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Sholl1955

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About Sholl1955

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Fort Wayne, Indiana
  • Loss Type
    Daughter 33 years old
  • Angel Date
    03-14-2012

Converted

  • Last Name
    Holland
  • First Name
    Sandra
  • Zip
    46814
  • Country
    USA

Recent Profile Visitors

2,756 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good evening all. Randy's funeral was today. In our family there is always family drama going on, and today was no different. Don't know if other family's deal with any goofy family members at times like this or if we are just odd ducks. Of course I am becoming more and more a loner and prefer times to myself, so maybe that is why some of the silliness people get upset about irritate me. However he was laid to rest and I miss him. Of course it brought back memories of others we have lost over the past several years. I am very exhausted tonight an so will chat more tomorrow. Have a good night and thank you all for your kind worders and your prayers. Sanudy
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Randy passed away at 10:50. I knew he would not make it through the night but you are never ready to let go. My humble , sweet, funny, little brother has no more pain. I prayed that he would have a big welcoming committee. He had many there waiting on him. Sigh....................... Thank you for the kind words and prayers. Sandy
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Dee, prayers for your little guy. Kids are so resilient, he is probably causing you all gray hairs trying to keep him still. I went to see by brother this afternoon and his cancer has moved like wildfire. Probably only has at most hours left on this earth. My heart broke to see him so frail so near to the end. Since my Sarah died, we lost another of my brothers, my mother and now Randy. Also my dearest friend's daughter who is like a daughter to me has been fighting cervical cancer and chemo didn't help and it has moved to other parts of her body with a poor prognosis and she has 3 little ones. And, a good friend and coworker was diagnosed with lung cancer last week. I am so very tired of cancer, death and loss. Just needed to vent. Sandy
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina Thank you for the beauiful song!! Kate is also one of my favorites. It was good to hear tonight. Jessie, some of my most treasured items are from people that knew my Sarah and shared sweet memories of her and how she touched their lives,several from people whose lives she had touched that she never even knew. One was from a young man who took the time to drop a note off for us at the Hospice Home while we were experiencing her last hours. He shared how he knew her from school and was behind her by a couple of years. He shared how watching her in different circumstances and how she had touched his life and how her example and sweet spirit affected him even to that day. I know she did not know that she impacted anyone like that. She was unconscious but I read it to her. I pray she heard it. My only wish was that he would have come in and I could talk with him and hugged him for sharing that most precious story. We like to hear about our children, and what they mean to others and hear stories that we never knew about them. We can no longer make memories with them but oh how we love to hear people say their names and share. It is a comfort and reinforces that they have not been forgotten, which I think is a fear many of us carry with us. So, if you feel like you can, contact them and tell them how very much you loved and cared for their son and what he means to you even today. Just my thoughts. God Bless you for caring so much for his parents. Sandy
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. The song was beautiful. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sandy
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Leah, I am sorry you are going through more hard times. It is so hard to see our grandchildren hurt isn"t it. You are a good grandma and they know you love them. Prayers that your daughter will want to get help and for your grandchildren. Kate the pictures were lovely and the lake looks so peaceful. Wanted to transport myself to the lake and sit and take in the peace and beauty. Dee, think of you as you try to teach in this heat. Over 90 degrees. I loved the 70's we had a couple of weeks ago. My brother is still with us but each day he grows weaker. Hospice is keeping him comfortable and for that we are thankful. Well need to get some rest . Have a good evening. Sandy
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just stopping by to say hello and wish everyone a good evening. It has been a trying week . Monday we had a scare with my daughter Rachel. She suddenly had symptoms that looked like she was having a stroke and she experienced paralysis on her left side and it was very scary for a bit. At 36 years old it was terrifying for her. She looked at me while we were waiting on the ambulance and asked me if she was dying. I had to stay strong for her and reassured her but it was like a knife to my heart when she asked that question.However after testing she didn't have a stroke but a very weird Migraine that presents with stroke like symptoms at onset. I have never heard of this in all my years as a nurse. She had the headache all week but we are all very thankful that she is ok and symptoms are now gone. My younger brother was placed on Hospice yesterday. He has been battling lung cancer for the past 4 months and is losing the battle. I talked with him tonight and he is so sick. I don't think it will be long. Oh how I hate cancer. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Have a good Friday and weekend. Sandy
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

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  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, Susan, I am so glad to hear from you and to know that you are ok. I am sure that everyone here has had you in their thoughts and prayers. This " family "is so close you just know others care. I am sorry to hear that your "Port A" took such a hard h :it. I know how much that area means to you. I am glad you were able to enjoy it there with family and friends recently. My prayers are with Texas. The reports of the damage and ongoing concerns is beyond comprehension. Dee, I am glad your son is healing well. Probably not as fast as he would like. It is normal for a person who has a heart attack to deal with anxiety and some depression after the attack. Having to take it easy is tough too. I know you are beyond busy right now with a new school year.. My Becca (just turned 9) started 3rd grade on the 16th. She told me this weekend that she "just loves her new grade" So thankful for good teachers. Things have been busy here. I had to take a national certification exam this week. Had a bit more anxiety about it than I expected and asked myself in the middle of it why someone my age was doing this.:-) But I passed and as I tell the girls, we are never too old to learn. Not sure they believe me though.. Went to Becca's birthday party yesterday. I don't go to their house often. They usually come to our house. I have to be honest that I do not really enjoy going there. They bought the house in the midst of Sarah's chemo and it had a basement apartment in it that we moved into to be able to help her and after her reconstruction she was going to be there and help with her dad. But, when the cancer came back it, she went down so quickly. She didn't really have too many good memories in the house as she was so sick. As I sat there yesterday and looked around I remembered shopping with her to get curtains and household items and heard the dreams she had for her new home. She loved being a hostess and having people in her home. But she didn't get to finish her plans for the house and couldn't even enjoy her home much. It was really hard to be there yesterday and that spot in my heart that sometimes breaks open and bleeds at unexpected times, did. I was however able to not let anyone know and Becca had a wonderful celebration although she also missed mama. Today I am tired and sad but know that this is all part of carrying and juggling the grief and that that it just has to be gone through. Thank you for letting me share my heart. Sandy
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hello all, I started a post about a week ago and fell asleep while writing it and never finished it. I have been very busy lately and have not been able to get on and read or post as much but have now caught up on reading. Shannon, I am so sorry about your friend and am remembering you as well as her family in my prayers. Diane I can think of nothing that you ever said that would upset anyone, It is good to see you. Things have been very busy around here. Thanks Kate and Dee for asking about us. Dementia is an ugly disease and we continue to travel this journey with Kelly. My heart has been missing my Sarah intensely the past couple of weeks and I think it is due to all the busyness and the needs of everyone at home and at work. It is nothing new and I know I will be better again. Well, I am rambling I think and am at risk for falling asleep again so will go for now. Please know I think of each of you daily and wish you a good rest and a good Sunday tomorrow. Sandy
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Stopping by tonight to share a little bit of my heart. I picked up my grandaughters after work today to spend the night with us. It has been a couple of weeks since they stayed so we all were looking forward to it. I picked them up and noticed right away that the youngest. Becca, 8 years old was not herself. She carried pain in her eyes that I have come to recognize since her mama died 5 years ago. As we drove home she said little. I asked her how she was doing and she didn't reply. Her sister, Maddie, age 10 spoke up and said that Becca cried at day camp today because she missed mama. When we got home and she snuggled and cried, she said she had been sad all week. She shared that she just wants her mama to hug her again. We talked about Sarah and how much she loved her. It amazes me the depth of the memories that these little girls have for being so young when she died. Becca was only 3, but she told me memories of her mama that were spot on. I am so blessed to have these beautiful little girls, and they are the light of our lives, but I feel so inadequate to really help them when the grief overcomes them. They are happy much of the time and have had good support in family and have had some counseling. However, just like us, they have times that just the pain of the loss comes crashing down. Little girls should not have to face life without their mama. Every milestone brings the glaring reality, that she is gone. As I watch them both sleep tonight II want to take the pain from them and make their world right again. But I can't. Please pray for my little girls tonight especially Becca. Thank you for listening. Sandy
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou ann, Take a breath, and know that you have not lost all of the ground that you have gained over the past 6 years. Finding the book and looking at it has brought everything back and I know it hurts like day one, I am sure that all of us have had this happen, I know I have and I think there will be times like this throughout our journeys that come rushing to the surface. We don't ever have "closure" because they are not with us, but you are going to be ok. Just stay with us and come here often and say whatever you want to say and know that we get it. We are here because it is not our time and there is still work for us to do. We are changed, not who we were before and we walk each day trying to get used to our new selves. Know that you are not alone, Sandy
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    I miss you tonight but I miss you every night As I look at the sky, and the stars I imagine you on the other side of the stars wondering what you are doing. My mind imagines you joyful, at peace and enjoying things that are beyond anything I can even imagine. You know we will be together again. I know it too, but I am impatient! My heart does not want to wait. But, I have a job yet to do here, and your sweet girls are part of that job. You are proud of them I know. I love you Sari Bear. Have a good rest. Love Mama
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good evening all, As I read tonight I can remember the early days, and the pain that comes with not only the loss that is beyond anything words can describe, but also the loss of those who held such significant places in my life and heart. Those that I KNEW would ALWAYS be in my life. There was no question in my mind that they would be there for me in the days ahead. But...... I was wrong. Some of these people were close family and some were close friends. Some of them I believe couldn't handle my pain, in fact my sister told me that very thing. Some wanted me to be "over it". Some wanted me to be "my old self". And some just didn't know what to say, and I think I made them uncomfortable because if it happened to us, it could happen to them. And some were grieving in their own way and some were just plain selfish and I could no longer focus on their needs. It was so very painful to need their support as they walked away. For those who are dealing with that now, I know that it hurts so much. But I also want you to know that when you are farther along you will be able to look back and see that even though there are those who stepped away, there are also those people who will come into your lives that you never expected, would be there for you . We are changed, and will never be the person we were before the loss of our child. For me, I find that I am now ok having just a couple of people that I am close to. They are the ones who have been here for the duration who have walked through the darkness with me without demanding anything and not needing to understand. I also have found that I prefer more alone time. The one relationship that I couldn't let go, which was the most painful of all was that for a time my youngest daughter turned away. It was her way of grieving for her sister and she still struggles but is back in our lives. So please keep coming here and sharing whatever you want to share. Sometimes just reading with those who totally understand is very helpful. And know that you will get through this one step at a time. I didnt' believe that at first. Sometimes you take 2 steps forward and then slide 5 steps back, but one day you will look back and see that the intervals are longer and that you are making progress. And know that we are here for you and that we understand. Have a restful night. Sandy
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    AmyAnne, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl, but am thankful that you found this site. You and I have alot in common. My Sarah died March 12th 2012. Her little girls were 3 and 5 at the time. It has been 5 years and I agree that the pain does not get better and it does not go away, but we go on and do what we have to do and learn how to live with the grief as part of us, because we have to. We are forever changed and have those days when the pain at times is as painful as the day they died. For the first year we lived with my son in law and helped with the girls . After a year we moved to an apartment but have kept close contact with our little ladies. We know we are very blessed to have our grandaughters don't we? But there comes a bittersweet with the blessings. The girls are 8 and 10 now and are such beautiful people. They are both so much like their mama in looks, mannerisms and ect and bring to mind long forgotten memories which cause happiness, joy and sometimes pain. They both remember thier mama and talk about her every single day. It amazes me how much they remember from such a short time with her. She poured her heart and soul into her girls and it has remained so strong. They love to hear stories about mama and to be told that they are just like she was. But the bittersweet moments come often too. Watching them find their way through every single monumental moment in their lives without her. School programs where mama's are everywhere and taking pictures and loving on their friends, and their mama is not there. Every holiday, Wanting her when they are sick or when they are sad. As much as we hold them and love them we know it is not nearly enough. But they know we love them. We do have to stay strong for them, but I don't feel as if it is wrong for them to see us cry, and to let them into our hurt at times. I think it gives them permission to cry, grieve and be able to talk about thier feelings and loss. AmyAnne, I dont think we are one bit weak as we work to help raise these precious girls and you have the full responsibility for yours. It takes great strength and love to get through each day one day at a time. It is ok for us to grieve in the middle of it all. I mess up alot going through this unwanted journey for sure. Just tonight I missed being able to go a play that my oldest grandaughter was in because my husband refused to go . I became really angry with him and was frustrated and hurt because I knew it meant so much to Maddie for us to be there. I couldn't let him know how upset I was as he has dementia and is not able to process why I was upset and I couldn't leave him alone. How awful is that, to get so upset with someone with dementia?????? But it happens, and I hate it when it does. But we are human and have feelings and reach our limits sometimes. I am definitly not going to make wife of the year for sure. You are doing great and I know that your little grandaughters are so blessed to have you. Keep coming to this site and share your heart. The people here "get it" and are invaluable. Have a restful evening.. Sandy
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