Jilly's mom

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About Jilly's mom

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Michigan
  • Loss Type
    Daughter, car accident
  • Angel Date
    11-19-11

Converted

  • Occupation
    RN
  • Last Name
    Crist
  • First Name
    Louise
  • Zip
    49036
  • Country
    USA
  1. Aw. Gretchen, the sky lanterns are beautiful!!!! For us, it is like sending up birthday candles to Heaven. Thought about you all day on Forest's birthday. Hugs. Louise
  2. Happy Heavenly 30th Birthday Forest. Please send your mama kisses and hugs and wrap her in love tomorrow as she celebrates your life here on Earth. You were, and still are, very very loved by many. Jilly's mom
  3. I read these posts often, and am saddened at how many newbies are on here. Welcome to the light on this dark road. This site will be your anchor in many storms, whether you answer posts or not...just reading them and knowing you are not alone will help. I realize that everyone grieves differently. I would like to share a story with you. Perhaps it will help. Perhaps not. I lift you all up in prayers. A day or two after Jilly went Home last year, I called a very dear friend of mine who had lost not one, but TWO children. I have always looked up to her as she has a wisdom that continually amazes me. She had carried a baby almost to term when it was discovered that this angel girl child had lethal deformities. She wou...ld die either during birth or shortly afterwards. My friend was bedridden for several weeks waiting for the baby to be born. She handled the whole situation so lovingly, so gracefully, and with such faith in God that I was awed. The baby lived 2 weeks, and died at home, being held by her parents, angels and blanketed in lots of love. I asked this wise woman how to walk this path...How could I go on when I couldn't even get through a minute without my heart breaking repeatedly? She gave me a strange answer...or so I thought at the time. She said, "Louise, on the day you can get down on your knees and thank God for taking Jilly HOME, you will have peace beyond understanding." I thought, "You want me to do WHAT???" God could have made things turn out differently! If He had been there, maybe Jilly wouldn't have died! " The answer came...."He WAS there." He was there with both girls in the car as it flew through the air. He took Jilly's hand as she leapt from her body into His warm, loving embrace. Her work and the lessons she came here to learn were done, and they both knew it. He took her HOME... This wise mom asked me if I had ever lost Jilly in a store....you know how kids can hide in clothing racks, etc when they are bored with shopping? Jilly had done this once. Panic set in...where was she? I am sure many parents have had this experience. Some kind angel (in the form of a person) had found her, taken her to the nearest intercom and announced that she was lost, and would her mom please come and get her. This angel in disguise entertained her until I got there, and by the time I arrived a few seconds later, Jilly was happily telling this person all about her life, or some such thing, and they were both laughing. Jilly wasn't worried. She knew I would come for her. ( Moms always do, don't they?) She wasn't particularly missing me at that moment because some kind caring person was giving her undivided attention. This mom then asked me what I said to that wonderful angel in disguise, who had kept my daughter safe until I reached her. "Well, I said THANK YOU SO MUCH of course!" Exactly. That was her point. God is keeping Jilly safe and "entertained" (or perhaps she is keeping HIM entertained!) until I get there. No harm will ever come to her with Him at her side. She could not possibly be in better hands, or loved more deeply than she is at this moment. The next day, in the shower, with tears running down my face, I did that very thing. I fell to my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for taking my girl Home....for keeping her safe and sound, happy and loved, until the day I get there and hug her again. This mom was right. The peace and understanding which came over me was indescribable. It still is. Yes, I still miss her and yes, I still have human meltdowns. But every morning, my prayer is this: Thank you Heavenly Father for my family and the people you lend to me each day, for however long that may be, that I might grow in love and faith. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for lending me Jilly for 19 years.....and for taking my Jilly Home, until I get there too. Amen.
  4. Love this, Tracie!!!!!
  5. The school shooting in Connecticut is on my mind . Many new angel parents/siblings/family members have been born . The wounds they will bear are much like having a c-section....without an type of anesthesia. They are going through the shock, disbelief, numbness and chill that many of us went through. They woke up the next morning stunned that the world kept turning, when theirs had stopped. My prayers are with each of them. The holidays for them will forever be marked with sadness. Please wrap your arms around them in thought and prayer, now and in the next days, weeks and months. Never underestimate the power of those loving, comforting prayers! I had journaled this the night before the shooting...as I watched the meteor showers, I wondered if they were angels lining up to help new ones come Home. Perhaps many of you can relate to this entry? di•chot•o•my [ dī kóttəmee ] 1. separation of different or contradictory things: a separation into two divisions that differ widely from or contradict each other. Mark and I have been talking a lot about grief...and how irrational and contradictory it can be. We are trying to come to terms with the thought that Jillian is no longer on Earth. You would think that since we visit her grave nearly every day, that would be a no brainer, wouldn't you? That by going to the space where we last said goodbye to our daughter's body, knowing her casket lies just a few feet under the ground we stand on, it would sink in, wouldn't it? Nope. Still doesn't feel real. Somehow, even after 55 weeks, we just can't grasp that! It's a dichotomy. We are fully aware that her body no longer functions...that she has left that shell that we knew and loved to hold. We know she is no longer "here" and yet she IS, in so many ways! She comes to us in little nuances that make us smile. It doesn't happen every day....sometimes we go several days, or even weeks without anything at all. And then....just when we least expect it, and most need it, we are allowed to feel her close by. We are given the assurance that she is more alive than we are! We see her in her friends actions...in the love and kindness of those we know and even in total strangers. Mark made the statement that especially in the days following the accident, when we were so incredibly raw with grief, that he had never felt more dead...and yet more alive...at the same time. I know that sounds a bit crazy. Other angel parents probably know exactly what I am talking about. I guess the only analogy I can give you is that you have 5 fingers....you don't really think about them being there, they are just part of your hand. You don't "feel" them as you use them all the time. You take them for granted ....until you accidently smash one, or burn one. When that happens, every molecule in your body screams with pain. The part of you that is hurt takes on such a significance that it is difficult to think of anything else until the pain subsides. You have never been more alive, because you feel EVERYTHING so intensely. It throbs at first. You wonder if you will be able to stand another second of the pain. Then some numbness sinks in, and it becomes tolerable. Finally, you become used to it, and only cry out if you accidently bump it on something. Then the pain comes flooding back to the forefront of your memory. It's kind of like that with grief. You initially feel so dead inside. God blesses you with numbness for awhile, and then little by little allows you to feel again. Once that happens, you are aware of the hole that the grief has left so acutely, that it often takes on a life of its own. It is difficult to concentrate on much else. Your memory is crappy. There are days that I can honestly say "At this moment I am ok." And then there are days when I welcome the meltdowns, as they provide a relief to the emotions that build up until they can no longer be contained....they must come up, and out. In order to heal, I have been told that we can't go around it, over it or under it...we must go THROUGH it. It must be pushed up and out in order to form some kind of protective scar tissue so that we can function, even though we are constantly bumping into memories that open the wound again. Sometimes pushing the grief up and out looks like sadness, crying or apathy. Sometimes it is smiles and laughter, believe it or not...Occasionally, those 2 things happen at the same time! Often, it is talking about it...over and over as we try to convince our minds that it is real. There is no right way or wrong way...it doesn't come with a handy instruction guide that says "You will be in this stage for 6.2 days, then this one for another 2.3 weeks...and when you have been through all the stages, then BAM, your grief is over and you can go back to being who you were before! Carry on, get back to a normal life. Doesn't work that way, folks. It never, ever goes away completely, but I have noticed it does get softer on some days. Although I may look like the same person on the outside, on the inside I will never be who I was before....and neither will those who knew her. She touched our lives, kissed our hearts and when she went Home, part of us went with her....a part of our past, our present and our future. She took a part of our hearts with her too. She is holding those parts in her soul, ready to give them back to us when she meets us at the gates as we come Home. And as Edgar Guest so eloquently put it in the poem he wrote "To all Parents": "Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain, Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again? I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done! "For all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief will run. We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may, And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay. But should the angels call for her much sooner than we'd planned, "We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand." I would take that risk of grief again in a heartbeat....and I will keep trying to understand for the rest of my days. Such a dichotomy..... Much love, Louise (Jilly's mom)
  6. Hi all. I have been away for several weeks. I am sorry to see so many new names here. Welcome to the newbies! You will find this site a rock you can cling to on most days! I have a question for the more seasoned grievers out there.... I was enlightening my coworkers about the most common fear I have found among the parents of angels....that their child will be forgotten. I told them it was ok to mention our angel's names, to talk about them and share a memory of them ESP during the holiday season. They are not "reminding us" of our loss, because there is so rarely a time we are not thinking of our children. One asked me when or if, parents ever got tired of getting cards on their child's birthday or angelversary. 10 years? 20? 30 years out? Do you seasoned parents have an opinion on this? I felt unqualified to answer because Iam only a year out, and when someone mentions my daughter, I feel great joy that they are remembering her too. Any input would be appreciated. Louise~Jilly's mom
  7. Will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow Becky. May JD send you angel kisses and comfort.
  8. I am so sorry for your loss. She was so young. That is so sad. I am here for you for support. Please email me back soon.

    Thank you,

    Samantha

  9. Dee, Brenda, Kate, David and Gretchen....Thank you. This site and it's wonderful members have also helped so much on this journey! I appreciate the support very much and hope that maybe my journal entry has brought just a little bit of comfort to you all. Peace and love. Louise
  10. My journal entry today: It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms. I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours. I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always. 40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it. Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt. I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all!
  11. Louise, things have been crazy here. I am taking steps to try to decrease the stress. Will chat with you soon.

  12. Louise, things have been crazy here. I am taking steps to try to decrease the stress. Will chat with you soon.

  13. Andy, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Triston. If you post his story on "Loss of an adult child" thread, you will find many walking your path. Rage and anger are normal natural reactions to losing our children. So are a variety of other emotions. This site has saved my sanity many nights after losing my daughter in a car accident 9 months ago. Please come back and tell us all about your precious boy.
  14. I am sorry for your loss too. Jilly is beautiful, reminds me of Cara. It is the worst pain, some days I am not sure I am going to make it. I am glad I found this site too, everyone is great and knows what I am going through. Thank you for caring.

  15. Hi Lora,

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is still so fresh, the numbness hopefully still holding on a bit. I lost my 19 year old daughter in a car accident almost 9 months ago. The pain, both physical and emotional, is undescribable to anyone who has not endured it. I am glad you found this site, and look forward to hearing more about your sweet Cara girl.

    Louise (Jilly'...