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About tobyfreefoot

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    28-year-old son
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    july 3, 2011


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  1. My daughter is on her every few days rampage. My husband says it is cruel of her to threaten suicide all the time when I have already lost one child. Her mo is just awful. I love her and we can have great times together but her mental health is just off the charts and I have no control over it. She won't get on medication so she cycles through crazy every few days. Ugh. Wendy I am so glad your daughter has come around. Your grandson is precious!
  2. Thanks everyone for your kind words. We have had a long conversation. We were both hurt so much by the music incident but I think we understand each other better now. Speaking of music my favorite Dylan song is on the radio-it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry Tommy's mum-it is nice to be with people that remember your kids from childhood isn't it? Kind of a comfort that they knew your child then and they realize how much you have lost. I talked to all my kids on messenger tonight. My somewhat estranged younger son contacted me first. Sent me a funny French pop music video to cheer me. And I had a dream of forest last night. One of the only ones I've had. I was buying some stuff for him and was loaning him money to buy an engagement ring with black stones like maybe black sapphires in it. That was all but I got to talk to him in that old familiar relaxed way we had and I got to sit next to him. So I feel pretty fulfilled tonight having heard from all my kids
  3. Hey Susan where are you? I miss you. Hope you are ok. Xoxo

  4. Dear Dee. Thanks. You know it wasn't one song. We were in his truck and he was playing an entire CD of murder ballads from the 20s and 30s. I was just biding my time waiting for it to be over. I was just quiet thinking of cold ground and death and forest and he just wouldn't quit needling me about what was wrong until I told him then things went crazy from there. Seriously as I yelled **** you and tried to jump from the moving truck but the door was locked lol. I realize I am still effected from ptsd but I have been feeling really well and doing much better but once again he pushed me close to the edge. I'm not trying to be melodramatic and I am not that over sensitive really but Jesus give me a break. If he just would have left me alone we would have got to town got out of the truck and moved on. Anyway thanks for your thoughts and your lovely poem. Peace out
  5. My husband gets upset with me and thinks in over sensitive when I get quiet when he plays a lot of murder ballads and songs about death. I can't help but think of forest when the lyrics go on about being cold in the ground or never coming home again. We just had a big fight because he kept asking what was wrong and wouldn't drop it then got mad when I told him all those songs caused me to think a lot. He thinks there is something wrong with me. Is there? I have never liked those kinds of songs and really hate them now
  6. Wendy the baby is beautiful. I hope someday you will be able to spend time with him. Years ago my sister in law had an encounter with a man in an elevator who had just lost his father and they both realized they were orphans. It must be an odd sad/lonely feeling. I'm sorry for this on top of the rest. Dee thanks for the praise. Here are the other 2 collages I have done since being on disability and wreath/pics for roadside site.
  7. Thanks. You guys made me cry but helped me out a lot. Tommy's mum lesley? I swear all day everyday and I find the f word most expressive. I am outraged at all the violence everywhere but when it strikes here or the UK or france it somehow seems so personal and horrific. My ex (forest's dad) lives in Wales. I just went over summer of 15 and visited. I am so sorry to see this. I don't know how to stop it. I also have 4 kids forest forever 28 would be 34 and his sister 29 brothers 27 and 24 close to the same set up as yours. I also have no religion. I lack that wonderful faith everyone else hangs on with. I did have a psychic angel lady) give me messages that fit from forest so that helped me a lot. I live on 40 acres of woods so have that close connection with nature. Thanks again lesley and dianne. Here is a collage I just finished. Don't seem to want to do anything else.
  8. Ok my question is this. Now that I am not stuck in the horrible pit all the time how do I stay close to forest? It seems that the intense grief connected me because I could feel that overwhelming love when I was screaming with pain. Now that I am not living in the pit it seems my connection is gone. Where is my beautiful boy?
  9. Just dropping in to let you know I have been busy in my new studio and think of you often. Grandees growing. Here are pics of my mom with the kids, my daughter who has been doing well for nearly a week now (she has pretty rapid cycling bipolar disorder) and my grandson, my granddaughter madelyn with her arm around Preston and visaversa and me holding lyra. I know too much sharing but other than you guys there is no where else I can brag lol. It does help me a ton to have them. Until my hospital visit, an adjustment of meds and quitting my job i still had trouble being buoyed up regardless what was happening. Now that I no longer have that terrible disassociation disorder I can feel and give love again and it has helped so much to feel the love with these little people. I know so many of you are having to struggle with the courts. That must be so difficult. I went to Houston to testify for Andrew's little girls (as only heirs) and even that tiny thing seemed like an ordeal. Others of you are first dealing with the agonizing pain and I am so sorry for all of you and wish you strength and the knowledge there will be a better day. I hope one comes soon. Some times you just get one day or one hour but take those moments to breath as easily as you can, rest and care for yourselves. Love to all
  10. No such thing as monopolizing this forum! So many times when my heart was screaming in darkness I came here and wrote and wrote. No one complained. I got so much needed compassion and end the end made friends that have given me a boost when I faltered. reading when others are in the throes despair often either make me feel less alone or help me realize how far I have come and inspires me to lend a word that may help. It is a totally give and take place with love enough to cover all of us.
  11. Aw Susan I had forgotten I read that at one of forest's picnics. Breaks my heart still. Everything does if I let it. We really do soldier forth through every day.
  12. Becky I am so sorry you lost your friend and her little girls lost their mom at such a crucial time in life. It isn't an easy world is it?. I often wish I had been brought up Buddhist where you are taught life is suffering among other things. I would have been more prepared when it got so hard. Dee We are breaking record highs. Our Carolina wrens that return to mud nests above my front door are already back. I love spring and summer and hate the dreary cold fall and winter but this does concern me a little. We had a couple record breaking cold days down to -4 but other than that not even frost. Very weird. Flies at christmas lol. Not really funny as our bugs could be terrible. Planning to garden in hay bales. Easier for my back and arthritis, maybe will help with bugs? At least maybe scaling the bales will make them have to work for it. I am afraid the mosquitoes will be bad and west Nile is a threat (killed my uncle) and lord the grasshoppers and ticks when it is hot and dry THRIVE. As an organic gardener the grasshoppers can be devastating. Aw well it is a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy it. Hugs to all and special thoughts to so many new people struggling to face the day. It will get better, for now just put one foot in front of the other as you get through the most heartrending days of your lives. Hang on come talk it helps. Love g
  13. Leah as always glad to see an old friend. I am sorry so much is still piled upon you. I am glad your granddaughter has come to you. As hard as that might be physically knowing she is safe is good and the "baby" being in a trusted place at least is reassuring. It is all so sad. I am sorry and hope your health improves. When you are gone for extended time I do wonder how things are going. Will be sending good vibes your way. Dee yes I feel much better. Still have bad moments but they are moments not hours or days. I am able to refocus and carry on instead of completely melting down. At first it felt so different and like a betrayal. Like getting a grip on grief was somehow less love. But I know my baby wants me to live life to the fullest just as he did and know he loves me and I love him and all is well. I have to say I am more subdued and having to feel my way, especially since I am no longer working. Trying to get some kind of routine. Ferrin I am glad to see you are still out there. Just reading can sometimes help a little. These early weeks are so unimaginable. You and your wife have been in my thoughts. I am so sorry for those of you in the viewing/funeral process. I had to wait 3 days then my son's face was covered from his eyes down. I was warned not to touch his ear. I expected the worst but I leaned over to hug him I was filled with an overwhelming rush of love and peace. I don't know if it was sheer relief of getting my baby back or his spirit helping me. That is what I felt it was. It was what got me through the rest of that week. I felt he was with me keeping me calm and feeling loved. It was weird and confusing but I couldn't figure out any other reason I felt like that. Things will probably not be perfect at the funerals because nothing ever is but the small details are not important. It is the love with which you are honoring your sons. The decision to not watch the videos seems like a good one. I was tempted to pull the cloth off forest's face. In straightening it I could tell there was a plaster cast under it. Also I did not request pictures of the accident on the advice of sherry. i think it was good advice. I Don't need any more fodder for my ptsd and crazy traumatized heart and brain. Ok my husband is having trouble leaving me alone to write . must go. Love to all
  14. Dianne no truer words!! Everyone has expectations. Even I had to learn not to expect myself to be better at a certain time. It is so hard to imagine someone could feel such pain until it happens to you. To those new here I have shored myself up. I don't know your names or your children's but do know we have had a few new people join us. Wanted to open my arms and heart to you. I would like to hear about your children when you feel you can share that. These early days are so painful, so unreal, so unbelievable and I am sorry for your terrible grief. We are what my therapist calls survivors of child death since there is no word for our status. The key word though is survivor. I have survived. I can not say I am glad about it but I can tell you I never never would have guessed I could get to this this state of wellbeing. I no longer hate waking up nor sleep at every opportunity. I make plans for things other than necessities and one day you will too. Hold on tight. You will make it and we are here.
  15. Bob I recently tipped a bobcat up on its side in a mudhole out in the woods while blazing a trail. It was getting dark. After trying for awhile to get it out digging in deeper I got off and hung on it trying to get it down! I actually was just desperate and not thinking lol but I have been in that darkness where it didn't matter. Not moving on suicide but not caring either. I am generally past that but remember it all too well. Hoping everyone is able to get to the other side safely. There truly is a safer place than the one you're in. One you can live in and avoid danger because you want to live. It took me a long time. It seems longer than many on this site but my lack of spirituality probably contributed to my devastation. I know most people have some sort of faith, something to hold on too. I had nothing. After being hospitalized and put on an assortment of medication I felt much better. More willing to live. Then I had an encounter with a psychic that stunned me into changing the way I look at the world. I still have bad moments and run like a coward from some triggers but all in all pushing closer to 6 years I am able to live again. Speaking of running apologies to those brand new here. I feel unable to reach out to you just yet as the pain and rawness of more than one new person at a time sucked me under and I couldn't go there but sending you love. Know this is a place of much comfort when the worst of it is upon you. I have been there and have survived and you will become a remarkable human that survives it also while forever having your loved one with you. It is a long hard learning curve but we will be here with you.