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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

blujonny

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About blujonny

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Not Telling
  • Loss Type
    Death of father
  • Angel Date
    August '10

Converted

  • Last Name
    Morris
  • First Name
    M
  • Zip
    84101
  • Country
    USA
  1. Still trying to fight my own demons.

    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. If you ever want to talk I pop in and out of the chat room during the day or you could message me a time and I could plan on being online then.
  2. Hi Lindsay, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My father passed away 2 years ago, I've been on this board along with others for just a short while now. Possibly you're having some obvious difficulty with all the emotional disturbance of what's happened to you, as well as the drama of it all. It can't be easy. We all have our different stories on here to tell but somehow grief is familiar to all of us it seems. You might find, like myself, that most members here on this site have a lot of empathy for our unique grief situations and continue to check up to see how we're doing. It's a valuable feeling and it's a bonus to being here. Beyond that, it's figuring out how to feel after all of this and possibly discovering a way to know what to do from here somehow. I wonder if we ever feel in control of it. This feeling of loss. Maybe we wonder how can we feel some kind of reassurance after all of this? It hurts and it's uncomfortable. What do we want to talk about, what don't we? Can we talk through the pain? How can talking help? How do we find the time to grieve properly? I suppose sometimes it's hard to know what you need or want most at this point going forward. Blujonny
  3. After finally getting fed up of dealing with a lot of emotional anxiety the last almost 3 years since my father passed and after sifting through a lot of sessions with a handful of counselors earlier, I finally decided to do my own research to figure out how to handle things, how to figure out specifically what was going on with me. For over 2 years now I have been dealing with internal almost underneath emotional 'adrenalin rush' like symptoms whenever I was to see certain people in public or images of people on the internet. And these adrenalin like rushes caused my mind to create almost bizarre images in my mind, things that scared me, humiliated me and so on. Out of all the counselors I had only once did any counselor mention 'hyperarousal' and that was like for a quick minute or so. But what I found was that extreme emotions, especially ones that have been suppressed for years and seem to come to the surface can create a 'hyperarousal' in us where the mind looks for the cause of danger and in turn can manifest certain images in our head as a result of making a specific or random danger manifest itself, though it may be a bizarre interpretation if that makes any sense. When I just found this out it makes me question the actual empathetical competence of most counselors in their ability to actually settle the minds of those grieving rather than diagnose, label and spew clinical information to us like students in a classroom. I finally feel like I can take a deep breath and realize that I don't have to judge myself or live under a cloud of shame day after day. I think all counselors/therapists should get away from the psychobabble, the advice giving, the empty sympathy behind the 'give it time' and other general diagnosis methods and invest in more empathetic measures and actually learn how to explain to those who are grieving what is specifically happening to them, even down to getting to the root of their specific emotional suffering. Just my thoughts. Anyone else feel like you're on your own in the healing process?
  4. I'm tired

    Emotional frustrations can be tough..
  5. I'm tired

    I suppose what I was getting at was being aware from the viewpoint of your emotions rather than the judgments of everything. It seems like you're caught up in the judging of your grief. I think most of us get caught up in the judgments of everything but have a hard time describing their emotions in the moment without allowing their judgments of things steer things into the extreme, it can be painful, I know I've been through it.
  6. I'm tired

    Widower2, it sounds like you're seeing a lot right now through the lens of your emotions, I'm not sure if you are aware of your emotions as you announce all these tirednesses. I wonder if your emotions are mostly ignored and they need to be reassured somehow.
  7. My son is going to die....

    To go from an emotional attachment like you have with your child to a kind of detachment sounds extremely difficult. I'm not sure if there is anything else anywhere that can be done for your child.
  8. I thought I'm better.... but I don't think I am.

    It sounds like you're seeing a lot through the lens of your worrying right now. It seems somewhat extreme for you.
  9. I can't believe it's only been two weeks for you...it sounds so fresh. I'm sure it's wondering how to close that wound too. I mean how do we look at all our emotions without feeling overwhelmed, without the hurt that somehow latches itself to everything right now. I know when I see nostalgic things in mind and those feelings that come with it...those subtle reminders that must be joy, yet here comes the uncomfortable feelings and then the need to almost turn away, we feel that deep sigh...maybe a deep moan within and we try to squeeze back any essence of moisture from developing in our eyes. Am I doing my best? I often ask, I mean surely I should be able to look at memories...to feel and to be able to somehow manage the process better. Should we be that afraid of what's going on inside ourselves? I'm not sure if it's an easy answer or solution but sometimes I do feel like I need to come to terms with it better. I hate not being able to look at memories without some kind of edge to them.
  10. just thinking out loud today...

    Sometimes the best relationships are the ones that seem be concentrated into a short amount of time for some reason. I can't imagine the emotional loss you feel, mine is more based on the feeling of being a child and losing the adoring qualities of a parent. I wonder if there is a story to tell about who she was, I know sometimes my dad's story makes me feel proud that I knew such a person and it helps in its own unique way I suppose.
  11. can't stop the crying again

    I think sometimes the amount of thoughts running through our heads after a loss, on a daily, even hourly basis nonetheless, is overwhelming even for those who have the right kind of outlets to express what they're feeling all the time. It's plain and simple emotional overwhelm and it definitely leads us to a place of drain and darkness, eventually just plain exhaustion. I think our minds do their best to cope, after all they are designed for survival, but confusion sets in when they are left to try to handle emotional overload without any outside help. Different days mean focusing on different things and maybe that's the reason for the ups and downs. If we could always express in every moment how we are feeling to people we trust and to people we feel can truly empathize I think all of us would feel a lot different about the grieving process.
  12. It sounds like it was kind of a risk to take on someone like that in your life, especially not knowing just what you were getting into.
  13. It seems like you know exactly how to describe what your dealing with. The comparison between your dad then and your dad now really gets to the heart of it, especially with the conflicted sense of relationship and now the need to have some final judgment over it. It sounds like your mind is grabbing at everything and anything to try and gain some kind of comfort as if he's still here somewhere. And it sounds like a fight against how your emotions are pulling you down and not being able to grasp your motivations anymore and to know where they went. I mean where did all the normalcy go? Maybe somewhere there's a belief, there's a hope in something...but it sounds like there's a need somewhere to connect somehow, it seems like that need...it's so blatantly there...like some big light is shining right on it.
  14. I can't imagine the back and forth of your emotions right now scout. It sounds like your heart is sinking like never before into a deeper sense of uncertainty. It's like we're staring vacantly out a window where everything we look at is through a lens of sorrow. I'm not sure if there's ever a 'why couldn't things have been different?' or something else that goes along with it. The pain behind your despondent eyes says it all and I can't even imagine deep within, the confusion, the angst, the sense of losing control inside. It's like a kind of hopelessness sets in. Compared to before, will it ever be the same again? Your emotions must seem so different now and we want to feel like we used to don't we? I know I do. We wish to change things, it's like if we want to we can still remember, it's like they're still in our lives and sometimes their memories are still fresh somehow. But we want to put it all in perspective, we want to reach out and try to change the way things happened. We have to feel differently about it all somehow. All the things they meant to us, how they loved us, the favorite things they would say to us, favorite moments, important things that were said, that were expressed, maybe down to feelings that were unexpressed but we knew all the same...just that feeling of what was once shared between siblings. It's all still a part of us somehow and memories somehow can feel so much more powerful. It's finding how to not be afraid to feel the pleasant, subtle happiness of those memories. And remembering that it's always important to fight to remember these memories without clouding them because what may not be now, the closeness we once we felt is definitely different now. It's for all intents and purposes a challenge. And yet we cope...somehow. They are still special, they were never meant to be forgotten, maybe things have become rare but they are still here with us somehow. Can we ever move on? I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. We just have to cherish them always and know that what once was has its own special meaning to us, for now, for always, for all time.
  15. I'm wondering if this was someone with a strong personality...someone that you also felt you could help? Your boyfriend I mean.
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