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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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trawna

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About trawna

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    Member

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  • ICQ
    5145682

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Brampton, Ontario, Canada
  • Interests
    reading, mysteries, dogs, history, psychology, particle physics, current events
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    April 30, 2009

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Professor
  • First Name
    Jane
  • Country
    Canada
  1. Hello Ace, I am so sorry about your loss and also about the vandalism and theft at your vacation home. The latter was despicable and I do hope they catch the perps. It just adds insult to injury. Let me echo previous commenters that there is absolutely no rush at all. After what will for me be 8 years at the end of this month, I still have some of my husband's things in the house, and after this length of time I am with peace with those that remain here. I gave over these many years a number of his things to his brothers, his nephews, and to his good friends, but did it only when I felt comfortable with it. For example only, I gave his brother all his fishing gear and tackle and his camping gear and his boat to his brother, with whom he shared a passion for fishing and the great outdoors almost immediately after his death. I gave one of our neighbours (and our close friends) friends his tools and woodworking materials after about 6 months, because he was the go-to guy when my husband had a big job to do. I gave a number of his other various personal items and jewelry to people who were important to him in one way or another over the next few years, I gave many pieces of his jewelry, over time, to my daughter and son-in-law, and had his wedding ring (the match to mine) resized to fit my daughter and she wears it always. The important thing is to do what you think he would like you to do, and only when you are ready. His clothes went to a charity that he supported. And, as I say, I still come across some of his things, and I still have son]me things that he cherished that I will likely never part with. My heart is with you, I hope you will live with peace and in the knowledge that whatever you do, you know what will be right when the time comes.
  2. What is "actively" grieving?

    One thing I found was "active" grieving was talking about it. Talking to my husband's relatives and friends, talking to my friends and family, and talking completely honestly too ... not just about how I felt, but also about the bad things, the bad times, the resentment I had about being left behind to mourn, about the disappointments, and also about what I had wished for us, what I had wanted. Talking about the good times was fine, but it took talking about the bad times too that really helped me release. I hope you find solace and some sort of peace with your grief,
  3. A Physicist's Eulogy

    I have been an atheist for over 60 years. I find comfort in the basic premise that everything that is matter can become energy. I think that somewhere in some universe our energy still exists, not as we were. but as energy of some sort. Just before my husband died, (he was a Star Trek fan) I asked him to save a place for me beside him for the journey, and he smiled and nodded ... our last communication. Not rational perhaps, but it has helped me every day since he died. May you all find peace of mind, and the courage to go on living. I am not angry any more, I accept death as a part of life in our present form. I do not expect to reconnect in any way to those who have died, that is not a part of my belief system , But I do think that energy survives, at least on some level, and will welcome whatever that is when it comes, without regret. My thoughts are with all of you who grieve for what was, but please think of what wonderful possibilities there may be. And if there are none, so be it, we will not miss anything if that is the case.
  4. Morning blues

    The only way I was able to cope with that morning feeling was to get up and plunge into a shower and then do something (anything) to get me out of the door immediately. Even if it was just go and get a coffee at the local Tim Horton's (or Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts or whatever), Once I got outside and got my day got started, I was able to distract myself enough to deal with the rest of the day. Good luck.
  5. I agree with you all ... and would add only that the mental intimacy (as KMB said) is for me a huge loss.
  6. Rock Bottom Feeling - Does it Get Better

    Dear Francine, It does get better, it really does. My husband's transition date is now almost 8 years ago, and it has changed. Do I still cry ... yes, of course, you never stop missing your partner, your children's father, your best friend. But it does get better, much better. As KMB said, be patient with yourself. I did think I might be suffering from dementia also, and maybe I really was. I had panic attacks too, even just going to the grocery store or the pharmacy or even when I was alone at home at night. But I promise you that it will be better. Just try to put one foot in front of the other and concentrate on what you still have, not on what you have lost. Most of us have so many things that remain in our lives to be grateful for ... friends, family, work, food on the table, our own health, our memories. So stay the course, it's not easy but you will get though this and come out the other side with gratitude for what you have and what you have had. Be strong and know that those of us who have travelled this path are holding your hand as you walk it.
  7. I tried my MD, a grief counsellor, a psychologist and a group, and found nothing that worked except two dear friends and two family members who were simply empathetic and willing to listen thoughtfully and spend what were (for them, I am sure) some difficult discussions. I hope you will find some who will help you with sharing your feelings and helping you work through not only your grief but also, if you are anything like I was, your fears, anger and resentment, because I had a lot of all of those things too, in addition to grief. If you can find someone who can help you work through all of that, I hope you will find peace at last. My heart goes out to you.
  8. Dear Willowgirl, Please do not blame yourself. It was cancer that killed him, not you. Those of us who have been through this understand your feeling that we could have, should have, been able to change the outcome, but that is wishful thinking. Cancer is not influenced by our thoughts, and certainly not by our reactions, including our wishful denial of what its inevitable result may be. You cared for him, you nursed him, and you loved him ... that is what is the important thing. Getting him to hospital a few days sooner would not have changed the outcome, as I am sure his doctor would tell you. Your grief is totally real and understandable, but you must not blame yourself. Please share here, we understand how you feel and we are here to support you, Be as strong as you can, and know that you did all you could possibly do. I am sure your positive "we will get over this" attitude during his illness comforted your husband in many ways. Please love yourself and take care of yourself now.
  9. Desolation

    Daf, I cannot even begin to tell you how desolated you must feel, but you really need to carry on, you still have a whole life ahead of you, no matter how impossible that must seem to you now. You are 32. I lost my mother at your age, then my father, and my husband. But all I can say to comfort you is that at 70+ what I remember is the good parts before, and I have reconstructed my life slowly, but constantly, so that I now feel that I have now had a wonderful life despite all the pain. Please persevere. Think of others, help others, be there for your friends, be kind, be tolerant, be forgiving of everyone ... it takes time, it may well take counselling, but do it! You are worth it, and eventually you will realise that it WAS worth it. My thoughts are with you as you struggle through. It is hard, but you are strong, and you will find it was worth the struggle in the end.
  10. 42 Years together, now he's gone

    I am so sorry HD. I understand your pain. I lost my husband of 39 years in 2009 after a battle of 20 years with kidney cancer and then lung cancer. And he did not want to go either, he fought it to the bitter end. I do understand your pain, your sense that there is nothing left. I too kept our house because it was an important part of our lives and he loved it. I understand your despair of the future without him, I too have felt the same way. He cannot be replaced, and perhaps that is rightfully so. But please be assured that you will endure and survive the devastation that I am sure you feel right now. It took me five long years (and I know for others it has taken less and for some of us longer) but I do know your husband would want you not only to survive, but also to thrive. It may seem almost an impossible task now, but slowly you will be able to get your own life back. It will certainly be different, but it can be a good life, a worthwhile life, and eventually a happy life. Your best memories will remain, but the pain will lessen and your joy in the times you have had with him will become precious memories. Please do not despair, you will get though this, unlikely as it may seem. Grit your teeth, set your priorities, ensure your financial well-being as best you can. (Remember, less people in the house means less housework!) You don't need to re-create yourself, you just need to remember that you were always a wonderful worthwhile person,and that you remain so. You are, and always have been your own keeper and although it may be difficult, after having a helpmeet for so long, you are still the capable woman you always were, and you will not only survive but also thrive. There are many thins that you could start with but I cannot give you suggestions as I do not know you, but can only suggest that you look into yourself and decide who you are and what you would be happy doing/. Is it volunteering? Is it meeting new people? Is it spending more time with family? Is it travelling? Is it joining a support group for widows? Is it learning something new and taking courses? I of course do not know, but do think of what you can and could have done if you had been on your own before this time, or even during the time you were married but had other priorities at the time. My heart goes out to you, and I can only hope that you will get through the totally tough times that follow your loss and that you will find a path that makes you truly happy again. I assure you, you will not forget the wonderful times you have had, but there are also good times in your future. My very best to you, I am thinking of you and hope that you will be strong and will get through this most difficult time and come out of it stronger. My best to you.
  11. Thoughts of just getting away...

    I tried this, but for me it was not a happy experience, as all I thought of was how much I would have enjoyed it if only I had my husband with me. Two years later, I was okay with a cruise, and five years later I actually took a trip I enjoyed. I think it depends totally on what will work for you. Do what you feel will be best ,,, getting away from everything, or aiting for a while. But certainly experiencing new things does help to refocus on your new life.
  12. Other Peoples Choices ...

    You are so right, only you can make this decision. I thought (before he died) that I would have to move, as I could not bear the thought of staying in our house when he was no longer here. After he died, my MD suggested I wait at least 6 months before doing anything about the house, and that if I could not take staying there that long that I should not sell it before the 6 month period, and then decide. I changed bedrooms, and I was also fortunate enough to have my daughter stay with me for almost two months after my husband passed, so I did not have to be there all alone immediately. After she went home, I was still convinced I would move, but, following my MDs advice I simply started to prepare for a move. First priority was to make improvements (that I had been putting off whilst he was so sick) and so I replaced the siding, repaved the driveway, and had the whole house re-carpeted and repainted. I di the usual things that real estate folks tell you to do ... and, interestingly enough, I discovered during the process that I now felt more personally invested in the house, and started to see it as "my house" and less like "our home". When all the staging for the move was finished ... it no longer seemed like such a priority, so I thought I would wait another 6 months and see how I felt then. I had considered moving into a duplex with another widowed friend of mine, but as time passed, I realized that I really did not want to have to go back to joint decision-making, and then amazingly that the house actually suited my needs ... close to work, knew the neighbours, had some friends and family relatively nearby, had my MD and dentist locally, knew the local shops, quiet and mature neighbourhood, small enough that I could handle most of it by myself, and it was mortgage-free so for finances it remained manageable., and so on. Finally, after even more time and more thought, I decided I would stay at least for the immediate future. Now, 7 years after my husband's passing, I find that I no longer wish to move, as I have all here that I want. I adopted a dog 3 years after my husband's passing, so the back yard and the location of the house (near a small lake and a local leash-free dog park) was now of greater importance, and I hired out for the stuff that physically I could not do (age 70+ with both osteo- and rheumatoid arthritis and an artificial hip) like lawn-mowing and driveway shovelling. Financially I was fortunate to be able to cover the extra costs of that, thanks to being mortgage-free. But of course, everyone's situation is different. Where I lived and with my situation, the house had a lot of good things that worked well for me. With other circumstances, I would no doubt have made a totally different decision. My very recently widowed friend really did not like her neighbourhood or her house (they had moved from their original home about 7 years ago) and she has already decided that the house is too big and too distant from close friends and family, etc. etc., and she has already, after only 4 months, put her house on the market and is downsizing significantly to get rid of the financial costs, and she will be moving back to the town where she and her husband lived previously. Others have decided to move into apartments or condominiums where everything major is taken care of. Do just be sure that you have a goal in mind, whatever that may be, so that you don't move just because of your current grief, be sure that you have a life goal in mind if and when you move, and I am sure you will make the right choice for you and your son. Thinking of you.
  13. Now What Do I Do?

    PS: "I never want to even try to love someone as much as I love her" If you need to try, then it isn't real. Just let it be, if you wind up falling in love with another (as well as her) you will not have to try, you will just do so! I promise you that this will be true, so don't try, just be open and be true to yourself.
  14. Now What Do I Do?

    Jeff I am very glad that you were able to talk to your counsellor and talking about your feelings are so very important. I was lucky enough to have a daughter to whom I could open my heart and it was the very best thing I could do, because there is, along with the grief, also the guilt, t he guilt that somehow you could have, or should have, or didn't do all the things that you now wish you had done, I know that before I could deal with my true grief, I had to also confront this guilt. It might be silly, but I do think that every one of us who has lost a dear one still thinks of these things, and it continually interferes with our abilities to work through our grief in a positive way. One of my friends has just recently lost her husband and she and I have discussed this issue, and she, too, has this incredible but real guilt (and, to be totally clear, resentment) about issues that were unresolved between them at the time of his death. While there is nothing that one can do about these "would've, should've, didn't" things, we all feel guilt about them, no matter how trivial they may have seemed at the time they happened, but afterward they tend to haunt us. These do not make you a bad person, they just make you a human. My thoughts are with you as you go through this painful journey.
  15. Now What Do I Do?

    Jeff, I lost my husband of 39 years in 2009 to lung cancer, and so I have a certain understanding of your situation, although I know that each of us is different and we act and react in very different ways. I do hope you were able to discuss this openly with your grief counsellor. I had no desire for physical contact, so I cannot comment on that, but I do understand the deep need for comfort and consolation that you felt. I am glad that you recognised your actions were not the way to deal with the pain you are feeling, and I hope your grief counsellor will be able to help you to deal with your feelings in a way which will not let you feel guilty and so lost. Please trust me that you will be able to feel love again ... it may take a long time but please be patient with yourself. You need more time, perhaps a lot more time, and it will not be easy, but you WILL get through this, and you will be able top create new relationships with others that will bring you happiness without ever losing forgetting your love for the love you have lost. in the meantime, while you heal, do not rush into anything. Take a deep breath, take time, and take care of yourself. I know you will come out of this with a greater understanding and appreciation of your own strength and your own ability to control your destiny. Your honesty speaks to your sincerity. Kind thoughts are sent your way.
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