Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Jeff's Mom

  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Jeff's Mom

  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Leah, I am so sorry to hear that this heartache continues. We are here to listen and offer our support. I know we can't fix the problem, but you need to know that you are not facing it by yourself. It must be so hard for you to witness and at the same time feel helpless to make the necessary changes. Sadly, as we have said in the past...she is the master of her own fate and must take full responsibility for her actions. Watching the kids struggle is the most difficult part of it. She clearly needs counselling and addiction therapy. You are far from a failure as you have offered her the tools by offering your love and support, but she is the only one that can use them. I have come to know you as one of the most caring and loving mothers and grandmothers as you have shown such heartfelt concern for your family. The kids know how much you care and keep doing what you are doing. Just being there for them is invaluable. Please take care of yourself as I know you are not well. This pressure is more than one should have to handle. Hang in there. HUGS... Kate
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie, thank you for sharing your photo of the shrine at Holy Hill. When you are able please tell us the story about the shrine. Very busy weekend shaping up. I woke up this morning to a beautiful sky. Blue with rosy pink and fluffy white clouds. The leaves are just breathtaking. Words fail me after watching the news last night and seeing the level of destruction that the hurricanes and earthquake have caused. My heart goes out to so many that have had their lives turned upside down in a moment. Prayers for strength to the families of those lost. To see people gathering from various corners of the world to help with the clean up was very moving. Amongst all of this we saw the goodness of the human spirit rising up to help their own fellow man. Dee and Diane...I sure hope that this heat will soon cool down for you to be able to enjoy your weekend. Love to ALL for a very peaceful day. Kate
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, it is still early days for you along this journey. Lash out all you want...I sure did. It is normal to ride this roller coaster of emotions. I know you miss her...as we all do our own child. Some days are just so darned crappy to be honest. No tolerance for flippant comments from others. Just remember that the only way they can honestly understand is to go through it. I would not wish it on anyone! Hang in there. We had a supplement in our local paper this morning regarding aging and keeping fit. I am on a roll! They say that sitting is the new smoking these days. As crazy as it sounds studies have shown that a sedentary lifestyle can have as huge an impact on your health as smoking cigarettes. If you have a chronic condition such as arthritis... obesity... or depression... exercise has been shown to mitigate the effects in a vast majority of people suffering from these problems. "Participaction" is what it is all about apparently. With winter about to hit it is a great idea to make some plans for your own space and time to do something healthy for yourself. They even have chair exercises for people that can not follow the usual form of exercise. Grab a SAD lamp if needed and get down to it. Dee and Diane...sorry to hear about the heat. How strange to have those kind of temps at this time of year. I sure hope taking the kids downstairs helped to cool them off. Diane, again...that picture of your hubby and precious little grandaughter is so sweet. Well, after my post it clouded over. We had a little sprinkle of rain and now the sun is again shining. Go figure. Georgina, how are you coping? Leah? Becky? Everyone struggling with health and life issues. Sending love...Kate
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    The four seasons of the year are clearly distinct where I live. Each season has its own particular characteristics and its own attractions. Its easy to enjoy the warmth of summer and the freshness of spring...but winter has its values too. Though winters can be long and cold...the clear crisp fresh air, rich blue skies and brilliant sunshine are more prevalent than many other parts of the world. The night sky can show a profusion of brilliant stars and beautiful displays of aurora. Clean white snow adorns branches and snowdrifts sometimes become works of art and they form unique sculptures. It also provides an opportunity to get outside to skate, ski, hike, snowshoe, toboggan, and on those particularly cold days to stay inside and keep active. Take a class for general interest. Go to a workout studio...take yoga or another form of exercise. Keep busy and socially interactive. Volunteer, form a book club, the possibilities are endless. It is amazing how quickly the days pass in winter. Saskatchewan and Alberta had a horrible winter last year. Ontario suffered from freezing rain. But little if any snow. We had one of the warmest winters on record. Given what the rest of the world is experiencing I count my blessings. Thanks to all for sharing your pictures. Wendy, as hard as it was to mark that special day you did such a beautiful job. Susan, thanks for the pictures. Dianne...my goodness and a hockey baby for sure. She is such a cutie. The leaves of the aspen are glowing vibrantly against a brilliantly blue sky with the stems of the leaves flattened vertically causing them to shiver or tremble in the breeze. The colours of the leaves are just spectacular this morning. It is a good day to get outside and start my winter preps in my gardens. Thinking of everyone today and sending warm wishes. Kate
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, your post hit the nail on the head. Perfectly worded. It took me ages to be able to reach this point. With the help of some dear people on this site and determination I am now at the point of living again. I won't sugar coat it. It take so much effort. There are many ups and downs and some days it is extremely overwhelming. Slowly the raw pain and hurt starts to lift. We learn to rebuild and reshape our lives around our loss. I see that the Emmy awards are on this evening. Handmaids Tail, by Margaret Atwood has become a real hit in Britain I see. BBC and CBC have made another TV series called Alias Grace which is another Atwood novel. A great story. I read it years ago and felt it would make a good movie. The Crown appears to be in the lead for awards. I really enjoyed that series. I bet your daughter is enjoying her new car. How is the job going? It's nice to have her with you for now isn't it? Dianne, I agree if I owned a farm every last animal would be named! Probably a sheep or alpaca farm for the wool or something like that. Georgina, how are things? LouAnn, when I was eleven years of age my best friend was diagnosed with an inoperable heart ailment. Most likely today with the advances in heart research she would be alive had it happened in this day and age. We are talking many years ago. The days that kids played outside and did not have all of the technical toys to pass time with. We spent the summers at our cottage and my friend had the cottage directly across from ours. Together with another girl we set up a wooden wagon that we fitted up with cushions and pillows and we pulled her everywhere we went on that wagon. We were not allowed to go too far, but we sure did have fun and found a lot of fascinating things to do and talk about. Sort of like the movie Stand By Me. I watched as her health deteriorated over those weeks. It seemed impossible that God would allow anyone so young to die. My own grandmother had passed away that year and it followed logic as she was in her eighties. That makes sense to a girl of eleven. But this...was unfathomable. She passed away on December 5th of that year and we were in shock. Her mother fell into a deep depression. They also had three other older girls at home. She could not focus on anything other than Michele's death. Sadly, after a period of time she took her life. I saw how those three girls suffered. It was just horrible. I do not blame her mom... as she was in such deep despair. But what I do wonder now is why the heck did she not reach out for help? It was there. There was a stigma to depression. Her pride took precedence over her children. Michele was dead and her other girls were very much alive and needing their mom. Grief takes a huge amount of work. Just coping at the beginning is a huge effort. But today there are more resources out there that did not exist in those days. Qualified people that are trained to help ease some of this pain we are shouldering. Your kids need you as does your husband. You deserve a life... indeed a day... without worrying about Kira. She is gone and you can not bring her back by constantly thinking about her. Moving forward with your life does not mean you are leaving her behind and her memory will be forgotten. We all know we will never forget them. We carry them in our hearts in a very special place. There will always be the triggers over the years that cause that ache...special occasions, etc. But we will find that the memories that are too painful at the beginning will bring us comfort as time passes. Let your daughter's light shine by honouring her memory in living as fully and happily as you can. I can tell you for certain that she would want that for you. Your boys and husband need that for you. One day at a time.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ross and I spoke at length today about his outlook on life and why he has not allowed himself to sink into depression. Five years ago we sat across from the oncologist while he outlined his form of chemo treatment. He looked at him firmly and told him that if it returned that he would not be able to help him apart from treat the symptoms. You see it has spread to his lymph nodes. He chose to face it with determination and the desire to give himself as much time as possible. Today while reading our local obits I read this narrative that was written by a very handsome middle aged man that has passed away. It is related to what Ross and I just spoke about today. "Life is about time. When we're young, we live in the moment and time seems to stretch endlessly before us. Then, at some point, we recognize that the time we've let pass is irretrievable. Suddenly, as the world continues to speed up...as we find there are more and more and still more demands on our time....the most precious thing in our lives becomes our "freedom time", the time we have just for ourselves and those closest to us. These are the greatest moments in our lives. The great memories you can look forward to and depend upon...time after time." So, you see...if you honestly asked yourself...if this was my last week or day here on earth is this how I would spend it? Heck no! Not in sadness or bitterness. Yes, there is much pain and terrible things are always happening it seems these days. But look at the beauty that still exists around it. The simple and lovely gestures of caring people in our daily lives. Small things that make a huge difference. Take the time to smell the roses. Give that friend a hug. Appreciate nature and all of God's wonders. It's free. I shared that experience because it is very special to us. I am not some lunatic woman that desperately seeks signs at every turn. It happened after my sons and MIL's death to give us hope and support to face yet another grueling setback. God did not promise to take this away, but he did give me hope and support to face it. I can not tell you how often I drew on that experience over that period. The one fact that has helped me to continue when my heartache for Jeff's loss is strong... is to hold on to the fact that I will most definitely see him again. It will happen ...in time. I know that for a fact.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories about your signs. It is so comforting to know that others share in these beautiful gifts given to give us courage to continue. Thank you to all for thinking about us this past week. We are still waiting for the biopsy results. As always he is keeping busy and positive as to the outcome. Always the optimist. I have many signs that I have shared over the past several years, but this has to be my favourite and most precious. It was a fall day that reflected my mood. Grey and gloomy. The skies were heavy and threatened rain at any moment. I had decided to have lunch with a friend from our church whose Mom had also recently passed away. When she arrived she asked me where I would like to go. We live in a rural area... but have several small towns that have lovely tea houses for lunch. We had all the time in the world and I suggested a lovely spot that is a heritage home located in a small spot approximately a forty minute drive away. It started to rain cats and dogs as we walked to the car. When we arrived my friend dropped me at the front of the building while she parked her car. I ran in and asked for a table. The place was packed...but they still had their summer addition functional and we were seated at a table at the back corner of the room. We settled in for a nice visit and were approximately half way through our meal when two women entered the room with a young boy. They were seated not far away. After some time I started to notice one of the women watching me with interest. I started to feel uneasy. The other woman got up and took the little boy from the room by his hand. This woman started to walk towards us. She hesitated for a second and then continued towards us. She mentioned that she had a message. That she was not supposed to do this...whatever that means. Then my friend jumped in that her mom had recently died... the woman just shook her head and stared directly at me. She asked me if I had had a young man die recently? Well, I started to shake. My knees went weak and thank heaven I was seated or I would have fallen over for sure. She told me that he was insistent that she give me this message. He was standing right there beside me. My friend reached down and held my hand firmly and asked if I was OK. I knew in an instant that it was my boy. He kept his promise that if something ever happened to him that if he was able he would let me know he was alright. The entire room fell silent. There was a table of ladies not far away and they heard every word. One of them appeared to be frightened. The waitress was standing in a small area just beside our table. When she came over I asked her if she had ever seen them before. She told me she had never set eyes on them in her life. Now they were not people that drew attention. In fact they were very ordinary in their appearance. But for one thing...this young woman had the most beautiful smile and her eyes were something you could lose yourself in. Time stood still when she spoke. This is no way could have been previously set up or planned. This spot did not read tea leaves or any of that stuff. This was just pure and simple...a devine message given to offer support and help to get through the next period of hardship. Two months later my husband was diagnosed with end stage three colon cancer and faced major surgery and chemo. I am convinced that Jeff was allowed to let us know he was right there along the way of our journey to support us. God does work in wonderous ways.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sandy, I am so sorry to hear that poor Rachael is having so many struggles with her health over these past couple of years. What a relief for everyone that it was not a stroke, but still very worrisome nevertheless. You must have been beside yourself with concern. I am also keeping your brother in my prayers for a peaceful passing. I, too, hate cancer as you could well imagine. It has invaded our family in a big way and I have seen many deaths due to it. I have also seen the positive progress that research has made over these past few years if it is caught early. Why is lung cancer so difficult to diagnose at times? My good friend and neighbour died a year and a half ago from it... and try as she may could not convince them she was ill until they performed an exploratory. She was coughing like a mad fool and they kept giving her antibiotics. She was a doctor's dream in that she always did everything she was advised to do over her lifetime. Did not smoke, etc.. Yet, it was her time... and it spread like wildfire. It was only a matter of months... as it had spread to her bone and brain. They kept her very comfortable and she slipped away peacefully. I hope you are taking good care of yourself these days. I know how much you have on your plate to deal with. Make sure you do not get run down. Sending hugs. Kate
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, there is something about the changing of the seasons that reminds us of how our lives are passing. Hang in there. I hope that tomorrow you will be able to gather and celebrate Jon's birthday with the kids. Laurie, I remember your visit to Holy Hill last year. It is a yearly visit for you and your mom and sister... if I recall correctly? We did indeed break all records with our temps the other day. Today is a very different story however. Cloudy and they are calling for much needed rain for the next few days. The leaves are just beautiful. I waken each morning to the sound of hunters duck hunting. Their shot gun blasts are pretty noisy. Hope they miss! I am thinking of everyone both old and new. Kate
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, may your day be filled with peace and love as you recall all of those special memories that you hold close to your heart of your special JAMES.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, they are simply adorable! I know how much my little ones bring joy into my life. They always manage to make me smile. Those grandies of yours are precious. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You know we are here for you. Hold on with both hands. Dee, this rather new form of immunotherapy is finding great results in the treatment of some cancers. Due to his allergic reaction a few years back from his folfox drugs from colon cancer they were careful as to how to treat this form of cancer for his eye. Very worried about the weather conditions. We are supposedly going to reach temps of + 34 C on Tuesday. What the heck is that? Ninety-four F. We are experiencing a drought like condition with no rain for ions. Where have the birds gone? I know they gather for migration, but they almost disappeared after the eclipse. The changes are happening far too fast. I am almost ashamed to admit we had a heavenly day. Literally. The weather was perfect with a warm and blissful breeze off of the lake. I packed an old-fashioned picnic. We found a terrific spot to just sit and enjoy the scenery. Today we lived in the moment. And what a moment it was! Perfect. Sending love to all, Kate
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey, LouAnn, did your hubby watch the Banjo Bowl? McSweet! I'm loving it. Georgina, we are all here for you... and especially our thoughts will be with you on Monday. His Momma will never forget. What else matters? So much on your plate to deal with. It always comes in waves. I'm sorry about your mom. I hope all goes well and they can keep her comfortable. Great news about your daughter. I bet she is really happy with her new job and car. How is that grandbaby of yours doing? Keep us posted as we all are concerned and hoping things improve. Tina, what time do you start tomorrow. How far is the walk? We need a report when it is done, ok? Love to All, Kate
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, I am so sorry to hear that your niece is in the path of the hurricane. I can not begin to imagine how worried everyone is. My prayers sent for a safe way through it. Tina, good luck tomorrow with the suicide walk. Let us know how it goes. We are all cheering you on! Margo, I would love to be able to feel that clay beneath my hands. I was a play doh fiend with my own kids when they were growing up. I imagine it feels wonderful to see the end result and be able to just sit and create. Sherry, yes our faith is often what keeps us going. One foot in front of the other and the knowledge we will see our child again. LouAnn, thanks...Ross is recovering nicely. Now we wait to start the interferon. Wow, is that stuff ever expensive for an eye drop. $2,800 Canadian for four months! Still, if it keeps the beast at bay then it is well worth it. There appears to be a sort of quietness that has settled in our area. People going about their chores yet strangely quiet. Everyone is overwhelmed with concern and sadness at all of the news reports on the hurricane destruction. Our hearts reach out and wish we could only be there to help out. The Red Cross has become actively involved and we have donated, but I am still a push my sleeves up type of person. I wish I could be there as Susan to actually do something more. Stay safe everyone. Kate
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Oh my, what the heck is happening to this planet? Fires in California and British Columbia unlike any other ever seen.. Snowstorm in Australia. Hurricanes unlike anything in our lifetime. Earthquake in Mexico. This is definitely global warming. Prayers to everyone in the path of these storms. If only we could wipe them out. I can only advise anyone that is struggling with past issues regarding their youth to seek proper medical guidance. There is never going to be an easy way to get past it. The road is a rough one. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just depends on how much you want it. Hard work often pays off. Sending wishes to all for a sense of peace restored in your lives soon. Kate
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks Lesley, I am fine. My leg had been bothering me during the night and so I find I am up many times. I usually check my messages. I have become far too personally involved and concerned and have decided to back off a bit. Hope all is well your way. Ross starts his new meds this next week and I will be very busy. Hope all goes well. Kate
  16. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, hold on with both hands. As you can see everyone here is standing by you. Good for you in supporting such a worthwhile cause. I'll be cheering you on. Georgina, how are things holding up your way? Leah, it was so good to see your post. Albeit I am so sorry to hear about all of your health issues. Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    message deleted
  18. Loss of an Adult Child

    message deleted
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kym, I am really sorry that you had to hear about Scott's death in this manner. It must have been horrible to find out that way. I think that the reason that you are now feeling worse is that the shock has now worn off and reality has settled in. As Susan (Mermaids Tears) as often stated we wear a shock suit that the mind creates to protect us. After a period of time and things start to settle the suit slowly falls off. That is when it really hits with an impact. I wish I could tell you that I had the magic answer as to how to make it all go away. We all have wished that it was an awful nightmare and we could wake up to a new day. I will tell you this however...it will not always be this painful. In time it will soften and the ache will become more tolerable. You will begin to structure your life again to find happiness and joy. It just takes a ton of work and patience. As a Mom you are the caregiver and as such you feel responsible for the grieving of your family. But right now you just want to find a quiet place to lick your wounds and heal. It is essential that you make time for yourself and make sure you are eating and resting properly. Accept all support offered even if you do not want it. Everything helps when we are not thinking clearly. I am glad that you have found us. Keep posting and remember that Scott will never be left behind or forgotten just because you have moved forward. That has been a huge issue with some on the site. He will always be with you in spirit. Sending warm wishes for a better day today. Kate
  20. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay, hold on with both hands. We know it is hard. How did you make out with your family support? I've been thinking of you. Becky, how are you doing these days? Did you make a good recovery with your eye issues? Gretchen, I understand how you feel. Are you still involved with your art work? Kym, hold tight. It is a really difficult period. When you are able or feel the desire please tell us about your precious son Scott. LouAnn, I hope you were able to spend the day helping your son settle into his new apartment. All good advice from everyone today. As you can see we are a tight knit group. Everyone cares about the welfare of each other. So you must never feel you are alone in this. Love to All, Kate
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kym, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found us. I lost my son of the same age almost eight years ago Christmas time. I know the pain and stress associated with waiting for the coroner's report. Please tell us about Scotty when you feel you are up to it. You will find support and caring from those that are walking the same path. Kate
  22. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dianne, we sent them down there to cut their teeth. Teach you guys how to play hockey. Ha, now we will be able to watch some real competition this winter. LouAnn, I hear it is raining in your area. If your hubby is at all interested have him watch the game. All bets are on. I agree with Dee and the others. Having your children to support you is so invaluable. Enjoy those wonderful times. I have not seen my son for two years. We were too sick to travel. He was too busy to come home. Jeff's death has taught me that it is the relationships that matter most. All the rest is window dressing. I decided to take advantage of a dull day and start painting my kitchen. Ross will watch the game, The forecast was off by a mile. Still, we need the moisture for our gardens.
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    Wow LouAnn, I recognize that area so well! What an amazing opportunity for him to be able to live in the downtown area of Toronto. He would be able to walk to the market so close by. He must be almost at the intersection of the Gardner and the DVP. I sure hope he can take the opportunity to see some of those games. I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. One day at a time is all you can really ask of yourself. Moving forward with your life and finding new interests and happiness again is not a sign that you have left your daughter behind. As many of the ladies have already stated...Kira would want you both to be happy and continue in as positive a way as you can. We have taken that attitude and today almost five years after my husband's cancer diagnosis we are still standing. Last evening Ross watched a program on tv with one eye. It was a struggle, but he was determined. Sometimes I think we focus on things too much. Just go out and let yourself enjoy the day. Let it be. Let life happen naturally. I'm looking forward to the new hockey season starting. As a percentage of population there have been more NHL players from Manitoba and Saskatchewan than from anywhere else in the world. Toews, Sharp, Steen and Keith are four of the active players to mention a few. When you drive out into the countryside during the winter many farms have outdoor rinks for the kids. Our boys were on skates not long after they could walk. It's in our blood. Our older son and his friends dragged Jeff outside to play goal when they played ball hockey. That was how he learned to be so good. Not too sure if you are onto CFL footballl but today the Labour Day game is on. Bombers vs The Riders.
  24. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks Dianne on the advice regarding the videos. I am such a klutz when it comes to anything technical.
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee & Dianne, thank you so much for posting that song for me. I wish I could figure out how to do it. LouAnn, it is good to hear from you. I was wondering how things were going on your end. You know the misconception that many people have about the process of grieving is that it it not unlike an illness. It has a beginning and an end. What we have come to learn when we are going through it ourselves is that simply is not true. With the death of our child we are in a sense reborn into a new life of our own. Our lives and relationships change as we learn to live without our child in our daily lives. I liken it to climbing up a steep hill with a backpack loaded with very heavy stones. Along the way we slowly start to find the load becomes lighter. It takes tremendous effort on our part and we have to stop many times along the journey to just catch hold of things. I have found that men often keep their feelings close to their chest and often do not open up in showing their real pain. They internalize the loss. I feel that each day that you help each other to continue making progress... be it ever so slowly... is a huge step in the right direction. You have to be very strong and some days force yourself into doing something that you may not want to do. Setting tasks for yourself can seem daunting... but are so very necessary in working towards a healthy mental state. Try as hard as it may be to not focus as much on her death. I know deep down that it fills your every thought. Still, it is vital to have outside interests that take your attention. You will find as many of us have said that slowly the pain lifts and eases a bit. Your interests will once again become more important and you are not leaving her behind because you have now started to find that you have re-entered the life of the living again. It takes courage and a ton of perseverance. Stay strong. Thanks for asking about Ross. Yes, his surgery was on Thursday. It went well and we are now waiting for the results of the biopsy. It is an anxious time for us to be sure. This weekend we will most likely take it easy and stay close to home. There are a ton of activities that are being held as it is the last long weekend of the summer. The Wave Tour is a twice yearly event held in the Interlake. We have a huge community of local artists that open up their studios to the public. It has become a must "to do" on the list of the city folks up for the weekend. Our weather appears to be another fine and sunny day. The birds are still absent and I must admit to scratching my head as to where they have gone. It seems far too early to start their migration. Already the leaves and low lying bushes are starting to turn colour due to the dryness. Sending love to all for a peaceful weekend. Kate