Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About RMoore

  • Rank

Contact Methods

  • Website URL

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Not Telling
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    Daughter killed
  • Angel Date
    December 2011


  • Last Name
  • First Name
  • Zip
  • Country
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    So much to catch up on here and my brain doesn't work like it used to. I am sure you all understand that. I see many new members and while it is so sad you have to come here we are all here to listen and support you. Seems the chat is quiet lately or maybe I am on at the wrong time. My dad 92 has been in and out of hospital or rehab more than home this year. Currently he is home. I think the loss of Amber took a lot out of him The sentencing for the person responsible for killing Amber was one week before her would be 21st birthday. It was an emotional day and the defendant got 6 years. What I pretty much expected but not what I hoped for. The only court part left is criminal restitution, money doesn't change or undo what has happened. I just have a hard time dealing with only 6 years when the defendant chose to drive on a suspended license, chose to drink, chose to do drugs and because of those choices my daughter is dead. Not to mention after only five months he has almost a year credit because of " good behavior" SMH he has been in a wheelchair, received multiple surgeries at tax payers cost, and been in the med ward so how can he really get in trouble? Yet photos of him have been posted from jail on Facebook ( what happened to no cell phones or cameras?) and he has "trash" posted for him and notes left at the crash site. The only thing I realistically hope for is he never injures or kills again, if he does I will be in the front row of the court room. If any of you are in California I am trying to get some legislation changed or stopped you can see more about that on my FB http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100003822515339&sk=wall Now that it's been almost 6 months it seems the numb is slowly wearing away and reality slowly creeping in. Thanks for listening, I will try to be on more often I miss you all Love hugs PRAYERS Amber's mom
  2. Multiple Losses

    We bumped into eachother thsi mornig, you have a sense of humor!! Hope kitty is doing better. See you in the chat room=) hugs
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    The unexplainable grief we feel /share the "club" we are all now members with a fee we never wanted to pay ..I have often thought aqns said revoke my membership teh cost is too high .. The memories, the nightmares, the dreams.. the dreams left undone .. Abuse of any kind emotional, neglect, physical or otherwise .. it's all hurtful Amber's "MURDERER" sucked the life out of her then killed her in less than a year .. He robbed me of my child the last year she was here on earth and then robbed all of us of a future with her The Town Of July makes me want to cry as it is so moving and takes me back to a place I wish I could forget .. or erase from time like it never happened.. As some of you may know the sentencing is days away.. this Thursday one week before Amber should have turned 21 with her twin sister Emily .. Emily is now forever a twinless twin .. I played my VIS on disc for the DA and she wept .. I hope it's that impactful on the Judge .. I have done all I can do to bring Amber to "life" and not be a case file .. The rest is up to God .. I pray God gives the judge wisdom and Amber's presence is alive in the court room Thursday and we get what little justice is offered yes my brain is fried and it's hard to keep up here.. just know ALL of you are in my thoughts and prayers room
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    I I think of you all often and you are all in my thoughts and prayers . I haven't been able to keep up here lately. It's all an little over whelming at times. My brain still functions like mush and I am going to be diagnosed for PTSD this month. My dad (92) has been in teh hospital 3 times this year and in rehabs twice he is there now. The last time he came home it was for 2 weeks . back in hospital again tehn to a rehab. He has been gone more than home this year this after Amber being killed =( I most recently found out my black Lab has mutiple tumors and I won't be graced by her love and compainionship much longer .. She hasd been like a child to me I love her so much <3 The sentencing for the inmate that killed my daughter is May 24 one week before Amber and her twin would have turned 21 together now Emily will turn 21 a twinless twin =( Now this Torture... Why is it that the %^&*! who KILLED my child seems to have more RIGHTS than I do and is able to continue to TORTURE me from a jail cell? Killing my child wasn't torture enough? He is able to contact my family through a third party asking for his IPOD!! Like his IPOD is a priority when sitting in jail after he has KILLED my precious daughter !! He is able to have his "homies" post on his Facebook GARBAGE that he has written.. and the most recent appalling act you might ask? He has teh menatla ignorance to have someone leave a card at teh CRASH site where he took my daughters life. The only place I go to find a little peace has now been tainted by him. The card is written in jail house pencil and acts as if my daughter is ALIVE !!! He acts as if this is a temporary separation of sorts and they will be or are still together. I won't go into all the hideous details but I will say is horrific PS his pathetic words .. P.S. Have I told you how beautiful you are today? ( winking smile) Te amo babe ! Needless to say I was more than a little ANGRY .. I kept the card and believe me the DA will be seeing it. The Judge made an "order" of sorts in court stating to stop with the online or social network posts and to let others know who aren't in court that is his words. So now leaving messages in person is OK?? He has shown no remorse or sorrow for what happened and now he is leaving notes/cards acting as if my daughter is still here .. saying Have I told you how beautiful you are today !!! I have no words for this scum of the earth, other than he is pathetic an delusional . Thanks to all for letting me vent Love Hugs Prayers Amber's momma
  5. Hol-lee- Many of us can't afford the "luxury" of a nervous breakdown. Many of us have responsabilities we can't just quit life till the pain goes away. I can't begin to tell you how many people say "how strong" I am or how well or amazing I am doing. They have no clue because I too go through the motions of every day life and take care of my dad who is 92. People don't realize we have no real choice but to keep going. They see a some what "normal" exterior and don't see the unexplainable grief ND pain inside, not to mention the emptiness we will never fill that a loved one left behind. All of us here know your pain and we are here to comfort and help you through it in whatever way we can. Love Higs Prayers Amber's momma
  6. If the grief doesn't kill me the so called justice system will =(

    1. Leaf


      Hi Ambers Momma,How are you? its been awhile since i spoke with you.

      i am just okay. i grieve every day and break down a lot and cry when i think

      about my son,James. i miss him so much, wish i could see him,touch him. i talk to him. Did the court case go alright for you? i was thinking about that. i hope you are having some peace. i care. Leaf (Jessica O'L)

    2. Leaf


      Hi Ambers Momma,How are you? its been awhile since i spoke with you.

      i am just okay. i grieve every day and break down a lot and cry when i think

      about my son,James. i miss him so much, wish i could see him,touch him. i talk to him. Did the court case go alright for you? i was thinking about that. i hope you are having some peace. i care. Leaf (Jessica O'L)

  7. If the grief doesn't kill me the so called justice system will =(

  8. It's never "nice" to have a new member but all of are glad you found teh site. We are here to listen be supportive and help you through this. Love and Prayers Amber's Momma

  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sorry I haven't been here much, seems I have become rather reclusive during the past month or so. I miss many of you, don't want to miss anyone so you know who you are. The Judicial System can be more than trying and as many of you know from experience it's far from compassionate and when a precious child is killed, what is Justice anyway? We have maybe 2 more court appearances and this end of of things is over until parole/probation comes up. The Judge actually said there are two tragedies here. Someone lost a life and someone is going to jail. TWO TRAGEDIES? Um, first off my Amber didn't lose her life it was TAKEN, second off going to jail for what I consider a short time compared to what you did, isn't a tragedy it's the law even if it seems the penalty too little to us the family and harsh to you the one being locked up. The DUNK has been openly soliciting character statements on his behave and that makes me sick to my stomach. I have been asking privately for letters in Amber's behave. To think the most this person will get is 10 years is not Justice to be and to know there is a possibility he could get as little as probation is a nightmare. To hear the drunk warned if he does this again he will be charged with MURDER is like a knife in my heart all over again. NEXT TIME .. There should be no next time, what is Amber? A trial run, a learning experience a free pass? I honestly can't really find the words but I know you here understand. It has now been 109 days and the shock and numbness is wearing off. I no longer "want" to go to the tree ( scene of crash) , I don't want or like going to the cemetery I only go when my kids go and I am with them ( as support). I am having a hard time figuring out the true difference between denial and acceptance. I know Amber is gone .. I know she is never ever coming back , yet I still mentally run to places of "there must be something we can do" , I wake up in a panic thinking I need to be at the hospital and crazy other things. Like many of you here I have never done this before , there are no directions on ho to lose a child, how to grieve, how to accept etc.. My meds are not working like they used to and I took 2 the last court appearance, it didn't phase me . I wept in the hallway of the court house as if we were still at the hospital ( too bad the judge didn't see that) I have to prepare a victim impact statement soon and while the thoughts and words go racing trough my mind I can't seem to actually put it together. In my mind I MUST speak for Amber yet to reveal my deepest feelings and pain in sort of way I feel gives the DRUNK a sick sense of power. Yet if I don't speak he has power also. How does a parent sum up in 3 to 5 minutes what this has done to them and their family. How do I get a cold and calloused system to realize my daughter was a huge lose to many, not just her family and friends, but her community as well. How on Earth does a parent do that successfully? I know at some point I need to seek counseling but for now all I have is you here and believe me it has been a survival line. I know I would be dealing or coping way worse without all of you here. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you on a constant daily basis. My deepest condolences to the new members here. While it's good you found the site to help you get through this all of us wish you never had the "need" to come here . Feel free to email me it's on my page. LOVE HUGS PRAYERS Amber's Momma
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    The laws here are so so it's the penalty that is a JOKE the driver had a suspended DL for over five years and drove anyway and now LAPD wants to STOP impounding cars that is crazy. People will drive a friends car or relatives car because the penalty if caught with no DL or suspended DL is a joke. The sad part is we have something called Watson Murder Law but to use it yuo have to KILL someone will DUI and then sign you have been told about the law and when you kill again you will be charged with second degree murder .. so my child is like a pass or learning experiance?
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    JD's MOM Becky I haven't been able to post everything either because of "the case pending" , I have a million unanswered questions that I "need" answers to not really "want" answers to. Honestly I doubt I will ever know the whole truth as to what happened that night. My gut or mothers intuition says there is much more to this and it has even before the rumors and speculation started. To read in a hospital chart my daughter was with child was beyond devastating, then to learn he can't be charged because of the legal definition of life was even more so. To hear my daughter "chose" to get in the car is like a knife in me. She was under 21 being served in a bar and had no fake ID yet people say she made a choice to drink or a choice to get in the car? So why have drinking ages if the kids will be blamed?why have laws that PROTECT the bars? Sad to say if my daughter had been driving that night ( and her BAC was lower than drivers) and they had crashed the bar would have been held legally resistible. Yet they continue to let and encourage underage females into their business. The driver broke at least 7 laws that I am aware of yet I find out he could get as little as probation? Also we have been told "if" he does this again he will do twice the time !! So what my daughter was a test run, a pass, a lesson to be learned? I don't blame GOD nor do I believe it was God's will to kill my child with a drunk driver. The driver had free will he chose to drink he chose to drive and alcohol is of the devil not GOD. We have received no apology and the person who took my daughters life had the nerve to ask if my family found his IPOD!! Sorry but if you are more worried about an IPOD than the fact you killed my daughter and a few weeks before court find "jail house religion" I have a hard time having sympathy or compassion for you. I know someday I am supposed to forgive but when you lie to the police saying my daughter was driving I have a hard time getting to forgiveness. The bottom line is we all lost a child the pain is beyond belief let alone the words to describe it. No matter how they passed its still hurts. sorry if it sounds like I am ranting court soon and my nerves are shot Love Hugs Prayers .. for some reason it wouldn' t post as a reply?
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    I often woder lately the differance between denial and acceptance. Maybe it's the brain "knows" but the heart denies or can't accept IDK. I have mornings I wake up in a panic thinking I need to rush to the hospital because Amber is still there and needs me. I even have moments when a pang goes through my heart if I don't have my cell phone with me because I might miss a call saying she is going to be ok. I still say her name along with my other girls names out of habbit, I have to slow down and think to skip her name now. I still look for her when her sisters come by thinking to myself ,. "where's Amber?" I know in my brain she is gone yet I still have crazy thoughts like there must be something we can do. Driving in the car is the worst time for me all alone I break down at times or just think oh Amber Amber Amber my little Amber. I found out a few days ago I now talk in my sleep. Spent the night with my girls, I had a feeling it was going to be a bad night. Amber's twin Emily informed me.. "Mommy you talk in your sleep and its loud" I said yeah right, what did I say? Emily responded " Not like I was trying to remember, something something Amber then something something Amber." Can we all say PTSD? I am sure most of us have it in some way or another not to mention the kids we have here on earth most likely do to. They say anger covers up sadness or other feelings I think denial or non acceptance is a way of avoiding pain but its my opinion or perhaps its the body's or brains way of protecting us just like the shock and numbness does for the first few months , so I have found. As a mother we protect, nurture, comfort , it is against every mother's instinct to let go of a child let alone not be able to fix or comfort when they need us. It is also against the natural order of things to bury a child so I think it seems unreal hard to believe like a very bad dream. I know when we go to court it seems very unreal like it isn't happening , like I am in the Twilight Zone. Once it's over for that day I walk out into the hall and take a deep breath and sigh it's over for today. Love Hugs Prayers Amber's momma
  13. Amber Rose

    Amber was identified as gifted in the visual arts very young a teacher had her tested. She was very talented in art of many kinds always starting trends or styles and she loved the 40's style as well as the music. This site is all that keeps me half sane, for all of you know the undescribable pain we feel like we can't breathe at times. It's so tragic we have to meet this way but I am truly tahnkful for all of you and find some comfort knowing my Amber has many new angel friends up in heaven. Yes I am sellfish and wish she was here but God had Mercy and Grace and didnt let her suffer. I too begged for God to come to Amber's home and save her, little did I know she was already safe in his loving arms. The hospital put us through Hell and needlessly prolonged things, that is a whole story by itself. I am on mild meds and care for my dad who is 92 jsut going through the motions. He has been hospitalized twice since we lost Amber and now he is in a rehab/care center. Having to go to court next week and stay on top of the case is all that really keeps me going yet it stops the grieving from a natural course. I just know its a pain and an emptiness that will be with my family long after the piece of garbage who killed her gets out of jail. Love, Hugs, Prayers Amber's momma
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Try reading The Shack.. it was very comforting to me and if nothing else it opens up your mind and gives food for thought <3 I have had a rather trying day myself today seems the numb is wearing off now.. Tears.. If tears could wash away the pain, the pain would have been gone so long ago the pain of so many who love you and I love too, their pain would be washed away a million tears ago.. if the tears could bring you back, you surely never would have left and we would have never seen you go.. if tears were gathered together they'd surely over flow the sea I wish the tears could tell you , how much you mean to me The tears can't heal a heartache or bring you back again I can only hold the tears so long, until they burst from within
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just been a littke overwhelmed by the system and lack of support out there for the victims family its so crazy and sad. The support here is all I have and it does help. I think it's going to be a very long week waiting to see what happens this time. The pic is so pretty thank you so much, hope to find you in the chat soon Love Hugs Prayers Ambe's momma