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tobyfreefoot

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About tobyfreefoot

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    oklahoma
  • Loss Type
    28-year-old son
  • Angel Date
    july 3, 2011

Converted

  • Last Name
    evans
  • First Name
    gretchen
  • Zip
    74849
  • Country
    usa

Recent Profile Visitors

4,311 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Leah so nice to hear from you. I am sorry to hear of so many sttuggles. You are still here, important for your son and jaboa who loves you and surely is rooting for you. Up date us when you can. It is good for my heart to hear from you old friend. ❤
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Grief is not your friend. I didn't know that for so long. It is where my heart feels that poignant stabbing aching love, where I feel comfortable. I can see now that it has kept me frozen for so long but now that I am 6 years a lot of drugs and therapy down the road sometimes I feel like I am running from it. Most days I do ok but I do know the minute grief starts its creep or rears its shiny head above that deep hole I run. Somewhere someday I'll find a midground
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou Ann thank you for feeling safe enough to share your story. I can't imagine the pain of sitting on that all this time. I am so sorry. Forest's face was so ruined it was covered from his eyes down there was no autopsy so I never really learned what happened to him but for 3 years I rolled around in my head if he was conscious he might not have even had a mouth to scream with. I couldn't stand it but I just kept it to myself until one day I ran into the hiway patrolman that was at the scene and I managed to choke it out to him and he told me he still had a mouth though ruin he still had one. But I know what it is like to hold such horrors inside I want you to know I have a friend whose 17 year old son died the same way. He heared the thump and sound of him but never in his wildest dreams thought his young very fit son had actually collapsed in the shower until the water kept running and running. He ran around and through the window saw his son face down in the shower . he broke down the door but it was too late. Try not to blame yourself. who would ever suspect your lovely young daughter had collapsed? No one. All of us feel guilty and blame ourselves. Even me whose son died as a passenger in a car. I still had that feeling I had failed him because he is my child and my number one job as a mom was to protect him. But I didn't he died. I felt like I let my child die. The whole thing is hard and terrible but be reassured that it isn't your fault and the guilt and what ifs happens to all of us no matter the circumstances. I am glad you finally got to talk about it. I hope it relieves that horrible pressure within sending peace
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Diane I have often felt that way when visiting my other kids. Grief sometimes has kept me separated inside an invisible shell. It is hard to be at peace enough to feel connected to people again. I have been working hard at that myself. Laurie I loved the poem you posted. I have been trying hard to follow the angel lady's message and communicate with forest from a place of love and calm and watch for signs. A young Hindu friend of forest's contacted me because his face and mine kept floating up in her mind so she was calling to check on me. She then asked to light candles for us when she did her prayers. Also one of forest's friends suddenly for no reason posted a video of forest that he posted 6 years ago. Tommy's mom I have had many people try to make me drop visiting this site. They simply do not understand what it is like to be in our shoes and need the community of others. And as far as being lazy lol no one knows how hard it is sometimes for us to get up and face another day much less do anything. I hope you can find your way through that heavy feeling and fog to a couple of hours of light today. Love to all
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Here is my billet. Forest was the first person to appear. She said I'm getting sharp sharp everywhere sharp is anyone sharp? He is a young spirit well maybe depending on what you consider young. I am getting that his mom is here. He says you had a very strong connection to him and it is even stronger to him now. He says you need to pick a place to communicate with him and talk to him there and he will talk back. Choose a place and each time he talks to you it will get louder and louder. Seems authentic and crazy at the same time.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    I have to say this still speaks to me 6 years down the road. You have stated so beautifully how we try to fit this love and grief into our lives. I am still working on wearing mine only as a shining jewel but I will get there. It is different to see how you change and grow around the loss of your child. Impossible to explain to others probably. When I was suppose to pick up my pup it was delayed a few days because the owner, a high school teacher had 6 students in a car accident, 5 from one family. 4 were unbuckled in the back seat and were all ejected from the car. One girl was dead at the scene the other 3 air lighted out. Ugh. They had done a memorial at the site and a T-shirt and blood drive. One child in a body cast the others pretty much holding their own. Waiting for the sister to get out to have funeral. I got this news the day after the picnic. I kind of unraveled for a couple hours but got my footing quickly. It was just so tragic. Somersky lovely pics. My son Forest's best friend died a year ago leaving a wife two girls and 2 dogs just like that. They also were laying with Andrew when they found him. Sweet little loyal things.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Once again haven't had time to read but see those last pictures posted of a beautiful beautiful boy. I am so sorry that you and all of the new folks here hawe had to find their way here. I am glad you have come and hope you are able to find comfort and understanding here that is so hard to find "outside". I know the people here have pulled me through many rough patches. I am posting a pic of my dog Brody and our new puppy Baserri. I love animals but have never particularly been a dog fan. These are border collies and I have this week found caring for them to have filled a spot in my heart that needed filling. Just somehow they are making me feel cared about and made me feel really nurturing. I don't know I have read scientic research that says petting dogs is good for you. Just thought I would tell you guys about it because it might be useful to someone and truly no one else will really get how important something that gives me comfort is. Btw picnic was good will post a pic of that too. Love you all so much.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    I find my teeth are gritted, my eyes are watery, I'm having anxiety that feels like my soul is bursting through my skin, my heart is pounding and it is hard to breath. Six years down the road, a lot of drugs and therapy I am dealing with the coming angelversary better this year. I am going to see the angel lady shortly. Put on my old jeans, a shirt from his dad's bike shop and my old perfume along with my locket in hopes he will recognize me. I will be back to talk later next week when I am alone. I saw a beautiful picture of a little boy , Julian I think? So precious I am so sorry. Tomorrow is the actual day. Going to the annual 3rd of July party then the annual picnic at the cemetery on the 4th. Dropped some prize money by a new tournament also started in his honor called super smash wars. None of the boys knew forest but were so struck by his legacy they wanted to start an all smash tournament in his name. Gotta run many miles to go see the angel lady. I love you all wish me luck
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    A perfect reincarnation for Zippy. Veto looks perfect too!
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Love to all of you today. Celebrate the joy of mothering and know once a mother always a mother and nothing can take that away. Today I taped a new tiny lock of Forest's hair in my locket while my husband was mowing as a quiet gift to myself. May you all have a peaceful moment of reflection today.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan I didn't see any drug industry things. I saw a plea from a woman whose child died with a picture of the heartache she endured. I even considered copying what was written underneath and posting it on FB. You're cool with me (I think we are at opposite ends of the political scale that is why I don't bring my politics here lol) I realize some people may be very sensitive to this but two kids the next farm down died from some powder from china. The 20 year old that brought it to the party lost his 2 best friends and is now in prison for manslaughter. Your post was a word to the wise it takes one tiny bit of some unknown substance. Many people think an overdose is an over dose but that isn't always the case kids need to be forewarned.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ugh I am so far behind in reading. As I skim thru I see too many new names but want to welcome you here with open arms and hope you all find the same love, comfort and understanding I have found here. Know that we have all been in that deepest pit and loneliest hour and that our love stands with you in that darkness. It is all we can do but I have found that these parents just being there for me has helped me as I screamed and rolled and raged. They listened and cared and that has made a difference and I hope it will for you also. Laurie I copied your list. Looking for enlightenment always. <3<3<3
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    amyanne i am so glad you came to this site. it helped me sooo much. i just wanted to tell you i have a co worker whose mother threw away all the pictures of her sister when she was killed in a car accident and a woman who use to be on this site told me she waited 6 years to look at her daughter's picture so you are not alone in that reaction. i was just the opposite i could not get enough of my son's pictures. everyone experiences this tragedy a little differently but i think we all have experienced the unbearable pain. we all share so many similar things though we can sort of help each other along and mostly we can all listen with that knowing heart that the rest of the world doesn't understand. i would love to hear anything you would like to share about your beautiful girl. and i will gladly listen to her wonderful attributes again and again as others here have done for me. this is a place we can grieve and shout and also brag and carry on about our beloved children. no one sees us as boastful just broken hearted and in love with our lost child.i also to this day cannot believe this has happened. i hope coming here will ease your soul at least a bit.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    I haven't had a chance to read just scanned and saw bob posted this...genius is eccentric -- genius is difficult .. genius is often misunderstood .. genius has no rangeposts I totally get that. Forest fell in that category and as a parent trying to reign him in and teach him what was acceptable behavior was impossible lol. As an adult he just surrounded himself with like minded people so he wasn't in conflict all the time. Becky looks like I missed Jared's birthday. Love to you my friend.
  15. Recent loss of my 25 year-old son

    Karen I also recommend you come to the adult child site. There not only many in your shoes but you will find we all feel guilty. My son died as a passenger in a car wreck in another state and I still felt guilty. My job as a mother is to protect that child's life down to giving my own and I failed. My child died. There was nothing any of us could do but the guilt persists. My good friend lost her son to overdose. The what could I have done haunts her even though there was nothing just like suicide or when it comes down to it car wrecks. It OS beyond our control and all the love in the world couldn't have changed it. You are at the rawest darkest hours of your life. Come to the other forum. The people there I am sure saved my life when I was at my deepest despair. I am so sorry your boy has left you my heart goes out to you.
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