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About tobyfreefoot

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    28-year-old son
  • Angel Date
    july 3, 2011


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  1. I haven't had a chance to read just scanned and saw bob posted this...genius is eccentric -- genius is difficult .. genius is often misunderstood .. genius has no rangeposts I totally get that. Forest fell in that category and as a parent trying to reign him in and teach him what was acceptable behavior was impossible lol. As an adult he just surrounded himself with like minded people so he wasn't in conflict all the time. Becky looks like I missed Jared's birthday. Love to you my friend.
  2. Karen I also recommend you come to the adult child site. There not only many in your shoes but you will find we all feel guilty. My son died as a passenger in a car wreck in another state and I still felt guilty. My job as a mother is to protect that child's life down to giving my own and I failed. My child died. There was nothing any of us could do but the guilt persists. My good friend lost her son to overdose. The what could I have done haunts her even though there was nothing just like suicide or when it comes down to it car wrecks. It OS beyond our control and all the love in the world couldn't have changed it. You are at the rawest darkest hours of your life. Come to the other forum. The people there I am sure saved my life when I was at my deepest despair. I am so sorry your boy has left you my heart goes out to you.
  3. Bob I know I tend to glorify my son when it of course was not all good but that is the part my heart remembers because I love him so. One day I made a casual comment about him to my middle son who just looked at me and said "forest was an asshole" I was taken aback but then just laughed and said "yeah" made me realise that I probably represent him as an angel when in real life he was not and also his relationship with his siblings was far different than mine. He demonstratively loved me fiercely but the siblings had lots of ups and downs though he loved them dearly and visversa Your clearer perception of your son as a con but not the devil makes it easier to remember him as he was. I have known and lived with my share of psychopaths myself and have witnessed first hand the destruction they leave in their wake, but somehow they never become unlovable. I never could figure if that was their true selves I loved or they were conning me always. I am so glad your last time together was loving. Tommy's mum I have the exact same issues with my other 3.
  4. Just dropping in for a second to say I saw the angel lady again with forest's best friend Susan. Sure enough she said sharp and Evans together. She said young man circling mothers day on a calendar and floating lots of hearts then a whole line of hearts like in a text. Then said something about an f and that some older relatives or something were having trouble keeping up with him but having lots of fun. I Had written about how hard it is for me with kids bypassing his age. Then some older men with him laughed saying I'm getting older too. Laughing not at my wrinkles couldn't see them just because I was getting older too. Made some sense considering what I wrote. Afterwards Susan had me come to her car. She presented me with this portrait she had commissioned. I immediately started sobbing because it is about life size and the eyes are so perfect it was like looking right at him oh and it has been so long since I looked in his eyes. I hung it in my studio where I can "be with" him everyday
  5. My daughter is on her every few days rampage. My husband says it is cruel of her to threaten suicide all the time when I have already lost one child. Her mo is just awful. I love her and we can have great times together but her mental health is just off the charts and I have no control over it. She won't get on medication so she cycles through crazy every few days. Ugh. Wendy I am so glad your daughter has come around. Your grandson is precious!
  6. Thanks everyone for your kind words. We have had a long conversation. We were both hurt so much by the music incident but I think we understand each other better now. Speaking of music my favorite Dylan song is on the radio-it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry Tommy's mum-it is nice to be with people that remember your kids from childhood isn't it? Kind of a comfort that they knew your child then and they realize how much you have lost. I talked to all my kids on messenger tonight. My somewhat estranged younger son contacted me first. Sent me a funny French pop music video to cheer me. And I had a dream of forest last night. One of the only ones I've had. I was buying some stuff for him and was loaning him money to buy an engagement ring with black stones like maybe black sapphires in it. That was all but I got to talk to him in that old familiar relaxed way we had and I got to sit next to him. So I feel pretty fulfilled tonight having heard from all my kids
  7. Hey Susan where are you? I miss you. Hope you are ok. Xoxo

  8. Dear Dee. Thanks. You know it wasn't one song. We were in his truck and he was playing an entire CD of murder ballads from the 20s and 30s. I was just biding my time waiting for it to be over. I was just quiet thinking of cold ground and death and forest and he just wouldn't quit needling me about what was wrong until I told him then things went crazy from there. Seriously as I yelled **** you and tried to jump from the moving truck but the door was locked lol. I realize I am still effected from ptsd but I have been feeling really well and doing much better but once again he pushed me close to the edge. I'm not trying to be melodramatic and I am not that over sensitive really but Jesus give me a break. If he just would have left me alone we would have got to town got out of the truck and moved on. Anyway thanks for your thoughts and your lovely poem. Peace out
  9. My husband gets upset with me and thinks in over sensitive when I get quiet when he plays a lot of murder ballads and songs about death. I can't help but think of forest when the lyrics go on about being cold in the ground or never coming home again. We just had a big fight because he kept asking what was wrong and wouldn't drop it then got mad when I told him all those songs caused me to think a lot. He thinks there is something wrong with me. Is there? I have never liked those kinds of songs and really hate them now
  10. Wendy the baby is beautiful. I hope someday you will be able to spend time with him. Years ago my sister in law had an encounter with a man in an elevator who had just lost his father and they both realized they were orphans. It must be an odd sad/lonely feeling. I'm sorry for this on top of the rest. Dee thanks for the praise. Here are the other 2 collages I have done since being on disability and wreath/pics for roadside site.
  11. Thanks. You guys made me cry but helped me out a lot. Tommy's mum lesley? I swear all day everyday and I find the f word most expressive. I am outraged at all the violence everywhere but when it strikes here or the UK or france it somehow seems so personal and horrific. My ex (forest's dad) lives in Wales. I just went over summer of 15 and visited. I am so sorry to see this. I don't know how to stop it. I also have 4 kids forest forever 28 would be 34 and his sister 29 brothers 27 and 24 close to the same set up as yours. I also have no religion. I lack that wonderful faith everyone else hangs on with. I did have a psychic angel lady) give me messages that fit from forest so that helped me a lot. I live on 40 acres of woods so have that close connection with nature. Thanks again lesley and dianne. Here is a collage I just finished. Don't seem to want to do anything else.
  12. Ok my question is this. Now that I am not stuck in the horrible pit all the time how do I stay close to forest? It seems that the intense grief connected me because I could feel that overwhelming love when I was screaming with pain. Now that I am not living in the pit it seems my connection is gone. Where is my beautiful boy?
  13. Just dropping in to let you know I have been busy in my new studio and think of you often. Grandees growing. Here are pics of my mom with the kids, my daughter who has been doing well for nearly a week now (she has pretty rapid cycling bipolar disorder) and my grandson, my granddaughter madelyn with her arm around Preston and visaversa and me holding lyra. I know too much sharing but other than you guys there is no where else I can brag lol. It does help me a ton to have them. Until my hospital visit, an adjustment of meds and quitting my job i still had trouble being buoyed up regardless what was happening. Now that I no longer have that terrible disassociation disorder I can feel and give love again and it has helped so much to feel the love with these little people. I know so many of you are having to struggle with the courts. That must be so difficult. I went to Houston to testify for Andrew's little girls (as only heirs) and even that tiny thing seemed like an ordeal. Others of you are first dealing with the agonizing pain and I am so sorry for all of you and wish you strength and the knowledge there will be a better day. I hope one comes soon. Some times you just get one day or one hour but take those moments to breath as easily as you can, rest and care for yourselves. Love to all
  14. No such thing as monopolizing this forum! So many times when my heart was screaming in darkness I came here and wrote and wrote. No one complained. I got so much needed compassion and end the end made friends that have given me a boost when I faltered. reading when others are in the throes despair often either make me feel less alone or help me realize how far I have come and inspires me to lend a word that may help. It is a totally give and take place with love enough to cover all of us.
  15. Aw Susan I had forgotten I read that at one of forest's picnics. Breaks my heart still. Everything does if I let it. We really do soldier forth through every day.