhood and I have always found a way to use that to forgive her doings. But my heart and soul still ache for the mom and dad and siblings I never got to experience because of my mother and her actions, thoughts, and stubborn jealousy. Some things are hard to "get over". Jeannie
  10. My mother committed suicide October 28th, 2011. I have enough issues with this, but Menards and Walmart are already selling decorations and such for this holiday in August. Just another reminder it will soon be 1 year. It wasn't but just another average day, my husband and I had to go to Menards to purchase things for a project we were working on. We went in and got a cart- walking around I stumbled across that section of the store for seasonal items- I was so caught of guard, I started to shake and bawl. I couldn't find the restroom fast enough. My husband was on the other side of the store ordering sheetrock and had no idea where I was. Panic struck me knowing he wouldn't be able to find me and I needed his arms. I was a mess and couldn't bear walking through the store as disheveled as I was. I had to wait until he came to find me. By that time my make up was gone and my hair was a mess. He had to escort me to the truck and go back and finish our purchases.
  11. Divorce

    Greetings, I hope this didn't happen to you but I can relate a bit. My husband and I both play World of Warcraft, there were times in our marriage we believe that the game saved our marriage because it was a similar interest that we could always turn to and play together. That is the good part- the bad part is that we did get so involved into the game that we ignored other things in our lives. We still play, just not as much and hardcore as we had once did. Jeannie
  12. Divorce

    Greetings, I hope this didn't happen to you but I can relate a bit. My husband and I both play World of Warcraft, there were times in our marriage we believe that the game saved our marriage because it was a similar interest that we could always turn to and play together. That is the good part- the bad part is that we did get so involved into the game that we ignored other things in our lives. We still play, just not as much and hardcore as we had once did. Jeannie
  13. Good afternoon, I'm new here and hoping this will help me in some way, shape or form. My name is Jeannie and I lost my mother to suicide in October 2011. I'm still in "shock", I have gone through total emotion over load to being angry, to now not really knowing "how" to feel and it's running over now on to my loving husband and my three teenagers who feel the pain too. It's a 3 year long drawn out story that I can't talk about just yet, it hurts too much. It's all so confusing that I just don't understand why my mother could have taken her own life and not thinking of her grandchildren or me- her only daughter. She was 66 years old, she took a bunch of pills and got into her bath tub full of water. Her roommate found her and didn't even call me, she called my cousin first and my cousin didn't even call me. They sent out a policeman to our door at 5:00 am. I had to hear it from an emotionless stranger in a uniform who didn't even stick around to explain how it happened. I had to wait until 10:00 am that morning to go to the police station to get a copy of her note she left to hear what all had happened. The other part of this is that she wasn't one of those "loving" moms who cared about others' feelings. She said what she thought and didn't care to sugar coat anything. As a child she had been abused and showed the same to me, I had taken myself out of her care when I was 15 and found religion in foster homes. When I was 18 I went back and we had a "relationship"- but it wasn't mom/daughter. I grew up and found my husband, we had 3 children and that had seemed to change my mom into a Grandma, she LOVED playing with the kids when they were little. Life for all of us changed for the better. Love evolved. I had a mom who did finally care enough at least for my children. I did find love for my mom and she for me, but she had always let me know I was an "opps" and unwanted. She told me a lot I have never needed to know. My mom left everything to her roommate and the roommates family. I don't care about the money- there wasn't any. I do care about my mom's possessions, I wanted a shirt she had almost always worn- they bagged up her belongings and got rid of them, sold them and dispersed them between my aunts and uncles but even they left me out of it all. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I miss her and I don't. I love her and I don't. I'm angry with her for leaving me but I'm not. How can I get on with my life and stop all the confusing pain? Thank you for reading, Jeannie
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