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About tobyfreefoot

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    28-year-old son
  • Angel Date
    july 3, 2011


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  1. I have to say this still speaks to me 6 years down the road. You have stated so beautifully how we try to fit this love and grief into our lives. I am still working on wearing mine only as a shining jewel but I will get there. It is different to see how you change and grow around the loss of your child. Impossible to explain to others probably. When I was suppose to pick up my pup it was delayed a few days because the owner, a high school teacher had 6 students in a car accident, 5 from one family. 4 were unbuckled in the back seat and were all ejected from the car. One girl was dead at the scene the other 3 air lighted out. Ugh. They had done a memorial at the site and a T-shirt and blood drive. One child in a body cast the others pretty much holding their own. Waiting for the sister to get out to have funeral. I got this news the day after the picnic. I kind of unraveled for a couple hours but got my footing quickly. It was just so tragic. Somersky lovely pics. My son Forest's best friend died a year ago leaving a wife two girls and 2 dogs just like that. They also were laying with Andrew when they found him. Sweet little loyal things.
  2. Once again haven't had time to read but see those last pictures posted of a beautiful beautiful boy. I am so sorry that you and all of the new folks here hawe had to find their way here. I am glad you have come and hope you are able to find comfort and understanding here that is so hard to find "outside". I know the people here have pulled me through many rough patches. I am posting a pic of my dog Brody and our new puppy Baserri. I love animals but have never particularly been a dog fan. These are border collies and I have this week found caring for them to have filled a spot in my heart that needed filling. Just somehow they are making me feel cared about and made me feel really nurturing. I don't know I have read scientic research that says petting dogs is good for you. Just thought I would tell you guys about it because it might be useful to someone and truly no one else will really get how important something that gives me comfort is. Btw picnic was good will post a pic of that too. Love you all so much.
  3. I find my teeth are gritted, my eyes are watery, I'm having anxiety that feels like my soul is bursting through my skin, my heart is pounding and it is hard to breath. Six years down the road, a lot of drugs and therapy I am dealing with the coming angelversary better this year. I am going to see the angel lady shortly. Put on my old jeans, a shirt from his dad's bike shop and my old perfume along with my locket in hopes he will recognize me. I will be back to talk later next week when I am alone. I saw a beautiful picture of a little boy , Julian I think? So precious I am so sorry. Tomorrow is the actual day. Going to the annual 3rd of July party then the annual picnic at the cemetery on the 4th. Dropped some prize money by a new tournament also started in his honor called super smash wars. None of the boys knew forest but were so struck by his legacy they wanted to start an all smash tournament in his name. Gotta run many miles to go see the angel lady. I love you all wish me luck
  4. A perfect reincarnation for Zippy. Veto looks perfect too!
  5. Love to all of you today. Celebrate the joy of mothering and know once a mother always a mother and nothing can take that away. Today I taped a new tiny lock of Forest's hair in my locket while my husband was mowing as a quiet gift to myself. May you all have a peaceful moment of reflection today.
  6. Susan I didn't see any drug industry things. I saw a plea from a woman whose child died with a picture of the heartache she endured. I even considered copying what was written underneath and posting it on FB. You're cool with me (I think we are at opposite ends of the political scale that is why I don't bring my politics here lol) I realize some people may be very sensitive to this but two kids the next farm down died from some powder from china. The 20 year old that brought it to the party lost his 2 best friends and is now in prison for manslaughter. Your post was a word to the wise it takes one tiny bit of some unknown substance. Many people think an overdose is an over dose but that isn't always the case kids need to be forewarned.
  7. Ugh I am so far behind in reading. As I skim thru I see too many new names but want to welcome you here with open arms and hope you all find the same love, comfort and understanding I have found here. Know that we have all been in that deepest pit and loneliest hour and that our love stands with you in that darkness. It is all we can do but I have found that these parents just being there for me has helped me as I screamed and rolled and raged. They listened and cared and that has made a difference and I hope it will for you also. Laurie I copied your list. Looking for enlightenment always. <3<3<3
  8. amyanne i am so glad you came to this site. it helped me sooo much. i just wanted to tell you i have a co worker whose mother threw away all the pictures of her sister when she was killed in a car accident and a woman who use to be on this site told me she waited 6 years to look at her daughter's picture so you are not alone in that reaction. i was just the opposite i could not get enough of my son's pictures. everyone experiences this tragedy a little differently but i think we all have experienced the unbearable pain. we all share so many similar things though we can sort of help each other along and mostly we can all listen with that knowing heart that the rest of the world doesn't understand. i would love to hear anything you would like to share about your beautiful girl. and i will gladly listen to her wonderful attributes again and again as others here have done for me. this is a place we can grieve and shout and also brag and carry on about our beloved children. no one sees us as boastful just broken hearted and in love with our lost child.i also to this day cannot believe this has happened. i hope coming here will ease your soul at least a bit.
  9. I haven't had a chance to read just scanned and saw bob posted this...genius is eccentric -- genius is difficult .. genius is often misunderstood .. genius has no rangeposts I totally get that. Forest fell in that category and as a parent trying to reign him in and teach him what was acceptable behavior was impossible lol. As an adult he just surrounded himself with like minded people so he wasn't in conflict all the time. Becky looks like I missed Jared's birthday. Love to you my friend.
  10. Karen I also recommend you come to the adult child site. There not only many in your shoes but you will find we all feel guilty. My son died as a passenger in a car wreck in another state and I still felt guilty. My job as a mother is to protect that child's life down to giving my own and I failed. My child died. There was nothing any of us could do but the guilt persists. My good friend lost her son to overdose. The what could I have done haunts her even though there was nothing just like suicide or when it comes down to it car wrecks. It OS beyond our control and all the love in the world couldn't have changed it. You are at the rawest darkest hours of your life. Come to the other forum. The people there I am sure saved my life when I was at my deepest despair. I am so sorry your boy has left you my heart goes out to you.
  11. Bob I know I tend to glorify my son when it of course was not all good but that is the part my heart remembers because I love him so. One day I made a casual comment about him to my middle son who just looked at me and said "forest was an asshole" I was taken aback but then just laughed and said "yeah" made me realise that I probably represent him as an angel when in real life he was not and also his relationship with his siblings was far different than mine. He demonstratively loved me fiercely but the siblings had lots of ups and downs though he loved them dearly and visversa Your clearer perception of your son as a con but not the devil makes it easier to remember him as he was. I have known and lived with my share of psychopaths myself and have witnessed first hand the destruction they leave in their wake, but somehow they never become unlovable. I never could figure if that was their true selves I loved or they were conning me always. I am so glad your last time together was loving. Tommy's mum I have the exact same issues with my other 3.
  12. Just dropping in for a second to say I saw the angel lady again with forest's best friend Susan. Sure enough she said sharp and Evans together. She said young man circling mothers day on a calendar and floating lots of hearts then a whole line of hearts like in a text. Then said something about an f and that some older relatives or something were having trouble keeping up with him but having lots of fun. I Had written about how hard it is for me with kids bypassing his age. Then some older men with him laughed saying I'm getting older too. Laughing not at my wrinkles couldn't see them just because I was getting older too. Made some sense considering what I wrote. Afterwards Susan had me come to her car. She presented me with this portrait she had commissioned. I immediately started sobbing because it is about life size and the eyes are so perfect it was like looking right at him oh and it has been so long since I looked in his eyes. I hung it in my studio where I can "be with" him everyday
  13. My daughter is on her every few days rampage. My husband says it is cruel of her to threaten suicide all the time when I have already lost one child. Her mo is just awful. I love her and we can have great times together but her mental health is just off the charts and I have no control over it. She won't get on medication so she cycles through crazy every few days. Ugh. Wendy I am so glad your daughter has come around. Your grandson is precious!
  14. Thanks everyone for your kind words. We have had a long conversation. We were both hurt so much by the music incident but I think we understand each other better now. Speaking of music my favorite Dylan song is on the radio-it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry Tommy's mum-it is nice to be with people that remember your kids from childhood isn't it? Kind of a comfort that they knew your child then and they realize how much you have lost. I talked to all my kids on messenger tonight. My somewhat estranged younger son contacted me first. Sent me a funny French pop music video to cheer me. And I had a dream of forest last night. One of the only ones I've had. I was buying some stuff for him and was loaning him money to buy an engagement ring with black stones like maybe black sapphires in it. That was all but I got to talk to him in that old familiar relaxed way we had and I got to sit next to him. So I feel pretty fulfilled tonight having heard from all my kids
  15. Hey Susan where are you? I miss you. Hope you are ok. Xoxo