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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Jeff's Mom

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Everything posted by Jeff's Mom

  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks Dianne. Much appreciated.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    LouAnn...I know that the news you are hearing on the radio and TV is very depressing and it can bring you down. I would love you to do me a huge favour. Please do try to get outside and not focus as much on death. Have you considered volunteering at a shelter or something that will keep you so occupied and busy that you will be completely absorbed even if only for a short time. Perhaps a part time job at a greenhouse where you could help with the upcoming preparations for the planting season. I know it has been a long winter... but it is almost behind us. We headed out today and the warmth of the sun on our face was pure bliss! The days are lengthening and spring is not far off. You sound as if you have been really busy getting things in order. Not a bad idea at all. It is always good to keep one step ahead and by making sure your house is in order it will help your family down the road. I have done the same thing. I bet you were a girl guide. Ok, today I have had a song in my head all day that I can't get rid of. This really dates me but it was by Jackie DeShannon in the late sixties. Put A Little Love in Your Heart. Could someone that is more computer savvy please post it for me. Thanks in advance.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you, Dee. Written from the heart. Tina, thank you for giving us your perspective on guns. I agree about the need to increase help for the mentally ill. Your health care system and gun laws need changing. I am really sorry that you are in such a place that you feel people are not empathetic to the pain of others. That may be true to a point but there are many out there who truly care and will do whatever they can to be of support. When I first found this site it was shortly after my Jeff died. It was the first site that came up. I read for a bit and then joined. I did not stay at first. I was in too much pain and could not talk about it. I came back some time later. By reading the views of others further along I came to see that they had somehow worked to get to a point of finding a degree of happiness in their lives again. I needed to see that. It gave me hope. I knew it would not be easy, but with the help and support of those further along I found the strength to face the ups and downs of this awful place I was in. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for staying. When that young man reached out to me at that time the timing was perfect. I almost felt as if my boy had sent him to me to focus on doing something positive that helped and did not allow me to dwell on his death. That young man got back to me a year later with the nicest message. He had found his way back in a healthy way. No drugs, etc. He had found employment in London and a new residence. His life was back on track. What a lovely young man he was. It felt good to know I had offered an ear to listen to him at a difficult time. We never know who is reading and what they are processing while doing so. The people on this site come from various places and hold different views on many subjects. We try to listen and learn. When I offered my viewpoint yesterday it was out of concern. We had witnessed yet another loss of life that was beyond difficult to fathom. I was horrified. If only your parties would join together and work on these issues together for the greater good of all people there. Not divided down the middle and arguing about who is right and who is wrong all the time. Use the energy to find a solution to these problems so that your most precious and valued children and their teachers who you leave in their care daily will be safe. Use your voices to demand a change. You do have control. Work together and not use the energy to divide yourselves. You may not agree on the gun issue, but you do agree that your kids need to be safe. Find a way to do it. Demand health care changes that will provide for the mentally ill. Peggy....hang on with both hands. You will find the strength to continue. These are early days for you as it is for many others. Know that you are surrounded by those that understand and care. Susan, and Leah...hope you are doing ok. Kate
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, you stay. It is I that should leave. I am not from your country. I will never understand your culture as hard as I try. I can leave my home without locking my door and not fear for my safety or that my home will be broken into. I am not comparing my country to yours... but offering a view of how it works for us without the use of guns. I will always care about the well being of others. That is how I am. I have spent almost eight years on this site. I remember vividly spending an entire week with a young man from England that first Xmas of my grieving that was suicidal. I stayed and walked alongside him during that entire holiday period because I was concerned for him. I have given what I can... but in all honesty? I do not have the desire or heart to do this any longer. Work it out yourselves. It is your problem. I was not attacking your constitution.... but explaining to another member that it is written that you have the right to carry arms. We are talking about automatic weapons that take multiple lives and not hunting rifles. People here hunt as well. I am so glad that I was born where I was. I will always be proud to be a Canadian! Oh, and just out of curiosity...can you name any of our provinces? Any Prime Ministers? I doubt it. There is life beyond the States. Show some respect.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I agree with some of the things that the teacher stated. Our kids are subjected to so much gratuitous violence. They begin to lose touch with reality. Truly the bottom line is this...we often say that if it isn't broken then why fix it? In this case it is no longer working and it needs to be changed very quickly. Talking about the gun deaths is no different than talking about deaths due to drugs, etc. We need to get it out into the open and deal with it before another mass shooting takes place. And it will take place. In 2017 there was a total of 15, 591 shooting deaths in the States . In Canada it was 225. If you take the population difference of the States compared to Canada and multiply by ten there are seven times more deaths by gunshot in the States. In 2017 the number of kids from 0-11 that were injured and killed were 732. 12-17 injured or killed 3,234. Ten a day! And mass killings are considered two or more were 346 in 2017... due to gun violence. LouAnn these numbers are staggering. We studied American History for the entire year in tenth grade. British History in Grade Eleven. We knew all of the States and their Constitution. And it is written into the Constitution about the right to carry firearms. We respect the rights but it isn't working any longer. Changes need to take place NOW.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, we can't bring back the lives of those lost the other day...but we can sure as heck work together to make it as hard as we can to ensure that it doesn't happen again! There have been far too many. It must stop. How can we not as grieving parents recognize the agony that these parents are suffering? We need to speak up loud and clear that we need to feel safe in our environment. This will not go away unless it is dealt with properly.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Well, I always tend to put my head in a noose when I speak my mind... but some things have to be said ....and sitting on my hands is not the way to get things accomplished. Dee, I am behind you 100%. This has got to stop. Clearly owning guns has not proven to make anyone safe from what I have seen. In fact it is just the opposite. How a young person could get his hands on an automatic AR 15 rifle is beyond me. Quite frankly I also take offence at Mr. Trump automatically assuming that all gun deaths are caused by people suffering from mental health issues. And if that is truly the case how the heck did they get the guns to begin with? Yes, it has happened. There are also some truly rotten to the core people that are just plain bad that have no conscience. Taking a life is of no consequence to them whatsoever. Are you implying that it is not safe to live in or visit the States unless you are armed? Well it didn't work the other day did it? Changes need to be implemented at once. I say at once.... and not a moment sooner. This can not be allowed to continue. And it will continue unless people step up and put a stop to it. Explain that to the parents of those kids that are dead that it is ok to own a gun. If any of you are reading on this site looking for comfort and support that lost a child that day you most definitely have mine. I will not rest until I do whatever is possible to ensure that there will be no more loss of innocent lives such as your precious child. No explanation could ever satisfy us as to the right to carry firearms when I see such loss of life. You most definitely have my sympathy. Kate Guess I'll get kicked off the site for this...so be it.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mr. President...we don't need condolences and prayers. We need action to stop this now! My heart goes out to the families and young people that lost their lives in this deplorable act.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy, hold on with both hands. This is a terrible period you are facing. You are still in shock and the raw pain of your loss is still unbelievable. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You honestly have not had time to really adjust to what has happened. People are only trying to help in the only way they know how. They do not really understand... but are acting out of the kindness of their hearts. You need time to cocoon and find a private space to just breathe. Tell them this in a kind way. That you appreciate their concern but you need to be alone for this period to try to sort out what has happened. I can guarantee you that this pain you are feeling will one day soften to a dull ache. We have all gone through this. It takes time and patience. Find comfort in whatever way you can by reading books on grieving, attending a group therapy... or one on one session. Let your heart slowly lead the way. Don't be forced into doing what others feel is best for you. When you want to get more involved just let them know. It will get easier... but not just yet. We are here for you.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Colleen, I understand your thoughts as to celebrating a life well lived. I honestly do not think that it is easy at any age to lose someone that we have come to love and that has played an important part in our lives. Our interaction has been cut short and we miss the connection. Whether they be ten or a hundred. I truly loved it when funerals took a turn years ago. The idea of a Celebration of Life really appeals to me. Recalling the good times and happier moments of that persons life is essential to a healthier way of coping with their loss. We held a Celebration of Life for Jeff. It was far from the normal by traditional standards. I planned his memorial for a few months. We decided to hold it in the summer at his birthday time. A time where we could all gather in a beautiful place overlooking the water and really enjoy our memories of him. No doom and gloom for us. There was music, great food, and wonderful stories shared. Many I had never heard before. It did our heart good to see him so fondly thought of. There was a sadness in his loss... but also a sense of happiness that he had been a part of their lives. He touched many in such a good way. One of the nicest and finest men I have ever know was a man that lived to his late nineties. He had the right idea about his approach to life. Don't sweat the small stuff. And he didn't. He told me one time that the hardest part of living to is age was the fact that most of his good friends were now gone. He missed them terribly. He had the ability to live each day as it came and take the good as it was presented to him. His funeral was more traditional and yet there really was no sadness. There was the understanding that he had lived a long and very full life. It was simply his time to go. The age old question as to why a young person is called will never be answered in our life. How we wish we knew the answer to that. I can only HOPE that as they were taken at such a young age they had completed whatever they needed to do and were called back to a wonderful place. While we are still here living with the trials and tribulations of this life they have been given freedom to enjoy a wonderful existence that we can't begin to imagine. I'm sure their hope for us to gather ourselves together and let the anger and sadness go as they watch how we are dealing with their loss. They would most definitely want us to be happy as we want that for them. Love is like that isn't it? It never dies.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hope is indeed everything Dee. When I first found this site it was about all that I was able to cling too. The hope that this horrible nightmare would somehow be understood by others that were walking the same path. I loved what Susan said in an earlier post about Mother Nature and Father Time. Oh, so true! The loss always remains and the ache. Yet with patience and hard work we start to lift ourselves up and begin to find a new path towards living life with happiness again. It will be forever changed...however it will still enter our lives again... IF we allow it. I am so sorry to see so many new people... but I am glad that you are able to reach out as we did to find that understanding and comfort. You never have to go through this alone. Hope is what it is all about. We hope for a better day. We hope that we will see our child again. If I did not have hope I honestly do not think I could have survived this loss. Those that are further along discuss their daily lives to give hope that one day even the little interests we once had will once again be of some importance. Life continues even after such a tragic loss. And it does take shape again...but it takes time. I am sending wishes to everyone for improved health if you are suffering from illness. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to All, Kate
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just a message to say I am reading and thinking of everyone. I hope that all of those who are recovering from various illnesses will soon be back to their old selves. Lou Ann, did you see the Jets game last night? Ross was glued to his chair at the end. I agree that you are an excellent Mom, Gram and person Dee! I always love hearing stories about your little ones. I can picture then now. Are they still able to skate given the warm weather outside? It must be an indoor rink? I also agree with you about music. I walked around after Jeff died in silence for approximately two years. Could not listen to anything emotional. I have to admit that there are still triggers with certain songs that remind me of Jeff when I hear them. What is different now is that as much as I feel an ache in my heart... I also feel a strong connection to those songs now. Just a few days ago Viva La Vida came on by Coldplay.... and it stopped me in my tracks. He seemed close somehow. Susan, Leah, Lesley, I hope you are all starting to feel a bit better. I am having what my mother would have called a Lucille Ball mood day. This flu is just plain nasty. They decided that I am high risk and are giving me a med called Oseltamivir. It saps the energy right out of me. Still... if it keeps the darned thing at bay... than so be it. An excellent day to drink hot tea and rest. Dianne, Laurie, how are you? Tina, I am so glad that you are heading in the right direction with your son and yourself. It is a difficult step to take... but it looks as if that first one...which is so very hard... was finally met head on. Good for you. Legend says that hummingbirds float free of time...carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Their delicate grace reminds us that life is indeed rich...beauty is everywhere...every personal connection has meaning. Laughter is one of life's greatest creation. When we laugh we are filled with happiness and joy. I can picture those kids of ours now having a blast and enjoying that which filled their hearts with happiness. And laughing to their hearts content. Love to All, Kate
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, thanks for letting us know how you are doing. I'm glad to hear that you are with your parents. Take it easy and hopefully each day will see a slight improvement. Colleen, how are you these days? I know you had been feeling rather low of late. Sandy, how are things with you? How is Kelly? Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    GoneTooSoon, I read your post and wanted to say how deeply moved I was. Your son sounds like he was a beautiful human being. I am so sorry that he had to struggle with these health issues and the circumstances surrounding his untimely death. I wish that I could answer the questions that would help to ease your sorrow a bit. It does indeed sound from the autopsy results as if he was extremely physically ill. It also appears to me as if he had great faith and a charitable heart. Throughout my own struggles in life I have held on to my faith to help carry me through some very dark and difficult times. My own personal belief is that our Creator or God is one of all encompassing love. Your son will be embraced by this love. His worldly struggle are now over and he is at peace. My heart goes out to his young family and to you his parents who have lost such a special husband, father, and son. Please hang on to the fact that you will once again be reunited. This is an extremely crushing and painful time you are facing. Be confident that slowly your grief will subside and all of the wonderful and beautiful memories you hold of him will give you comfort. Kate
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    No, not at all. Everyone is welcome. I hope that you will feel free to join in and make a contribution... as well as helping. We look forward to your posts.
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, how did your surgery go? I'm sure you are glad that it is over with. Do you have anyone to help you during the recovery period? Leah, I bet it kicked in today after such a long haul yesterday. Rest and heal. One day at a time! Susan, hope you are recovering nicely. Let your kids spoil you! LouAnn, I agree that others are not comfortable when we bring up the name of our child. Many simply do not know what to say. I also am very tired of a few of my friends that talk about their kids ad nauseum. Honestly, give it a rest already. As if we don't have other kids as well as our child that died. I woke up this morning to a thick layer of hoarfrost covering the branches and low lying shrubs. The patterns of snowflakes and snow laden branches produced a beautiful scene in the low angle of the winter sun. A few weeks ago when it was very cold we were treated to quite the display of sundogs. They are a result of sunlight refracting off of ice crystals suspended in the air. The upcoming month is a busy one... as there are many ice Festivals being held around the province. The Festival du Voyageur in St. Boniface is a huge attraction in February. Ice Sculpting, Dog sled races, fiddling, and people walking around in traditional voyageur costumes. Beaded moccasins, Raccoon hats and red sashes which are a sight to see. Frozen maple ice cones, tourtiere, etc. Lots of singing, dancing and drinking. LouAnn, to actually view the car races properly on the lake you have to drive your own vehicle onto the ice out a distance to see it. It has become a very popular thing to do the past few winters. Well, Ross is still barking like crazy and hopefully a bit of rest will tone it down for hopefully an outing tomorrow. Take care everyone and sleep well. Kate
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, I was sorry to hear about the problems your girls are encountering. I know how difficult this past while has been for you. Your little Grandies are adorable. I am sending loving thoughts and hope that things will be resolved in a good way. Leah, so glad that this day is now behind you! Rest and let your body heal. I'm sure that you will soon be back on your feet and so pleased that the gall bladder attacks are now a thing of the past. Dee, Dianne, and Susan...thanks for asking after me. I was up most of the night... as Ross had a terrible cough and it kept me awake. This crazy flu bug seems to disappear and then comes back every so often. Very stubborn indeed. Will find out the outcome of my lung scan on Monday. I really hope that I don't catch this cough from him. Lesley, you will be in my thoughts tomorrow. Good luck with your surgery! I bet you'll be glad when it is all over with. We are bracing ourselves for the upcoming Mercedes Benz AMG Driving Academy. It is held for the entire month of February and is held on the ice. The cars have already arrived and it is high speed driving that is held on the frozen lake. Very challenging. We always try to head out at least once to catch the races. Ross told me he would love to give it a try. Maybe in a parallel universe.
  18. Loss of an Adult Child

    It did my heart good to read your post today Dee. I wish I could have been there to walk alongside you. I am off tomorrow first thing for my CT scan on my lung. I had a call from the hospital while I was out today to ask me to come for 8:30. I was surprised as it is a Sunday, but I gather they work around the clock. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a good day tomorrow. Kate
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, without question you are following the right path in seeking help for your son. Follow through with that crisis team. Perhaps by calling a local hospital they can give you the number. DO NOT LET IT GO. We found a paper that our son had written outlining his duties at his workplace and basically saying he ran the whole bloody place. He sounded overwhelmed and deeply depressed. By the time we found it it was too late. Better to error on the side of caution than to let it go. I don`t mean to scare you by saying this, but never take it in stride. He has also been under tremendous pressure with your job loss and everything else. Let me know how it goes. I care.
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, oh how glad I am to hear from you. I was very worried. You have been missed more than you will ever know. I am really sorry that you had such a scare, but know that now that you are at home surrounded by your family giving you the care you so deserve that you will slowly recover fully. Just relax and let nature heal you. You have been through so much. The picture of Veto is adorable. My how he is growing into quite the little charmer. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Lesley, how difficult to listen to your sweet boy at those critical moments. I know the feeling is one of anxiousness. He was a true hero in his selfless act. It must be very difficult to relive those last moments. Sending HUGS your way. Lou, thanks for checking in to see if everyone is ok. Leah, how are you doing? When is your surgery scheduled for? Good luck and let us know when you can how things went.
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lou, hang in there...it is early days yet.This grieving process will show you many ups and downs. It can be very draining. Sleep well.
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    There have been no shortage of articles bemoaning the fact that our relationships with smartphones have superseded our relationships with real live people. It has been my observation that we don't talk to one another any longer...and when we do it is by way of texting.We are losing the art of communicating with one another on a face to face level. It's not just about talking... but the value of being able to actually listen. I have a neighbour that keeps a basket on the entrance hall table in her home. All cell phones are to be dropped into that basket for the duration of the visit and picked up as they leave. If it is her kids coming for the weekend? Well, so be it. No cells. I'm not sure why my husband and I survived the initial grief period. We have been together for many years. We have always considered everything as a joint effort. Not this is mine and that yours, etc. Our grief is just that "Ours" to be shared. We carried each other over some very rough patches...and we did it together. It's how we have always done things I guess. And we talk, talk, talk... and we listen. We let it out before irritating issues start to fester and become a problem. We try to resolve the issue by each working at trying to see the other persons side of things. And when that does not always work we somehow work at meeting in the middle. Somehow it appears to have worked. Leah, good luck with your surgery. I truly know the pain of gall bladder attacks. I am confident that this surgery will bring the much needed relief that you are needing. Good luck. Colleen, hold on with both hands. I agree that is will always be an uphill battle to carry this loss. Some times it just seems harder to get through the days. Hopefully the next while will bring some sunshine back into your life again. LouAnn...I know that the period around your fathers death was a difficult one for all involved. Tempers flare and words can fly. I am sorry that you are having to go through this along with your loss. Take one day at a time and try not to focus on it as much. Keep as busy as you can and with any luck things will soften in time with the family dynamics. Our weather did indeed warm up to a lovely +1C today. The sun shone and it gives me hope for planning my garden in a few months. Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    Gretchen, why not take another look at the video that Wade made of our kids. Yes, just let your feelings and memories of Forest flow through you as you do with your art work. He was such a fun loving and free spirit. Susan, Leah, and Becky...sending wishes that you will all soon find yourselves on the mend. Let us know when you are able how you are doing. We just returned from a brisk walk in the woods along the ski trail. The sun was warm and cheerful. Now with any luck I am going to hold that weatherman to his forecast of -1C on Wednesday or a serious headlock is in order. Pure heaven after the bitter cold. The sun dogs this morning were just beautiful. The sky was an intense blue and the sun was shining brightly. There were two quarter arches like a rainbow on either side of the sun. Just spectacular. Niques, I too am so sorry for your loss. Please share with us when you are able. I have been on this site for many years and as painful as it is right now for you I can promise you that there is a light at the end of this pain and sadness. Hold on with both hands. Wishing everyone a good evening. Kate
  24. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie, thank you for letting us know. I am really sorry to hear about your mom. However I am happy to hear that she is holding her own. Make sure you look after yourself and do not get run down. Sleep well tonight! Dianne, that must have hurt after all that you did for your cousin. At least know that you acted out of kindness and concern. Gretchen, your work is fantastic. I love how you pour yourself into each piece that you create. I remember that picture of Forrest from before. He obviously was having a great time. Good memories all around, eh? LouAnn, now you can go forward knowing your Kira and father are wishing you peace again in your life. Where will you begin? Any more thought as to volunteering? At the beginning I never ever thought I could find happiness or peace again in my life. It took ages to slowly rebuild a new life with purpose and meaning. But bit by bit with patience and determination it began to take shape again. It has changed definitely. I was rocked to the core with the loss of my son. I decided that the best way that I could honor him was to go forward with purpose and meaning that was positive. The crack slowly widened to let in a beautiful ray of sunshine. It warmed me to my very soul. I knew that Jeff was not away, but just very close behind a thin veil separating us. I held onto the great memories that he left to make my heart smile again. I know I will see him again and it gives me the strength to continue. My husband and I rather than growing apart have become even closer. We grieved together as a couple. We helped to carry each other when one of us was having a particularly down day. We stood strong for him. We needed him to see we could carry this loss. That way he could find peace...or so I feel. Today was a good day. We headed into the city to the French district of Winnipeg called St. Boniface. We ate a terrific lunch with another couple while looking out over the river and Canadian Museum of Human Rights. People walked past the window walking dogs or holding hands. The air was crisp and fresh. The restaurant was warm and inviting. For that moment we just enjoyed the afternoon. Life was good. My faith and love for life sustains me and gives me hope. Each day we have is a blessing. My husband celebrated yet another birthday. Even after his cancer diagnosis a few years back he is still here standing and fighting. And we intend to continue to do just that. Sending wishes to all for peace restored to your lives again. Kate
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks Dee, LouAnn, and Gretchen for your kind thoughts. I'm not too sure that I actually have the flu but more of the same old stuff going on. I'm waiting to go for a CT scan on my lung. Also stuff going on with my leg again. Always seems to be something these days. Hubby is more flu symptoms. He seems pretty good day so maybe he dodged the bullet. Gretchen, your collage is lovely. I always really enjoy seeing your pieces. You have such a talent of pouring your heart into your work. As far as worrying about our other kids..well, I think we all do even those that have not lost a child. They will always be our kids regardless of how old they become. We as nurturers tend to fuss over them even to our dying days. I agree about the cold. it has been a tough winter in many ways for everyone because of the extremes we are facing. LouAnn, it is always a bit of a letdown after the holidays. In many ways it seems like taking an elevator ride to the top with the glitter and fan fare surrounding the season and then taking the ride back down to ground level after it is all over. It can leave us feeling drained and flat. You have come a long way and so please do not let yourself sink into another funk. Work hard to keep afloat. I know it is not easy but you have proven you have the strength. Get back on that horse and keep going. You can do it. Have you given any thought to volunteering perhaps? It is a wonderful way to throw yourself into a positive way of engaging with others at the same time as being helpful. It can really lift the spirits and also brings you into contact with meeting new people. Well, the day is sunny and the sky is blue. The temps are bone chilling ,but supposedly going to go back up by mid week. All of our neighbours for the most part have taken off to sunnier climes for the duration of the season. My next door neighbour has gone to Phoenix and swears that the weather is consistently good. I can picture her there now enjoying the outdoors. We will try to get ourselves bundled up for an outing of some sort and hopefully tomorrow we are off to the city for a meal with some friends if our health allows. We shall see. Have a good day everyone. Kate