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About Kapet

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    Lost my younger brother


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    United States
  1. How do i grieve?

    I am in the same boat. I lost my little brother in September 2011, I still cant except he is gone. He was 38 and it was also unexpected. I spoke to him the day before, he was fine. My son was with him until 1am and he was fined then too. Then the next morning he just didnt wake up. I was extremely close to him. We spoke all the time. I still wait for his calls. I walk into to my parents house where he lived and yell out to him. Now I feel the anxiety building because his birthday is coming up and Im not sure how to handle it. I wish I could help you but apparently I cant even help myself. All I know is what people and drs tell me... Its a process. There is no time limit and know right or wrong way. You have to do what makes you feel better. I cant speak to my family either. My mom, Im pretty sure she thinks Im losng it. My dad breaks down, I know my sister thinks Ive lost it. And she tells me Im grieving wrong because Im not doing what she does. My older brother called me a downer. I cant speak to my children even though they are older (19, 19, and 22 today) My husband says he doesnt think Im crazy but no and then I see him looking at me like hes just waiting for me to flip. I dont like to burden my friends, so Im basically on my own through this process. Except for a few people I talk to here on this site. They are very caring and understanding. They know what were going through because they are ging through it too. Im on every now and then if you ever want to chat let me know when youll be on. We all need to vent or just talk at some point..I miss my little brother soooo much. Im sure you miss yours too. Kapet

    Thats awful! People just have no respect for the resting or for the loved ones that have to visit them. My dad put mums out last fall. They were beautiful. Very hearty. The next day tey were gone. Thats really the only thing that has been stolen off his grave. My dad always had a thing for ornaments at christmas time. For every special event that happened that year or just because he liked it. He would buy them. If he sees one he likes he always buys 2. 1 for his tree and 1 for mine. I do the same thing to him. This past christmas he bought an ornament for Steve. A crystal angel sitting on a brass bell. The bell is engraved... Everytime a bell rings a special angel gets his wings. Dad bought a few of them. 1 for his tree 1 for mine and a few in case it disappeared from the grave. We went together and hung it on his name plate. Its still there. I have placed a glass mirrored I love You poem over his name plate and thats still there too. My son and his girlfriend decorated and tiny christmas tree for him and thats even still there. But to go out joy riding through a cemetary and drive over someones grave is so disrespectful. I just couldnt believe what I saw. Im sorry for your loss. And Im sorry you cant put things there for fear they will be taken. Its not right! But Im sure he knows you care. Before the grass grew there were alot of little stones and pebbles around. I was sitting beside his gravesite. While I was talking to him I was playing with the stones. I ended up with quite a little pile there. So I decided to leave a message. I used them to write "I love you!" I pressed each one into the ground. The grass has grown somewhat but I can still see the stones there. I know my message to my little brother will always be there.

    So I went to the cemetary to visit my brother yesterday. I get there and I notice tire track going across where his feet would be. I looked around and noticed tire tracks in circular motion all around the area where he is burried. I was so upset I started to cry. So this morning I called the public works dept and demanded to speak to the person in charge. I told him what I saw. He said it may have been their trucks going in to dig another plot. There are only 2 other people burried near my brother and they have been there for years. He asked what section Steve is in. When I told him he said OMG theres nobody out there except a few. He said he would take a ride ot there and call me back. So he did, He tried telling me that they were tractor track from October. REALLY??? I lost it! OCTOBER?? We are in March! Tire tracks would not still be there. And I am there almost every day I think I would have noticed tire tracks before now! After I screamed at him for a while telling him to use his common sense, He told the police go through there all the time. I explained that I am there just about every day at different times of the day and when I go Im usually there for at least an hour if not longer. I have NEVER seen any cruisers in that cemetary. Or as I drive by there. He finally apologized and said he would look into it for me. I told him how to me it looks like someone has been joy riding through there. Who would do such a thing??? Isnt it bad enough that we have to visit our loved ones there without having to get there and see something like this! IM SO DAMN ANGRY!

    Thank you Kate. m so trying to get some sleep. I catually collapsed last night. The bad thing was I brought my husband down with me. 2 of my sons came running. They picked up my husband (he is ok) He was just shaken up. Then they picked me up and got me into bed. I was able to sleep for 3 hours. But then I was up the rest of the night. Ive tried sleeping pills. for some reason they dont work. But thank you very much and your in my thoughts too!
  5. Im still trying to deal with my little brothers death. I have not been able to except it at all! Then my aunt passed away 6 months to the day after my brother. On Friday my son (Joey) called me on my cell at work. He was crying and sounded paniced on the phone. He said they're taking dad! I asked who was taking dad? His phone went dead. I called him right back and asked what he was talking about. He said the fire dept is here and the paramedics are here with an ambulance and they're taking dad away. I yelled whats going on! His phone went dead again. I called back and he said he didnt know what was going on. I told him to have his brother (Michael) come pick me up. Then I called his brother (they are twins, 19 yrs old) My older son (Anthony, 21) was at work. I got no answer on his phone. The principal at the school I work at said she would drive me home. We were all set to leave when Michael called me, he said dad had a heart attack and said he was on his way to get me. I went outside to wait and decided I would start walking to meet up with him. I kicked off my shoes and began running down the street. I saw a police car pass by, then I heard the sirens. I looked up and there was the ambulance with Michael following right on his tail. I jumped in the car and we were off. Drafting the ambulance the whole way there I kept telling him to back off a little. We made it te the hospital at the same time as the ambulance. Went into the ER and waiting what seemed to be forever. I was able to ride with my husband up to the Cath Lab in the elevator. 3 minutes. He was grey, cold and clammy. We waited again... My older son, my dad and my sister met us at the hospital and waied with us. The dr finally came into the waiting room and said this was a close call. They were able to put in a stent and clear the blockage that caused his heart attack. They are monitoring him very closly to make sure he doesnt arrest again. Although he will be ok it still seems to add to my depression and anxiety issues. Ive been having problems sleeping since I lost my brother in Sept as it is, Now its just worse. Im not sleeping at all. Im overwhelmed and dont know what to do. They say god doesnt give you what you cant handle, Well I think he needs to read the memo... IVE HAD MORE THAN MY SHARE! I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE! He is pushing me so far over the edge I dont know which way is up anymore. :'(
  6. Anxiety issues are building

    Thank you Vivian, There are so many mountains I feel like im on my hands and knees crawling through the Rockies I just feel like things will never get better. Im not really speaking to my sister right now or my other brother. We had a bit of a falling out. My sister and I were spending alot of time together not too long ago. We were running errands together and going to the cemetary and just hanging out. She works overnight and I work during the day. She has been having problems with her kids so I stepped in to help. She is divorced and gets no backing from her X. I ended up going off on her kids explaining that Im tired of seeing my sister upset and crying because you cant do what your supposed to do. So they tarted helping her more. My sister is enemic and hasnt been feeling to good. Because she works overnight and I work during the day, we havent had much time to hang out but still were keeping in touch. Since I dont sleep much we text at night to help her stay awake on her job. Sometimes I dont feel like talking. I just want to sit abd do nothing. I try and try to fall asleep. Then a few weeks ago I decided I needed to take my godson for the weekend. He is 4 and a very busy little boy. He keeps my mind off my reality. I posted a picture of him on facebook as we were sitting in the driveway coloring o the driveway i colored chalk. She commented, Im glad you have him in your life to bring you some joy. I said Me too! It had been not even a week since we spoke at that point and have tried reaching out to my older brother and he called me a downer. My sister is upset with me because I dont want to go to counselling WITH her and her daughter. #1 Im not ready to do it face to face. #2 When I am ready I think it is something that I wwant to do by myself. Well because Im not doing it the way she is, Im doing it wrong. I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose them but at the same time I feel that I need to do whats right for me. I am friends with a family that Ive been friends with since I was 4 years old. We are still very close. My godson is from that famly. While I had my godson, I stopped at my moms house so he could visist her. He calls her Gamma. My sister called my mother while Aiden and I were there and she heard Aiden in the background.and asked who was there. My mom said Karen and Aiden stopped by to visit. I could hear my sister yelling into my mothers ear saying Karen spends oo much time with her imaginary family. Then said how I need to cut this **** out and go with her to couselling. When I heard what she said I yelled back I do what I can do for me whether you like it or not. I saw the look n my mothers face. I knew she didnt want to get in the middle and I didnt want to put her there. So I just walked out of the room crying and went and sat in Stevs room until I could clear my head. My sister and I haven really spoken since and that was 2 weeks ago. I dont need the negativity i get from her. I dont need her or anyon else telling me how to grieve. My brother and I were very close and as much as I kow she is hurting too, I know I need to take care of me first. She and my older brother have always been close as Steve and I were always close. I dont know how to go on without him. I could tell him anything and everything and did. Now I feel alone and empty. He understood everything about me and everything I was going through in my life. Now I feel I have no one to confide in and just talk to. I just need him back! I want him back! It just still doesnt seem real. I expect to see him when I go to my mom and dads. I hear im sometimes. I dont know how o go on!
  7. I thought things would start getting easier as time passed. Its NOT! I miss my brother Steve soooooo much! It hurts everyday! I need him and I dont know how to go on without him. He was not just my little brother but my best friend. Its been since this past September but I still cant let him go! I cant except that he is gone. Not for now and not forever! I just need him so much! My anxiety issues are building. Ive been having more and more panic attacks. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO JUST GO ON???
  8. I miss my little brother so much!

    Thank you. And I hope your doing well. its nice to have someone to talk to that understands...
  9. new to this...

    Hi Lao, Im so sorry for your loss. I understand what your going through. I lost my little brother on September 6th. We also still have no answers. He was in a diving accident 16 years ago but was only paralized. He was 8 years younger than me, so when he was born I took over and became mommys little helper. We grew up teasing my mom telling her that she may have given birth to him but he is my baby. After his diving accident he went into a coma. When he came out of the coma I was standing there. His first words to me when he came out of the coma were, "can I still be your baby?" I cried so hard and told him he will always be my baby. He was paralized from the chest down. Since his accident he has graduated with a degree from college and has began to further his education. His plan was to become a child psycologist. As children I was like a second mother to him as adults we became friends and then best friends. We hung out very often and talked on the phone almost daily. I have and older brother as well and a younger sister. As it seems Sherry and Tim were close, and Steve and I were close. Dont get me wrong. I got along with them as well but it just wasnt the same. Steve and I always had a special connection. I spoke to him on the phone on September 5th. It was the typical conversation we always have. Joking and laughing. I was at work when he called. We spoke for about 25 minutes then I had to go to wait on someone. I told him I had to go and he said ok but I need to tell you something first. I said ok, what? He said I love you, your my favorite sister in the whole wide world. (that was something he always said to me. He would say it to my sister too and then he would turn and wink at me. ) It became our thing. Which one of us was his favorite? lol. Anyway, So I laughed and said I love you too Steve and you know your my favorite brother in the whole wide world too, but I gotta go. He said ok but oh I really need to tell you something seriously. I said ok but make it quick. He said again, your my favorite sister in the whole wide world and I love you! We laughed so hard and told him again I love him too. Then we hung up. My son Michael went over that night to hang out with him. I have 3 sons. Anthony 21, Michael and Joseph 19. (twins) They were all more than Uncle to Nephews as well. They were all friends too. Michael and Steve were hanging out in Steves room watching movies and talking, joking around and so on. Steve fell asleep around 1am so Michael decided to come home. I got up in the morning and went to work as usual. Around 10am I went to go on my break. I walked outside with my phone. Just as I got out the door, my phone rang. It was my older brother Tim. He told me Steve was dead. I yelled at him and accused him of lying and having a horrible sense of humor. He said do you really think I would joke about something like that? I said no. I ran back in and cant remember much that happened while I was there except for what they told me when I returned to work a week later. I fell over while standing at my desk. Unsteady on my feet. My brother picked me up from work and I went to the house. Steve was still in his room in his bed. Police were there and said we could go into his room but not touch him or anything in the room until the coroner came. I decided to stay out because I knew it would be impossible not to touch him. After the coroner left I went into his room. My parents and my brother were on the porch with the door open. I went in by myself and stood there looking at my baby brother. He looked like he was sleeping. I began to cry. I heard what sounded like him trying to take a breath. I started screaming at him to breathe also saying I know your still in there! Just breathe. Apparently I was stamping my feet and screaming so bad that my dad and my brother came running in. My brother said my name and my dad put his hand on my shoulder and I passed out and dropped to the floor. My mother sat on the porch crying when she heard me telling him to wake up. My sons showed up very distraught. Michael in total disbelief because he was just with him and he was fine. An autopsy was done and we still have no answers as to what happened to Steve. I still find myself picking up the phone to call him. I walk into my parents house and sometimes yell out Hey Steve! I hear his voice calling my name and sometimes I think I see him in the shadows. I feel him here with me. Although I havent been able to except his death yet. It just cant be real!!! I need him so much! and miss him terribly! I havent gone one day without crying yet and I dont know if I ever will. Even though I am the second oldest out of the four of us, they always treat me like Im the baby. Ive always been the more sensative one out of us kids. And when it comes to death it gets even worse. And with Steve its just unbearable!!! I feel like I will never get over this loss and go back to being me. I miss being me. I used to have fun and like to go out with my friends and do things. But now, I feel I have no energy. He was in a wheelchair for 16 years. I keep telling myself, but hes walking now. It doesnt make me feel better. Thanksgiving everyone came to my house. It was very quiet all day. I remember thinking, I want the ramps back in my front doorway to trip over, I want my livingroom carpet crumpled up under his wheels, I want the laughter and joking being heard through the house while Im cooking in the kitchen. I want my Steve here! Christmas wass even worse. I woke up had my coffee and began to cry. My 4 year old godson came over that morning so we could give him his gifts. My son Anthony is his godfather. We exchanged gifts with him and his mother. When they left my kids opened their gifts. While they were sitting there in the livingroom talking about the things they got I asked if they would mind if I went to lay down. They knew I was upset so they said go ahead. I slept the whole day. I never cooked anything or even woke up until 1130 that night. I apologized to my family and they all hugged me and said it was ok they understood. My husband tries so hard to console me and tells me to let it out when I need to. I find myself these days spending alot of time in my basement because I dont want to upset my kids by crying constantly, so I hide. or I try to keep it in.
  10. I miss my little brother so much!

    Feeling like Im at the end of my rope. I broke down again this morning. I miss him so much! I just cant handle this. I need him more than he will ever know. Not only my little brother but my best friend! We were always there for eachother and now I feel alone. My days seem empty without his tender voice, witty jokes, and his hugs. I dont know how to let him go. I cant do this!
  11. I miss my little brother so much!

    If he only knew how much I need him right now!!!!!!!!! He is the beat of my heart. I need my Steve soooo much!
  12. I miss my little brother so much!

    Thank you, and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts as well. It is very raw for us as well. The pain is unbelievable and sometimes im not sure which direction im heading. I see the hurt in my parents as well. Steve was 38. He lived with my parents and they did most of his caregiving. Mostly my dad. Mom has arthritis in her knees and shoulder so she is limited but my dad, He just turned 74 last Thursday and is still strong enough to lift my brother out of bed and into his wheelchair and from the wheelchair into bed. They had the lift instaled when the accident first happened but dad says the only thing its good for is bumping his head on. lol. Steves passing was so sudden and totally unexpected. I feel lost . On Thanksgiving everyone came to my house. It is usually filled with laughter and joking. This year was very quiet. Every year the day after Thanksgiving we always go out to get our tree. I said this year I didnt feel like it but my oldest son (21) insisted. So I did it for them. The kids and I went out tree hunting. Brought the tree home, got it in the stand. he next day I strung the lights and started putting ornaments on. I bursted into tears and couldnt do it. So my tree which normally has at least one ornament on every branch only had about 30 on the whole tree. Christmas day came and My niece brought her son over. He is my godson and my oldest son is his godfather. Aiden is 4. We exchanged gifts ad they left. My kids open their gifts and I went back to bed. I didnt cook at all. My kids and my husband understood. and for that I am grateful. They let me sleep the day away. I dont go out much anymore. I jus dont feel like it. Some of my friends are upset with me because I dont. But Im just not up to it. I have 3 sons. Anthony is 21, Michael and Joseph are 19. Ive been married 25 years this coming March. I love watching NASCAR and I am a part of Smokey's Racing. My niece drives a race car. She will be 16 in February. She started when she was 14. She gets it from her father who was racing first. But those are my hobbies. NASCAR, Friends, and famly.
  13. Thank you for leaving a comment on my page. Its nice to know someone out there can relate. feel free to email me as well. lthodos@hotmail.com

  14. Thank you for leaving a comment on my page. Its nice to know someone out there can relate. feel free to email me as well. lthodos@hotmail.com