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Sholl1955

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About Sholl1955

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
  • Loss Type
    Daughter 33 years old
  • Angel Date
    03-14-2012

Converted

  • Last Name
    Holland
  • First Name
    Sandra
  • Zip
    46814
  • Country
    USA

Recent Profile Visitors

2,789 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good evening all. You have all been in my thoughts and have been reading. Thank you Kate and Dee for thinking of me. Things are hard right now with alot of loss. It has made me miss Sarah so much and l long to see her and hear her voice. But as Kate has said, we have to live life the best we can. One step at a time. So while I am in a very sad place right now, I know that it will get better and that I will be ok. There are some tough things to go through yet in the next weeks, but I will be back and share as I am able. My thoughts and prayers are with you all as we go through the holidays. Have a restful night. Sandy
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, I have been reading and my thoughts and prayers are with everyone struggling with the holidays approaching. I have found that every year is different . This is our 6th Christmas without Sarah. I have put up a tree and decorated every year, but this year I just don't have it in me. I will celebrate with the family and enjoy thiers. I am learning that it is ok to do what I feel able to do and not what may e expected OF me. We had yet another death in the family. A week ago my Husbands oldest sister died. She had a stroke. She was 85 and lived a good lfe, but will be missed. The funeral was yesterday in Indianapolis 2 hours away. I decided we needed to take my hubby as this may be the last time he will be able to travel or even know his siblings. It was a difficult day. We went with Rachel and her van was more comfortable than my Saturn, which was good. He did know we were at her funeral and he seemed to enjoy seeing his sisters, but he was detached from what was going on around him in a way only dementia can manifest. May be a blessing. He was very confused with awful mobility ability. A clear indication that we will not be traveling much more. My two very close friends battling cancer are not doing well at all. The young woman, Heather, is good friends of Rachel and Sarah and is like another daughter to me and her mom is my closest friend and they watched as we went through our loss and are now living it themselves. It breaks my heart to watch and to know what the days ahead hold for them. She hopes to make it until Christmas is over, but I don't know if she will be here that long. She is so sick. The other friend Deb, has an agfressive lung cancer and her outcome is also very poor also. So much pain. Tomorrow is Sarah's 39th birthday. She has been gone 5 1/2 years but it seems like just yesterday, yet at times much longer. I have always worked on her birthday and the anniversary of losing her and have been fine with that, but I feel as if I need to take the day off this year, so I am off tomorrow. Maybe reliving hard memories are making it more difficult. I so want to feel her presence. I have no clue what I am going to do but will do something to honor my girl. Maddie and Becca will be spending the night and they like having a birthday cake for their mama, so I will get a small cake and we will celebrate her . My thoughts and prayers are with each of you. I am so thankful I found this site and feel close to everyone here. Have a restfull night. Sandy
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good evening all, I have been reading every day and am blessed to belong to this group. Things have been a bit crazy here. We of course are still adjusting to life without my brother Randy. We didn't see each other enough as life takes over and keeps everyone so busy, but knowing there are no more chances...... Well, you all know. Unfortunately the pain and hurt continues on. My best friend's daughter who was so close to Sarah and Rachel and I is losing her battle with cancer. She is like another daughter and her mom my best friend and it is so painful to watch them both go through what we did with Sarah. While I want to be right beside them through it all, there are some things that need to be just for family so I step aside when I need to, But I am here for her and pray that I won't let her down when she needs me. She was there for me with Sarah even though she didn't totally understand. Then another close friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer with poor prognosis and is not likely to be around long. Then this week our pastor had a very serious surgery and is not doing well. His kidneys have completly shut down and while they are doing dialysis, he is still unresponsive and things do not look good. Of course this brings memories and longing for Sarah, and feels overwhelming but I am taking it one day at a time and trusting God to help me be there for my friends as I am able. So much pain and loss. I do get the award this week for being the most uncoordinated person around. Last night I took a nasty fall and hurt many parts of my body and most likely have a concussion but at least nothing is broken just alot of healing to do. I was just moving too fast and not paying attention and I think tripped over my own two feet. Klutzy! And the real topper is I had just received a special mat to put beside my hubby's bed that will alert me when he gets up in the night because his balance has gotten so bad and he is starting to get up at night and I wasn't hearing him, so I bought this to hear him so he won't fall!!!!! Poor man, he has an impaired caregiver and has no choice but to trust me:-) But in the midst of all the pain, there are blessings daily, and one is my Becca sleeping here in my room tonight. Maddie had an overnight birthday party with a friend (they are growing so fast) so it is a rare time for us to not have both of them, but Becca was loving the one on one attention. Then tomorrow we will see Rachel's 3, Sierra, Jackson and Katie as well as Maddie. We are truly blessed. Well, I need to take this sore old body to bed. Have a restful night and thanks for putting up with another rambling message from me. Sandy
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, I have been reading and and thinking of everyone. This site is certainly a lifeline to all of us that have have lost our beloved children. I am very grateful for the support and love extended to all who come here. This week has been a tough one after burying my brother. It has brought so many feelings and pain to the surface as is expected as we grieve another. Nothing compares to the loss of our children, but it hurts none the less. I am very concerned about my 14 year old nephew tonight. I just spoke with my sister and they have been having trouble with him and tonight he took some drugs along with alcohol and is in bad shape. They have not taken him to the hospital because his dad thinks he is coming down from it and there is no need to take him. I encouraged my sister to take him as kids are dying everyday from overdosing. Last week one of our schools had 3 kids overdose in the morning at school from drugs they took after they got to school. and one of my nurses lost a nephew 3 weeks ago to an OD. The health commissioner was on tv last night warning parents about the dangerous things that are being added to these drugs that are taking our kids. I think my sister is in denial that he has been doing it and is convinced that this is the first time he has taken them. I so don't want her to have to join our group but I fear for my nephew. Thank you for letting me share. I needed a sounding board tonight. My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as you walk your own roads. Sandy
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good evening all. Randy's funeral was today. In our family there is always family drama going on, and today was no different. Don't know if other family's deal with any goofy family members at times like this or if we are just odd ducks. Of course I am becoming more and more a loner and prefer times to myself, so maybe that is why some of the silliness people get upset about irritate me. However he was laid to rest and I miss him. Of course it brought back memories of others we have lost over the past several years. I am very exhausted tonight an so will chat more tomorrow. Have a good night and thank you all for your kind worders and your prayers. Sanudy
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Randy passed away at 10:50. I knew he would not make it through the night but you are never ready to let go. My humble , sweet, funny, little brother has no more pain. I prayed that he would have a big welcoming committee. He had many there waiting on him. Sigh....................... Thank you for the kind words and prayers. Sandy
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Dee, prayers for your little guy. Kids are so resilient, he is probably causing you all gray hairs trying to keep him still. I went to see by brother this afternoon and his cancer has moved like wildfire. Probably only has at most hours left on this earth. My heart broke to see him so frail so near to the end. Since my Sarah died, we lost another of my brothers, my mother and now Randy. Also my dearest friend's daughter who is like a daughter to me has been fighting cervical cancer and chemo didn't help and it has moved to other parts of her body with a poor prognosis and she has 3 little ones. And, a good friend and coworker was diagnosed with lung cancer last week. I am so very tired of cancer, death and loss. Just needed to vent. Sandy
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina Thank you for the beauiful song!! Kate is also one of my favorites. It was good to hear tonight. Jessie, some of my most treasured items are from people that knew my Sarah and shared sweet memories of her and how she touched their lives,several from people whose lives she had touched that she never even knew. One was from a young man who took the time to drop a note off for us at the Hospice Home while we were experiencing her last hours. He shared how he knew her from school and was behind her by a couple of years. He shared how watching her in different circumstances and how she had touched his life and how her example and sweet spirit affected him even to that day. I know she did not know that she impacted anyone like that. She was unconscious but I read it to her. I pray she heard it. My only wish was that he would have come in and I could talk with him and hugged him for sharing that most precious story. We like to hear about our children, and what they mean to others and hear stories that we never knew about them. We can no longer make memories with them but oh how we love to hear people say their names and share. It is a comfort and reinforces that they have not been forgotten, which I think is a fear many of us carry with us. So, if you feel like you can, contact them and tell them how very much you loved and cared for their son and what he means to you even today. Just my thoughts. God Bless you for caring so much for his parents. Sandy
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. The song was beautiful. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sandy
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Leah, I am sorry you are going through more hard times. It is so hard to see our grandchildren hurt isn"t it. You are a good grandma and they know you love them. Prayers that your daughter will want to get help and for your grandchildren. Kate the pictures were lovely and the lake looks so peaceful. Wanted to transport myself to the lake and sit and take in the peace and beauty. Dee, think of you as you try to teach in this heat. Over 90 degrees. I loved the 70's we had a couple of weeks ago. My brother is still with us but each day he grows weaker. Hospice is keeping him comfortable and for that we are thankful. Well need to get some rest . Have a good evening. Sandy
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just stopping by to say hello and wish everyone a good evening. It has been a trying week . Monday we had a scare with my daughter Rachel. She suddenly had symptoms that looked like she was having a stroke and she experienced paralysis on her left side and it was very scary for a bit. At 36 years old it was terrifying for her. She looked at me while we were waiting on the ambulance and asked me if she was dying. I had to stay strong for her and reassured her but it was like a knife to my heart when she asked that question.However after testing she didn't have a stroke but a very weird Migraine that presents with stroke like symptoms at onset. I have never heard of this in all my years as a nurse. She had the headache all week but we are all very thankful that she is ok and symptoms are now gone. My younger brother was placed on Hospice yesterday. He has been battling lung cancer for the past 4 months and is losing the battle. I talked with him tonight and he is so sick. I don't think it will be long. Oh how I hate cancer. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Have a good Friday and weekend. Sandy
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

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  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Susan, I am so glad to hear from you and to know that you are ok. I am sure that everyone here has had you in their thoughts and prayers. This " family "is so close you just know others care. I am sorry to hear that your "Port A" took such a hard h :it. I know how much that area means to you. I am glad you were able to enjoy it there with family and friends recently. My prayers are with Texas. The reports of the damage and ongoing concerns is beyond comprehension. Dee, I am glad your son is healing well. Probably not as fast as he would like. It is normal for a person who has a heart attack to deal with anxiety and some depression after the attack. Having to take it easy is tough too. I know you are beyond busy right now with a new school year.. My Becca (just turned 9) started 3rd grade on the 16th. She told me this weekend that she "just loves her new grade" So thankful for good teachers. Things have been busy here. I had to take a national certification exam this week. Had a bit more anxiety about it than I expected and asked myself in the middle of it why someone my age was doing this.:-) But I passed and as I tell the girls, we are never too old to learn. Not sure they believe me though.. Went to Becca's birthday party yesterday. I don't go to their house often. They usually come to our house. I have to be honest that I do not really enjoy going there. They bought the house in the midst of Sarah's chemo and it had a basement apartment in it that we moved into to be able to help her and after her reconstruction she was going to be there and help with her dad. But, when the cancer came back it, she went down so quickly. She didn't really have too many good memories in the house as she was so sick. As I sat there yesterday and looked around I remembered shopping with her to get curtains and household items and heard the dreams she had for her new home. She loved being a hostess and having people in her home. But she didn't get to finish her plans for the house and couldn't even enjoy her home much. It was really hard to be there yesterday and that spot in my heart that sometimes breaks open and bleeds at unexpected times, did. I was however able to not let anyone know and Becca had a wonderful celebration although she also missed mama. Today I am tired and sad but know that this is all part of carrying and juggling the grief and that that it just has to be gone through. Thank you for letting me share my heart. Sandy
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, I started a post about a week ago and fell asleep while writing it and never finished it. I have been very busy lately and have not been able to get on and read or post as much but have now caught up on reading. Shannon, I am so sorry about your friend and am remembering you as well as her family in my prayers. Diane I can think of nothing that you ever said that would upset anyone, It is good to see you. Things have been very busy around here. Thanks Kate and Dee for asking about us. Dementia is an ugly disease and we continue to travel this journey with Kelly. My heart has been missing my Sarah intensely the past couple of weeks and I think it is due to all the busyness and the needs of everyone at home and at work. It is nothing new and I know I will be better again. Well, I am rambling I think and am at risk for falling asleep again so will go for now. Please know I think of each of you daily and wish you a good rest and a good Sunday tomorrow. Sandy
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