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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Lela

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About Lela

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Not Telling
  • Loss Type
    Fiance

Converted

  • Last Name
    Angus
  • First Name
    Rose
  • Zip
    92107
  • Country
    US
  1. What you just said here about everything with your fiance killing himself and how you were to him is the exact same thing i an going through now!! My fiance hung himself Nov, 21/2016, and intentionally  did it to where i would find him.. everything was fine so i thought,  he waited till i was asleep and then went and did that.. No goodbyes, no note saying why.. No nothing.. I'm devasated,..i feel i have nothing more to live for..i hate myself!!. I want to know why! I have read every thing i can get my hands on, and i know they all say it has to do with depression , but i want to know what particular thing that nite made him so that, it was no different, actually alot better than some of the arguments he started with me were. I need answers... I'm a complete Basket case, cause it plays over and over in my head. I go back days before in my head thinking of what could it be..i can't find any real sound reason.. So i guess it is and was my fault...i mean his parents are blaming me to.. So he'll if you can't beat them, join them right...

  2. I lost my fiance about a month ago. Actually I can tell you the exact date, time, etc, but it doesn't really matter. I feel like the minutes, seconds, and hours take an eternity to pass, but the days seem to have passed so fast. The whole situation is like two opposing feelings and thoughts and realities competing with each other. We had been together for 8 years, living together for all but a few months during that time. It was amazing. Well almost 8 years. We were just shy of our 8th anniversary, but what the hell, I'm rounding up. The shitty thing is, we ended it with a fight. An argument that felt no different than any other argument. I thought nothing of it. It had been so long since he talked about his feelings. In fact he rarely talked about his feelings. I always had to beg it out of him. I figured we were engaged, we had a fantastic time over the holidays, we were planning on buying a house, everything was going well. I was so complacent. And now, now, I feel this infinite guilt. He texted me that night after the argument, I love you, I'm so sorry. What did I do? I sat on my ass, feeling stubborn as hell. I wasn't going to give in that easily. What the hell did I have to say sorry for? Yup, that's right. I just sat there feeling self righteous while he was tormented. And now, he's gone. Would a simple, I love you, have killed me to text? I know I didn't physically do it, but I feel so responsible for his death. When I should have been holding his hand and making sure he was okay, I just ignored him. When he needed me the most, I just sat on my ass and did nothing. His letter stated he was tired of the arguments, the never ending cycle of him making "mistakes" and then me fighting over them. I am so, so sad that he felt this way. I feel horrible and ashamed of what I did the last night we were together. I just sat there feeling indignant. And there he was, making his final plans, thinking I didn't love him, that this was the only "out" he had. What I would give just to say, you know what I'm so mad at you right now, but I love you. We had said that so many times before. Why hadn't I done it this time? There are so many thoughts, memories, going through my head. I knew he had suicidal thoughts and yet I treated him so poorly. I could have been a better girlfriend and fiance. Just a better person. But I didn't. I am stubborn, a nag, never impressed, never satisfied, over all I'm a horrible human being. And now he's dead because I couldn't muster an apology or accept one. He's gone and will never know what it feels like to be happy. He'll never see his family again, he'll never take an evening stroll, he'll never grow old. And here I am. Ashamed, embarrassed, and selfish, seeking some sort of help to get through this. How do you get through knowing that you didn't help someone, someone you loved, get through their terrible time?
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