widower2

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About widower2

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    Advanced Member

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    Male
  • Angel Date
    2012

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    USA

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  1. Wow. Much of what you folks have said or are feeling and/or experiencing was like looking in a mirror.....either of myself or my life a few years back. I get the anger, the hurt, of people saying stupid things...or perhaps worse, not saying anything or disappearing entirely. Gee thanks, "friend." Saying stupid things I can get past. Disappearing or not making at least some attempt to reach out...and by reach out, I don't mean some token effort immediately afterwards so you can feel good about yourself, THEN disappearing...but later on as the months pass......that I don't forgive and don't buy ANY excuse for. But as I posted on a similar thread here just now, I would try to keep people's intent in mind when they say stupid things vs focusing on the thing itself as much as possible. And I think this says it better than me overall...much of it sounds similar to what the OP said, and many of us have experience to some degree or other. Maybe they should make something along these lines mandatory reading somehow. http://griefhelp.webs.com/know-someone-grieving
  2. I've gone through a handful of those "certain days." Valentines Day and her birthday are the two I do things for. I don't care to say what specifically (that's between us), but bottom line to me is if it helps you in any way, do it; if it just makes it harder, don't feel "obligated." For ex. the day of her passing I wouldn't acknowledge in any way if you put a gun to my head...but some do, and again if that helps, why not? It could be something as simple as going through old photographs, or writing them a letter, or the balloon thing like someone else mentioned, going somewhere you used to go or doing something you used to do together etc. There may be ideas on the internet too FYI.
  3. I'm sorry for all of your losses. As I've said (or thought) many times: there are a million things one can say to someone grieving...and most of them are ill advised. That doesn't stop people from doing it though, and mostly out of ignorance. So when someone says something idiotic or even hurtful to you, unless you think they were being hurtful on purpose (unlikely for most), try to keep in mind their intent vs the stupidity that came out of their mouths. I think this says it better than I can here. I've been tempted to print this and hand it to people if they said something stupid. http://griefhelp.webs.com/know-someone-grieving
  4. Just heard this one for the first time in a long time (warning, sad). "Fair" is a changing word for sure.....
  5. MK frankly this has been a long-standing and rampant problem here. It's not your fault, you can't spend all your spare time clipping away the losers, they breed like cockroaches (an apt analogy in more ways than one) - a more secure site overall is needed. I suggest contacting other similar sites and seeing how they deal w/it. Might even consider at ban on new members, at least for the time being.
  6. I also got a malware alert for this site - not getting now but I'm avoiding it for the moment Just wanted to give FYI. Might want to have techs run some tests
  7. Thought this was due for a bump I'm sure others have some suggestions - again it can be something which is uplifting, or something which although sad can be "good" in that way, ie help to just let it out
  8. I'm very sorry for your loss and your pain. But please keep in mind that guilt is very common when losing someone, especially thinking of the things we did wrong. Much of what you wrote sounded very familiar to me - if I had a nickel for all the things I could've and should've done better I'd be rich. Like you, I've beat myself up more than a little. As for the nursing home blaming you, that's inexcusable and hideously insensitive on their part - and I don't know how they work over there, but here many of them are frankly not very good. You helped your mom to be home for her final days vs stuck there; I don't know what her condition was, but I don't feel that is all bad. I suspect they are blaming you because they are afraid of getting the blame themselves, and perhaps even of being sued. And I respectfully quite disagree when you talked about joining a religious order but feeling you "have to be happy in yourself for that." No, you don't. In fact, not feeling happy is one of the best reasons to join them, and one of the most useful functions they serve (to help those who need it most). I also have no idea what age has to do with it-? You know what I think? I think you loved your mum very much and did the best you could for her and she knows that and is very grateful for all of your help and love. No, maybe you didn't do everything perfectly, but that's a given because you're human and by definition we're far from perfect. It's OK to accept that and it does no one any good to pointlessly beat yourself up. I feel confident saying that's the very last thing your mum would want you to do. Please try not to be so hard on yourself; I wish you better days with more peace and hoping you can focus more on all you did RIGHT and of good times you had with her.
  9. There's far too little information here to know if what you've done is "right" or "wrong" and that's all very subjective anyway.....but seems to me that you're following her wishes, so I have no idea how that would be considered "selfish." Do "certain members of your family" have any actual logical reasoning as to why this is so?
  10. I would pay heavy money to get a prescription of oxys and damn the "addiction" concerns, which can vary greatly with the individual anyway (in my case not much of a concern, I have a high tolerance). So basically yes I found oxys extremely helpful.
  11. Hey AK good to hear from you - lots going on I see. Hope to see you around chattin sometime
  12. And again, I'm afraid.
  13. Yep - word to the wise: NEVER give out ANY personal info including full name, address, etc online anywhere......here, facebook, whatever...to someone you don't really know very well. And be careful who you "friend" on Facebook, depending on what kind of info you have available to "friends" there. It seems the internet is a fertile breeding ground for slime, unfortunately, and it is very easy for anyone to say they are anything on the internet...and some are such pathetic losers they will go to great lengths to fake it, even over a length of time. As soon as the topic turns to money I would be especially careful. Not suggesting you rip on someone however, for various reasons, like they might be legit, or have serious mental/emotional problems vs "trolling," or just be desperate for attention - and if they are trolling, that means they get off on making other people mad, so if you rip on them, you're just giving them what they want.....so I'd suggest just being polite and offer generic advice or simply ignore them (not responding at all). One thing trolls can't stand is being ignored.
  14. Well no, the chat room you can't speak "freely" when it includes cursing at people, belittling their grief, and generally going out of your way to show what a pathetic bratty little child you are, which is probably why you've been banned. I hear they have open admissions at romperroom.com though, FYI. Good luck improving on that "don't-bee" thing.